#193 – Fitness Bootcamp

15 11 2010

The bogan clamps its jaws around a thrice-pattied Angusmaxxx burger and masticates fervently, savouring what it knows to be the finest cuisine available outside of the Masterchef kitchen. The bogan is feeling righteously decadent. It has earned the right to be ‘a little bit fancy’, and charge its digestive tract with the task of processing 60 grams of animal fat. It has earned this right by attending a one-hour Fitness Boot Camp this morning, for the first and possibly only time ever. 

It is no secret that the bogan’s attention flickers like an incorrectly-installed fluorescent globe. Two weeks ago, the bogan’s intermittent gaze was transfixed on the lithe fitness phantasm of Zumba. Now, it has switched to Boot Camp, and the appeal comes as no surprise to your resident Boganographers. The bogan is keen to find elaborate yet improbable shortcuts to things that require other people years of dedicated work to attain. The bogan sees Fitness Boot Camp as the five-session, after hours pottery course of elite fitness. The bogan has also often talked fondly about joining the army, but has never done it. Instead, the bogan has carried out its aggressive urges on the flouro-splattered field of paintball war, or in exacting glass-shattering revenge on its rivals outside the local glassing barn. The opportunity for the bogan to purchase a well-branded fitness service that allows it to briefly indulge its insincere military aspirations is an appealing opportunity indeed.

But in the war against the consequences of its own slovenliness, the bogan is constantly outgunned by the heavy artillery of the fast food industry. Always keen to find a devious route around genuine hard work, the bogan feels that Fitness Boot Camp represents its secret weapon in this war. But the bogan is dismayed to learn that, like most fitness crazes, Fitness Bootcamp involves heart-pumping, strenuous exercise, and is only going to be of marginal efficacy if not coupled with a sensible diet. To add insult to injury, the bogan has to withstand being shouted at by the fitness industry’s equivalent to Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket. The bogan customarily reacts to this sort of treatment with violence and/or going to ACA or Today Tonight, but after maxtreme bodily exertion, the enfeebled bogan can only mutter under its breath and swear never to return. As it turns out, the idea of building guns at bootcamp is far less appealing than shooting guns, but this realisation is far more likely to make the bogan desist than enlist.

Weeks pass after the solitary Boot Camp session, and the bogan’s fleeting feeling of righteousness has been suffocated under the crushing weight of umpteen thousand oil-saturated, salt-encrusted snacks. The guilt has become too much, and the bogan has begun scanning the horizon for a new way to attain Jason Statham’s physique in twenty minutes or less.  Meanwhile, a maniacal cackle rings out from the offices of a marketing company, as some young go-getter pitches the latest fitness craze: Xelebrity Prada Pump Angusise.


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112 responses

15 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. This is why I keep two PT’s on staff. PT stands for “Personal Trainer”, by the way.

15 11 2010
Tone

‘Boganographers’ … that is gold!

Will successful completion of a BBo entitle one to become a fully qualified Boganographer, or is there a short course at TAFE that would suffice?

15 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Yes. Any short course at TAFE would suffice.

15 11 2010
Zanzibar Murgatroyd

I too would like to add Boganographer to my resume. Just imagine………

Zanzibar Murgatroyd
Boganographer – PHD in Boganology

15 11 2010
chris

Living as I do in what is often known by locals as “the dirty south” of Adelaide, I want to claim RPL in Boganography.

15 11 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

Xelebrity Prada Pump Angusise – dont laugh, it is probably coming.

As Maxx Markxxon once said – “No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the Australian bogan.”

15 11 2010
Davo from sydney

Naturally, of course, the whole idea of army training is to break your independent thought down: the army cannot afford too many independent thinkers.. So the whole idea of being humiliated is counter-intuitive to free, non-military personnel.

Of course, since the bogan has never had an original thought in its life, I may be overanalysing this.

15 11 2010
Dan

Hahahaha, Right above the Facebook notification about this post is a notification that one of my bogan friends became a fan of Bootcamps Australia

15 11 2010
Fiona of Carlton

To be fair boot camp is great if you want to get fit rather than maintain.

It’s a shock to the system but they work you damn hard and in a few weeks you’ll be at a decent physical fitness level, something to hold you in good stead if you start working out regularly at the gym.

Boring and nerdy but true. This is one of those entries that should be “things-that-you-can-like-but-have-been-ruined-by-the-influx-of-bogan-love”

15 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Why hasn’t anyone picked up on this yet? I just saw it during the ad break for National Nein News…

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/entertainment/shane-warne-starts-filming-his-own-chat-show/story-e6frf96f-1225948864888

15 11 2010
Tone

Yep, because we all know how well he did on Top Gear Australia …

15 11 2010
Davo from sydney

Oh, god, wasn’t he awful? The show had a slight shot, and they bring that dickhead in, and, singlehandedly he kills it. It’s nowhere near as good as the British show (of course), and its pandering to the bogue was bound to damage it… but geez… Shane Warne: you destroyed cricket, and now television?

15 11 2010
chris

And he’s got his own god-awful line of shyte clothes in Target.

15 11 2010
martin

Part of the appeal of Top Gear is that the presenters are not bogans.

I guess we don’t have any people in TV who aren’t bogans.

