#188 – Our Ava Sydney Hewitt

27 10 2010

It is with great regret that Things Bogans Like report that the Hewitts have spelled their new child’s name correctly.

The trashmedia kraken has been salivating over Bec Hewitt (nee Cartwright) and her gradually gestating bun for the past six months. Naturally enough, as bogans seemingly can’t get enough of this one-time Grand Slam winner and one time C-grade celebrity (OK, B-grade, let’s be nice. Intense bogan love counts for an extra grade). The Hewitts have, over the past five years or so, made an art form of whoring themselves out to every trash mag willing to chuck a five-figure sum at them for softly-lit photos, then wailing loudly, in an echo of Shannon Noll (and most bogans) ‘what about me?’ when the media turns its attention to them unsolicited.

This past week, they managed to take the art of milking bogan bucks to an all-time new level when they offered bogans the chance to fork over their hard-earned for the right to learn their new spawn’s name before the trashmedia got their hands on it. Rather than merely Tweeting it to bogans, they have charged a $2 subscription fee, $2 per message and $2 unsubscription fee to get the news first. Thus, TBL have, at great expense (about $1 each), endeavoured to let you sidestep this extortion and can inform you that they named their daughter Ava.

Similar to the narratives of Home and Away, Neighbours and other Bogan-homing soap operas, the intertwining lives of the Hewitt-Cartwrights have held the bogan in thrall for years. When Lleyton Hewitt first made his appearance on the bogan’s TV, he was immediately welcomed as kin. His propensity for psyching himself up by shouting “c’mon” reminded the bogan of its own less-than-erudite yarlings, although the bogan is more accustomed to using its outbursts in instances of stubbed toes, stolen carparks, and escaped potential glassees. Hewitt’s athletic overreach also reminded the bogan of the disconnect between its own aspirations and its ability to attain them without any significant effort. The bogan was ready to forgive Hewitt for his lacklustre performance on the world stage, because of his uniquely Australian ability to fail dismally, but continually talk himself up to the cameras afterwards.

While Ava is potentially a non-bogan name, it is clear that the Hewitts could not remain detached from the celebrity appeal of naming their own spawn after other that of more famous parents (Heather Locklear, Hugh Jackman, Reese Witherspoon and some others it cannot currently think of). The accompanying graph also clearly shows that the Hewitts are well and truly in the lleyt majority on this one. It’s unsurprising as it is hilarious. Further, the angularity and symmetry of the three letters presents itself as an irresistible palindrome. Unfortunately the bogan does not know what that is, and simply perceives it to be a good ‘tattoo name’.

Then we come to Sydney. Just as the Hewitts came to Sydney for The Sydney International Tennis Tournament, exactly nine months ago. It can thus be inferred beyond all reasonable doubt that this child will forever carry the name of the city in which it was conceived. The Ultimate Australian City, for the Ultimate Australian Couple. For the sake of any future child of the Hewitts, we here at TBL hope that Lleyton doesn’t play tournaments in places like Düsseldorf, Marrakech, or Wagga Wagga. So, after witnessing this combination of max-celeb name with max-nationalist sentiment, the bogan approves wholeheartedly. Sadly, there will be many more Avas to come.


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59 responses

27 10 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I think they did spell it incorrectly. I think they spelled “Adelaide” as “Sydney”.

27 10 2010
Glass 'em all

It’s probably their way of spelling “Eva”. Or it’s pronounced “Avva”, as in “Avva go, ya karnt.”

27 10 2010
elroncho

Lucky he didn’t play tennis in Lahore.

27 10 2010
Fiona of Balwyn

I am in tears right now… need to hide under my desk to laugh in privacy

27 10 2010
p'bee

everyone’s aware of the existence of the town of fucking in austria, aren’t they?: http://maps.google.com.au/maps?hl=en&tab=wl

27 10 2010
T-Mac

Personally, I thought this pregnancy was under-reported in the bogan media compared to the previous two. This time around, they seemed more concerned with Miranda Kerr and Princess Mary.

27 10 2010
bellastarkey

Remember that they named thier other kid Cruz, emulating the most exhaulted of all “international sporting celebrity and untalented former celebrity who would probably be working at k-mart now if it wasn’t for who she is married to” couples, The Beckhams.

