#196 – Farewell Tours

24 11 2010

The bogan knows that Riverdance, that ridiculous slice of mid-90s faux-multiculturalism that involved people awkwardly linking arms and bouncing to fiddles which was embraced heartily by bogans for about a decade, is crap. About five years after the world cottoned on to the inherent lameness of Michael Flatley and Michael Flatley’s hair, however, the bogan began to realise that it was no longer cool to pretend to like Irish dancing.

The bogan also knows that it is Doing It Tough. Despite offering lip service to fiscal austerity, the bogan is congenitally incapable of foregoing anything today in order to afford something tomorrow. And while Tony Abbott and Tracy Grimshaw keep telling it that interest rates are too high and utility bills are unbearable, its food budget remains under threat. Eventually, when it is out of money, while demanding ever greater subsidies, ever cheaper credit and ever stupider television shows on ever larger televisions, it must forego things for which there is no offer of instant finance; like live music and performances.

However, there is one marketing tool at the disposal of the entertainment industry that is a rolled-gold guarantee of luring bogan bucks away from the latest piece of cultural wallpaper to be resurrected as a song and dance spectacular, and to a different recycled bogan cultural phenomenon; The Farewell Tour or, as we call it, the entertainment equivalent of the “Limited Edition Shane Warne’s 253rd Wicket Print”.

The bogan, faced with the limited edition farewell tour is stung into maxtreme action by the mere mention of not having the future option of buying something that it does not need. The Eagles are only going to tour again when hell freezes over?! Goddammit, let’s get the limited edition $560 platinum seats!

This method is so effective that the bogan, Pavlovian marionette that it is, can be lured into purchasing tickets to multiple farewell tours by the same artist. Hence, Riverdance. Despite the fact that the bogan once grew weary of it, the very fact that this is The Last Time the bogan can ever see a bunch of anonymous people bouncing in green tights means it will fork out exorbitant sums to see it. This applies equally to John Farnham, Hey Hey It’s Saturday and, speaking of puppets, David Fucking Strassman.

While Hey, Hey has its roots in faux 1980s nostalgia, Strassman is the only ventriloquist the bogan will tolerate. Because his puppets swore. While this was risqué in 1989, today, the bogan has its own litany of profanity, and needs no help from a stuffed toy. Yet, Ted E. Bear is having a farewell tour, in the only country that still gives a shit. Bogans will flock.


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314 responses

24 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Seriously, we need to ensure that Powderfinger truly is gone for good. I’m getting my lawyers on to it right now.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

They were ineffective against John “Milking It” Farnham. I hope you use a more effective wig this time Fi.

24 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I don’t need a wig. My own hair is luxurious enough. ;-p

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

*Boom tish*

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

But seriously about john Farnham…… just fix it please.

24 11 2010
Sten

Yes, please do so.

Actually, I don’t give a fuck. If the Blue-rinse Bogan Brigade want to throw their money down the shitter, that’s their business.

24 11 2010
Samuel L Wombat

Fi, thank you. A million times over. Thank you!

24 11 2010
GoldCoaster

Why stop at Powderfinger? Set a precedent with them then wipe out a few more Brisbane bogan bands.

24 11 2010
brad

maybe you should bandy this one around on groupthink?

24 11 2010
brad

@ fi

24 11 2010
Shirley

They’ll be back. I say this as neither a pessimist or optimist, but as a realist.

24 11 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

Fi, if your lawyers fail, I will start questioning the use of your status and wealth.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

You know what I saw the other day that sort of fits with this.

A tour of Brothers in Arms by Dire Straits. Except that it is not by The Dire but by a band comprising such luminaries as Les Gock.

Talk about lameness exponentially expanded. The bogan will be all over this.

24 11 2010
GoldCoaster

Like when some Roy Orbison impersonator does a farewell show down at Twin Towns, the place where these sorts of acts wash up as Elvis washed up in Las Vegas.

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Even worse, a friend of mine on a sojourn to Victoria found the pinnacle of Boganic entertainment (photographic evidence in the link below):

http://yfrog.com/b7photohkaj

I managed to find a blurb for it; quite horrific reading…

http://www.leurahotel.com.au/liveentertainment

Speaks for itself really…

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Oh, and the Leura Hotel has 8 different types of Parma…who’d thunk it! Prime Boganic cuisine! Much like when they get a kebab: Meat, cheese and BBQ sauce…

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I note they also promote the Neil Diamond show. You would never really need to leave what with the cuisine and entertainment on offer.

24 11 2010
Shirley

One of my neighbours plays Neil Diamond relentlessly. Perhaps we should make a Parma for dinner, eat it on the deck and it will be like the Leura Hotel Neil Diamond Tribute Show Tribute Show.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

That or poke your eyeballs with blunt objects, either sounds like a good way to spend a Friday night. Actually I like a good Parmy but I make my own.

24 11 2010
BlindSquirrel

I like how it’s a public bar with a zero tolerance policy on drugs. What? Alcohol’s a drug??

24 11 2010
GoldCoaster

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

But at least the bogan can feel like it’s got broad international tastes with that many types of parma. Like the mild curry.

24 11 2010
Sten

Gah! My eyes!

Parma and meat/cheese/sauce kebabs are not-so-guilty pleasures of mine though.

24 11 2010
GoldCoaster

That doesn’t necessarily make you bogan though.

24 11 2010
Will S

At a local RSL recently I saw a promo for a Pink tribute act. Supported by a Robbie Williams tribute act.

What.

24 11 2010
p'bee

and the newtown rsl recently had a tanty about some metal bands playing there. this is much more offensive.

24 11 2010
Tombarina

Oh, you did NOT, Will.

Please say you didn’t.

That’s a new low, even in Rissole-land.

Mind you, the Bee Gees are apparently playing at Brisbane’s Easts Rugby League Club this weekend. At no point did the ad mention the word “tribute”. Just a pic of three alleged Gibbs. Maurice was looking pretty spiffy, considering he’s been dead seven years. The Barry, however, appeared to be sporting a beaver on his noggin. (No, not THAT kind of beaver. THAT kind of beaver was keeping his chin warm.)

24 11 2010
brad

Theres a guy who goes by the name of “scarecrow” doing a sold-out ,never too be seen again tour of outer surburban pubs and clubs around Melbourne.This guy must have nerves of steel as belting out “check it out” everynight to a crowd of 40 somethings would be enough to break lesser men.(i like this songto,but the thought of it being prostituted every night is cringeworthy)

24 11 2010
GoldCoaster

But he’s singing all the way to the bank!

24 11 2010
Shirley

There does seem to be a growing trend of bands touring albums. The Lemonheads are very soon to tour ‘It’s a Shame About Ray’. There’s a few albums I’d like to see played live in their entirety. Providing they are performed by the actual band and it’s not packaged as a farewell tour.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yeah there is the classic albums series which gave us the Pixies doing Doolittle and Sonic Youth doing Daydream Nation, both awesome.

I’m waiting for the 1927 tour of Ish though.

24 11 2010
Shirley

If it ever happens, I’ll come with you.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

If I could I’d paint a picture of you.

24 11 2010
Shirley

I believe the lyric was “If I could paint, I’d paint a portrait of you, blah blah vomit crap shit blah blah blah”.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Shirl, you know it only too well.

24 11 2010
Shirley

How could one forget such timeless, moving poetry?

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

If I could I would
Stab a spork in your earhole
Lame Eric must die now

24 11 2010
Shirley

1989.
Year of Tiananmen Square.
But worse. Ish released.

24 11 2010
Bag O' Turnips

Sad but true, they indeed did Simon: they violated our shores a few months back with their “20…ish Anniversary” tour, playing at the Astor Theatre.

No, I didn’t see these Compulsory Dickheads.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Dude, and I missed my chance

*stumbles off to find scotch and blunt knife*

24 11 2010
p'bee

yeah, i remember seeing a poster at the enmore about this. i have no knowledge of the band though.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Prepare yourself P’Bee. I suggest heroin as an effective antidote.

24 11 2010
p'bee

oh that song, i’ve heard that on the ‘classic hits’ radio station my dad always had on in the car when i was growing up.
i made it only to the singer’s turn to the camera at 50 seconds in. now i’m trying to replace it in my mind with something, anything.

24 11 2010
Edward

My sister is three and three quarters years younger than I, and was therefore young enough to be taken in by 1927 (along with John Farnham and Southern Sons).

I watched the film-clip linked above, is it just my imagination or was the drummer outpacing the rest of the band for most of the track ?

