#200 – Shane Warne

6 12 2010

65.5 million years ago, there was a large-scale mass extinction of animal and plant species in a geologically short period of time. The Cretaceous-Tertiary extinction event, as it is known, caused large amounts of coccolithophorids, molluscs, omnivores, insectivores, terrestrial and marine invertebrates, archosaurs and mammal species to be wiped from the face of the earth. The species that survived did so out of luck, hardiness, or the ability to adapt. Even today, there are countless examples of animal species walking the earth that are largely unchanged from prior to the Cretaceous-Tertiary extinction event. They are the survivors, the examples of triumph over the shifting sands of time. They include crocodiles, mosquitoes, and Shane Warne.

Born at the conclusion of the summer to which Bryan Adams refers, Shane Warne grew up in Melbourne during the glory years of the old school bogan. As a teenager in the 1980s, Shane did all of the things that Shane felt Shane needed to be doing. He had a sweet mullet, he was good at cricket, pretty good at footy, and he coveted the VK Commodore. Despite his unwillingness to become fit, his rare cricketing talent propelled him onto the international stage in his early 20s. By then, it was the early 90s, and money was accumulating in his bank account at a swift speed. Sensing a changing of the times, Warne evolved. The mullet was gone, a gold chain appeared, and he signed a lucrative endorsement deal with Nike in 1994, releasing the “Air Flipper” shoe.

Despite the swelling bank account, international fame and sick Nikes, Shane was strangely unfulfilled. His career was devoid of the X-factor, that which would propel him to the dizzying heights of maxtremity, and secure his place as one of the foremost bogans since a mollusc named Trent some 50 million years prior. And then it began. First, some Indian bloke called “John” dangled multiple lakh rupees in exchange for information regarding pitch and weather conditions. Since Shane Warne does not know a damn thing about the frequency of sound, it is expected that he simply told John, “yeah, it’s going to be humid, eh.”  Subsequent to this gem of meteorological forecasting, Shane was charged with bringing the fine game of cricket into disrepute when he hated on portly Sri Lankan captain Arjuna Ranatunga. It is believed that a particularly hot curry that was served as ‘mild’ may have been the impetus behind the angst.

His bogan quotient soaring, Shane Warne intuitively knew that in order to reach terminal velocity and truly rupture the hymen of boganic admiration, he must be involved in a sex scandal. Preferably one with maxtreme pornographic appeal. Like bombarding a British nurse with lewd messages. TBL believes that the content of these messages contained multiple references to spinning on his third leg, which were suffixed with LOL.

His appeal to the bogan rising like a particularly venomous flipper yet to reach the apex of its flight, Warne was caught taking last year’s designer drug shortly before the 2003 World Cup. Unwilling to simply fess up and count his millions for a year, Warne came up with arguably the most piss-weak excuse of all time, claiming his mum gave him a tablet to help with his weight problems. Although the ACB banned him for a year, Warne landed on his feet once again, and Channel Nine came to the rescue by offering Warne a sweet commentary job for the tenure of his suspension. Even better for Warne, Australia won the World Cup anyway, once again proving our complete awesomeness at everything, and giving the bogan the opportunity to engage in another of its favourite pastimes: forgiving celebrities. Strangely, the same logic would not be applied to Sri Lankan off-spinner Muttiah Murilitharan, who despite having his action ruled legal by the ICC, would forever be abused as a “chucker” by the bogan, a cry that would become more vociferous when Muralitharan overtook Warne’s wicket record years later.

Of course, eventually, the ravages of time and scandal led to Warne’s retirement. With more than 700 wickets under his belt, he had achieved enough to allow the bogan to ignore the Sri Lankan’s superior tally to this day. But in retirement, Warne remained an unstoppable force of raw bogan power. After playing and missing for years, he finally managed to middle his marriage, sending it flying over the Paddington end boundary. He then decided that his post-cricket media career should begin in earnest. After nipping, tucking and microdermabrading the fuck out of his face for three weeks, ensured his surgically implanted hair was still in place, then set out to conquer the media world, armed with a fake tattoo sleeve.  Which brought us this:

In which Shane Warne and his face collaborate to ingratiate himself and us to his friends. In week one, about 854,000 bogans watched his new show. One week later, that number was 480,000. Perhaps even Warnie, he who bogans like more than all others, has jumped the bogan shark.


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348 responses

6 12 2010
Tone

Shane Warne is a Thing Shane Warne Likes. Even bogans struggle to like him.

The fact that 1,000,000 of them gave his show a go speaks volumes for how much bogan capital he has to burn, though, Tone. TBL

6 12 2010
Tone

In that case, I’m expecting ‘Trading On Past Glories’ to be entry #201.

(congrats on the Double Century, boys!)

6 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

TBL at least can make a double ton no worries, unlike those those sore losers who call themselves the Australian XI.

What goes ’round, comes ’round for these bad examples of sportsmanship under the helm of Tricky Poontang: ever since the Bourbon & Beefsteak incident around ’98-’99, I thought he was a bit of a cock sandwich, thus proven right over time by how he’s carried himself ever since and how he became a sponsorship slut endorsing myriad products.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Well done boys. Harley’s for 201.

In Breaking news he who was once called The Sheik of Tweak is now

The Earl of Twirl. How cool is that.

6 12 2010
Tone

Really? I thought his new title was The Dork of Talk.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The Tool of Cool.

6 12 2010
Tone

The Bank of Wank.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The Cock of Rock

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

The big fat Kunt.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The C#nt of Punt.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The Dip of Sh*t.

6 12 2010
Tone

The Tzar of Blah.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The Dick of Shtick

6 12 2010
martin

The twat of crap.

6 12 2010
p'bee

the brat of chat

6 12 2010
Werdna

The Ass of Class

6 12 2010
Antosha

The Duke of Puke

7 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

fuck warnie

1 10 2011
Brain Fart

You have such a way with words viv, Wish all the pollies could be as succinct as you. The world would be a better place. Your greatest fan.

6 12 2010
Shirley

I couldn’t reach the remote the other night when Warnie was on and was forced to witness his interview with Danni Minogue. I’ve always wanted to whether Danni prefers boxers or briefs, Bieber or Beatles, so thanks Warnie.

B grade celebs interviewed by a class A cock garage. Welcome to Australian Television.

I got into a lengthy dispute on Twitter with a guy who works on the show. You should have been there.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Can we get a summary Shirl?

6 12 2010
Shirley

This is apparently why Warnie is a great show:

@Shirleymullet no. The idea is Warnie catching up with mates. These seriously red hot celebs with NO time making time to hang with him and chat – to show YOU their real personalities; not just their tv personas/characters

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Coz Warnie is everyone’s mate. I’m down with that.

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

so why was James Packer there?

6 12 2010
p'bee

red hot celebrities = dannii minogue?

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

No time? – why – is she too busy designing another k-mart range?

6 12 2010
Shirley

This is what he said about Danni:

@Shirleymullet celebrity and talent are unrelated. Dannii Minogue is an A Class celebrity if ever I have seen one. Bigger than you can fathom on the world stage.

6 12 2010
p'bee

well he’s right that i can’t fathom how anyone with functioning brain cells would consider dannii minogue an a-class celebrity, be it on the world stage or the end of year concert at the local primary school.

6 12 2010
Tombarina

It’s certainly a concept I can’t fathom. Or stomach.

7 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

that’s just Art.
“celebrity and talent are unrelated”
bring yer money.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Oh, and when did Dani get promoted to the B list?

6 12 2010
Shirley

Funny you mention that. One of the things this guy argued was that Danni was an A grade celebrity. Only if A stands for arse.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

An inverse list perhaps.

1 10 2011
Brain Fart

Seeing another dose of warnie in the media makes me want to fart. From the bottom end not the top end. Phftttttttttttttttttt now that was a smelly one, it’s all warnie’s fault, can’t someone glass him and put us all out of our misery please

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I must question whether it really was a hot curry served as mild?? I thought Warnie took pies and vegemite with him everywhere he went.

6 12 2010
Mick

Baked beans actually.

I wish I didn’t know that.

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I feel so smug for getting that wrong 🙂

6 12 2010
Mick

Yes, carry yourself proudly through the day.

1 10 2011
Brain Fart

Phftttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt better sign out before I put a hole in me undies

7 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

it would solve the age old mystery: “Who ate all the pies?”

