#183 – Catholicism

18 10 2010

Australia has nearly five million Catholics and about 300 billion bogans. On Sunday, October 17, 2010, however, Australia had approximately 300,005,000,000 Catholics. Because, on that momentous day, a woman who has been dead for decades was appointed by the Catholic Church that excommunicated her as Australia’s very first Saint.

At first glance, the bogan may give the impression that it is quite the student of religion. It is capable of analysing the Qu’ran, it has an extensive collection of Buddhist iconography in its home, and it has enjoyed a brief period of purchasing from the merchandising juggernaut that is the Hillsong Church. To scratch the surface of this claim, however, is to uncover pure, 24 carat bullshit. The bogan has little genuine interest in things religious beyond the prospect of receiving the occasional solicited miracle, and the capacity to take solace from the idea that, come the bitter end, it can merely apologise profusely to a conceptual entity it paid scant attention to for decades. Consequently, its time as a recidivist reprobate will be forgiven, and paradise awaits, with no effort or sacrifice required. But faced with the prospect of simultaneously supporting a 19th century nun and Australia’s clear superiority over the rest of the world, the bogan giddily embraces an excuse to don its flag cape three months out from Australia Day.

A belief in miracles dovetails neatly with the bogan’s core existential belief. The belief that it will, despite having no redeeming features or particular talents, be offered, unsolicited, a spot on X Factor Australia, to be fawned over by the unholy triumvirate of Imbruglia, Keating and Sandilands. Much like bogan theologian Dan Brown, the work of popes John Paul II and Benedict XVI exhibits an increasingly sophisticated knowledge of how to run a PR campaign to charm the bogan. During his papacy, John Paul II canonised more saints than the the combined efforts of centuries of popes before him, rocking along at a clip of 3.5 new saints per year. Benedict XVI has utilised German efficiency to achieve an unprecedented velocity of 6.8 saints per year, satisfying the needs of the bogan and its international brethren for constant media events, arbitrary miracles, victory dances, and hoopla.

Years of watching Today Tonight and A Current Affair had left the bogan haplessly addicted to that deep, resonating comfort that only comes from being told exactly what to think. While not coming in neat 30-minute capsules at dinner time on weeknights, Catholicism, to the bogan, offers the same direction and guidance as Tracy Grimshaw and Matthew White combined. Most important, though, is that after being canonised, Mary MacKillop is now max celeb, with a galaxy of merchandise options. The bogan is surely only a step behind, having spent all winter doing hammer curls, trying to get ‘cannonised’. Conditioned from years of mimicking celebrity behaviour, the bogan will briefly find abstinence and abstemiousness cool. Until it is horny or thirsty.

Then, come next Sunday, faced with the prospect of rising early to attend mass for what now seems like hair of the dog, and with the kneeling and rising, and the good behaviour, and the newly-found inability to make paedophile jokes, the bogan hits snooze, and rolls over.


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160 responses

18 10 2010
pb

saint macca? which pretend newspaper is that from?

Flagship bogan information portal http://www.news.com.au TBL

18 10 2010
Simon of South Yarra

Mary of the Cross – sydney gets a saint even though born in melb and did fine work in sa

20 10 2010
JimmmyMick

Well, she couldn’t have been Saint Mary of Collingwood now, could she?

18 10 2010
martin

Oi. I said ‘catholicism’ in the full list and it got deleted. Or was it because I accompanied it with something gross? Hmmm.

Catholic, school girls rule, Catholic school girls ruuule!

Well they don’t rule, but they were more fun than my public school peers.

18 10 2010
Nelson Esq

not just any Catholic schools rule martin, NAUGHTY Catholic school girls rule!

18 10 2010
martin

Yes!

I think I’ll have to become a Catholic. There’s not much point in thinking anyway.

18 10 2010
InnerCityGirl

Catholic school girls are the best lovers. Know why? Because if we’re going to get punished when we die, we’re sure as hell going to have a good time!

18 10 2010
vivisection

I thought it was because the clergy had taught them from an early age.

18 10 2010
SD

ditto for the boys?