27 10 2010
Ian

Wasn’t it the Beckhams that named their kids after the cities they were conceived in as well?

27 10 2010
Robbie

I’m sorry to correct you TBL but Hewitt is a two-time Grand Slam winner….doesn’t take away from his bogue-ness though 😛

Apology accepted. Although we meant one-time as in ‘once upon a time’. http://www.answers.com/topic/one-timer TBL

27 10 2010
CoffeeSnob

Initials of the child are “ASH”.

That’s all I got.

27 10 2010
hel

Rhymes with “cash”, a bogue may not know a palindrome but it can rhyme! Actually, I challenge that, maybe a bogue DOES know what a palidrome is thanks to the great educator Seymour Skinner…. “Otto, there’s one palindrome you won’t be hearing for awhile”

14 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

Oi, that’s my name.

14 04 2011
James Hunter

Ash, be a brick and change your name to Ashlar. Bahahahahaha

14 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

Or I’ll just have to use my full name. Which I only allow my mother to refer to me by.

14 04 2011
chris

If she’s anything like my mother, then that would be right before she gives you the death stare. 😀

14 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

Pretty much, only the death stare is generally followed by a torrent of Tamil. The only time she speaks anything other than English to me is when she’s mad.

14 04 2011
chris

Hahaha… any time I hear “Christopher” my first reaction is to think “sh!t, what have I done wrong now”.

27 10 2010
hel

I am guessing it is no accident “Our Bec” is wearing a fascinator in the photo. I now want to stab her in the Uterus with afore mentioned fascinator then go fix my eye make up which is running down my cheeks thanks to the tears of laughter I am trying to supress whilst at work. Again, cheers, farken luv ya work ya carnts!

27 10 2010
Robbie

hel…your ‘stab her in the uterus’ remark has me crying tears of laughter 🙂

27 10 2010
hel

Well we need to try and do something to stop these Bogues continuing to breed. To the ever expanding Hewitt clan, “F*ck off, we’re full”

27 10 2010
Pandabater

Later in life she can be known as Ava Good Time.

27 10 2010
TheBattlersPrince

I’m sure they would pronounce it “av-AH”, rather than “AY-vah”…pronunciation is as bad as it being misspelt in my humble opinion…

27 10 2010
p'bee

completely off topic, but weeks ago i started what was planned to be a semi-regular bogans on public transport comment. it’s been quiet on that front for ages, but today made up for it. a young femme bogue was on the train with her kid, approximately two years old. the kid asked a question about someone called ‘nuggy’ (that may not be the correct name but is what it sounded like) and this was the femme bogue’s response:

“no, nuggy’s your real dad and he’s in gaol.”

27 10 2010
hel

It could not have unfolded better if it was scripted. “Nuggey” ; being a Bogan it is probably some reference to him taking a dump someplace public as a dare. I doubt the bogue is savvy enough to use that moniker to describe a nuggety build.

27 10 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
What has Adelaide done to deserve a comment like that ?

27 10 2010
Sydney Fi

What a shame
Ava is a lovely name
But alas, she has a good chance of ending up a bonafide Boganfide dame, Exploited in the fame game!

Haha…I’m a poet and didnt know it ; ))

27 10 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Just a question Sydney Fi, but if we have Fiona of Toorak, what Sydney suburb do you reside in?

28 10 2010
Sydney Fi

Yep, but I am Sydney, not Melbourne.

27 10 2010
martin

Ava sounds a bit like Eva to me ie Eva Braun ie Hitler. Not a bad name, but not one that I’d choose.

27 10 2010
Pandabater

I hope next time Llleyton gets lucky its in Asbestos, Canada.

27 10 2010
p'bee
27 10 2010
Suze

This couple really have every trick in the book covered when it comes to whoring innocent children to the highest bidder. Quite revolting in my opinion, but quite bogan-ly -is that even a word?

27 10 2010
martin

I think the joke is on us. This is what we have to put up with whilst innocently consuming our “news”. We don’t have much choice because it’s either that or ABC or SBS libtardness.

28 10 2010
Shoulder Chip

Whoring innocent children is covered in Boganomics 101. The follow-up course is decidated to merchandising the said whored-out spawn of a bogan whore.