6 12 2010
MeAgain

He is King of Bogans. Top of the tree.

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

The Boguefather? – big call, but you may be right.

6 12 2010
Tombarina

True.

Warne is BoB.

The Bogan of Bogans.

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Like Bob in Twin Peaks – terrifying young women in the darkest hours.

16 01 2011
DingoDave

Look there is no doubt about his BOB status. I mean the guy now advertises KFC, what more evidence do you need?

8 12 2010
jacc

Prince Regent of the Bogoisie.

6 12 2010
Tombarina

Warne is a vain, vaccuous, insipid tool with unfortunately-named offspring – the only thing that distinguishes him from Other-Bogans is that SW has maXXXtreme $h!tloads of dollars NOT gained from the mining sector.

Kudos, TBL. However, can’t believe you skipped the bit about him taking sponsorship $$$ from a nicotine patch manufacturer then chasing after kids who snapped him smoking, or the infamous pelvis dance with the stumps.

We have a self-imposed word limit that we had already well exceeded. It speaks volumes that there was no way we could cover Warne’s bogan attributes effectively in fewer than 2,000 words, though. TBL

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Please tell me that “the stumps” is not a differently abled stripper.

6 12 2010
Tone

Rule #34

6 12 2010
Tombarina

Hey, Vivi – whatever floats one’s boat. Who are we to play God?

Although a diff-abled stripper could have difficulty upholding the the “no contact” proviso during lap dances.

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I’m not judging, just concerned for whomever The Stumps may be. There’s only so much one should expect the diff-abled strippers to do. Becomes a human rights issue at a certain point.

6 12 2010
Tombarina

It’s nothing a harness and a hoist can’t resolve.

See? We’re thinkers here!

“TBL: Creating Meaningful Employment Opportunities For Legless Prostitutes Since 2009”

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Hey – The Stumps is not a whore, she’s a dancer!!

6 12 2010
common man

anyone have a spare keyboard?..tomba,rofl!

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

and, having just watched Showgirls again on the weekend, I can clarify the no touch rules with some authority. The Stumps can touch Warnie, but Warnie isn’t allowed to touch The Stumps.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The Stumps – You won’t feel short changed.

6 12 2010
Tombarina

The Stumps: more than just a leg-over.

7 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

The Stumps – Pre Sliced.

(with due acknowledgement to Brett Easton-Ellis.)

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

You do watch some Nuclear grade shite Viv. I like the sex in the pool scene where she carries on like a frog in a blender.

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

The Stumps – she’ll leave you wanting more.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The Stumps – She’s all Heart.

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

The Stumps – No LBW

6 12 2010
Shirley

Hitting The Stumps with your balls: Australia’s favourite past time.

6 12 2010
Tombarina

*reaches for tissues to mop coffee off keyboard*

At least you refrained from references to “long-on” or “deep mid-wicket”.

How’s the wrist?

6 12 2010
Shirley

I did have ‘inside leg’ in there, but took it out on second thoughts.

Wrist is ok, thanks, but the frustration of having a cast is starting to bring me down.

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

What happened to your wrist Shirley?

6 12 2010
Shirley

I cracked a bone in it. Rumour has it while doing some Chilean porn.

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

It is small cage to work in. Hope it heals fast.

6 12 2010
Shirley

Hopefully only a week to go before I’m cast free and back in the cage.

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

You should start leaking to the press Shirl- your return to the cage just before Xmas will no doubt generate headlines:

“Shirley Wont Back Down, She’s Going Back Down”

“Shirley’s Limp Wristed Chilean Tug of Love”

“Shirley sheds her old worn out cast: another 7 dwarves required for Chilean Cage Fight / Erotic Xmas Special”

6 12 2010
Shirley

Against all Odds. The true story of a woman who was told by medical professionals she would never double hand job again.

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

That would be A Sunday evening Special Doco.

6 12 2010
hel

The Stumps: Drive it hard into her Gully.

6 12 2010
hel

The Stumps: Use your Flipper to get down.

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

The Stumps – For a little armless fun

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The Stumps- She will put a shine on your ball.

6 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

With The Stumps, you always win the toss.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The Stumps – She will catch you on the rise.

7 12 2010
p'bee

the stumps will get you to silly mid off.

16 01 2011
DingoDave
6 12 2010
Shirley

Is ‘speaks volumes’ the phrase of the day, TBL? 😉

Probably. It speaks volumes about the inability of our writers to compartmentalise our work and blog lives effectively, Shirley. TBL

6 12 2010
Shirley

Not to worry. Having a book, 200 official posts and many more speaks volumes about your dedication to raising awareness on the bogan scourge.

7 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

Hurrah!

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Does making slogans for amputee strippers “speak volumes” about us?

6 12 2010
p'bee

i think the volumes have been spoken in many other comments long before today.

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I’d like to think that a differently-abled stripper lassie might stumble across this and find some confidence to market her mad bait swinging skillz. It’s a community service we should be proud to offer.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Did you ever see the movie Boxing Helena?

I was also thinking over the weekend that what we hate reveals more than what we love so we should do the other movie list. I shall open the batting.

Beaches – Die you bitch. Cynical, manipulative crapola.
Dirty Dancing – Put baby back in that corner before I glass her. Was ever a female lead less appealing, whinning urgh.
Stars Wars 1 and 2 – George Lucas, step away from the camera
Matrix 2 – Hippy festival, the exposition…….ZZZZZZZZZ.
Spiderman – And to think he once did Evil Dead 1&2. Oh Sam.
The Mummy Returns – Shite
Australia – You could just see Baz would create a monumental f*ckup one day. This is it.
Space Cowboys – Oh Clint, what were you thinking.

I could go on but love to see what everyone else comes up with.

6 12 2010
p'bee

i have a top two that i’m sure no-one will disagree with:

1. george of the jungle – brendan fraser, you are not funny. even as a 12 year old, when i had the misfortune of seeing this, i knew it was beneath me. painfully bad.

2. armageddon – made deep impact look like a cinematic masterpiece in comparison. bruce willis and ben affleck astronauts? we’re all doomed. bruce willis has no facial expression whatsoever and ben affleck overemotes to the point he looks close to exploding. i wanted the asteroid to win.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I forgot Maybe Baby – Ben Elton only has himself to blame. He was making a comedy movie of his comedy book so he took all the funny bits from the book and ditched them, leaving only the sentimental arkward bits. Horrible.

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Worst 5 – that’s tricky because I can usually spot the horror from the trailer so don’t go to see it. And I have a high tolerance for shite.

1. Forrest Dump, I mean Gump – didn’t finish it
2. Twilight – Walked out 30 mins in due to maxxtreme lack of interest
3. Lord of the Rings – the third one – has it finished yet? The film, not the series.
4. Anne of Green Gables – she is a kunt
5. Apollo 13 – urrgghhh.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yes Forrest, maxtremely awfull, and Tom Hanks, sweet jesus take me now. And King Kong sucked lizard balls.

6 12 2010
SD

Oh Viv is it possible that a movie can make me instantly fall out of love with you? Yes, if its Anne of GG!!!

You should have played Ben Pobjie’s drinking game.

http://benpobjie.blogspot.com/

I have to put Original Sin as the worst movie ever made – proof that two hot looking people can have the most unsexy onscreen sex.

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Oh, I’m just stirring SD, Anne is obnoxious though – but probably not worst movie of all time obnoxious…

6 12 2010
p'bee

i remember original sin being reviewed by david and margaret – margaret gave it zero, but david gave it half a star because he didn’t want people to go out of curiosity to see the movie that got no stars. i’ve trusted their judgement and never subjected myself to it.

6 12 2010
SD

For a woman who looks so good, Jolie is weirdly unsexy in too many movies. Lara Croft. Shudder.

I saw part of Original Sin on Nein so no money spent. Margaret have I told you I love you?!

And I might love Viv too a little now for that slight promotion for Anne:-)

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I hate the Jolie. Head like a smashed crab, attitude and spankerism.

6 12 2010
martin

You’d still do her though.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Of course you would. She is a libtard though Martin.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I misread that I thought you said I would still do her.

No way for me, skanky as hell.

6 12 2010
martin

Yeah I know. I’d do her first then reveal my political inclincations.

6 12 2010
MeAgain

Jolie is also way too skinny & junkie looking. Feeding all those kids is taking its toll. Poor Brad.