18 10 2010
InnerCityGirl

We had lesbian nuns with hairy legs & cats bum mouths, who taught us that anybody who has sex before marriage is a filthy slut & will burn in hell forever.

18 10 2010
vivisection

They should be Sainted!

18 10 2010
martin

An appropriate punishment! Sex is the worst thing in the whole world!

18 10 2010
martin

Our bible bashers who came in once a month told us the Muslims were going to take over the world. They were very adamant and stern about that. That was nearly 20 years ago. I guess they hadn’t heard of China.

18 10 2010
martin

Oh and it wasn’t about kiddy fiddling or anything sexual either.

18 10 2010
laurenbee

Apparently there is a telemovie… that was fast…. is Lisa McCune in it?

18 10 2010
pb

how are the going to fit in the required explosions and tits?

18 10 2010
vivisection

I hear those women in veils hide explosives underneath their long dresses.

18 10 2010
pb

is this how we can work the tits into the telemovie? the need to prove there are no hidden explosives – instead there’s the body of a victoria’s secret model.

18 10 2010
Tone

That’s only the Muslim ones. Mary’s on our side, so maybe she can keep some bomb disposal equipment under hers.

18 10 2010
vivisection

Yes, Mary Mac will have to place anything that looks suspiciously explosive into her knickers, just near her Secret Je$us Spot. Her miracle Vag will absorb and diffuse the explosive powers contained within the suspicious looking item. With nothing more than a saintly smile and slight aura, she will continue on her way.

20 10 2010
JimmmyMick

…. with a very satisfied smile, knowing that the earth did, in fact, move for her.

18 10 2010
devil's advocate

Lisa McCune is already the patron saint of australian bogue TV. You can’t be canonised more than once.

18 10 2010
martin

This is also embodied in the bogan’s love for mafia movies and games about criminals like the grand theft auto series.

18 10 2010
vivisection

In 1993 I used to have a dope plant called Mary McKillop, It grew on my lounge room windowsill. We would kneel down and pray to it frequently. The miracle would have been if it had ever matured, I was partial to sampling, a lot. It never did mature. I wrote that McKillop bitch off as a fraud shortly thereafter.

18 10 2010
jeske20xt6

I feel like a large component of the bogan’s interest in saint macca comes from the desperate, misguided jingoism that informs Grimshaw’s overuse of the collective possessive adjective “Our”. So terrified is the aus-bogue of our relative cultural insignificance that we need to desperately assume ownership of anybody who has done anything internationally conspicuous, regardless of its fairly dubious worth or even veracity. It’s sad when the Commonwealth Games are over and we can no longer bemoan the substandard living conditions provided for Our athletes, but now we can prattle on about Our Mary, who according to a bogue on ACA last night embodied virtues with which “all australians can resonate”. I’m resonating!!

Indeed. You may have noticed the cover of today’s Herald Sun spruiking ‘Our Saint Mary’. She is now, unfortunately, the patron saint of bogans. TBL

18 10 2010
deano

‘ Mary of the Southern Cross ‘ was the heading in one of the Sydney rags

18 10 2010
hel

I am now picturing lots of lapsed boagn catholics (is there any other kind?) having Marys visage tattooed in relief against their Southern Cross swastikas.

18 10 2010
hel

*bogan oops

18 10 2010
Shirley M

I’ve performed a few miracles in my time. Where’s my f*cking sainthood, Ratzinger? Schnell schell!

18 10 2010
vivisection

I love that they are calling on her being the Patron Saint for the Abused. Hey Catholics, how about just stopping the abuse? Then you wont need a f#cking Saint to help….

18 10 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

‘Mary of (Kings) Cross’? ‘Mary of the Aussie Swazzie’?

18 10 2010
Sten

Just when I thought I’d be able to make a joke about vendors of negotiable affection, you come along a scant half an hour earlier, damn you!

Oh well, great minds, Pinky, great minds. I don’t begrudge you your quip.

18 10 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Hi Sten!

*takes bow*

18 10 2010
Sten

Hi Pinky, how are you? Hope you’re well.

18 10 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Hey ya Sten
I’m okay. We all know that the topic of Religion will bring out! LOLz
How are you buddy? I was in Sydney a few weeks back and thought of you…LOLz

18 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Hey Pinkster,

Looking forward to your bio my friend. Stay well.

