#186 – Sporting Memorabilia

25 10 2010

The bogan does not learn its lessons. This is demonstrated by its ongoing capacity to be seduced by home fitness equipment, reality tv, and the idea of seducing hot Asian chicks. It either simply does not remember its past experiences, or it chooses to ignore them in the present. But in a rare instance of the bogan devising a solution to assist it with its shortcomings, it has developed a way to retain proof of things that have happened. This echoes the 1991 Australian movie “Proof”, where Hugo Weaving played a blind man who obsessively photographed the world around him, as proof that things were as they were described to him. In the film, Weaving befriended occasional bogan icon Russell Crowe, who was adept at describing Weaving’s photos to him.

The bogan decided that it too needed a Russell Crowe in its wilfully blind existence, and initially found it in the form of octogenarian former Australian cricket captain and occasional bogan icon Richie Benaud. During the drinks breaks on Channel 9 cricket broadcasts, Benaud assured the bogan that only 500 framed photographs of Adelaide Oval, taken from the Cathedral end, during a test match in 2008, were available. As Benaud whistled lyrical about how remarkable a piece of memorabilia the photo was, the bogan knew it had found its proof. Proof that the test match occurred, and proof that Punter, Haydos, and Clarky all whacked centuries in the first innings against the curries.

To the bogan, it also represented proof that it was able to invest in its future. With only 500 photos available, the bogan was certain that its savvy purchase of the sporting memorabilia adorning the wall of its rumpus room represented the ideal nest egg. “It’ll be worth double that in a couple of years!”, squawked the bogan to its friends during a discussion about the retrospective merits of investing, which is normally shorthand for “residential property investment and pyramid schemes. Indeed, impulsive sporting memorabilia investment is viewed by the bogan as the ultimate blend of shiny possession, and mystical money-generating tool.

Of course, it didn’t stop with the panoramic photo of Adelaide Oval. The bogan is also likely to possess products ranging from a sweatband once used by Mal Meninga, to the tank top Lleyton Hewitt was wearing when he proposed to both Kim Clijsters and Bec Cartwright. Rendered insolvent by its willingness to purchase sporting memorabilia (combined with its freewheeling expenditure on countless other things it does not need), the bogan turned to the internet to save money. The bogan outsmarted the greedy sporting memorabilia shop at Chadstone shopping centre which was selling an authentic signed Muhammad Ali photograph for $1500 by finding one on eBay that looked pretty much the same for only $150 – signed and all! The bogan drummed its fingers together, cackling deliriously at the 2000% profit it was sure to derive by selling the sacred depiction of Muhammad back to a different bogan in a few years time. In the meantime, the bogan has proof. Proof that it is a bogan.


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78 responses

25 10 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Thankfully, I only have original Old Masters hung upon the walls of the ancestral manse.

25 10 2010
hel

Choc Milk cartons signed by Home and Away starlets don’t count Fi

25 10 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. What is a “Home and Away starlet”?

25 10 2010
travisty

“old masters”? So you have a signed photo of viv richards fi?

25 10 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I don’t think so. What period did he work in?

25 10 2010
travisty

The Packer Era.

25 10 2010
Tone

Richards is one of the greats from the Benson & Hedges school of One Day International mastery.

25 10 2010
Shirley M

I like this.

25 10 2010
A-Bomb

How many bogans were left fuming after the report by investment people from Sotherby’s a few years ago that Channel 9’s “memorabilia” was worth less than they paid for it? And would never increase in value because a production run in the hundreds is not “limited edition”

25 10 2010
p'bee

bogans don’t know of sotheby’s so wouldn’t know the report.

25 10 2010
vivisection

They would for ebay to make a report on the current market conditions.

25 10 2010
Tone

If RPData expanded out of property and into sporting memorabilia, they’d be all over it.

25 10 2010
Lana

Hmm ive come to the realisation and conclusion that we *THE smart ones* could make a hefty buck off the bogan..

