The bogan has never really been known for its love of ornithology. And indeed, it’s unlikely you’ll find too many signing up at the Victorian Birding Association, or patiently waiting in remote South Australia for a glimpse of the rare Northern Shoveler. But here’s the thing; the bogan – almost exclusively the femme-bogue – just fucking loves ducks.
To test this theory, simply attend any location where you will confidently find both bogans and alcohol (alcohol optional). Pull out a camera and aim randomly at any femme-bogue you care to capture and witness the metamorphosis take place. With a rapidity that verges on the instantaneous, the female’s features will twist and distort into an extraordinarily lifelike impersonation of the common waterfowl we all know and love. This process will be repeated ad nauseum, so long as there are cameras still operating in the area. In fact, when cameras are spent, mobile phones will swiftly find their way to an elevated position above small clusters of female bogans, often held aloft by the alpha femme-bogue, as such a raised perspective apparently reflects a more cinema verite approach to capturing this quite common event.
If one were to venture farther afield, to more exotic locations, one would find, behind the inevitable velvet rope, somewhere near the DJ booth, a nocturnal variety of this tremendously non-endangered species; the duck a l’orange. This subspecies, which tends to emerge at night in southern climes in the depths of winter, manages to achieve an extraordinary, glowing hue of an evening with its unnervingly incandescent skin tone and white plumage, which under the black lights native to its regular habitat can glow several shades of iridescent colours.
While regularly observed, there is no conclusive evidence of the cause of this bogan behaviour, although there has been a marked increase in instances of bogan duck-faces since the advent of the book of faces. TBL believe, therefore that this form of exhibitionism started, as all bogan memes do, with early adopters ironically appropriating pop culture. Derek Zoolander became famous for pulling the ‘Magnum’ (often mistaken for the ‘Blue Steel’), which became the photo gag du jour for scenesters eager to milk ironic cool. Soon, this spread to bogan photography, in the mistaken belief that this was an epic max celeb thing to do while being photographed, despite there being little to no photographic evidence of any self-respecting celebrity anywhere twisting its features to resemble those of an semi-amphibious prey animal.
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milk ironic…there’s irony for ya
you miss the irony now that the milk jug pic is gone
LOL. The cinema verite pose described above is perhaps better known to the bogue as “the fat chick” pose: camera held above head, nothing below ample cleavage showing.
I believe the official term is the ‘myspace pose’.
LOL. That makes sense. Only fat chicks have MySpace. The average lesser person has facebook of course, while the intelligentsia spend their days on twitter. And (mostly) here.
Dear Fiona,
Surely a lady of high class such as yourself should abhor the relative lack of intelligence shown by most tweeters?
LOL. @fiona_of_toorak. Follow me and I may deign to follow you back.
There’s a lot of very intelligent people on Twitter.
LOL. Well, I’m only one person Shirley, so perhaps “a lot” is a bit of an exaggeration…
Oh I wasn’t talking about you. Gee.. this is a bit awkward.
LOL. For you, yes. But of course, not for me.
Shirl, roll your eyes, roll your eyes.
Also Fi where iss your Bio, we are all quivering with anticipation?
LOL. What bio?
See Fridays BBO. In honour of the book we have all written a personal bio. So we know a bit more about each other and our motivations.
It is a chance to employ your classical education with a bit of composition.
LOL. Really? Very well, let me go look it up…
The intelligentsia do not use Twitter. Have you taken your medication today?
LOL. I was referring to myself.
Yes, that was the point of her comment I would say.
LOL. Evidently not.
For example:
http://tinyurl.com/26j6ecu
Alas, Shirl, it has existed for far longer in the guise of “internets disease”. I do believe it predated Myspace.
Of course, but the term ‘myspace pose’ in now commonly used to refer to this tradition.
Agreed. That pose always makes me laugh. And think that maybe deep down they knew their Supre spandex dress WAS too tight to leave the house in after all….
The other strange pose that pops up on book of faces occasionally is the duck impression done in the mirror with the picture taken via mobile phone.
I dont get it. Am I missing how that makes someone look attractive?
And head must be tilted to maaxtreme angle to catch the remnant f a cheekbone.
hahaha duck l’orange… that made my day.
x 2. Excellent work TBL.
While the preferred nomenclature may be ‘duckface’ I personally prefer ‘arsemouth’.
Still, duck l’orange was a very good call.