7 12 2010
SD

Speaking of Twilight, I like how Wuthering Heights was “rebranded” as a book its feeble heroine liked and all the twihards went off to buy it and of course found it nothing like Twilight.

27 01 2011
Kat

Cripes, I hope the author isn’t imagining Edward as a heathcliff?!

8 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

nuclear grade shite v’v.
Nuclear.

I haven’t made the finish of forest gump about four times now.
1. Forest Gump
2. From Dusk to Dawn’
3. Pearl Harbour.
4. Independance Day
5. Citizen Kane.

never made it through any of them.
broken arrow stank too.

6 12 2010
Shirley

Oh I hate so many things I don’t know where to start or finish. A few that immediately spring to mind:

Gladiator
Hannibal
Peter Jackson’s King Kong
A.I.
Eyes Wide Shut

6 12 2010
Shirley

How did I forget Contact? Probably the worst film I’ve ever seen.

6 12 2010
hel

Gigli. JLo and Ben Affleck
Swept Away. Madonna directed by Guy Ritchie

Could not sit through either of them, more painful than delivering an 11 pound baby whilst driving a mini bus in rush hour through central Melbourne and having to negotiate a hook turn, all the while listening to some Bogan from Toorak espousing her own virtues in an attempt to not seem quite so boagn. Two worst films ever.

6 12 2010
hel

I wish I had not made a spelling mistake 😦

7 12 2010
concern troll

Yes Hel, you should be typing “negossiate”

8 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

..and I don’t think “toorak” has a capital T.
never mind.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The reviews warned me off these Hel. You took your life in your hands by attempting them. Surely the Madonna bit should have warned you off, or Affleck, he makes some horrible trash, actually I can’t think of anything good he has ever made.

6 12 2010
SD

Of course Shane Warne: The Movie may yet top them all.

6 12 2010
Pandabater

Shane Warne played by Russel Crowe

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I think perhaps Paul Hogan, Someone said he will look identical in 15 years time but a bit of makeup can speed this up. The wife played by Sophie Monk.

6 12 2010
hel

My friend and I watched them purely because the reviews were so bad, we could not possibly understand how a film could be THAT bad (David was onto something with that half star). they were such awful examples of, not just film making but just EVERYTHING! My friend and I had both just completed Masters Degrees in Film (wasted some time much? haha) and could not understand how anyone, anywhere could have watched that in an edit suite and thought “Yes let’s release this” Unless oey were trying to sabotage careers on purpose, there was some subliminal message hidden within or, and I am thinking this is it, some people really are so full of themselves they think everything they do is amazing. Speaking of which, TBL, can we have a post on Kanye? Bogans either love him or hate to love him or love to hate him but this guy is without a doubt the crack/coke head, short man syndrome poster boy for the international bogues.

6 12 2010
p'bee

his directorial debut, gone baby gone, as actually very good. stars his brother, casey, who, despite sharing the surname, can actually act.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I often muse on that. I guess by that time so much money is sunk into it they just hope to recoup costs and there is always some sucker who will front up in the hope Madonna flashes her tuts or some such. Or like you they can’t believe it is that awful and will give it a go.

6 12 2010
martin

Contact? You mean that sci fi movie with Jodie Foster? One of the best movies I’ve ever seen.

6 12 2010
Shirley

That’s a joke, right?

6 12 2010
martin

No. It’s got a 7.5/10 on imdb.com. Why didn’t you like it?

6 12 2010
Shirley

If I remember correctly I watched for somewhere around eleventy hours to discover the alien was Jodie Foster’s dad or whatever.

6 12 2010
martin

No. The Alien was appearing as her dad so she felt more comfortable.

6 12 2010
SD

Matthew McConaghey: I will clobber and kill and spork whichever channel it is that keeps showing some movie of his with Kate Hudson.

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Doesn’t that have Matthew McConaghey and his stumpy little arms too?

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Did he take his shirt off and chomp on a cigar?

6 12 2010
p'bee

i think it does, as a priest.

6 12 2010
martin

Kubrik is bogan.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Please explain Martin?

6 12 2010
SD

Now you are trolling.

6 12 2010
martin

I thought I’d be profound. I thought 2001 was a boring piece of shit, and A Clockwork Orange was a wank.

So what was it about? That we shouldn’t use capital punishment?

6 12 2010
martin

Ok I take it back The Shining was good.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

If you think Contact was ok then obviously your taste is up your arse, along with Inglorious Basterds.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

A Clockwork Orange was an anti -libtard masterpiece.

6 12 2010
Tombarina

The Shining still rocks.

2001, Clockwork and – lest we forget – Eyes Wide Shut were deep and murky buckets of $h!t.

I’ll spork the next person who starts raving all glassy-eyed about Kubrick’s profound vision. He was a bit of a wanker.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Sporks at dawn.

Eyes wide shut was crap though. But anyone who made Dr Strangelove gets 1 dud allowance.

6 12 2010
SD

Does Shining have Jack Nicholson?

Never could watch any movie of his, way overrated.

6 12 2010
martin

Jack is ok sometimes, like in Wolf and The Pledge, when he is being the greaseball.

6 12 2010
martin

*isn’t*. I’m on 1024 * 768 and can’t see wha Im typing.

6 12 2010
Shirley

Clockwork Orange was brilliant. I have never seen a film so perfectly adapted from a book.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Thankyou Shirl. Your good taste knows no bounds.

6 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Allegedly, Harvey Keitel was meant to be in Eyes Wide Shut, but was edited out due to his fine method acting.

6 12 2010
SD

Shirley, I think Burgess himself was uneasy about the film.

I just remembered the only Kubrick I have seen is Barry Lyndon which must rank as the most leisurely movie I have seen. I think I feel asleep….

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yeh, Burgess wanted more control but that was never going to happen. I think the spirit of the book is well and truly there though.

Barry Lyndon is leisurely but also a pitch black comedy. Just don’t watch it if you feel sleepy. Surely the most beautiful looking film ever made.

6 12 2010
Shirley

I was under the belief that Burgess thought the film should have included the last chapter, but the last chapter was not included in US publications of the book and Kubrick had never read it.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

That was certainly part of it. My belief was he was looking for a more collabrative experience in the script etc but his ideas did not match Kubricks so he came second and was upset by that.

6 12 2010
SD

I haven’t read Clockwork Orange. But I read one of his Malaya novels (very mixed feelings there) and the preface or something mentioned that Burgess thought CO not so great a work and for which he had gotten known simply because of the movie.

Read it long back think this is what it said.

Not that an author’s word on his books is definitive in any way of course.

6 12 2010
SD

Oh I just wikied the book and – ouch – this is what he had to say about the stage version: “According to The Evening Standard, he called the score, written by Bono and the Edge of the rock group U2, neo-wallpaper.”

And on the film: The film made it easy for readers of the book to misunderstand what it was about, and the misunderstanding will pursue me till I die.

Not a happy chap, our Burgess.

6 12 2010
Shirley

Burgess has a reputation for being a bit of a c*nt, actually. He’s very difficult to be around, and generally believes most of what he has written is not very good.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

He has an ego the size of Bono so could not deal with Kubrick, in his opinion, sexing up the violence and making the states role in the movie more ambivalent. And Kubrick was an A grade control freak and probably had fun pushing Burgesses buttons.

6 12 2010
hel

All this talk of Kubrick yet no one has mentioned (or I missed it) the brilliant “Full Metal Jacket” Now THAT was an incredible film! However it loses points for contributing to the phrase, often uttered by drunk bogue males, “This is my rifle this is my gun, this is for fighting this is for fun”. Now “Dr Strangelove”…….. sheer brilliance. Worth watching just for a young James Earl Jones, not to mention the bomb riding sequence, the wonderfully monikered Col. Bat Guano protecting the coke machine, the contamination of “precious bodily fluids”, and my favourite line in cinematic history “You can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!” His later stuff however, yes, way too much wank. SHould have called that one with Tom and Nicole Eyes Wired Shut, only way you could bear sitting through it.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

We could go forever with The Killing, Paths of Glory, Spartacus, Lolita etc I guess. He was a brilliant filmmaker. And sorely missed.

6 12 2010
p'bee

2001 was definitely boring, but the other films of his i’ve seen are all great.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

If we had more Kubricks and less Michael Bays the world would be a far better place. Pearl Harbour anyone?

8 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

!!!
every movie ever made since refrences “A Clockwork Orange”
it’s seminal!

