Friday Bachelor of Bogan (BBo)

19 11 2010

Happy Friday y’all. Bring all firing synapses to the frontal cortex to process the fierce boganic challenges with which we today present you.

1) The findings of a new study suggesting that everyone has psychic powers has prompted the bogan to:

  1. Consult its daily horoscope for further guidance
  2. Plough an unusually large amount of bogan bucks into lottery tickets
  3. Believe it won’t continue to make the same mistakes over and over again
  4. Type an inane quip in the comments box at the bottom of the article

2)  The royal wedding is something something:

  1. Whatever
  2. Probably
  3. Not very likely
  4. You’re a dick, Kyle Sandilands

3) TBL has discovered:

  1. The worst thing in the world
  2. The worst thing in the world
  3. The worst thing in the world
  4. The worst thing in the world

4) Bogans everywhere were fascinated by an argument between:

  1. Israel and Palestine over Israeli settlements
  2. Prince William and Kate Middleton over inviting the in-laws
  3. Brynne and Geoffery Edelsten over public announcements of plastic surgery
  4. Natalie Imbruglia and Guy Sebastian over that Altiyan dick

5) ‘Our’ Portia De Rossi recently refused to be interviewed by Sunrise host, David Koch because:

  1. She was making an important sociological point about homosexuality
  2. She’s a Degenerate Degeneres
  3. Kochie is a man
  4. Kochie is a dick

6) With interest rates tipped to rise further, the bogan is likely to:

  1. Deleverage
  2. Be glad to avoid the erosion of the real value of its income that unexpected inflation would cause
  3. Take advantage of higher deposit rates by saving
  4. Complain more loudly

7) Clairgate Public School’s decision to reimburse Debrah Daldy’s for her daughter’s $300 specialist lice treatment after she came home with lice for the 12th time this year:

  1. Sets a dangerous precedent where payments for medical treatments could be extended to communicable illnesses such as chickenpox, measles and gastro.
  2. Shows that the Education Department’s nit policy is defective.
  3. BLOODY GOVERNMNET!!!! What a waste of MY TAXES!!!!
  4. Yes, this article is really about the Department of Education’s nit policy.

Thank you, and Të kenë një fundjavë të bukur.


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128 responses

19 11 2010
laurenbee

Im still stunned at celebrity4aday…..

There are no words…. Im just rocking back & forth in my corner until that memory is repressed

19 11 2010
p'bee

oh my god kill it now.

19 11 2010
Tombarina

Disappointed, TBL – my newly-unearthed psychic powers indicated The Block 2010 would score a gurnsey this week.

In Boguania, the pending nuptials of The Block’s shrill orange harpie and her monosyllabic beau outrank those of a pair of Pommie bastards; speculation over the final sale price is far more important than interest rates; and there have apparently been continual arguments between contestants.

I know this, because events too traumatic to discuss forced me to watch this televisual skidmark last week, and I’m now hooked. Perhaps mercifully, there’s only one episode to go.

*sadface*

19 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

*glasses tomba for her own good*

19 11 2010
Tombarina

*phones Slater & Gordon*

19 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

*leaves for fitness bootcamp in Thailand*

19 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

In bogan of the week we have a contender from Alice Springs.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/11/17/3068993.htm?section=justin

So a dude dies jumping off a bridge and to comemorate his passing all his friends are also going to jump off the same bridge!?

My mum used to say just coz everyone else jumps off a bridge does not mean you have to. In Alice apparently it does. This more eloquently expresses the bogan mentality than I could ever hope to.

I have been a bit tied up this week so any other submissions for bogan of the week will be welcome.

19 11 2010
chris

A tad off-topic, but seeing how glassing is on the agenda early, I’m nominating Nelson Mandela as BOTW.

That’s some handy work with the bottle, Mr M.

19 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Got to accept that nomination Chris.

Is there something else going on I have not been invited to?

19 11 2010
chris

Dunno. Strict observance of POETS day, maybe.