Market rubbish as good and you are sure to have a flock of loyal bogan sheep willfully following till the new craze comes out..

25 10 2010
vivisection

Oh Lana, welcome!! We here on the comment board of TBL are at the forefront of scheming plans for fleecing the bogans of their hard, well, earned, well ok, their money.

25 10 2010
Tone

Lana wouldn’t have to try too hard. All she’d have to do is to come up with a logo that appeals to the bogan’s lack of taste and put her name in it. Given that bogans are easily influenced by subliminal messages (e.g. things spelled backwards), it should be a lay down misere.

25 10 2010
vivisection

(*) would be the perfect logo for Lana’s subliminal bogue fleecing bizznis.

25 10 2010
p'bee

good logo. what can we sell?

25 10 2010
vivisection

Log Refinement
LAN(*)

25 10 2010
vivisection

Logo, not log should be logo, not log! What would freud say??

I think Lan(*) would have to sell Power Beads. For enhanced pleasure.

25 10 2010
Tone

Donkey Punching Bags?

25 10 2010
vivisection

Super Absorbent Donkey Punching Bags with Super Low Resistant Technology. So pliable you could lose a fist and burn eXXXtra calories trying to retrieve it.

25 10 2010
p'bee

maybe, but i was thinking we should keep it along the sporting memorobilia lines. what about inflatable penises specially signed by warney to commemorate his romp with strippers in a hotel room?

25 10 2010
vivisection

A medicine ball, replicating the one Warnies mum gave him. Signed by Warnie and his Mum??

25 10 2010
p'bee

a smashed camera, with personalised abuse from warney.

25 10 2010
vivisection

Smutty text messages from Warnie sent hourly by subscription. With the occasional picture of his bits. I’d get Mum this for Xmas.

25 10 2010
p'bee

now you’re thinking, viv.

29 10 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I’d love to see this cornucopia of limited-to-10 000-release memorabilia nestled in a new concept store (maybe I could secure a lease at the soon-to-be-reopened Westfield Sydney, formerly Centrepoint) called “Has-Beens & Dickheads”.

There’d be then some truth in advertising…imagine what you could buy there!

Let’s get the list rolling…

Signed tennis balls from tournaments that Our Lleyton loses

Autographed copy of any Kochie “how to succeed in investment” book

Warnie’s superseded mobile phone…from 1997

Bottle of Valvoline motor oil with a life-sized cardboard cutout of John “Golden Tonsils” Laws

Autographed copy of 1927’s …Ish

Signed and framed poster of the Popstars cast

Neighbours board game

Cardboard cutout of Brendan Fevola (yes, I saw one at my local health food store, gasp!) with a strap-on dong attached

Further suggestions of what I could stock?

25 10 2010
YB

A set run of 500 identical objects is well within the dictionary definition of “limited edition”. It does not, however save the object from the possibility of being worthless.

25 10 2010
vivisection

Is TBL offering a limited edition (10,000), signed and framed copy of the book? I hope so.

If we did that, I don’t think there’d be any of the original print run left for non-bogues to buy! TBL

25 10 2010
vivisection

Then you would need to have an “Invitation Only Preview Sale”. Oh wait, that’s a bogue thing….

25 10 2010
Tone

So the chances of there being a maxtreme limited edition bound in a commemorative Ed Hardy jacket are slim, then?

Looks like I’ll just have to buy my copy of the book from a store like the Lesser People. 😛

25 10 2010
lol-plates

When Roy and HG were on triple j they would quite regularly mock sporting memorabilia. I miss those guys.

I was half expecting a post on v8s on the Gold Coast. I watched a bit of it and wittnessed the entire TBL embodied in ch7 and the patrons. I don’t think I saw that much fake tan in one spot. I did get a laugh out of the XXXX dancers…

25 10 2010
lol-plates

TBL needs an edit function.

The v8s have sporting memorabilia: v8 supercars the soundtrack!