15 11 2010
Sten

I liked the SBS incranation of Top Gear Australia… well, the second season anyway, after they’d stopped trying to straitjacket the Australian presenters into being analogues of their English counterparts. I thought Steve, Warren and James made an excellent team when allowed to be themselves.

Then Nein had to swoop in and ruin everything.

15 11 2010
Tone

Yep, Series 2 was the best. Series 3 has been mainly unwatchable, although Ewen has been growing on me.

15 11 2010
Sten

I don’t watch it, Tone. It’s on Nein.

15 11 2010
Sten

Saw that last night at work. It made me feel like opening my wrists. Where’s bloody John Safran when you need him?

16 11 2010
Bag O'Turnips

He’ll be out of the country this week, I believe, according to him on “Sunday Night Safran” on the Js. Unless I misheard something, confessing to be then in a greenish haze…

16 11 2010
Sten

Hmpf… just when the world needs his talents, too.

15 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

tl;dr
I was in the Army.
for quite a while too. Nearly six years.
they asked me to leave, something to do with a policeman and a great big bag of marijuana.
pity. I was quite good at it.
the Army that is.
Bogans always tell me they want to join the army. then they say one of two things: “but I couldn’t hack The Discipline” or “but only if I could be A Sniper”
point the first: The Discipline is self discipline. it turns out to be quite handy later in life. particularly with regard to things like personal fitness.
point the second: The Sniper fantasy. ibid self discipline. For example walking out of Lavarack Barracks in a hessian suit over Mt Stewart for twenty kilometres with nothing but a Parker-Hale, a water bottle and a note book to sit at a previously given grid loc beside a major road unobserved for sixteen hours sh!tting and pissing yourself and not eating to observe and record every trivial detail of every vehicle which passes and every plane which flies over before walking back home over mount stewart again. All this after putting down a thirty mil group at one thousand metres on a classification shoot three times.
big fun
anyway. PT (ie Physical Training) sessions in Basic Training (not Boot Camp) are conducted by the most vicious bastards ever to draw breath. PTI’s were once drawn from the Artillery Corps, but are now attached to the Medical Corps, most likely so they are in a better position to render aid to people they have run to death. By way of example; when I was in Not F#cking Boot Camp we would be priveleged to enjoy an alcoholic beverage on rare occasions. without exception these occasions were followed by an early a.m. PT session at which the object of the PTI’s was to run the whole platoon until everyone was vomiting. This is known as a “piss run”. Of course it is difficult to get thirty odd men to vomit simultaneously, so they’d generally stop once they got to about 75% of the group and then go climb some ropes!
where was I?
oh yes.
I heard recently the genteel folk of Manly were endeavouring to have these Boot Camp sessions banned. Apparently some tosser barking at a gang of tubbies along the Corso at six a.m. was disturbing their slumber.
Lucky they didn’t have to hose down vomit into the bargain.

15 11 2010
martin

So you can’t even take a shit a few metres away? You literally have to shit yourself?

I wanted to be an f-18 pilot when I was a kid. But then I decided I didn’t want to live in whoop whoop for 8 years. Plus I had discovered music and pot which in hindsight was a lot better than bombing arabs and stealing oil. Assuming I would have been good enough which is doubtful seeing as we only have about 80-90 fighter jets.

15 11 2010
Sten

“Plus I had discovered music and pot which in hindsight was a lot better than bombing arabs and stealing oil.”

Masterful summary there, Martin.

18 05 2015
powerlounge

Pretty much. You don’t want to waste 24-48 hours of recon only to miss your target to take a dump.

Or worse yet, give your position away.

15 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

I totally know where you’re coming from Chubster; I was in the Navy for a short while and the PTI’s were manic. Lucky I had an idea of what was to come: my old man was a Navy PTI and I had heard all the stories, met the people, etc etc. Fortunatley, he was one of the nice ones and had a good reputation.

Though when my mother told me he used to flip people out of bed (well, the mattress with the people on it) when they didn’t get up on time, I almost had second thoughts.

In some ways, it was a double edged sword for me when I joined up sharing the same surname as my father; a lot of people knew who I was, so it could have been favourable or worked against me. At recruit school, my divisional officer played rugby with my Dad, so he was ok. The Chief of my division was at recruit school when my Dad was posted there as a PTI.

And all the PTI staff at recruit school knew who I was, especially the Chief. He was a bit bi-polar with me; first day of PT he singled me out and reminded me in front of everyone that my mother had called to make sure I had fresh underwear on. During our swim test, he gave me pointers to help pass. It was an interesting relationship.

One of his classic lines of call/response to us was:

“Why do I call you my little sausages?”

To which we replied:

“Because you can’t call us fuckwits Chief!”

15 11 2010
chris

That’s all well and good, Chub, but did you avert WWIII like Mr James “I have a vagina” Blunt did?
http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/music/singer-james-blunt-prevented-world-war-iii-with-russia/story-e6frfn09-1225953575507

15 11 2010
Tone

James Blunt is one James Blunt I’d like to glass.

15 11 2010
Sten

He must have a new single coming out. Fanfuckingtastic.

I use his name as rhyming slang.

15 11 2010
p'bee

i’m guessing this story has as much truthfulness as lord monckton’s ‘i ended the falklands war’ claim.

15 11 2010
Sten

Everything that Monckton character says is BS. I suppose he also claims to have restored democracy to Argentina as a result.

The Faklands War ended simply because the Brits thumped the shit out of the Argies, the held them down and kept thumping.

