#192 – Theoretical Cunnilingus (V-lick)

10 11 2010

In different parts of the world and at various points in history, the inverted two-fingered V sign was used to signify a range of things including ‘peace’, ‘victory’, ‘up yours’ and ‘two beers please’. Over time however, the outward-palmed V sign took over as the generally accepted sign for peace and/or victory, ‘the bird’ (despite resembling no bird ever sighted) became the universal signal for defiance and derision, and loudly shouting and waving cash across the bar emerged as the most common method of ordering two beers. Thus, the inverted two-fingered V sign was left available for co-option by the bogan.

This was of particular interest to the bogan because, as far as the boganic alphabet goes, while ‘X’ is indomitably supreme and ‘Z’ is a clear second, ‘V’ is nonetheless located within the upper quartile in terms of symbol maxtremity. This is due to its aggressive angles and symmetry as well as its association with a great many bogan-friendly things such as vampires, vascularity, vacuousness, virgins, Vegas, V8s, the V Festival, channel V, V energy drinks and voting for reality television contestants.

The bogan’s expertise in the art of co-option, and its unwavering belief that more always equals better, led it to not only adopt the inverted two-fingered V sign, but also to put it to its mouth and augment it with a thrusting tongue. This changed the meaning of the V sign once more, this time to denote ‘theoretical cunnilingus’. A close cousin to faux-lesbianism, and emerging at a similar post Britney-Madonna kiss juncture of time, theoretical cunnilingus is a Facebook photo favourite. Nothing screams “rebel”, “deviant”, “possible lesbian” and “social conformist” at quite the ear-splitting volume of a V-lick. Swimlebrity and recent twitter homophobe Stephanie Rice indeed earlier cemented her position at the forefront of the bogan pinup wave by indulging in some maxtreme faux-lesbian V-licking on facebook. This seemingly blatant contradiction in methodology was not observed by the bogan, who applauded both initiatives.

Refusing to be photographed naturally, the bogan must always be seen to be posing in some way. Thus, with the consumption of additional locally brewed Beck’s and unreasonably priced Jägerbombs, the default duck-face-awkward-lean pose is substituted for the more provocative and rebellious V-lick. The bogan’s love for prurience and celebrity come together elegantly to produce the tasteless juxtaposition between its organs of manipulation and organ of taste. The bogan, being the the eternal celebrity-in-waiting that it is, believes that by performing theoretical cunnilingus, it is giving the hordes of paparazzi the proverbial finger(s), with the complimentary defiance afforded by the tongue thrust. Additionally, it appeals to the bogan’s love for safe spontaneity, announcing that “I’m having such a great time, anything could theoretically happen”, which it generally does not. The gesture also succeeds in driving the ogling male bogans, who have always dreamt of ‘girl on girl’ action, into a frenzied state of lust which usually ends in an arbitrary glassing or, later on, some ‘guy+guy+other guy on girl’ action.

Epilogue: the love of theoretical mouth-work reached a maxtreme climax (for want of a better word) this week, with NRL player Joel Monaghan being marched out of town amidst a hailstorm of bogan puns about beastiality. Despite this newly identified problem with theoretical portrayals of smut, the V-lick is likely to continue unabated.


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134 responses

10 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. *giggle*

10 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Hey Fi,

I am DTF, want to smush smush?

10 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Ew! You probably have more chance than most. If you can fight Loftie off, of course.

10 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Loftie and I will tag team if thats all right with y’all.

10 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. No. That is most certainly not alright with me!

10 11 2010
hel

I’m going to modify my V lick into Fi lick

10 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

I smell a Harbour Bridge coming along…

10 11 2010
Brimstone

I will not allow the bogans to take vampires away from the goths and nerds….

though Sydney Festival has, in it’s listing for Philip Glass’ soundtrack to Dracula, encouraged people to dress up as vampires. that should be an interesting high/low culture collision

10 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Brim,

See #118 Vampires are gone dude, long ago the bogue loved em.