18 10 2010
Sten

I’m not too bad, thanks for asking, Pinky. A bit frustrated about being unemployed and on the dole, but I’m doing all I can, so I suppose I’ll just have to grin and bear it. Kind of you to think of me when you were in town… was it by any chance along the lines of “Poor Sten, how can he live in this dump?”

18 10 2010
David L

Ah, yes. Of course, the bogan, knowing full well that a miracle may bestow deserved largesse for no effort, encourages sainthood. Yet the bogan’s regular attendance at church, supporting the faith, helping the poor and disenfranchised, is lacking….

Of course, religious fervour hits its peak at the Grand Final. INterestingly, Australia’s participation in the Commonwealth games has been less than enthusiastically received…

18 10 2010
SD

Speaking of the Games you have to look at the bright side of it all – 8000 Australians gathered for the canonisation and did not throw a washing machine out of the window.

18 10 2010
vivisection

Bloody miracle.

18 10 2010
Will S

>Benedict XVI has utilised German efficiency to achieve an unprecedented velocity of 6.8 saints per year

Given that they need 2 confirmed miracles, that’s about 14 miracles per year being uncovered, quite remarkable really.

18 10 2010
Mick

Miracles are easier to come by these days. If you watch TT/ACA there will be at least one story a week about a ‘miracle cure’ or some such rot.

!4 miracles a year is a walk in the park.

18 10 2010
Sten

Or miracle weight-loss tips. Informercials masquerading as current affairs… truly I weep for humanity.

However I read this morning that a cure for the common cold could be near at hand – fantastic if true!

18 10 2010
Snag

I’m guessing the Vatican uses TT/ACA as it’s source for miracles across the world.

18 10 2010
Josh

It’s downright miraculous I tell ya!

18 10 2010
Will S

Yet for all the miracles curing cancer (it’s always cancer), I can’t find a single one where God heals an amputee…

18 10 2010
Nelson Esq

‘Consequently, its time as a recidivist reprobate will be forgiven, and paradise awaits, with no effort or sacrifice required.’

Agree TBL, how many times have you heard a bogan say, “I know that because I’m a good person and that and and I’m nice to other people, so I don’t need to go to church to get to heaven.”

This just further highlights the bogans lack of understanding that being a true Christian is more than just going to church for an hour every Sunday.

20 10 2010
JimmmyMick

That’s because being a Bogan means you will never have understanding. Except about when to glass a c*nt.

18 10 2010
Shoulder Chip

Pilgrims cry: ‘Mary, Mary, Mary, oi, oi, oi’ – from today’s Herald Sun. And now we can come out from the rock we have crawled under to cringe in our country’s glory.

18 10 2010
SD

“Australia has nearly five million Catholics and about 300 billion bogans. On Sunday, October 17, 2010, however, Australia had approximately 300,005,000,000 Catholics”.

Does this mean Catholics are not bogan? Or is the math doing my head in?

I had been to Mary McKillop’s Place when I first came here. Its quite peaceful, can’t imagine a stampede of profane bogues there.

18 10 2010
devil's advocate

I think by adding the two numbers they are saying that previously, catholicism lacked the brand cache and popular culture credibility to be adopted by the bogan, but in the wake of this latest sainthood development the bogan has, like all bandwagons that came before it, wholeheartedly jumped on board.

In summary, prior to this event, catholics weren’t bogans, but post the event, bogans are all catholic.

18 10 2010
SD

Yes that’s what is suggested to me, that the 5 million adherents before the canonisation are not bogans. Which seems a bit dubious.

18 10 2010
Nelson Esq

This is similar how all bogans become Irish on St Patrick’s Day.

18 10 2010
Keeping Kosher Klansman

“Bogan theologian”.

Snicker.

18 10 2010
hel

God Bless you “Our Mary”

18 10 2010
vivisection

I just realised that back in our Ned Kelly production we forgot to include Mary Mac. They were both around in Victoria at the same time. I’ve no doubt they would have dated. They may have been the Cartwright – Hewitt’s of the 1870’s. Ned would have given it to her. Farkin legend.

