#178 – Certainty

29 09 2010

If there’s one thing for certain about the bogan, it’s that it likes certainty. It requires its franchised movies and tv shows to clearly inform it of who the good guy is, and who the victor is. Anything more ambiguous bores the bogan, with its attention span entirely unwilling to evaluate or be patient. Generally speaking, the world is kind to the bogan’s need for certainty. The Australian media feeds the bogan emphatic 7 second soundbites that keep the bogan certain through the even the most confusing of times. Today Tonight is also valuable, letting the bogan know who to love and who to hate. Masterchef provides emotiondrums to help the bogan be certain that something is about to happen. But recently, this ozone layer of certainty around the bogan has broken down. The bogan has had a tough 5 weeks.

Generally by dinner time on the evening of a Federal Election, the bogan is able to loudly proclaim the single, one sentence reason why the winner won. But 2010 was different – it was torn between lunging into its shallow toolbox of slogans for “stop the boats”, “our taxpayer dollars”, or “never trust the pollies”. But it didn’t know what to do, and became increasingly angry with the lack of victory that it could either praise or deride. It took more than a fortnight before the bogan could be put out of its misery, and resume viewing the Australian landscape in the pixelated, black and white  manner which keeps things nice and straightforward. It was then prompted by business calls for certainty regarding an emissions trading scheme, causing considerable consternation as it was sure it had just voted against the Greens…

It took a week or two for the bogan to rediscover its footing, briefly returning to its redhead jokes before abandoning politics in the lead-up to the AFL grand final. While grand finals can have their twists and turns, the bogan knows that a couple of hours later, it will be able to experience the certainty of a victorious team being showered in streamers and tickertape. Again, this certainty did not arrive as anticipated, with the game ending in a draw. Bogan uncertainty manifested itself as pure fury. At the final siren, Collingwood captain Nick Maxwell, who was married wearing thongs in Byron Bay in 2009, declared the century-long policy of a grand final replay “an absolute joke”, with numerous players having to reschedule their trips to Bali.

The bogan’s distaste for ambiguity doesn’t just render it an irritating presence in any room, research has also suggested that intolerance of ambiguity is connected with broader themes. Furnham (1995) noted that open-mindedness, which has been equated with tolerance for ambiguity, may be a predisposition to critical thinking (Facione, Facione, & Sanchez, 1994). If presented with the previous sentence, the bogan will become agitated once it encounters the term “may be”. For certain.


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181 responses

29 09 2010
Tone

This would explain why there is so much Bogue Rage over the finale of Australia’s Next Top Model, as seen here: http://www.facebook.com/AustraliasNextTopModel

29 09 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

Nice One Tone.
Thought you might have picked that up on Breakfast TV.
But I see it was an Inane Facebook Group.

loving your work

29 09 2010
Shirley M

The concept of a rematch in the event of a draw is pretty stupid if you ask me. But then, the whole game is pretty stupid so I guess it’s apt. If the game were to be a draw again, would it be another rematch?

29 09 2010
Snag

They’re supposed to keep playing games until they have a winner, but the AFL says there will be extra time at the end of this Grand Final to decide it, if need be.

29 09 2010
Benny Hill

It’s okay, that’s just your bogan side Shirley. Because you don’t agree with the concept it must be stupid and not just the concept of the draw but the whole game is stupid and that’s because there is not enough certainty for you.

29 09 2010
Shirley M

I don’t think the game is stupid because there’s not enough certainty. I just think it’s stupid. There’s no need for me to feel any certainty about it because I certainly think it’s very very boring. Still, I think the rematch is stupid because it’s a spectator sport and people have paid to see who will become premiers. Having a rematch seems like a good way to get people to pay to see another game. Why don’t they go into overtime like every other sport?

29 09 2010
brad

Because no-one wants too win or lose something that takes so much effort and work in a STUPID shoot-out that lasts 5-10 mins,why not just flip a coin too see who wins ,you cant test too see who is the best in 10 mins of play,thats why soccer world cup games that are decided on shoot-outs are such an anti climax.I think in future you should restrain yourself Shirly from commenting on sporting issues-its like me commenting on The Beatles.

29 09 2010
martin

I think you should not post here if you don’t know how to use the word ‘too’.

29 09 2010
brad

bite me Martin,you pussy

29 09 2010
martin

Here you go. Maybe you and your child if you have one can spend some time with the “To, Too or Two” worksheet.

http://www.education.com/worksheet/article/too-two/

2 10 2010
MIck Thick

Extra time/golden goal is an ideal way to break a deadlock as the better team still wins at the end of the day. You may argue that it comes down to a ‘flip of the coin’, but the reality is that the winning team spent the whole of the game getting to the moment where it had the opportunity to score said golden point.

I actually appreciated the draw as it gave me something to bag my co-worker and his ‘backward code’ about for the week.

