#204 – Curtis

20 12 2010

No, not super-fly funk pioneer Curtis Mayfield, or golden-era actor Tony Curtis. And definitely not epileptic proto-hipster Ian Curtis. The bogan likes budding celebrity chef Curtis Stone. The celebrity chef is not a new bogan phenomenon; bogans everywhere, not possessed of the ability to cook, or patience to learn, will happily cook vicariously through various televisual ciphers. And few ciphers are as cipheriffic as the distressingly handsome Mr Stone.

After honing his chops working alongside renowned chef Marco Pierre in London, Curtis briefly returned to Australia to film television show Surfing the Menu, featuring two of “Australia’s hunkiest celebrity chefs” cooking up fancy dishes and displaying their chiselled torsos on location at various Australian beaches. Realising that being a TV chef was much more fun than being abused by a Ukranian sous chef while julienning vegetables for 14 hour stints, Curtis moved to the US where he embarked on a successful television career. Curtis’ blokey charm, brawny good looks and adequate cooking ability saw him appear on a string of US talkshows including Oprah and Martha Stewart, star in his own series Take Home Chef, launch his own range of cookware, write several cookbooks and be voted one of People Magazine’s Sexiest Men Alive.

But the bogan was still relatively unaware of Curtis’ existence. An appearance on the MasterChef Series finale helped, but it wasn’t until he started popping up on widescreen 3D TVs around the country during the ad breaks of Channel 10’s Commonwealth Games coverage that Curtis found bogan fame. Needing something to entice the bogan into their supermarkets when Masterchef was off-air, Coles marketing boffins chose Curtis to be the face of their ‘Feed Your Family for under $10’ promotion, featuring recipe cards and a series of advertisements in which Curtis helps bogans cook ‘his recipes’, which allegedly feed a family of four for under $10. The promotion was an instant hit with the bogan who, since watching Masterchef, now orders its curries somewhere between mild and medium, tries to work out what to do with its new George Calombaris-branded tagine and “plates up” its beef and black bean.

In one particularly irritating and offensive advertisement, Curtis helps a bogan woman cook ‘his’ chicken Madras, after transporting her to a frighteningly realistic depiction of modern India where attractive Indian women in saris dance and ride elephants, an anonymous Indian man in an apron gives the proverbial thumbs up to Curtis’ interpretation of this classic Birmingham dish, an Indian woman ponders marrying her daughter off to Curtis and a group of children cheer when a giant television screen shows a bogan child finish her plate.

In October, Choice awarded the promotion its shonky award, claiming Curtis’ $7.76 Coq au Vin would really cost almost $30 when including uncosted pantry items like a bottle of red wine. This forced Coles to drop the ‘under $10’ part of the promotion, but thankfully Curtis’ appeal to the bogan was unharmed. Indeed, Curtis’ bogan-baiting skills were enhanced a thousand-fold when he was recruited by the one and only Oprah Winfrey to become her very own pet Australian, a move designed to make his appeal to bogans truly global.

So, on Christmas Day, bogans nationwide will open their Chrisco Hampers, then sit down to tuck into Curtis’ turkey, having spent $120 dollars feeding their family with a meal that they still think cost under $10. Because Curtis told them so.


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277 responses

20 12 2010
v'visexxxion

That face will age with all of the grace of Wurzel Gummage.

20 12 2010
20 12 2010
bec

Uncanny.

20 12 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. You forgot Curtis Jackson. Surely the bogan loves his maxxtreme ability to survive 9 gun shot wounds?

20 12 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
“and” remove a bullet with the tip of his “Bowie” knife then cauterise the wound with gunpowder, leaving him fit to go wrestle the black hats.

20 12 2010
Nelson Esq

The Coq Au Vin would probably cost under $10 if the bogue used wine from a goonbag.

20 12 2010
v'visexxxion

It would have to a 4 litre goon though, none of the uppity 2 litre salad dressing

20 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Or that $2 Chilean wine Woolies sell. I used some of it to clean grease off my bike and the damned metal started bubbling and giving off vapour!

20 12 2010
James Hunter

Simon, it is good for removing blueing from gun bits readying them for re blueing in ful streanght coke

20 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Have not tried but probably JH. It is caustic sh*t.

20 12 2010
Werdna

Ah. Curtis Jackson. The guy who claims that mebogues who doesn’t give #124 to their femmebogue should be shot.

20 12 2010
clipper

Talking of Ian Curtis, can you Imagine a Bogan coming across the recent Joy Division film Control by accident and exclaiming “What the farck – I just paid megabucks for my maxstreem 3D set and they’re putting on this black and white s**t!!!!”

20 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I find the number of 20 year olds wearing Joy Division shirts these days highly suspicious. They were a great band, but I doubt that they would be as popular as the t-shirts are in this day and age? Unless David Guetta does an Ibiza Remix of Love Will Tear Us Apart. I’m wondering if some bogue marketeer has bought the Licence and is going to flog it to death Clash Style?

20 12 2010
Shirley

Same thing happened with Ramones and Sex Pistols shirts a while back when punk was cool. Joy Division tshirts are a symbol of emo, despite the fact that the kids wearing them and not necessarily listening to the music.

20 12 2010
p'bee

joy division are pretty popular in the indie/non-mainstream music crowd. lots of bands in the last five years or so have listed joy division as one of their main influences, so many people (myself sort of included) have come to know joy division through other bands. i’d say that if you see a 20 year old wearing a joy division t-shirt they are most likely a fan.

20 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I’d say its more likely that they’ve shopped at Dangerfield. I’m not convinced that Joy Division could really be that popular today. Yes it might be popular to say they are influenced by Joy Divsion, or like Joy Division, but I’d lay money on most people who wear the shirts not being able to name 3 songs or an album.

20 12 2010
SD

Perhaps they might be able to based on the movie Control which really brought Joy Division to the fore?

Its like Nick Drake becoming popular after that car ad. He hardly sold before that but I would think about 80% of those who listen to him because of the publicity post ad are genuine fans.

20 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Maybe,Though most of the tshirt buyers would have watched 24 Hour Party People and not that arty bastard’s Control…. I just think that Joy Division’s success was really rooted in the time and place of the Britain 1979/1980. If they appeared today, these t-shirt wearers wouldn’t pay them any attention. It is possible I am being too cynical though.

20 12 2010
SD

Yes of course, its 24 hour party people!

I guess at any point in time there will be people who genuinely like something and tossers who do it because its fashionable.

20 12 2010
p'bee

the cross-section of people at the peter hook joy division tribute in september was pretty large, with quite a lot of under-30s. there’ll be some who listen to joy division to seem cool, but it isn’t like the ramones/rolling stones/misfits merchandising that can be bought at any department store.

20 12 2010
v'visexxxion

p’bee and SD, you ‘re both probably right, at least I hope so. I’m just a jaded old queen who always thought that Joy Division was good, but New Order was a million time better!

20 12 2010
martin

I agree New Order was better. That movie “Control” was depressing.

20 12 2010
p'bee

i don’t think you could make a movie about ian curtis happy. it just wouldn’t really work.

20 12 2010
martin

You could make it more like black humour like Trainstopping, make it in colour too. Poor bastard though, hated all the attention, I guess to do it respectfully, then yeah, you’re right.