I though the shining was meh.

6 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I agree fully, Shirl. There are few films a frightfully menacing as A Clockwork Orange, Malcolm McDowell’s portrayal of Alex is genuinely disturbing.

Also doesn’t hurt that it was exquisitely shot and the decor is drool-worthy: especially the Karova Milk Bar and the record store.

6 12 2010
Shirley

I love the writer’s house as well.

6 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

And how Alex has a sense of déjà vu upon clambering back, after being turned upon by his erstwhile droogs-turned-cops, to “Home”, a modernist marvel of design and decor.

6 12 2010
1/4 cast Bogue

*looks through recent torrents and others*

There’s been some shockers out recently…

Bitchslap – billed as a funny and inteligent horror comedy, it contains only horror. Oh so much horror.
Scott Pilgrim vs the World – a support actor as lead is lost in this cool-less blur of special fx trying desperately to be hip.
Splice – you sit through the entire movie waiting for the mutant to run amok in town, and she doesn’t. Some nice xenophilia though.
The Last Airbender – millions of dollars of special fx thrown at a megre story portrayed by children who can’t act. Do not engage the brain if you watch this one. It’s riddled with holes.
S Darko – absolutely nothing like the quirky original. The movie makers actually abandon plot 1/2 way through (and admit as much in the special features). Not worth watching on the basis of this though.
Basic Instinct 2 – 50 something Sharon Stone plays a sex kitten. Ugh.
Wall Street Money Never Sleeps – an environmentally conscious Wall St speculator sends the man who killed his pa to prison through business. It has none of the attitude that made the first, and all the BS of some exec somewhere dumbing down business for cinema.
Twilight New Moon – One dimensional guys looking expressionlessly cool and a one dimensional girl looking like a twit. I actually liked the first one, but lasted 7 minutes into this one.
Reign of Assassins/Jonah Hex/The Sorcerer’s Apprentice/Prince of Persia/Clash of the Titans/Robin Hood – all have tonnes of special fx and production thrown at barely adequate actors and or scripts and or direction.

6 12 2010
p'bee

other than scott pilgrim – which i haven’t seen but have heard both positive and negative reviews of – why on earth did you watch any of these?

6 12 2010
1/4 cast Bogue

y’know now I think about it I’m not sure. I gotta do something with my bandwidth I guess.

Maybe it’s the 1/4 cast coming out in me.

7 12 2010
martin

Scott Pilgrim was shit. It probably appeals to geeks because it’s another one of those “geeky loser gets the hot girl” type movies. Not that all of those movies are bad but this one was just over the top.

I can’t think of a single movie that I’d recommend this year. Wall St 2 wasn’t too bad. Actually there’s a movie called “Tony” that I found interesting. 🙂

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1120945/

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I was disappointed by Scott Pilgrim too – over hyped – and I’m not a gamer so i guess the references didn’t seem like a highlight. I did like Kick Ass though – good fun. And I liked The Loved Ones – it had it’s flaws but it was a pretty good local effort .

7 12 2010
1/4 cast Bogue

Oops, where it says ‘Bitchslap’ it should say ‘Doghouse’. Sry all. Don’t watch Bitchslap either btw. All it does is prove that you really can get sick of cleavage.

@ p’bee
Just thinking about it a little and there’s a few reasons: I’m a sucker for a big budget rollercoaster, and also sometimes there’s a little gem in amongst all the rubbish. Also I write the odd review for my blog.

My all time least favourite movie has to be “A Serious Man”. It’s supposed to be a comedy, but the only laugh you’ll get is cynically at the end when you realise you’ve just lost 106 minutes of your life.

One more thing… a topic for TBL: ‘Traumatizing their kids by ignoring film rating classifications’

7 12 2010
Shirley

I loved ‘A Serious Man’.

7 12 2010
1/4 cast Bogue

I bow before someone who has gone beyond the mundane reality of this world to the next to find a plane of reality in which that movie is worthy. Either that or it caused to you withdraw to a ‘happy place’ where you had ticks of nervous laughter.

What did you like about it?

7 12 2010
Shirley

I can see why people don’t like it. It’s very nihilistic. I loved the characters, they felt real to me, and I liked the nihilism of it.

6 12 2010
hel

that, and the fact we can turn anything into pornographic film naming, speaks volumes as to the hither to untapped levels of our own smouldering, latent boganity. Maybe that’s the point of Warnies show, to draw the boganity in all of us out, like one would draw pus from a boil.

8 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

yuk.
I’d rather someone just cut me open and sucked all my boganity out with a mechanical “De-Bogue-O-Matic” debogueifier than watch warnie.

6 12 2010
MeAgain

Even more tragic is the fact his bogan wife took him back, even after he poked all those classy ladies behind her back & gave her god knows how many exotic STD’s. Ah, bogan love.. it is all forgiving.

7 12 2010
GoldCoaster

And it gave her something to get rich over when she sold her story and then her other story and then the getting back together again story to Femme-Bogue Weekly and No Idea.

6 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

@ Tombarina

All must bow to the wit and sheer chutzpah of John Safran, who took a remote-controlled seagull to fly onto the field at the MCG and drop cigarettes in Warne’s vicinity, during the time about a decade ago when he was being sponsored by said nicotine patch sponsor.

He did get hauled over for it, having charges pressed against him, of which were eventually dropped—some beak too must have had a sense of humour.

8 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

I’ve been musing on this for a while now…
f#ck it. Safran gets a sat at my Fantasy Dinner Party.

8 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Same here. Besides you and Edna, I’d also invite Safran as a package deal with Father Bob Maguire: I’ve had the pleasure to meet him on several occasions at his church in South Melbourne; Bob is one of those fellow traveller libtards (he often mocks his proclivities at Mass) who walks the talk, a true Christian in the finest sense.

8 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

I’ve been musing on this for a while now…
f#ck it. Safran gets a seat at my Fantasy Dinner Party.

6 12 2010
Valo

Congratulations on 200 posts chaps. Another nail hit on the head here too.

6 12 2010
Mick

I cannot help but notice that #100 Fev and #200 Warnie are both Melbourne boys.

It’s probably best not to think of this too much but sowewhere there is a girl who would have shagged both of them. Probably curled up in the fetal position now. Rocking. Humming to herself.

6 12 2010
Tombarina

….or boasting about it on Facebook to her 3682 closest friends.

6 12 2010
Lola

…or scoring free JD’s and cokes at the Burvale when she tells her latest frenz about her exploits. Her frenz think it makes her kind of famous, which I guess it does out in the far-east of Melbourne.

6 12 2010
brad

hey dont knock ther Burv a most fertile “pull” palace when i was a youngster and itsthe local watering hole for the good folk of Erinsbourgh-doesnt get much more famous than that!

6 12 2010
martin

She’s probably spewing that she didn’t get to marry them and be one of those WAGs as they say.

I thought Melbourne was supposed to be the classy city. Ha ha.

6 12 2010
Davo from sydney

Melbourne is more bogan than Sydney, but only just: after all, Sydney is the home of teh Shire, in which cashed up bogans (CUBs) denote pride that they have never moved more than about 10 kms from the home where they grew up.

but melbourne gets it (just) because it is far, far, far more tolerant of boganic sporting behaviour than Sydney. This is not to say that Sydney doesn’t have boganic sporting behaviour: but many careers have ended in a way they don’t in Melbourne

But it is a photo finish. (and both cities come well below Newcastle, Geelong, Brisbane, adelaide and Perth)

6 12 2010
martin

The only places that aren’t bogan in Sydney are the north shore and eastern suburbs. But they’re still bogans because of what a bunch of pretentious criminal Liberal party loving rentier capitalist dickheads they are.

I’m too good for this country.

6 12 2010
p'bee

i think by your assessment you’d say you’re too good for everywhere!

6 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Nice surmise re the Easern Suburbs Martin, but way off the mark re the North Shore: they don’t call it the insular peninsular for nothing.

I had this confirmed on numerous visits to Sydney and one particular instance remains burned in my mind: I rode the 136 bus from Manly to Chatswood via Frenchs Forest and Dee Why one weekday afternoon just to have a look at the area from a different perspective. There were some toerag high school boys who were emblematic of the NaB—the hair with far too much product, iPhones, latest Nikes and a complete-and-utter fückoff attitude—were all making quite a scene of themselves about how too-kewl-for-skewl they were and causing some degree of discomfort for their fellow passengers. When the bus driver upbraided them, they thought they’d stick it to da man by backchatting. The driver let the first instance go to the keeper with a verbal warning. Soon enough they were at it again, ever more bellicose this time. By that stage, the driver had enough and ejected them somewhere in Dee Why from the vehicle cussing, much to the relief of me and my fellow patrons.