But seriously, what game doesn’t have extra time in a grand final? Imagine this had of happened in Europe, the MCG would of been burnt to the ground.

4 10 2010
AlyssaKT

what would the MCG be doing in Europe? haha

2 10 2010
James Hunter

Pedant

29 09 2010
Shirley M

I’ll comment on whatever I choose. I was interested to know why AFL seems to function differently to ever other spectator sport. And lets remember, that’s what it is. If it weren’t for people paying to watch games, buying team merchandise etc, there wouldn’t be any reason for the players to put so much ‘effort and work’ into it. It would be impossible for them to make a career out of it.

29 09 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

She can comment on whatever she wants. Its called her freedom of speak and its in her constitutions.

30 09 2010
AlyssaKT

hahaha

30 09 2010
miss dahl

It isn’t the game that’s stupid, it’s the followers. They are also first class a**holes because according to the recent press reports, a great number of said followers will eschew their mates’ weddings for this game. Too many words to describe this ….

1 10 2010
Dgusten

I agree Shirl – apparently it’s a “tradition” in the VFL/AFL to re-play drawn finals… except that that “tradition” was dropped 20 years ago for all finals except the grand final (and 20 years is virtually the entire histroy of the “AFL”, as opposed to the “VFL”).

Meanwhile, there hasn’t been a drawn grand final requiring a re-play for 33 years. So something that we havent done in 33 years and have only done twice in over 100 years is somehow a “tradition”? I’d say we have a stronger tradition built up over the past 20 years of playing extra time for drawn finals.

I instead see it as a contingency plan that we haven’t needed to properly think about in a while, and that now that we have been forced to think about it? Well, turns out there were other, better contingency plans… like extra time. As evidenced by the fact that it has been decided that there will be extra time in the event that the re-play also ends in a draw!

An analolgy: the bushfire stay or go policy might have had a strong “tradition”, but after a big f#ck off bushfire showed it to be an ineffective contingency plan for big f#ck off bushfires, we’re changing it.

29 09 2010
Persephone

No, it’s not a stupid game, it’s the finest ball-game in the world. However, the teams should be dual premiers.

29 09 2010
Lord Charos

*Vomits on you* I HATE football as much as I hate the Bogan.

An to make things clearer, I would find joy in all Bogans being simultaneous lowered to the status of slaves to us intellectuals.

I think we have a self-denying Bogan in our midst. Destroy him!

29 09 2010
Will S

It’s the only sport in the world where they give you a point for missing. This may or may not conflict with the need for certainty…

30 09 2010
AlyssaKT

True! And apparently the scoring system is meant to make the event of a draw very rare…

I don’t follow AFL but I made a comment on FB the other day that received 22 responses from enraged GayFL supporters! This are some…

Alyssa KT: wants to know why if Collingwood scored 9 real goals and 14 “behinds” (“one point for trying!”) – and St Kilda scored 10 goals and 8 “behinds”, shouldn’t St Kilda be the winners? If it was 10 vs 9? Especially when Collingwood missed more times than they scored?! hahaha

Mahir: Stupid game

Alyssa KT: I should have gotten into it as a kid – I would have taken to a game where you get a point for trying!

Nathaniel: That is the most ignorant thing I have heard come from one of your status updates!! Yes there is a replay, that is the way it has always been!! It’s good cause it’s different!!

Alyssa KT: What’s ignorant about pointing out the scoring system sucks?>!

Nathaniel: The scoring system doesn’t suck but if it was just goals there would be more draws!! It’s a very good way to separate final scores! We don’t need as many extra times per season for that reason!! Oh and in our game, during the season there is no extra time!!

Alyssa KT: Yeah- a very good way- until you have to repeat a grand final! I’m saying why not use the same ‘brilliant’ way of separating scores then when this happens?! Collingwood missed more than they scored- done!

Annette: As much as I hate the pies, they played a good game, so why should they lose based on your theory of goals. A behind is still a point, they are not getting a point for kicking it out, it still went through the posts… just the smaller ones.

Alyssa KT: haha – yeah, a point for missing is awesome.

30 09 2010
AlyssaKT

this are some? ha – Here are some*

30 09 2010
Benny Hill

Not true Will S. Gaelic Football also award points for missing.

1 10 2010
XXX

Amen to that. A draw should be just that. No new Grand Final. There should be dual winners.

29 09 2010
martin

I agree AFL is stupid and makes me recoil from visiting Melbourne, Adelaide or Perth.

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

You would not be welcome anyway with that sort of attitude Martin.

29 09 2010
martin

Yes I would. I’m sure I could find some Melbournites who think AFL is retarded.

29 09 2010
Lord Charos

I live in Melbourne and I think AFL is retarded.