15 11 2010
StKildaGirl

If I hear that James Blunt song again, I fear I will glass somebody too.

15 11 2010
Fiona of Carlton

Too right Chubby. Those PT bastards can grind you down but they can’t teach you self discipline.

Most bogans would never make the grade. They may have massive guns but their fitness is shocking and I doubt they could even finish the entrance run let alone in a decent time!!

Oh, actually maybe the whiley criminal bogans, given that they’re used to running away from shopping centre security guards!

15 11 2010
Snag

Did anyone watch Escape to the Legion on SBS recently. Any illusions of joining the military are snuffed out in about 15 minutes of watching that series. And it has Bear Grylls, so a bogan might be entertained long enough to get the message. Mind you, I profess to having no knowledge of BT in Australia and can’t make too many comparisons between our military and the Foreign Legion.

15 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

I watched that series Snag; Foreign Legion is a whole different can of worms compared to your regular grunt. They fall under special forces, which are just screwed in the head right from the start. These boys are bred to kill, broken down and built up again like regular military, but at a totally different plane of existence.

For example, my old man was on HMAS Manoora when the whole Tampa crisis went down in 2001. They (the govt.) sent the SAS (or “chicken stranglers” as they’re known in military circles) onboard and it was a disaster. These guys take on potential lethal threats, not 300-odd helpless refugees. They treated them like they had the midas touch to kill. They got them to sit down and anyone who stood up without being told to were smacked with the antenna extensions of their radios. They’re weren’t trained for this sort of thing!

By comparison, your regular Navy these days is trained to exercise caution and be more diplomatic, while maintaining a reasonable show of force.

15 11 2010
brad

i think they’re trained for all types of scenarios,an old freind of mine ‘s father was a former SAS Instructror and a Vietnam Vet.A very fit looking bloke who was quite engaging and well spoken -unless you were told ,you would never guess what he was capable of.Anyway i remember catching up for a New Years Eve party a few years ago with said mate,and ask him how the old man was-told me he got acall,and was on the next flight to Indonesia with a charity aid organization.(post tsunami)Dont think he was there to hand out blankets though,and i dont know who called him,but i suspect it would be the same types who made the Tampa call.I do know he was there to have a good look around at the Indo military under the cover of a major disaster.

15 11 2010
Sten

Tell me, why are the SAS called “chicken stranglers”? Could it be because of some kind of onanist tendency not as prevalent in the rest of the military?

15 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

It’s a nod to the fact they’ve been so trained up the hilt, that they can survive anywhere by any means…strangling chickens is a tongue in cheek reference to it…

16 11 2010
Sten

I figured as much, but couldn’t help myself.

16 11 2010
Ron

It simply refers to the fact that at the end of the entrance test to the unit you once had to kill and eat a chicken that you had been carrying around. Hence the name chicken stranglers.

15 11 2010
RobertL

Off topic, but I have to share…

…I went to bed on Friday night and was woken but continuous loud noise in the early hours of the morning. I checked the clock – 1.37am. I then, groggily, recognised the noise.

It was a group of inebriated fembogues from over the back fence, partying and singing along loudly with their stereo.

The song of choice: Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon. And, of course, they were only signing the chorus.

Thanks to this website, I was too amused to get angry.

15 11 2010
HappyFriend

I saw a young flabby armed female with tatts, carrying a basinet, fag in mouth coming out of a Boot Camp excercise session last week in Ballarat.
The town is full of these types these days….

15 11 2010
Mick

…and in typical bogan attitude they will claim that their fitness regime is far better than yours and you’ll never be as fit as them.

15 11 2010
jaydyn

Now I remember why I left that town.

15 11 2010
Pandabater

You have to feel for the bogan sometimes.
The 50″ oracle in his “Media Room” gives
him all the information required to go
about his life but sometimes it lets him down.
The bogan learns from “Hollywood University”
that he can become an expert in any skill at all
with only a quick sucession of lessons & a
punchy soundtrack to triumph at the end of the day.
But life’s not like that.
He has been cursed & thwarted by “The Montage”

16 11 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Marvellous, Panderbater.

Poetry in motion.

15 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

R Lee Ermy is a hero of mine. Can that boy holler!

I once told my wife I would rip out her eyeballs and skullf*ck her. She did not see the funny side of this.

15 11 2010
Mick

Private Pyle didn’t seem to either.

15 11 2010
Nil desperandum

Hhmm, know the dilemma Simon. My missus doesn’t like me calling her Ms Mary Jane Rottencrotch, been no finger banging for quite some time.

15 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Neither did she want me to rip off her head and shit down her neck!?

James Blunt is the kind of guy who would root you up the arse and not even have the decency to give you a reach around. Pond scum.

15 11 2010
StKildaGirl

Hmmm… I heard army guys are all women hating alcoholics… but anyway…
Boot camp is not very efficient at getting a person fit as everybody in the group is at a different fitness level & there is no one on one attention for each individual. Therefore, a an hour with a good PT is the best option for weight loss, fitness goals, etc.

16 11 2010
GoldCoaster

They are not all women hating alcos! My brother is in the army, and is a Sargeant and a PT guy on top of it. He’s taken me on what I call “death marches” which is just us going on a walk together. These fitness guys can’t quite understand that the average civilian isn’t as fit as they are, but my brother is a great guy who loves all his family and looks after his troops during work hours and in the after hours, when he has them to his house for a drink. His PT program is quite successful because he understands psychology rather than just screaming at his men, and they respond well.