18 10 2010
pb

i’d forgotten our production. better go back and read it over to find an appropriate slot for saint macca.

18 10 2010
pb

i’ve found the role for her – she can be working amongst the seedy pantaloon strippers, trying to reform them, and meet ned there.

18 10 2010
chris

Sorry, I was raised pagan. So “cannonisation”. They dig her remains up and the Pope fires them out of a cannon, right?

18 10 2010
Sten

Ha ha ha… reminds me of an apt joke.

Q: What’s the difference between The Queen and a Nun?
A: When the QUeen has a baby, there’s a 21-gun salute. When a Nun has a baby, they fire the dirty old canon.

18 10 2010
Sten

But what you propose wouldn’t be that strange. There was one Pope who was so bothered by his immediate predecessor that he had the corpse dug up, but on trial, dismembered then thrown in the river.

I just can’t be bothered to look up which Popes were involved, though I seem to remember this all took place about 800 or 900 AD.

18 10 2010
missy

I had to look that one up on wikipedida.
The Cadavar Synod! Some Pope called Stephen did inded go & dig up the last guy to wear the hat, Formosus, for a ‘posthumous ecclesiastical trial’.
Funnily enough, after dumping the corspse in the Tiber it washed up on shore, supposidly preformed some miracles which then got Stephen improsoned & stripped of Popedom.

I wonder if praying to Saint Macca will ensure similar services to the bogans enemies?

18 10 2010
Sten

Yeah, it was a pretty bizarre episode to be sure, Missy – but apparently not an isolated incident back then. Hell, even I’ve had fantasies revolving digging up people like Augusto Pinochet and drinking beer out of his skull, sort of as a retribution he or his ilk never had to face otherwise.

19 10 2010
chris

Maybe. I still want to see Ratzy fire her mortal remains out of a Howitzer. I’d even go to church to watch that.

19 10 2010
Sten

Absolutely. I’d say a Hail Mary to see that.

19 10 2010
chris

… while he’s dressed in his Hitler Youth outfit….

19 10 2010
Sten

Perhaps a step too far there, chris. Don’t mention ze var!

20 10 2010
chris

Too true. I crossed the line there. He can just stick to the regular white ball gown, pointy hat and red Prada pumps. Wouldn’t want the whole thing to get silly.

20 10 2010
Sten

Any more than it already is, at any rate.

18 10 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

ha
called it.
surely the catholic church is the original harvester of bogan cash, and doubtless the best. rupert and the packer spawn must be green with envy.
constantine identifying the bogue phenomenon in 326 CE. took an obscure jewish sect, edited and spun it into history’s greatest cash cow. an example followed fervently by the likes of L. Ron Hubbard and the marketeers of the power balance band et al.
Religon is a tumor and a balm to the ignorant and weak minded. even modern christians who decry the ills and contradictions of the Universal Church of Rome still follow its basic tenets and philosophies. History’s greatest con job.
more power to them all I say.
In fact lets get the whole bunch together – jews, christians, muslims, some place, maybe the plains of megiddo would be nice and central, for some sort of maxtreme battle to see which colour of the same god is most tops.
BOGANS! CHOOSE A SIDE NOW! TIME IS SHORT!
limited offer
hurry hurry hurry
Bring your Money!

18 10 2010
James Hunter

Chubby,
The caflics are the biggest fraud in the world asside from your inspiring comments just reflect on the countless misery they have caused in the world. They sent priests out to colonise the world and all these places that were happy all started to fillow caflicism and live in fear of god. They were given medcines and education and free food. The poor people then bred like flies so now we have basket case nations filled with teaming masses at masses because the caflics forbid birth control ! This is the most horendous sin . millions in misery for what? More boys for the priests is about the only benifit.

18 10 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

jesus
my worst common post ever.
I just hate religon passionately.
dickheads decry the same science which gives them their 3D TV as mere “theory” and then get all het up if some poor bint wants to spare another soul from poverty and abuse.

hang on , maybe it makes sense: 3D plasma is not science, it’s a miracle!
nah fuck it I got nothin’

18 10 2010
TheBattlersPrince

It’s nice to know that in true jingoistic fashion they’ve totally omitted any reference to the other (non-Australian) five that were canonised over the weekend…this over the top Australian centric perspective the media has created is killing the world citizen in me…

18 10 2010
Steve

Mentioning one new saint is too many.

