Friday Bachelor of Bogan

24 12 2010

Hello and Merry Christmas. As we take a week or two break and swim in our enormous coin piles that have resulted from record-breaking book sales (apparently we’re HUGE in Denmark), content yourself with the weekly dive into the nether regions of the bogan psyche with B(Bo).

Cheers and, again, Merry Christmas from the TBL team. May all your travels be safe and your beers imported.

The bogan will spend Boxing Day:

The ACCC this week forced the manufacturers of Power Balance bands to admit that their claims about the product are baseless. The bogan believes this is due to:

The worst thing that happened to bogans this week was:

Since the government has cruelly taken away the bogan’s ability to derive max power and flexibility from its power balance band, the bogan will have to resort to:


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45 responses

24 12 2010
Common man

“Its grandma gave them”
Pure honetsy,though smeered with hiliarity!!
Merry Xmas lads.

24 12 2010
hel

I am still laughing out loud about that line, I am picturing the confused face of the bogue upon opening the gift, the pleased smile of the grandma thinking she had nailed the gift. Like giving Hitler a ceremonial Menora.

25 12 2010
Common man
24 12 2010
chestbrah

lulz

Lleyton Hewitt wears some weird thing around his neck that he says gives him energy.

24 12 2010
Glass 'em all

That would be Bec…?

24 12 2010
v'visexxxion

One last final Christmas Wish – I hope your Christmas is as emotionally charged as the Davenports. Thanks everyone for many hoots.

24 12 2010
v'visexxxion

One last thing. That’s it i promise. I’ll go home now.

http://poorlydressed.failblog.org/2010/11/25/fashion-fails-preparing-for-winter-and-hell/

24 12 2010
p'bee

is that a winter kkk hood?

24 12 2010
V'visexxxion

It can be 🙂

24 12 2010
V'visexxxion

or The Tin Man for the less redneck, racist, asswipe inclined.

24 12 2010
Nelson Esq

Merry Christmas TBL and all bloggers. It’s been a great year filled with both laughter and cringing whilst undertaking bogan awareness training!

24 12 2010
p'bee

merry christmas etc. to all tbl and commenters.

24 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Merry Christmas to my TBL bretheren and the sisterhood as well.

If you will excuse me, I’m now going to get pissed like a bogan until NYE.

24 12 2010
Werdna

Happy Holidays antibogues, and my apologies for my mother putting reindeer antlers/big red nose on our car for our trip 😦 good thing the picture wasn’t ours

24 12 2010
hel

would you like the number of a good therapist?

24 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Instead, it was of some Sandgroper numbnut, if you care to look at the registration plate of that Corolla, which appears to be stopped at the lights on Albany Highway, next to the Victoria Park bust station just past the Causeway. Maybe heading towards Worstfield Carou-hell (Carousel), to blow their platinum credit card to the hilt of their maxxtreme credit limit.

Told you all over East we’re full of bogans way out West.

Anyway, Merry Crimble to all of you out there, you know who you are (and a special hello to P!nky; hope you’re alright and keep well) and may we continue to hold to account all those pedlars of bling with spurious benefits and the charlatan spivs who aid and abet those hideously wilfully ignorant attitudes and opinions, well into 2011. Despite the odd bouts of justified malice towards them, I feel that this is a valuable community resource in that we know we’re not alone and also to educate those who may begin to question their previously culpable behaviours.

Here’s one of the few Christmas songs worth listening to, from Australia’s poet laureate and troubadour extraordinaire, Paul Kelly:

25 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

what an awesome tune.
(I spent Xmas in Gaol once)
I had a very disjointed upbringing. Paul Kelly has a (rare?) song called “other people’s houses” which never fails to make me weep.

the man has a knack.

26 12 2010
brad

Great post BOT-you are the man(“wont ya kiss my kids on Christmas morning…..please dont let em cry) always makes me lumpy thinking about that line. Knowing that the song was likley inspired by someone he knows makes it all the more touching.