28 10 2010
Pandabater

I’ve seen all those mobile suscription thingies on tv for love tester or whatever but never for “news” from “hacks”. Is this a new thing?
Whoever thought of this has cracked open the bogan goldmine.
Except the bogans do all the shovelling, genius.

28 10 2010
Ava

My middle name is now Brisbane. Bloody bogans!

28 10 2010
JimC

I’m stunned they didn’t name her ‘Ayva’

28 10 2010
Chris

@ Fiona of Toorak,

why are you even commenting on this topic? Your name is Fiona. If Ley Ley called his kid that, child services would be called in.

29 10 2010
Maggie

Maybe Lay Lay should play a tournament in the States, specifically Blue Ball. Hopefully that would mean no more offspring. How much money can one couple make off their kids, and why do people buy this s**t in magazines?
Could have been worse, I guess. The new bogan name of the year is (wait for it)
R-IA.
And how is that pronounced you might ask???
Ardashia.
Hope the parents (whose other kids are probably call Typhannie and Talon) are saving hard for the therapy their kids are gonna need.

29 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

*Glass*

29 10 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Maybe she’ll need therapy when all the kids latch onto the hoary old joke about liquor in the front and poker in the R-IA.

29 10 2010
sarah

i’ve been looking for a middle name for my soon to be born child. Thanks to the king & queen bogan my search is over: Camden. Maybe i could spell it with a y?

29 10 2010
vivisection

No, in nouveau-bogue it is spelt Kamdehn.

29 10 2010
vivisection

or Kamd’hn

29 10 2010
lolplates

Khmer Rouge! That is a name that oozes class and sophistication. It has that foreign and exotic charm that speaks volumes of how great taste you have for naming children

4 11 2010
Mick

Bogans think Khmer Rouge is where you go to watch strippers in Paris.

29 10 2010
Nelson Esq

Off topic…Regular TBL postees will remember we spoke about ‘The Chaps’ in the UK and the idea of creating something similar here in the form of a modern Australian Gentrleman, well there is change in the air!

http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/lifematters/the-age-of-the-gentleman-20101028-1759d.html

Taken from the article, this passage pretty miuch sums up the image I had of the Modern Australian Gentleman: “He is chivalrous, but not patriarchal. He is well-groomed without being pretentious or dandy. He’ll open the door for someone – not because they’re female – but because it’s a nice thing to do. He doesn’t mind meeting his mates at the pub, but he has no qualms inquiring about the riesling.”

29 10 2010
vivisection
7 11 2010
XXX

These parents just think they are so clever. Everyone else just laughs at them. Dumb as rocks!

7 11 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

ha!
just occurred to me my middle name should be Maroubra.

8 11 2010
ad

I think we are being to cruel to the bogan twins……they both provide loads of laughs and most importnatly they set a standard to keep away from…

Amazing with so much money and freedome that htese two lightweights continue to be a national embarrassment.

12 11 2010
shayna

use should leave em alone u bunch of stuck up dickheads use are just ignorant get a life an stop hassling them just trying to lead a good life just cuz their better then u go get a life u scum

23 11 2010
p'bee

bogan name? check.
bad spelling and grammar? check.
no punctuation? check.
defending celebrities as ‘better’ than others? check.
throwing insults? check.

you sure tick all the bogan boxes, shayna.

23 11 2010
hel

She even wrote “use”! That was too perfect to be a REAL bogan! It has to be one of the writers! No freak of nature could put something of such perfection in a forum such as this! Shayna, forget making some extra cash getting your gash out in RALPH or ZOO, you are now, officially, a TBL wet dream xxxxxx

23 11 2010
hel

I am actually goign to cut n paste her response and send it to my other TBL loving mates

23 11 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

That’s what I figured as well, hel – it’s gotta be a troll.

A real bogan would at least have spelt “youse” correctly.

23 11 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Bogans love to use CAPITALS as well.

23 11 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

When I heard about this, I couldn’t help but ask myself – are the Hewitts really bogans, or are they just extremely (maybe even maxxtremely) smart and they’ve figured out just how to perfectly milk the bogan dollar?

17 01 2011
karl

“Hewitt,is cheap Red Wine”,Vin ordinare Tennis player,and he’s basically an Unattractive Male,i mean the guys Ugly,Hewitt is always looking at me in supermarkets from all the trash mag’s.

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