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

…there was a planet in The Hitch-Hiker’s guide to the galaxy where everyone beame psychic overnight due to a passing comet or somesuch. Anyway whole planet goes to hell because everyone can read eachother’s minds. Inhabitants learned to hide their thoughts and saved their civilisation by maintaining a constrant stream of banal or inane (I can’t remember which) chatter.
there’s something relevant in there somewhere.
i can’t quite dig it out just now…

Douglas Adams was gr8

19 11 2010
Brimstone

yeah that’s pretty accurate
a typical way to block psychic powers in sci-fi/fantasy is to repeat a nonsense phrase to yourself

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

…Just with regard to questions 2 & 5…
I actually answered that Kyle and Koshie were dicks.
I know both may be wrong in the context of the questions posed, but I still feel I should be entitled to half marks or something?
koshie and kyle are Dicks.

19 11 2010
urbanreverie

Ju keni një fundjavë të mrekullueshme shumë, TBL, dhe mund të Bogans me collars popped dhe flokë shumë më shumë gënjeshtër të qëndrojnë larg nga të brendshme të qytetit bare tuaj të preferuar.

19 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Smart arse Albanians.

19 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

http://ourlatinamerica.blogspot.com/2010/11/chilean-porn-to-focus-on-rescued-miners.html

Hey Hel and Viv, this carnt is stealing our ideas. We have better titles though.

19 11 2010
T-Mac

No mention of Pink’s future bogan spawn?

19 11 2010
Werdna

Don’t worry, future femmebogue magazines will devote one half to baby Phyncq!, and the other half to the “royal wedding”.

19 11 2010
Troy

No way that “Celebrity 4 a day” is real. No way. It can’t be.

19 11 2010
Brimstone

i want to be famous
but i want to be famous for doing something
anything, but something

19 11 2010
martin

I want to be rich. But I want to be rich for doing nothing.

21 11 2010
Sten

Too right, Martin.

Give me Slack or kill me!

19 11 2010
Rudolf_Belka

Go film your own sex tape and leak it. There loophole escaped.

19 11 2010
Pandabater

F^ck Tom Cruise, that pile of turgid sh!t War of the Worlds scarred me so badly I haven’t been back to the movies since.

19 11 2010
SHazza

A classic piece of sci-fi literature in 19th century setting that was completely fucked by Spielberg. It was gonna be scary and I am glad that I have held fast to refusing to sullying my retinas on Steven Spielberg’s WOTW.

Poor old HJ Wells. I am sure that a blockbuster for bogan movie audiences was NOT what he had in mind.

More than happy to treat my auditory organs to Jeff Wayne’s version!

19 11 2010
brad

Why dont you go and check out “War of the Worlds 2” a most excellent film

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

bogan sychronicty moment
commodore ute
personalised plate: RIJIDIJ
chevrolet badge

maybe he’s just being ironic.

19 11 2010
chris

how about some haiku, chub….

Cronulla riots
brough to you by Triple M
and Bundaberg Rum

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

I dig to Haiku,
something about syllables.
Ooh Look! A Birdie.

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

bogans rioting
For plasma telly bonus.
turn on the gas taps.

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

chevrodore dreaming,
and performing the stranger,
the bogan at rest.

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

my bogan mother’s
attention deficit spawn
needs little prodding.

19 11 2010
chris

stuck in the salt mines
TBL helps keep me sane
bad haiku this is

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

shirl can do haiku
and tombarina as well.
but my chops are tops!

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

lol
Haiku Slam!

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

this is Zen haiku
counting words on my fingers
The Stonecutter smiles.

19 11 2010
chris

Southern Vales vino
has impaired my haiku skills
this ain’t over, Chub

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

work is the demon
still just a rat in a cage
(despite all my rage)

21 11 2010
chris

imprisoned rodents
cry: hail billy, full of angst
save us from bogans

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

ah mclaren vale
where chubby and edna wed.
Tahitian Lime blossoms.

(yes, I know. but it’s prettier this way)

19 11 2010
chris

vows among the vines
(I’ll let you off this time, Chub)
fine place to get hitched

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

it’s vandalism!
that’s what he’s done.
ev’ry damn friday!