20 12 2010
p'bee

maybe they should have taken the funniest home videos approach and put in silly sound effects at the depressing parts – ian’s having an epileptic fit in the car in the middle of the night? a slide whistle will lighten the mood.

20 12 2010
v'visexxxion

What film couldn’t be improved by the inclusion of Ninjas?

20 12 2010
p'bee

ian curtis – you know him as a depressed epileptic post punk icon, but when he leaves the stage he becomes a stealth ninja.

20 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I think i saw him in Kyoto 2 years ago, running up and down the 1000 steps of Temple Schmemple wearing nothing but a strategically placed bandana. At least I think it was him – would make a good sequel. Kill Ian.

20 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I saw him last night on SBS2 on Ninja Warrior. Made it through to round 3 but failed on the spider walk.

20 12 2010
p'bee

the spider walk always gets you.

20 12 2010
martin

Oh yeah, I forgot about the epilepsy.

Well they could have made it more aggressive. Like Romper Stomper. Like when the girl in that has an epileptic fit and one of the skinheads laughs at her and calls her a spastic.

21 12 2010
chris

And Alexandra Maria Lara could get her kit off in a few scenes… rrrrrrr….

20 12 2010
SD

That may be but none of them took the trouble to die early!

20 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Yeah, I guess he did make an effort. That point i’ll concede

20 12 2010
Shoulder Chip

The Che Guevera-syndrome strikes again

21 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

forgive me V’v.
I have seen dangerfield.
the decor is a bit “steelworks” innit?
is this actually a store for young gay men with exceptionally poor fashion sense and an eye for this week’s biggest trend?
it seems incongruous.
Oh My God!
has someone segmented Gay Bogans?

22 12 2010
v'visexxxion

No definitely not- I actually worked for Dangerfield for a period of 6 months 11 years ago. It’s all for teen girls who’s parents like to sexualise them early and 20 somethings who like to wear knocked off fashions from over seas, made extremely cheaply in china. I remember a customer coming in and complaining because she sneezed and the button blew off her new corduroy pants. The shop manager then (following standard procedures) questioned whether the customer had dared to wash her clothes in warm water! And they underpaid everyone – i think they were giving me $11 am hour, the award was $12. When I found out i didn’t bother trying to get the back pay, i just went out and got a decent job! Gay bogans just go for bland labels like FCUK, Cuntry Rd, Raw Denim and many turn to Ed Hardy for casuals and underwear.

20 12 2010
clipper

The T Shirt for ‘unknown pleasures’ is pretty cool though (apparently successive pulses from the first pulsar discovered) so people may buy it who don’t even know Joy Division existed. I would put Joy Division near the top of recording artists that have the biggest gap between amount sold and the amount of influence they have had (along with Velvet Underground and Nick Drake)

20 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

I’m more concerned about the number of Twenty somethings who think Guns & Roses are cool.
Guns & Roses are shit.
Guns & Roses always were shit.

20 12 2010
p'bee

amen to that.

20 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Word.

20 12 2010
Shirley

We have a thing in our house that’s similar to the Godwin Effect. It’s called the Axl Effect and you would be right in thinking that this refers to the fact that eventually all conversations will lead to a mention of GnR.

21 12 2010
AlyssaKT

Haha – has it ever happened before, here?

21 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

No.

Guns n Roses became shit only after they became Axl’s Ego.

21 12 2010
p'bee

there was a time before axl’s ego?

20 12 2010
Shirley

“…classic Birmingham dish”. Love it.

I’m shocked and appalled to learn Curtis was voted one of anyone’s sexiest anything. I fail to see his sex appeal personally. His features are too small for his face or something.

20 12 2010
Suze

Agreed Shirley. There’s just something not right on that face. After exhaustive research I have attributed it to the following:
Eyes: too squinty and small
Nose: enormous
Chin: enormous
His saving grace for some maybe the messy, supposedly ‘fresh from the surf’ , expensively messed up, blonde tipped hair….

20 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

the faux grin takes it for me.
nothing sucks worse than insinscerity.
except possibly Guns & Roses.

20 12 2010
martin

So much fodder for TBL out there.

I tried a couple of those under ten dollar meals. Because I’m always looking for recipes that are tasty and simple. But of course you always need some weird shit like turmeric or something which costs five bucks. You probably also need an anorexic family who doesn’t eat much. But if you have the meal 300 times a year it works out to be ten bucks a go because then you use all of the turmeric.

Yeah, he’s such a tool. I was wondering when you’d do a celebrity chef thing except I thought you’d do a generic ‘celebrity chef’ post.

You also need to do one on those ‘market update’ things that woolworths do where they tell you that potatos might have a mark on them and that broccoli is going to cost 50 cents more because of a f#cking storm somewhere.

20 12 2010
travo

what about the Banana drought of the mid 2000’s, where due to cyclone in Qld bananas skyrocketed in price, thus meaning they became a status symbol and become the iphone of the fruit world, attracting bogans like flies to shit.

20 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Oh god, I used to work with a boguette that thought the wittiest thing in the world to say to every single customer was ” You can pay with Cash, Card, or even Bananas if you like”. Trouble was, the banana crises ended but the joke kept being repeated ad nauseum for another 8 months until someone cracked it and told her to belt up with the old banana gags.

20 12 2010
martin

It works doesn’t it. Makes the bogan feel like they’re perusing some f#cking french market place when they buy a bag of f#cking carrots.

20 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

Media Watch had a nice spray about ads which are not ads.
The Market Update piece is not an ad apparently (in the sense that you can only run (x)minutes of ads in a given hour or whatever).
It is excluded because it is “informational” or something.

20 12 2010
travo

Celebrity Chefs are only in existance to fleece money from bogans, poor Peter Russell Clarke, he missed out on the cash cow that now goes hand-in-hand with being a tv chef, surely he would be turning in his grave.

20 12 2010
v'visexxxion

No, his face pops up on developers billboards on occasion. He’s still whoring his cheesy image out.

20 12 2010
Tone

PRC is still alive and kicking. But here’s some of his lesser known work.

20 12 2010
travo

hes still alive??? I thought if he was alive surely he would have been dusted off and given one of those cooking type shows, i mean if Gabreile Gate and and Gabriel Gate Version 2.0 (Manu/Mano??? the other french guys dont know his name) can get TV gigs, and they still wheel out Margaret Fultons old corpes, then PRC could be given another run.

20 12 2010
Tone

He’s pushing 80 now, so he’s pretty much retired. That said, it didn’t stop Woolies from wheeling out Margaret Fulton in their recent ad campaign.

If only Bernard King were still with us …

21 12 2010
Pipergirl

PRC’s actually been wheeled out a few times by the Boganic favourites of television viewing – ACA and Today Tonight. I think I saw him on something about how sourdough isn’t really sourdough, but by then my mental capacity was so diminished it could only hold the fact that “Holy c**p he’s still alive”…

20 12 2010
martin

That was hilarious. I wish we had him back instead of all these tossers. This interview is funny too.

http://www.timeoutsydney.com.au/restaurants/newsinterviews/peter-russell-clarke.aspx

“The problem with a lot of chefs is that they think they’re either scientists or someone down from god. What they should be doing is saying, ‘Our job is the simplest job in the world.’ To dig a hole in the road is difficult, to cook a piece of fish is simple. All you do is supply heat to it. I think a lot of cooks are wankers and absolutely full of shit.”

He’d be 75 now.

