We, the writers of the popular website and book Things Bogans Like have announced today that we have forgiven Richard Wilkins. In our recently released book (featuring Richard on the cover), we have variously accused Wilkins of hijacking telethons, hijacking red carpet specials, being outflanked by Max Markson as the ideal celebrity conduit for bogans, and being a polymer that doesn’t actually exist. Other allegations that have been swirling in recent months include the theory that Richard Wilkins’ soul is trapped inside the hologram installed in every Power Balance Band that is sold to bogans with the promise of a 500% increase in power and agility.
Despite the grave nature of the abovementioned accusations, we at Things Bogans Like hereby vow to forgive Richard, for he is just a Kiwi who inadvertently got sucked into the bogan celebrity maelstrom. As of today, Things Bogans Like will not speculate on Richard’s possible involvement in Paul Hogan’s taxation fraud, global warming, or Karl Stefanovic’s continued presence on Australian television screens. The authors have seen the light, and now realise that it’s actually all P!nk’s fault.
P!nk’s newly announced pregnancy (and associated greatest hits album) is of great concern to the future of Australia. If, as is expected, this child is thrust into the entertainment industry, it is feared that it will create a bogan-fuelled dynasty in the Australian entertainment landscape. Another generation of misinformed American celebrities berating Australian farmers, another generation of American celebrities performing 84 nights in a row at Rod Laver Arena, and exporting all of the bogan bucks back to the USA. It must be stopped.
We forgive you, Richard Wilkins. Please team with Things Bogans Like, and use your maxtreme celebrity-herding powers to communicate to Australia’s bogans that sending P!nk’s next album 9 times platinum is not in their long term interests. The future of our children, and our children’s children is at stake.