16 11 2010
StKildaGirl

Ok, maybe your brother is an exception?

17 11 2010
GoldCoaster

He did have an enlightened upbringing and is very intelligent, and one of his army mates did tell me once that he was not the average AJ (army jerk) so I’d say you’re right.

15 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I have previously written an entry on PT’s, can’t remember where but the conclusion was they are bogans for bogans.

Why, the f*ck, do you need someone to tell you to exersize and how to do it. It’s not that complicated. I do not get it. I am pretty fit and currently training myself up to ride the Alpine Classic in January and seem to do just fine on my own. Get off your arse and push yourself till you feel like vomiting and you will get fitter and lighter. Simple really.

15 11 2010
Mick

It’s the bogan thing of having to be part of a pack. If nobody sees them train how do they boast about it?

15 11 2010
Tombarina

I think it goes a little deeper than that.

A few boguewits of my acquaintance seem to feel that trotting around a suburban park a few times a week gives them some sort of affinity with the actual armed forces.

One told me: “it’s like being in the army – we do the same training”. Except, dickhead, that you’re a sad little sales rep living in the burbs and your idea of roughing it is when McCafe serves your decaf latte with one sugar instead of two.

I’ve no issue with bootcamp per se – anything that gets people off their arses and actually gets results is a start. It’s the pervasive “I’m a tough mother” mentality that shits me to tears.

Bogans do bootcamp for the same reason they get faux-tribal tatts, spend more than they earn and generally carry on like total cocks – because they’re insecure and pathetic.

*looks around; admires the panoramic view from soapbox perched upon a high horse parked on the moral high ground*

15 11 2010
Mick

*nods head*

They used to be run on the beach where I live. I would grab a takeaway coffee and watch with interest. Exhausted bogans would trudge off the beach telling each other how good they felt. Then when they spied me they suggested I give it a go. Saying no because it wouldn’t match my regime was not good enough for them. I dogged it because they were now fitter than me after two sessions.

It’s the bogan way to think their’s is the only way. No way on earth could 30 years of training and a few state jumpers compare with two 45 minute runs on the beach. Nope, I was a loser.

Tossers.

15 11 2010
Coffeesnob

Yep, I put them in the same category as people who do “boxercise” or “tai-bo” stating, “Oh yes I box/kickbox.”

Yeah, sure you do champ. That’s why every bogan fight (outside of glassing and the “king hit”) devolves into the “windmill” and/or a bad scene from WWE.

16 11 2010
martin

I agree Tombarina. My “tough” mother tolerance levels ran out long ago. I spit on them and their kids now. A hoik up a massive golly and give it to them right in the face.

16 11 2010
StKildaGirl

Simon, many (maybe most) people need motivation to exercise. They may also need guidance with their diet & have specific goals they wish to achieve. Not everybody can afford a good PT, but most would hire one if their budget allowed, to boost their physical fitness, mental health & longevity.

16 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Most people need glassing but that is probably beside the point.

I do get that most people are lazy and too stupid to realize Krispy Kreme is not a good dietary choice and hence they are fat bogues. But I will still point at them and laugh when I see them in a park with a roid monster screaming at them as they sweat, puff and pay for their slovenliness. Good times.

16 11 2010
StKildaGirl

Yes, I agree many people do need a good glassing but not all PT’s are roid monsters…

15 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Is everyone at bootcamp or did Chubby fart again?

15 11 2010
Mick

In other news, I did the bogan thing today and acquired a brand new phone. Although I have no idea how it works I’m assured it is marvellous and could probably autopilot a space shuttle. My friend is a scientist type and even she says I’m on my own.

I already hate myself. Why do we do it? Self abuse? Do bogans ever learn to use these things?

15 11 2010
Tombarina

Take heart, Mick.

To say that my Beloved occasionally demonstrates bogan tendencies is akin to saying that Hitler was a bit of a scamp. And he, too, recently purchased a smart-phone – considerably smarter, as my Sole Offspring regrettably pointed out, than its new owner.

After three days of swearing because the Beloved’s sausage-like fingers couldn’t navigate anything on the touchscreen pad, peace finally prevailed. He had learned to use it to dial numbers and send texts – in short, precisely what his old phone did. Only cooler, and waaaay more expensively.

Hang in there.

16 11 2010
martin

Lol. I hate mobiles and the whole wanky culture. I must say I would like an iphone or an android though even though all I really want it for is for the farting app. There’s this app where you push buttons and it makes different farting noises. Like a wet fart, a really long airy fart, the tight fart, and so on. I genuinely do feel like a lesser person because my mobile is about 5 years old. Very, very bogan.

I hate texting. Takes me a year to say something that would take a second.

16 11 2010
Tombarina

Oh, goodie – a fart app. THAT’S why we learned to walk upright, discovered fire and invented the wheel.

However, I have found one cracker of an app – Beanhunter. You’ll never have to drink $hite coffee again – or, if you do, at least it’s the best of the worst in your immediate locality.

16 11 2010
martin

What about a felufal app? Or a public toilet app?

