#187 – Fascinators

27 10 2010

You might call them hats. Surely – once – everyone did. But the bogan, when faced with the prospect that it has purchased (hence, is defined by) something that is akin to what any old shmo could also purchase, must figure out a way to differentiate itself, post-haste. This, naturally enough, created the ideal conditions for the rise of the fascinator.

Fascinators, so named because it is truly fascinating that anyone would fork out money to clip feathers to their heads, are, today, a feature of the racetrack, and routinely appear beneath words like ‘fashion’ in the newspapers’ social pages. Effectively, the fascinator is a hat that makes the femme-bogue look like a Nissan Patrol that collided with a parrot.

The fascinator originated forever ago, when milliners, faced with minimal remaining material for hat-making, needed a scheme to convince ye olde femme-bogue that something it bought for less, with less effort or material, was actually better. One crafty such hat-maker noticed a pigeon land on a cow, and voila, the fascinator was born. While the term, and the hat, fell into disuse in the 1970s, the re-emergence of bogans in plague proportions in the 21st century has led to its revivification.

The nomenclature also allows the femme-bogue to convince itself that it is headgear that causes the homme-bogue’s fascination. It is indeed quite fascinating that male bogan is taken by the retina-scorching aesthetics of what is essentially a shambolic crow’s nest.  That said, the male bogan may see the crow’s nest, but all it can think about is storming the poop deck.

What is actually causing the fascination, of course, is the combined efforts of two six packs of corona and the femme-bogue’s slatternly behaviour. And, of course, the two ripe ‘fascinators’ spilling out the top of her gauche and anatomically-insufficient attire. The fascinator also lends a perceived degree of class to the femme-bogue’s getup, giving her carte blanche to be as tactless in her behaviour and show even more tandoori limb and cleavage as would otherwise be acceptable.   Indeed, impartial observers have theorised that the scale and gaudiness of a female bogan’s fascinator is an inverse measure of the female bogan’s ability to fascinate a bystander once it opens its mouth.

The female bogan will not, at any other point of the calendar or compass, consider any headwear beyond a sunhat on the beach or beanie with stupid horns or ears in the winter. Every spring, however, when the racing carnivals start up, bogans will reach into the cupboard, and dust off last year’s effort, a pink-and-black number that by race nine she had named ‘Svetlana’. Rapidly, it will realise that pink-and-black is no longer in, having routinely checked the inside fashion pages of NW, and dash out to Myer to acquire the new season’s latest in odd and inappropriate headwear.


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69 responses

27 10 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. In honour of the season, I’d like to remind everyone that the femme-bogue should be referred to as a “filly” – until the final race on Oaks Day.

27 10 2010
Dgusten

Fi, I think I ran into you or one of your friends on Monday: one of the old biddies at Toorak station handing out flyers about the planned residential towers to be built right next to the station?

I, of course, initially thought she was spruiking the obvious brilliance of building more housing where infrastructure (such as trains, buses and trams, parks, schools, shops etc) was already established, rather than continually re-defining Melbourne’s boundaries to turn more and more green land into another service-less Legoland of McMansions.

But upon telling her that the area was prime for such housing, I was shocked to discover that she actually opposed the plan! Something about the towers being out of character with the area (I must admit, the SKM building is a delight that perhaps should not be overshadowed…)

So there you go – I apparently support “inappropriate development”! Outrageous, but true.

27 10 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Ugh! As if we want high density, low cost housing in Toorak! If it were up to me, I’d raze any home less than 50 squares that’s on land of less than 4 acres. One must have sufficient land upon which to ensconce the ancestral manse.

28 10 2010
Reginald G. Cornwright, esq.

Sir,

I must protest in the strongest possible manner that the hideous caterwaulings of the so – called ‘Fiona of Toorak’ have been published in the pages of an august journal such as that maintained by yourself. As has been repeatedly established in reputable scientific publications, those of the fairer sex lack the necessary faculties to formulate rational and dispassionate arguments. As such, I strongly believe that the comments should be restricted to those of a male persuasion, thus avoiding the need to pander to the requirements of the female.

That Miss Fiona is commenting at all represents a failure on the part of her paterfamilias in my opinion. It is the duty of the man of the house to school his daughters in the art of maintaining a house. That Miss Fiona’s male betters did not see fit to restrict her use of internet telephony services is troubling indeed. The sheer volume of material on this resource will likely result in the female becoming confused and agitated, and in a condition rendering her unmarriageable to all but the most fevered Chinaman.

28 10 2010
vivisection

I’ll bet she touches herself too.

29 10 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I LOL’d.