29 09 2010
James Hunter

Dear Lord,
It is mostley those that are obsesed with it that are retarded.
A good dose of knock em down ,kick em, punch em out Rugby League would sort all those short sleeved sissys out. Yea.!!

29 09 2010
Lord Charos

A good dose of deadly poison would sort them out more effectively and efficiently.

I’m still waiting for an uprising, where we lower all bogans to the status of slaves… waiting…

29 09 2010
Ghengis of Coles Gungahlin

It’s not like Rugby League is any less stupid!!

To be fair, the only football that doesn’t suck is association football

29 09 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

“Association Football” as you call it is a primitive game for children.
The sporting equivalent of McDonalds.

I have expounded this at length elsewhere.
Soccer is Bogan. Check the car park.

(and Gods help me if anyone says “Wogan” right now I will hunt you down and re-educate you with a blunt instrument)

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I was wondering what he meant, soccer does not count as a sport does it?

29 09 2010
Lord Charos

You are very amusing, Chubby (although your name is slightly disturbing)

29 09 2010
Will S

Those referring to football as bogan simply don’t understand it. There is something about it occasionally referred to as ‘lawn chess’. It needs a brain to savour the going ons during a match, and a nil all draw can still be a nail-biter. Not a big brain is needed, though, as otherwise it couldn’t attract the masses like it does elsewhere in the world. Here, of course, competitive male team sports involving an egg-shaped device are usually little more than an excuse for a brawl, and so conditioned, the average (operative term here) followers of these ‘sports’ have a whole lot of trouble getting their heads around something a little (just a little) more sophisticated. Elsewhere, Football is the sport of the proletariat, here, we are a few rungs down the ladder. Shame, really.

1 10 2010
albert

Isn’t soccer the game where bogans set off flares, start fights, burn down stadiums etc.?

Last time I checked AFL supporters weren’t killing each other like soccer bogans!

(And yes – as much as I love AFL, it is played and watched by many bogans)

2 10 2010
Will S

Yes, I believe everything Channel 7 tells me too.

29 09 2010
martin

At least Rugby League looks like a sport. AFL just looks like a big mess and looks a bit homo erotic with their little shorts on and their bare arms.

29 09 2010
pommie

being a pommie the game of AFL is a mystery. Someone described it as like a bunch of men in tight shorts chasing a chook around a field. Whatever floats you boat.

29 09 2010
brad

AFL a bit too complicated for you may-be?I think you would recoil from any sort of sport that would mean putting your “body on the line”(except Roman-Greco wrestling)

29 09 2010
brad

:Martin(not Pommie)-oh fuck-it Pommie as well,what would a Pom know about real football

29 09 2010
martin

Aha. Yeah why do you call it ‘real’ footy? I had a boss from Melbourne who called it that.

Is that short for “Really gay”?

29 09 2010
martin

What’s complicated about it. You kick the ball around and you punch the ball to your boyfriends and you get 6 points if you kick it through the middle goal and 1 point for the side goals.

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Viv, help us here. Are AFL players homo erotic. We need to settle this once and for all and you are our best hope.

People don’t understand AFL because of the uncertainty.
– Which way will the ball bounce?
– Is the pressure coming from behind, in front, side?
– Why are they allowed to use their hands?
– Am I sexualy attracted to the players bare arms?
– Why is there a replay?

Very confusing for some people.

29 09 2010
vivisection

Good question. On first appearances some of those guys look great, then they open their mouths and goodbye attraction. I’d rather an intelligent, funny, non-jock any day. I have never got into football, though i did win the tipping competition at work one year. I filled in all of my guesses and took off to Europe for a few months, came back and collected my prize!

I know lots of queens who love football, and I’m sure the shorty shorts and muscles are largely to account for this. The fact that they are always grabbing each others ar$es , poking fingers up each others butts and having orgies with each other present no doubt makes it all the more homo erotic.

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I think you mean League players there Viv with the finger etc. Thankyou for your thoughts. Why do you think Martin is finding bare arms erotic?

29 09 2010
vivisection

Martin, are you into fisting? Just asking, it’s sometimes the simplest answers…Apologies if I’m wrong.

29 09 2010
SD

Clearly when it comes to ball games, there are no certainties.

29 09 2010
vivisection

Well, you certainly wouldn’t find me at one!

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

You don’t like to play games with balls? You certainly surprise me Viv.

29 09 2010
Shirley M

Depends on what kind of ball games we’re talking about, I guess.

29 09 2010
vivisection

I thought that I should at least try and act innocent. Clearly you know me too well.

29 09 2010
James Hunter

Thats for sure

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Damn it. Need a new shirt now Viv, dribbled coffee all over myself.

29 09 2010
martin

No not into fisting. Seems a bit depraved. Although I will give the people who do it points for persistence.