19 11 2010
chris

glued to the ‘puta
awash in ones and zeros
Glen Beck is a tool

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

what is a glenn beck?
some kind of celebrity?
take solace in beer.

19 11 2010
chris

Yank right-wing gobshyte
object of Jon Stewart’s scorn
Bible-bashing fool

19 11 2010
p'bee

fox news uber dick
massive messiah complex
cries ten times a show

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

oops in wine refuge.
dont mix your drinks this p.m.
sick saturdays bite.

19 11 2010
chris

advice comes too late
the Chateau Thames Embankment
has blurred my vision

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

damn phone is dying
News time now (SBS, natch).
thanks for the playdate.

i’d like to finish with this:

Stupid bogan c*nts
you should glass your f*cking selves.
waste of oxygen.

19 11 2010
Wayne

Someone tell that kid’s mum that nits taste like chocolate …
I think you’ll find they come back in a few days because the next batch of eggs hatch. Stop watching Deal or No Deal and comb the bloody eggs out.

19 11 2010
JimmmyMick

Hey, where’s the link for the Edelstens?

We were channelsurfing last night while giving our 23month old daughter her nightly milkbottle, and couldn’t stop watching the car crash which is Brynne and Geoffrey Edelsten.

19 11 2010
Tombarina

I have drunk some wine
Bogan hordes give me the $hits
I hate their music.

If the dick next door
Doesn’t stop playing Coldplay
Think I’ll glass the $#(&

Why does my neighbour
Need to service his jetskis
When I want to chill

This Christmas I will
Buy his girlfriend some pants that
Eclipse her tiny bum

Think I’ll have some more
Wine that makes the bloke next door
Disappear from mind

Chub and Edna, I’m
Quaffing a nice Marg-a-ret
River sem-sauv-blanc

I choose to drink this
In tribute to you two guys
And because I’m cheap
x

19 11 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

We found Swan Valley
chenin blanc a nice surprise.
and easy to drink!

Margaret River.
Itinerary: more wine.
Big Sleep-In Sunday.
x

19 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

James May. Role model
Not bogan. Rennaisance Lad.
I Love You James May

20 11 2010
martin

F#cken bogan coights
They always wear shorts
They think they’re so tough
But they’re just a pack of c#nts

20 11 2010
Tone

Celeb for a day
Now has a broken website
Our work here is done

(no really … it IS broken … ‘bandwidth limit exceeded’ as I type)

20 11 2010
Denise

Am I a bogan if I don’t know how to blog or tweet? Does the ability to do so make one a bogan? Just testing Tone, to see if this thing works. Do bogan’s like butterflys?

Ironheel

20 11 2010
Denise

Forgot to tick the boxes. Aaaarrrghhhh, I’m a bogan.

20 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I see what happens
When I look the other way
Barossa Shiraz

20 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

bogan celeb dreams
exceeding capacity.
CERNE hub meltdown.

20 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

or is it just
C.E.R.N. ?

try this

Tim Berners Lee job
never envisioned such
Bogue rapcacity.

same thing.

20 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

watchword: “vigilance”
Esteemed Glasser at Arms.
would you like a toke?

20 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

acerbic martin
invents the maXtreme haiku.
“f#ck the rules!” quoth he.

20 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

I could go all day,
but it’s time to relocate.
Chub! Leave it alone.

20 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

Deep Dive Corp. “Jazz Talk”
brutal psychedelic bass.
(edna in the show’r)

20 11 2010
Pandabater

Stop it stop it now
you’ll go blind if you don’t, but
stranger twice as nice

20 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

Hail! Saviour of Cane.
you write some funny sh!t dude!
Die! Black and White Bears

20 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Chubs and Edna in Margarets
Avoid the forest ferals
Drink Brownhill get zen

20 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

giant westfield hub
bogan droves melt plastic cards.
get me outta here!

20 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

KFC, Hungry Jacks
LiquorLand, Harvey Norman.
get self esteem here.