… or cat’s clacker
Picture change so soon? I like Derek, but I loved the hot duck with douche bag…
LOL. Yes, put the old picture back up.
Oi ya TBL carnts, youse can say what you like about them duckface chicks but when you diss my man Zoolander, you got a farkin glassing coming.
This is GOLD. I knew there was SOMETHING weird about all those early 20’s chicks’ facebook pics with identical poses, but you’ve nailed it TBL! Well done.
Yeah, agree, but you overlook the fact that the duck thing is not limited to early 20s chicks. Not when it comes to bogans.
Still, this post is totes exemplar of all that is coolsies about TBL.
lol…’This is GOLD’ … thats bogan lingo.
say no more!
The duck face. Close relative of the ‘awkward lean’
Thank you. It’s *beautiful*.
The bogans, fifth from the top – dear God.
ha haaaaa, nice one. ‘why is autism so in this season’. I’m using that one.
Hahaha. Gawd. If I had a buck for every Leaning Tower of Bogette Blondeness on my Facebook friends list…well, yeah.
Why did I have to grow up on a bogan belt? 😦
You have to put the other pic back; Zoolander is funny, but that otehr pic is funnier for so many reasons.
Have a look back through our recent posts. The picture has appeared before, which is why it was changed. TBL
Bugger! Other, not otehr; that’s a little hamlet in New zealand.
ah, you forgot to mention other “poses,” especially the awkward lean, the pussy lick
edit: beaten by someone who is married and beautiful
AH! The pussy lick! Surely there is a post dedicated to this one! Or the propensity to throw up pseudo gang signs, COUPLED with a duck face! Now there is a boagn wedding album for you!
That is the second time I have done boagn instead of bogan, blame my broken arm.
Perhaps squeezing the breast of a duck a l’orange (as per first photo – which still is on the facebook link) inadvertantly results in a reflexive duck face response ? A result of not enough genetic variation between interbreeding bogans ?
I have in my possession a mint-condition copy of the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen “Style Secrets” book (first edition of course – sorry Fi, you cannot have this one for the library in your palatial manse, this remains firmly in my grip), and the only way I can tell them apart is because Mary Kate loves to duckface at the camera.
Apparently, such a look can be achieved by saying “prune” as one would say “cheese” in front of the camera. Perhaps our delicious bogan morsels are too saying such a thing…
This is a great example. Maybe you should use this for your picture TBL:
Or this one:
Fark me:
I’ll stop now. All photos courtesy of the anti-duckface facebook group.
WHY would someone voluntarily do that to their face?
She looks like she’s impersonating a cat’s bum….
the one on the right looks like she’s about to vomit.
i think this one is particularly scary:
step away from the photoshop.
1. The lady on the right got the expression wrong.
2. The lady on the left got everything but the expression wrong.
Bravo, Shirley M
“duck a l’orange” when I saw the title of the post I immediately thought of this, I blame my watching “Babe” last weekend.
You gotta hand it to modern day camera manufacturers. Back in the day, if a camera lens were to be aimed at a particularly ugly femmebogue, the lens would crack. These days, the lens just quacks.
Then you get a big bill to repair it
Dad joke.
… from someone called “Benny Hill”? Ouch, that stings.
Wow, you showed me Fauntleroy, didn’t ya.
aww, shucks. Sorry, princess.
Waddle they think of next?
Maybe something that’ll stop these girls from fowling up the internets? (Hope springs eternal)
canard-ly wait for that to happen.
all of you are loons.
Flock off the lot of ya!
as well as the interweb
Brilliant TBL!
This is one of your best.
The amazing thing is that they curiously sound like ducks too, always travelling in flocks.
Quack Quack Quack Quack
bravo.
the pay off comes in about twenty years when the kids find all the photos of mum in her youth.
we had hours of fun giggling at our folks in their wide lapels, collars and flares, and my kids are gonna wet themselves when they see me joining the army in 1984 – taking the oath in a pastel pink polo shirt and pale lemon slacks.
the difference being the ancestors just had bad fashion sense. The current mob will appear to be congenitally diseased to their unfortunate spawn.
one of the joys of being in the west is rolling out of bed at 7:30 to find my TBL
freshly delivered and steaming hot.