29 09 2010
vivisection

Martin – Sensible approach, it’s all fun and again until the prolapse happens. Then its fecal incontinence and sphincter reconstruction – or “tightening the purse strings” as they say…

29 09 2010
martin

I don’t watch it though. I was hypothesising. I think the bare arms and small shorts are a giveaway of the underlying man love that the watchers and players of the sport have for each other.

29 09 2010
SD

I thought this was true of any form of contact sport. I mean, its not cricket, is it?!

29 09 2010
martin

Probably. I guess AFL is just more of a queenie type of thing. NRL is more YMCA.

29 09 2010
vivisection

But Ian Roberts was an NRL player, and he’s the only footballer from any code to come out in Australia.

29 09 2010
martin

Must be some sort of behaviour carried on from Greece and Sparta. Half gay or something.

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Whats wrong with man love?

29 09 2010
martin

Nothing. It’s just funny.

29 09 2010
SD

Josh Thomas also says it takes practice.

29 09 2010
martin

I think you’re uncomfortable with your hidden homosexuality that I’ve uncovered for you. Don’t worry, it’s legal to be gay these days.

29 09 2010
vivisection

I often re-hide my homosexuality so someone special can uncover it. It’s a cheap thrill.

29 09 2010
Shirley M

I do the same thing with my virginity, Viv.

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

You don’t watch fisting?

29 09 2010
Shirley M

What a FREAK!

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I worry a bit about Martin sometimes.

29 09 2010
brad

i think Martin secretly wishes he could “oil up” with the boys and go into battle half naked,but he is just way tooo hetro for such frivolous behaviour.

29 09 2010
martin

Woops. Brad and Simon see post above.

29 09 2010
vivisection

I bet he peeps through his fingers.

30 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Viv, surely you meant slips through his fingers, you know with all the oil on his fellow playas.

29 09 2010
brad

Why does foxtel show WCE games on the porn channel and not the AFL channel?
18 guys getting pumped up the clacker by 18 other guys is deemed inappropiate for general veiwing

30 09 2010
Chairman Miaow

Sigh. For everyone who loves their footie of any variant, here’s a maxstreme idea from Hoyts

http://www.hoyts.com.au/Movies/Now_On_Sale.aspx?genre=&classification=&cinemaType=&cinemaID=BROADW&operatorID=BRO

Just imagine the joy of watching the NRL final in glorious 3D surrounded by 200 bogues munching their popcorn and giving you their witty commentary on the ref’s skills, the opposing team’s parentage and a blow by blow account of all the action.

Now I know Hell really exists. It’s at Hoyts this Saturday.

29 09 2010
James Hunter

Shirl,
Are you talking about the election or something more sinister ?

29 09 2010
bec

See also how the bogan believes “tradies who read novels”, “feminine feminists” and “gay men who live quiet and conservative lives” to be nonexistent. Ah, the refreshing comfort of steadfastly believing in extreme stereotypes.

29 09 2010
Anonymous Bosch

It’s because Bogans never deviate from their Stereotype. They assume everyone else does the same.

29 09 2010
vivisection

I’m not sure why, and I can’t be certain, but I think the last paragraph of today’s entry is great.

29 09 2010
SD

True. I think the whole post was to work that in:-)

Viv you have got me watching 4weddings (talk about a predictable show)-well at least the endings. Is being um – a plus size – a prerequisite for the brides?!

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

You need the hambeast for this so there is the expected tension over whether the wedding dress will fit or the bogue will eat too many donuts and get huge for the wedding. Apparently stress makes you put weight on.

29 09 2010
Will S

There is no non-bogan justification for watching 4 Weddings; not even TBL-esque fieldwork!

30 09 2010
vivisection

Yes there is. I can’t think of it right now. But there would be.

29 09 2010
urbanreverie

Agree Viv, the Harvard-style citations are what makes the last para the best. It would be handy though if TBL put a reference list at the end so I knew which works they were referring to specifically. I wonder how James Not H would mark such an essay where the author(s) forgot to append the reference list at the end. 😉

29 09 2010
SD

You can google it.

29 09 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

I am indeed not happy. Not only is there no bibliography, it is also unclear whether that being attributed to Furnham, or Facione et al.

However, I have no doubt that was intentional, and in line with the theme of uncertainty.

29 09 2010
Benny Hill

Bogan’s also like to quote phrases then mention the name of the person who quoted the phrase originally, to look smart and shit but get it wrong.

Pub last night some idiot ‘I have a dream’ at the top of his lungs then goes on to say it was Malcolm X who uttered them famous words. Halfwit. Is there a term for this disease, Quote malapropism or similar?

29 09 2010
vivisection

“Ignant” is a good term for it.

29 09 2010
Benny Hill

Ignant is a good one, I should have glassed him.

29 09 2010
pb

is this the first occurence of in-tbl referencing?