20 12 2010
travo

after reading that i think that PRC would give Ramsay a run for his money in the profanity states.

20 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

But at least PRC’s expletives has some warmth, humour and humanity behind them; Gordon Ramsay is just some potty-mouthed misanthropic git.

22 12 2010
spewy

‘Potty-mouthed’ what an English saying you should be called bag of chippy’s

22 12 2010
James Hunter

spewy, and you may be a “big girls blouse” ?

20 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Oops…”have” some warmth, rather.

20 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Bravo, Tone, Bravo!

PRC encapsulates the bogan in a few choice words: “what they are, are drunks and fornicators”.

Putting up the clip to embarrass you? Au contraire! You carry it off marvellously, they most likely think you’re a bit of legend, unlike those cookie cutter hosts and chefs on all the other infotainment dross that pass themselves off as cooking shows nowadays.

20 12 2010
Tone

Thanks, BO’T. I am but a conduit. That PRC vid has been around for a couple of years now but I still love it.

When you see the old school cooks like PRC and Delia Smith in action, you realise just how ridiculous modern day celebrichefs are.

20 12 2010
Tone

Here’s some trivia for you: I have a weekly exercise regime where I go to my local Coles for a few hours 3 nights a week and fill shelves (only bogans pay for exercise, the rest of us get paid to exercise). Coles’ target market is the 25-49 femmebogue, hence the heavy use of images of generically handsome maxtreme celebrichefs in their marketing. If Coles’ target market were 25-49 hipster males, they’d use Peter Russell-Clarke instead.

21 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

PRC was the spokesmodel of Crusta fruit juice earlier in the noughties; I wonder if the hipsters got into it? Was one of the few orange juices not to have sulphur dioxide in it as a preservative and was made of fresh juice, as opposed to being padded out with frozen concentrate.

20 12 2010
AlyssaKT

Haha. When I looked at one of these menu cards at Coles I noticed pretty quickly that relatively expensive items like herbs and spices were listed as 20c to keep the meal “under $10” (because you only used part of the jar that cost you $5 to buy)…

http://www.choice.com.au/reviews-and-tests/money/shopping-and-legal/shopping/the-2010-shonky-awards/page/the-shonkiest-services.aspx

20 12 2010
Lola

Eww… Curtis Stone is rancid, even without his shameless support of the foie gras industry.

21 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

How much foie gras can one buy for $10?

Not much, I’m guessing; not that I indulge in meat, fish or poultry products, so I wouldn’t have the foggiest.

Still corralled into baking the Christmas ham for the family though, as no one else can quite get it just so like I do.

20 12 2010
Lola

Oh and the’ feed your family for under $10′ is just a version of the Jamie Oliver/Sainsbury’s (?? Tesco’s??) ‘Feed your family for a fiver’ campaign, and unfortunately Curtis is just a poor man’s Jamie.

7 02 2011
Mark

If only i could shop at Sainsbury’s or Tesco. The food in Aussie supermarkets is much better than UK ones but the service and choice are soo much better.

20 12 2010
SD

Grossi/Fulton/Puttock schilling for Woolies-gross.

Fulton seems to be *everywhere*- I think I saw her at the Apple store the other day.

20 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

we noticed Woolies responded to Curtis with their own range of cardboard cut outs. gone are Nona and Spirou and their home made bird scarer.
(I thought that was a sweet ad, if a little confusing; why are Nona and Spirou buying ther “fresh food” at Woolies when the garden is chocka?)
the modern Bogan knows that Nona wouldn’t know a Santoku from a Sous Vide, he needs a professional to tell him how to burn his Angus.

21 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Woolies pay them handsomely, no doubt, to spruik their spurious wares, where they also shoehorn farmers into stating how fresh their produce is that goes to their stores. Pah! As if. Woolies are notorious for snaring primary producers into deals that shaft them, to which they comply to simply due to the reliability they offer as a buyer of their wares.

Woolworths. Back(door)ing our Aussie farmers.

21 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

indeed.
and then they have the gall to buttonhole customers to donate to their “Farm Relief” stunt (or whatever they call it). disgusting.
was it four corners who did the expose on our grocery cartel?

(point the first: how do I do accents on vowels?)
(point the second: “cartel” is the wrong word, but vocab fails me. maybe “duopoly” is better, but I want something which sounds more sinister. Ah! got it! – Cabal. Our grocery Cabal.)

21 12 2010
AlyssaKT

I only know é (Alt 0233) so for anything else I Google the word and copy and paste the result I want – eg “señor”

22 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

genius.
you should be emperor of the gold coast.

22 12 2010
AlyssaKT

haha – thank you! What a back-handed compliment!

I shall rule with a 24 carat, diamante-encrusted brand-emplazened maxxxtreme c*nt fisting fist!!

28 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

There could be an exquisite twist on Hunter S. Thompson’s Gonzo Flag that you could model a standard heralding your rulership over 😉

Call it the Gonzo P•rn Ensign.

20 12 2010
Sybil Ince

“Distressingly handsome”. Face like a slapped arse, more like.

22 12 2010
AlyssaKT

I think that was their point – face like distressed denim jeans (that you can slap the arse out of, should you wish).

20 12 2010
Sybil Ince

Holy shit, I just watched the video. So nice to see at that at least one culture has a residential facility for its mustachioed women.

20 12 2010
Will S

That is the worst ad ever made, the worst video ever made, possibly the worst THING ever made, full stop.

20 12 2010
camm

You forgot that he hosted the first season of My Restaurant Rules.

We simply couldn’t fit everything in our self-imposed word limit! TBL

20 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Wonder if any of those restaurants who were entrants in either season of that show are still going?

I know the ones in Perth and Fremantle are long-gone…the site of the latter remained vacant for some considerable time. Perhaps it wasn’t leasable until the memory of My Restaurant Rules and its accompanying patina of bad credibility had sufficiently dissipated from the building…rats and cockroaches are much easier to exterminate than the stench of bad TV turkeys.

20 12 2010
Tone

The one in Adelaide did quite well for about 3 years, until they tried opening an upmarket burger bar at Glenelg. That did so poorly that it dragged The Greedy Goose down with it.

20 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

aaahh.
I always wondered…

20 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

Ha!

Things Bogans Like

#904 – Glenelg.
Hysterical. If you’re from anywhere else and you come to visit Adelaide, you just have to see glenelg.
It’s The Esplanade, It’s The Corso, It’s Claremont. right here in adelaide.
It’s Glenelg.

20 12 2010
Thomas

The under $10 thing was clever marketing. If bogans thought that buying the ingredients would cost less than $10 they were delusional. They never claimed that buying the ingredients would cost less than $10, they said the amount of ingredients used worked out at less than $10. Clever marketing and bogans being stupid couldn’t see it. Top work Coles.

20 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Or they could indeed cook the said dish for $10. But they would have to do without the expensive things needed in small quantities that complete the dish, such as spices, herbs and other condiments.

But that will matter to the bogan family none, given their fundamental aversion to herbs or spices, which always rises like pond scum to the surface once the novelty of those weird sh¡t invariably fades.

20 12 2010
AlyssaKT

And there’s always tomato sauce, anyway.

20 12 2010
Curtis Blow

Chicken Tikka Masala is the english curry dish.

Madras is traditionally indian.

20 12 2010
AlyssaKT

Fact.