10 11 2010
p'bee

well, that’s if twilight fans are allowed to go to the dress-up midnight screening. i think it will be past all of their bedtimes, though.

10 11 2010
Sten

What Goths, Brimstone? To the best of my knowledge, there hasn’t really been a Gothic community in Sydney since Die Maschine closed. The image has long since been co-opted by Mansonities and other assorted spooky kids.

10 11 2010
Brimstone

I live in Newtown… though alot of the goths have skipped to steampunk
vampires are either sexy, scary, or both. even shit like Twilight falls on that continuum. Bogans are neither sexy nor scary

10 11 2010
Sten

Hmm… Steampunk… Victorian Goth meets Fin de siècle industrial aesthetics to create something not quite Goth and not quite Rivethead. It is a style I admire… perhaps because it fits in with my love of all things of the Belle Epoque.

10 11 2010
SD

True Sten but sadly its soon going to be boganised. As usual the commodisable (is that a word?) elements of it have been cannibalised and I think I have seen the first hints of it in the chain stores.

Though mind you the aesthetic might have jumped the shark way back with that awful flick Wild Wild West.

10 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

At least we have Professor Badass leading the way in Steampunk fashion:

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/professor-badass

10 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Dude,

I had the misfortune to see 15 mins of twilight. They were neither sexy or scary. More like mopey and boring. And strangely blue in colour?

Max Schreck was the only decent vampire.

11 11 2010
Gorey

I looked in a Twilight book once. There was a passage about someone cooking breakfast like no one had ever done that before in history, ever. That was as much as I read.

12 01 2011
Louie

Back in my day vampires sucked blood not cocks.

25 01 2011
mizwiz

any one else think it’s funny, teenagers running around asking each other wether they prefer beastiality or necrophilae?

25 01 2011
James Hunter

necrophilia is just dead boring

10 11 2010
Loftie

Morning Simon… & my fair maiden Fiona… 😉

I cannot imagine any of these type of photos on the walls of your mansion Fiona, unless you have a photo with Tiger Woods or Shane Warne??

10 11 2010
Tombarina

Jesus, Loftie – you just took things a little too far, and that’s usually V’vi’s or Shirl’s job. To wit: why does someone always have to lower the tone of this learned social commentary resource by invoking the uber-cock BoB that is Warnie?

Whom, I see through appalled, weepy eyes, is about to launch his eponymous variety (another crap V word) show on, no surprises, Nein.

This country’s buggered. I’m moving to Burkina Faso.

10 11 2010
Sten

Burkina Faso? Why didn’t I think of that!?

Are there any good pubs in Ouagoudougou?

10 11 2010
Tombarina

Good point, Sten. And, according to http://www.helloouagadougou.com – no.

In fact, it appears to be a hot, brown, unattractive cultural and entertainment wasteland, and I’ve already lived in Townsville. May have to rethink emigration strategy…..

10 11 2010
SD

No pubs perhaps but Burkina Faso is the Cannes of Africa-its home to the African arthouse flick.

So not exactly a cultural wasteland.

Why do I even know this? Do I need to glass myself?

10 11 2010
Sten

Apparently so (I do recall reading this some time ago). So too, Congo.

Bugger this, it’s drunken Heart of Darkness shenanigans for me.

10 11 2010
SD

No pubs perhaps but Burkina is I think the Cannes of Africa i.e. home to the African arthouse flick.

So not exactly a cultural wasteland.

Why do I even know this? Do I need to glass myself?

10 11 2010
Sten

Mind you, Tombarina, there are some appealing mud Mosques.

Sadly though, this doesn’t make up for a lack of pubs.

10 11 2010
urbanreverie

Other bogan-friendly members of the Roman alphabet:

* K (Special K – both the cereal for the nail-filing femme-bogue and the illicit substance, and referring to thousands of dollars and thousands of metres as “Ks”)
* G (Ali G, Andrew G)
* A (for the Queensland bogue, e.g. “That chick’s got a nice rack, A?”)
* J (J-Lo, JWoww)

10 11 2010
Pendant

K is also a favourite bogan replacement for any hard C. It was Kute back when I first played Donkey Kong, but now you Kan’t get away from that Krap

10 11 2010
Nelson Esq

G is for G-string (or G-banger to the bogue) as well. The bogue loves to spot a G-banger popping out of the femme-bogues tight hipster jeans.