16 11 2010
Son of Duane

Actually martin… there is a public toilet app…
http://itunes.apple.com/app/national-public-toilet-map/id323279108?mt=8

16 11 2010
martin

Yaaaaayy. Isn’t technology the best! I can’t wait to spend a whole heap of money on an iphone and to some dickhead telco for the dunny app! Does it cost anything? The app that is.

16 11 2010
I'm Right

Let me share with you my 30 years experience of teaching bogans in the Western suburbs of Sydney. These are the lessons I have learned as a result of my immersion in the culture of (or lack of) the bogan.

1. Bogans breed bogans.
2. Bogans are illiterate and see no need for reading, except an NRL ticket.
3. Bogan parents turn up to Parent-Teacher evenings thinking it is fashionable to wear torn grey tacksuit pants, a football jumper and thongs. At least when they turn up for offical presentation nights, there’s no holes in the tracksuits; only the football jumper.
4. Bogan students think Australia is being overrun by Muslims.
5. Bogan students think Australia is being overrun by Asians.
6. Bogans normally see the ALP as the saviour political party because they see it as the party that will give them something for nothing. Paradoxically, the bogan is quite happy to embrace right-wing ideological thinkings along the line of banning all immigration, ceasing foreign aid and bashing
immigrants.
7. Bogans are quite happy displaying their patriotism: they will tattoo “We grew here, you flew here” on their chest; they display the Southern Cross on the rear window of their car or even stencil the words “Aussie Pride” on their car.
8. Bogans have complete disregard for the law. In fact the only law many bogans know is Stuart Law who played cricket. This belief that they are above the law, extends to bogan children who defy teachers and all authority figures.
9. Bogans think the world owes them something.
10. Bogan parents like to enrol their offspring in private schools because, they say, of the discipline. Of course, when it comes to supporting the school in disciplining their bogan offspring, the school is always wrong. Bogans will then threaten the school with bush lawayers, media coverage and violence.
11. When travelling in trains, the bogan likes to play their music very loud, consume alcohol and believe it is their right to disrupt the comfort of other passengers.
12. Bogan males grow up believing the world is dominated by men, served by women. As one bogan said to me: “When I grow up and get married, why should I help my wife around the house? It’s not like she will help me lay tiles on the roof when I am at work.” (He wanted to be a roof tiler).
13. With the onset of cheap air carriers such as Jetstar and Tiger Airways, the bogan can now travel further than The Entrance and Coffs Harbour caravan park. On any given JetStar flight, the bogan family and offspring can be seen (and heard) complaining and disrupting the comfort of the people around them.
14. Bogans have little consideration for others. This is instilled in the bogan child when they are taught by parents to belt up other kids in order to solve their problems.
15. The bogan child thinks all Australians are white. Take them to Cabramatta and you will hear the bogan child complain that we are being overrun. “I’m not eating rice. What’s that SHIT?” you will hear as you take them past restaurants. “Can I get hot chips?”
16. Bogan parents think their bogan offspring are destined for a craeer in medicine upon graduation. In fact, many of them will get no closer then tree surgery. These unrealistic goals set by the bogan parent filter down to the bogan child who develops delusions of grandeur. “I want to be a psyiotherapist” declares the bogan child. Fortunately, the closest the bogan child will get to psyiotherapy is if they break their leg (running from the law??)
17. Anyone with the surname of ‘bogan’ should change it, lest they live out their name.
18. Bogan parents disregard “No Stopping” signs outside school zones. They will hold up traffic, as they beleive it is their right, in order for their bogan offspring to jump into the four wheel drive that has seen neither a service call nor off-road driving.
19. Bogan students see the library as a wall to grafitti.
20. Bogan students see little value in education. “When I grow up, I’m going on the dole”, they have proudly told me.
21. Bogan parents will sit in a formal awards ceremony at the school, conducting business on a mobile phone. The bogan offspring will then mirror this behaviour in the class room.
22. Bogan parents like to see themselves as friends and not parents to their offspring.
23. You can always pick a bogan child – they have a mullet at age 5 and are a bully at age 6.
24. Bogan children often have the following names: Dylan, Hayden, Trent, Jayke, Kylee, Dylin, Leyton, Eden, Rhys, Callan, Kyra, Hope, Charity, Cola, Cory.
25. Bogan parents will give all their offspring names that start with the same letter and are often derivations of one another. Case in point: Brad and Bradina, Alexander and Alexandra.
26. Bogan kids will be happy telling you that they have at least ten thousand friends on facebook. But ask them to spell ‘facebook’ and it’s a different matter.

16 11 2010
Tombarina

All I can say is: ‘welcome aboard’. And, re 30 years in the trenches: ‘I’m so sorry’.

Just want to confirm one thing, though – have you actually encountered a bogueling named Cola?

Sadly, I don’t disbelieve the moniker – it’s the spelling I’m struggling with.

Surely kH’olah would be the go?

16 11 2010
chris

“Bogueling” is such an ugly term, T. I much prefer “crotch droppings”.

16 11 2010
Son of Duane

Re: #19 “Bogan students see the library as a wall to grafitti.”

Unless you live where I live (unfortunately), where the library is seen as a day-care centre with free internet-connected computers (used to play Grand Theft Auto or Halo or whatever they can put on there), books are sometimes used as weapons and where noise in inevitable.