It was the product of the Australian recording industry of the late 1980’s, but you’d think that this sort of thing wouldn’t go un-noticed in a professional recording (prior to release).

24 11 2010
Hopster

ask and you shall receive http://bit.ly/fbosN8 – 17 Jan 2011 Tix $25

24 11 2010
Shirley

Meet you there Simon. Your shout.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Cool $25 is cheap for talent like that. I will buy you cans of Bundy and coke Shirl.

24 11 2010
Shirley

Oh I don’t usually drink rum, but when in Sawtell, do as the bogans do.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Me neither. Rum gives me horrific hangovers and makes me want to punch people except that I become even more unco than usual and end up breaking my own nose. Should be fun.

24 11 2010
p'bee

i want to go just to see this, simon. well actually no, i don’t want to go, but this does sound funny.

24 11 2010
Tombarina

That’s horrible.

And it gets worse as you scroll down.

For at the bottom, behold, on Jan 21: Seltic Sirens
And STILL only 25 bucks.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Or, gasp, Grinspoon.

24 11 2010
Pandabater

Sawtell is a beautiful place & its greatest asset is that it is not Coffs Harbour. Try the pub instead.

26 11 2010
Bag O'Turnips

There’s the relatively recent performances by my favourite addled pop genius, Brian Wilson, of two of his albums during 1966-67: Pet Sounds and (hitherto unreleased in a contiguous complete form until 2004) SMiLE. Performing live both song cycles were a very healing experience for Wilson; though his voice is a bit shot after years of self-abuse, there was feeling and sincerity, not to mention a touch of pathos, that eludes many technically correct vocalists and his musicianship and total command of the ensemble—all Brian Wilson acolytes—is still undisputed. I saw the SMiLE show in 2004 when it toured Australia (including Perth): ’twas the most moving performance I’d ever seen in concert.

When there were celebrations of the 40th anniversary of Pet Sounds in 2006, one radio station (96fm—think Triple M of the 90s, a most bogan station) decided to highlight this LP on their Sunday morning classic album show. I thought that a great idea. Until the youngish DJ spoke towards the end of the programme, blurting “I have no idea, but here it is, another from Pet Sounds!” prior to spinning “I Just Wasn’t Made For These Times”.

Clearly, this numbnut was expecting all them sun-surf-and-hotrods to be present and correct, never regarding the context of where it sat in pop history and its wide influence amongst contemporary working musos right across the sub-genres of popular music. Not a scintilla of a clue. Ignoramus fücking bogan, I thought right there and then. Probably some cünt who thinks that Only By The Night qualifies already as a classic, ‘cos of the chorus of “Sex On Fire”.

At least Brian Wilson has never announced a farewell tour, so that keeps him in credible company. And given that it takes a strong sense of insight to appreciate the marvel of his work, this is antithetical to the bogan. So Brian’s Not Bogan.

But for those who want to maintain the bogue status quo (no pun intended) image of The Beach Boys, Mike Love and Brian Johnston are at your service to this very day…Carl and Dennis would be turning in their graves at this reprobate pair.

24 11 2010
Murgatroyd Zanzibar

and Achmed the dead terrorist – enough said.

24 11 2010
Sten

Ugh. Achmed was about as funny as toothache.

24 11 2010
Murgatroyd Zanzibar

Put Ted E Bear in an Ed Hardy t-Shirt and get him to shout obscenties during a farewell tour & they’ll on to a sure-fire winner.

I can see the queues of bogans now.

24 11 2010
Brimstone

wasn’t this already covered by Peter Jackson’s Meet The Feebles? and Conan O Brian’s Triumph: The Insult Comic Dog? and Avenue Q? and the short-lived American sitcom Greg The Bunny?

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Brim,

I’m not sure that the bogan is aware of PJ’s impressive early work. They were some rude puppets though.

24 11 2010
Bag O' Turnips

“Shit! I was just about to pop me cookies!”

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Bletch: Do you really think people are interested in nasal sex?
Trevor: Sure, boss. It’s the next big fad.

————————————————

Bletch: Have you thought of a name for it, yet?
Trevor: I was thinking along the lines of…”Dennis does Daisy”.
Bletch: No. That’s lousy.
Trevor: How about…”Anal Antics”?
Bletch: “Anal Antics”… yes. It will appeal to the intellectuals. Do you think it will do as well as our last release and win the Hooker Prize?

24 11 2010
Murgatroyd Zanzibar

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH – CUES!!!!! Sorry!

How about we amend it for you. TBL; easing stress for commenters since 2009. TBL

24 11 2010
Hel

Riverdance *shudder* thankfully Perth is so isolated most “acts” on the farewell wagon don’t come here, but that just gives our WA bogues the chance to fly east on jetstar to see them in Melbourne or Sydney, that’s pretty bogan!!!!!

24 11 2010
GoldCoaster

My mum made me see that in the 90’s. I think she realised her mistake at seeing it herself when it got going.

24 11 2010
Brimstone

The Ted E Bear’s ‘farewell’ tour has been going on for a few years
i work for a gig guide, so i see this stuff all the time
even local bands do it

24 11 2010
GoldCoaster

There’s always some farewell tour or other, and it takes some serious doublethink to believe it’s really the last ever tour someone accustomed to the riches of rock-show-stardom will ever do, even when the tax department slugs them for evasion! But then, the bogan doesn’t need doublethink. Doublethink requires one to be able to think- period.

24 11 2010
RobertL

TBL – it’s “forgo”, not “forego”.

But, yes, farewell tours – completely Bogan.

24 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. My word (pun intended), you’re right. With my higher degree in the Classics, I really should have picked that up myself.

24 11 2010
Shirley

Actually, you’re both wrong. Forego is an entirely acceptable variant of forgo. In fact Fiona, considering where you were schooled, forego would have been more acceptable amongst the academia.

24 11 2010
GoldCoaster

Qui nescit? Nil moror.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Either is good, Fi for shame!

for·go also fore·go (fôr-g, fr-)
tr.v. for·went also fore·went (-wnt), for·gone also fore·gone (-gôn, -gn), for·go·ing also fore·go·ing, for·goes also fore·goes
To abstain from; relinquish: unwilling to forgo dessert.

——————————————————————————–

[Middle English forgon, from Old English forgn, go away, forgo : for-, for- + gn, to go; see gh- in Indo-European roots.]

——————————————————————————–

for·goer n.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2009. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

——————————————————————————–

24 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Those of us with higher degrees in the Classics don’t accept that Americans HAVE a book at their disposal that can properly be called a “dictionary”.

24 11 2010
Sten

Fail, Simon, fail.

I would have been happy with an excerpt from the OED, or Macquarie dictionary at a pinch.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Ok dude try this.

http://oxforddictionaries.com/view/entry/m_en_gb0310890#m_en_gb0310890

It also states Forego is acceptable.

24 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. If one is used to conversing in low vernacular, they are of course both acceptable.

However, “forgo” refers to abstinence or denial, which is clearly the intent of the word in the sentence.

The verb “forego” refers to things or events that have gone before.

Perhaps one needs a higher degree in the Classics to appreciate these subtle differences.

24 11 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

And if we’re not of high enough breeding to afford one?

24 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Then you may use “forego”.

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Since when do ones who have a higher degree in the Classics “LOL”?

24 11 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

Our Fiona is a law unto herself.

24 11 2010
RobertL

Oooh – did I just leave the 50,000th comment?

24 11 2010
p'bee

farewell tours – play the same songs as usual but charge 5+ times the normal ticket price.

24 11 2010
Bag O' Turnips

Very useful for those dickheads & has-beens to generate much-needed income to pay back the advances provided by their record company after their latests release completely stiffed, or to settle paternity suits, or to reimburse the ATO when their harebrained tax evasion scheme collapses.

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

congratulations on 50,000 comments TBL.

24 11 2010
bigger person

Hence the farewell tour,as the fad know falls into the latecoming bogue the tbl team must find a new avenue of adventure? or risk being as cutting edge as the aforementioned?

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

this brings to mind the codicil to the farewell tour – The Reunion Tour.
I saw the Sex Pistols at the Burswood Dome (under duress) in nineteen ninety something. Apropriately named “The Filthy Lucre Tour”. I would have been more impressed if they had just pissed into the audience and laughed at us.

maybe so many years of “last chance” “limited edition” marketing will fill the bogan with such a sense of impending doom that it will disapear underground in fear of its life to form a new civilisation existing on an endless supply of limited edition Solo world cup cans, only occasionally sending Bruce Willis to the surface to see if it’s OK yet.

