#198 – Losing Weight for Summer

1 12 2010

In the past at this veritable almanac of bogan news and analysis, we have repeatedly touched on the fact that the bogan is intent on losing weight and/or getting buff. Its obsession with the outward appearance of health is one of the overarching themes of boganity, driven, in part, by the fact that bogans see celebrities who also portray themselves as the very embodiment of well-being. The bogan will briefly hit the gym, attend Zumba classes, engage in myriad fad diets, then buy a Wii Fit, before doing its back in and admiring plus-sized models while putting away a half dozen max-glazed Krispy Kremes.

What we have only scratched the surface of, however, is the bogan’s motives for doing these things. What has been uncovered after months of diligent research is that the bogan’s love of the appearance of health has a pronounced seasonal factor that has previously gone unidentified. Come September, the bogan stands, mournfully staring at the mirror, clutching the folds of its ready-for-winter-famine belly that has formed since March. While this is normal behaviour for the femme bogue, the male bogan will only conduct this ritual in its private, quiet introspective moments, which tend to occur with the same frequency as the vernal equinox.

In that moment, as the weather warms, the bogan needs to get ripped for summer. It can see that it’s what the celebrities do, after they carefully time their pregnancies to avoid the dreaded beach-bulge. As the bogan stares at itself in its brightly lit bathroom, under heat lamps, it begins to envision its future; strutting the sands all weekend, bronzed a deep natural brown, hair sun kissed with natural blonde highlights, rippling musculature on display for all to see and marvel at. But before this happens, the bogan needs to find a way to stack on significant amounts of muscle, whilst reducing its body fat by ten to fifteen percentage points. In three weeks or less.

The average Hollywood actor, when asked to transition from a corpulent Mafia boss to a buff CIA agent in only three weeks, would verbally abuse their agent for making such a ridiculous suggestion, and then throw a phone at the concierge. And rightfully so. But the bogan believes its abilities are so phenomenal, and its strength of resolve so strong, that it can smash through the wall of human limitations that elite athletes have been chipping away at for years. It should come as no surprise when the bogan hits precisely that wall, one and a half to two days into its new health kick.

After leaving no stone unturned in briefly attempting all the latest fad exercise and diet regimes, and losing patience waiting for the summer sun to emerge, what actually emerges on the first beach day only roughly approximates the bogan’s earlier vision: the bogan is spotted waddling across the sand, skin a deep fluorescent orange, hair bleached a retina-scorching white, flanks jiggling hypnotically for all to see.


Actions

Information

199 responses

1 12 2010
Shirley

I think you missed a prime opportunity to denigrate diet shakes. Celebrity Slim I think is especially bogan.

1 12 2010
Tone

There were probably another 3 or 4 previous TBL entries that could’ve been referenced, in addition to the 8 referenced in today’s post. Then we would have ended up with a maxtreme ‘clip show’ type entry. Bogans LOVE clip shows.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I love that their first celebrity was the fatty booted off the first series of Biggest Loser in the second week. She was at my local price line doing autographs and promotions a few years back.

1 12 2010
Shirley

And she was still fat when she did the ads! They must be doing better now. They’ve got Ricki-Lee!

1 12 2010
caracal1788

Agree fully. Could have been so much better, TBL. Even the first hit on a Google search for ‘weight-loss vitamins’ brings up:
– Thermotrim Max
– Xenadrine RFA-X Hardcore Strength
– Xtreme Cuts 750
– Fat Blaster MAX Superstrength
– Slim Me Super Citrimax

Every bogan knows that you don’t need diet or exercise. Just one of these with each Big Mac. And because they’re sold without prescription, they almost certainly work.

2 12 2010
GoldCoaster

Notice how all the names have “X” in them somewhere? LOL!

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Lol, Shirl got Firsties.

1 12 2010
Shirley

I’m a winner!

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yes you are. You go champ.

1 12 2010
sarah

i’m going to combine 2 bogan favourites: getting buff for the beach & getting back to my pre-baby weight. Only thing stopping me is the baby hasn’t been born yet. Knew i should of booked in for the elective cesaer. Damn!

1 12 2010
StKildaGirl

I thought most bogan women were saving up for liposuction? They are far too lazy to work up a sweat & would rather have the fat sucked out. Quick & easy,
no exercise or diet shakes required.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

If I were stupid, i’d opt for Fat Zap – their web site is hilarious. Under the heading
“What is Fat?”

“Fat is what prevents us from looking and feeling our best”

Oh, i thought it was eating shit and not getting off my lazy a$$, thank god these scientists have found a way to zap away my self esteem related lard.
Only 12 sessions at $150 – $250 a pop. I hope my fat has a high water content, because it works best on watery fat. ?????