It could well be. Part of today’s entry was pilfered from another project we’ve been toying with, which contains many in-tbl references. If references appear in future entries, you can confidently accuse us of stealing from ourselves. TBL

29 09 2010
SD

Possible the confusingly attired “gentlemen” pictured are also tbl folk?!

29 09 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

Beautifully elucidated as ever. Certainty speaks to the Bogue’s love of conformity.

But this is really important!

We were unfortunately exposed to some breakfast television this morning, between circa 0853 and 0905 hours and noticed something very peculiar, giving rise to the following:

Has anyone ever seen Richard Wilkins and Kerry Anne Kennerley in the same room at the same time?

???

I thought not.

Chubby and Edna; sowing the seeds of uncertainty live from Parap.

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Chub, all the uncertainty. I am fairly certain my head will explode.

29 09 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

certainly!

29 09 2010
pb

the richard anne wilkerley image that you’ve given me is very scary chubby.

29 09 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

I swear they are the same person.
Q: What do you get when you cross Richard Wilkins with Kerry Anne Kennerley?
A: Richard Wilkins.

(hey simon I think that’s another Koan)

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Richard Wilkins Bogue
Kerri Anne morph

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Opps hit submit prematurely.

29 09 2010
Shirley M

Is that because you’re all work up over this talk of home-erotic arms, bottoms, ball games and fisting?

29 09 2010
vivisection

and richard wilkins

29 09 2010
SD

well he has confessed to man love above!

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Kerri Anne equals Richard
Holy circle of bogue complete
Baby jesus weeps for us

29 09 2010
Shirley M

Oh look. Simon’s so very worked up he got over excited with his syllable count. How cute. 😉

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Doh! Pass me a towel please.

29 09 2010
vivisection

well you’ve already ruined your shirt – use that.

29 09 2010
Shirley M

Just stay away from black lights, dude.

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Are we done now. I thought this was about Martin’s obsession?

29 09 2010
Shirley M

You’re just so much fun to play with Simon. But I guess you already knew that.

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I’m here to help Shirl, you know that.

29 09 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Don’t worry, SGaA: haiku does not strictly have to conform to the 5-7-5 syllable format, just tradition y’see. And buggered be tradition if applied arbitrarily.

Nothing wrong with that haiku at all. Non-conformity’s a good thing, as you know 😉

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Thanks Bag O. It is a good haiku. Maybe not a koan but good none the less.

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Did someone say premature?

29 09 2010
vivisection

I’m confused is “baby Jesus weeping” a Euphemism?

29 09 2010
Shirley M

hahahahahaha!

I’m going to use that, Viv. Hope you don’t mind.

29 09 2010
vivisection

take it Shirley, it’s yours 🙂

29 09 2010
Shirley M

I’ll use it in a sentence:

“Don’t let baby jesus weep in my eye tonight, darling”.

29 09 2010
vivisection

and when recounting your exploits – “ooh, he wept like the baby jesus”..

29 09 2010
SD

Shirley now I have to borrow it too! Maybe you can charge a royalty on it Viv?

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Me god of love, strong like bull!!

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

And I will be collecting the royalties thanks.

29 09 2010
pellegrino

Certainly haven’t, and it’ll never happen.

The Universe knows that it’d collapse in on itself if two such massive embodiments of boganity were to occupy the same room, and hence it conspires to keep these dangerous elements as far apart from each other as it can reasonably arrange.

I’d prefer the Universe to take even greater steps, and install Kennerley and Wilkins on other (separate) planes of existence.

29 09 2010
Lord Charos

When will the Bogans become our slaves? I grow tired of waiting…

Though the sacrifices are heavy, I fight knowing that a single spark of courage can ignite the fires of hope, and restore peace to our tiny planet.

29 09 2010
martin

Dream on. We are the oppressed and ostracised and shall be for some decades yet I suspect. How long will it take the world’s average iq to go beyond 80? Anyway I think we’re going backwards.

29 09 2010
brad

I think it may be back too the old drawing board(dungeons and dragons that is) for you boys.

29 09 2010
martin

Well at least we know when to use the word “to”.

29 09 2010
brad

soo easy

29 09 2010
Lord Charos

Utterly owned…

29 09 2010
brad

pwned

29 09 2010
Chairman Miaow

At least they’re killing off their their offspring. Mind you, doesn’t everyone feel like an abortion after drinking 10 bacardi shots and throwing up over your ed hardy shirt?

http://www.yasrsly.com/abortion-celebration-party-in-palm-springs/5715/

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

That is f*cked up. Can I glass her please.

29 09 2010
vivisection

I feel like celebrating just by knowing that that damaged trash isn’t going to f#ck over some poor kids life just yet.

29 09 2010
brad

All these f#@cked gen y’s will have too change their identity’s in 10 years time-how undignified can you get?