18 10 2010
SD

I reckon this Valenzuela should be given honorary Australian citizenship and crowned the patron saint of the femme-bogue.

You Tarzan and ox in bed, Me Jane the second. Awesome.

http://www.smh.com.au/world/cheating-chilean-miner-has-a-second-mistress-20101018-16pgj.html?autostart=1

18 10 2010
Steve

Why do people pray to Mary MacKillop for help instead of God? I mean, isn’t God supposed to be worth about 50 Mary MacKillops?

And yes, I am aware that 50 X 0 is 0.

18 10 2010
18 10 2010
vivisection

The comments section has some great examples of people in bogan denial! And the usual representation of fools who didn’t read the article before jumping in to pontificate about mullets, flannos and utes…..

18 10 2010
SD

Some soul did say the article did no justice to TBL. Also does No 3 make Fiona a bogan?

The FB page has some tool called Dany Roy Boyd who has some dubious likes. And a link to a moron who complained about the non-delivery of chips he did not order.

18 10 2010
Mick

Then we must keep up the fight. Ignorance is the enemy here.

18 10 2010
vivisection

I think you meant Ignance, which is what i would call my daughter if I had one.

18 10 2010
Mick

Thought that was a big lizard.

18 10 2010
SD

Viv you should bring out The Big Book of Bogue Names complete with etymology and meaning. It will be the most sought after stocking filler evah.

18 10 2010
pb

viv, the name is to be spelt ignanz. you don’t want your daughter embarrassed by her incorrectly spelt name, do you?

18 10 2010
vivisection

I might go posh and call her Ignaarnz

18 10 2010
pb

if you have twin girls they can be ignaarnz and imber-sylle. b’narl could be their brother.

18 10 2010
vivisection

or should it be Imbasea’l ?

18 10 2010
pb

possibly. or maybe imbaseya’l.

18 10 2010
Vivisection

PB, that is what I call the good work. Maybe you should change your name to P’Bee to celebrate.

18 10 2010
p'bee

consider it done.

18 10 2010
Tone

For that extra touch of class, either a hyphen or apostrophe will do nicely … or why not both?

Ignarrnz-Iz’Blysse?

18 10 2010
vivisection

It’s-alwayz obvious as soon as someone else says it!

19 10 2010
Tone

That article explains the latest influx of NABs coming over to the FB page and squeezing out steaming piles of Old School Bogan cliches all over the place. I guess all the TBL FB Team can do is keep rubbing their noses in it until they learn to leave their deposits elsewhere.

18 10 2010
Zelda

Why do people pray to Mary McKillop for help instead of God? theologically correct answer is that they pray to Mary to intercede on their behalf:
Mary McK: Hey God, remember that Jaydenn guy I was telling you about?
G: Of course I do. I know you’re new here, but in future remember I’m omniscient- remind me, sis.
M: the one who’s been praying to me to fix the HDMI socket on the back of his 106cm plasma screen- tripped over the cable while staggering off to take a leak at half-time during the AFL grand final.
G: yeah- tell him to get a new cable- it’s the cable that’s damaged, not the socket. When he thinks about the repair bill he’s saved, he’ll convince himself he’s been on the receiving end of a miracle.
M: good thinking, boss.

The real reason is that while people like to have their universe-creating supernatural entity, they still want some special, personal connection with it. Christianity ran into this problem in the early days when it supplanted the numerous regional- or locally-based deities of the Greeks and Romans with a single but very abstract God, a vaguely tangible Christ, and a wholly unfathomable holy spirit. So Saints were devised, to give the adherents a replacement tangible local connection.

19 10 2010
Dgusten

Totally agree. Imagine my Mum has cancer. Do I pray to God? To Jesus? To the Virgin Mary?