25 10 2010
Gorery

Sweet crap, V8 Supercars. Try explaining to a bogan that the old “Ford vs Holden” rivalry is about as relevant in V8 Supercars as jumping off a bridge flapping your arms is relevant to flying and they simply won’t listen.

ME: “Lowndes won Bathurst three times in a Falcon, now he’s won in a Holden. What does that tell you?”
BOGUE: “Holdens are better”

I was even told by a bogan once that it was OK to “like Craig Lowndes” because even though he was driving a Ford at the time, “he drives like a Holden driver”

25 10 2010
hel

“he drives like a Holden driver” = so he drives like a bogan from the Northern Suburbs?

I need to go into Northbridge soon on a Saturday night and track me down some bogans and start up some conversations, I want more of these inciteful pearls of wisdom. Just need to avoid getting glassed. (Aside: security footage caught 30 + bogues fighting outside Paramount Night Club the other week, our police force didn’t even bother showing up, God bless WA)

25 10 2010
Robbie

25 10 2010
Darryl

I heard the person who started this crap and is the major owner is Tony Greig. Anyone know if this is still correct?

25 10 2010
Gorey

Dunno Darryl, but it wouldn’t surprise me.

Why does Dick Johnston wear his flame-proof suit when he’s doing an ad about security doors?

25 10 2010
hel

The security doors have built in explosives to really deter criminals from breaking into the Bogue McMansions, he is just being cautious.

25 10 2010
Captain Bastard

Correct in that he started it. Part of the payoff from KP for Tony signing up the English team to WSC was helping set it up and allowing him to flog it as part of the commentary.

As to whether he still controls it, no idea. Possibly the rules changed when James exited ch9?

25 10 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

I’ll confess to boganity here – I have a framed Sharks jersey from 2008 on my bedroom wall. And I have bought some of the Cricket Australia memorabilia once – a signed Steve Waugh shirt in 2003 – but that was a birthday gift for my dad who still has it hanging on our wall at home.

I also have a Craig Lowndes wall hanging commemorating his 2006 Bathurst win, but I bought that for $50 from a pawn shop so I don’t count that.

But, hell, we all have a little bogan in us.

25 10 2010
vivisection

No bogans in me today, big or little.

25 10 2010
XXX

It’s almost a bogan chant in my husbands extended family ” that’ll be worth a fortune in a few years time”. You should see the assorted crap they have accumulated thinking that they have something of immense value when what they really have holds less value than Crystal D’arque (remember that rubbish!!!!!!)

25 10 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

At least I’ve never deluded myself that the memorabilia I’ve bought is going to have some great future value – hell, the Lowndes wall hanging I got for probably a tenth of what the bogan who bought it new paid.

25 10 2010
AntiPajero

Do they have any Duff beer?

25 10 2010
XXX

Duff really does have some value now, so I doubt they would have been that savvy.

26 10 2010
AntiPajero

I saw that people are selling it at $500 per can on eBay. What people are paying for them is a different story.

28 10 2010
chris

I have an empty Duff can that I use as a pencil caddy. It was given to me full, but in the spirit of Homer I was thirsty one day and drank it.

25 10 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

The Adelaide Oval Cathedral End is tagged as a link for anal? Well, there are a lot of arseholes in that area.

One of the last bastions of male piggery at that end on the Sunday of the Test match.

25 10 2010
Dgusten

This memorabilia always does quite well at charity auction balls. It’s obviously cheap to produce and donate, and then the charity gets to auction it off to a bunch of people with varying degrees of baganity keen to show that they’ve got enough cash to spend on crap in the name of charity.

Said bogans are, of course, suitably plied with enough Crown Lager to bid longer and harder for crap that even they would recognise as crap if they weren’t drunk.

They even get to sting the non-bogans. At a recent ball I attended, my boss decided to put on a few bids on a cricket bat signed by the Australian team (or something like that) in order to push the price up. Once the price was sufficiently high, he happily stopped bidding and a bogan happily paid for the bat.