24 11 2010
Bag O' Turnips

Hi Chubbs and Edna: hope your sojourn in the South West has been successful, in spite of those fückwit francophones ruining your peace and quiet.

Yep, Willis will poke up and see The Eagles on their Hell Winter 2022 Tour; if not them, then certainly James “can’t wait for the English language version” Reyne or Daryl Deathbreath Braithwaite.

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Nice 5 in a row D Gen reference BO’T…

24 11 2010
Bag O' Turnips

Hey, did you see their other Reyne pisstake, “Rising Damp”, from their early shows?

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Goodnight WOOOO!

Does that answer your query?

24 11 2010
Telefon Tel Aviv

HA, Nice!

24 11 2010
Fiona of Carlton

To be fair I remember at the time Lydon admitted he was only doing it for the money.

24 11 2010
Pandabater

A couple of my mates went to the Sex Pistols show & they were hugely dissapointed as the band members had in the last 20 odd years actually learnt how to play their instruments.

13 07 2015
Tony

They played at the Entertainment Centre you fucking moron!

24 11 2010
lolplates

I will be embracing my Bogan when I go to see Megadeth play their Rust in Peace tour. I am also keen to see Saxon at soundwave 🙂
I just need Man O’ War to come to Australia to get some more bogan ‘final tours’.

24 11 2010
Sten

Saxon!? Hell, I might have to make an exception to my “I don’t do festivals” rule. Unless they’re also playing the Enmore or something.

24 11 2010
Tombarina

My Beloved and Sole Offspring are beside themselves at seeing Saxon at Soundwave.

I’d rather eat my own head.

24 11 2010
Tombarina

Man o’War? Worthy contenders for “worst album cover of all time” Man o’War?
http://www.musicradar.com/news/guitars/the-worst-album-covers-ever-1-heavy-metal-207047/9

Although I wouldn’t be that hard on them. Ken’s “Just Ken”, for instance, is worhttp://www.google.com.au/images?hl=en&q=worst+album+covers+ever&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=univ&ei=ppTsTIYQkpyxA6P13J4H&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&ct=title&resnum=2&ved=0CCkQsAQwAQse. Along with any of these:

24 11 2010
Sten

Yes, that would have to be the worst album cover I’ve ever seen, Tombarina. But the rest of them are pretty bad too.

24 11 2010
p'bee

ken’s by request only is simultaneously one of the best and worst album covers ever: http://neilperkin.typepad.com/only_dead_fish/images/2008/02/06/worst_album_covers1.jpg

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

That is one of the best things I have ever seen. Viv would lose his sh*t over that cover. I think I have seen Ken in porno’s.

24 11 2010
Fiona of Carlton

At least Leonard Cohen is upfront about touring (needs money after being screwed over by dodgy manager) it’s Farnsey’s constant “last-time” pantomimes that make the whole thing a joke!

24 11 2010
Bag O' Turnips

There’s also old warhorses who just keep on going, like Bob Dylan in his Neverending Tour, the Stones and Paul McCartney…at least they don’t operate under the guise of retirement, most likely keep going as long as they both keep standing and punters keep paying up.

And for all of those who think The Beatles—finally on iTunes at long bloody last!—are bogan, don’t forget that at least they went out before artistic decline had the chance to set in and never performed a farewell gig as such. They dd, however did a reunion of sorts in the mid 90s with two Lennon demos, but wisely left it at that, no tours with Julian or Sean Lennon.

24 11 2010
Shirley

Dylan et. al. keep touring because they keep making new music and probably have no idea what they’d do with their time if they stopped. Dylan in particular also charges very modest ticket prices when compared to his lesser contemporaries like Simon and Garfunkel and Yusuf Islam/Cat Stevens etc.

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

John Lennon was shot
By a Mark David Chapman
We still blame Yoko

(first shot at a haiku)

24 11 2010
Shirley

Nice effort punk. True too.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

They are still pretty bogan Bag ‘o although I did hear the Beatles covering U2’s Helter Skelter the other day and was mightly impressed.

24 11 2010
martin

Maybe you think The Beatles are bogan because it seems every young gen y faux libtard band tries to sound like them these days.

On another note. I say there be a fatwa on “Jet” and John Butler.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

It’s more that any ignorant bogue will trot out the Beatles to try to seem cool and knowledgeable in the history of music.

Are Jet still going? Have not heard anything of them for a while.

24 11 2010
martin

Yeah I think so. Just watch Hey Hey and you might catch them.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Thanks for that Martin. You’re a big help.

24 11 2010
Tombarina

Jet (along with You Am I and The Vines) supported Pfinger on their recent national cash grab.

Live, they were pretty good. For some reason, Nic Cester on stage live is less punchable than usual.

24 11 2010
Sten

Agreed, let there be a fatwa. Jet suck.

24 11 2010
Tone

I have a theory that there is a parallel universe somewhere where John Lennon didn’t get shot, and that The Beatles reunited for a one-off appearance on The Simpsons in the early 1990s.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Jesus, wouldn’t the bogans have loved that!

24 11 2010
p'bee

if thinking that would be awesome makes me a bogan then so be it.

24 11 2010
Shirley

He would have died of an overdose by the early 90s anyway.

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Poor John Lennon’s dead
It wasn’t the drugs or gun
But Yoko’s wailing

24 11 2010
Shirley

You really hate Yoko, huh?

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Doesn’t everyone?

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

I don’t hate Yoko
I just can’t stop writing these
Haikus about her

24 11 2010
p'bee

yoko haiku roll
fun for all the family?
bogues don’t know yoko

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yoko and Haikus
The prince writes cool verses here
A banshee wails

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

A banshee may wail
But Yoko is no siren
We ask “Is this art?”

24 11 2010
Shirley

Oh Yoko Ono,
for a lady who loves peace,
you’re a mean, cold, bitch.

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart

number nine, number
nine, number nine, number nine,
number nine yoko

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Weird twist, I punched “haiku Yoko Ono” into Google and got this:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2009/may/18/poetry-twitter

Yoko judges me
And my crappy haiku tome
“War is over now”

24 11 2010
p'bee

oh no its ono
why the love for nine, yoko?
four’s the best number

24 11 2010
Bag O' Turnips

No. I take no umbrage to Yoko Ono, for she was exactly what John wanted and needed.

24 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. And what we needed too: someone who shut John Lennon up.

24 11 2010
Shirley

Shut him up? How so?

24 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. His musical output decreased dramatically post Yoko.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?

They both live off dead Beatles.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Asian chicks are hot, but Yoko Ono was nasty.
I heard John Lennon used to scream out her last name during sex.

Read more: Yoko Ono Jokes for the day http://www.jokebuddha.com/Yoko_Ono/Yoko#ixzz16BEp3QqV

24 11 2010
martin

He made heaps of great songs post Yoko, which was around 1968 I think. His best work even imo.

24 11 2010
Shirley

His musical output did not decrease post Yoko. In fact, it increased. In addition to The Beatles music that was released during their time together, he recorded something like 14 albums before he died in 1980.

24 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I meant in terms of quality.

24 11 2010
Shirley

No you didn’t.

24 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Well I do now.

24 11 2010
martin

John Lennon was not a dickensian fuedalist and had socialist sympathies therefore his music sucks.

24 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Quite right Martin, quite right.

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

You realise your liberal use of “LOL” devalues the gravity of any statement you decide to post? I’m just saying…

25 11 2010
Nelson Esq

Whatever you opinion on John and / or Yoko, John changed this world through his words.

John definitely did not shut up after meeting Yoko, in fact he got increasingly vocal, especially regarding political issues, such as the Vietnam War / world Peace. Hence the Bed-In’s, ‘Give Peace a Chance’ and Bagism. He also supported Civil rights and donated his clothes and hair to Malcolm X for a fund raising auction. He also rallied about freeing some looney left political activiist called John someone (his surname eludes me now, but Lennon wrote a song about him)

John’s musical output actually increased post Beatles, more so when he left Yoko for his ‘Lost Week-end’ and was lived in LA with Ringo, Harry Nilsson and Keith Moon and bonking another Asian piece of poontang by the name of May Pang. During this time he recorded several albums, including ‘Walls and Bridges’ and ‘Rock n Roll’. He also collaborated musically with several other musicians; wrote and recorded for Ringo, produced an album for Harry Nilsson’s, played guitar on David Bowie’s Young Americans and recorded ‘Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds’ with Elton John. Elton also played on John’s No.1 hit ‘Whatever Gets You Through the Night’.