(and simon, fiona won’t bio – she’s already used all her material, so we already know she’s not that funny… or interesting)
Yes looking back at duck-mouth shots will be like looking at very early photo portraits from back when they all had to sit perfectly still for 16 minutes and ended up looking like stunned mullets / miserable cnuts.
Thank you for coaxing bios out of the regulars, cbf ! I’m having a grand out time working out what makes most the regulars tick. In FoT’s case, I’m guessing it’s somewhat haphazardly placed ones and zeros.
Chub, a couple of things: Thing the first. The poor kids are likely to be afflicted with CDF (Congenital Duck Face) Syndrome, so the sight of a photo of mumsie with Blayze, Teearnuhh and Roxxeigh all mugging at the camera is unlikely to provoke much of a response. Secondly, the poor tykes will have been looking at mum for all of their wretched lives, so they will be pretty shockproof. Example: the tramp-stamp that looked just so hot when she was 22 now resembles a consumptive’s used snot-rag thanks to the ravages of time. Oh the horror
Hi Edna & Chubb: hope you’re enjoying the worst of the West! I’m in Syd-a-ney, having lunch at a café in Pitt St right about now.
That you get TBL first thing in the morning is one of the few things good about not having daylight savings and being three hours behind VIC/NSW/TAS and 2.5 behind SA. hope you remembered to set your watches three decades back when you’re out West, the only state to still vote Wiberwal and where it’s th height of bad manners not to have discussed the price of your home by the second sentence of a conversation with someone you just met, kinda like Sydney around 2001.
Ah, wide lapels – an apparent sin obscured by the overall sartorial splendour of our grandfathers and great-grandfathers in the ’30s and ’40s.
Last night I changed my facebook status to a rant about the idiocy of duck face, I feel so topical right now. Your observations would make Bill Oddie proud!
Hel, where is your bio? Come on, get to work. We need to know.
Well Simon, I am a bit of a lapsed Catholic and I love my footy tipping, I am trying to make it as a pro photographer and in my down time to keep fit I enjoy Zumba and my Wii fit (I need to do it to lose my baby weight and burn off the Krispy Kreme donuts I eat but usually when dancing my ass off at the Cas and making unsolicited music requested I manage to burn it off) My favorite song would be “Paper Planes” by that Indian chick. I’m not racist but normally I wouldn’t listen to that shit, even when eating a nice Butter Chicken. I’m currently decorating my awesome new house (5 bedrooms, 2 media rooms and a flat screen in each room!) with some great Buddhist iconography and also planning my wedding in Thailand, got a great deal on Jetstar (my tradie BF is getting huge for our big day, bless his hard working ass) I really enjoy Aussie Hip Hop, MIchael Buble a good tropical debate and I am so hot I am literally on fire.
I assumed the hot bit. Only hot people are allowed here. I’m smoking hot by the way. *duck face*
What about Fi?
She closely resembles Reese Witherspoon. Make of that what you will.
So she’s ugly as hell then?
Oh well…I’d still marry her for the money. (Come on, Fi. All you rich ladies have jungle fever. We know it).
Hmm … I imagined her to look more like Fiona Apple. She’s been a bad, bad girl ….
I thought it was decided that she was a hybrid Anna Wintour and Princess Margaret. (Sorry Fi, it’s the gay that makes me so cruel)
LOL. Ew and EW to both of well, you!
or was it Princess Anne?….
LOL. Try Grace.
I was picturing more of a Sharon Osborne, possibly because Fi admits to a large ass
LOL. I have admitted to no such thing as it’s simply untrue. Snd most unkind of you to insinuate it is.
Princess Wattapiti of the South Seas.
so who’s the delicate man she’s been careless with?
Oi carnt. Do you know how many times I’ve rubbed one off to that particular video? Now I won’t be able to anymore cause all I’ll be think of is LOL. Thanks a lot.
Hahaha the duckface! Gold! This has been going on for quite some time in the Asian circles, usually done by chics but sometimes, goodness forbidden, guys also! They’re usually in their early 20s but that age limit is on the rise. In the Asian circle, it all apparently started by the Japanese film/TV/magazine/X-rated video stars. With the non-Japanese people’s love for all things Japanese, they copied, complete with their tilted heads and extremely close-up shots. We called that ‘the 3/7th face’ in Hong Kong – only 3 parts of the possible 7 parts of the face are shown when the camera approaches hahaha!