27 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Glad you both liked it—this is the original video for this song from 1996. To think that this tune debuted on a Myer Spirit Of Christmas CD, which usually contains warmed-over turds of insipid and hackneyed cheer from has-beens and never-weres, is bemusing, especially as this is one of the most affecting songs he’s ever written, plus the fact that it possesses a gritty antipodean sensibility that most can relate to, especially if you grew up amongst bogans. Of which this song is almost a slice of life of…could be anywhere in blue-collar Australia that same experience.

Hope you all have had a good start to the festive season and haven’t let any bogans get in the way of yourselves maintaining the true spirit of the season, in making peace and having goodwill to all.

5 01 2011
Werdna

Pleased to inform we had the antlers removed the day after New Years Eve /phew.

24 12 2010
chris

Merry Christmas TBLers, keep fighting the good fight.

24 12 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

I only check the Friday update for the YouTube carnage…

24 12 2010
Glass 'em all

Merry Xmas, anti-boganites all. Wait for Santa to crash on Xmas Island… sorry, to come down yer chimney (do McMansions even have them?) and then glass the karnt.

24 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

I’ll only glass the carnt if I don’t get a 3D plasma screen on No interest, no deposit and no repayments for 24 months.

24 12 2010
James Hunter

Ash,
One thing you wont get is an AMI erection and or clitoral tune up kit
from AMI. The pinis piano players and trheir shonky doctors and others have been added to the list that ACCC is putting the slides under.
What a fantastic F$^$#@g year. first a disgusting “fashion ” house next a “weak limp wrist ” extender power band and now a mob of vultures that pryed on the vulnerable/venerable with dangerous quasie medical products.

What has gone horrible wrong? ACCC is doing something useful.

Most we can normally expect from government watchdogs is a wimper not a full throated growl of bark. I know. It is the legislation that they operate under that is the problem. So lets tell our pollies to give teath to legislation . otherwise piss off.
It is like the rules that virtually require magistrates in cases other then mass murders to let people off with a sweet little smack on the wrist. The namby pamby doo gooders are wrecking the world.
Bring back the cane in school give the police and magistrates the powers they need and then let them F*&%$#g use them. lock up some of the dirt bags and let the doo gooders take them cake in goal.

24 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

JH, I agree with you for the most part on crime sentencing – I do, however, believe in leniency for minor crimes (like possessing a small amount of marijuana or a couple of ecstasy tablets) or first time youth offenders who might still have a chance to turn their lives around.

I was arrested when I was in Year 12 after a house party I was at got a bit ugly and the cops were called in without anyone realising. When I was arrested, the cops also found a small amount of weed on me and I was looking at big trouble – a hefty fine and possibly even jail since there had also been a fight at the party (which I wasn’t involved in, but they needed to pin on someone). However since I had no criminal record, was a good student headed for law school and had good parents (who had advised the police and judge to throw the book at me if it was necessary) I got let off, with a warning to focus on my studies and not to come back until I had a decent haircut and was a member of the NSW bar representing a client.

The hair hasn’t changed (still long and curly) and I dropped out of law school after a year, however I’ve never had anything more than a parking ticket since then.

It all comes down to parenting. My parents (being from the sub-continent and all) basically raised me right, with love and affection but also strict discipline – I won’t say I’m perfect or done everything they taught me by a long shot, but I think I have the basics down. Most bogans (including my bogan friends who I grew up playing footy with) never had anything like that cause their parents were always too self-absorbed to bother about raising them.

It all comes down to parenting and the way one was brought up. Even my bogan best friend knows this – that’s why he has my godson spend a lot of time with me and my family as opposed to his or his girlfriend’s. As I’m typing this his fold-out cot is in my room and he’s having a nap, and I’m watching him and promising to do what I can to make sure he doesn’t turn out bogan.

24 12 2010
James Hunter

Ash,
You are absolutely spot on. Lack of parenting is where it all starts. I also agree that one off minor misdemours should not be over reacted to.
However the people who do step right over should be hammered. assults with a weapon should be given mandatory detention.

One of the problems that I observe is that the police teachers abd bus drivers have no legal means of making a child comply nor of administering punishment that will be remembered.

The last thing a bus driver needs is a debate on the UN rights of the child with some precocious 13 yr old while trying to carry out his duty of care to a bus load of “little darlings”

Ditto teachers and police. both of which should be able to give six of the best as and where needed. Then the parents should be madde to come from work to pick up their brats so there is some inpact on their lives as well.

any ways enough
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Have a nice break.