After losing a bet with Elton regarding the success of ‘Whatever Gets You Through the Night’, John performed with Elton at Madison Square Garden, where he was re-united with Yoko. Once together again, Yoko fell pregnant with Sean and he became a recluse for 5 years.

Emerging in 1980 with the album ‘Double fantasy’, John was about to re-embark on his political activism and had booked flights to California to join a protest about pay rights for Japanese workers in America. There is a theory that the US Government did notr want to deal with a politically active Lennon and sent in Chapman to permanently shut him up. Why has Chapman never made perole? Because if he went free, he may speak the truth!

25 11 2010
SD

Lennon changing the world – that sounds way too much like Bono changing Africa or Chris Martin making poverty history.

The importance of music makers to the general goings on of the world is a tad overstated, no?

25 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Absolutely SD. It’s just a modern variety of Folk (note the capital F before you attempt to correct me, lesser people) music which never has a lasting impact.

25 11 2010
SD

I must admit I am fond of a lot of traditional Folk/folk/ fowk/Fowk music – whichever way you like to spell it:-)

Mostly for its unpretentiousness and simplicity.

Not qualities one can associate with most bands including the Beatles.

25 11 2010
Nelson Esq

SD: Yes / No / Maybe. You can argue for and against your comment.

However, there is no argument that his music influenced many musicians who came after him.

Lennon was certainly one of the first musicians to voice his opinions on politcial issues. John once said that whatever he did, he was going to get onto the front cover of a newpaper anyway, so he may as well get on the front cover saying the word ‘Peace’. Now the likes of Bob Geldof, Bono etc all try to use their fame for the exact same reasons; word peace, end famine etc. Were they influenced by Lennon? Would have Geldof put together Baid Aid without John doing the Bed -In’s 15 odd years before? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

Whenever a pop star uses their fame and gets up to say something in an attempt to change the world for the better , they do. The question should be asked; how lasting and significant is that change for the people who are affected?

People may knock the pop stars for trying to end wars and famines with their fame, but would they knock Glenn McGrath using his fame to help raise awareness of breast cancer? I bet not, especiallly since his efforts have changed the world for many sufferers of breast cancer and their families.

25 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Just like how Bono and Bob Geldof have eradicated world poverty more than once.

25 11 2010
SD

With due respect Nelson, in India for e.g. most people haven’t heard of Lennon, of those who have many may just remember a few drugged out sorts consorting with a guru. Just because a few magazines put him on the cover with the word Peace doesn’t change anything, least of all that Lennon changed the world.

Diseases were treated before McGrath without celebrity support so yes good on him for lending his name to fund raising but he isn’t changing any lives. Hospitals are not running solely because of celebs you know.

The Beatles aren’t folk I would listen to but that’s beside the point. I think it best if most of these guys stick to making music instead of pretending to be saviours of the world.

25 11 2010
p'bee

while lennon et al may not have ‘changed the world’ i do think genuinely using fame – either in songs or just in public statements – to raise awareness of issues, to voice political opinions, etc is a good thing.

24 11 2010
Kate

Surely we could go to Consumer Affairs about him? I should imagine he could get done for false advertising.

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

Hi Turnips.
here’s some South West limited editions:
G. Purpurens
P. Subaerogenosa (or whatever)
the mycelium is weak. pray for rain.

also my wife works in the same industry as you and sends empathy. on behalf of those who cannot thank you, we thank you.

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

dylan has no idea what he’s doing anyway.

24 11 2010
Shirley

Fair point. Lucky for him, he’s quite good at it.

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

24 11 2010
Shirley

Yes, I’ve had the (mis)fortune of seeing that multiple times. I’m a Dylan fanatic and my paramour is a DAAS fanatic.

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

“Skip the next 17 verses cause they’re shite!”

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

dear gods!
The Leura Hotel.
the saddest part is the big “Zero Tolerance on Drugs” disclaimer.
allowing people to be exposed to their alleged entertainment line up without recourse to heavy narcotic sedation is surely a crime against humanity.
Is this the worlds greatest line up of tribute shows?
regular punters at the Leura should be sterilised.
for posterity.

24 11 2010
Wendy

Whaaaa…………TeddyBear isn’t real??????????

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

I still can’t get over the 8 different types of Parma they offer…how diverse can a Parma get?

Parma w/ chips
Parma w/o chips
Parma w/ Parma
Parma w/o Parma
Parma w/ salad (probably the least popular one)
Parma w/o salad
Parma w/ The Lot
Parma substitute (most likely the aforementioned kebab w/ meat, cheese and BBQ sauce)

24 11 2010
Tombarina

Parma, parma, parma, egg, parma, chips and parma.

24 11 2010
Tone

♫ Parma, parma, parma, parma … wonderful parma! Wonderful parma! ♫

24 11 2010
Sten

Damn it, you beat me, Tombarina!

24 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Can someone please tell me what a “parma” is? I figured out it’s some sort of food, so I asked Chef – he slammed the door in my face. 😦

24 11 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

It’s a food consumed by bogans in an attempt to go ethnic.

Far below your station in life, Fiona.

24 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I’d figured as much. I haven’t seen a reaction like that from Chef since I asked him to make me a pizza!

24 11 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

You let your chef slam doors in your face?

What kind of servants do you hire, Fiona? Ones from the toilet store? You need to start running a tighter ship, m’lady.

25 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Volatile ones. At least in the kitchen.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

When I make it you purchase round steak, bash it a bit, crumb it with flour, egg and breadcrumbs. Cook the steak then ladle on Paul Newmans tomato sauce, smother with parmesan cheese and put under the griller to melt said cheese. Delicious.

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

don’t forget Parma Surprise!
(surprise! It’s a Parma!)

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

We could probably make a Bogan cookbook; skim a few ideas from some pub menus, add a bit of Paula Deen with maxxtreme amounts of BBQ sauce and we’ve got a surefire bestseller!

24 11 2010
Michael C. Donovan

“Maxxxtreme Things Bogans Like to Cook (With EmotionDrums)”

By Paula Deen & Nigella Lawson
Foreword by Matt Preston’s cravat

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

You leave my Nigella out of this! Actually, no, please do, I might actually might get to ‘meet’ her in the process of publishing this book…

24 11 2010
Sten

Yep, you crossed the line there, Herr Donovan. Nigella is “admired” by quite a number of the regulars here, myself included.

24 11 2010
GoldCoaster

And don’t forget that cardboard cut-out guy (I don’t believe he really is a person; just a cardboard cutout) they have in Coles, that “Curtis” guy. His manequin-like smile and “designer” stubble is sure to lure the femme-bogue.

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

With 4 Ingredients only and for less than $10!!!

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

He got done for this promotion. Apparently none of his meals could actually be cooked for $10. Really, I could be knocked over with a feather.

24 11 2010
GoldCoaster

You mean he’s a real person? I just thought he was a cardboard cutout made by some marketing people. Knock me over with a feather.

25 11 2010
Nelson Esq

The BBQ sauce must be those Jim Beam / Jack Daniels varieties you get from Target. Klarsy!!

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

…Breaking News
Raspberry Cordial reunion.
one night only!
Billboard, Sydney, Thursday.

I’d go on the off chance of bantering with Safran.

just me and a thousand other tryhards.

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

“Melbourne Tram” is the only song I know they ‘released’….will it be that 16 times over or just a 90 minute extended version where they get their Pink Floyd circa 1968 on?

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Found a little taster for you all, with pre-(in)famous Rove McManus goodness!

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart

correction.
Billboard is in Melbourne.
Not Sydney.
sorry to anyone who’s on the phone to jetstar.

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart

oooh look!
I gotta picture too!

found that little baby up near Nimbin last year.
isn’t he cute?
his little veil hasn’t even separated yet.

of course I didn’t pick him. that would be illegal.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I hope they have Father Bob on Bongos!

24 11 2010
Allan - Melbourne Australia

http://waverley-leader.whereilive.com.au/news/story/the-notts-grand-lady-kath-byer-dies/

You guys should pay a tribute to this lady. Like it or nott a lot of us are bogans at heart even if we have renounced many of the activities.
This lady provided us with a place to learn to drink when we were young and dumb and the Nott is reveared by bogans Australia wide.

It is indeed a good pub, some of our number spent many a post-uni Thursday session in its august surrounds. The behaviour that takes place there, while increasingly bogan, is also just a reflection of the fact that more bogans aspire to the wealth that a university education can offer. TBL

24 11 2010
SD

A university education offers wealth? That’s news to me.