Various species of duck, in many different environments. Great for any budding ornithologist.
http://antiduckface.com/
I personally love roasted duck served with dumplings and sauerkraut (well, not so much the sauerkraut) with a demiclace sauce, especially as found in Prague. Truly, if it can be harvested by rod or gun, the Czechs will eat it. And usually so will I.
Does that make me Bogan?
are you making a duckface as you eat it?
Hell no!
And personally, I despise the duck-arse haircut which was so en vogue among metrosexual Bogans five years ago, even if I appreciate the fact that these “soccer’s for women and poofters” copied it from none other than England’s most overrated footballer of all time, David Beckham.
Also known to often appear with the ubiquitous side-ways peace fingers in numerous online photo albums (read: from the Facebook pages of the bogues that I stalk, I mean investigate). I know a person who throws in a “side-wayz peace fingaz” in nearly every photo taken of her. Every time I see them I can’t stop thinking of shallow graves and deserted state forests.
I just love it when TBL highlight the bogan things I am not.
because there are so many I am.
bye bye broome. the noosa heads of the north west. actually mix in a bit of byron bay too.
that is not intended as a compliment.
The prettier a place is, the more the bogans flock it seems.
just to be seen, no doubt.
“oh broome! We went nude on cable beach!”
yeah you and fifty other fat, sunburnt baby boomers.
oh, something else bogans apparently like – salon dreadlocks.
get the bone out of your nose and eff off back to portsea dick head.
I want to rip salon dreadlocks off peoples heads when i see them, screaming grow your farkin own!!! There is no time or place.
not to mention the fact salon dread locks fly in the face of what dread locks represent, ironically so I believe.
“Yes I wish to pay in excess of $1000 to look like I am one of the great unwashed masses”
knobs
Oh and has everyone seen the bogan driven advert for, I believe it is some brand of flavoured milk? Laced with inuendo about knob polishing, dropping a brick, banging the missus etc? Quite a class act and surely ripe to lure in the bogan market, there is no subtle element at all to ponder so the bogue can consume without fear that their remaining brain cells will not be bombarded with anything resembling a neuron firing.
I’m sure if they used the ‘Got Milk’ adverts from the States, the innuendo would be unstoppable…
well it would if bogans knew what inuendo was, I hear they think it is a bad 80’s glam rock band from Oz
The only source of information I can think of where the Bogan would be exposed to ‘innuendo’ would be the Scrubs marathons on the Comedy Channel; specifically pertaining to the character of Todd. I’m sure this font of knowledge gives license for Bogans to dispense with double entendres as liberally as “that’s what she said”…
For the record, I have to throw this one in just for the lols:
“I’d like to double HER entendre!”
Hey Prince, that’s what she said lol, lmfao, rofl (bogan speak I believe)
Innuendo, I thought that was an Italian suppository. Boom Tish!
Oh stick it up your arse Viv…
to expand on that, good one Viv, for all the good it added to this chat you may as well have shoved it up your a*se
I thought innuendo was an Italian suppository.
Innuendo was also Queen’s last album released before Freddie Mercury—a master of innuendo and high-camp himself—succumbed to HIV/AIDS in 1991.
Ahhhh! The single-entendre!
Here’s a theory, after remembering to spend all available funds on hairdressing, cosmetics, prophylactic botox, designer clothing and accessories, fad diets, fad exercise regimens, a music player which is only slightly better than any other music player, but nevertheless dominates the market to the extent that it would be unthinkable to buy an off-brand equivalent, a camera phone (likewise), the duck-faces forgot to go to the dentist.
And they smoke, so pouting has become the new smiling. Could this be the explanation ? Or is the world just spiralling down into psychosis ?
A little from column A and a little from column B 😛
Do girls learn to do the duck at the same place where 13 year old girls learn that superior/supermodel expression?
Also, what is the name for blowing a kiss at a video camera?
The full duck?
so in this context, what the hell would a duck blind look like?
A drunk duck.
I’m calling the RSPCA.
That dude that got busted having sex with a duck, maybe he was really blind and thought it was a chick he had picked up that evening? Would that hold up in a court of law?
While you’re on the phone PB, let them know about the Wallaby that was popping E’s and swilling booze in Dublin…
http://www.smh.com.au/environment/wallaby-reported-dead-from-ecstasy-and-booze-at-disco-20101020-16sxd.html?autostart=1
So we have doing the ‘duck’, what would the wallaby look like?
