Friday Bachelor of Bogan (BBo)

29 10 2010

It’s Friday. Please engorge your inflated medullae on the following:

According to the bogan, Joe Hockey’s swipe at the major banks is:

McDonald’s’ failed bid to open a restaurant in the Barossa Valley has:

Charlie Sheen’s drunken hotel rampage against a prostitute shows:

Lleyton and Bec Hewitt’s decision to reveal their bay’s name to their fans via a $2 subscription text message service:


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83 responses

29 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Back from WA (thanks for your missive Turnips)

Best value wines are below. The everydays are great and the Bill Bailey awesome value (pay $80-90 at name wineries for this quality)

http://www.brownhillestate.com.au/

Bogan of the week surprisingly does not come from WA but SA’s own bogan paradise Mt Barker. A former sleepy hills town now sub-dividing itself stupid. When you drive through town there is a new Harvey Norman etc megaopolis and you actually need to turn off the main road to avoid ending up in the carpark. Would catch out many a bogue who was trying to get back to their estate and ends up in the carpark wondering how it happened.

Anyhow in one of these new estates occupying what was once a quiet cow paddock is a Macmansion with a protest placard on the gate which reads

More Food – Less Houses
Stop Urban Sprawl

Do you ever want to knock on someone’s door and glass the c*nt for being too stupid to live? A deserving Bogan of the Week.

29 10 2010
chris

Simon, I concur. Mt Barker is a kakk-hole. Even my CUB sister calls it “the Elizabeth of the hills”

29 10 2010
hel

we also have a Mt Barker in WA, less bogan more hippie and lots of retirees complainging about the commercialisation of the area and the intrusive nature of impending infrastructure improvements. Who would have thought getting rid of dial up was a bad thing!?!?!?!?!?!?!

29 10 2010
Ben

shudder to think if the urban sprawl gets to the stage of Mt Barker and Murray Bridge Combining into one. highly doubtful though

29 10 2010
hel

you came to WA and you didn’t visit me? Burn in bogan hell!

29 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Sorry Hel, you did not send your address and photo!

29 10 2010
hel

well if you had asked before hand, I could have hooked you up with some quality WA clubbing, you would have been glassing left right and centre!

I’m in Melbourne soon and I am going to go, with my best mate, to Crown Casino purely due to the things I have read about it here! We are calling it our TBL field trip. Stay tuned.

29 10 2010
Tone

What makes me laugh is that Mount Barker residents love telling everyone they live in ‘The Hills’, whereas residents of other parts of the Adelaide Hills go out of their way to point out that Mount Barker ISN’T part of the Adelaide Hills as they are in a different council area.

That said, at least the Coles at Mt Barker is open from 7am until 11pm, 7 days a week. So Mt Barker is good for something.

29 10 2010
Bag O' Turnips

Glad you mostly enjoyed your time way out West, Simon!

I’ve just purchased my copy of the book (bravo TBL, the lairy graphics should reel in some sucker bogans, as well the usual wanker suspects like me) at an appropriate location, namely Morley Gonorrhoea, a profusely flowering shrub to the inner northeast skanky honeybees.

Perhaps my fellow Sandgroper and glassin’ acolyte Hel should see the trip up to teh Gonorrhoea as a field trip, putting aside her Beaufort Arrondissement sensibilities to brave a trip to Angus & Robertson, who carry it in stock.

29 10 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Oops… there should be a “Galleria” after the strikeout of my take on the shopping centre’s name.

3 11 2010
Mick

I recently had a week down Margaret River way and can fully endorse Simon’s choice of wines.

Brown Hill was the one most recommended by locals and they weren’t wrong.

3 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Glad you enjoyed it Mick.

I have a case waiting for me at the post office so will need to crack one tonight!

29 10 2010
vivisection

Welcome back Simon, Here’s a little homecoming for you :

29 10 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Wow, and I thought I was the only one who thought that…at least it came straight from the horses mouth…

29 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Appropriate given it is horse racing season. You know that bit of the year between footy and cricket when everyone pretends to be interested.

