It is with great regret that Things Bogans Like report that the Hewitts have spelled their new child’s name correctly.
The trashmedia kraken has been salivating over Bec Hewitt (nee Cartwright) and her gradually gestating bun for the past six months. Naturally enough, as bogans seemingly can’t get enough of this one-time Grand Slam winner and one time C-grade celebrity (OK, B-grade, let’s be nice. Intense bogan love counts for an extra grade). The Hewitts have, over the past five years or so, made an art form of whoring themselves out to every trash mag willing to chuck a five-figure sum at them for softly-lit photos, then wailing loudly, in an echo of Shannon Noll (and most bogans) ‘what about me?’ when the media turns its attention to them unsolicited.
This past week, they managed to take the art of milking bogan bucks to an all-time new level when they offered bogans the chance to fork over their hard-earned for the right to learn their new spawn’s name before the trashmedia got their hands on it. Rather than merely Tweeting it to bogans, they have charged a $2 subscription fee, $2 per message and $2 unsubscription fee to get the news first. Thus, TBL have, at great expense (about $1 each), endeavoured to let you sidestep this extortion and can inform you that they named their daughter Ava.
Similar to the narratives of Home and Away, Neighbours and other Bogan-homing soap operas, the intertwining lives of the Hewitt-Cartwrights have held the bogan in thrall for years. When Lleyton Hewitt first made his appearance on the bogan’s TV, he was immediately welcomed as kin. His propensity for psyching himself up by shouting “c’mon” reminded the bogan of its own less-than-erudite yarlings, although the bogan is more accustomed to using its outbursts in instances of stubbed toes, stolen carparks, and escaped potential glassees. Hewitt’s athletic overreach also reminded the bogan of the disconnect between its own aspirations and its ability to attain them without any significant effort. The bogan was ready to forgive Hewitt for his lacklustre performance on the world stage, because of his uniquely Australian ability to fail dismally, but continually talk himself up to the cameras afterwards.
While Ava is potentially a non-bogan name, it is clear that the Hewitts could not remain detached from the celebrity appeal of naming their own spawn after other that of more famous parents (Heather Locklear, Hugh Jackman, Reese Witherspoon and some others it cannot currently think of). The accompanying graph also clearly shows that the Hewitts are well and truly in the lleyt majority on this one. It’s unsurprising as it is hilarious. Further, the angularity and symmetry of the three letters presents itself as an irresistible palindrome. Unfortunately the bogan does not know what that is, and simply perceives it to be a good ‘tattoo name’.
Then we come to Sydney. Just as the Hewitts came to Sydney for The Sydney International Tennis Tournament, exactly nine months ago. It can thus be inferred beyond all reasonable doubt that this child will forever carry the name of the city in which it was conceived. The Ultimate Australian City, for the Ultimate Australian Couple. For the sake of any future child of the Hewitts, we here at TBL hope that Lleyton doesn’t play tournaments in places like Düsseldorf, Marrakech, or Wagga Wagga. So, after witnessing this combination of max-celeb name with max-nationalist sentiment, the bogan approves wholeheartedly. Sadly, there will be many more Avas to come.