1 12 2010
Shirley

How does it work, Viv? And if your fat isn’t watery, what is it?

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Sound blasts will zap your lard away – which may, only may, leave burn marks on your skin, which WILL quickly heal.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

and not just any sound – Ultrasonic Sounds.

1 12 2010
Shirley

The burn marks probably don’t show up on orange, so it’s a moot point, really.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

very true Shirley- have a look at these before and afters – the orange does cover a multitude of embarrassments.

http://www.fatzap.com.au/?page_id=4

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Below is Marilyn M’s testimonial

“I am delighted with the results I achieved after FatZap treatments. My friends and family comment on how good I look and how much weight I have lost. I have in fact not lost weight but it looks that way thanks to FatZap. I do not hesitate to recommend the treatment to anyone and found the staff always pleasant and helpful.” Marilyn M.

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

And all of these people exercise and eat healthily and still can’t lose weight. They try all the pills and lotions. One ladies stomach muscles had “relaxed and gathered weight”.

Maybe they are playing P!nk to the fat ultrasonically. That would freak it out.

1 12 2010
Shirley

I’m pretty sure there is absolutely no difference in the first comparison, they’ve just taken the after photo a bit lower than the first, showing more leg in an attempt to trick us into believing the bottom is ‘lifted’.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I think the psychadelic knickers being sucked into that vortex of despair is a cunning attempt at distracting me from seeing the lack of any change.
And a cash in on the popularity of Dee-Lite’s – “Groove is in the Ar$e” with the boganista set.

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Them’s some seriously distressed knickers.

1 12 2010
StKildaGirl

FatZap: The fat bogans excuse to eat crap & permanently park the flabby arse on the couch.
Ps: the woman in the pics above seems to have a gunt. Does FatZap also remove gunts?

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

If Fat Zap doesn’t work, by next summer she’ll need a chainsaw.

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

New business idea.

Guntaway.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

slogan “GuntBGone”

What is a Gunt?

A Gunt is what prevents us from looking and feeling our best.

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

A gunt is a mysterious growth that appears all on its own, won’t be budged by pills, lotion, diet or exersise. Here at Guntaway our revoloutionary ultrasonic chainsaw will leave you saying “gunt today, GuntBgone tomorrow.

Six easy payments of $99.95, no responsability taken for any scaring that may occour as a result of the procedure.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Testimonial time:

After 12 Guntaway treatments, I noticed my Gunt had backed down – My boyfriend calls it a G-Runt now. The staff were real helpful and friendly when assisting me take my wallet out of my back pockets at the end of each session and I soon got used to the smell of burning flesh. Now it stimulates my appetite! The complimentary tanning after each session helped disguise the incidental bruising and sutures. Thank you Guntaway and your patented GuntBGone technology.

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Meet our friendly staff

1 12 2010
StKildaGirl

My gunt has shrunk so much, I found my long lost vagina! Thanks Guntaway!

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Guntaway, reuniting ladies and their vaginas since 1983.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

“Now I don’t need to piss on my boyfriend to help him find it! ” Thanks Gunataway.
Tammy M.

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

My Gluten intolerence is so much better since my boyfriend stopped rolling me in flour to find the wet spot. Guntaway is my best friend.

Crystall X

(I do apologise)

1 12 2010
Nelson Esq

Guntaway, my doctor told me that he will need to break my unborn babies arms! Can you please help me!

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/national/rising-rate-of-obese-mothers-forces-doctors-to-break-babies-bones-for-safe-delivery/story-e6frf7l6-1225962996004

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

While we usually prefer to perform our patented GuntBGone procedures on children over the age of 6, we would consider radically reducing your fetus’ size so you can avoid the hassle of having to lose weight or be inconvenienced by surgeons snapping fetal limbs inside of you. As this procedure is experimental, you will need to sign away your rights and accept any collateral damage that may occur to your gunt or your fat a$$ed fetus.
Although the fees are slightly higher than usual, we will offer a complimentary tanning session.

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I’ve given the Scum a comment on that topic but it is unlikely to be published. I have a 100% strike rate so far for non publication. Luckily TBL are not so discerning.

3 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yep, continue my 100% record of non-publication. Apparently suggesting the mums take care of their own health and that of their unborn is not considered helpful.

1 12 2010
Shirley

Completely off topic, but I am so very looking forward to the Oprah post.

1 12 2010
Tone

You reckon that Oprah might be the subject of TBL’s 200th?

1 12 2010
Shirley

She sure should be.