I thought to myself, “well, after all, I am travelling through the dead heart of the Federal Division of Warringah, which of course is Tony Abbott’s electorate. Which led me to realise that all the other nearby electorates, Mackellar, Berowra, North Sydney, Bradfield and Bennelong, all held by Wiberwal luminaries like Bronwyn Bishop, Philip Ruddock and Joe Hockey respectively and the latter pair formerly by Brendan Nelson and Johnny Bloody Howard himself. All of which led me to the conclusion that the North Shore area must prime fückwit cuntry. And immediately apparent to a mere visitor.

6 12 2010
martin

Sorry Turnips man. That is the Northern Beaches you are talking about. My home turf. Supremely bogan. A bunch of bogans who think they’re a “little bit fancy” because they live near the beach.

Your destination would have been the North Shore, ie Chatswood.

Yeah, heaps of fuckwits up my way. They breed them specifically to be so.

6 12 2010
martin

F#ck moderation. I forgot to edit my f$cks.

Here:

Sorry Turnips man. That is the Northern Beaches you are talking about. My home turf. Supremely bogan. A bunch of bogans who think they’re a “little bit fancy” because they live near the beach.

Your destination would have been the North Shore, ie Chatswood.

Yeah, heaps of f$ckwits up my way. They breed them specifically to be so.

7 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

@ martin

I seem to get Northern Beaches and North Shore mixed up…God forbid that I shouldn’t mind my Ps and Qs with either of their denizens: no doubt they’d clarify me in no uncertain terms of their provenance, and exhibit themselves as first grade philistines in the process. But generally speaking, much of those who reside north of the harbour have that je ne sais quoi about them—the conspicuous consumption, ugly attitudes despite their salubrious environs and, yes, the aforementioned insularity they’re nationally famous for, like not associating with those you’d have to pay the three or four dollar toll required to cross Port Jackson over or under.

As for getting around moderation re letting off F and C bombs, try using an umlaut U, i.e. ü. I don’t know what you’d do on a PC, but when using a Mac, hold down the option key while typing the U key…simple and subtle, yet devastatingly effective!

7 12 2010
martin

On windows you can press alt 0252 for the ü.

We don’t usually like to become close with people over the other side. But I think that’s mainly because it’s a pain in the arse to travel anywhere outside the northern beaches if you live here. If you want to have a few drinks in the city you’re up for $50-$100 for a cab ride home. So we have I think the highest rate of drink driving in Sydney, possibly Australia. It’s not really Sydney it’s more like the Central Coast imo.

So I think Sydney siders have a right to be pissed off a bit, overpopulation has taken a toll. Not to be rude and have no manners though.

8 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

cool!
how do I do french accents on “a” and “e”?

7 12 2010
SD

We briefly lived on the North Shore and I have no idea about its boganity because it was the dullest place ever. Even on a fine day you would not see any one on the streets, just the odd car.

Brisbane people, we visited your city for the first time a few weeks back and I thought it was going to be fully bogan. Instead I was quite charmed 🙂 People actually smile unlike Sydney or Melbourne!!!

7 12 2010
Shirley

I’m pleased to hear it SD!

7 12 2010
SD

West End, the museums, Bulimba, around UQ (lovely campus), the Queenslanders, the jacarandas – ummm- I am a little in love with it truth be told 🙂

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

The heat, the sweat, the rascism, hompohobia, the bigotry endemic as soon as you leave west end, newfarm, or the valley. Proudly the wife beating capital of australia. I don’t miss it for a moment. It’s a great place to visit though – and the good folks when you find them, are very good. And Brisbane younguns takes on alternative living with an enthusiasm quite different to melb and sydney. They truly are stepping away form the mainstream when they do, they have more to lose, take greater risks and really have a good time doing it. I also love that Brisbane has a Lolita subculture now – bless em.

7 12 2010
SD

Brisbane does seem to have a genuinely quirky subculture.

I also note that past and present Queenslanders on these boards are pretty cool too 🙂

7 12 2010
Tombarina

The local bold magpie, Big Boidy, has just marched into my kitchen and is demanding food and attention. His offsider, Little Boidy, a motheaten butcherbird, is up on the table where I’m writing.
Tonight, we’ll throw something easy on the BBQ, have a couple of glasses of cheap’n’cheerful, and maybe go for a swim.
It’ll be lovely in the backyard, then – althought it’s been raining for the past week, the jacarandas and frangis are in full bloom and the evening air is thick and heavy with the fragrance, and steamy as hell.
We live in one of the areas you mentioned, SD, and while there’s a lot of Brisbane – and a hell of a lot of Australia, actually – that’s ignorant and intolerant, there’s also a lot to like, particularly inner-city.
I wouldn’t live anywhere else.

7 12 2010
Mick

Tombarina, I hear you.

My sister lives at Sherwood and I love spending time down there with the big old house and yard and parks and stuff.

It’s wonderful to go there.

7 12 2010
SD

Tombarina, that sounds idyllic.

7 12 2010
Tombarina

The birds help – there’s something very relaxing about native wildlife making themselves at home in the heart of the city.

The lorikeets come first thing in the morning for the palm nuts, grevilleas and melaluecas; Big and Little Boidy turn up whenever they spot someone at home; and a pair of kookaburras come in for a feed a few times a week. The kookas live in the huge old poinciana next door.

A rather thick native dove, which stubbornly refuses to learn from past failures, has just built its umpteenth rickety nest in the big lillypilly next to the front steps.

At night, the barn owl who lives in the Moreton Bay fig in our backyard comes out to hunt.

Love it.

6 12 2010
p'bee

the northern beaches do have their own particularly virulent strain of bogan. that’s why the rest of sydney avoids them.

6 12 2010
MeAgain

Sydney: full of beer guzzling bogans. No culture at all.
Melbourne is much, much classier.

7 12 2010
p'bee

melbourne thinks it is classier.

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

My house is.

6 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Melbourne perhaps has the absolute polarities of Australian society and culture, whereby at one glorious end you have the art, music, theatre, literature, design and academic scenes at the cutting edge, as well as being the home city of antibogan icons such as John Safran, TISM/ROOT!, Shaun Micalef, Judith Lucy, Tony Martin and the fine folks of TBL.

On the other hand…geez. Where do I start? Today’s millstone…er, milestone B. Rex, Shane Warne, the centenarian Fevola, as well as Eddie Fücking Everywhere McGuire, Jeff Kennett, Ted Ballieu (proves once again that (some) Vics are pricks, just like most Sandgropers are sh¡theads), Sam Newman and the whole cast of The Footy Show, the whole AFL culture, Melbourne Cup Day, the especially pervasive nature of the pokies over there, Daryl Somers and Hey! Hey!, Mick Molloy (oh, what a fall from grace!), Peter Helliar, John Farnham, Bert Newton, all those factory outlets near Essendon Airport, Fountain Gate Shopping Centre (along with Kath & Kim, especially when co-opted by Seven), Chadstone Mall (The Fashion Capital? Pffft!)…add more on, it’s not that hard. To either list.

8 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

Adelaide is classiest.
More adelaidies on these boards than any other capital I’ll wager.

btw, adelaide’s class floats on a massive undercurrent of bogans and subs, so don’t bother pointing that out. we know it. and we treat them very well.
that’s why we’re so classy.

6 12 2010
Simon of South Yarra

I wish to take issue with the Muralitharan v Warne wicket take count – if Australia had played the minnows as much as Sri Lanka then Warne’s total would have been far higher.

Fair point, Simon. But at the same time, bogans tend to not lavish attention on quicks (Waqar Younis, for example), who are stuck on subcontinental flat tracks and don’t get to bowl at the WACA every year, and instead we glorify Tommo and Lillee. TBL

7 12 2010
Andrew

Maybe so TBL, but never forget the positive effect of a bottle cap on one side of an already scuffed Kookaburra to induce some lethal reverse swing that negated any run-scoring roads. Waqar and Akram were masters of both arts

6 12 2010
martin

I think he’s quite self effacing. The maxtreeme bogan is not. So I think he deserves *some* non bogan points.