30 09 2010
miss dahl

Wait a sec, she typed “aboution” – could even be she’s thinking of getting an “ablution”. She does look like she could use a bath …

29 09 2010
Tombarina

Of course the bogan loves certainty. Bear Grylls is certain, as is Border Security, Barnsie and talkback radio.

The bogan’s innate capacity to see things in black and white is what renders it intellectually superior to the poofs, wogs, bleeding-heart lefties, art-fanciers and others divorced from “the real world”.

A dearth of certainosity is precisely why the confused, wavering beings who occasionally perceive shades of grey need to “grow a set” and “harden the #&%k up”.

Indeed, it is this heady combination of certaination-linked IQ and toughness which enables the bogan to dismiss health issues – prostate screening or 15+ SPF, for example – as ‘gay’. This sense of certaininity will come in handy when the bogan is diagnosed with stage 2 melanoma thanks to attending 20/20 matches clad only in boardies, a polyester Chinese-made Aussie flag worn as a cape, and a hat fashioned from a watermelon.

At this point, it will turn to ACA/TT for the latest scientific breakthroughs into its plight, and blame reffos for clogging up the health system. And that’s certain.

29 09 2010
Bag O'Turnips

That’s not the real world!

That’s the Rool World, ay! Fuggin’ wally woofters juz dunnave a cluooe, ay!

29 09 2010
Maiki-T

classic tbl, brilliant. of this i am certain.

29 09 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

Kinda quiet in here today.

Anyway.

After a day’s shenanigans in a new town we have decided we love uncertainty; just bomb on into town and in no time we are hopelessly lost. (this is partly due to the fact that my beloved Edna does most of the navigating, and since she is one of those non bogues who has functional mammary glands and does not carry her gonads in a little bag, she is consequently completely unable to read a map. this is by no means to besmirch her. Edna is a most intelligent and capable woman. NO women can read maps) anyway, it’s a great way to see a new town.

also, I can’t believe no-one has said hung premiership yet.

We went to a shopping mall in casuarina today. what is it about mega malls that just draws bogans? anyway, I needed some new undies. I was hoping to get something in a sorty of mocha and yellow tie die. I thought it might cut down on the laundry costs. but no luck. where was I?
oh yeah. on first impression Darwin looked a bit bogue free, but casuarina plaza set that straight. the southern cross forearm tatt is very popular here. we have seriously seen four. also chevrodore utes are positively common and territorians must be the largest consumers of personalised plates (my fave today was POO-LAH. baffling. just baffling.) oh and tiiiiiny, tiiiiny shorts on femme bogues. crass and icky.

I was gonna say something else too…
um…

I’m hungry.

what did I come in here for?
heheeheehee

.

29 09 2010
SD

Given the past few minutes here, the words hung and undies leap out.

29 09 2010
Pandabater

Chubby it sounds like you successful in your search for bush medicine.

29 09 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Just hope that if you both decide to head due west on the Victoria Highway, note that the killjoy Wiberwals Barnett Rubble and Coy. have turned the thumbscrews down upon fanciers of the herbal jazz tobacco like our good selves.

New laws just passed through WA parliament have repealed the progressive gains of the ALP’s cannabis reform laws, where you could have up to 30 grams and two plants without charge, to being able to have no more than 10 grams for personal possession without charge (>10g is considered a traffickable quantity), no plants at all, a ban on the sale of smoking implements like bongs, cones and pipes and most nefarious of all, the ability for police to stop and search you without grounds for suspicion.

The WA Commissioner for Police, Karl O’Callaghan, supported this move—what a fool. Not as if the cops already have enough on their plates with far more serious criminal activity requiring their attention: all it does is it criminalises a whole sector of otherwise law-abiding, tax-paying, quiet, functional and reasonable folks that do not need to be under custody! As for the rehabilitation of all these demonic potheads, well, guess how much the Wibs tossed towards that? That’s right, sweet Fanny Adams, not a carrot!

What a bunch of jerkoffs the WA Guvmint are, with their police state agenda: this is where the bogues could be mobilised to do something useful, appealing to their self-interest whilst serving the community—of the many bogans who partake in very-deeply inhaling, wonder how many were swayed by the social conservatism (ergo, certainty) of the Barnett Rubble rabble, and voted for them two years ago? Gently remind those folks that they have had their stash made more illegal under them, taking away their right to toke in peace.

Imagine the possibilities…bogans being used for good purposes!

7 10 2010
Mick

On the other hand, this decision did give me hours of entertainment listening to talkback radio in the Pilbara.

Indignant stoners rock my world!

29 09 2010
pb

oi! as a female geographer i can so read maps and am extra-skilled at it. harrumph!

30 09 2010
AlyssaKT

I am not a geographer but I too have an attitude for reading maps (and I’m female)!