20 12 2010
clipper

Tikka Masala was apparently created in Scotland (according to an episode of QI)

20 12 2010
SD

Am I the only one who can’t stand QI and Stephen Fry?

20 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I don’t have an opinion on him yet, i was just given his new autobiography so will read it and get back to you on that. I have only seen a few minutes of QI and thought it was ok. Why the dislike? He’s very self depreciating, yet a bit of a media whore which I can see would give people the irrates.

20 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

He is brilliant on Blackadder.

20 12 2010
SD

He’s kind of irritatingly pompous. Its the Brit thing of being self deprecating while not being so at all.

Blackadder-he is the weaker part of it given Rowan Atkinson and Hugh Laurie (who I find very good)-except the WWII bits I grant.

He’s terrible in Wilde-a movie you would think made for him.

About the only think I liked Fry was in Jeeves and Wooster.

20 12 2010
Shirley

I used to love Stephen Fry but recent times has led me to believe he’s actually a bit of a clown shoes. However I agree with Simon, he was brilliant on Black Adder.

20 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I have not watched any of his current stuff. I saw a couple of minutes of him swanning around USA in his cab but it did not interest me. I will just remember General Melchit.

20 12 2010
Shirley

His recent comments that women don’t like sex as much as men, which he then passed off as a joke (even though it wasn’t) and his subsequent (temporary) abandonment of Twitter so that he was not available for comment pissed me off.

20 12 2010
martin

I’ve only had a glance at it. It looks like shallow, pretentious libtard shit like Spicks and Specks. Everybody back slaps each other and laughs at stuff that isn’t even remotely funny and sucks each other’s dicks for being in the libtard club.

20 12 2010
SD

I think what you mean is it’s bourgeois. Then again I suppose libtards is the new name for them.

I don’t mind Spicks and Specks but I am more a RocKwiz fan.

PS: I saw Tim Freedman on some thingie yesterday-don’t know very much about him – but does he ever smile?

20 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Would you smile if you were semi famous for writing a song about hamburgers?

I like Spicks myself even if it does occasionally get a bit back slappy.

20 12 2010
SD

Just googled – touche!

Also “There’s a thousand songs I’ve written and they’re all about bloody Newtown” 🙂

20 12 2010
Shirley

I forgot about that hamburger song. Awful.

I got given the Spicks and Specks board game yesterday. You guys should all come over and play.

20 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Tim would be a Libtard poster boy. Next time I am in Brissy I’m in Shirl.

20 12 2010
Shirley

I did like that song that had the line ‘I’m stoned in a bookshop, sober in a nightclub, sex is everywhere but nowhere ’round meeeee’. The name escapes me.

21 12 2010
Whistling Nixie

“You Look Like Louie Burdett”

20 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

ditto Simon
We will kick yo asses!
I rock at Rockwiz.

20 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

oh.
spicks and specks.
sorry. yeah.
not so good at that.
sorry. I got sick of it and stopped watching.
and Myf? WTF?
no.
I used to do tubby nerds for charity maybe, but I’m married now.

20 12 2010
Tone

Would be it be fair to speculate that at least 50% of the S&S audience only watches it for Myf? Well, that’s the only reason I watch.

20 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

That’s fair Tone.

21 12 2010
Pete

Spicks and Specks is bad, but Rockwiz is infinitely worse. That hostess is a shocker, and the minimal residual cred the Esplanade had has now disappeared – kind of like St Kilda I guess. One other thing: why are the people on that show so damned ugly? My recollection of the place 20 years ago was it was a great place to score a half (not fully) decent root, and I don’t think my standards have improved since then.

22 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

Both Rockwiz and Spicks n Specks are getting old. I sincerely doubt the intended footprint is twenty somethings. It always seems to be washed up muso/industry types and Megan Washington or washed up muso/industry types and Hamish and/or Andy.

20 12 2010
Nelson Esq

I love QI. I love the fact that it doesn’t play to the traditional quiz show format. Also like that the ‘contestants’ rarely know any answers which brings on the comedic banter and then they end up with a score of minus 5.

I bought and read ‘The Liar’, one of Stephen Fry’s novels when I lived in England. I enjoyed the story but I found I needed a dictionary next to me when I read it, as he did insist on using some very intellectual, unique and rarely used words in the English language. Certainly there were many words which were beyond my vocabulary and I am not someone who has limited their adjectives soley to the word ‘f*cking’ (like your average bogan)

I’m certain Fry wanted to show off the fact that he is an intellectual with a Cambridge degree and that you probably need to be his intellectual equal to enjoy and appreciate his prose. Give me a Ben Elton book any day!

21 12 2010
Pipergirl

A degree he got into the roundabout way – after winding up in prison on his 18th birthday (yeah, guess who’s just finished the first autobio).

20 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

Not Me!
We love Qi round our way.

20 12 2010
SD

Off topic, I spent way too much time on this site this weekend.

http://thedreamstress.com/

And of course I thought of p’bee 🙂

20 12 2010
p'bee

ooh, pretty things…

20 12 2010
p'bee

i followed one of the links and it is even better: http://defunctfashion.tumblr.com/

21 12 2010
SD

It is too!

20 12 2010
Shirley

In other news, I was at a christmas gathering yesterday and people who weren’t me brought TBL, the book and associated media coverage, up in conversation. Much laughing ensued, along with hurtling accusations of boganic tendencies. I for example was accused of being bogan because I wish to marry Prince Harry, while I decried all those who wished for 3D tellies from Santa. Your tentacles are spreading fellas.

20 12 2010
Simon of South Yarra

Oh, “tentacles”, sorry I misread it

20 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

If you dress like Eva Braun, then maybe you’ll get a look in 😛

20 12 2010
Shirley

I can totally do that!

20 12 2010
Pendant

I’m not really up to speed on Curtis’ cooking credentials (or lack thereof), but I have for the longest time wanted the punch that fu*ker square in the gaping maw. Why can’t he just close his mouth for one f*cking second? I was starting to think that Coles et al. were just using the one photo of him and photoshopping different shirts onto it. Now I see this ‘poor man’s Bollywood’ ad and he doesn’t have his lips together in one single frame. I don’t know why this gets under my skin so much, but I do hope someone glasses him in such a way to dislocate that ever exercised jaw so he is forced to keep it shut for just one day.

Now I’m all mad again. Nice one TBL

20 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

he’s a mouth breather.

20 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyfcOriVKBM

Shallow, juvenile, funny.

20 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Irrelevent, indulgent, f*ck it.

20 12 2010
Blueballs

Curtis Stone is a racist pig! Witness his Coles commercial with Cathy Freeman. Cathy is about to explain how by shopping at Coles, Australian school sports programmes will benefit. But before she can get two words out, Stone snatches the $20 note out of her hand and takes it upon himself to explain the scheme, relegating Cathy to the role of comic stooge for the remaining 25 seconds. Its obvious for all to see that Stone thinks an aboriginal can’t be trusted to explain a simple message OR manage money. RACIST

20 12 2010
AlyssaKT

Haha – or could it be the direction they were given that made the ad the way it is??
Do you think either were actually encouraged to do their own thing?

21 12 2010
Will S

Well I suppose in this case it makes Coles racist. Or not. I dunno.

21 12 2010
AlyssaKT

Have you heard Cathy speak? Perhaps they were forced to edit her speaking out. I would. And I am certainly not saying that because of the colour of her skin.