They even have a Wii console, occasionally the controller would go missing…

16 11 2010
GoldCoaster

WOW I am in awe…30 years. I lasted 2 years teaching in bogan-infested Cairns. Don’t forget about how at parent-teacher interviews, if you ask the parent, “Do you spend much time with……….?” They get all defensive about all the other things they have to do in lieu of looking after their kids. That’s what the teachers’ job is, ay.

16 11 2010
I'm right

At least they turned up to the meeting! I have had bogan parents threaten to get out “the sandshoe” and belt the little bogan kid in front of me! I would have been happy to hold the bogan down!! 😉

17 11 2010
GoldCoaster

LOL!! I only did two years, thank goodness! I do feel sorry for the Boguelings though, because they have no control over the circumstances of their birth or upbringing, and could be, with the right care, good people. I remember a potential bright spark I taught who was on the wrong side of everything, and I said to him one day, trying to understand why he was the way he was, “Do you spend much time with your parents?” because I perceived that lack of parental care was often the problem. He said no, to which I asked, “What do they do when they do when they get home from work?”

“Dad’s a truckie so he’s never home. Mum gets home at 6:30 and starts drinking.” Poor kid. What sort of upbringing is that? Is it any wonder the bogans are multiplying?

17 11 2010
I'm Right

How do you stop bogans multiplying, short of carpet bombing bogan infested neighbourhoods with contraceptives?? They really haven’t a clue about the value of education. Kids turning up stoned in the morning… then you meet the parent who turns up stoned at parent-teacher meeting and you just have to shake your head. The trouble I have found with the bogan child is the way they keep perpetuating the same old stereotype of themselves – they don’t even want to rise above it all. They are happy to be in the lower gene pool: mullet-encased head, chip on shoulder, drunk/stoned/pregnant at 14, unemployed, aggressive, xenophobic, homophobic. Perhaps it’s time to chlorinate that end of the gene pool? Their only aspiration in life being a win in the next meat tray raffle at the local RSL club or beating up the next hapless and innocent victim on a western suburbs bound train. The trouble with teaching as I now see it, 70% of my time is now spent dealing with these bogans who make up 30% of the student body. The other normal 70% kids are fine and actually have some goals for self-improvement. Hopefully, the bogan sets the goal of self-extinction or we are in serious trouble. Now, let me go and interview this rat-tailed bogan….

19 11 2010
GoldCoaster

Yes, I found the same trouble with teaching. If only there was some room (preferably one with a flesh-eating robot) to send the bogans so the normal kids can get on with learning. The bogan will never become extinct as long as the environmental factors conducive to their proliferation remain, ie. government handouts. Interestingly, countries with no welfare tend to have no bogans…they all starved a long time ago.

16 11 2010
I'm Right

At least they turned up for the meeting. Many years ago, I had one bogan parent threaten to belt the kid “with the sandshoe” if she didn’t improve! I would have been happy to hold the kid! 😉

16 11 2010
Maggie

Yeah, son of Duane, what is that about libraries?
They used to be the place where silence ruled, but the pendulum has swung violently and now now they are the place where uncontrolled children of pre-reading age scream and yell, as their mothers wchinwag with each other. Many ooks about healing crystals and astrology and baby names etc are stocked in the library, presumably to ‘encourage’ adult bogan remedial readers.

16 11 2010
Lord Charos

You forgot to try to get out of the fee for their overdue Twilight books…

16 11 2010
p'bee

apropos of nothing, look at some alpacas: http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/alpacas-with-post-punk-hair

16 11 2010
I'm Right

More musings from educating bogans.

1. The Federal Government has rolled out laptops for education. Unfortunately, the bogan child sees this as a fashion acessory that they can carry over their head. Why? (Now you know how your tax dollars are spent) The lesson here? Don’t give these learning tools to bogans and expect them to know how to respect them.
2. All forms of technology are used by the bogan student for updating their facebook status and attempting to count number of friends. The bogan student is inseparable from their mobile phone. Why? Who is going to ring them? They cannot conduct a conversation, let alone write.
3. Bogans break all sorts of rules yet cannot understand why they are issued detention at school. What do they expect when they throw bottles at other students???! The lesson here? You cannot reason with the self-righteous bogan student.
4. On days where uniform is not worn, the female bogan student often takes it upon herself to dress as a 1970s cheap hooker in ugg-boots. Like [bogan] moths to a flame, this attracts the salivating bogan male student dressed in his blue singlet and flannelette shirt. (As an aside, the bogan parent is often a cheap 1970s hooker!) The lesson here? Keep uniforms in school!!
5. When the World Trade Centre collapsed in 2001 in New York, bogan students, with a world view of a gnat, the neogotiating skills of a slug and the conversational skills of a newt, pronounced to anyone listening to them in the class, that Afghanistan and all her people should be nuked. So their bogan dad told them. The lesson here? – Bogan male students believe all problems in the world can be solved by nuking others. “We are being over-run!” they shrill.
6. Bogan students still engage in the old Ford versus Holden debate. The lesson here? Don’t put them behind the steering wheel of a car.
7. The bogan parent is the one that stands around the car park with fellow bogans denigrating the school, the teachers, other bogans and other parents. Lesson here? Close all school premises from bogan incursions.
8. Bogan parents will actually get involved in fights between bogan students. A bogan parent will not hesitate to deck another bogan’s child and then admit that the “child started it” (I kid you not)
9. Bogan parents have no dress sense when they attend meetings with the Principal. Industrial singlet, stubbies or ski pants on hugely over-weight chain-smoking bogan females – these are the norms for many.
10. Bogan parents will often log onto their bogan offspring facebook pages and write messages about other bogan children. The lesson here? The bogan parent DOES get involved in their child’s education! It’s just that they are on the same level as their bogan child and can see no wrong.