When I come to power horse racing will be banned. Unless of course SJP is actually being saddled up and then sharp spurs will be mandatory.

29 10 2010
vivisection

Only because its horse racing season….And therefore topical.

29 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Gold Viv,

It just never gets any less funny, like a good fart joke.

29 10 2010
vivisection

Oh ok then , last one, i promise….

29 10 2010
Pandabater

Yes, yes you do Sarah.

Horse racing is stupid.

Goat racing is funny.

29 10 2010
Benny Hill

Why so long in the face Jessica?

29 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

There was an old lady named Parker
Who though life couldn’t get darker
She went to a course
Bart thought she was a horse
Now she’s a Melbourne cup starter

29 10 2010
p'bee

fantastic, simon!

long face there, sarah
buy her oats and a salt lick
equine tendencies

29 10 2010
hel

she looks like a foot

29 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Thanks Dude,

Where is everyone? Shirl is probably running around the house singing “Stop, Potty time”. I know I am.

29 10 2010
Tombarina

I’m in hospital after surgery.

They have lots and lots of lovely drugs, and are liberal with them.

As a result, I currently have enough gear on board to nuke a moose.

Good times, good times.

Have a great weekend, kiddies….

29 10 2010
vivisection

Give that drip a squeeze for me bitch! And consider buying a power band, it may make you heal faster. Hope you’re ok:)

29 10 2010
p'bee

you also know the secret, so you just have to know you’ll be better fast and the universe will make it so.
get well soon.

29 10 2010
Pandabater

Look out Tomba, those spiders all over the ceiling are real 😉
Get well soon.

29 10 2010
Shirley M.

Get well soon Tombarina, and in the meantime, stay high.

29 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Harden up Tomba ya big girl.

29 10 2010
Sten

Hope all is well, Tombarina… if they end up giving you Valium, have one for me… I love that stuff, especially after a bottle of tequila!

29 10 2010
Shirley M

How did you f*cking KNOW!

29 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

We have similar tastes. I’m still not sure if that ad is genius or craptastic. We need the Chairman’s opinion as resident ad guru and Gruen board member.

29 10 2010
Shirley M.

How did you fucking KNOW?!

29 10 2010
Sten

Speaking for myself, Simon, I’ve started a new job and now spend my days pouring schooners. It’s eight minutes walk from my place, which makes a welcome change from the daily commute (and office politics).

29 10 2010
urbanreverie

As for me … I’ve been a tad quiet because the jacarandas have bloomed, which can only mean that it’s end of semester – I’ve been rather overwhelmed with assignments and upcoming exams. Some days I don’t get onto TBL until really late. And all the apposite and insightful observations I want to write, Turnips usually says well before I get the chance. Despite the two hours’ time difference. That sandgroping bastard! 🙂

Maybe once my exams are over I’ll become more active on TBL again. I might even bring back the Bogue & Boguette Show.

And get well soon, Tomba. Actually, don’t. Stay in hospital as long as you can, enjoy the meds. 🙂 As long as you’re not at the RBH. I do sincerely hope that you’re not there, the RBH has been awarded the Worst Hospital in the Southern Hemisphere award eight years in a row now.

30 10 2010
Pendant

I moved to Deutschland on a whim, haven’t had enough time for TBL (those Naz… um Germans sure love paperwork).

Just realised I’m the biggest Nazi of them all…

29 10 2010
p'bee

their bay’s name?

29 10 2010
nowai

All the youtube links go to the same YT clip (which is lols though).

29 10 2010
p'bee

yeah, they choose only one clip a week, the lazy bastards. but it is a fantastic clip, nd it got me wondering who would win a fight between rajini kanth and chuck norris.

29 10 2010
SD

Ooh what’s the clip? Can’t access it right now.