30 09 2010
AlyssaKT

aptitude!!!*

29 09 2010
Nelson Esq

A few months ago when my HSV driving CuB (now former) neighbour told me he was selling his house, he expressed a level of ‘pissed offedness’ – boganesque phrase there for you folks! – about the real estate agent not being able to tell him exactly what he’d get for his house at auction. I told him it’s down to what someone is prepared to pay for it on the day. “Yeah but he should know, he’s the agent and he couldn’t guarantee me what I want!”

29 09 2010
Bec

Oh TBL, tell me there is a forthcoming entry on corporal punishment. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my new bogan neighbours, it’s that they love it sick.

Given that raising a child well involves patience, understanding, compassion, consistent routine and firmness of resolve, it’s only logical that the bogue, having nome of the above, would resort to lashing out at home and in public. Hence why young Beejaaee (real name encountered) is so adept at thumping the crap out of less boguish playmates.

All of the above can be substituted with “dogs” as well and it’s just as accurate.

29 09 2010
pellegrino

“Beejaaee”?!?! No. Please, tell me you’re extracting the urine…

29 09 2010
bec

I am not extracting urine OR michael, as it were. Similar name observed at an extra-curricular event hosted at my school: Aarjaye. I’ll let you guess as to how it’s pronounced…

29 09 2010
pellegrino

I’d guess “RJ”, but anything’s possible in Boganville…

Poor Beejaaee… I’ll bet after 17 years of merciless pisstaking by schoolfriends she/he will probably wish that’s what dad had settled for 17 years 9 months previously.

29 09 2010
chubbybloodfart BBo

chubby’s tip for wednesday.

The Humpty Doo Hotel.

we suggest you bring some sort of edged weapon. guns are for pussies and a broken glass just shows a lack of planning.
Alternately a banjo might help you fit in.
do you actually need six fingers to play banjo or does it just make it easier?

but hey! We got on!

29 09 2010
brad

New Guinea’s finest?

29 09 2010
Lord Charos

When will we enslave the Bogans? I WANT SLAVES!
It would make the world a better place…

29 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Lord. I think you and our Fiona may have a bit in common, except she already has slaves. You could ask her for assistance in this matter.

29 09 2010
SD

Perhaps Lord Charos is Mr. Fiona?

29 09 2010
martin

Pretty simple. Marry and or be born rich.

29 09 2010
distinguished gentleman

Getting back to AFL vs Soccer, the two games will now be known as:

FOOTY (AFL) and FOOTBALL (the game previously known as Soccer).

The game previously known as Soccer in this country has always been called Football. Going back the hundreds of years to the development of the game, it was called Football and always has been.

I have never heard anyone refer to AFL as “Football”. The common phrases are “Going to the Footy”, Did you watch the Footy”, etc etc.

Given the fact that there seems to more handball and less kicking in AFL, the term Football is clearly non-descriptive anyway.

So I would be pleased if the citizens of this fine land henceforth adopt the new terms, Footy (AFL), and Football (the game formerly known as Soccer).

29 09 2010
James Hunter

DG,
What planet are you from ?
Soccer is soccer and football must therefor be Rugby League. AFL is a girls game and therefor dosnt count.

29 09 2010
martin

I agree. They’re so precious about it being called ‘football’. Makes me want to call it soccer even more. Maybe if they scored a few more goals it might help.

Football is a generic term to me. If I was in the middle of the USA I would assume it was Grid Iron.

29 09 2010
martin

Yeah. Even wikipedia backs me up. So suck it to my opponents.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Football

30 09 2010
brad

League is such a cute little game,reminds me of country football or VFL in the early 80,s

30 09 2010
Nelson Esq

In spite of some codes, especially American Grid Iron, doing very little kicking, they are all “football”. Agree with Martin.

DG, some people think that soccer should be the only code called football because the players do not use their hands like in other codes. However, my response to them it that it is legal to use the head as well, so it should therefore be called Foot and Head Ball. Others believe that only soccer can claim to be called football because it is the oldest of the codes. However, while soccer may have naturally developed first as an informal games, in terms of the ratification of standard rules and establishing dedicated clubs to contest an organised competition, the oldest code in the world is in fact Australian Rules Football. Melbourne Football Club the oldest football club in the world, with Geelong the second oldest. So on that count, should the AFL declare that only Australian Rules Football be the only code to be allowed to be called ‘football’. The answer of course is no.

Generally, this is what I refer to each code as:

Soccer = Soccer or Football depending on who I’m talking to. If speaking to a Pom or a European, I call it football. I sometime use Füßball when in conversation; the German for football. Most people know I’m talking about soccer…though some think I’m talking about table soccer…

AFL = For us non-bogans, this is referred to as either Football or Australian Rules, which changes to Aussie Rules by half time after a few beers and then ‘Footy’, at half time when totally pissed. To the bogan population, it’s Footy all the time, whether pissed or not.