18 11 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

Also, the wigger-bogan (a subset who doesn’t quite understand that his love of black American culture can’t really coexist with his hatred for Sudanese immigrants) loves to call his mates Gs.

*Also very common amongst Wogans and Lebgans.

19 11 2010
hel

OMG ASH! Made my Friday morning with this comment! I once dated a wigger-bogan (his nickname was, in fact, Bogues, sweet f*cking jesus) anyway I often wondered how his narrow minded racism was able to be overcome in order for him to wear his Sean John tracksuit, now I know he was just in a mental conundrum.

10 11 2010
martin

There’s also the shortening of a person’s initials into a nick name. A practice derived from America in some sort of lame attempt at giving the bearer more charisma and affection. Calling people AJ or KB, or whatever.

10 11 2010
Brimstone

Donkey Kong comes from King Kong…

10 11 2010
Edward

I learnt something alarming a couple of days ago. Do you know how most people would prefer themselves too smart to take P.C.P. ? On the other hand there is an illicit chic to taking a veterinary sedative diverted from legitimate uses. Well as it turns out Ketamine is a trade-name for a medication which contains Phencycladine as its active ingredient. Phencycladine is the same thing as P.C.P.; ergo is you were to take Ketamine, you would be taking P.C.P.

11 11 2010
Edward

“…prefer to think themselves too smart…” and “…ergo, if you were…”. Drat.

12 11 2010
Mofwana

Umm Edward, it’s phencyclidine, it’s not ketamine, and its unpopularity is related to the fact it is a far more potent and disturbing dissociative than K. Way too much for bogans, in fact, for humans in general. Your comparison is pharmacologically equivalent to saying codeine is carfentanil. Sorry, but your trite and sloppy summarisation is boganic in nature. Are you by any chance participating in Movember?

13 11 2010
Edward

No, but thank you for asking, and thank you for the correction. My book definitely spells the drugs name with an “a” and an “i”, rather than two “i”s, though. I learned something which I thought not to be common knowledge, but felt ought to be. I used to work in drug services, so my background in the subject is fairly sound. Related snippets of information remain of personal interest.

10 11 2010
Pendant

the bogan must always seen to be

10 11 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

The bogan male cant be photographed without dry humping something, shoving the middle finger in the lens or getting licked by a labrador. Sad.

10 11 2010
Maggie

It is time a Bogan Studies major was introduced at Australian universities. It fits so well into the Cultural Studies milieu and also lifts Australian history up where it belongs. The incisive TBL critique above needs to be legitimised, sorry legitimated as important scholarship.
The non-G8 Dawkins unis are missing a golden opportunity for a motza of research funding for research that is cheap to do because they have thousands (sorry, Ks) of research subjects milling around on campus for serious bogan scholars to observe.

A Melbourne Uni sociology researcher was on ABC Radio the other morning, and mentioned that she found our bogan analysis useful for her own work. We won’t rest until our Friday Bachelor of Bogan is awarded by a non-reputable regional university. TBL

10 11 2010
v'visexxxion

I’m hoping that when I graduate my BBo by correspondence, I can get a Visa. I don’t need one,but it would be good o get one. In case. With my high falutin, intemellectualisin behaviour at times, its a wonder nobody has tried to deport me.

10 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I suggest ANU, judging by the people who work there AND post here.

10 11 2010
spoony81

I notice that Australia’s favourite injured swimmer, Our Stephanie Rice has co-opted the V-lick for her own purposes. Her ‘private Facebook (it’s on the internet – it’s not private)’ photos were heavily laden with the suggestion of tongue-to-vulva exploration

11 11 2010
Gorey

Did you actually read this article? Rice’s picture is right there in the middle.