6 12 2010
Tombarina

Dunno Marty.

I see where you’re coming from, but I’m unconvinced his self-effacement is voluntary.

I think he’s simply too dumb to live, let alone keep up with the conversation; thereby explaining the incidents of Warnie grinning vacantly while people take the p!ss.

6 12 2010
martin

So do non bogan traits have to be voluntary to be considered non-bogan? I guess so.

What about bogan traits?

Hmm sounds a bit too involved for a Monday.

6 12 2010
Tombarina

I think so.

The Things What Bogans Like are all elective – choosing to name your kids Mahdysssynn and D’Kohtah; getting a generically distinctive tribal tatt; behaving like an asshat on a Jetstar flight to Phuket; spending more than you earn on 36-month-interest-free crap and then bitching about how refugees are ‘tekking our jerbs’.

People choose to be bogans. Or not.

7 12 2010
GoldCoaster

Yeah so we shouldn’t feel sorry for them. We are all responsible for making choices in life. On the other hand, some kids are raised that way and don’t know any better. And then they are too unreflective to think outside the square when they’re old enough to choose their own TV shows and make their own money.

8 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

word up Sistas!

6 12 2010
Mitch

Say what you will, I still would love him bowling in Adelaide this morning.

6 12 2010
Shirley

Me too Mitch. Warnie is a tosser of the finest order in two senses of the term.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I do miss Warnie bowling. The dude was a dead set genius. I believe has has a reasonable degree of self-awareness about his boganity and how to use it for filthy lucre.

6 12 2010
Pendant

The final frame of that ad clip sums up the preceding footage perfectly. (for those who didn’t catch it, pause the video and scroll right to the end)

6 12 2010
Nelson Esq

Can anyone answer this? Is Channel Nein turning Warne into the next ‘Eddie Everywhere McGuire? It’s bad enough that you can’t turn on the TV without seeing his ugly head on ads for hair or McFatty burgers and commentating the cricket, but he also pops up on a variety of other shows, such as Top Gear Australia and now he’s hosting that horrible self titled bogue fest. What else has Nein got in store for us; freaking ‘Backyard Blitz’ where Warnie turns someones back yard into a cricket pitch or ‘Getaway’ where Warnie bends Natalie Gruzlewski over in the spa at his favourite holiday retreat, which would be best avoided from then on due to huge Bogue infestation…and because the spa requires disinfecting.

You know, the only thing that would ruin Christmas this year would be Warne’s head showing up on Carols by Candlelight….or would you need the candlelight with Warne’s orange glow and flouro white teeth?

6 12 2010
p'bee

i think carols by candlelight is already bogan to the maxxx so any further boganification is probably moot.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

There is an entry to come, Carols in the Domain with Uncle Ray, Human Nature and now Warnie as he is top shelf Nein. I just hope Stumps gets a gig too. That is a bogue fest of unparralelled maxtremity.

6 12 2010
Mick

Warnie will do the special little greeting that goes to the boys serving overseas at Xmas…’cause Warnie knows what it is like to go into ‘battle’ for your country.

6 12 2010
Tombarina

Jesus, Mick. You’re right.

How did we not see that coming?

6 12 2010
Tombarina

In a word, “yep”.

But I hold grave fears that the reality is even more grim than the horrible future you’ve painted.

I believe Nein may be plotting a pincer movement – Warne + Wilkins.

I base this fear on last night’s channel surfing when, in disbelief, I stumbled upon a Christmas cooking special with celebrity chef Luke Mangan and Host Dickie.

Host Dickie was making thoughful enquiries about the ingredients and consistency of a glaze. I was moved to make thoughtful enquiries of an emigration agent.

6 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Oh, all that bottle-blonde hair!

And that unearthly radiant glow à la Club Chernobyl (thanks for that reference from DC Root’s lyric in “Orange People”).

That’d be waaay too much…the plasmas of bogan households throughout Australia would go into meltdown, which is just as well.

Actually, maybe not such a grand scenario, for that’ll give them the justification to get a newer, bigger plasma IN 3D!!! on 42 months interest-free from Hardly Normal.

8 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

Warnie’s not smart enough to be Eddie.
Face it, Eddie is a clever mutherfocker.

oh and he’s also an Arse Hat.
I’d hate to think anyone thought I was defending him

6 12 2010
The Observer

Bowled TBL

*Adopts Ian Healy voice*

6 12 2010
Lisa M

I must admit it was most gratifying to witness Warnie’s attempt to hide his confusion when Sting said he’d like to be Tolstoy for a day.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Sting puts Bono to shame in terms of being a spanker.

6 12 2010
Tombarina

True, dat.

Remember when he plugged his head irretrievably up his own arse, and released “I Hope The Russians Love Their Children Too” at the height of the Cold War?

I was praying for the bomb to fall. Preferably on Sting and his ginormous aura of self-righteousness.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I always loved how he crapped on about having Tantric sex for 6 hours at a time. This is not possible. Really! Except maybe for Tunnel Kunt.

6 12 2010
Shirley

Of course it’s possible!

6 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Anything is possible with a little topical local unaesthetic, an adequate supply of lubricant and some imagination

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Nah, no way.

6 12 2010
Hardly Ed

Bahahahaha! Unaesthetic = Sting, that is either subtle genius or accidental brilliance. Either way it is…wait for it….GOLD!

6 12 2010
chris

Sweet Jesus. Judging by the pic on the right, give him another 10-15 years and he’s gonna be a dead ringer for Hoges.

6 12 2010
hel

I was channel scanning the other night and stumbled across Mr Warne, I paused in the way that you do when you see a bad car accident, you know you shouldn’t but just have to watch, well immediately I discovered he was banging on about McDonalds Chicken Nuggets…………………. we got the full low down on ingrediants etc then he began to tell us how, for one hour only this Saturday between 11am and midday, or while stocks lasted, we could get them FREE at McDonalds. I was so confused, I didn’t want to hang around any longer in this septic tank of boganity to find out if a: He had shot a McDonalds commercial that happened to air during his show (shot on the set of the show and with him wearing a suit) b: He really liked the nuggets and was just plugging them anyway or c: (which I fear is the answer but I cannot bear the thought that anyone, anywhere, with that much money, needs to whore themselves to this degree) that he was being paid to plug the nuggets during his show. Richard Wilkins is now the penultimate bogan, because no one, anywhere, could possibly be as gauche, uncouth, overly spray tanned, botox tightened and full of their own sense of self importance than Shane Warne. If the fate of mankind came down to me having to have sex with Shane Warne, well good game humanity we had some fun but it’s all over….. clean bowled.

6 12 2010
Tone

The ‘penultimate bogan’? You mean there’s one more out there whose boganity outshines that of Warnie?

6 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

No, Wilkins is second only to Warnie at the top of the bogan totem pole, is what is being said, which is the natural order of things in that sphere.

6 12 2010
Tombarina

Sam Newman & Russell Crowe. In fact, I’d put Kiwi Russ at the top of the heap, because he truly believes he’s an intellectual giant and that he’s doing we plebs a favour by sharing his pomes’n’music’n’shit with us.

He hasn’t done anything remotely interesting since Romper Stomper.

6 12 2010
Mick

Bill Hunter would give them all a touch-up. While drinking a VB and talking to Jack Thompson on the phone…a landline of course. Because mobiles are for poncy little pillowbiters.

6 12 2010
chris

Bill Hunter is a fookin legend and I will glass any Knut who says otherwise. I sat next to him at a pub once, he chucked a bit of a spazz because they served him before us. “That’s not good enough…. these people were here before us.. what’s going on…” etc etc.
Best delivery of a one-line swear in Oz cinema as well, IMHO. Ricky and Pete: “Listen, shithead….” No-one can say that like BH.

7 12 2010
Nelson Esq

“Deirdre Chambers! What a co-incidence!”

8 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

Newman gets my vote.
and a Bona Fide Moron into the bargain.
I would pay to watch him beaten to death.
preferably by fat black women.
gay women.
beaten
what a monster tool.
actually, sam newman erases any disparaging remarks ever made by anyone against the Sacred Art of Rugby League.
League has yet to generate a fool of the stature of sam newman.
or probably even Fev, for that matter…

11 12 2010
XXX

I love this clip of Russsell Crowe. He is trying so hard to get noticed and also looking like he doesn’t give a toss at the same time. Problem is, no one really does give a toss:

11 12 2010
v'visexxxion

He looks like Comic Book Guy out of the Simpsons

11 12 2010
Pandabater

“Worst…….bogan…….ever,
I repeat,….”