1 12 2010
SD

I caught the last bit of some special yesterday on TV. Shudder.

I don’t get Oprah.

1 12 2010
Shirley

I’d like to shove all her drivelly (is that a word?) book club books up her stupid arse.

1 12 2010
SD

Her audience scares me. As do people who buy the drivelly books.

1 12 2010
Shirley

I remember during my student days being very stoned and watching an Oprah book club on the Celestine Prophecy. I had just finished reading it on the recommendation of a friend who said that it was truly enlightening and life changing. Of course, it wasn’t, but Oprah said virtually the same things as the girl who recommended it. From that moment on I despised her. See kids? Drugs aren’t always bad.

1 12 2010
SD

Celestine Prophecy-I don’t speak to people who tried to thrust it on me.

1 12 2010
StKildaGirl

Notice how 99.9 % of the audience are female? Makes me embarassed to be one actually..

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I used to love watching her in the early 90’s when she was still doing the shows on cousin f#ckers, incest daddies, devil worshippers, 20 ways you might die this week etc. Then she turned in Oprah, middle America’s favourite black woman.

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Oprahs minge greets you.

1 12 2010
martin

I wouldn’t mind going on her show just in case she gives everyone a car.

1 12 2010
Tone

Oprah should change her name to ‘Oreo’.

1 12 2010
StKildaGirl

If FatZap really worked, Oprah wouldn’t be such an obese whale.

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Oh nasty. I like it. The bogan knows it is ok to fluctuate because Oprah does. Mostly up. Waddle is a good word.

1 12 2010
SD

Hey don’t knock them whales.

1 12 2010
StKildaGirl

When Oprah farts
The walls shake
Oprah’s hungry
Give her some cake!

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Oprah Winfrey, she is fat
Krispy Kremes and all of that
If she sit on you you’re sunk
Underneath all that gunt
Enormous undies stretch and splat!

1 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

A beautiful seasonal reference TBL.
In spite of it’s already carotene hue, the bogan will then spend as much of the summer months as it can in pursuit of melanin, despoiling the non bogan’s quiet enjoyment of summery places and voraciously indulging in getting Fat for Winter before repeating the cycle next year…

1 12 2010
CoffeeSnob

Ah! I knew there was a reason why the gym was more crowed.

Full of guys with nice flabby gut in their tight singlets doing endless bicep curls with the skinny legs. Then top it off with a “maxxx cutting agent” to help rip through the flab (mainly caffeine and a few other dodgy things thrown in). Not to mention the motivational verbal slogans akin to what would be heard in a maternity ward “Push, push, push, all you mate, all you, push!!”

I have no issues with this except when they do biceps curls in my fxxxing squat rack.

I look forward to seeing them for about 3 months. Then wait for next summer.

1 12 2010
Fiona of Carlton

I used to attend a Fitness First that had the slogan “A healthy mind starts with a fit body” plastered on the wall.

I always found it amusing as there were lots of fully sick fully pumped boys but they were thick as pigshit.

1 12 2010
CoffeeSnob

Well they couldn’t put up “Mens sana in corpore sano” as too many would be enquiring as to why their sandwiches now sound like a corporation.

1 12 2010
StKildaGirl

Yep, the gym is definitely more crowded. Many more sweaty, grunting guys with toothpick legs & big guns. At least it gives me a laugh.

2 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I must be an upside-down bogan, if not an antibogan: I have a powerful set of pins and broad across the beam, but a narrow-gauge set of guns!

3 12 2010
Mick

The gym I go to in WA is in two parts, one for weights and one for cardio. The sign-on sheet for the weights side has names like Bull and Donkey-Strangler. The cardio people use their first names. Sooks.

The weights side is full of big guns but legs like pipe cleaners. The cardio side is full of greyhounds except for those with big guns and big guts with pipe cleaner legs. They’re there on doctors orders. To get on the treadmill, lose weight and improve their fitness.

In their defence, the guy running the gym is huge on top but has legs like a flamingo. Who lets these people train others?

16 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx and Self-Titled Assistant Glasser at Arms

Same here, BoT – I have the lower body of a prop and the upper body of a 12 year old girl. No amount of #9 works for me there.

1 12 2010
RobertL

CoffeeSnob – don’t forget that there will be a big influx in the first couple of weeks of January, due to all those New Year’s resolutions.

Then a big drop off in numbers.

20 12 2010
Vik

there is a weekly routine for bogans at my gym….after a weekend filled with popping pills and drinking their own weight in Corona, the diets always start on Monday with a chest and arms session and after a mammoth 15 minute workout they each swallow about 85 pills of Animal Stak suppliments….Tuesday they will do back and shoulders and by Wednesday it is all over for the week….i suspect the remainder of their week is taken up by bookings at Hold Fast Tattoos, watching MMA with other bogans and adding more modifications to their pathetic Maloo utes….