24 11 2010
martin

+1. It’s all about the cashies mate.

If we get a depression one good thing is there won’t be so many CUBs. They’ll all be down the pub glassing each other during the weekdays.

24 11 2010
GoldCoaster

Since when do bogans have the attention span to do a 4 year degree? I work at TAFE where they can do a one year diploma and they can’t even be bothered coming. We call about their attendance and some tell us they’ve just enrolled to get the Austudy while they do their cash jobs, “But don’t tell Centrelink…!”

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Quite the conundrum you have there GC….I am currently studying Primary Education at Uni and apart from being outnumbered 8 to 1 by females in general, femme bogues represent a healthy (and I use that term very lightly) proportion of that number…it stumps me too GC as to how many of them are let through to the keeper, rather than being blasted through the covers (rejected I mean, not ‘smushed’ by their Bogan boyfriends)…

Speaking of cricket and bogans, isn’t Warnie’s new show starting tonight?

24 11 2010
GoldCoaster

Damn. Cricket was respectable until Warnie highjacked it. *Sigh* the TV will stay in my wardrobe.

24 11 2010
Tombarina

Prince, thanks for the reminder to disconnect my house from mains power tonight, lest one of the TVs accidentally be switched on.

The mere sight of that vacuous bleached hosebeast make me want to bedazzle something to his stupid, stupid head. A large shark, for instance. Or a bomb.

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Look, The Sheik of Tweak
Is a talking head on Nein
Please God, kill me now

24 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

For the interests of Bogan research, I shall watch “Warnie” tonight on Channel Nein and give a full report tomorrow morning.

Originally I was going to welcome the presence of my lovely girlfriend to my humble abode, but she said she’d be there later because she’s participating in a video conference with Aung San Suu Kyi tonight…I’m not kidding…

24 11 2010
Tombarina

That’s incredible – she’s a classy girl. Aung San Suu Kyi, too.

But if I were you, I’d keep your Warnie-watching plans, even in the interests of anthropological research, all to your little self.

Just to be on the safe side…..

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

the Adelaide equivalent of the Parma is the “Schnitty”.
usually misspelled.
It would go in the book under “foreign cuisine”
‘cos adelaide’s a long way from anywhere.

24 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Guns n Roses can’t do a farewell tour coz they are f*ckin gone baby.

24 11 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

The saddest part is that if I wasn’t going to be in Italy at the time, I’d be running for the GnR bogan fest at the Sydney 500.

24 11 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

That is going to be a dirty, dirty night.

24 11 2010
Shirley

I just had the ‘good fortune’ to collate some bogan statistics.

I was standing at a pedestrian crossing, with a broken arm, a small child in a pram, in the rain. 7 vehicles out of 9 chose to ignore me. Of the 7, 3 were 4wds and 2 of those sported the insipid ‘my family’ stickers.

78% of Australians are bogans.
75% of bogans drive 4wds
People with ‘my family’ stickers on their cars are cock garages and should be shot.

24 11 2010
GoldCoaster

I LOATHE the “my family” stickers!! I would have stopped for you. I drive a 3 door hatch with no stickers.

24 11 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

I would have stopped as well, Shirl, and I drive a Commodore with a Swazi bumper sticker. It’s my attempt to reclaim it from being a racist symbol.

25 11 2010
Will S

Sadly your efforts are probably as futile as an attempt to reclaim the real swastika from being a racist symbol!

24 11 2010
bigger person

@Shirl. One Christmas eve,moving house 400klm after working the 27=29th i ran short of a town by 5klms.Over 500 drove past with fuel drums for every concievable moron toy attached and yet none stopped.I even made a sign “$$..for fuel.. AFTER two hours i wondered onto some farms.The first i was chased by a 4ft wolfhound,having to jump back an fourth over a fence to tire it,and then the next a laughing farmer gave me the 3ltrs required to make it into town.So my theory is that people have watched too many american sitcoms about carjacking and the various styles it entails.Or it could be plain outright selfishness,you decide.

24 11 2010
martin

Sorry to hear about your broken arm Shirley.

I had a similar experience. I was cruising up to a zebra crossing, I was a full 100m away, quite far, and this little bogan school kid of about 14-15 was standing at the start of it. I was so far away I don’t know why he didn’t just start walking, I wasn’t going fast and it was all very quiet, no one around, so I keep on approaching the crossing wondering why the f#ck this idiot doesn’t just walk across it, he was clearly the sort of trouble making northern beaches meatheaded idiot who thinks he’s pretty top stuff that has been quite a bane to my existence having been to a public school and also just generally afterwards because I have to live in Australia. Anyway I get real close to it and I think f#ck him he’s a twat and I’m just going through, then he throws his arms up in the air as if I had just committed some major screw up, so I wind down the window and give him the finger as I was leaving.

How’s that for a story? Fascinating hey.

24 11 2010
Tone

^ Cool story bro.

24 11 2010
martin

Yeah see, one thing the bogan has got is an advantage when it comes to violence. See I’m fairly big now and I could have bashed him. But, I do white collar work so therefore can not afford to have an assault charge against my name. But a bogan can, what brick layer business is going to give a stuff if mr meathead has an assault charge? None I reckon. As long as he can lay bricks well.

So therefore I think there should be more lenience towards assault. In fact white collar companies should encourage it against bogans and offer sign on bonuses for jobs well done.

24 11 2010
Pandabater

The man has not come
The junkies just wait & wait
All Riverdancing

24 11 2010
j3st3r

Tantrum time.
I like Strassman and his band of puppets and don’t really care if they’re labeled bogan so it’s not that which has me steamed. My actual gripe is in reference to Ted E. Bare’s Farewell Tour being included in this round up because, as anyone that has seen the show will be able to tell you, he isn’t actually retiring and is therefore making a mockery of the farewell tour concept.

On a personal note I have a particular fondness for Ted E. Bare as he, or at least a replica, was my only nocternal company during a two week hospital stay after being hit by a truck. He has also been a regular companion during the last eleven months of rehab and made the trip with us when family members and I were able to meet David Strassman backstage.

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart

wordpress and twitter
are a complete waste of time.
chubby! Now with truth.

just testing

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart

see, this is bollock.
(not bollocks, just one dangly old nut in a wrinkly old sac with wispy grey hairs on it)
Bollock.
I go to the trouble of signing up at wordpress to get a cute little picture next to my name, and it won’t let me sign in from my mobile.
twitter is the same.
every time I want to tweet it asks me to sign in again.
twenty first century communication and social networking my spotty arse!
Bollock.

and WTF with Kanye West?
I hate that sh!t.
can’t wait for his farewell tour.

24 11 2010
Shirley

are you an iPhone user Chubby? What application do you use for Twitter?

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart

huh?
I have a Nokia something or other.
has a slide out keyboard.
help me shirl.
I can’t even select the UN/PW fields on the wordpress page.

application?
I just go to Twitter.com

24 11 2010
Shirley

Yeah, you need an application. Is it a smartphone? If it’s a Nokia, you should have an application store, I think it’s called Ovi, where you can download one.

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart

it’s a smartphone 5730.
I got an app called…
um
I forget.
global or gorilla or something
anyway.
the prob seems to be twitter won’t accept my pw from the phone.
I can log in from the computer but not the phone.
F#ck it. I’m not that interesting anyway.
I’ll get a new phone when I get home.

24 11 2010
Shirley

Gravity?

That’s the one I use. Once you’ve set it up you should never need to sign in again.

24 11 2010
pandabater

There’s one of those day on the green things coming up with Joe Cocker (Yay) to be fckd up by George Thorogood (sigh).

24 11 2010
Pandabater

Dammit, capital P

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart

Gravity!
that’s it!

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart

I give up shirl.
baby jesus has read my work on TBL and is telling me not to blog or tweet.

at least until I get home anyway…
(about three weeks from now)

24 11 2010
Shirley

Oh well. The delights of the internet will all be waiting for you, when you are ready and able.

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart

hey Prince
ask your girlfriend to tell Aung San Suu Kyi I said Hi and wished her all the best.

I could tweet her but…

#€*§@¿¤#%!

24 11 2010
Chairman Miaow

Greetings all… I have returned to the fray.. to find the it’s-not-really-a-farewell-tour-it’s-a-tribute-to-Hutch PR flurry on something called the Z Factor last night. 4-5 paunchy lads passing themselves off as INXS.