16 11 2010
Lord Charos

Yes, as a student of a high school, I am surrounded by Bogans. I tell you, the idiocy of some astounds me. They have such a blatant disregard for education (minus that involving BMX and skateboarding) that I predict we will have an influx of truck drivers… and street cleaners.

16 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

…anyway
I thought St Kilda people were a bunch of coolsie tossers who thought they were the sh!t just because of their postcode. or maybe that was newtown.
I can’t remember. Newtown was cool about twenty years ago. Now the only people who think newtown is cool is the people who live there. and they all arrived in the last ten years. thinking their address somehow would give their sad try hard image conscious lives some “cred”. It’s a lot like St Kilda.
But then when I was in the army I was a bisexual drug addict. so I might be wrong.
yes martin we shat ourselves. that was on the sniper/recon. course anyway. the idea was not to sh!t at all preferably.
I have read since in Chris Ryan type books that a lot of these sneak and peek characters will poo in a plastic bag and carry it out. the idea being to leave no sign you were there. I’m not certain how one would manage that in a Yowie suit. Anyway we were suppposedly being closely observed by the course instructors and something like nipping off for a poo would be a fail. so I shat myself.
and failed anyway. I fell asleep.
I did see escape to the legion.
I thought it was a typical Bear Grylls set up piece. I saw another doco on The Legion years ago and it didn’t look much harder than anything I went through in basic or IET’s.
might have been a recruitment piece anyway.

16 11 2010
StKildaGirl

Chubby you are so funny! Where do you live? Cranbourne or over on the west side?

16 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

chubby and edna reporting live from scarborough.
we’re the ones with the white dog playing with the ball if anyone’s watching from Ob. Rise.
seems perth has become the spiritual home of the Mc Mansion.
back when I lived here in the nineties we used to laugh at all the palaces popping up out dianella way. now it’s the norm.
Perth is still pretty.
wouldn’t want to live here but.

16 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

St K.
we divide our time between the far western suburbs of melbourne, that is Adelaide.
and a secret location in Northern NSW.

16 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

i have no idea where cranbourne is btw.
never liked melbourne much.

16 11 2010
StKildaGirl

Nobody would ever want to go to Cranbourne. Melbourne, however is a wonderful town. ;o)

16 11 2010
brad

Oh but you would like crannie Chubs its not to far from the beach and theres a hydro set-up in every 2nd backyard shed!

16 11 2010
Tombarina

Hot off the presses….

Bogue acquaintances just bragged how they got their currently-quite-nice-yet-ultimately-doomed child into an extremely upmarket private church-affiliated girls’ school.

She and hubby enrolled in an adult faith program and signed up for a pile of charity do-goodings ahead of the crucial interview, so that they could impress the headmistress with their spiritual commitment and community-mindedness.

Both mother and daughter had makeovers – conservative blowdries, suble makeup and non-skank kit – and dad wore a suit to hide his tribal tatts. He also had to shave his hair so the Warnie-tribute peroxide tips and tracks weren’t on show.

So, kid gets in – and parents then never show up for a single thing they signed up for, leaving already-lean charity rosters in the lurch and old people waiting for Meals On Wheels deliveries which never arrived.

Pie-eyed, I responded with “that’s disgraceful”. Bogues took it as a salute to their innate cleverosity in tricking the system. They regaled me with all this in front of their four kids – clearly as a salutory parental lesson on how to conduct oneself.

16 11 2010
bigger person

Hi all,
Long time reader first time commenting(heard ghastly stories about trolls)and only had my pc virginty popped lately.

I swear i was at bootcamp today for the “mentally handicapped”.1) I heard some of, and the reserves have been moving weaponary on some weekends(hmm?).2) i found some group recycling old pretentious lit and bogan(20yr old) spray on jeans.

Well i dug myself quite the veburbual hole there ending in many casualties and name changes that quick it nearly spun my head off.Luckily “arkie” threw me the literal rope to salvation *owes chochys/flowers* and swung us by this cool store..”WITS R US”.. To which after reading the following comments today i found myself to be like a kid in a candy store

But on serious note i much agree with SGA that first time hurts but that level will never raise unless it is pushed

16 11 2010
I am Bogan Hear Me Bore

How about that other Bogan pursuit Boxercise? To describe their attempts as boxing is to do a great disservice to the sweet science. I see them at the beach and in parks building up a sweat slapping the sparring pads, usually being spurred on by some Bogan in footy shorts.
The Boganettes usually look like off – duty police officers, with blond hair in a tight pony tail, wearing clean as a whistle pink trainers and driving a Ford Mondeo with a frangipani sticker on the back window.
The Bogan usually has dreams of grandeur and tells his mates that he is going to have a real bout, but the first time he gets hit usually puts paid to that though. The Bogan wears a blue singlet to show off his tatt (Celtic of course) wears board shorts and trainers (clean as a whistle of course) and drives a souped up ute that has never been near a building site or paddock in its life.
And don’t get me started on that other Bogan fighting pursuit “Cage Fighting”.

