While the bogan’s tendency to consume maxtreme quantities of fossil fuels may at times give off the impression that it is a climate change denier, this is not the case. In fact, the green movement has gained sufficient mainstream momentum that the bogan now wishes to be seen as being part of it. It has witnessed prominent celebrities campaigning for the environment, and can now often be overheard speaking of its wish for the government to hurry up and fix it. It even watched Live Earth on television and occasionally remembers to take its green bags to the supermarket.
No, rather than a climate change denier, the bogan is simply a change denier. And this presents a conundrum. It wishes to be seen as a worldly and considerate environmentalist, but also feels a primal urge to vigorously deny any proposal, environmental or otherwise, that requires it to alter its lifestyle in any way, shape or form. As such, the bogan’s opposition to a substantial carbon reduction plan is rooted not in climate change skepticism, but in the desire to protect the ‘Australian dream’ – those basic constitutional rights without which the continent might as well be flooded by melting polar ice caps and rickety boats full of poor people. These constitutional privileges include the right to own a thin-walled McMansion and artificially control its temperature to 18 degrees in summer and 28 degrees in winter, the right to low-cost, high-speed private transport, and the right to consume petrol as recreation.
But the bogan, ever in the know, has the answer. It has seen that movie about Al Pacino – An Inconvenient Truth – and come up with a convenient solution. Carbon offsets. These allow the bogan to pontificate about environmental issues while maintaining the ability to have 25 minute showers, get out and use the radiant heat lamp, clean the driveway with a high pressure hose, ride jet skis and dirt bikes, drive the car to the milk bar, make frequent trips to Bali, and not bother separating plastics from green waste. All of this can be offset by paying a company $2 to pretend to plant trees in someone else’s backyard. In this case it actually does have to be someone else’s backyard, because the 2 metre space between the McMansion and the back fence is entirely occupied by a Buddhism-themed water fountain and a 16 burner barbecue so powerful that it needs to be bolted into the pavers to prevent it from launching vertically when ignited.