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I’m not fat I’m just big boned.

1 12 2010
martin

Me too I’m not fat, I’m tough and I’ve got presence.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I have inflammation.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

which makes me lovely to cuddle.

1 12 2010
martin

I’m entitled to the extra space.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

yes, you pay your taxes!

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I have a slow metabolism and f*ck the airlines wanting me to buy 2 seats. They should just put a skinny f*cker next to me.

1 12 2010
martin

Yeah. Those fashion labels are evil for not making size 28 dresses and size 68 trousers.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

We need a plus size super hero – look it’s Blubberella!!

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I wondered what happened to Casey Donovan.

1 12 2010
Tone

Last I heard, she was looking to start up a hair metal band with the name ‘Gunts & Roses’.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Tell me is it all GnR or they will cover Unskinny Bop too?

1 12 2010
Tone

V’vv, you’re spot on.

According to a leaked track list, ‘Unskinny Bop’ will be Track 2 on Gunts & Roses’ debut album, right after ‘Hungry Town’. I dunno how they’re going to rock that one up, but I’m guessing if anyone can do Big Pig any justice, it’s Casey.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I hope they cover Hungry Like The Wolf too.

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Fat Bottomed Girls would be worthy.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

and Do They Know It’s Christmas

1 12 2010
Pandabater

You Tone are a motherfcking genius.

*Coffee Geyser*

1 12 2010
p'bee

some girls are bigger than others

1 12 2010
Whistling Nixie

I heard she was to be playing Mr Stay-Puft in a remake of ‘Ghostbusters’

1 12 2010
AlyssaKT

haha – “what did you do?!!”

and shortly thereafter;

“it smells like burnt dog! oh… sorry about your girlfriend”

2 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Also up for consideration could be a token Aussie song by OSB faves, The Angels, with “Eat City”.

2 12 2010
Meg

She’s been up to quite a lot – acting, performing, recording. She’s off to London in March with the musical ‘The Sapphires’ a role for which she won ‘best supporting actress’ at the Daegu Musical Theatre Festival.

Her new website
http://caseydonovan.com/

1 12 2010
Shirley

I’m buxom. Like Marilyn Monroe. NOT like Casey Donovan (although the word has been used to describe them both).

1 12 2010
chris

It’s a glandular problem. Saliva glands mostly.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Stop eating them.

1 12 2010
chris

Nah, they’re low-GI. It’s what you top them with is the problem.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I’m still trying to source some that are gluten free myself.

1 12 2010
chris

Ok, bait taken. Coeliacs… a TBL or not?

1 12 2010
chris

ooops #93. My bad.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Is it spurious coeliacs or do you really sh!t your pants at the site of a weetbix? That is the question

1 12 2010
chris

Or is little Taeayyyhhhh going into anaphylactic shock when someone thinks about opening a Snickers bar 50 metres away or is she just tripping out on the monster can of V she had for brekky?

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Does Braedeen really have adhd,or did he just inherit his fathers assholism and mothers gullibility?

1 12 2010
AlyssaKT

I’m swollen from my spurious allergic reaction to La Porchetta’s last night – those cunts must have given me wholemeal pasta in my carbonaaara!

3 12 2010
chris

Colour me bogue, but I can’t handle wholemeal pasta; then again I never sampled the delights at La Porchetta. Sadly the one at my local bogan centre of the universe is no more.

3 12 2010
AlyssaKT

Interesting… Yes, I will colour you bogue…!

I was running a sausage sizzle fundraiser at Bunnings for a charity and we ran out of white bread. When a customer was offered wholemeal she opted to wait for the white bread to arrive, as she was “allergic to wholemeal” – if that wasn’t the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard then perhaps what you just said was.
😉

p.s. I wouldn’t step foot into La Porchetta

3 12 2010
chris

The digestive system handles it just fine, I don’t like it much, is all. Sausage sizzle at Bunnings… the hardest thing with that gig would be to resist slipping into bad Attenborough mode… “here we have the bogan, with its young….” etc etc

3 12 2010
AlyssaKT

Ha – shoeless with grubby faces…

Yes, the most frequently entertaining part is the people complaining we charge $2.50. No kidding it’s not “worth” $2.50, it’s a charity fundraiser fucktard.

And the people who order “2 sausage sizzles” – eejits.