This is less than sad; it’s morbid. The big lesson kiddies? Always stash a little of the hard-earned so that you’re not reduced to this. Budding rock stars out there repeat after me…I will pay my taxes/not inject profits/hire mate’s accountant dad as manager… and not disgrace myself on natl telly looking like the teletubbies but not as cool.

Now, where are my Debbie Harry tickets?

25 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Ah Chaiman, welcome back. Poor old INXS. A fluttering of fame 25 years ago and they still don’t realise it is gone, gone, gone.

As an ad man I need your opinion. The nappy ad which reworks MC Hammers classic song into Stop Potty time. Craptastic or genius, I just can’t decide.

25 11 2010
martin

Well if I had a kid I would stay away from whatever brand those nappies are. But they say that most people who breed are morons. So I guess it’s genius.

25 11 2010
Chairman Miaow

‘they’ had morons for parents then…

25 11 2010
Chairman Miaow

Far be it from me to critique the superior work of others… but I will.
Crap. Too obvious and just lazy. Thw riter sat back after that, scratched his nuts and said ‘thanks, put my $20k straight in the bank, please.’

This, on the other hand…

8/10 writing, 10/10 acting, 9/10 direction.

25 11 2010
Tombarina

I’d forgotten this. Champagne work!

25 11 2010
Chairman Miaow

bloody brilliant isn’t it! Good yank slapstick is extremely rare, but jeez they nailed it there.

25 11 2010
Chairman Miaow

…and if you’re of that mind, then you’ll be familiar with, and love this:

Balls out, the best comedy sketch of all time. Big claim, but I make it.

26 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Word Chairman.

26 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

They said Felch!

24 11 2010
chubbybloodfart

Chairman Miaow!
I knew if I shut up everyone would come back.

If only I had recourse to your pithy advice back in 91. alas
…maybe I did!
did you ever do fridays at Sleemans in north sydney?
Thems was the days.

25 11 2010
Chairman miaow

Ha! Not I… My formative years were in the wilds if Auckland…

25 11 2010
brad

Iv just discovered twitter
its the spot between the twat
and the shitter

25 11 2010
chubbybloodfart

…late breaking news…
New Mötorhead album out soon.
standby for reunion/filthy lucre tour.
I do recall seeing them do “ace of spades” on the Young Ones, which ultimately lead me to Hawkwind.
All classic stuff. And what happened to Alexei Sayle? his show “Stuff” was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.
“Who’s that fat bastard?”
you had to be there.
and speaking of classic, we watched Pulp Fiction again last night. what a piece of cinema. did Shirley say it had dated?
sorry Shirl. you should check it out again.
And speaking of Ms Mullet, we see Rodriguez has a new offering.
has anyone seen Machete yet?

25 11 2010
martin

I saw about half of Machete, I thought it was stupid.

What happened to Neil and Mike? Last I saw Neil he was doing that Australian ad for motor oil with a Kombie. Poor Neil and Mike. I don’t think much happened for them after the Young Ones. At least Rik and Vyvyan did Bottom which I love and have all three series of. Mike was in that a little bit but not enough to really count.

26 11 2010
Maggie

Mike was Eddie’s ex in Ab Fab. Featured quite often.

25 11 2010
Shirley

What DID happen to Alexei Sayle? I miss him.

Saw Pulp Fiction again not long ago. Stand by my claim. Stylistically it’s fantastic, but the dialogue is so very of it’s time that it makes me cringe now. PF was good and necessary practice for far superior efforts such as Inglorious Basterds.

Anyway, can’t chat, there’s cricket to watch.

25 11 2010
martin

Inglorious Basterds was a piece of shit.

25 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Shut your f*cking mouth Martin. IB is genius. PF stands up Chubs and Deathproof was woefull

25 11 2010
martin

IB is genius? Bullf#ck. So many stupid plot holes. Like there being 2 guards guarding the whole of all the top nazis, and one of the good guys woefully trying to pass himself of as an Italian to the smartest top nazis, plus historically there were no Jews doing that sort of thing. Not collectively anyway.

Deathproof was cool. Nice and simple and evil. Everything else Tarantino has done is cool too. But IB is a F#CKING PIECE OF SHIT so F#CK YOU MAN.

😀

25 11 2010
Shirley

I don’t think historical accuracy was something Tarantino was striving for.

25 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Martin, good to see the passion dude. You are wrong of course. Dominic DeCocco, casting Mike Myers, the Jewish revenge etc are all part of the subversion of expectations and the genius. Hans Landa was twice as evil as anything in deathproof which was a boring talkfest. So stick that in your f@cking pipe and smoke it.

19 05 2015
powerlounge

Tarantino is the master of dialogue. The cantina scene with Michael Fassbender was epic, as was the opening scene with Hans Landa and the French farmer.

The banter between John Travolta and Samuel L Jackson in the lead up to shooting up the college kids was superb as well.

25 11 2010
SD

Tarantino is a pastiche of a pastiche (Godard).

And both produce the kind of cinema you may be wild for when young and then completely outgrow.

Rodriguez hasn’t made anything decent in years.

So oddly I seem to be concurring with Martin.

25 11 2010
Chairman Miaow

Pulp is in my top 10 movies of all time, but I do respect Shirl’s opinion, so I’ll have to watch it again after some 5 years or so. I thought the capturing of dialogue by Mr T was just bloody brilliant at the time.

Inglourious (as Mart says) was unwatchable. A vehicle for Bradley.

25 11 2010
Chairman Miaow

Apropos of nothing, Life of Brian is in my top 3 comedies of all time. Now that has stood the test of time. Irritating oik that I am I still quote parts when bored at work. Undoubtedly to the annoyance of many. And definitely a bogan thing to do.

Get your ocelot tongues here…quail livers?

25 11 2010
Shirley

Perhaps we should all submit our top 5 movies of all time? Because we have nothing better to do.

25 11 2010
Chairman Miaow

I know! Mrs Miaow’s in bed and I’m pretending to be working. With a whiskey in hand. So this is going to get verbose and smug.

Ere we go.

The Life and Times of Colonel Blimp (to make me look all knowledgeable like, but it’s just brilliant, I watch it every 5 years or so and it captures the young dog/old dog thing so well) Google it and watch it.

Easy Rider (crap acting from Fonda, brilliant from Dennis Hopper (whose house in LA was designed by LLoyd Wright!!) It captured that whole 60s thing and the changing of the guard from the uptight 50s generation to the 60s. Probably hasn’t aged well, but it was a turning point for me.)

Pulp Fiction. Just. Brilliant. And it rescued Travolta, who gave a bravura performance. Dialogue simply brilliant. I give extra points for dialogue cos it’s just so hard to do well – Juno, for instance.

Life of Brian. So funny still after all these years. Spotless dialogue, perfect comic timing (‘welease wodger!’) and great performances from almost all involved. Palin was particularly good.

Lord of the Rings. God I loved those movies! Brilliant, epic, technically amazing film-making that finally did justice to top 10 favourite book(s) of all time. Loved the scope and the realism and use of CGI that you didn’t really notice because it was part of the story, not THE story.

Is that five? feels like it. Off for another single malt top up. Aah.

25 11 2010
Shirley

1. The Big Lebowski
2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
3. This is Spinal Tap
4. Rear Window
5. Punch Drunk Love

Just on the outside are Raising Arizona, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Adaptation, The Conversation, The Graduate, District 9… I’ll stop now.

25 11 2010
Chairman Miaow

Loved Big Lebowski and confession time… I have never seen Spinal Tap… no excuse really, just somehow missed it.

25 11 2010
Shirley

That happens. I only saw The Graduate fairly recently. Still, I implore you to see it as soon as possible. Promise you’ll like it.

25 11 2010
SD

The Graduate is indeed very good.

25 11 2010
Chairman Miaow

I have a sneaking love for Mrs Robinson, the S&G version and the Lemonheads, but have never seen the movie. Hoffman looks so bloody young, and such an unlikely pants man in the posters/pics!
I will make a note to rent it soon.

25 11 2010
Shirley

I meant you should watch Spinal Tap, but yes, you should also watch The Graduate. Hoffman is f*cking sexy in that movie. Very sexy. I was gobsmacked, to be honest.

25 11 2010
SD

I thought the actress was lovely.

She was lovely in Butch Cassidy too.

25 11 2010
Chairman Miaow

You know, how many GOOD f$ckin songs have come from movie sound tracks? I’m kind of surprised now that I think about it.

Knocking on Heaven’s Door
Mrs Robinson

…hmm, well I can only think of two, so I’ll shut up and go to bed.