11 11 2010
spoony81

Gorey

Certainly read the article – every single word. Unfortunately – or otherwise in this case – my work computer system is heavily regulated enough to only display text – no pictures. So until your comment, I had no idea what the picture was (apart from a blank box with an ‘x’ in the corner). Thanks for your clarification

11 11 2010
brad

Nice pick-up gorey

10 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

what the hell is a Cunnilingus?

10 11 2010
Nelson Esq

Cunnilingus is Gaelic for Cunning Linguist, someone who does not laden their speech with malapropisms.

The bogan however believes that a cunnilingis is a woman with tight pants on, where you can see her lips moving, but you can’t hear what she’s saying.

10 11 2010
Nil desperandum

AKA Camel Toe, Moose Knuckle or ‘the other cleavage’.

10 11 2010
Me Again

Those pants are also called ‘mumblers.’ The lips move.. etc.

11 11 2010
MIck

Why do they call tights mumblepants?
Cause you can see the lips moving, but you can’t hear what the cunt is saying.

10 11 2010
hel

*boganic peels of laughter*

10 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

s’okay, I googled it.

Edna!
c’mere I wanna show you something…

10 11 2010
carveman
10 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

hey!
I just made a circle with my fingers and stuck my tongue through it.
Theoretical Rimming
Wait ’til this catches on.

.

10 11 2010
Sten

Ha!

Funny as it is though, Chubby, I can’t see it catching on… oh, god, wait… there was that gay Bogan at the pub the other night…

10 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Gay Bogan? I’d jump to say it’s another oxymoron, but can anyone attest to seeing one?

10 11 2010
hel

My son actually asked me the other day if there were any gay bogans. I told him they were very confused at the constant urge to beat themselves up (note up, not off)

10 11 2010
v'visexxxion

Oh there are many! We are not immune to noganity – i know queens who buy Ed Hardy underwear! There’s many a honking lezza out there with tribal tatts too. Oh god, do not underestimate the power of boganity – it is far reaching. No one is safe.

10 11 2010
v'visexxxion

immne to “boganity”, not “noganity”…

10 11 2010
v'visexxxion

immune to “boganity”, not “noganity”…

10 11 2010
Mick

There are gay bogans in the mines. Of both varieties. The lesbian bogan is 5 star bogan and proud of it. Although, there is one who is probably the most un-bogan person I know.

The queen bogans talks rough and loud but occasionally let the guard down and slip into flamboyant. So I’m not sure if they’re bogans or just trying to fit in.

11 11 2010
hel

Not sure if they are just bogans or just trying to fit in? Isn’t that what bogans try to do? Yes alas boganity, it seems, has not been co-opted by the hetrosexual world, it has spread and infected every race, creed, gender and sexual orientation. Boganity is to the noughties as HIV was to the 80s perhaps? Too far?

11 11 2010
v'visexxxion

Saying I’d rather HIV than be a bogan is going to far…

12 11 2010
hel

I don’t know about that Viv

10 11 2010
Kimba

Today’s photo is one of the ugliest things I’ve seen in very long time. I bet you it thinks it looks hot.

10 11 2010
StKildaGirl

If I see one more moron on facebook doing the peace/cunnilingus sign & thinking they look cool, I will stab them with a fork.

10 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

jesus!
I only just loaded the photo.

this chick should be playing league.
that looks like Gene Simmons sans make up and prosthetic tongue.

it makes the duckface look like a viable option

11 11 2010
hel

Perhaps theoretical rimming will replace duckface? It’s a natural progression if you think about it, especially if you play rugby, although that was far from theoretical. Good on him for having the BALLS to go through with it I guess.

10 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms
10 11 2010
resindogg

Thank you.

10 11 2010
Martz

Boy bogans also feel the need to stick their middle finger up at the camera in every shot. It never gets tiresome and they look so hardcore.