3 12 2010
chris

Bejaysus. $2.50 for a freshly-cooked snag and some onions is a rip-off, but $10 for a pile of deep-fried, salt-encrusted upsized crap from McDonalds or KFC is exxtreme value.

1 12 2010
Nelson Esq

It’s gout for me!

2 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

See? I’m big boned too…get a tape measure and see the circumference of my wrists. Wait, no need for a tape, let me demonstrate by wrapping my thumb and forefinger around…look, nowhere near touching! Big boned!

1 12 2010
martin

The bogan will spend all summer crusing around in a $100 pair of thongs, walking at a very slow-mid ranged pace, acting like it owns the world, concerned that it looks unconcerned, giving off an air that is a cool beach person and has a large cash flow from 5 investment properties.

1 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

I read with interest the “Punch” article.
Notwithstanding that it seemed to be principally a teaser for the author’s GQ article, it did bring to mind…

Things Bogans Like

#803 – Missing the Point

1 12 2010
AlyssaKT

I’ve enjoyed reading the comments this morning, CBF! As usual, the typical ignorant statements are being made, with no comprehension of what this site is about at all.
I thought I recognised a few “in-the-know” types from here too 😉

1 12 2010
SD

http://jezebel.com/5702751/celebrity-rehab-sneak-peek

Celebrity Rehab, dear god how low can TeeVee go?

Expect an anaemic aussie version of dross.

1 12 2010
GoldCoaster

I wonder if TBL will do a post on the femme-bogan’s love of clothes that are too small? Hey, if she can squeeze all that excess fleshage into a size 10, then she’s a size 8, not a sausage bursting out of a cheerio skin…

1 12 2010
AlyssaKT

And VPL! Don’t they realise that their underwear won’t cut into their sides if they just buy their underwear in a larger size? No one knows what size you’re wearing! Eejits

1 12 2010
GoldCoaster

At the risk of sounding ignorant, I must quietly ask, what is VPL?

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Visible Panty Line.

1 12 2010
AlyssaKT

I did wonder if I should add the definition in brackets but thought the rest of my statement made it self-explanatory… 😉

1 12 2010
GoldCoaster

Ah, it’s ok. I’m new to TBL so it’s to be expected.

1 12 2010
AlyssaKT

It’s not a TBL thing… but we’ll forgive you, just this once…

2 12 2010
GoldCoaster

Thanks!! My mind must have short-circuited or something. I blame my job.

2 12 2010
GoldCoaster

Thanks…my mind went walkabout because I’m at work.

3 12 2010
XXX

Just had the misfortune to attend hubbys annual Christmas Party at a beautiful Winery in outer eastern Melbourne. One of the bogan guests in her mid – late 50’s decided to squeeze her size 16 body into a size 12 leopard print mini dress complete with leg tatts and mega high heeled black patent shoes. Hair was long orange blond eletrocuted perm (you get the picture). At one stage she bent over…………..

3 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

*Dutch Wink*

1 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

@ Alyssa.
ha!
The Punch feels a bit like the TBL summer house this morning.

TBL deserve kudos for sparking a brand new meme.
“bogans” are everywhere

(and yes, I have no idea what a Meme is)

1 12 2010
AlyssaKT

and yet you’re spot on!

1 12 2010
Timyka(you probably consider my name bogue)

While TBL is very entertaining and I eagerly await a new post, I think I look forward to reading all of your witty comments more.

1 12 2010
Tombarina

I used to work with a Boganicus Regina who had a picture of Elle MacPherson stuck to her wall as an inspiration.

Elle would look down in sun-kissed disbelief while BR hoovered M&Ms and shovelled burgers down her gaping maw.

When Elle-on-the-wall failed to have the desired result, BR stuck The Body to the fridge. She’d have been better off lashing a pack of rabid dogs to it.

When, incredibly, Elle-on-the-fridge didn’t work, BR got a loan and had lipo. For six long months, we had updates on her weirdly corrugated post-surgical bits. Then, when unmitigated cr@p consumption and a complete absence of exercise overcame the fruit of her financial labours, she got another loan to sue the surgeon because her weird corrugated bits were fat again.

Legal action failed, BR declared bankruptcy, and last I heard, is an Uberchunky Monkey.

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Beautifully written Tomba!

1 12 2010
Tombarina

*mwah*

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I love a happy ending Tomba.

1 12 2010
Tombarina

Me too. I had an excellent case of schadenfreude over that one.

Apart from everything else, she was an lazy cow who made horrid hawking noises in the back of her throat on the rare occasions she actually worked.