Bec Hewitt
Skippy the prostitute?
Kangaroos can box = hookers
People want ducks.
There is also the Jessica Simpson open mouth pose immortalised on Go Fug’s places. Because nothing spells s.e.x.y like a half open painted orifice.
Our Brynne is also now a Favoured Fug. Here she is in a dress that starts approximately half way down her body and culminating in a wildly creative scissoring of pantyhose er tights.
http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/go_fug_yourself/2010/10/brynnegordon102010.html
duh, go fug’s *pages*.
I wish she’d just fug off.
“Fück-a-duck, fück-a-duck”…
I’m most surprised that no one thus far has raised the other duck that bogans like: Plucka Duck, from Hey Hey It’s Saturday.
I had the misfortune of experiencing gallstone pain on Saturday evening in Melbourne and while waiting to be seen to at Alfred Hospital, this abomination was on the waiting room telly.
I don’t know what was worse: the agonising upper abdomen pain, or the reheated turd that has been defecated once again by bogan popular demand.
What a way to cap off an otherwise excellent time in Melbourne. Perhaps I should’ve asked Fi about where the nearest private A&E was in the inner east, as that is both where she calls home and where I was staying on my trip, given I do have top private cover, as much as I find it ethically challenging, I have it out of necessity and I could have well avoided this double bogan dense experience…
Say what you like about Brynne, but she got her wedding MCd by George Costanza. I would give up my testicles to have my wedding MCd by him. Plus, then I’d finally be able to become a lingerie model as well and live up to (half of) my name.
“Brynne Fugdon-Edelfug”
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
don’t forget the sideways peace sign
Of course! The sideways peace sign. Always a sign of high IQ.
I think I may have a clue as to another cause of Duck Face: the insertion of a tow ball into one’s rectum:
Cool. First thing that comes to mind is the old “Is that a gun in your pocket…” remark.
“Is that a towball up your bum or are you just making duckface?”
That’s gold Chris.
I walked into a towbar once & I made MaxXxtreme duckface.
The creators are, so far, the best chance Australia has to obliterate McCulture in the country. I hope you are successful, and fill the subsequent void with something a little more creative.
Hi all out there in the TBL blogspere
Okay in my travels as bogan watcher, i have seen a sub species of bogan. This type of bogan is somewhat of a mimic of another species of Bogan, the Country Redneck Bogan (Bns ball attending , ute driving with unessential big bull bars) CRB for short. I live in a place where the CRB bogan mostly lives and quite a few of my friends are CRB bogans. In my travels with my CRB friends i noticed that after the tv shows such as McLeods daughters, Farmer wants a Wife, Keeping Up with Jones first aired i started seeing the Wannabe Country Bogan(WCB). This bogan loves to mimic the CRB bogan and will dress itself in RM Williams ( the more longhorn logos the better), drive utes with the over sized bull bars and a lot of aerials, more than that will be ever needed by one man and stickers on the back of the ute ( F&CK of we r full is popular) . It also will wear the largest Akubra possible, not for the sun protection just purely for the reason of looking country . Country music must be playing thru the stereo of the ute and when any one dares change the song it will cry “ oi c^nt put something country on” The WCB bogan does all of the above mentioned things to excess to try hide the fact that it was born in the city with a office worker mother and father. The WCB bogan gets angry and will want to engage in glassing when asked “ oh did that hat come with the john deere tractor you bought”. The conversation mood always take a negative decline when the WCB bogan is asked “ where you from ?” The standard reply is “Oh Burnside but my uncles friend has a hobby farm” . The CRB bogan then grows disinterested when he finds out that you come from the country, live and work on farm and grew up in country.
NB Burnside can be substituted with any inner city suburb round Australia
Sir Duckington
Are these morons serious??? Which inbred fuckwit decided this looks good??
http://antiduckface.com/
The myth is that sucking in your cheeks gives you Pronounced Cheekbones, thus making you look skinnier and knocking off the 10 pounds extra the camera adds.
Gay guys have been doing the ‘cheeck suck’ for years in bars. So have girls: watch how often Marcia on ‘the Brady Bunch’ sucks her cheeks in during episodes.
The ducky lip pout seems to be the most recent evolution.
i’ve noticed another bird-like photo pose taken up by the femme-bogue…the awful shoulder back, hand on one hip [finished off of course with the pout].. oh my! it’s awful and it’s everywhere…