25 11 2010
SD

This probably makes me a f*ckwit libtard, SBS snob etc etc:

Jules et Jim
Far from Heaven
In the Mood for Love
Badlands
Diary of a Country Priest

Not my top 5 but the first 5 I thought of.

25 11 2010
Chairman Miaow

My favourite SBS/Lib ponce movie: Chocolat

25 11 2010
Shirley

I never remember the names of the SBSesque movies I like, but I saw one about a man who shaved off his moustache and no one noticed and he went crazy. It was ace.

25 11 2010
SD

La Moustache.

The Beat that my Heart Skipped is a verry good French flick.

25 11 2010
Shirley

Of course!

25 11 2010
SD

If you mean the Johnny Depp one, that is rubbish.

To be a proper ponce and intellectual and all, you have to diss that one and say “I thought you meant the Claire Denis film”.

25 11 2010
p'bee

goodbye lenin! is a great sbs/foreign language movie. as is run lola run.

25 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

1. The Empire Strikes Back
The only one George Lucas didn’t direct and it shows…

2. Harvey
The man who has an invisible 6ft 3 1/4 inch rabbit as a friend…brilliant acting by Jimmy Stewart

3. Clerks
Before the Viewaskewinverse went to the toilet…

4. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
Clint Eastwood at his best..

5. Singin In the Rain
If not for the dancing talents of Gene Kelly, then the legs of Cyd Charisse…

25 11 2010
Shirley

Roadside Prophets should be in there. Maybe instead of Punch Drunk Love.

26 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Eternal Sunshine confused me, I think I will need to try it again as everyone else loves it but I found it too clever for it’s own good

25 11 2010
p'bee

don’t know about a top 5 but nosferatu (original 1922 silent version) is probably my favourite movie of all time.

25 11 2010
StKildaGirl

Yes p’bee Nosferatu is one I will always remember.

25 11 2010
Chairman Miaow

It is good. Genuinely wee your pants scary stuff.

Shaun of The Dead, another goody. Not wee your pants good though.

25 11 2010
martin

I’m pretty mainstream and a bit bogan with my choices I suppose:

1. Heat
2. Taxi Driver
3. Zulu
4. Casino
5. The Matrix

Yeah I like De Niro he’s cool. King Of Comedy can be number 6. Scarface was amazing but mentioning it is too trite and bogan now. I saw The Matrix again a year or two ago and it has not aged well imo.

I’ve only seen a few SBS libtard french movies, one I liked was “Barbarians at the gates”. “Irreversible” was erm, interesting, and the guy who made Irreversible’s first movie sucked. “I stand alone” or something.

Someone recommend me some French movies. If you say Amelie I’ll glass you.

26 11 2010
SD

Not Amelie – or any of the lame French comedies that come out from time to time – and get remade by Hollywood. Or lame French relationship stuff.

It depends.

Early Godard is good. Breathless, Bande A Part and the like. Bresson is good but it is very arthouse. Some of Depardieu’s early movies like Lulu are good. There’s the more social/political recent ones like Hate, The Prophet, The Class etc. There’s the Red/White/Blue trilogy and The Double Life of Veronique.

The Beat that my Heart Skipped is good and less arthouse. There’s Betty Blue though this one has heaps of relaxed sexual mores a la the French.

There’s a few funny/absurd ones like La Moustache, Harry he’s here to Help etc.

The Piano Teacher has a great performance from Isabelle Huppert – but it touches on female sexual perversity in a non-Hollywood way so may not be to everyone’s taste.

There’s heaps more – I watch too many French movies – they don’t bludgeon you like Hollywood. Pity they don’t get handed out with papers here as in the UK.

26 11 2010
SD

PS: I am not sure if some of these are on DVD, I used to belong to a film club which is where I saw a fair few.

Isn’t there a French film festival here? Maybe they screen a few.

26 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Cool I love lists

1) Clockwork Orange – Still makes people walk out the cinema.
2) Lawrence of Arabia – Takes you somewhere else and is utterly timeless
3) Braindead – The ultimate splatter comedy
4) The Wild Bunch – Set the scene for modern action
5) Dr Strangelove – Fiercely funny and Peter Sellers playing 3 characters.

26 11 2010
Shirley

I like your list Simon. Particularly 1, 3 and 5.

26 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Thanks Shirl, we are people of taste.

26 11 2010
v'visexxxion

Top 5 films – tricky….I’ll pick by genre/mood.

1. Scary – “Halloween” – I love them all, but the first was the best and the sequel is a rare example of a good sequel too.

2. Tits and Giggles – “Elvira Mistress of The Dark” – seminal film (pun intended). “Everybody grab a tool and start banging”. What more needs to be said.

3. Emotional Raping – “Dancer in the Dark” – too much for a 3D television.

4.Foreign – “Machine Girl” – Japanese crazy gore fest at it’s finest. The driller bra is this seasons must have fashion accessory. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1A0nv5wtVbE

5. Mockumentary “Best In Show” – “We have so much in common, we both love soup and snow peas, we love the outdoors, and talking and not talking. We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about”

26 11 2010
Tombarina

I’ve been waiting for someone to nominate Best In Show – should have known it would be your discerning self.

“Peanut. Hazelnut. Cashew nut. Macadamia nut. Pine nut, which is a nut, but it’s also the name of a town. Pistachio nut. Red pistachio nut. Natural, all natural white pistachio nut…”

Long-term effects include never again referring to a weimeraner as anything other than a ‘Busy Bee dog’, feeling grateful that you were “brought up among catalogues” and comforting kids with: “I’ll gouge your right eye out with my thumb, I $h!t you not, you little freak.”

For what it’s worth, in no particular order, I’ll also add:

From Dusk Til Dawn
Unforgiven
Pan’s Labyrinth
Let The Right One In

26 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Thanks Viv,

Have not seen 2. Bjork is very cool if slightly mad and anything the Guest does is genius. I should have been able to squeeze The Muppet Movie in as well.

26 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Pan’s is awesome Tomba, shame he is not doing The Hobbit movies.

26 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

And I need to see Machine Girl now!

26 11 2010
v'visexxxion

Tomabarina, Pan’s Labyrinth is brilliant.
And Simon I also recommend Tokyo Gore Police and have just discovered this film, which I am yet to see – all made by the same good folks as The Machine Girl. Presenting “RoboGeisha”

26 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

You’ve probably seen this but for anyone who has not shootouts don’t come any better.

26 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

God damn it, I got the embed code, copy and pasted and still did not work. I am severely technically challenged. What am I doing wrong?

26 11 2010
brad

sorry to butt in but im a sucker for these lists(bogan streak) top 5 is hard but iv gone for a genre spread too,scarey,comedy,war,mockumentary,action/drama

The Omen
Life of Brian(i know its everyones favourite and i was going to say Revenge of The Nerds Trilogy but its just so f#$kin funny)
Platoon
Man bites Dog(covers foreign too clever heh)
High Plains Drifter

26 11 2010
Shirley

I’d forgotten about Man Bites Dog. Great film.

26 11 2010
v'visexxxion

Man Bites Dog is brilliant , and it came out before Natural Born Killers too. I’ll have to track down a copy and watch it again, its been years.

25 11 2010
chubbybloodfart

I guess my favourite biting insect would be the March Fly.
it’s a nasty fucking bite, but there’s no lingering sting afterward, like a mosquito or midgie. The main reason I like them is they are dopey big bastards, so quite easy to kill. I get a lot of satisfaction out of scoring some back. They’re a bit slow too, so if you’re so inclined you can catch them and torture them; pull one wing off, tie them down with cotton, stick grass spears up their arse.
that sort of thing.
but I don’t do that anymore.

25 11 2010
Chairman Miaow

Something to teach the sprog Chub. It’s a lifelong skill.

25 11 2010
chubbybloodfart

Bottom!
Gold!
there was that “four men in a car” thing…

25 11 2010
Tombarina

Hey, BattlersPrince – waiting for your review of Warnie’s new show.

I’m advised it included James Packer, Chris Martin, Merv Hughes, Pink, a Minogue and a joke about crushed nuts.

Landmark television.

25 11 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

The saddest part was that I really admired Shane Warne as a kid.

It was my dad’s dream to sire the first Australian cricketer of Indian descent (since Usman Khawaja is Pakistani he still thinks he’s got a shot with my brother), but since I was too scrawny to bowl fast and didn’t have the hand-eye coordination for batting or keeping, I had to become a spinner. Naturally, Warnie became my idol. I spent hours in the backyard trying to perfect his spin tricks (With very little success) before I basically said “fark this carnt” at 14 and got into bongs and surfing.