Of course not – I’m not an idiot who believes in prayer and miracles…

But if I was an idiot, I’m surely not so stupid as to pray to some random chick who’s not even a saint yet when there’s all these other awesome “people” out there who either a) actually are, you know, God, or b) are likely to be closer to God and more able to get in his ear about curing me Mum’s cancer.

18 10 2010
brad

Mary’s canonization may well be spiritual kickstart that ushers in a new age of enlightment and a return too Christian values that this nation so desperatley needs-one can only pray.

18 10 2010
James Hunter

Brad ,
Since when did cafolisism have anything to do with Christianity ? They worship as gods those that are not god, they worship craven immages and they are against population controll , the one thing that may actually save humanity.

18 10 2010
brad

The more christian soldiers there are the more able we are in doing the Lords good work,and all christians no matter what deomination have a duty too stand together in solidarity against those that would seek too destroy us.

18 10 2010
vivisection

Good luck with that. Can I do the Lord’s other work – the smiting, pox giving etc? He must need a sidekick, just for company, if Christians are doing all of his good work, he must get pretty lonely doing the rest.

19 10 2010
Nelson Esq

I’ve got some locusts Viv, if you want a hand with creating a plague…

18 10 2010
Will S

Calm down, you’re only the biggest religion in the world. What we really need is more Grammar soldiers, standing together in solidarity against those that would seek TO destroy us.

18 10 2010
Sten

Ha!

18 10 2010
brad

An interesting point that you raise willis,i think brother James could well be our 1st Grammer saint and sister Vivsection can ordain you as our ist grammer preist.

18 10 2010
Vivisection

Mother Vivisection, thank you very much.

18 10 2010
Sten

Looks like we also need a Spelling Cardinal. And a Punctuation Pontiff. I’d throw my mitre into the ring, but since I’m an atheist (albeit one who can peacefully coexist with theists) I don’t actually have one.

19 10 2010
brad

apology’s-Mother Superior Vivisection

18 10 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

brad you should roll your eyes when you say that.

and shouldn’t the correct spelling be Ygnanz?

I’m struggling to think of things more incongruous than Catholic Saintz for the bogue to appropriate…
coming up blank.
anyone?

and where the hell is bloody tombarina?
and why aren’t youse writing your bio’s on last friday?

18 10 2010
Tombarina

In banjo-pickin’, cousin-lovin’, bugger-all-online-access country, south of Toowoomba. for daaaayyyyyssssss. Don’t ask. It’s beyond heinous….

If I don’t make it back, I love youse all.

*glasses self in desperate cry for help*

18 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yeh, stuff Mary where are our Bio’s?

A lame catholic joke.

2 priests on the Titanic as it is sinking are preparing to abandon ship. One turns to the other and says “do you think we should grab a buoy”. The other replies “oooo do we have time for that”.

Boom tish

More bio’s or I will bring out another joke. You have been warned.

18 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

We made a porn movie with Jesus and Tunnel Kunt friday. Should we do one with Mary or is that just too low. What do you think Viv?

18 10 2010
Vivisection

Mother Mary McTunnelkunt, who could be offended?

18 10 2010
pb

mary’s already been suggested for inclusion in underkelly. we need to finish her part in that.

18 10 2010
James Hunter

two nuns in the blackout,one says “where’s the candle” and the others reply “Oooh yes dont it”

19 10 2010
vivisection

3 nuns waiting at the train station, a flasher whips out his cock, one nun had a heart attack, one nun had a dizzy spell, the other had a stroke! boom tish!

19 10 2010
Nelson Esq

A nun asks a little girl what she wants to be when she grows up,
“A prostitute.” replies the girl and the nun passes out with shock. When she comes around, she asks the girl to repeat her answer.
“A prostitute.” replies the girl again.
“Oh, thank goodness for that!” said the nun, “I thought you said ‘Protestant'”.

19 10 2010
brad

A nun gets on a bus thats empty except for the driver.She says”im going to die soon but i want to have sex before i do but i must remain a virginsoit must be anal and i cant commit adultery so the man must be single,can you fulfil my wish?Yes says the driver and promptly does just that.Then feeling guilty he says,”im sorryi lied,im married with 3 kids”
“Thats ok” says the nun,”i lied too.My name is Kevin and im going to a fancy dress party”

18 10 2010
Tombarina

Bio’s done, Si. Whacked it onto Friday’s BoB.