1 12 2010
StKildaGirl

Ugh! Sounds like a pig I worked with for a year. She had the biggest builders cleavage in this town & the bin under her desk was always full of empty Coke cans.. Every time I turned my head I was greeted with her big fat metre long crack, hanging out the top of her pants. I’m still emotionally scarred.

1 12 2010
spewy

I currently work with a fat, lazy Russian bastard who also makes a horrible noise in his throat regularly throughout the day. He also talks very loudly in Russian on the phone glued to his ear. How does one actually go postal?

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

I think some kind of semi-automatic weapon and an all consuming hatred for mankind is required. Similar to a performing Guntaway / GuntBGone procedure.

1 12 2010
spewy

Thanks for the tips Viv, will seach e-bay for automatic weapons or perhaps ask the russian if he can get any.

2 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Or otherwise best ask Sten, our resident armaments expert.

20 12 2010
Vik

To go mad postal:

Step 1 – Purchase a Tec-9 or snub nose uzi
Step 2 – Aim at knee caps
Step 3 – Unload

1 12 2010
Louise

Don’t forget that the average male bogan only works his biceps at the gym because he only cares about his outward appearance and not about his overall strength.

We shall never forget. https://thingsboganslike.wordpress.com/2009/10/26/9-getting-huge/ TBL

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

In breaking news News .com.au has done a study into attitudes to gay marriage and come up with shocking findings. Lucky they are around or we would never have realised this.

“THE outer suburbs of major cities are where Australians are most hostile to the idea of gay marriage, an exclusive study has found.
Analysis by news.com.au shows suburban fringes of cities around the country – home to swing voters and the key political battlegrounds in elections – are hotbeds of opposition to marriage equality.

Voters in metropolitan areas tend to be more supportive, with opposition growing as seats move beyond the city fringes.

The area most opposed to changing the marriage law is Maranoa, based in southwest Queensland. In that seat, 56 per cent say marriage should stay between a man and a woman.”

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Yes, in my experience, i have found that most of the hotbeds of child abuse and incest lay claim to traditional values the loudest. By laying the vitriol on the gays, they avoid anyone noticing their cousin f#cking , daughter molesting, wife beating traditions.

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

So you’re saying there is a bit of hypocracy out there in the burb’s?

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

It’s the drug of the nation….

2 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

…As much fence-sitting is the national sport.

2 12 2010
Walt

Check this for an inspired piece of bogantry from that article’s comments. When I’m marched up against the wall for treason, I want this legal brain in there defending me:

Julie of Mt Druitt, NSW Posted at 3:29 PM December 01, 2010
“God invented (created) marriage. He added rules to it, one rule being that marriage is between a man and a woman. Under copyright law you cannot just take someones creation and change it to suite yourself without the creator’s permission. God is alive and His work is protected by copyright law at least yet there are so many who couldn’t care less about His view on the matter or His rights as the creator of marriage.If people of the same sex want to have a legal union then call it something else. They can use their own creative abilities and then they can set their own rules to it just like our Creator set rules to one of His creations, marriage.”

3 12 2010
chris

I love how these guys get all uppity about what they perceive to be the ill treatment of women in Islam. Try getting thru the KJV Bible; not exactly a womens’ rights manifesto either.
@viv 1/12: When Hack first started I remember listening to someone who gave stats supporting your opinion; the worst areas in the country for domestic violence, incest, under-age rape etc seemed to neatly overlap the eastern-seaboard bible belt. Happy to be proven wrong, but I definitely heard that.

3 12 2010
AlyssaKT

I love how she can captitalise for God but can’t spell suit. And that she’d from Mt Druitt.

3 12 2010
AlyssaKT

she’s* – damn it! (to hell!)

1 12 2010
Tombarina

The Maranoa is the safest National Party seat in Australia and also holds the record for recording the strongest “no” vote to the republican referendum.

You get dumber just flying over it.

In the late 80s, it also (albeit relatively briefly) held the record for the most homicides-per-capita in Australia.

If I had to live there among all the tweed jackets and God-bothering and busted-@rse cockies, I’d go postal too.

1 12 2010
Sarah

I must say, that comment was a little strong. Being from Maranoa I can understand why one would pressume certain things about that electorate, but I have to admit my feelings are a little hurt that you would choose to generalise like that.

Then again I don’t actually live there anymore and am currently residing in close proximity to a city centre so my point is probably moot

2 12 2010
Tombarina

I lived there for nearly 15 years – I’m presuming nothing.

I’ve endured God-knows-how-many discussions about bludging queue-jumpers and blackfellas, conversations which then segued seamlessly to how hard the cockies are doing it and how drought subsidies and petrol subsidies and education subsidies and electricity subsidies, etc simply aren’t enough.