One of the editors in India just got busted for stealing this line on Rajnikanth: “If a tiger had sex with a tornado and then their tiger-nado baby got married to an earthquake, their offspring would be Rajinikanth”

http://www.slate.com/id/2267820/

So yes, Rajni always wins.

29 10 2010
p'bee

it started with him kicking a guy through the air and then through a car windscreen and back out a window and just got better from there.

29 10 2010
Michael C. Donovan

It’s an Indian Chuck Norris!

29 10 2010
p'bee

here’s a song for everyone to enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Er8PN385PEA

sorry i don’t know how to embed youtube videos.

29 10 2010
vivisection

Very cute!

29 10 2010
p'bee

best piece of sixties girl pop ever. more songs should include barking.

29 10 2010
urbanreverie

There’s no correct answer on the last question, all the answers take you to Rajini Kanth! Sorry, I just had to raise this matter before Pendant did. 🙂

29 10 2010
SD

Pendant has gone AWOL and decamped to the Deutsch republic. Urban you may take on his job.

But I think its intentional.

29 10 2010
Benny Hill

Ranjini is the Bollywood Chuck Norris. Sade sang a song about him.

29 10 2010
vivisection

Smooth Operator?

29 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Uhg – My father had that record. Horrible just horrible.

I was also thinking the other day with all our discussion of bad Aussie Rock how did we not mention 1927?

29 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Just to refresh your memory.

29 10 2010
vivisection

1 second in and I had to stop it. If I didn’t I’d have to put some sharp hello kitty pencils up my nose and slam my head down on to the desk. And as I go home in 15 minutes, suicide, even japanese schoolgirl style, isn’t the best idea.

30 10 2010
martin

I liked 1927.

Look you can hire them for your next birthday party Simon. I wonder how much it is.

http://www.southbeat.com.au/Major/1927.html

30 10 2010
TheBattlersPrince

That song made no sense…and I quote “Coast to coast, LA to Chicago…” :s

Anyone with a semblance of knowledge of US geography will understand my frustration…

29 10 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

jesus, who farted?
there’s been no-one here for days
lucky to get 50 damn comments up.
simon if I knew you were in the west I would have drived faster.
to come and see you that is.
not, like, run you over or something.
anyway.
Chubby and Edna still reporting live from Port Hedland. I ran into an old acquaintance at a supermarket and consequently spent the past week drinking too much Gin and not smoking enough huta. We were privelaged to attend a maxtreme barbie on the weekend at a brand new McMansion overlooking the salt piles. Port Hedland is officially the most bogue place in the world. The whole town has gone to the mines. We hve never seen so much new ink. Everyone seems to have a chevrodore-davidson jet ski. At the barbie Edna and i were continually laughing, rolling our eyes at each other as one by one we ticked off just about every item on the full list. Even my erstwhile army chum was the full embodiment of the modern nuvoguan, right down to the malay chinese wife, for whom he had thoughtfully purchased a fine set of massive cans.
all bintang shirts and tribal tatts out this way. when I told him he was a bogan (we were playing C.O.D.4 on the massive screen in the media room – pretty cool I must admit) and why, he called me a hippie, poofta and Gubbarigine. I had to look that last one up. Poor bastard was gutted he voted informal at the last election… if he’d known the greens would get a guernsey…
oh, and you should see the kitchen the emotion drums told him to buy…
A Treat.
just a treat.

29 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Hi Chubs, just a quick visit.

You and Edna will love Margaret River, the perfect tonic to Hedland. Travel safe dude. Oh when you get to Geraldton, just keep going, nothing to see there.

30 10 2010
martin

I’m a bit bogan bashed out to be honest. They’ve copped a real kicking thanks to this website.

3 11 2010
Mick

chubb.

I warned you about Port Hedland. I’m sure I did. I told you to turn left at the airport, didn’t I? You only have yourself to blame.

And sadly, everything you say is true. I spend five months a year in that dump. That also saddens me.