Signing off now for the next week. Aloha.

18 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Certainly not me.

18 10 2010
FrankEEE

I only just found your site … bookmarked!
Absolutely hilarious!

18 10 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

two nuns riding their bikes back from the village decide to take a shortcut.
after a bit one says to the other “I’ve never come this way before.”
the other replies “Me either, I think it’s the cobblestones!”

just for you JH.

18 10 2010
Sten

One of my favourite ecclesiastical jokes.

Another favourite of mine:

Two Nuns are taking a shower. One says, “Where’s the soap?”

The other says, “Sure does”

18 10 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

now, here’s a thing…
saint macca got the gong for curing cancer right?
spontaneous remission – miracle.
but since no one knows what it is that triggers a bunch of cells to go boonta and suddenly start multiplying out of control in the first place, wouldn’t that make getting cancer a bit of a miracle too?
why is no-one lobbying for phillip morris to get the nod?
Saint Peter Stuyvesant.
patron saint of phlegm.

Superb! TBL

18 10 2010
p'bee

peter brock, patron saint of car crashes.

too soon?

19 10 2010
chris

Not soon enough

19 10 2010
Nelson Esq

I’ve been to Bathurst with the bogans; you don’t diss Brock.

*glass*

19 10 2010
chris

So have I; way, way back when the hill was pure old-school bogue. Sorry, but Brocky is the Patron Saint of bogan petrolheads. .

19 10 2010
chris

…slowly staggers away from glassing while humming The Eulogy Song…..

19 10 2010
James Hunter

Chubby,
one of the mysteries of the caflics is the nuns always going around in pairs.
My dad explained it to me
“One nun goes to see that the other nun gets none”

19 10 2010
Peter

Oh James Hunter, in the history of the birth control debate, without doubt you are the most compelling piece of evidence against.

19 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I still can’t believe the kracken named her Saint Macca. What the f*ck.

25 10 2010
Paul Carson

Saint Macca? Are you fucking serious? How the hell does News Ltd. have any credibility whatsoever?

I’ve been overseas for about 8 months now, and finding out about shit like this really makes me want to never return to Oz.

19 10 2010
Shirley M

I’d say these days it’s a miracle if you make it to your 70s without getting some form of cancer.

19 10 2010
Memphis marauder

Getting cancer is a miracle. The miracle being you get cancer on a daily basis and it rarely gets past the 2-3 cells stage. The world is complex enough without theists making shit up.
As for the whys and wherefores of cells ‘going boonta’ (glorious terminology), I’m pretty sure we have a good idea.

19 10 2010
Kyylee Shayleen Neeto

I don’t know what yooz are on about. Religion is fully good coz you get to do shit and then ask god for fogiveness and then you can do it again.
That’s why its ok to break into cars and push old people over – you get forgiven coz of god and jesus and shit.

19 10 2010
chris

Weren’t you on ACA last night?

19 10 2010
Nelson Esq

Breaking News: In the AFL, St Kilda Saints will now be known as the StKillop Mary’s. They will also be only team in the AFL whose No.1 ticket holder has been dead for the last 100 years; the Miraculous Mary of Moorabbin.

Her cannonisation is just further proof that she used up her two miracles curing cancer; if she hadn’t, St Kilda would have beaten Geelong and Collingwood in the ’09 & ’10 Grand Finals and been Premiers for the last two years!

19 10 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

still waiting on some bio’s.
don’t want to come back for summer school do we kids?

dgusten, sten, martin, p!nky, devils advocate, both fionas, both james, tone, hel, wil s (he’s a good writer, but thinks soccer is sophisticated – an enigma, should be interesting) KKK, brad, Battlers Prince, inner city, bec, nelson, zelda, alyssa…

looking at you people.
plus anyone else I can’t remember…
you don’t want your names on the notice board do you?

and where is damn Bag o Turnips?
write your damn bio you verbose mutherfocker!

19 10 2010
James Hunter

Chubby,
I take it you looking for the “Stage” bio? not the real serious “real” one ?
The stage one I can do tonight but a real one … wow I would have to consult so many people to determine what in my percieved reality is actual reality.

