Despite what it may tell you, the bogan likes to be stationary. Whether this is a product of simple laziness or if a deeper, more sinister objective lies beneath remains somewhat uncertain. What is certain however is that the comfort of securing a 10 square metre rectangle in an undercover car park fills its heart with the sort of glee usually reserved for P!nk concerts and post-Christmas sales. Wily property developers have long been au courant of the bogan’s love for a dedicated area of asphalt for its prized automobile, and many of Australia’s most successful retail outlets demonstrate that to get hordes of bogans through the door, the building needs to be ringed with irresistible rows of car parking for bogans to squabble over.
Better still, the bogan is often willing to pay multiple dollars per hour for the privilege. While the bogan hates being near vehicles on the roads, in car parks it derives a strange sense of calm from being surrounded by thousands of other steel cages committed to the maxtreme genius of the internal combustion engine. Public transport is rarely an option for the bogan, as its complete lack of self-awareness will compel it to sneer that trains “are full of annoying bogans”. The extent of this truth relates to the bogan in question taking the train when it is too drunk to drink drive.
Venues such as shopping malls and sport stadia offer “free” parking to its patrons, and the bogan has embraced such graciousness like a hyena that has been left a flyblown carcass by a compassionate lion. For instance, a female bogan will often spend upwards of four hours aimlessly browsing through a melange of stuff it doesn’t need, and then decide it cannot live without it. When it exits the mall $4,200 poorer, the bogan will console itself with the boganomic fact that at least it didn’t have to pay for parking, and drive off with the self-satisfaction of having stuck it to the parking man.
While parking lots serve to house motor vehicles at rest, the bogan has extended this functionality to also rest itself. While non-bogans may prefer to congregate at houses, bars, or parks, bogan clusters of both genders regularly accumulate in car parks. Many bogan males depend on the appearance or performance of their vehicle for their ego, and as a result are keen to use a public parking area as the location for their mating dance. The bogan will seductively switch between admiring its car, leaning on its car, and revving its car in a bid to lure a female into the back seat. All too often, the evening will end with the bogan performing “the stranger” on itself, parked further from the McDonalds than its earlier preening location.