The bogan does not learn its lessons. This is demonstrated by its ongoing capacity to be seduced by home fitness equipment, reality tv, and the idea of seducing hot Asian chicks. It either simply does not remember its past experiences, or it chooses to ignore them in the present. But in a rare instance of the bogan devising a solution to assist it with its shortcomings, it has developed a way to retain proof of things that have happened. This echoes the 1991 Australian movie “Proof”, where Hugo Weaving played a blind man who obsessively photographed the world around him, as proof that things were as they were described to him. In the film, Weaving befriended occasional bogan icon Russell Crowe, who was adept at describing Weaving’s photos to him.
The bogan decided that it too needed a Russell Crowe in its wilfully blind existence, and initially found it in the form of octogenarian former Australian cricket captain and occasional bogan icon Richie Benaud. During the drinks breaks on Channel 9 cricket broadcasts, Benaud assured the bogan that only 500 framed photographs of Adelaide Oval, taken from the Cathedral end, during a test match in 2008, were available. As Benaud whistled lyrical about how remarkable a piece of memorabilia the photo was, the bogan knew it had found its proof. Proof that the test match occurred, and proof that Punter, Haydos, and Clarky all whacked centuries in the first innings against the curries.
To the bogan, it also represented proof that it was able to invest in its future. With only 500 photos available, the bogan was certain that its savvy purchase of the sporting memorabilia adorning the wall of its rumpus room represented the ideal nest egg. “It’ll be worth double that in a couple of years!”, squawked the bogan to its friends during a discussion about the retrospective merits of investing, which is normally shorthand for “residential property investment and pyramid schemes”. Indeed, impulsive sporting memorabilia investment is viewed by the bogan as the ultimate blend of shiny possession, and mystical money-generating tool.
Of course, it didn’t stop with the panoramic photo of Adelaide Oval. The bogan is also likely to possess products ranging from a sweatband once used by Mal Meninga, to the tank top Lleyton Hewitt was wearing when he proposed to both Kim Clijsters and Bec Cartwright. Rendered insolvent by its willingness to purchase sporting memorabilia (combined with its freewheeling expenditure on countless other things it does not need), the bogan turned to the internet to save money. The bogan outsmarted the greedy sporting memorabilia shop at Chadstone shopping centre which was selling an authentic signed Muhammad Ali photograph for $1500 by finding one on eBay that looked pretty much the same for only $150 – signed and all! The bogan drummed its fingers together, cackling deliriously at the 2000% profit it was sure to derive by selling the sacred depiction of Muhammad back to a different bogan in a few years time. In the meantime, the bogan has proof. Proof that it is a bogan.