However, something that irks me is bogans referring to all Australian Rules Football as AFL. “Oh, me kid plays AFL, ya know, Under 9’s for Montmorency”
No he doesn’t. Last time I looked, Collingwood or St Kilda did not play against the Montmorency Under 9’s on their way to this years Grand Final. Your snotty nosed little sprog plays Australian Rules Football. AFL is the highest league in the country, contested by teams who play by the rules known as Australian Rules Football.

Rugby Union = As the original (and best) form of Rugby, it is the only one that can be referred to simply as ‘Rugby’ Also known as ‘Rugger’
Rugby League = Not Rugby or Rugger; either ‘Rugby League’ or just plain ‘League’.

30 09 2010
brad

well said Nelson i think you may have helped clarify and enlighten some of our fellow posters,in what has been a rather robust and confounding debate,full of twists and turns(just like our great indigenous game).i must add also if it was too be called football then wouldnt they be called The Footballroos?

29 09 2010
SD

Sorry for posting this again but has the text of What is a Bogan Today been hacked? Or am I imagining things (as you can imagine I am worried about the latter)?!

29 09 2010
James Hunter

SD,
If you think you may be immagining things then there is still time. Watch Question time every day and before long even you will not be sure.

30 09 2010
devil's advocate

How does the bogans’ love of certainty fit in with it’s love of ill-informed gambling?

30 09 2010
YB

The bogan is certain it will win. It’s only maths that is stopping the bogan, and the bogan knows better than maths. For certain.

1 10 2010
Dgusten

Exactly, it’s why Dane Swan’s odds were so short for the Brownlow, and why Collingwood’s odds for the GF are so short. Because Collingwood got the most supporters, and, say it with me, most of them are Bogans.

3 10 2010
brad

Caaaaaaaaaaarn the f@#king Mighty Maggies,the f@#king greatest football club in the world-premiers,numero uno,kings of the hill,f@#king a-number 1,all hail the Magpie Army and stay outta our way cause we’re here too stay,so you can stick ya comments about us up ya clacker cause we’re the best,and while we’re at it ya can stick ya lame-arse,soft c@#k soccer up ya arse and ya can stick ya no-neck,arse-sniffing rugby up ya arse-those coco-nut heads have nothing on Nick Maxwell,Dane Swan and co when it comes too toughness.Anyway im toping up on some snail trails and crackin a few jars-then it back off to Glosh’s Paddock
C-O-L-L-I-N-G-W-O-O-D C-O-L-L-I-N-G-W-O-O-D

3 10 2010
James Hunter

Brad,
You realy should not have stopped your medication.

3 10 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Brad, thats all pretty bogan my friend.

3 10 2010
brad

Sorry i dont know what came over me- i guess being around the magpie faithful for the better part of the last 48 hrs does strange things too ones state of mind-anyway im home now nursing a giant hangover -but have a nice warm feeling all over not felt since 1990(and when i popped my cherry and also the birth off my off-spring and also my first car,ect) I shall now return my usual good self in the next day or too.

30 09 2010
pb

surely certainty is the defining characteristic of ill-informed gambling?

30 09 2010
nick from franga

this aint what bogans do youse bunch of fucking cunts!

30 09 2010
BigPanda

Oh dear, Nick has an attitude…don’t worry sunshine, school is back next week….

But in breaking news….this will certainly create uncertainty for some of our bogue friends, who like all that fiddle playing, coz it’s classy n shit….http://www.heraldsun.com.au/entertainment/andre-rieu-australian-tour-rescheduled-for-may/story-e6frf96f-1225932316035

1 10 2010
Dave

Whilst i find it quite amusing myself, I am somewhat by undertones of elitism evident in this website. I could write a similar blog entitled ‘things pretentious inner city yuppies/aspirationals like’ and i’m sure the reaction of readers on this blog would be somewhat different. Would it be because much of that trendy group actually overlaps with your much derided bogan?

I believe such a blog has already been written, and its audience was quite comparable to ours, only much, much larger. TBL

1 10 2010
AlyssaKT

If elitism means using your brain to discern between blindly following the pack and looking deeper to form an intellectual opinion then I aspire to be guilty of it.

1 10 2010
pb

where’s bachelor of bogan?

1 10 2010
AlyssaKT

do you really miss it?

Just in case, it is now there! TBL

31 08 2011
magicmunt

This explains why they don’t like films with open or ambiguous endings, like…………

On the topic of elites I love how Bogans accuse Green voters of being elites because some of them live in inner-city suburbs like Brunswick and Fitzroy. If living there makes them elites what does it make the Liberals who live in Kooyong, Armadale, Toorak and Malvern?

Ah yes, I can see the Bogans criticising the inner-city latte sippers as they sip their lattes in the Knox City food court.

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