29 10 2010
vivisection

Chubby, It’s all very strange on tbl today – takes minutes for messages to appear, then you click on a name and the message isn’t there. Queer it is. Oh and i have to put my name and email in every time….I’m close to outraged.

29 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Me too. TBL are you distracted by the book?

It has been a pretty busy couple of days! Earlier today, three of us were down by Crown Casino doing an interview and photoshoot for The Age. You’ll be glad to know that our faces were obscured by a Twilight novel, an Australian flag, and the latest copy of Zoo Weekly, respectively. TBL

29 10 2010
vivisection

and to think I was about to go out and buy a new Mac Airbook because i thought it was my Imac misbehaving. I still might…Still outraged.

29 10 2010
p'bee

photoshoots, well aren’t you getting all la-di-da.

29 10 2010
Pandabater

That’s a stupid name p’bee, ladashdidashda.
But I expect to see it in the birth notices soon.

29 10 2010
p'bee

i shall name all my children la-di-da, whether they’re male or female.

29 10 2010
Shirley M.

Maybe if they’re male you could name them la-di-da-der.

29 10 2010
Shirley M.

It’s happening to me too. What a c^nt.

29 10 2010
p'bee

time to contact aca/tt to do an expose?

29 10 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

here’s a trick…
so, travelling as we are, I don’t always pay particular attention to my diet, so recently I got pretty constipated. {90% of story removed to preserve chubby’s credibility. TBL} ….. the sudden hot rush gave me the best orgasm I’ve ever had!
serendipity huh?
still constipated but.

now if I calculate aright – no swears equals no moderation.

29 10 2010
vivisection

My granddaddy us to tell us a similar tale, except , instead of a stick , he found a tent peg, and instead of flies, i think it was bees, or something, its so hard to remember…..

29 10 2010
Bag O' Turnips

Hi Chubby!

Glad I read it before the moderators stepped in…wonderfully juvenile, yet your cred remains no less diminished. We cam all have these moments; a bogan allows themselves to be defined by permanently exhibiting that type of behaviour.

A great laugh had and I pity those who missed out on this little anecdote 😛

29 10 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

see…
that has no right being published anywhere.
TBL can you take it down now?

29 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

P’bee you should post that on bogue names.

29 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms
29 10 2010
Pandabater

Hands up whose on quack?

29 10 2010
Shirley M.

Oh man. I hate him. He’s a supercalafragalisticexpialadouchebag.

29 10 2010
p'bee

that’s an idea, shirley. i can see myself screaming out ‘ladashdidashda and ladashdidashdadashder, get over her right now or youse won’t get ya maccas fer dinner!’ at westfield.

29 10 2010
p'bee

ok, that was meant to be a reply to shirley and is in the wrong spot and now looks all silly. this site is playing up a lot today.

29 10 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

tbl please take it down.
Please.

anyway.
bec & llllleyton eh?
sheesh!
maybe if they move to Buttfuck Idaho we won’t ever have to go through this again.

30 10 2010
Jess

And the prophecy is fulfilled — the book Freakonomics predicted that Ava would become a low-class name by 2015, favoured among the uncultured masses trying to emulate their celebrity idols. They looked at baby name trends over the past decades and the rise and fall of the popularity of different names, and found that celebrity baby names predicted a slow rise in popularity that eventually ended with the name being freaking everywhere among middle to low class, less educated groups, who were aspirationally naming their babies or blindly copying what everyone else was doing.

Not that I’ll be having a kid for at least 10 years, if ever, but Ava always seemed like a name with class, with connotations of the stylish 1920s. Now, IT IS FOREVER TARNISHED. There’s no going back…

30 10 2010
Will S

Like late adopters, but for names!

30 10 2010
brad

ditto for Jess

11 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

I never did thank the overlords for their efforts vis a vis my “credibility”.

the story is heaps funnier the way you guys tell it.

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