24 12 2010
Tone

Merry Christmas, Anti-Bogues. Or, Happy Festivus for yesterday, should one choose to celebrate.

24 12 2010
Tombarina

We did Festivus. No aluminium pole, but a couple of feats of strength using pool noodles and plenty of airing of grievances.

Happy Christmas all.

x

*fade to black*

24 12 2010
Rob

How many cunts can be glassed during the ‘festive’ season??
Hope you all share the joy of facial disfigurement this Christmas/New Period period!! 😛

24 12 2010
Rob

*oops…that was meant to be Christmas/New Year period*

24 12 2010
travo

re the last question. what about the runners they are advertising the shape and trim you, surely there the next bogan “must have”

24 12 2010
urbanreverie

Merry Christmas to all my fellow anti-bogans here!

Now, excuse me while I induct the first member into the all-new …

BOGAN HALL OF SHAME!

The scene: The Shell service station in Raymond Terrace in New South Wales’ Hunter region, today about 2:30pm. Being Christmas Eve the station is busy, and I’m in the middle of a long journey on my annual Xmas & New Year pilgrimage so I decide to do some routine fluid checks and park away to the side so I don’t hold other people up at the bowsers.

As I’m putting some oil into my engine, a fuel tanker arrives and parks next to me. The driver winds his window down and I ask, “Sorry, am I in your way, mate?”

“Yeah, I’ve gotta deliver some fuel. You’re right mate, you do what you’ve gotta do.”

“I’m just putting some oil in, man. I won’t be too long!”

“Yeah, no worries”, and the driver smiles and waves.

As I close the bonnet, a total bogan douche pulls in the parking bay next to me, and gets out. The truck driver tries to call his attention to no avail, so he gets out of his rig.

“Excuse me, mate! Sorry to bother ya, but I’ve gotta deliver some fuel and you’re parked over the tank. You reckon you can move your vehicle, please?”

The bogue squares up. “And who’s gonna make me, c#$t?”

“Listen mate, I don’t want to cause any trouble. I just need to get some fuel to this place.”

“And you’re gonna make me move my car, are ya, ya farkin’ c#$t?”

“Christ mate. I’m just askin’ ya nicely. All right?” And he gets back into his cabin.

The bogan says “Farkin’ hell, he can go get farked. What a farkwit” to himself. Then he gets back in his car, reverses out very aggressively and parks next to a free bowser, and as he goes into the shop he shoots the driver the filthiest look I’ve seen in a long time.

$DEITY help us. Courtesy and consideration costs nothing. Surely, we can all get short and hot under the collar at times in stressful situations. I’m guilty of this, so is every human being. But being politely asked to move your car is NOT a stressful situation. There was no excuse for such inconsiderate and uncouth behaviour.

So, to the bogan, about thirty years old, around 177cm tall, solid build, short brown hair, sunglasses, tattoos from a#$%hole to breakfast, with skin like the vinyl seats of a HQ Holden because you spend so much time out in the sun and you probably think that sunscreen is for poofs, driving a dark bottle-green Toyota Camry made in about 1998 with NSW limited edition Centenary of Federation plates, I say to you:

SHAME, BOGAN, SHAME!

Oh, and congratulations on being the first ever member of the one and only BOGAN HALL OF SHAME. Merry farkin’ Chrissie, ya farkin’ c#$t.

26 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I look forward to new inductees Urban.

26 12 2010
urbanreverie

Oh, there will be more to come, let me tell you, Simon! Oh yes, there will be more to come!

I’m sorely tempted to put all the other customers in this McDonald’s in a certain outer southwestern Sydney suburb right now in the Bogan Hall of Shame. I’m only here because my hotel charges a king’s ransom for internet access. Honest! You must believe me! I’m not anything like these people, no way! 🙂

My eardrums are hurting from all the whining and loud-mouthed bragging and those horrible nasal bogan accents and the high-volume R&B over the in-store audio system, I now have a huge amount of admiration for the girls behind the counter after all the abuse and foul language from all the ferals in here who are upset because their Double Quarter Pounders didn’t arrive within the usual 17 seconds, the number of guys with diamond studs in their left ear is just mind-boggling. Since when did these incorrigible homophobic bigots decide that jewellery in the ear was cool? I blame David Beckham.