25 11 2010
SD

Judging by the Punch post on it, most people were far too blinded by his veneers to notice anything.

25 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Warnie: An Observation
By TheBattlersPrince (Esq.)

The latest (and only) offering from the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact of the 21st Century (S.K. Warne and the Nein Network), “Warnie” begins with an awkward montage of it’s bleached (or is it beached?) host engaging in his various fields of endeavour: fist pumping as he drives down the road (a green screen job) in a flashy convertible, bending over a poker table with ladies on each arm, attending to the backyard BBQ while intercepting a wayward cricket ball. It sets a nice tone for any interested Bogan viewer to settle in and achieve some sort of empathic viewing connection…

“How good is this?” the first words uttered by it’s host. Well, Shane, much as expected to be honest. Somehow he’s managed to make a cricket version of Channel Nein’s Footy Show (AFL, NRL, take your pick, they’re both equally as bad), and that’s as good as it sounds, which is not very good at all…

The James Packer interview stood as a soapbox as to how awesome his father Kerry was and what he did for cricket in this country. Blah blah blah, talk about blowing the Packer trumpet. If I had a dollar for each name drop…

The Chris Martin interview was much in the same light, only much stranger. Both seemed to be in awe of each other and a lot of back slapping ensued. If I had a dollar for each name drop….

It’s important to mention that Warnie pops up in every second advertisement during the breaks, from flogging Maccas products to having his skull zapped by lasers supplied by Advanced Hair (yeah yeah).

Pink also makes an obligatory appearance, much like other ‘musicians’ do on radio promos (“Hey, this is P!nk/Hey this is Jon Bon Jovi/Hey this is Miley Cyrus). Alas, it’s only for 5 seconds and she probably has no idea who “Warnie” is (although with the amount of time she spends in Australia, I’m sure this will change). “We love ya tunes!” calls out Warnie, echoing the sentiment of the bogan horde that has tuned in to tune out…

Former England Cricket Captain David “Bumble” Lloyd chips in by spinning a few warries; I’m sure it would have been funny if I could have deciphered his ridiculous Lancastrian accent…there was something about nuts and that’s all I got really.

An added bonus was the inclusion of “classic” 12th Man (Billy Birmingham) sketches being portrayed by men in rubber face masks, akin to those Richard Nixon masks criminals use to hide their identity when they rob a bank, or in this case, precious moments of this viewer’s life that cannot be taken back…

The Warnie of 25 years ago, Merv Hughes makes an appearance in a street talk segment, berating local Melbournians and picking on fat, blonde kids who share a resemblance to Warne, only because they’re blonde and fat.

My report ends here cause I lost interest very quickly once my girlfriend came home, disappointed she couldn’t get through to Aung San Suu Kyi, due to a dodgy internet connection (no NBN in Burma I assume).

In conclusion, “Warnie” isn’t car crash television…it’s Chernobyl: catastrophic, confusing as learning Ukranian and deserves to be buried in a concrete sarcophagus…

25 11 2010
martin

I watched a bit of it. I saw James Packer who stated that the world doesn’t owe anyone a living. I hate it when people say that. Especially from people who are worth 6 billion or so and had it handed to them for nothing. I put that in the ‘harden the f@ck up’ category.

I don’t like Coldplay but I thought his interview was reasonably interesting, he’s got charisma I’ll give him that.

25 11 2010
martin

I’m sorry to say, in comparison to all the other garbage on TV it wasn’t too bad. I expect to see it have a fairly long run.

25 11 2010
Chairman Miaow

Superb review; you’ve caught the undoubted flavour of TV generated by committee (what about a cross-section of footy show, that Denton bloke on ABC and all fronted by Warnie guys? Yup! Job done…lunch?).

My bet? Ratings winner.

25 11 2010
Pandabater

TBL # 197- Spreading Knowledge

The Ashes has started. This is great news for the bogan as it has been 2 long months since the end of the footy season & he again has the chance to spew warm mid-strength beer & mildly racist taunts at the opposition team & their supporters.

With the retirement of Warnie the bogan now only has one chant left (aussie, aussie aussie etc) & this leaves plenty of time for the other great love of the sporting bogan, being the armchair expert.

The recent Commonwealth Games provided the bogan with countless opportunities to regale one and all with his unassailable knowledge of such sports as gymnastics, the 20km walk & the incredible intricacies of lawn bowls. Of course the official judges don’t know shit & his 2 year old daughter Epsilon could do a better job than these clowns.

And now despite having never inserted a box into his trousers the bogan can sit down for the next 3 months & elucidate to all within earshot why Ricky Ponting is a dickhead & would definitely have had a fielder at silly-mid-on to catch that miss-hit from Kevin Pietersen.

After spending the summer fixing the problem with new bogan hero Mitch Johnson’s bowling action the bogan can relax & remind himself that his next assignment, The US Masters golf is only a few short weeks away.

25 11 2010
Tombarina

Excellent work, Panda.

Lest we forget, the sheer extent of the bogan’s knowledge is exceeded only by its generosity in sharing it with unwilling and unwitting passersby.

And versatile – as you so rightly pointed out, this is a busy period for the sportbogue.

The Four Nations Rugby League has only just finished, thus now qualifying as a summer sport.

The cricket goes on foreeeevvvvveeerrrrrr, but the bogan must also focus on golf, the Oz open (which it also may attend with a pack of it’s pissed mates, all wearing the same side-splittingly amusing costumes), and the upcoming rugby world cup, which I’ve already been advised will be a “cluster&%ck” because the Kiwis couldn’t organise a root in a brothel.

The bogan knows this as a absolutely real scientific FACT because when it went skiing in Un Zud a few months ago, it could just TELL that nothing was ready. That’s why Australia will end up hosting most of the matches. Fact. Apparently.

25 11 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

Not reserved for bogans though.

My father and two uncles are about as far from bogan as they come, but put a game of cricket on TV with a couple of nearby couches and alcohol (wine for my dad, beer for uncles) and they’ll be giving opinions on every ball, shot played by the batsman, field placing, umpiring decision and (more recently) player tattoos.

28 11 2010
Edward

Would anyone actually call their child Epsilon ? I would presume that anyone who has read “Brave New World” would avoid doing so for obvious reasons, but failing this mightn’t everyone else find it a little too outre ?

28 11 2010
p'bee

i think the biggest issue is the spelling isn’t bogan enough. spell it eppzyllorne though…

25 11 2010
chubbybloodfart

nice one panda!
🙂
we note that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

chubbybloodfart thoroughly endorses golf.
Golf is rock.
Simon I’m gonna call you out when we get home and drag you around the Blackwood track.
but golf, like cycling or mixed martial arts is something you do not something you watch.

…and No! You can’t wear your spiderman suit.

25 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I golf Chubs. Not very well or often. I shall wear my tartan plus 4’s. Then we will bike race up Mt Lofty. Should take about 25 mins. Ok?

5 12 2010
Mick

I play golf and would very much like to tag along with you jokers.

I can tell you about the brawl between our playing group and a bunch of bogans on the fifth fairway. Good times.

8 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Are you in Adelaide Mick?

26 11 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

I’ve figured it out.

#200 has to be Warney.

There’s precedent for naming a bogan icon for a big number (Fevola at #100) and no bogan icon is bigger than Warney.

Plus, he’s back in the news with his show…it’s too easy, TBL.

26 11 2010
Dgusten

I totally agree.

Initially Shane Warne went without saying – he didn’t need to be on the TBL list cos it was just implied he was there.

But with the TV “show”, he’s gotta get on it now. 854,000 people can’t be wrong… oh wait, yes they totally can.

26 11 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

Makes me wish I had never bought that Shane Warne Spin Bowling Kit as a young whippersnapper.

26 11 2010
Shirley

I bought one of those as an xmas gift for one of my brothers.

26 11 2010
martin

I think he knows he’s a bogan, and has always been a bogan, so therefore isn’t so much of a bogan. If we’re talking cricketers I think people like “pup”, oh god, and the leader of the cricketers, are far more bogan, because they think they have class, yet they are the anti-christ to class.

1 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

waaay too late
apart from all the brilliant cinema already mentioned,
can I add
Brazil
La Jetee
Lost in Translation
Delicatessen
Bad Santa

1 12 2010
chubbybloodfart

…and simon,
bike race is no drama.
you take your avanti,
I’ll take my ducati
😉

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Pedal power only dude. I did it twice last night for practice and took 8 minutes off my best time.

1 12 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I’m losing weight for summer!

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