28 10 2010
SD

On The Chap scale a 7/10. Well done Sir though I regret I do not share your sentiments on the fairer sex or our beloved Fiona.

29 10 2010
chris

Fiona’s a female???

27 10 2010
Shirley M

This is quite scathing. Awesome.

I wrote a haiku about the Melbourne Cup last year that you may appreciate for it’s relevance:

It’s Melbourne Cup day.
Please stick your fascinator
up your drunk slag bum.

27 10 2010
YB

That lovely Haiku has me sniggering like the naughty little private schoolboy I once was.

27 10 2010
Benny Hill

Wow the photo is quite intriguing. The filly with the black dress is copping a feel of the drunk ‘horse’ bangin skank while the bloke is able to nurture her on one knee with his power balance band.

Nothing says bogan more than those little champagne bottles.

1 11 2010
JimmmyMick

Saw a 4pack of Mumm minis in my local Dan Murphy’s yesterday, a total steal at a mere $93.20.

9 11 2010
Wooster Old Chap

its really the use of straws that make the little champagne (well is more likely to sparkling wine (of sorts) isn’t it) all that more classy I find – especially the straws with the loops in them

27 10 2010
Vivisection

TBl, you forgot the more recent emergence of the “Hatinator”, a smaller hat/fascinator combo that eliminates the unnacceptable risk of the filly-bogue accidently wearing a fascinator during a hat year or a hat during a fascinator year. Hedging her bets (because she is now an expert on racing, for November at least), she chooses to wear a Hatinator.

31 10 2010
Edward

Hatinator = Cybernetic hat from the future which is sent back in time to destroy a specific organic hat, so that organic hats will not threaten the supremacy of cybernatic hat in the future ?

31 10 2010
Edward

Damn, “cybernetic hats in the future”. Mumbled curses.

27 10 2010
martin

“Tandoori limb and cleavage”? Aw that’s gross, but brilliant. I hear it costs about $100 just to walk in the door at the cup. F#ck I’d still like to go one time though.

27 10 2010
Benny Hill

It certainly is an eye opener martin. Worked there as a young-en in hospitality and if anyone has seen the movie ‘Kenny’ about the bloke who cleans toilets for a living there is a part in the movie that is spot on.

Bogan blokes standing at the bottom of the escalators to look up the ‘ladies’ dresses, people getting plastic’d all over the shop and at the end of the day we took the chaff down to the members tents where the filly’s chowed down at half price.

Monster trucks has less bogans (per capita) than the Melbourne Cup.

28 10 2010
martin

Ok. I’ll give it a miss then and just enjoy it from afar.

Unless in the mean time I become a bogan celebrity and get invited into one of the tents. 🙂

5 11 2010
right and proud

Ahh yes, the joys of racing carnivals. Bogans get dressed up and think that makes them ‘sophisticated’ all of a sudden, hence giving them licence to behave like drunken morons, stumbling all over the place and pissing in areas that are rather indiscreet.

Honestly, if you couldn’t bet on horse racing only a very small number of the population would give a shit.

27 10 2010
SD

Thank you TBL for nixing my first foray into boguery- there goes my plan to wear a super large feathered fascinator (assembled with ingredients from Spotlight), drink cheap wine and watch the Cup on telly.

The new bogues have nothing on old school French bogues. http://www.fashionencyclopedia.com/fashion_costume_culture/European-Culture-18th-Century/-la-Belle-Poule.html

27 10 2010
p'bee

the femme bogue will be heading in to lincraft to buy her make your own fascinator kit for $15.

27 10 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Or if you’re my girlfriend, buy one off a mutual friend for $30, who used the same aforementioned technique to produce this hideous affront of ‘fashion’…

Am I the only one who finds it ironic that, opposed to humans, in the animal kingdom it’s the male of a species that are the attractive ones; the so called fascinator facilitators?

27 10 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

Interesting there is a velvet bank rope behind the mourners. While this picture is borderline bad taste if it was from a certain funeral yesterday, I am sure there will be a lot of tears during this Spring Carnival and none due to gambling losses.

27 10 2010
hel

there is another woman passed out, legs akimbo, (possibly fellating the bent over male bogue?) that I only just noticed, so if this is from a certain funeral (which it isn’t, surely) that is one hell of a send off!

28 10 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

Yeah, just noticed a couple of “overage” wristbands, some empty bottles of Moette or Hardys sparklin and a femme bogue hand up the crying babes skirt. Dont think it is a funeral after all.