There seems to be some sort of correlation between idiocy and the need to pose in photos. When not memorialising their middle finger, boy bogues will assume a “thinking” pose (ah, the irony!) by gripping their chin and looking upwards, diagonally away from the camera. It suits any occasion, from a night drinking goon at a mate’s place, right through to such solemn moments as Anzac Day or Australia Day – just add a flag draped around one’s shoulders.

10 11 2010
Brimstone

i throw the horns in every photo
and i’m not even a metalhead

23 11 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

I have one photo on my facebook page where I’m giving the finger.

I regret it.

10 11 2010
James Hunter

Oh what a sheltered life I have lead, as some of you would agree. Heres me thinking that the girl with the open mouth and palmed V fingeres was alluding to her spred legs and her vagina.
I mean it looks a lot like it.
At least now I fully understand why I had My tounge split .

10 11 2010
hel

Todays post was more enjoyable than a golden gaytime, bravo, bravo, bravo I am sending the link (lick) to my friends.

10 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

As it says in the ads, it is hard to have a Gaytime on your own!

10 11 2010
Robbie

braVo TBL…..braVo

10 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

I mentioned the other day I like trying to sneak my noon into photos. especially “group” photos. just quietly drop it out my fly…
y’know.
but it was funnier somehow when you knew it might take weeks or months to be developed, and possibly years laer in another country before someone finally notices that guy’s got his crank out.
haven’t done it for years now.
I like to think there’s still a few out there waiting to go off.

10 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Just like the guy in the crown at the end of “Teen Wolf”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMwwBdWzeCg

10 11 2010
TheBattlersPrince

I believe they call it photobombing these days Chubster…

http://thisisphotobomb.memebase.com/

10 11 2010
p'bee

tbl was mentioned in mx sydney today – prepare for more whiny comments.

10 11 2010
v'visexxxion

TBL, you guys should set up a special page dedicated to angry bogans-in-denial and their contributions. Seeing all of their outrage in one section would make a great read, and they will know where to go add their ventings. It’s going to be good leading up to the New Year…..

A good idea, but the prospect of hunting for angry bogans through 45,000 blog comments strikes a special sort of terror into my heart. Our next project for when we get spare time is updating the last 6 months of baby name suggestions onto our big list. TBL

10 11 2010
Mick

“The Glassin’ Room”

10 11 2010
Mick

TBL, lure them there.

Let the bogue know that every complaint to “Arse Clown Alley” automatically enters them into a draw for a Harvey Norman voucher.

11 11 2010
Bogab In Laws

I’ll have a few more names to add to the list – our tragic social circle is experiencing a bit of a bogan baby boom. The expectant mothers are a healthy mix of the celebrity-influenced aspirational bogue (Ryder, Kingston, etc),the mis-spellers (Jordyn, Exavier, etc) and the plain old ‘yoo-neek’ WTF (Tamisha, Kiansha, etc).

11 11 2010
SD

COURAGE TBL as Blaine might say!

Or as Kurt may paste on his locker .

11 11 2010
Tone

Isn’t that the purpose of the TBL Facebook page?

10 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Guys,

That is a genius idea.

10 11 2010
clipper

Didn’t think V8s were that bogan – the tropical flavour is great and the orange ain’t half bad

11 11 2010
Nil desperandum

Touche’. I wondered if it was V8’s or VB’s.

11 11 2010
AntiPajero

Tomato. With salt, pepper and maybe some chilli.

11 11 2010
1/4 cast Bogue

Spicy. With vodka.

10 11 2010
James Hunter

I am a little concerned about TBL. It would appear that some oral orentation is manifesting itself.
From Angus to pussy. anyone volunteet to take TBL in hand? By way of finding a solution,of course.

10 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

I love the Bogan correspondence section idea.

maybe we regular contributors can help bring them to the attention of TBL.
any comment recieving 3 “clown shoes”
goes to the tribunal

10 11 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

I say instead of Clown Shoes it should be Arse Clown. Or just White Arse-less Chaps. 3 White Arse-less Chaps and you’re out.
Actually anything with Arse would be good.
Arse Hat.
Arse Half.
Arse Head.
Arse Shoes.
Arse Arse.