And the hair wax on the he-bogues! There’s enough glue in these hairdos to hold the Sydney Harbour Bridge together!

And the tattoos! I even saw a girl, no older than 13 but probably more like 11, with a Chinese character tattooed to the back of her neck. All the kids have “ADHD” (read: chronic lack of parental discipline) and are running around screaming and making my life right now quite a misery.

But, I have to be online to look up train timetables, send e-mails, find a place to get my car repaired and a hundred other little loose ends to tie up. Such, such are the joys.

I can’t wait to get back to my inner-city flat and curl up into a foetal position in the corner of my bedroom, sucking my thumb while rocking back and forth. I’m sure this Macca’s will leave me mentally scarred for life.

26 12 2010
Will S

Raymond Terrace. That explains everything.

24 12 2010
stumanchu

Who dug up Epic Sax guy? Gold. Merry Christmas lads, thanks for the lols.

25 12 2010
Son of Duane

The Moldavians did and decided he was good enough for Eurovision this year.

Damn it, why wasn’t Sax Guy in more ‘year-in-review’ montages?

25 12 2010
Blueballs

Granted, Epic Sax Guy is strangely hypnotic, a fusion of Duffman, Bros and Guru Josh…

27 12 2010
Pandabater

He should team up with Grinning Hammond Organ Guy from Spicks & Specks.

27 12 2010
p'bee

barry morgan and epic sax guy – that would be a sight to behold.

29 12 2010
Ryan

Were you being serious about the Denmark thing? because i’m living in Denmark and we always read this blog instead of doing work in class 🙂

1 01 2011
Tamer

‘Hello’ to all the amusing observers of australian culture on this very entertaining website,both pro and anti.Without jumping on any particular bandwagon (I can see obvious positives and embarrassing flawes in either camp) I wanted to post my 1st. An old friend of mine who has been tattooing for the last 8 years was telling me that it was quiet amazing the amount of mothers buying tattoo gift vouchers for their daughters this christmas. As the local studio is located in the main local shopping centre it seems all the go to go shopping,pick up your city beach crap,grab a boost juice,get a tattoo then hang around the front of the morayfield shopping centre smoking, spitting, and swearing with the rest of the tribe(s).Some of these girls get tattooed with their mum( some kind of mother/daughter bonding I guess).My mate is constantly knocking back parents with”permission slips” for their “not quite 18” year old kids.I mean can’t they say “no”. Being tattooed to a fair extent myself,during the late 80’s,early 90’s,I don’t claim to be anti-tattoo.Far from it. Some of my more colorful memories come from the time of planning,experimenting and seeing the outcome of the latest techniques and designs in an era when tattooing was really making quite remarkable leaps and bounds in artistic endeavoury. Tastefully too I may add.So I was disturbingly shocked when this loud mouthed tart and her baby handling daughter comes in with their Chrissy voucher yesterday and all you could hear for the whole time i was there(admittedly only about 10 minutes) was her witchlike cackle laughing and asking how much it was hurting her daughter(get this”sheyenne”,not sure if I spelled it right,but y’know,like the indians carnt) while nursing bub over one shoulder,going out for ciggy breaks. After about an hour later i dropped back in to surprise my friend with a subway(he was moaning about food earlier ) only to see an ambulance at the entrance of the shop my friend works at.Guess who’s had an epileptic fit ?I asked “mum” what happened and apparently “she just lost it.pissed herself and everyfing”.With this I cringed and sympathetically thought “merry christmas”.

2 01 2011
Tombarina

Oh, Tamer. That’s horrific.

You clearly have fresh insights into the mindset and mob behaviours of Boganicus Rex and its ilk – welcome aboard!

3 01 2011
urbanreverie

G’day Tamer. Morayfield. Enough said. 🙂 That place should have remained sugar cane fields and strawberry farms rather than becoming yet another bogan bacterial colony on the petri dish of South East Queensland.

Looks like we have another member of the (cue deep authoritative voice) BOGAN HALL OF SHAME, and the first female!

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