And then someone associated with the charity came and told my boss that they had another one of the bats so he could still buy it.

Hahaha. Fundraising brilliance.

26 10 2010
laurenbee

You just described my dad at a charity aution…. he always returns with some piece of junk…..
We have a Tiger Woods ball, A signed Warney picture & a signed Wayne Carey jersey… All the sexual deviants.
We did have a signed Thorpey picture but that got taken down after a heated debate over his sexuality.

25 10 2010
Lord Charos

Written very well.

If anyone wants a laugh then visit Conservapedia… It is amazing that people can come up with such large amounts of nonsense.

25 10 2010
SD

Charming, Dawkins entry has large pictures of Hitler and Stalin. Because all atheists/”evolutionists” are megalomaniacs. And never mind the Right’s creepy fascination with Nazism.

25 10 2010
Gorey

Conservapedia likes to pretend that Hitler was an atheist. Therefore atheism=Hitler.

25 10 2010
Sten

I suppose the fact he twisted Darwin’s work around to his own monstrous beliefs doesn’t help. It still doesn’t excuse such intellectual dishonesty though.

25 10 2010
p'bee

conservapedia likes to pretend anything they disagree with is nazism and anyone they disagree with is hitler.

25 10 2010
SD

Murderous megalomaniac thinks he is God and practices (un)natural section = Hitler=Stalin=Atheism + Theory of Evolution= Dawkins. Surely the conservative movement can do better than these dimwits.

Their entry on Darwin is howlarious – Darwin’s illness as a result of guilt for even thinking of his theory, his racism (surely he should be their poster boy here), Darwin as God blah blah. At least it would be howlarious if it was not depressing.

25 10 2010
Sten

No thanks… while many here would probably laugh ’til they cried, I reckon I’d just cry.

Goddamn Right-wing nutcases… the US would be alright if we could just nerve-gas everything between the two coasts (with the possible exception of Illinois and Louisiana) and start again.

But the whole Dawkins=Hitler/Stalin? Please. These are the same folks who banged the drum for Bush and his gun totin’, Jesus hollerin’, brown people bombin’, criminal, antediluvian cronies.

26 10 2010
AntiPajero

You should see what they believe about Kangaroos and Dinosaurs.

26 10 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

As a (moderate) conservative I wish to distance myself as much as possible from any such website.

25 10 2010
Pendant

“during an a discussion”

That is all.

Urgh. Thanks. TBL

25 10 2010
Pandabater

Not only do you have to bite your tongue when shown the new “investment” but also have to resist violence with the news that it is going “straight to the poolroom”.

But in saying that I reckon a used Mal Meninga sweatband (if used in a Test or GF) may actually be worth something.

25 10 2010
Shoulder Chip

And on a different note … some bogans never learn. (well not just some of them) http://www.news.com.au/national/man-with-rebuilt-face-gets-glassed-in-club/story-e6frfkvr-1225943061327

26 10 2010
AntiPajero

I saw that yesterday. I was counting down on one hand the number of seconds that would pass before it ended up here.

26 10 2010
martin

Whenever I see a glassing in the news I just assume that they deserved it. The bogan can be very evil indeed.

25 10 2010
GunsandButter

hahaha This is one of the funniest sites I have seen in ages. I am living overseas and try and explain what a Bogan is to people… Now I have a site to dedicated to the “Australian Bogan”. Thanks……

26 10 2010
Phil

Can’t help myself…

A 21-year-old man has been charged by police in Ipswich for allegedly tattooing a penis on a man’s back – instead of the image he had requested.

The 25-year-old victim had been visiting the man, a professional tattooist, at his home in Bundamba last Wednesday when he was talked into getting a tattoo.

He wanted a yin and yang symbol with some dragons, but was instead shocked to discover the 40cm tattoo was of a penis with an obscene slogan.

The key word in the slogan was also misspelled.