21 12 2010
Blueballs

I could think that,its plausible enough when you look at it that way. However I like the idea that the tall Arian looking cook might actually be a smug racist.

And I doubt very much Cathy Freeman would lower herself to play the ‘simple, bumbling, coloured sidekick’ (“o lawdy masta”, I think not) although she did try and outrun a criminal kangaroo in that ill-fated world cup soccer promo, so her judgement isn’t great…

21 12 2010
AlyssaKT

I’d say it just turned out that way because she was incoherent in every take. And/or she tested badly on the bogan market testing audience.

21 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I’d say that it turned out this way because nobody in their right fecking mind cares about or wants to hear about the benefits of a Coles promotion to school sports programmes during a 30 second ad. And most sports stars are useless at public speaking, regardless of race. I think you might be right Alyssa, one big editing salvage job was undertaken to make the most of a dud concept

20 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

I had seen this guy’s mug in my local Coles, but had no idea who he was. For a while there I had thought he was some kind of recruiter for Australia’s answer to the Hitler Youth – the Bogan Youth, perhaps?

20 12 2010
James Hunter

Part of the doctor Mengele experiments in eugenics by dietry control

3 09 2011
AC

Wow… if only you knew how close to the truth you are!

In high school (Penleigh and Essendon Grammar) Mr Curtis Stone went through a wannabee NeoNazi stage. Shaved and dressed appropriately, he used to bully scrawny Asian kids, was the sole borrower of the library copy of Mein Kampf and came to a ‘dress as your hero day’ wearing a Hitler costume. I remember teachers looking on incredulously. I could tell Mr Ruttkay (the History teacher) was not happy, but nothing seemed to be done about it.

Every couple of years, a journalist will track down a classmate of Mr Stone and ask them to verify this. No one wants to do it publicly because quite frankly, we cant prove it outside of our memories. Someone must have a picture of that day surely…. (1989 IIRC) One plucky journalist did ask this question to Mr Stone at one stage and was told it was a fabrication made up by a jealous ex-girlfriend.

Curtis finished year 12 slightly calmer, but with an unspectacular academic performance, was lucky enough to be from a monied family and soon found himself in London. The rest is outlined above and elswehere.

My run-ins with Mr Stone were few, but I do remember the odd “f****n wog” hurled my way 😉 I wonder if Oprah and Cathy Freeman would be pleased to stand alongside the man knowing this?

Signed
Can of Worms

8 06 2014
AK

What years did he go to PEGS? I remember a blonde guy called Curtis who was in my year. At the time I think I was in year 7.

20 12 2010
Mumfy27

Shop at IGA is all i gotta say………..(conflict of interest i work at one)

20 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I used to work at one myself for a time; the one I worked at was in an upmarket suburb, ergo it was expensive, but did stock some very fine produce.

IGAs, with their franchise ownership structure, can be a hit-and-miss affair: for every goldmine out there, there are about where disappointment costs you no more. Or even just maybe a little more.

20 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Ah, poops: thinking faster than I can type: “there are about FOUR where disappointment cost you no more”, rather.

20 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

Roger That.
Adelaidies – Romeos IGA’s @ various locales
and the big one at Pasadena. good prices (poor butcher), quality fine foods, excellent cheese bar.
I thoroughly endorse this product or service.
Fuck Col#s and Woolw*rths.
I only go in to shoplift.

20 12 2010
Mumfy27

yeah i work at a IGA in the country. Only grocery store in town. Although does shite me off when people that live and work in the town have to drive 65kms to the nearest woolies or coles when the range of products there is same what is stocked in IGA

20 12 2010
James Hunter

But Mumfy,
Woolworths are the “fresh food people” he he he
tommatoes from Bowen strawberries from margaret River cabbage from China. apples that have been for (deity of choice) knows how long in controlled atmosphere storage. and the meat the only thing fresh is the colour. twice the price of Aldi and IGA or Franklins. Grrrrrrrrrrr
Woolworths and Coles/Bilo are prime examples of the stupidity and gulibility of the average customer.That they exist at all is a sad reflection on our collective IQ.

20 12 2010
Mumfy27

Yes i had a day where the collective IQ of the nation was truly on display. Was in Murray Bridge or Muzza Bizza (local bogan lingo). My eyes are still scarred from the 45 year old larger woman wearing denim leggings and singlet top and the cookie cutter teen daughter ( leggings short skirt ,black hair emo fringe cut with loud pink highlights) searching though the bargain rack at Jay Jays……..scared to sleep now

21 12 2010
TW

Oh I miss Murray Bridge, the Bridge…far enough out of the city to be country..stopping off point before long drives yet also a good place to hide out there with the Bunyip.

27 12 2010
Tone

The best thing about Murray Bridge is the road heading out of it. Sort of like Gawler, only worse.

20 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Anyway, TBL, I have a question to ask you.

On a scale of 1 to Ed Hardy, how bogan is starting a fight at your godson’s christening?

Let me explain. I got off my plane yesterday after my European jaunt and was met by bogan best mate who tells me that my godson, little Reke (who’s naming story can be found in the name thread) is getting christened tomorrow and since I’m his godfather, I have to be there. As much as I hate #141 and I’m about as Christian as Osama bin Laden, I figured I had to do it for Tyreke.

So this morning I borrowed a suit from my dad and showed up with a smile on my face. Unfortunately I had forgotten that her parents and the rest of her family would be there – they of the Sylvania Waters postcode and every NAB cliche there is (I’m pretty sure this site was created for them). I won’t bother describing their appearances – you come up with your own ideas and it’ll be about right.

Anyway, once they realised that (heaven forbid) a…a…a curry had invaded their morning of all that was holy in bogandom, they started making contrary remarks and complaining. Mate, his brother and their mum tried to explain, but then I got involved.
“We’ve been best mates since we were about as big as Tyreke is right now. We’ve played sport together since we were five. I’ve bailed this dude out of more shit than youse can imagine and he’s done the same for me. And you farktards think I shouldn’t be the godfather of his son just cause I’m Indian? If that’s the case, then youse can go fark right off,” in my best bogan (which sadly is pretty much my normal English).
When the remarks still didn’t stop and I heard something about Tyreke not being able to get a truly Australian upbringing cause I was around, well, that’s when I let Father In Law have it right in the face.

So tell me TBL – am I still allowed to post here, or was I in any way justified? (Just for the record, I’m not going to jail – mate’s girlfriend just told me she talked them out of pressing charges, but this means I’ll be babysitting for free for pretty much eternity).

Ha. I’ll forward this tale to the TBL writer of Indian ancestry, who is incidentally also currently on holiday in Europe. Michael Jayfox

And here tis:

Hahaha.

I feel for Ash’s boganic upbringing, but his resolve and loyalty is indeed admirable. Given that I am personally incapable of any form of non-literary violence and notwithstanding the crippling jet lag that Ash must have surely been nursing, I am chuffed he delivered an entirely non-Gandhian riposte. Hope little Reke appreciates this act of nobility. And yes, please continue posting.

Schon tag aus Wien,

Intravenus de Milo

20 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I think you should be up for Queens honours myself. And you have earnt the Maxxtreme tag well Ash.

Do these people believe because you are part Indian you won’t understand what they are saying or something. I would have bought out a glass if I were you so good work. I hope your mate stood up for you.