20 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

edit.
Toys R Us, Hungry Jacks,
Liquorland, Harvey Norman.
get self esteem here.

much better

20 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

not a haiku.

back to bogan synchronicity moments.
black commo ute, southern cross sticker.
personalised plates: H82BA4D.

that’s “Hate to be a Ford”
prob’ly cos he knows fords are american.
clever boy
do chevrolet make a ford?.

20 11 2010
Pandabater

Three years interest free
bogan fool thinks tv free
GE plants new money tree

21 11 2010
Sten

Saw this at JB:
Sixty months interest-free…
BOGAN SHOPPING SPREE!

20 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

roofline to bound’ry
breeder box mcmans-i-ons
choke on my exhaust

20 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Chubs and Edna
For Gastronomic Delight
Visit Wills Domain

Cool a luncheon recomendation for Margaret River in Haiku

20 11 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Haiku Prize for Saturday…

goes to…
Martin!

F#cken bogan coights
They always wear shorts
They think they’re so tough
But they’re just a pack of c#nts

For reinventing the Haiku and bringing it screaming into 21st century relevance.
I have no idea what you set out to do Chief, but it was hysterical.
Still Laughing.

21 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Good call Edna, second is Chubbys to Panda. I am still giggling at that one. Martin cares nothing for libtard rules.

21 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Shirl tries Chilli porn
An athletic position
Damn wrist broken now!

22 11 2010
Shirley

Hehehe. Nice work Simon. I like it. I like them all. Clever funny poppets. Sorry I missed the fun. Right up my alley!

21 11 2010
martin

Oh. Thank you. 🙂 Seems I haven’t improved since year 9, the last time I wrote anything resembling poetry. Hmm, except maybe for assonance. I used assonance there. Yay.

21 11 2010
chris

bejaysus, you people have gone beserk (in a good way)

vine branches give shade
sunday morn tranquility
coffee, insiders

(damn you espresso, why did you have to have three syllables?)

21 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

slightly hungover.
(Impromptu DJ battle.)
bacon and eggs please

21 11 2010
brad

shopping centre santa
christmas in november
picture taken

21 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Don Spiderman suit
Ride Adelaide hills with mate
Oh god the hills hurt

21 11 2010
chris

norton summit run
a bad lactic acid trip
find your pain cave, bitch

21 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at arms

Nice, didn’t do Norton today, found a few longer and meaner climbs instead.

21 11 2010
chris

‘s ok. I’d run out of breath driving up there right now.

21 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

self deprecation
a noble virtue simon.
you crazy bastard.

going back to bed
drinking too much plonk lately.
exercise next week.

21 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I like bandwagons
Brain lumpen from bad TV
Bogan c@nt die now

21 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

agressive punter
on virgin flight from bali
holidays in cell.

21 11 2010
chris

flight centre special
became an expensive way
to get bintang shirt

21 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

LOL something, something.
manse chauffeur google google
couldn’t pay phone bill?

21 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Edna Focke Witte rules
Woman of taste and valor
Must wipe husbands chin

How’s that Chubs?

21 11 2010
brad

lycra convoy
mt dangdenong tourist rd
glass the carnts

22 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Collingwood fan here
A dentists wet dream soon come
The bill is too big

21 11 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

aww, thank you simon
Thank you’s in haiku are hard
you spiderman, you

21 11 2010
chris

fat petrolhead fool
in your shiny chevrodore
get a clue, bogan

21 11 2010
chris

i pay petrol tax
you don’t own the road, numbnuts
educate yourself

21 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

stop wiping my chin!
jesus woman, what’s the deal?
is there some wine left?

21 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

huffing deisel fumes,
lycra sweat yeast infection.
aaah, that’s the life boys.

21 11 2010
martin

craving anal,
mince meat and internet will suffice,
ponzi please keep going.

whine to government,
news ltd beacon,
entitled to more money than professional.

How’s that for haiku chubby? Is that haiku?

21 11 2010
brad

too many sillibles marty

21 11 2010
martin

Yeah that’s it. Too many syllables I suppose. It probably has to sound a bit softer.