6 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

congratulations TBL.
the boofheads at #100 and #200 make a beautiful symmetry.

6 12 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Congratulations TBL!
I predict #300 to be Brynne ‘Hambeast’ Edelstone.
Just to give the girls a chance.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

She’s a girl?

7 12 2010
chris

Nope. Edelstone stuck her together in his lab using bits left over from Warwick Capper. “She’s alliiiveee….” (manic laughter) “ALLIIIVVEEEE”…

7 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

🙂

6 12 2010
Andrew

Shane Warne with the fake hair, fake teeth, fake tan and, no doubt, the contractually-obliged Channel 9 face-lift (as tried and tested by Sam Newman among others) – what a sight to behold!

6 12 2010
Pandabater

Lewd messages?
British Nurse?
LOL?
We haven’t heard from someone today.
Bad memories?
Surely not!

6 12 2010
pablo

As I gaze over to the ‘shit shelf’ in my office, I lovingly look at the white ‘Messages on Hold’ cricket ball with the faded, but legible Warnie autograph; a memento of my second encounter with the man.

For my first, I go back to the winter of 2004 when the beloved Shane was still on hiatus, thanks to the ACB….

I left a buck’s party early one night because the final venue was Kittens on Glenhuntly Rd (boganly preceded by Paintballing, BBQ and beers @ The Wheelers Hill Hotel). It was still relatively early for a Saturday night, so I decided to jump out of the cab just before home head to a ‘local’ for a quiet one before heading home.

My choice of ‘local’ happened to be the ground level wine bar bit of the George (not the Snake pit) on Fitzroy St, St Kilda and although I thought I’d experienced enough Bogan for one day/night (and probably week/month/year), guess who was playing door bitch and selecting who could and who couldn’t come in?

You guessed it.

Now I don’t know why I was let in, because a group of lads were rejected, followed by a group of girls who were duly ushered through… your typical selection process and no doubt Warnie was sizing them up to see who he could chase around with an inflatable penis later on.

I (partly dishevelled thanks to paintballing, a BBQ, copious pots and witnessing dirty ho-mutton dressed as spam @ Kittens (now understanding the irony in its name) was just standing there, contemplating whether I should just go home until God himself spoke directly to me:

“Are you by yourself mate? Come on in and get yourself a drink!”

I couldn’t say no, could I?

As it turned out, I quickly necked my $14.00 G&T and fucked off out of there as the crowd was mainly St Kilda players; who very, very boisterous after a close win (although Milney wasn’t allegedly raping anyone at that juncture of the evening) + Eddie + assorted ex-footballers-cum-footy commentator folk. It was like one big boozy edition of the Footy Show.

True story…

6 12 2010
Tone

Cool story bro.

7 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

should have glassed the cunt.

6 12 2010
hel

I lied Simon, I just wanted to see if Madonna flashed her tuts.

6 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Good girl, who wouldn’t.

6 12 2010
spewy

I watched part of the first show at my sisters place and she actually thought there was something wrong with her TV because of how orange his skin and how white his teeth were. She started adjusting the contrast before I told her that it was probably real.

6 12 2010
MeAgain

Yes, I also noticed the liquid paper teeth & oompah loompa skin. Not a good look, but maybe attractive in bogan circles?

7 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Warnie would be retina-searing to the point of needing to furnish oneself with a welder’s mask should he have a blacklight shone upon him, like they use in nightclubs and banks.

Under such ultraviolet illumination (assuming your eyes are suitably protected), one would observe that he is both an original counterfeit and a counterfeit original, such is the combined force of his boganity and beauty treatments.

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Shirl has a black light for her work. As a semen detective. So we can try this out and also see how much cock he has sucked!

7 12 2010
p'bee

i forgot about shirley’s detective job.

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

She must have been frantic lately with schoolies week and with her Chilean Porn related injuries I’ve no doubt she will need a good rest soon. Perhaps in the new year after she gets back in the cage.

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I hope she has not blown her globe.

7 12 2010
Mick

Her black light overloaded while investigating Sting’s house.

A spanker makes enough mess but a tantric one? Well, use your imagination…

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I have a tear in my eye for Shirley. Imagine, being alone in the dark, trapped in Sting’s house, no black light to find a safe path out… Every sticky footstep leading into the unknown. Poor Semen Detective Shirley Mullett. She shouldn’t have been sent in there! I’m outraged. She was happy on the Schoolies beat, spot checking young trollops for semen stains.

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I hope Bono was not on a visit. It would just be spooge as far as the black light can see.

7 12 2010
Mick

The Two Spankers Of The Apocolypse.

8 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Shirley would shine the blacklight, only to discover “MAKE POVERTY HISTORY” scrawled on the wall in both spanker’s spunk.

What would become of Detective Mullett in light of these events? Will she survive this orgy of wankerism? Will the UV light blow out upon the shimmering reflections of the glistening pearls of Bono wisdom? Will she flee to a cage to seek blessed sanctuary?

Keep posted after these messages by Shane Warne, flogging his log, as well as flogging other sh¡te…

7 12 2010
p'bee

i’ll have to come up with a great new outfit for her return. can’t have our semen detective wearing any old thing.

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Perhaps a nice trench coat made from contaminated waste bags? A nice little tool belt for her black light, swabs, gloves and handcuffs would be useful. And a trilby hat, something she can tuck her hair back into, she doesn’t want to accidentally collect samples in her hair.

7 12 2010
p'bee

some snazzy utility belt will definitely be there. is shirley’s black light modelled on the doctor’s sonic screwdriver? i sure hope so. in terms of colour scheme, i’m thinking of making electric blue prominent.

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Good idea re the blacklight/sonic screwdriver motif. I was thinking she may need a back up head light too – for when she has to get right in to the tricky places. Maybe a Tron style suit would be sharp – you can see one here:

7 12 2010
p'bee

the glowing strips are pretty good, i will include something like that. i was thinking of maybe doing inspector gadget meets 60s mod meets futuristic. how that workds, i’m not really sure.

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I like the sound of that – esp the Inspector Gadget influences. And hell, everybody loves a mod! I wonder if Shirley will trouble herself to wear a Barbara Feldon hairdo on our account?

7 12 2010
p'bee

she definitely should – who could resist a barbara feldon hairdo?

7 12 2010
Shirley

I see a short trenchcoat with knee high socks. Happy to do the Feldon style, but I’m blonde. I hope that won’t be a problem.

7 12 2010
7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

There is a fine line between sperm detective and sperm trap Simon. Shirley needs something good and moral to balance her chilean porn career. Perhaps if you added a Judge Judy lace collar??

7 12 2010
p'bee

judge judy collar? i don’t know that it would fit the overall aesthetic.

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Only on that tawdry slutty number from Dr Who that Simon was suggesting.

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Amy is as pure and innocent as the driven snow. How dare you doubt her character.

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

And Shirl can pull it off!

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Don’t get me wrong, I like the gal! I just think a Semen Detective of Shirley’s standing has to set an example. Unless you are thinking of that outfit as her undercover disguise for Schoolies week?

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

You’re slipping Viv. We are talking about semen detectives and I feed you a line like pull it off and you miss it. Cmon.

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I’m ashamed. I didn’t see it, what’s making me blind?

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

James Hunter would not have missed that opportunity.

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Shirley M detects
Bono and Sting do their thing
Semen covered room

7 12 2010
Mick

Amy will be glad
When Mick and Simon defend
Her reputation

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Amy may reward
her valiant defenders
with a quick #124?

7 12 2010
Mick

Jealous is Warnie
When Amy gives her reward
To Simon and Mick

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Vivi gets nothing
coz her doubted Amys rep
Mick and Simon grin

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Surplus r.

7 12 2010
Pandabater

New porno movie
Amy, Doctor & Daleks
Simon & Mick buy

7 12 2010
Mick

New porno movie
Amy, Doctors & Daleks
Simon & Mick star

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

you can have Amy
for your sad little wank fest
New Dr is Mine

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Darlek porno flick
They cry out INSEMINATE
Mick and Simon help

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

New Doctor is hot
Viv lurkes by the Tardis
hopes his screwdriver works

7 12 2010
Shirley

New Doctor for Viv,
slutty Amy for the boys
David Tennant’s MINE.