There are some awesome people out west, but the prevailing mindset is very Old Testament/conservative.

2 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Come out to the outer suburban electorates in any mainland capital and you’ll unearth a torrent of torrid troglodyte talk and opinions, most of which are rooted in wilful ignorance, which the denizens of said districts will bleat balefully “is from rool loife, the skool of hard knocks, ay”.

They respond well to the conservatives, because they’re more than prepared to polish the knobs of these marginal humans in marginal electorates on the metropolitan margins, and tell them they’re now having a good time, lubing them up via confirming their prejudices, all the while transmitting the pox of deregulation and privatisation unawares in the delirious state of the reaffirmed bogans during the orgiastic and orgasmic throes of red-hot rednecked frenzied copulation.

Ugggh. Not a pleasant image conjured, mixing dogwhistle politics with erotic literature…better take a cold shower and a brief one at that, chanting repeatedly “I’m a libtard and I’m proud, but I must save water, Om”.

3 12 2010
AlyssaKT

you ruined it with the libtard bit ;p

4 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

But I needed to sluice off the filth of the splattered issue of these outer-suburban cock sandwiches.

That’s my method, it works for me!

1 12 2010
brad

The same type of bogan sheep who voted in the Liberals last Saturday in the glassin state.Just out of interest Simon,did they do a study into the attitudes of gay marriage amongst different ethnic groups?

3 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

No Brad, I’ve not seen a study on that! Anyone else? Would be interesting.

3 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Most polls don’t query ethnicity, as they are considering all of the randomly selected respondents as Australian. It would be interesting to see if an ethnic migrant group’s opinions would still reflect the current values of the cultures they came from? For example large parts of South America, Spain, Portugal and other catholic strongholds have legalised and supported gay marriage – would their migrants living here share these newer values or cling to the past?

3 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

There seems to be a pretty quick uptake of the love it or leave it ethos, this may apply to other values but I really don’t know.

3 12 2010
SD

Its generational I think.

A fair few older immigrants are anti gay. They don’t even get to the marriage bit.

Their children not at all and everyone I know is supportive of gay marriage no matter their political persuasion.

3 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Good point SD. I have just finished reading Black Like Me, written in 1959 about a white guy who turns himself black and moves to the deep south to see how he is treated (interesting idea and well meaning at least). Even though you can’t compare apples to oranges or race to sexuality, the prevailing behaviours and attitudes of a “majority” group faced with social change are remarkably similar. Hopefully we are seeing a new generation come through at last who don’t feel threatened by the stereotypes and myths created and perpetuated by older generations.

3 12 2010
SD

Yes I am hopeful of it too. Also if the olds disapprove, we take great pleasure in pointing out mythological tales of Gods getting it on which always silences them!

I should check out Black Like Me. I know people treat it spearately but at its heart human prejudice and small mindedness is always the same, whether its race, sexuality or gender.

3 12 2010
v'visexxxion

It was written by John Howard Griffin – its a great piece of social history.

3 12 2010
AlyssaKT

John Safran did it too in Race Relations
http://www.johnsafran.com/

4 12 2010
brad

i just raised this point because from my bubble anti gay marriage/homophic attitudes is the norm amongst peoples from certain communities,the average outer suburban bogue dont give two hoots about these issues,nuclear power plants are a much bigger issue.

4 12 2010
AlyssaKT

so what do gays who want to marry think about nuclear power plants?

1 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

speaking of surgery for summer Tomba…
maybe some pics of male bogue Pec, Calf and Bicep implants could up the schadenfreude quotient this morning…

1 12 2010
Pandabater

I have a particular distaste for the celebribogue banging on about their struggle to lose weight with only their nutritionist, personal trainer, sports psychologist & sponsorship to help them. Help me Xenu.

1 12 2010
SD

hey guys good to see your haikus on Viv’s blog!

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Yes, now write some goddamn stories people.

1 12 2010
jed

wikileaks nearly has to hit this list. every bogan in the country thinks the release of some irrelevant cables – which were probably leaked on purpose – is sticking it to the man and they’re now empowered by freedom fighters.

1 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

haiku?
stories?
I can do that!
where is viv’s blog?

chubbybloodfart live from Denmark!
No, not that denmark sillies!
the one in W.A.
ho ho ho
we were just musing that we didn’t see many Tea Rooms in the northern territory.
why would that be?

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

Chubby – click on my name and it will take you there. Write something, email it to me, there is an email address on the site for you to use. I will put it up on the site. Don’t delay.

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Chubs, are you going to Esperance? It has the most beautiful coastline in the world. I spent 4 years of my childhood there. Wonderful place, plenty of old school bogans then, all with Sandmans and mullets.