16 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

chubbybloodfart live from the beautiful Swan Valley.
This evening I am drinking VB in honour of being in Perth. Make of that what you will.
We note with sadness the demise of the Guildford Hotel. An damned shame to be sure. back in my day they used to promote themselves with a sandwich board what read “No Pokies. No Skimpies”
sound
If I want a chick to serve me beer topless I shall ask my beautiful wife Edna to take her shirt off and fetch me anothery! soon thereafter we should no doubt retire! she is a beautiful woman and I am a passionate man.
but I digress.
chubbybloodfart does NOT endorse hydro. hydro is for bogans and Amsterdam, where people understand what cannabis is actually about. Demand Quality Bush punters!
so no, I don’t want to go to Cranny. My wife likes Melbourne though, so I defer to her superior taste.
but I digress again.
Today we were obliged to go to an Super Market. And, it being roughly between Scarborough and The Swan Valley, we went to The Morley Galleria. mostly also because I knew how to get there. roughly.
anyway. the usual swill of massed boganity, as one might expect.
But one singular moment of gorgeous Bogan Synchronicity.
As we passed the Boost Juice kiosk they were playing Sex On Fire.
Ha!
gold

18 11 2010
brad

sorry chub forgot to roll my eyes!

16 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

hi Tomba.
I hope baby jesus punishes your acquainti.
perhaps he will turn their daughter gay for a bit. just to freak ’em out.
or even worse…
Goth.

17 11 2010
Tombarina

I hope so too, Chub.

Better yet, she could become a left-winger with a keen appreciation for the fine and performing arts, and go on to become a member of the much-despised intelligentsia.

That’d $@*^ ’em.

16 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

…and can someone clear this up for me,
shane warne is a presenter on Top Gear?

16 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Even worse, he’s got his own show…and it’s called Warnie…:s

17 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

son of a bitch

17 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

Things Bogans Like
#943 – Music Festivals

Surely. Remember back in ’92 when there was just the BDO and nothing? Sydney BDO was an absolute freak show. The cops were safely outside and the queues for the alcohol provendores were utterly non existant. Nirvana and Soundgarden if memory serves. The proto-bogue was still raving about madonna, prince, george michael and janet jackson and what a show they put on. Personally I gave up on festivals when moshing stopped being an expression of unbridled joy and became an extreme sport.
The sheer proliferation of summer festivals in the 21st C absolutely reeks of marketing uber hype and where there’s hype the bogans are sure to be close behind.

17 11 2010
chris

Not to mention the Day(s) on the Green. New-age boguettes quaffing their own considerable body-weight in cheap NZ rotgut and singing along to washed-up acts that were rubbish in the 80s and still rubbish now.

17 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Chris, nailed it dude. I went to BDO in 09 so I could see Neil Young that was all. Did not like the crowd much really or many of the other acts. The other headliner was the Arctic Monkeys, just ok, nothing else and the Living End played of course, they and Powderfinger share I think. Oh Died Pretty were cool as usual.

17 11 2010
chris

Would have given my left nut to see Neil Young perform. The soundtrack to my very wasted and drug-f*cked youth, he was.

17 11 2010
p'bee

the value of festivals is in the side shows. less people there just to be seen and seem cool, longer sets, better views, and no port-a-loos.

17 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Neil kicked arse.

17 11 2010
Frantelle

I play tennis a couple of times a week after work, and what annoys me is that often these Fitness Bootcamp type groups will set up camp right next to the courts instead of around one of the several vacant football fields in the surrounding area?

Why you might ask? Because the tennis courts are well lit, and the Boot Camp people never bother to bring their own source of light, so they set up close by to the courts. Never mind the people playing tennis really dont want to hear the constant yells from the Bogan instructors and the constant thudding of tuck shop arms and fat thights on boxing pads….

19 11 2010
Phil

Never been to a big day out. Lots of things that I have never done. Had never been to the Brisbane “Entertainment Centre” before January 2009. Went twice in twoo weeks. Concert one: Neil Young, concert two: Leonard Cohen. What a story could be had here. Both performers were incredible, the audiences less so. Halfway down the side for Neil, half a dozen seats from an aisle (between me and the stage). Plenty of grey hair in bothe audiences (including mine). But, Neil also attracted the flannogue and boy, are they thirsty. I did not go to the bar for either show during intervals. The flannogues spent most of the night during Neil’s concert either on the way, queuing, or on the way back from the bar. Must say I had never heard Mr young play “A Day In The Life” (Final track off Sgt Pepper’s). Must say I have never heard any cover version of it before. Neil performed it, magnificently. I was wary about seeing Neil as I had heard that he sometimes played all metal or all acoustic. That night it was balanced and the only track that I wanted him to play but he dien’t was the “Dead Man” theme music. Great show though. Leonard Cohen on the other hand was a mystical experience. I ran into a guy in the Peregian Beach Hotel some 10 months later who had neen at the same concert and he told me that none of his friends (who hadn’t seen the concert) could understand how life changing it was for him. That concert I was about six rows from the front. Great nights. The venue? Absolute crap – you could imagine how it was designed to be an open acccessible place with plenty of space, but the cost-cutter-ogues had moved in and the place was like a cattle run. I will never return unless it is a Beatles reunion.

26 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince
16 12 2011
dan

cillvilian white suit disipline;daniel gordan sparrow

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