7 12 2010
Pandabater

Farkin funny boys
Panabater wet himself
But not from porno

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Doctor Who porno
Panda tries golden shower
Darlek rusty now

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Sorry Shirley but
David is also for V’iv
Jon Pertwee is Shirley’s

7 12 2010
SD

Not a haiku but:

Amy is Simon/Mick’s Aimee
A new doctor for Viv
An old one for Shirl
(insert syringe joke here)
But new Sherlock is all mine.

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

SD – I may have appeared a little greedy with the drs, but i do also insist upon a roster for new Sherlock.

7 12 2010
Mick

Mick be so happy.
New lady also has thing
For Amy, what class

7 12 2010
SD

Viv I will loan him once we have done the horizontal tango – which is waaaay longer than Sting’s tantric stuff.

Amuse yourself with the Drs Who and Watson until then.

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Viv appears greedy
Careful what you wish for dude
Black light soon appears

7 12 2010
Pandabater

Not always happy
at the end of a long day
Cleaning your own fur

7 12 2010
Shirley

You’ll hurt the new doc’s
feelings Viv. Asking for a
second opinion.

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Pandabater – a family like this might ease the pain of lonliness
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3262575/Panda-keepers-grin-and-bear-it.html?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Shirl, the new doctor
Will just have to understand
thats the way V’iv rolls

7 12 2010
p'bee

i miss out on everything. not fair.

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

P’bee tries a film role
Doctors, darleks lube and stuff
A new star is born

8 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Like a certain cretin Aussie actress with Harvey Keitel.

7 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

P’bee stars in film
Doctors, lube, darleks and that
A new star is born

7 12 2010
p'bee

thanks simon. it’s nice to be included.

8 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

what the fuck are you nerds on about?

8 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

We are writing haunts about who we would root in Dr Who. How dare you call us nerds.

Um….er….nevermind

8 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

*haikus*

7 12 2010
Stephanie

Apparently (and I shudder at the thought) ole Shane-o has been a late nomination to the Logies (Boguies) as ‘Most Popular Presenter’. This is despite being on TV for 2 weeks and having his ratings drop by half. OMG what are these nob-jockey’s thinking of?

7 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

bet he still garners a respectable slice of the votage.

7 12 2010
p'bee

it is the logies.

7 12 2010
GoldCoaster

Well done, TBL! The ultimate Bogan of Bogans who makes even Bogans look good. Love it!

Unfortunately, cricket will never again be a gentleman’s sport…

8 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

As they old saying goes, “Rugby Union is a thug’s sport played by gentlemen, whereas Cricket is gentleman’s game played by thugs”.

QED the Australian XI since Tubby Taylor’s captaincy, or even back in Waugh! Woe, woe, woe, what is he good for?’s era.

8 12 2010
GoldCoaster

Good saying. I’ll subscribe to your idea on sport.

7 12 2010
Mick

I bet this bloke watches Warnie.

http://www.perthnow.com.au/business/mining-life-rife-with-violence-study/story-e6frg2r3-1225966306122

Jonno the Man Posted at 11:35 AM Today
I been workin fifo for yonks.I got a hot ute a full fridge of booze,now saving for a full back tattoo.Life dont get much better.The odd fight happens but its all a bit of a laugh.You people need to lighten up ,this is the real world.

7 12 2010
p'bee

and we should all listen to him because he lives in the real world. i live in a pixie cave. so much more fun than the real world.

7 12 2010
Mick

Actually, I’m starting to think this one is taking the piss. Surely nobody is that much of a bogan.

Although, some I do work with are like this. Dammit, now I’m confused.

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I think its real – i’ve recently been looking up all of the alpha males who peaked during the years I was at my high school and most of them have a facebook profile with 4 pictures – 1 of them in a fluoro vest next to a big truck, one of their ute, one of a big fish they caught and one of the 3 kids taken on whilst on home leave. It’s hilarious.

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

And even though they are married, most are facebook friends with the scrubbers they lost their virginity to. Said scrubbers peaked shortly after the high school fashion club folded for the year, dropped out a few brats and began eating up their feelings.

7 12 2010
Mick

I went to high school in Toowoomba. Whenever I see how the girls I lusted after turned out, I let out a little sigh of relief.
And v’iv, please leave Amy alone. She deserves better just for being alive.

7 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Mick, it seems the situation in Toowoomba hasn’t improved.

http://www.thechronicle.com.au/story/2010/12/01/man-marrys-dog-city-first-toowoomba/

7 12 2010
Mick

This lad has done well for himself when you consider the alternative in the garden city.

Swamp-donkey or proud canine? I think I would make the same decision/

7 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

our recent research suggests heavily all the smart and pretty people leave the Bush ASAPracticable.
The remainder have umm…
Great Personalities.
really

7 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

I’m with you.
I don’t know if I like it,
I don’t know if I get it.
It must be Art. Which makes it good.
I reckon.

7 12 2010
Victoria

You should have made mention of Warnie’s bogan ex wife Simone. Or is she his wife again?

7 12 2010
Michael

Hi TBL, thanks for 200 highly amusing and highly accurate posts.
True, there is sooo much material on Shane Keith Warne.
If you wished you could afford him a series of posts, including one about the most blatant bogan bribe since “stop the boats”
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/special-reports/junction-oval-in-st-kilda-to-be-renamed-the-shane-warne-oval/story-fn5kmqy2-1225952484685

7 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

Andrew Gaze.
Number One Least Likely Retired Athlete Celebrity Schill to be caught huffing plant food off a dead hooker.
Onya Gazey!

7 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

where wilko leads
warne celebrity machine
new polymer found.

11 12 2010
SD

Good Lord, Shane and sprog seem to be spruiking their clothing line in India

http://www.outlookindia.com/glitterati.aspx?10695

12 12 2010
MeAgain

I can’t believe he didn’t spell his son’s name JAXXXSON.

12 12 2010
Davo from Bunbury

Warnie’s ploughing Liz Hurley’s wicket.

I wonder if he has rooted anyone under the age of 40, that isn’t married and doesn’t have kids.

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/shane-warne-embroiled-in-affair-with-liz-hurley/story-e6frf7jo-1225969711046

18 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

I called this. (Well, back when I was a mere corporate lawyer cum lingerie model).

While I would like to jump up and down and start claiming how great I am, it gives me no joy to do so (Although I’ll do it anyway).

You see, growing up with an Indian father in the whitest enclave of Sydney (although I firmly believe the Northern Beaches have stolen the Shire’s crown of Most Bogan Area Of Sydney), cricket was not an option. I would either play or be ostracised from both my friends and family.

However, I was never going to be the next Sachin Tendulkar or Ricky Ponting on account of the fact that I was scared of getting hit by the cricket ball. And given my physical limitations, pace bowling was never an option. Neither was keeping due to the fear of getting hit thing.

That left spin, and I was a natural wrist spinner.

Naturally, I took a certain S.K. Warne as my youthful hero. I would watch him bowling, then go into the backyard and practice my own flipper and wrong’un until my mum yelled at me to come inside. I even attempted to dye my charcoal coloured hair blonde with disasterous results (which earned me another tongue-lashing from my darling mum).

Even today, I have a Shane Warne pinup hanging in my flat. However, I will not watch his show. That’s too far into boganity for me.

5 01 2011
16 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx and Self-Titled Assistant Glasser at Arms

Mick, having just noticed that I’m quite tempted to glass you.

But since Simon told me not to glass the regulars I’ll have to settle for a plasticking.

5 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Warnie’s show has been axed.

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/television/shane-warnes-show-declared-a-wrong-un-by-channel-9/story-e6frfmyi-1225982165875

I feel happy about this. Hopefully he can focus on commentary and developing some of our young spinners instead of bogan stuff and I can go back to idolising him.

8 01 2011
Andrew

That’s fine, I’m not worried.

He’ll be back soon enough in some revamped version of the same thing. Next time probably with Dave Hughes.

These modern day champions.. always finding new ways to stay on TV.

1 02 2016
Mark

Warne is the Uber bogan if you togged him out in an Armani suit it would still look like he bought it at mensland, having an uncluttered mind has surely helped him to play cricket!! wade through his deepest thoughts and you wouldn’t get you ankles wet. A true bogan talent

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