27 10 2010
p'bee

the upper class can pull out some pretty hideous hats at the races. i think this woman just stuck her head in her garden: http://www.theprovince.com/soundslides/Operation_Phoenix_One/First+Royal+Ascot+horse+races/3156827/story.html

27 10 2010
hel

I wish to fall into a pit of bogue inspired hyperbole in order to express the brilliance of this post, wonderful work! The disturbing factor, however, on a personal note, *coughs* I am currently wearing a small fascinator……………. but it is not Cup Day so does that make it ok?

27 10 2010
CoffeeSnob

Indeed some have not forgotten the origin of the fascinator and keep true to the “bird on cow” imagery:-

27 10 2010
vivisection

I liked Adebisi’s fascinator in Oz – that little hat had a look of its own.

27 10 2010
laurenbee

I always did wonder how that hat stayed on…. I figured it was out of sheer maxxxstemeness

27 10 2010
Lord Pomperoy Fadsquidge

A strategically placed cranial mutation, perhaps..?

27 10 2010
vivisection

I’d put money on him using nail varnish or eyelash glue. Typical standard prison issue stuff….

27 10 2010
missy

How about sheer will-power?

28 10 2010
Jodie

If you were that little scampi-hat and Adebisi told you to stay put, you’d stay the fuck put. Motherfucker was crazy.

27 10 2010
Lord Charos

This is quite possibly one of the best posts I have read. Some of my favourite bits:

“You might call them hats. Surely – once – everyone did.”

“Effectively, the fascinator is a hat that makes the femme-bogue look like a Nissan Patrol that collided with a parrot.”

“the re-emergence of bogans in plague proportions in the 21st century has led to its revivification.”

“That said, the male bogan may see the crow’s nest,”

I congratulate you TBL, you have truly come out with a master piece of epic proportions. A good day this is!

27 10 2010
James Hunter

I realy love the classy hats with a couple of plastic red penises on top that the charmers wear on hens nights.

27 10 2010
vivisection

The cockinator, I believe they are called.

27 10 2010
TheBattlersPrince

Haven’t they become a total balls up!?

27 10 2010
Pandabater

Usually the orange cloud I see comes from the steelworks, but next Monday it will come from a local boguentrepeneur who is offering $10 Tandoori sprays for Melbourne Cup Day.

27 10 2010
hel

“boguentrepeneur” Pandabater I dip my Fascinator in reverence to that. Oh dear Lord everytime I see a Cashed Up Bogan I shall refer to them thusly!

27 10 2010
bec

Probably your best-written entry thus far. Two entries in a day, on such a rotten day as today was? What a treat.

27 10 2010
Will S

I just had to sit through Today Tonight’s report on Westfield’s new biggest ever shopping complex, where every outlet was the “biggest in the southern hemisphere!” of its brand.

I think I need to buy 5 copies TBL’s book or I might throw up

Out tomorrow! TBL

28 10 2010
SD

Will check it out today.

But I am also waiting for Pendant’s report 🙂

28 10 2010
p'bee

so annoyed that i’m sick and can’t get to a bookstore until at least the weekend. i want my book now!

28 10 2010
SD

Get well soon p’bee and keep taking a healthy dose of TBL now and then.

29 10 2010
Pendant

As much as I’d love to do a write up, I won’t be able to view to book for quite sometime as I’ve relocated to Germany. I’ll have a copy shipped in soon enough though I’m sure.

29 10 2010
Aye Aye

I checked it out yesterday. If you are a Yuppie or CUB you will be in 7th Heaven, if you can’t afford ‘designer’ fashion or don’t enjoy window shopping in a fluorescent mining tunnel don’t bother.

29 10 2010
p'bee

so is it like the new mid city centre – all steel and glass and modern and like an office building?

28 10 2010
Claire

I quoth DC Root of the band Root (now sadly split up), formerly known as Humphrey B Flaubert of the band TISM (ever more sadly split up):

“Getting drunk at the Melbourne Cup
Is as Australian as a failure to work
With your fascinator and your three-grand skirt
Legs akimbo in the car park dirt

Hello, hello, hello, hello,
Uncle Vom Vom is coming to town
Uncle Vom Vom is coming to town
Hello, hello
Uncle Vom Vom is here
We hate him when he’s coming, but we love him when he’s been
And some things are better out than in
Hello, hello, hello
Uncle Vom Vom”

29 10 2010
Bag O'Turnips

You read my mind. I’d been thinking about “Uncle Vom Vom”.

Magnificent, Claire! When I hear that song with footage from Kennysuperimposed in my mind, all the while reading this blog entry, I found myself in paroxysms of laughter…too funny!

28 10 2010
laurenbee

I know its a tad delayed, but I had to congratulate TBL on its use of the word “Slatternly”.
I havent heard that since my Nanna was still with us…..

