In the past at this veritable almanac of bogan news and analysis, we have repeatedly touched on the fact that the bogan is intent on losing weight and/or getting buff. Its obsession with the outward appearance of health is one of the overarching themes of boganity, driven, in part, by the fact that bogans see celebrities who also portray themselves as the very embodiment of well-being. The bogan will briefly hit the gym, attend Zumba classes, engage in myriad fad diets, then buy a Wii Fit, before doing its back in and admiring plus-sized models while putting away a half dozen max-glazed Krispy Kremes.
What we have only scratched the surface of, however, is the bogan’s motives for doing these things. What has been uncovered after months of diligent research is that the bogan’s love of the appearance of health has a pronounced seasonal factor that has previously gone unidentified. Come September, the bogan stands, mournfully staring at the mirror, clutching the folds of its ready-for-winter-famine belly that has formed since March. While this is normal behaviour for the femme bogue, the male bogan will only conduct this ritual in its private, quiet introspective moments, which tend to occur with the same frequency as the vernal equinox.
In that moment, as the weather warms, the bogan needs to get ripped for summer. It can see that it’s what the celebrities do, after they carefully time their pregnancies to avoid the dreaded beach-bulge. As the bogan stares at itself in its brightly lit bathroom, under heat lamps, it begins to envision its future; strutting the sands all weekend, bronzed a deep natural brown, hair sun kissed with natural blonde highlights, rippling musculature on display for all to see and marvel at. But before this happens, the bogan needs to find a way to stack on significant amounts of muscle, whilst reducing its body fat by ten to fifteen percentage points. In three weeks or less.
The average Hollywood actor, when asked to transition from a corpulent Mafia boss to a buff CIA agent in only three weeks, would verbally abuse their agent for making such a ridiculous suggestion, and then throw a phone at the concierge. And rightfully so. But the bogan believes its abilities are so phenomenal, and its strength of resolve so strong, that it can smash through the wall of human limitations that elite athletes have been chipping away at for years. It should come as no surprise when the bogan hits precisely that wall, one and a half to two days into its new health kick.
After leaving no stone unturned in briefly attempting all the latest fad exercise and diet regimes, and losing patience waiting for the summer sun to emerge, what actually emerges on the first beach day only roughly approximates the bogan’s earlier vision: the bogan is spotted waddling across the sand, skin a deep fluorescent orange, hair bleached a retina-scorching white, flanks jiggling hypnotically for all to see.