20 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

He did – I almost initiated a full on brawl. Basically he told them he’d much rather have me around than them (I knew that anyway – he hates her entire family, especially her dad).

28 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

And since I’m a die-hard republican, any honours Lizzie may give me are going straight on eBay.

20 12 2010
SD

They sound appalling.

20 12 2010
v'visexxxion

If anything, they should have been grateful that the child wasn’t going to have a “truly Australian upbringing”. Nuff nuffs.

20 12 2010
Tone

Ash should be on the Australia Day honours list for sevices to multicultralism.

20 12 2010
Tone

^ and I should be on the list for services to shithouse spelling 😐

20 12 2010
p'bee

i realise they’re from the whitest and most insular part of the shire but that’s extreme even by sylvania waters standards.
you’re definitely still allowed to post here – as far as i’m concerned you were just communicating with the bogan in the only language that particular strain will understand.

20 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

didn’t you used to be in Lingerie?

20 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

I claimed I was a corporate lawyer cum lingerie model, yes.

But then I realised there’s no point in lying when I can claim something that I already am – that is, maxxtreme to the maxx.

21 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

and so you are Ash!

21 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

I’ve always got your back if you’re in the Extreme Outer Western Suburbs of Melbourne (i.e. Adelaide) Ash.

WTF with hating on Sub Continentals? They speak english and they play cricket. What’s your problem dickhead?

20 12 2010
D

The ad with the ‘bogan’ woman was actually filmed in India. The ‘bogan’ woman is also better known as “Ethel Chop”

20 12 2010
Mumfy27

just thinking when are the TBL guys going to do a post on Hamish and Andy. I cringe every time i hear these nitwits come up in a conversation i have to bite my tongue to point of bleeding to stop myself from telling them they have no taste in comedy

20 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

They can’t do that till they do Harley’s though.

20 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

after Guns & Roses

20 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Appetite for Destruction is terrific. I won’t hear debate on this.

21 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

I’ll forgive you for your youth ash.
By way of contrast, if memory serves, appetite for destruction was released around the same time as Red Hot Chili Pepper’s “Mother’s Milk”, Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” and Pulp’s “Freaks” The choice was easy. G’n’R did and still do look pretty weak in that company.

(notwithstanding RHCP have gone west in a seriously sad way. It was pretty exciting stuff at the time, n.b. they also managed to put together more than two or three albums. G’n’R Fail.)

21 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Appetite? Nah just more sh*t metalish stuff, Bon Jovi with attitude.

Same time Pixies – Surfer Rosa, Sonic Youth – Daydream Nation etc. Axl and Co were and are cheap shysters.

21 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

Axl.
geeez what a tool!
did they have a tune called “get in the ring”?
Axl inviting all comers. must have been quite a queue.
I would have been in it.

21 12 2010
v'visexxxion

C0ck Rock and Hair Rock has its charms though – Warrant’s Cherry Pie, Poison’s Unskinny Bop, Twisted Sister’s We’re Not Going To Take It… I even had GNR on cassette when I was about 14 years old. All good fun if you’re in the mood.

27 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

I’m not allowed to like Pixies and Sonic Youth as well as GnR? Carnts.

BTW, the greatest 80s album of all time is Skin Yard’s self-titled. I will hear no debate on this.

21 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

anyway Guns and Roses is Eighties.
stand by for the Nineties revival.
I’m tipping Oasis are about to become cool again.

21 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I saw an interview with Noel the other day. He is still hilarious. Calls it as he sees it that dude.

21 12 2010
p'bee

how he sees it is completely up his own arse, though.

21 12 2010
v'visexxxion

again?? I couldn’t stand them the first time. That Wonderwall shite was the surely the song that taught bogans how to sing loudly along to a rock chorus. If there is one thing worse than the Beatles, it’s Oasis wanting to be the Beatles. (apologies Turnips and Shirl).

21 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Bring back the KLF!

21 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

ah huh! ah huh! ah huh!

21 12 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

KLF is gonna Rock you!

21 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

AINshents of Mu Mu!

21 12 2010
v'visexxxion

All Aboard !! Wooo Hoooo!!

In about 1993/4 I went to an advertised KLF concert – it turned out to not be the KLF but Wanda Dee from Beatstreet and Leroy from Fame, who both did some backing vocals on Last Train To Transcentral (she contributed “Woo Hoo” I believe) – It was the funniest thing I have ever seen – they had tacky back up dancers – all men in animal print tights and Leroy came out and opened with “You may remember me from Fame, I’m Leroy, I might be Chunky, but I’m Funky”. Then they danced around to backing tapes for an hour and skipped town before anyone had time to lynch them. Good days.

21 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

I did hate Oasis at the time, but recently we were tooling thru their back catalogue (Likely at your suggestion V’v) and I found myself sorta…
y’know…
I mean it was OK.
In a “Beatles on Meth” kinda way.

21 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Never an Oasis fan but I loved the Gallaghers for their antics and stirring sh*t up.

21 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

punk as!
Gallaghers would tear Axl apart.

21 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

They would bend him over like the bitch he is and give him a rough rodgering.

21 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Holding on to his bali braids and riding him like a pony.

21 12 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

They would be snorting coke off his back and carve “Property of Gallagher” across his shoulders with a razor.

21 12 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Agreed re: Bogan Sing-a-long Viv.
See also: Blur “Song 2” (WoooHooo)
and Rage Against the Machine “Killing in the Name” (F#ck You! I won’t do what you tell me.)

21 12 2010
Shirley

Let’s not forget “I came to get down, I came to get down…. Jump around. Jump around. Jump around. Jump up, jump up and get down. Jump! Jump! Jump! Etc! Etc! Ad nauseum! Jump!

21 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Jump Mother F#cker Jump!

21 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

Public Enemy take an open letter to Will Smith:

21 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

again, if memory serves, Public Enemy would have popped up about the same time as W. Axl and his lame ass crew. (nice outfits boys, and who does your hair?)

21 12 2010
big_fat_floppie_SemenBelch

wow!
thanks chubbie! that’s some beautiful bad morning groove right there.

21 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Not to mention Radioheads first effort *shudder* Creep.

21 12 2010
v'visexxxion

That’s a pretty new name Chubby!

21 12 2010
Liam Gallaghers Monobrow

What you fooking coonts looking at!

21 12 2010
p'bee

hi liam, how’s your new band, beady eye, going? could you have found a dumber name?

21 12 2010
Liam Gallaghers Monobrow

Oh Fook yeh. How about Bon Iver or some lame ass sh*t like that.

21 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Viv, don’t make me go after Madonna. (Gay stereotypes are fun).

21 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Ash,You can go to town on that talentless old slapper as far as I’m concerned. Just hearing her name conjures up hideous imagery of her sinewy old ass writhing around on top of a boombox. urrrgh!

21 12 2010
v'visexxxion

You just leave Anna Nicole Smith alone though. Or else.

21 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Oasis can blow it out their arse!

Didn’t John Lennon at one stage call Mancunians twats or something along those lines, being Liverpudlian and harbouring the crosstown rivalries that it engendered? I’m sure he would’ve made an exception to his pacifism if he’d lived long enough to encounter those bellends.

(P.S. v’v, apologies accepted)

27 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

I love the first two, never been a Pulp fan though other than This Is Hardcore.