21 11 2010
Tombarina

Femmebogue in hot pants
Bent to pick up scattered change.
Oh, my bleeding eyes.

If your gynae-ob
Can do pap smear WHILE YOU’RE DRESSED
Your shorts are too short

21 11 2010
brad

femmebougue in hot pants
footy trip weekend
anal

21 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

if Martin says so,
then it’s a bloody haiku!
Good haiku Martin.

21 11 2010
martin

Thanks Chubs. I’ve enjoyed yours and everyone else’s haiku over the last few days.

21 11 2010
Tombarina

I wish I hadn’t had to write the last one. But t’was a horrid experience, and I needed to vent.

Agree re fun reading of Festival’o’Haiku, though – I’ve thoroughly enjoyed.

21 11 2010
martin

Ouch, rotten.com stuff. Poor you.

21 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

Gin & Tonic time…
I just can’t face it today.
Ah, sweet sacred herb.

21 11 2010
martin

Poor bogan,
surrounded by gentiles,
pride to the death.

Must carry on,
learn next generation,
another cigarette.

I say this one because I saw this crappy weatherboard bogan house with bogans out the front of it in this fairly upmarket area, an oldish commie with mags and the spoiler, and two really old really nicely done up old holdens like an hq or something. The cars were definitely worth more than the house.

21 11 2010
Tombarina

Like the morons who fit out a $500 bomb with a $3k sound system with fully sick subwoofers.

Although they’re probably stolen.

21 11 2010
martin

Yeah the commie had the token paint scratches/discolouration in areas. The hq was shiny enough to be on a showroom floor.

21 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

pap smear thru hot pants.
new internet sensation.
bogans do Stranger.

21 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

I love HQ’s and old F’s and E’s. I maintain an enduring love for (certain) Commo’s. The VB commodore and the Suzuki Katana were released about the year I turned thirteen. Both are burned firmly into my automotive lust. Saw some stinking filthpig sodhogs stickering a cherry VB in geraldton. I wanted to murder them but Edna said we were running late and didn’t have time to get rid of the bodies.
Of course that’s bullshit. She just wanted to torture them for a while and knew we didn’t have room in the car.

21 11 2010
martin

Me too. I like the VL commodore as well. Then I guess the 90s was pretty bad for commies. I’m want to get a VE commodore in the future. I reckon they look pretty good.

21 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

stolen subwoofer,
mags on GE. Chevvy badge.
A bogan coffin.

21 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

femmebogue in hot pants
calls up slater and gordon.
“Bitch wax’d off my clit!”

21 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

the VE is kinda sex huh? I maintain a soft spot for 90’s VR/VS. probably just sheer relief at the demise of that poxy squared off rear wheel arch.

21 11 2010
brad

femmebogue in hotpants
commodore vb
vd

21 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

edna sunset lit
beauty stirs my heart my heart and loins.
whole life. wholly here.

21 11 2010
Maggie

Sundey nite hope springs eternal

playin’ the pokies
‘cos I know I’m a winner
‘cos I’m psychic ay

tell ’em to get fu**ed
when I ring work tomorrer
to quit cos I’m rich

21 11 2010
Sten

Ha! I’ve just finished work and that description fits to a T!

21 11 2010
brad

dapto dogs
horoscope says 4/5/2/1
no lunch for kids

21 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

f#ckin’ BAM!
that’s yo haiku Bitches! damn, thats got yr japanese, yr english traditions…
any one spot the reference to spring? Huh?
No! ‘cos I got that sh!t up in tha
mot#erfu#king FLAVA!
yeah, now you gets it
damn!
that’s f#ckin Zen right there.
Boooyiiii!

21 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

oh no
i cocked it up.
see that?
thats hubris. bitches

edna sunset lit.
beauty, stirs my heart and loins.
whole life. wholly here.

22 11 2010
dazza

Nits article is classic.
This mum suggests policy is wrong because, other parents dont know their kids have nits because they cant read (english) the note sent home from school 😦
note the obligatory misspelling of her childs name….

child has nits
other parents cannot read
policy is wrong

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