28 10 2010
chris

Never did manage to get to the Melbourne Cup. The closest thing I can think of is (don’t laugh) the Easter race meeting at Oakbank. Fewer trollops in fascinators, more college kids puking over their moleskins at 10 in the morning.

29 10 2010
Wot, Kunt?

“The re-emergence of bogans in plague proportions in the 21st century”

The veracity of this one line has depressed me sufficiently to spare you a long rant for once; am simply not in the mood to wax verbose now. 😦

Ergo: fuck animal exploitation and FUCK bogans in fascinators.

29 10 2010
pellicle

is it just me or has noone commented on why is the woman in the black skirt seeming to be feeling up the woman with the pheasant growing out of her head?

29 10 2010
...

Can the next thing bogans like on the list be Australian Top Gear?

29 10 2010
hel

oh god isn’t it awful! As a fan of the original I must say it certainly ticks all the bogan boxes, it is the CSI of automotive entertainment

30 10 2010
...

i have to agree – it had shane warne on the first episode as well as lisa mccune and they drove utes around a dusty racetrack… cringeworthy

31 10 2010
Edward

Does anyone in fact like the epitome of superfluity that is Top Gear Australia ?

Oh look, here comes Iron Chef Australia. even though a television production company in another country is happy to take in revenue by licensing spin-offs in other markets, it still doesn’t make something a good idea, or in any sense necessary.

31 10 2010
Edward

Oh woeful day ! T.B.L. is back at number six on the results list, behind Mandurah. I know a little about Mandurah, Western Australia. I am not especially surprised that people living in this malignant metastatic growth from Perth are resorting to the internet to find something to do in their urban satellite, but still, the shame.

31 10 2010
James Hunter

Edward you need to explain what entertainment is “necessary”.Is everything except public anonmcements to be banned?
With regard to overseas shows do you propoise that we exist on Australian unecessary productions ?
It seams that you have some problems.
Do you have any suggestions as to how to give us what you dream of ?

1 11 2010
Edward

Oh dear someone called me on the practicalities. I am perfectly happy watching Top Gear, in it’s original form. Entertainment has become quite
international, but I accept that Australia should have a healthy television industry. There has been some world class content produced in Australia in the past, but there are problems with the protectionist local content laws. It tends to result in the importation of concepts, made locally but identical in formula to the original source, along with re-narrations, and defacto Australian content, which is why so much New Zealand derived programming, classified as contributing to the requirement for local content has been transmitted here in the last few years.

I don’t accept that television should be used solely as an official outlet. There are countries where this is the case, and I wonder that anyone would watch television there.

Do I have answers though ? No, I was just venting.

Does anyone imagine that the people responsible for Iron Chef Australia won’t get it wrong though ? It’s like American adaptations of British television shows and American adaptations of British and European films. With the exception of The Office and True Lies the result is always inferior, and the je ne sais quoi which made them appealing in the first place is lost, somehow.

1 11 2010
brad

“Life on Mars” US version was pretty cool

2 11 2010
Jade

“One crafty such hat-maker noticed a pigeon land on a cow, and voila, the fascinator was born.”

Still laughing at this..

2 11 2010
p'bee

photo 13 makes me think ed hardy got into raceday wear before going into receivership: http://www.smh.com.au/photogallery/sport/horseracing/melbourne-cup-racegoers/20101102-17b0b.html

2 11 2010
p'bee

i apologise for, ahem, exposing everyone’s eyes to photo 38.

5 11 2010
SD
8 11 2010
jed

i come back here and find you still haven’t done bank bashing? we do know it’s a bogan’s right to rack up as much debt as possible and be completely incredulous if they’re ever called on to pay it back. and you have to squeal from the rooftops what bastards the commonwealth bank are – especially if they do the unthinkable and actually dare to raise interest rates back to where they were 2 years ago.

i wonder what the bogan has been doing with all the extra cash they haven’t paid in interest during that 2 years? saving prudently, I’m sure.

9 11 2010
wacky

The best way to de -mystify the massive salaries top bank exec. and other corporate heads receive is…………..remember the adage ‘ that a person in a workplace washroom is no more equal there, than anyone else going about the same business’. Right?

So, with a calculator. take their published salary, work out their days of estimated work in a year, break in down into hours and finally minutes. Now give them a couple of ‘ten minute’ times in the wash room per working day.
You can then safely estimate the whooping amount of money, they actually receive……. just to have a shit or piss !!!! Perhaps even 50 to $100 dollars. I have done some such calculations for the fun of it. The question comes to mind: in light of that, do they really need to use toilet paper, or then paper toweling to dry their hands?

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