20 12 2010
Mumfy27

hahah okay its on the waiting the list……. your number will be called……..

20 12 2010
Lord Charos

Agreed. Hamish and Andy are the least funny people I can think of. In fact, i find their blistering idiocy to be irritating, and I’m in the age group they project their crap onto. 😦

20 12 2010
Lord Charos

PS: if I wanted to see a fools, I would watch channel One.

20 12 2010
James Hunter

Lord Charos
“a” fool”s” ?
deary me !!

20 12 2010
Mr Peoples

I’d just like to point out that the “bogan child” who “finish[ed] her plate” is in fact my niece. She ain’t no little bogan child (excluding the whole “everyone has a little bogan in them” sense).

These are the sort of “six degrees” things that bite us on the arse when we get 250,000 views a month! Can we offer you a truce of “child actor who was selected so that the bogan could envisage its own children eating gleefully”? TBL

21 12 2010
Mr Peoples

Gratefully accepted. Keep up the good work.

21 12 2010
AlyssaKT

I love it! Reminds me of the time you used a photo of someone’s kid as the “Their Children on Facebook” post image.
I gather you’ve used an overseas image on that post now, as no one has complained about the replacement photo yet!

20 12 2010
HappyFriend

I had no idea who this guy was! My wife and I were forced by circumstance to go to the Wendouree Coles (unfortunately!) recently and we saw, what we now know to be, Curtis Stone’s digusting looking dial looking down on us.
It didn’t enhance our supermarket experience at all! Frightful really.
What a horrible looking man.

20 12 2010
Shirley

I’m not sure if this is indicative of poor eyesight, a twisted mind or association, but I keep misreading the subject of today’s post in my email as ‘cunts’.

21 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Cunt, is.

21 12 2010
AlyssaKT

My eyes and mind like this.

21 12 2010
Lord Belligerent

Coles, Australia’s answer to a Russian supermarket… whenever I go there, it never has what I need…Foie Gras, Bolly,etc, etc

21 12 2010
big_fat_floppie_SemenBelch

thanks V’v, you always say the right thing.
Do we remember _juloppies_?
those were the days.

If we need an off colour list topic for the day, we could play with screen names:

Edouard Guntal-Queepage came to mind the other day.

21 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I changed my name and got moderated.

How about Axl’s sweaty gruffnuts.

21 12 2010
SD

Whatever happened to big fat jalopie, the genuine article of disturbia and the like?

Probably taking their meds regularly these days.

Sometimes I fear for the sanity of some posters….

21 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I changed my name and got moderated.

How about – Axl’s Sweaty Gruffnuts.

21 12 2010
ThirdUncle

Thanks for bringing this muppet up. I really want to clock his cutout right in the cardboard jaw every time I see it, which, as you would predict, is very often indeed.

21 12 2010
Mick

TBL the book has reached the Pilbera!

Sitting in the crib room today I noticed a bloke smirking in the background while all the others were braying at an episode of 2 1/2 Men. When I asked him what was going on he sidled over and told me about this book he was given for Xmas. Yep, I’m no longer alone.

I’m so very happy.

21 12 2010
Mick

By the way, who is this Curtis clown and why isn’t there a post yet on Harley Bloody Fergusons?

21 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yeah, cmon guys. Harleys.

21 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

…what if the Bogan bought it’s Harley, bright and shiny, right off the showroom floor. And bought the Harley Owner’s Group (H.O.G) officially licenced leather jacket and a matte black open face helmet and a pair of fingerless leather gloves (the bogan does not already own these items from a previous motorcycle. the bogan was never actually interested in motorcycles, it just wants a harley)and rode it home, stopping only to pick up a sixer of JD or Wild Turkey pre mixes. Arriving back at the MacMansion and putting its cans in the fridge, before heading back out to the triple garage to turn the beast over and sit on it, occasionally rolling the throttle to hear the big twin boom off the plasterboard, amplified in the barn sized space which could have been a lawn for its spawn to kick a footy on, the vibrations setting off a homoerotic thrill it will never acknowledge out load through its perineum as it nestles its balls on the Fat Bob tank, mentally perusing Names for his beloved new beast. Settling on The Black Bitch it swigs its Jack Death and reaches out to twist the throttle once more and is suddenly struck immobile, eyes wide in horror as it realises it has left its gloves stuffed in the helmet in the formal entrance foyer of the MacMansion.
Its hands are bare.
The Harley has been on the showroom floor for four months.
God knows how many try hards and wannabees have touched that great big chrome ended throttle twist grip!

GERMS!

casting its Jack aside, the bogan dashes through the formal entrance foyer, across the atrium, through the Sitting Area, Casual Dining Room, Billiard Room, TV Room and Meditation Space to the Kitchen and into the walk in pantry. Rummaging frantically through the shelves it locates a full bottle of Pine-O-Kleen Instant Hand Sanitiser and nearly sobs as it tears at the packaging and frantically works the handsfree pump with its knees to dispense the life saving gel onto its dangerously infested hand.

Things Bogans Like

#4371 – Killing Germs.
Thanks to the magic of marketing, the bogan has become aware that its entire world is actually a seething mass of filthy death causing germs. Fortunately the Marketing Men were able to direct the bogan to a near infinite plethora of germ neutralising technologies and the bogan spent appropriately. The bogan most likely first became aware of germs when it saw them falling off Louie the Fly in the Mortein commercial. Louie was created by some marketing men who decided people weren’t using enough fly spray. Rather than wait on the indolent thumbs of Bogans to redress the shortfall, they simply created products which empty themselves. Achieving spectacular success with insecticidal, hissing plastic hodads, the Marketing men then set about convincing the bogan that its home stinks.

22 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Chubby, Killing germs is important business, that’s why I only use this product:

http://www.neatoshop.com/product/Smack-My-Germ-B-tch-Hand-Sanitizer

I do use it, only because people tend to sneeze on you in medical centres, and their money is filthy. “Dr I have a discharge that I have been milking all morning with my bare hands”, “I’ll pay cash with these same dirty unwashed discharge milking paws please”.

22 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

It must be good V’v – they’re all sold out.
I’d buy that stuff just for the name!

sound reasoning on your part. I can’t argue that.
I don’t even want to think about it too much…

22 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I did buy it just for the name in fact. I’ll refill it when its empty with the free stuff we get at work! I agree with your sentiments on germ obsessions though. The amount of ads flogging germ killing household products is staggering – and unnecessary. If people washed their hands in soapy water a few times a day and kept their fingers out of their mouths and eyes, they wouldn’t need this toxic crap being sprayed around their house. I clean everything in my house with warm water and Earth Choice dish washing liquid which costs about $2.50. So far I have not contracted Ebola, salmonella, e-coli, syphilis or lost any limbs to germ related infestations!

22 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Germs are good for you. The body needs challenges to learn how to respond. For example my stomach is pretty much bomb proof. Years of eating 5 day old toxic waste from the roadhouses of NW Australia toughened me up. Now if we get a dodgy prawn dish or whatever while my wife will be violently ill I’ll be lucky to get the hiccups. Germs are good.

I want to know which evil genius invented the dispenser you don’t have to touch so you don’t get germs from the disinfectant. F@cking bogans.

22 12 2010
Shirley

I was so angry when I saw the ad for that hands free disinfectant soap dispenser. Angry!

22 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I was outraged, OUTRAGED.