The man now faces considerable cost to have the image removed.

Police said the tattoo-ing followed an argument between the men, during which the professional tattooist allegedly took offence at something the other man said.

The victim has also alleged he was punched and thrown out of the house following the tattooing.

The 21-year-old is due to appear in Ipswich Magistrates Court on November 15 charged with two counts of assault occasioning bodily harm and one charge relating to the Public Safety Act.

26 10 2010
p'bee

why would you agree to someone tattooing your back after having an argument with them? how dumb can you be?

26 10 2010
26 10 2010
Shoulder Chip

And in other news …

Isn’t it wonderful working in a bogan heartland. Each week in the local paper there is the newborns in the district – babies born recently in the Bacchus Marsh and Melton hospital. And this week’s winner is Nevaeh. No meaning apparently, just Heaven spelt backwards.

26 10 2010
Nelson Esq

“That’s going straight to the pool room!”

Have to admit, in my pool room, I have a dedicated ‘bogan corner’ where a pictures of Peter Brock racing at Bathurst and Mark Webber in his Jaguar F1car adorn the wall. The rest of the room is tastefully decorated, I can assure you!

26 10 2010
lol-plates

Is the Jag either crashed or broken as it normally was 😛 Poor guy can’t seem to get a break.

Signed guitars are worth a shiny penny.

27 10 2010
$hruglife

Usually, unless the guitar is signed by Hendrix or someone of that ilk, a genuine early release of a guitar is worth far more than a signed re-issue. A mint condition 59 Les Paul would be worth far less if scribbled on by someone in a lycra jumpsuit.

29 10 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I’d agree with that: even a properly road-worn, yet-playable Fender, Gibson, Rickenbacker or Gretsch from the 50s or 60s is still worth a considerable sum.

Check out Jackson’s Rare Guitars in Annandale, Sydney, for the values of examples of some of the finest axes ever crafted. And me being a bassist who plays a Rick, this place was giving me serious wood from ogling at all that serious wood!

26 10 2010
Pandabater

# 187 – Looking Up

If there is one thing that the Bogan requires, it’s constant stimulation. Whether it comes from a massive can of Mother for breakfast, the smell of fossil fuels burning in the morning, last years designer drug or having ‘Sex on fire’ hammering through headphones 15 hours a day the Bogan must ensure that there is some sort of wave being radiated toward itself at all times.

So, at most times during the day the bogan can fulfil it’s own needs but there are some places where he finds himself trapped with no signs of stimulation present.

Whether he is standing in line at Centrelink, ready to demand what is rightfully his after doing his back in, sitting in the waiting room at the doctors to get his script refilled for monkey steroids or waiting in line at Porchetta’s he can find himself with no distraction to take his mind off his surroundings which may be filled with foreigners, bludgers & other carnts that shouldn’t be there cause we’re fckn full.

Fortunately a solution reveals itself. The bogan hears a whisper on the breeze. He lifts his head toward the heavens & finds salvation. Hanging precariously from a dangerously undersized bracket is 32 inches of wonder which solves all of his problems.

Twelve minutes later with approximately 7.5cm of drool hanging from it’s chin the Bogan is comfortably numb under the spell of Whoopi & the girls & thinks to itself, this is fckn awesome, I’m gunna get stuff & I’ve got an extra 18 inches at home waiting for me.

Thanks to Clare (#179 Tradies) for the idea & chubby’s bush medicine for the inspiration.

27 10 2010
Will S

Not bad. Extra marks for lots of references, but it lacked clarity and focus.

I give you four massive cans out of five.

28 10 2010
Loftie

“In the meantime, the bogan has proof. Proof that it is a bogan.”

My favourite quote in a while…

31 10 2010
devil's advocate

One piece of sporting memorabilia that came up for sale was the last of the r32 GTRs (piloted by Jim Richards and Mark Skaife) to ever run at Bathurst.

Sold by private treaty, from what I heard.

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