19 10 2010
martin

Sorry chubs I don’t really want to do a bio, my life is boring. I like it though. Most of the time. 🙂

19 10 2010
Dgusten

Ooh, chubby, I’m first on your list this time! I feel loved…

You forgot me yesterday (which is cool, I’m reasonably new and an infrequent poster, albeit avid reader, so I forgive you).

Anywho, my bio is about to go up on last Friday’s BoB page…

19 10 2010
Bec

Wut wut wut bio???

19 10 2010
Sten

Chubby… bio? What in blazes are you talking about, mate? Please bear in mind I haven’t been able to render unto TBL and it’s denizens the full attention it (and they) deserve, as I’m in the Gulag For The Jobless right now, and that chews up an inordinate amount of my time (ironically, it was so much easier to spend all day here when I had a job!).

Care to elaborate?

19 10 2010
p'bee

inspired by the tbl bios for the book. have a look down near the bottom of friday’s bachelor of bogan.

19 10 2010
Sten

OK, done, have posted in Friday’s BBo.

I’ll leave you all to sort the fact from the fiction, if you work it out, could you please for the love of Xenu share this information with me?

19 10 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

staged of course.
if I wrote a real one I’d have interpol, asis, the mossad, the chamber of commerce and industry and the world ecumenical council on my ass!

again

19 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Look our first Saint Tatt. He was quick.

19 10 2010
vivisection

thats also Ned Kelly on his arm too! Double Pay!

19 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Do you think he secretly drugs the girl so she does not know any better?

19 10 2010
vivisection

I doubt she needs the drugs. She probably think he’s a keeper.

19 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Deluded. Sad. Their first child will be called L-a.

19 10 2010
Freocookster

I’ve just had the pleasure of spending five days with bogans on a cruise liner and visiting various ports across South East Asia to allow them to stock-up on Bintang singlets and trinkets.

19 10 2010
Blueballs

The miracle that clinched the deal for Mary? Being the only virgin ever to live in Portland…

19 10 2010
AntiPajero

After glassing the
fair King Cnut, AntiPajero united the thrones of Goldmark and OzStranglYa. AntiPajero held this power-base together by seizing Princess Mary’s treasure chest and raiding her booty, leaving none in any doubt that she’s ours, and earning the esteem of the
Jonnobogue. AntiPajero noted, however, that because Our Mary had been seen
lying prone on so many surfaces, pounding her into a pulpy mess (whilst arguably good for the world) was no big deal. Accounts of his reign in the
FlattenYerBogue are punctuated with maxXxteme feats of
awesomeness on the surf . AntiPajero’s vaguely understood, but eminently powerful influence with the Jonnobogue was cemented after producing his sole legitimate progeny out of four,
Harthacnut.

20 10 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

sten!
my Bob!
A subgenius!
the first i have ever met in 43 years.

give me slack or kill me.
Thank you.
you made my day.

20 10 2010
Sten

I’m not ordained though, Chubby. But how could one love Devo or appreciate the fine work of Bruce Campell, or indeed, be such a work-shy hedonist as myself without having at least some knowledge of, and love for, the Church?

The Subgenius Must Have Slack!

20 10 2010
TheBattlersPrince

My bio is now up on last Friday’s post…be gentle….

20 10 2010
Lord Charos

This sainting crap is a joke. When will religion just die off and let reason and logic prevail?

21 10 2010
Wot, Kunt?

0h god. New favourite post. Ugh….I have never worshiped you more, TBL.

Saints alive, I literally had to steal one of my dad’s Valium tablets to deal with a sudden near-hysteria the other day that was brought about in great part by this ridiculousness. I don’t mean to imply I am in any way unstable…it was just *that* maddening. Really. Granted, I was having a terrible, terrible day to begin with, but really truly, this tripe that the trashmedia rapaciously *raped* me with was the *last*……*straw*, and threatened to drive me irreversibly up the WALL.

21 10 2010
Steve

That traditional nun headwear is very confronting.

3 12 2010
Michael

The writers of this may want to look up the definition of the word “excommunicated”

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