22 12 2010
v'visexxxion

and DISGUSTED

22 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

indignant… and then a bit miffed, hungry, and finally, crofulent.

22 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Disconvovulated.

22 12 2010
v'visexxxion

as well as discombobulated

22 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

That too. Unambiguously.

22 12 2010
v'visexxxion

so angry i could shit.
(sorry)

22 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I was so angry I cut Axl Rose’s nuts off without thinking and then sauted them for breakfast.

22 12 2010
v'visexxxion

True, I have a split personality on the issue. because of work I guess. At home i’m very carefree but I am quite germ obsessed at work. Also on public transport, urggh. I see dirty f#cks sneezing and wiping their hands on the seats and all over the buzzers and hand rails. Makes me feel ill. Also fruit and veg shops, the dirty coonts sneeze, wipe their hands in their hair, clothes etc and then maul all of the fruit, picking out the healthiest looking piece. Cough into you elbows people!
I guess that’s basic hygiene though and not germ obsession.

22 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

right.
basic common sense hygiene.
I can’t say any more than that.

really.

what’s going on?
have I run out of words…

22 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Here Chubs borrow these and make a sentence.

Bogan, elephant, tight, banana. KY jelly, ambulance.

22 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

Bogan, elephant, tight, banana. KY jelly, ambulance.

“Some Bogan with a tight elephant did an ambulance job on all the KY jelly”

see.
nuthin

22 12 2010
v'visexxxion

When the Bogan took the banana flavoured KY Jelly over to to the elephant and commented that it was more tight than his wife, he found he suddenly needed an ambulance.

22 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

V’v – Mr Reliable.

22 12 2010
p'bee

poor kids with hystrionically germphobic parents will never get to know just how tasty dirt and grass can be.

22 12 2010
Shirley

Some of the parents I know/see just go TOO FAR with the germ protection and eradication program. Sure, I’ll wash my kid’s hands if he touches dog shit, and I won’t let him eat it, but I’ve seen parents disinfect toys EVERY TIME they touch the floor.

22 12 2010
SD

That excessive cleaning-sure fire reason for allergies. Not to forget that a new breed of resistant bugs.

As a person who works in surfactants, emulsions and the like I find the ads to be total rubbish – but you all already know that!

Water, alcohol and old fashioned soap often do the trick for domestic cleaning.

22 12 2010
AlyssaKT

I agree – the disinfectant qualities of alcohol are indubitably why I never get sick!

22 12 2010
SD

The BodyCleanse (TM) – involving drinking copious amounts of alcohol!

22 12 2010
v'visexxxion

With Tonic Water.

22 12 2010
James Hunter

wash your “Scotchbrites” and “Wettex”‘s in vodka then put the results through a coffee filter and you have a new cocktail ? Maybe call it “sink syrup”

21 12 2010
James Hunter

Yep,
TBL, please put the poor babies out of their misery ! Chubby/Simon et al really do have a bit of a problem I admit with this Harley bit. However the Harley is a perfect reflection of the mores and attitudes of the Bogan and therefore I beesche you to show mersey.
As always , your kind and obediennt servant
James Hunter aka Baby Hanibal from Circus Bizarre. Believe me with over 350 shows behind me I know what a bogan is and does. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

21 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

oh, don’t get me wrong.
I owned a Harley.
a ’74 Sporty. (that’s 1974 not 74″)
I was 21. It was 1988. It cost me about Five and a half Gs.
I put a mini fatbob tank on it and bobbed the fender. S&S carbie (from a Jammer catalogue no less!) and slash cut shotty pipes. Longhorn bars and highway pegs.
I thought I was King Dick.
in reality it spent most of its life in the shed in bits and I rode an SR500 Single daily. I may have traded it on a 650 Bonnie…
where was I?
oh right.
yes. Fuck Bogans.
they don’t ride bikes.
they just want a Harley.
(except for the bogans who ride bikes, and they wouldn’t be seen dead on a HD, they’re hanging out for the MV Agusta. Jesus, aren’t we all?)
I’d love to build a Knuckle.
and a Jota.

22 12 2010
martin

F#cking Harleys. They give you a headache every time they go by. No doubt that’s half the appeal to the bogan.

22 12 2010
Mick

Poorly designed and engineered yet bogans love ’em because it makes them feel like an outlaw. I’ve always wondered about this. If you’re on the run from the law wouldn’t you be on a bike that can actually outrun the people chasing you?

22 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I’d pick a bike that couldn’t be heard two suburbs away myself.

22 12 2010
James Hunter

Be also good to ride something that did not need a whole workshop crew following in a service truck. Harleys make Alfa Romeos look reliable and that is something otherwise reputed to be impossible.

22 12 2010
Mick

Harley-Davidson..slang for ‘look at the bike in the back of that F100.’

24 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

sure you’re not thinking of Triumph there?

22 12 2010
SD

Bemused by the whole Riewoldt thing. Is it like an only in Australia thing to have this periodic sports scandal which ends with “the girl is a slag”?!

I suppose “gate” can now officially be replaced by “leaks”.

22 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Oh yes, Dickileaks. Honestly, who cares? She’s a troubled teenager who clearly should have been put into placed into foster care 16 years ago, and he’s another redneck nuffer with his bits out. I saw bigger scandals in high school that were more interesting. Must be the slow news time of year.

22 12 2010
Shirley

In this case the girl IS a slag (not that that’s material to the story), the footballers are, as always, cock garages and ‘dickileaks’ can f*ck right off. Cocks with their cocks out. Yawn.

22 12 2010
SD

I heard it called Nickyleaks in mX (hangs head in shame for reading mX).

I forgot TBL has an entry explaining it – #120

22 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Cockgate sounds good.

22 12 2010
James Hunter

free circumcisions ? enter here ?

23 12 2010
GoldCoaster

Ha ha, thanks TBL! With so much boganity everywhere, I knew it was a matter of time before Curtis got an entry.

And that dancing Indians ad??? Things like that just validate the decision I made many months ago to put the TV in the wardrobe (not a maxtreme flat screen; I still have an old CRT. I’ve never worried about upgrading because I simply don’t watch TV anymore. I now have time for things like talking to people).

24 12 2010
Andrew

aaah, Chrisco Hampers… a TBL classic!!

25 12 2010
GoldCoaster

One of my personal favourites!

25 12 2010
James Hunter

hopefully the next target for the ACCC

11 01 2011
GoldCoaster

Maybe they’re working on it now, as they finish wiping out Power Balance bands!!

14 01 2011
Laura

It was Marco Pierre White.

19 01 2011
chubbybloodfart

“the modern Bogan … needs a professional to tell him how to burn his Angus.” chubbybloodfart (19:11:23) :20/12/2010

http://www.taste.com.au/news+features/articles/2333/hot+stuff+a+guide+to+summer+barbies

Q.E.D.

“I like to season the meat before I use it,” Curtis says.
just as an aside, I think Curtis is wrong:
“Season the Pan and Oil the Meat” I don’t know where I heard it and I can’t find any support for it on the web, but I understand seasoning (salting) the meat before it hits the pan draws moisture from it.
works for me. I cook a wicked steak. so fuck off Curtis.

20 11 2012
S

I take offence to Curtis Stone being called handsome. He’s not.

20 11 2012
James Hunter

Yep, Now me, I am handsom. ! !

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