11 11 2010
v'visexxxion

We could just have an Arse Button, similar to the Like button on Facebook.

(#)

Is how it would look. Click on it and it goes straight to the Glassing Room. More clicks gets it higher up on the list. All we need now is a programmer to sort out WordPress….

10 11 2010
Mikey

“This was of particular interest to the bogan because, as far as the boganic alphabet goes, while ‘X’ is indomitably supreme and ‘Z’ is a clear second, ‘V’ is nonetheless located within the upper quartile in terms of symbol maxtremity. ”

I doff my hat and bow deeply.

10 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

I think butterflies are the “Bez” of the universal rock show.

hmmm

11 11 2010
chris

This thread confuses me. I just assumed theoretical cunnilingus had something to do with the theoretical female orgasm.

11 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

nice one chris.

Q: How do you make a woman have an orgasm?

A: Who cares!

a favourite.
I have another one about a witch
but it doesn’t work now I told that one.

11 11 2010
James Hunter

chubby,
at just the tender moment wisper in your loved ones ear “opps darling ,did I hurt you?” pause for about two breaths “You moved”

11 11 2010
martin

I think the one that best takes the piss out of our country’s bogan-ness has to be this one:

Why wasn’t Jesus born in Australia?

There were no wise men and no virgins.

Haha.

12 11 2010
StKildaGirl

Reminds me of this one…
Q: How do you give a man great head?
A: WHO CARES??

11 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

oh hang on, yes it does…

Q: How do you get a witch pregnant?

A: You fuck her.

boom. tish.

11 11 2010
AntiPajero

I deem this Appropriate Usage of the V-Lick™ due to the apparent boganness of the show it interrupts and the McMansion in the background.

11 11 2010
AntiPajero

12 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I thinks the presenter may need a new set of undies as well.

11 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

thanx for the teen wolf link.
classic.

11 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

ok
there’s nothing happening here,
we’re gonna go do some crop circles.

11 11 2010
James Hunter

Chubby, What kind of circle work did you say?

12 11 2010
12 11 2010
v'visexxxion

Poor mouse, I wonder he he got it there, was there a cheese cube inserted first? Actually if it was American, it would have been canned cheesewhip.

12 11 2010
v'visexxxion

It always comes back to Food For The Arse…

12 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

It seems to, strange obsessions we seem to have.

12 11 2010
v'visexxxion

It’s like we are subconsciously lured back to it every time. The siren song of the arse….

12 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Shirl will show up soon and then Hel will design a new porno for us.

12 11 2010
hel

Super Sphincter: Catch him if you can.

12 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Like a rat up a drainpipe – Mickeys adventures in 3d.

12 11 2010
hel

I would buy that. I will be in Melbourne this weekend for some Theoretical Cunnilingus, perhaps I shall meet Fiona and take it to the maXtreme

12 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Cool, we are expecting a recounting of your adventures at Crown.

12 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Maybe he was company for the gerbil?

12 11 2010
v'visexxxion

A date?

12 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

A sphinter says what?

12 11 2010
hel

Simon I am thinking of preparing a photo essay to document my tales however I am afraid if I go to drunk bogans and request a pic with them, and you all see it, my own boganity, neatly hidden behind my arbitrary image here, will be revealed in all its glory and I shall be vilified, cast out and ostrasized…..

12 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

No fear Hel, just duck lips and vlick simultaneously. Too hard for the bogue to co-ordinate 2 gestures and we will know you are mocking not participating.

We all have some bogan in us, some more than others. Even Fi has had some bogan in her we believe.

12 11 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Ew! But not in the sense of #124.

12 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Of course not. You are a lady after all.

12 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

At f*cking last the site is working proper like. we may be able to have proper conversation.

12 11 2010
v'visexxxion

I know, now as long as these people around me quit pestering me…. Anyway click on my name, i have started something special for us all to play with.

12 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I will, need to go out now, bloody work.

29 11 2010
James

Thank you TBL

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