Click on Vivs name or use this address

http://vivisexxxion.wordpress.com/

Will be right up your alley for a longer expression.

1 12 2010
Pandabater

Yes
Yes
Good
Click on his name
Too hot, beer is better

1 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

an wealth of replies.
gracias.
Viv, how rude or illegal can they be?
Simon, yes. It is beautiful, I was there years ago and I can’t remember many prettier places in Australia. and I’ve now officially been all the way ’round it.
Panda,
cool
cool
sweet
ok
aaahh…

1 12 2010
v'visexxxion

You know how high my moral standards are Chubby! – go to town.

1 12 2010
1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Well hung bear

1 12 2010
p'bee

i missed a lot today…

1 12 2010
SD

And you were missed.

1 12 2010
p'bee

i feel all warm and gooey.

better lose weight for summer then.

2 12 2010
p'bee

off-topic but bogan to the maxxx – the harbour bridge is going to be an advertising whore for oprah: http://www.heraldsun.com.au/entertainment/confidential/oprahs-big-o-will-adorn-the-sydney-harbour-bridge/story-e6frf96o-1225964463525

2 12 2010
AlyssaKT

well that is just weird… but the advertising is priceless!

2 12 2010
p'bee

advertising what though – how far the nsw government and tourism australia are willing to go to make this country prostitute itself to the celebrity bandwagon?

2 12 2010
SD

Its not just going to be the Big O (snicker), this website says the city is temporarily in for an “Oprah House”. Which genius thought of that?

http://www.travelweekly.com.au/news/oprah-winfrey-and-the-o-effect-on-australian-touri

I am curious about OW’s audience, surely by now it has to be middle aged women with nothing else to do except go to Rieu concerts set. Are they so influential?

2 12 2010
p'bee

they aren’t influential, but they have money. and we must bow down to the might and glory of the us dollar.

2 12 2010
SD

I Judging by the article her fan base seems to be shrinking in the US and increasing in the Middle East. Did Australia realise it was in for an increase in tourists – in burqas?!!!

2 12 2010
AlyssaKT

Considering the US dollar exchange rate right now, it’s probably not great timing for advertising to yanks.
BUT the effect will be global – and certainly a $3m campaign spent any other way wouldn’t generate as much interest. How much did they (we) pay for Lara Bungle’s “Where the Bloody Hell Are You?” bomb? Ten times that, plus! I bet.

2 12 2010
p'bee

i’m certain it will create a bigger return than the $3 million cost. i just hate the sychophantic fawning going on around it.

2 12 2010
AlyssaKT

C’est la vie…

2 12 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Anyone remember DAAS with their song about Oprah Winfrey?

“Oprah, you are the Gross National Product!”

2 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

why didn’t they put a giant turd on the bridge for Bono?

2 12 2010
Pandabater

Oprah points and stares
Bono yaks but we don’t care
Take your cash and ‘koff

2 12 2010
Phil

yes, off subject but, in today’s courier mail there is an article about a tattoo shop in Ascot – so far 103 polarised coments (as you would imagine), but at 102 of 103 “Pink wears ink and she’s probably more wealthy than anybody in Ascot – and she doesn’t appear to be a snob either!”
Ha!

3 12 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

One of my favourite things about Italy (given that, despite my TBL handle, I am a young single man with borderline satyrism) is that while the women here all enjoy their food, the only fat chicks you see – guaranteed – are tourists.

Bogan chicks get fat because they eat to fill themselves up, as opposed to eating for the food itself.

3 12 2010
lolplates

There is a nice demotivator for that, can’t post it from work though. Just search Europe vs America in google images.

3 12 2010
lolplates

“given that, despite my TBL handle, I am a young single man with borderline satyrism”

Do you have goats feet and horns? If so, WIN!

3 12 2010
AlyssaKT

win what?

Noun 1. satyriasis – abnormally intense sexual desire in men

3 12 2010
AlyssaKT

(not sure what the female version is… “lucky”, I guess)

3 12 2010
Shirley

Nymphomania, I believe.

3 12 2010
v'visexxxion

The prize is nymphomania? I’ll enter mum in the comp.

3 12 2010
lolplates

I obviously play too many computer games, satyr a classic devil. Goat legs horns and quite evil.

3 12 2010
AlyssaKT

ah yes
satyr
n
1. (Myth & Legend / Classical Myth & Legend) Greek myth one of a class of sylvan deities, represented as goatlike men who drank and danced in the train of Dionysus and chased the nymphs
2. a man who has strong sexual desires

this ties it all together nicely

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: