#174 – Pyramids

15 09 2010

The bogan knows that it was born to see the world. From the first, second, and third times it went to Hollywood on the Gold Coast, it instantly knew that it was a born traveller. It is for this reason that the bogan will tell you that it wants to see the Pyramids. Eventually the bogan will discover that Jetstar does not currently fly to Egypt, and that it’s going to need a lot more discipline and/or luck to get sufficient cash to visit them in a self-financed manner. As it despondently clicks away from the Jetstar website and back to ninemsn, a pop-up ad appears that answers its prayers. “Looks like Stephen Conroy’s nanny state internet filter hasn’t been able to stop me from getting lucky!”, chirps the bogan to nobody in particular, proud that it remembered the politician’s name from the hatchet piece on Today Tonight.

The bogan is not inclined to dwell on its victory though, because there are pyramids awaiting it. The bogan reads over the popup ad a second time. “Freaken sick”, it mutters, still to nobody in particular. The bogan is now aware of a hot new internet startup company which is building “the next Facebook”. “In on the ground floor, baby!”, yowls the bogan, finally at a pitch sufficient to lure its Staffy Pitbull cross to open one muscled-over eye. Within ten minutes, the bogan has direct deposited the popup-requested $1,000 into the company’s bank account. For the third time since the Telstra float, the bogan is a shareholder once more. Five thousand shares, redeemable for cold hard cash 12 months from now. Freaken sweet. But the best part of the deal is that for every extra person the bogan gets to invest, Twitspace promises to send it $100. “Pyramids here we come ay!”

The bogan spends the next few months using every social occasion to harangue its acquaintances into investing in Twitspace. During this period of pitching to its friends and family, two $100 cheques come its way from a bank in Central America. Money for nothing! As the 12 month mark approaches, the Warren Buffett-esque mercantile bogan marvels at what its shares in Twitspace must be worth now. “We could put in an offer for the Sphinx”, it boasts to its co-investors. Still, the bogan’s inbox remains ungraced by Twitspace Inc – 13 months go by, and then 15 months. The bogan begins to wonder.

Eventually, the bogan’s pyramid scheme victims glass it and call it a cunt. Its credibility in tatters, it concedes that it is not on its way to Egypt. The dejected bogan will need discipline and/or luck to get out of this one. After careful contemplation, it decides to take its remaining money to the one Sphinx that it swears will not break its heart – a pokies venue located on Thompson’s Road, Geelong. The bogan then turns its mind to figuring out what to with that camel that it bought on eBay.


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195 responses

15 09 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. Perhaps the bogan would prefer to be lazing its way down the Ponzi river too?

15 09 2010
AntiPajero

…Or perhaps it could see itself being wined and dined by grateful Nigerian royalty.

15 09 2010
lol-plates

I happen to have a bridge for sale….

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

How much? My prince needs an investment. If you can make it stick I will take a 20% introduction fee.

15 09 2010
vivisection

Would he be interested in an island? Perfect place to be during low tide, and very secluded during high tide. Or I have a Racehorse – very experienced.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I know of a business opportunity. It’s not Amway but you sell Amway products. But it’s certainly not Amway in any way.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

Nor is it a pyramid scheme. However, if you reach the pointy end of the structure, you will most certainly be able to visit the Pyramids.

15 09 2010
lol-plates

Tts not a pyramid scheme, this is the trapezoid.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The pointy end sounds painful.

15 09 2010
pb

the bogan knows it can stand on it just fine with the help of a power balance band.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

This post makes me actually feel sorry for the poor bogans. Awww.

15 09 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. Why? Surely they can see all they need of the Pyramids on “Getaway”?

15 09 2010
Shirley M

Oh I’m not sorry they’ll never make it to the pyramids. It saddens me that they have such a poor grasp on reality.

15 09 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. I love the truly lesser people who actually fall for the Nigerian scam.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Are you Nigerian Fi?

15 09 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. Of course not. Nigeria has dirt and flies and stuff.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Just thought this could help top up your discretionary income.

15 09 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. All my income is discretionary and fortunately, doesn’t really require topping up.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Can I invest?

15 09 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. Sure. I can give you a guaranteed interest rate if you like too.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Cool, send me your bank account details and I will get things started.

15 09 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. I’m afraid Swiss bank accounts don’t work quite like that…

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

They do when I’m involved! Trust me.

16 09 2010
devil's advocate

By “discretionary” income, Fiona means that her income relies entirely on the discretion of passers-by in deciding whether to fling their spare change into the coffee cup she waves at them as they wander past on their way to their train.

15 09 2010
Pendant

LOL. I know your whole persona is in jest but “Of course not” in that context is brilliantly racist and just a touch boganic.

15 09 2010
SD

Also are there the famed bush flies in Toorak? Or have they been banished along with sundry other natives?

15 09 2010
devil's advocate

LOL. Nigerians are also, for the most part, relatively thin. By contrast, Fiona’s gunt is well documented in previous posts.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I once had a Nigerian prince promise me $5,000,000 if I sent him my bank account details. I told him to f*ck off. Was I wrong?

15 09 2010
Shirley M

Yes Simon, you were wrong. You’re supposed to string them along for a while. Ask for naked photos and such.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Perhaps I could ask the prince to invest in Foods for the Arse?

15 09 2010
vivisection

Good thinking Simon! A sumptious buffet of earthly delights awaits all investors.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

As Fonzi would say “sit on it”.

15 09 2010
vivisection

I have Fonzi’s favourite Rock and Roll Songs Compilation album and the bonus track teaches you how to say Sit On It like Fonzi. I’ll use it for our dodgy call centre staff training.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Viv, you are a gold mine. Do you have a storage facility or like like a pack rat?

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Live like a pack rat.

15 09 2010
vivisection

I need a storage facility, does your Nigerian Prince have one for lease? I just keep buying more furniture with lots of storage space! Just picked up an Art Deco Record Cabinet on the weekend to keep the several hundred vinyls in. Worth it to house the Fonzi album alone. Mr Viv also has a wall tapestry of the Fonz – its like a small shag rug with his face printed on it – hilarious.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

I had an iron-on transfer of The Fonz from the 70’s that was a big picture of his head with “Heeeeyyyyy” written underneath it. I ironed it onto a shirt and wore it to Livid in ’98, I think. I then stashed it away unwashed for fear of washing The Fonz away with the sweat.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Appropriate, Fonzi is quite small himself.

15 09 2010
vivisection

That transfer would be good on pillow cases too!

15 09 2010
Shirley M

If I’d had 2 Viv, that’s probably what I would have done. But iron-on transfers weren’t much chop back then, so I really don’t think the image would last long with frequent washing.

15 09 2010
vivisection

They’d have to be the special “guest” pillows, like “guest “soaps and bath salts and the like. “Good” stuff the family or frequent visitors can’t even consider using. Covered in plastic, so even guests think twice

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Viv, you need a new house. Maybe something to the west. You could turn the grand sitting area into a grand display area.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

That’s right. If your aim is to screw people, you might as well get some style into your repertoire.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

Brilliant idea!

15 09 2010
Sten

I’ve heard you (and others) mention it a few times now, Simon. Pray tell, what is “Foods for the Arse”?

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

It is a cookbook we are designing of foods strictly for the arse. Bit fuzzy on why we decided to cook food to eat with your arse instead of mouth but it was probably Shirleys fault.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Sten, actually see #160 Emotion drums. Viv coined the phrase. Be careful it all turns a bit Benny Hill.

16 09 2010
vivisection

I preferred it when we blamed Shirley.

16 09 2010
James Hunter

Viv,
Shirl has broad shoulders

16 09 2010
vivisection

And huge feet apparently.

16 09 2010
Sten

Having now brought myself up to speed on the intricacies and nuances of Foods For The Arse, I can now say that both Simon and Viv have got it spot-on… I see much of Benny Hill and South park in this.

Keep up the good work, folks.

16 09 2010
James Hunter

Sten,
Maybe a bit of Homer’s green raidoactive supository as well ?

16 09 2010
vivisection

I think Shirley’s absence today is a good indicator of her guilty role in starting the whole smutty exercise. I was led astray. I am wholesome.

16 09 2010
Shirley M

Yeah, get f*cked Viv. I’ve been watching you lot. 😉

Fine. I’ll take the blame. I’ll also take the biggest cut of the $$$ when the books out.

17 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Viv, Thanks for the laugh, you wholesome, oh how I chortled.

15 09 2010
SD

Or at the least do what the 419 baiters do, esepcially when they commission artworks.

http://www.419eater.com/html/john_boko.htm

For e.g. Shirley’s leaky cock could be further immortalised in wood. It could even be a QLD tourist attraction to rival pyramids in time:-)

15 09 2010
vivisection

That’s a great site SD. Shirley’s enormous leaky cock could indeed be bigger than the Big Pineapple itself.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

That’s awesome!

I would very much like a woody leaky cock.

15 09 2010
vivisection

It could have a spiral staircase inside and little balcony from which you can photograph the kids waving to those below. And on the hour, it will ejaculates onto the crowd below who arrived on buses to see it, stood there patiently and count down the seconds until they were covered. Then they all go inside to the cafeteria and have afternoon tea.
I think it will need to be in the mountains near the gold coast hinterland.

15 09 2010
SD

I withdraw my feeble attempts to dress up the cock – Viv, your suggestions are waaay better!

15 09 2010
Shirley M

As long as it ejaculates in a very dribbly and anti-climactic fashion, I’m happy,

Of course, the cafeteria would only serve food of a phallic nature. Perhaps it shall be named ‘The Phallusarium’. Bogans who don’t know what phallus means will thinks it’s real clarrsy. Maybe one of the will be so impressed, they’ll even name their offspring after it someday.

15 09 2010
vivisection

The daily special
“Free Footy Franks from the Phallusarium for every child under five with a foxy father”

Of course they have to know who their father is and he must be with them, not in Jouvie, so it wont cost much.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

Further contemplation has led me to believe that ‘Big Woody’ should be the centrepiece of a luxury, genital themed resort. Each private cabin boasting a vagina shaped spa, scrotum bean bags… the design opportunities are endless!

15 09 2010
vivisection

There are 2 islands off the coast of Hervey Bay we could probably pick up for a song – they are called Big Woody and Little Woody Islands. It could be a new bogan wonderland – we just need a game show to give away weekend trips (like Perfect Match sending everyone to Tangalooma Island).
I think Big Woody has a large hill / mini mountain on it, we could strip everything off that back barr a pink nipple shaped hut on top and that would be the honeymooners penthouse suite.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

Perfect! Can we please call the tit ‘The Matrimonial Mammary’?

Every saturday night we could hold a ‘Flange and Franger nudist ball’.

15 09 2010
vivisection

Where we will play everyone’s favourite Tits and Mammories! I have to insist that they bring a small towel to sit on though.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

No need for towels. We’ll glad wrap everything.

15 09 2010
Dgusten

Sorry to burst your bubble, but much of this is already done annually in Japan at the Honen Matsuri festival (aka Harvest Festival, aka Fertility Festival, aka Giant Carved From Wood Cock Paraded Through Town Festival).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H%C5%8Dnen_Matsuri

Watching the mostly reserved Japanese folk eating a banana on a stick with two marshmallows at the base and dipped in chocolate contributed to one of the most hilarious days out I’ve had in years…

15 09 2010
Shirley M

But does this Japanese wooden cock dribble semen and have a spiral staircase? Is it the centrepiece of a genital themed resort? I think not.

16 09 2010
Dgusten

Sadly (?), no it does not, Shirl.

As long as your resort features some sort of tribute to Honen Matsuri (and the Phallusarium serves banana cocks), then I say if you build it, they will come (pun very much intended).

15 09 2010
SD

In spite of forwarding this site to everyone I know, I still know some hopeful morons who answer scam emails-because you know they are the exception. They deserve everything coming to them.

I am sure the Nigerians would be happy to put some bling and Ed Hardy drawings on the leaky cock – the Big Pineapple is more old school bogan eh!

15 09 2010
Mick

Yes Good Sir, I was most offended.

But if you send me a cheque for small fund forgiveness is yous and legal follow will not action.

Prince ^%&^%&.

15 09 2010
martin

Why? They’d screw you over in a heartbeat. I say we enslave them.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

They’d TRY to screw me over, but they wouldn’t succeed. That’s why I pity them.

15 09 2010
Onespasticmooni

Guffaw, for sure.

15 09 2010
Mick

Yep, the bogan will call you every name under the sun for questioning the viability of their ‘investment’ yet call on you to help them when things go south.

One week it’s “Stop trying to pull me down with the rest of you losers!”.

Next it’s “There should be warnings about shit like this an’ stuff”.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

*insert jpeg – outrage on ACA*

15 09 2010
Mick

I watched all of this unfold with the Storm Financial debacle. I knew quite a few caught up in that.

I’m still not sure if the outrage was from the loss of money or looking like a dick.

15 09 2010
martin

So true Mick. The bogans love the banks as long as they are riding along with the corruption and making a killing out of it. If property crashes it will be interesting to see who gets the blame. I’d say it will be the banks and gen y.

17 09 2010
Bag O'Turnips

(Hi y’all, been busy the last few days…)

Not a question of if, rather than when it does.

We’ve been a bunch of lucky cünts here in the so-called lucky country, in being able to prop up the Ponzi scheme known as property investment. However, don’t count our luck for too long. When the jig is finally up, the CUBs, leveraged to the hilt on easy finance courtesy of financial deregulation, coupled with sustained low interest rates and favourable taxation laws, will be the first pins to fall.

These are the same knobjockeys who, in being seduced by the spivs of the financial and property industries, have kicked an own goal in the issue of housing prices…they want to have their cake and eat it to, bitching about the rapid ascent of the sale prices, but geez! Look at how much my house is now worth, cool, eh! Pity they’ll drag the rest of us who are simple owner-occupiers who have become by-catch in their ravenous driftnetting of the housing market.

The sooner that negative gearing tax laws are tightened, the better it is for the rest of us in the long term, in spite of the invariable pain much of will have to endure.

15 09 2010
AntiPajero

I have lost count of how many bogan traps I’ve had spruiked at me. “Work from home in your own CORPORATION!!”, Henry Kaye’s property thing, the ubiquitous “GET IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR!!” Gold Coast property things. Do I LOOK like an ordinary McMum&Dad®? LEAVE ME THE F@#! ALONE!

Then of course, there’s the Nigerian princess in distress thing, the Russian bride thing… and just recently this other thing I’m sure will be the next page in the Outrage file:
10k to buy into a fund that distributes it to experienced and educated speculators who BET IT ON THE HORSES!! Then they give you your cut.

Their get out of litigation free card: “High risk”. I don’t think they have a get out of TTACA free card, though.

15 09 2010
Mick

‘The Outrage Files’

There’s the name for the friday bash-a-boganathon.

15 09 2010
vivisection

Thankfully there are honest people out there, like this lovely woman that called me to tell me my computer had sent her company a distress signal. She wanted all of my details to help, but I explained that it was just in love with the cello player upstairs and was attention seeking. It was good of her to call though.

15 09 2010
pb

that is heartwarming, viv. great to hear about her deep levels of concern.

15 09 2010
devil's advocate

Rather than getting glassed by it’s mates, I think the more likely outcome of bogans participating in pyramid schemes (or any internet based scams) is appearing on today tonight or ACA whinging about it.

The latest one is the email from the russian woman, attaching photo etc and looking for companionship. They send money, whinge about it on ACA, solemn warning and commentary from Graeme Samuel or similar.

Alternatively, the bogan participates in that most favourite of Australian ponzi schemes, investing in residential real estate (which TBL has already done a post on). The fix-and-flip craze of spending $30k on shoddy renovations to make a 1000% maxtreme profit is back, based on the advertorials for “the block”.

Nothing really changes I guess.

15 09 2010
lol-plates

30K is alot. EEP!
I do know someone that does the renovate and sell for a second job, but one of them is a master builder and does the work himself or get people on mates rates. They do quite well for them selves.

I been told by someone in passing that commercial property is a much better investment.

Then again I am a public servant and I will never have the cash (or the sillyness to get a second mortage) to do this.

15 09 2010
devil's advocate

Actually, as a public servant, your relatively secure income, coupled with (what is on average) a higher income (and hence tax bracket), as well as vastly reduced opportunities to engage in the normal tax planning that, say, a business might engage in, as well as onerous disclosure requirements for direct investments, means that residential property investment is one of the few opportunities for tax planning available.

15 09 2010
James Hunter

lol,
There are always great business opertunities in Avon.

seems like every second bogan family sells Avon, every other one buys it.

15 09 2010
devil's advocate

Yeah but Avon is not very public-servant friendly as you can’t do it predominantly from your PC. In the days before internet filters were widely adopted, day trading used to be de rigour in the public sector.

15 09 2010
Peter

Oh, James Hunter, finally surfaces after a restful night’s sleep underneath his pyramid-canopied bed. Do you use magnets as source of cosmic energy too, Jim?

16 09 2010
Will S

Right on cue, tonight’s ACA had a story about african scammers targeting home owners

next: an anger stirring piece on asylum seekers!

16 09 2010
Mick

TBL runs alongside the real world far to often for my liking. Do they have an insider at TT/ACA?

Or is a conspiracy theory bogan?

16 09 2010
pb

well, given the regularity with which one or other show has a story on some scam or other, the likelihood that there’d be one the same week as this tbl entry was always going to be high.

16 09 2010
SD

I am disappointed. I thought they would cover tongue boy. I mean he did joke *exclusively* to No Idea!

http://au.lifestyle.yahoo.com/new-idea/news/article/-/7244470/this-week-in-new-idea/

He did appear in my favourite newspaper mX though.

16 09 2010
Mick

Law of averages I suppose. Maybe…

The next question is what the hell was Will doing watching ACA?

16 09 2010
Will S

My family watches ~both~ shows every night, so I get to see bits and pieces of it regularly!

15 09 2010
urbanreverie

I must admit that I was hitherto unaware of the existence of The Sphinx Hotel in Geelong. Ignorance was bliss.

Why the hell do councils insist on approving such eye-burning outrages? What was the professional advice of Greater Geelong City Council town planners when assessing this development?

Aaargh! This thing has “bogan hellhole frequented by middle-aged swamp donkeys wearing leopard print two sizes too small and far too much mascara” written all over it!

http://tiny.cc/affpi

However, these TripAdvisor reviews of the Sphinx are quite flattering and reassuring:

http://www.tripadvisor.com/Hotel_Review-g255350-d1138361-Reviews-The_Sphinx-Geelong_Victoria.html

15 09 2010
Shirley M

Heh. The reviews on Google are awesome.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Who would have thought a hotel called The Sphinx in Geelong would provide an underwhelming experience. The world is full of surprises. I bet if Shirl went there with her light the sheets would glow like Chernobyl.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

I could do an exposé

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Nah, leave your clothes on Shirl. A hard hitting investigative report on the other hand……

15 09 2010
Shirley M

Boom tish!

15 09 2010
pb

ooh! it can be a special movie length episode – or maybe a season ending cliffhanger! will shirley mullet have a breakdown from the sheer overwhelming horror of the sphinx hotel? will she develop repetitive strain injury testing all those stains? tune in for the stunning season finale of rusty.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

We’d need to set up a temporary lab in one of the rooms and bring in extra people to cope with the inconceivable volumes of semen.

15 09 2010
vivisection

I see temporary air-conditioned Laboratory Tents outside and a workplace psychologist and physiotherapist to help Semen Detective Shirley Mullet get through the darkest hours of the night.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

We’d need our own version of police tape. Pictures of leaky cocks, I think.

Yes, I know. Always with the leaky cocks.

15 09 2010
pb

those reviews really do sell it, don’t they?

15 09 2010
vivisection

I think it is decided, Mr Viv and I will have to stay at the Luxor in Vegas next year. It has both a Pyramid and diagonal elevators – No doubt the international bogan viewing opportunities will be sensational.

15 09 2010
Elitist Coffee Lover

As a Geelong resident who has to pass this hideous eyseore everyday on my way to work all I can say is it’s bloody awful! The actual ‘sphinx’ itself is just used as a carpark. Bogan cerntral indeed. It also contains a nightclub for old over 40’s bogans if any of you fine readers are interested.

Geelong is not as bogan as TBL thinks. The only time Melbournians come here is having to drive through the worst part of Geelong (Corio) to get to the Great Ocean Road in the summer. That makes them think Geelong is worse than it actually is.

TBL possesses considerable Geelong knowledge, courtesy of one of our writers having spent years living there. TBL

15 09 2010
Shirley M

By the way, TBL, there is a pendantry issue with today’s post. I ignored it originally so that someone else may have the pleasure of being a smarty-pants, but then I thought, ‘you snooze, you lose’.

Anyway, you’re missing a ‘do’ between the ‘to’ and the ‘with’ in your closing sentence.

15 09 2010
Steve

Do you think Jetstar are reading this and will now fly Egypt?

15 09 2010
Tone

Well, Jetstar fly to Avalon – just up the road from The Sphinx …

15 09 2010
pb

well i’m feeling sad and left out. i think i’ve only once had a former nigerian prince ask for my help with his swiss bank account, what am i doing wrong that these great business opportunities pass me by?

15 09 2010
Sten

Aw, don’t worry pb. You’re in the same boat as my good self. Mind you, circa 1988, my Dad received an actual hard-copy version of the 419 scam!

15 09 2010
James Hunter

with the buckets of semen you will have maybe an artificial imsemnation clinic?
loads of HOT lesbian chicks who want to have a child?

any semen left over sell to chinese laundry and they use to starch collars on business shirts for stuffed shirts?

15 09 2010
pb

that’s it. we’re all in hell aren’t we?: http://www.yourtv.com.au/blog.aspx?blogentryid=701752&showcomments=true

15 09 2010
SD

Ye Gods!

Also, I detest the size police but isn’t calling simple flab curves a bit much?!

15 09 2010
pb

and the meaning of the word babe has become somewhat loose and, er, flabby.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Swamp Donkey Alert, where is Tomba when you need her.

17 09 2010
Tombarina

Sydney.

And PB’s burnt offering is 173% wronger than most things on this site.

I weep for the future. Truly.

15 09 2010
Tone

At least there isn’t any gunt visible.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

The worst thing about that is that there will be fellas jerking off to that image.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Enter stage left Shirley M- Semen detective.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

We could have an interrogation scene like in The Big Lebowski. “Is this your inspiration, Larry? Is this your f*cking inspiration, Larry”?

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yep, Also I think we need to change your moniker to include Semen Detective, all class.

Or we could go the Reservoir Dogs route?

15 09 2010
Shirley M

Last time I tried to change my moniker I got stuck in moderation for ever and ever.

We will be a results driven team, and will employ any means necessary to further our investigations.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yep, once TBL have approved it all works ok though. They don’t seem to have a problem with semen.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

Still, I don’t want newcomers to think I’m some dirty pervert, obsessed with semen, leaky cocks and arses. Because as you well know, I’m totally not.

I’ll think about it.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

There is certainly nothing in your comments history to suggest that……..

Does your partner know?

15 09 2010
Shirley M

Does he know what, exactly?

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Your obsessions.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

I don’t think I’ve discussed the food for the arse initiative with him, but my leaky cock thing pervades many areas of my life, and I plan to enlighten him on the semen detective business. Plus, he is aware of other obsessions that have not come up on this forum. Yet.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I think he and I need a chat. We need to get to the bottom of this. I hope he is proud of your new job, as he should be.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

He’s always proud of me Simon. Just the other day he said ‘I’m so lucky to have a classy woman like you’.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Good man. As we have seen classy chicks are hard to find.

15 09 2010
James Hunter

Shirl,
you say your not obsessed and yet couple of comments below you refer to “other obsessions”
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

15 09 2010
Shirley M

We all have our obsessions, JH.

15 09 2010
James Hunter

Shirl,
I know, I know, but deciding which to pay attention to is such a chore

15 09 2010
Will S

Not sure that bogans would really want to go to Egypt. Its attractions are mostly of historical value. Also, they don’t like “filthy” places like Africa or India. Best to stick to Bali or New Zealand.

15 09 2010
Mick

Correct.

Hot Asian Chicks are pretty thin on the ground too. Overseas destinations must include Hot Asian Chicks.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

Maybe I’m wrong, but I interpreted the reference to the pyramids as a metaphor for bullshit investment schemes.

15 09 2010
SD

Me too.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

It’s a bit like the old days when the first 1/2 dozen comments would contain at least one bogan who completely missed the point and caused much hilarity. I am hoping Will is being ironic because he certainly should know better.

15 09 2010
SD

On a second non-pendantry reading I suppose it does kick off with the wistful bogan contemplating a Nile vacation.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

It does, but ultimately any place could be used instead of the pyramids if wistful contemplation was the only purpose of the narrative.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Do bogans wistfully contemplate. Somehow I doubt it.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

Sure they do. About having bigger guns, about their femmebogues having massiver guns….

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

About 18 y old slappers who go on talent programs then get their norks out…..

15 09 2010
Shirley M

I meant massiver cans, of course.

15 09 2010
SD

Surely the odd femme bogue must indulge in new-age contemplation. Not in the BagOT vein of life examined of course

Mick, that’s a top story. Go on. Relate.

15 09 2010
Mick

I was going to tell you lot about a bloke I know who exports treadmills to Egypt for the racing camels to train on.

I’m not game now.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Can I just say Camel Jockeys right here.

Been dying to do that all day.

15 09 2010
Mick

I’m guessing that you miss saying Powerfoxxe three times a day?

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

A bit yeh. On with the story dude.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

We had one just the other day when someone corrected TBL on Wilkie instead of Wilkins.

15 09 2010
SD

I made a rare facebook foray and well, almost all of them seem to have missed the point.

15 09 2010
Shirley M

I just checked myself. The irony value of TBLs facebook fans is off the scale.

15 09 2010
SD

I don’t think any of them bother to click through to the article. They appear to be reacting to the first few lines. Is that bogan?!

15 09 2010
Shirley M

They’re the kind of people who think that facebook IS the internet. I’m pretty sure it’s bogan. Among other things.

15 09 2010
SD

Spot on!

15 09 2010
SD

Best bit in the comments: LOL BOGANS ARE SO DUMB NOT US THOUGH LOL

16 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Thanks SD, I went to the faceplant page. Not good. One dude came up with the brilliant idea that bogans like glassing and another Ed Hardy?! Never again.

16 09 2010
Will S

If News Limited make a living from doing it, it’s probably bogan.

15 09 2010
SD

“Totes staring at an actual copy of Things Bogans Like THE BOOK. It’s as excellent as it is wonderful. And there’s a Sex Pistols vibe. Chas”

Is that like the Chaser Chas.

15 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Twill be interesting to see the writing credits. When is publish date lads?

15 09 2010
SD

If you hop on to TBL twitter feed (because you have nothing else to do), its being reviewed by Madison mag. Cosmopolitan, Madison – seem like strange habitats for TBL – or is that due to the influence of the bogan unreachable corporate lawyer cum lingerie model?

We shall fight the bogan on the beaches, we shall fight the bogan on the landing grounds, we shall fight the bogan in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight the bogan in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God’s good time, the new world, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old. TBL

15 09 2010
Will

Are pyramid schemes really exclusively a bogan thing though, or just for idiots in general?

15 09 2010
Will

Yeah, the above comment wasn’t supposed to be a reply OOPS.

15 09 2010
Pandabater

The need to hand your house over
to some stranger because he has a
snazzy advert is not exclusively bogan.

16 09 2010
devil's advocate

All the evidence i have seen indicates that pyramid schemes do tend to overwhelmingly sucker in the bogan masses. It is the same get-rich-quick mentality that is behind (for example) residential investment properties, and also the expectation of gubment bribes.

Alternatively, there may be a selection bias that affects my perceptions, in that of all the population of idiots that get suckered in by pyramid schemes/horse betting systems/ukranian brides/nigerian princes, only the truly bogan have the gall to appear on ACA and complain about the consequences (and in doing so, completely non-ironically out themselves as the village idiot).

15 09 2010
SD

Well then go forth and vanquish the bogans, they who descend like wolves on a fold; their cohorts all gleaming Ed Hardy and Pandora gold* – even though it be through Madison.

*post simply to work that in 🙂

15 09 2010
SD

duh that was directed to TBL

16 09 2010
Son of Duane

http://www.borders.com.au/book/things-bogans-like-tribal-tatts-to-reality-tv-how-to-recognise-the-twenty-first-century-bogan/12031148/

I must say, it’s very… yellow.

That was a working version of the cover – the final one features a pretty smarmy looking Richard Wilkins on the (still very yellow) cover. Ah, Richard… TBL

16 09 2010
pb

i do love the blurb.

16 09 2010
martin

So do I. Except for this bit – “much-loved Australian bogan”. Much-loved?

Is that a little trick to get bogans to buy it?

Suffice to say that the publisher had a large hand in that blurb. We do not love the bogan. TBL

16 09 2010
martin

I’ll be buying the book though. Well done TBL you should get the order of australia medal or whatever the fuck it is.

16 09 2010
SD

I can’t locate the article but the title does remind me of a delicious rant I read on the overly long subtitled titles that publishers like but readers don’t. The article had some hilarious examples.

I mean if I wasn’t a TBL addict that title would put me off instantly.

16 09 2010
devil's advocate

In other news, DA relaxed knowing that all his christmas present ideas were now covered off, and could be obtained all in one go at the same bookstore (assuming they’re not sold out).

Thanks TBL!

16 09 2010
BigPanda

Geez, at A$36.95 a hit youse’ll all be moullyinairs before Christmas….I hope you’ve ordered a huuuge print run!!!

Maybe, after the first run of 10,000 copies sell-out, you can then slip off to somewhere egzotic, like Bali for a “well earned” holiday…???

BTW, I wonder how much it will sell for on Amazon???….or Ebay???

From what we understand, the RRP is about $25, so the $36.95 on Borders’ site is a bit of a surprise. We’re not personally involved in any of the price stuff, so who knows! TBL

17 09 2010
BigPanda

OIC…Imagine the outrage….

Bogue Nouveau races into Borders, coz it’s a classy bookshop n all, so they can be first in line to get this wonderful tome, a ‘tribute’ to he n all his bogan friends…

He lays down the requisite $36.95 on the plastic, starts reading n goes, “WTF is this $hit??”….”who are these cahns??”….”fuggin poofters I bet”

It seems that Borders understand the bogan’s spending habits better than even we do! TBL

17 09 2010
Pendant

Is it really going to be a folded leporello? At 256 pages that could become a little unwieldy

16 09 2010
Phil

I started getting inundated by Nigerian emails at work 15 years ago. The stories just got better and better regading the loss of their families, children etc. I started replying with ever more unbelievable hard lcuk stories of my own – about having lost 85 of my children to the secret plice when I wnet out to the shop and could the nice Nigerian please help me. They still kept coming. In desperation I started introducing them to each other with recommendations that they may be help each other out far more easily than I could as they were in the same country. But, still they came. Eventually, I wrote a tirade of abuse about how I feared for the future of the poor people’s Republic of Nigeria and it was no wonder that they were in such dire economic straits over there with scoundrels such as these trying to rob the county blind. Silence on the email (for a while). Then, out of the blue I received a response which basicaly told me that I must be very content with my god to have ever said such things about such honest people. I still have the email trail printed out at home somewhere…

16 09 2010
James Hunter

Phil ,
sometimes if I am at a loose end I string them along for a while. couple time I recieved passport photos of them(as if) and they were a black shape which I had to tart up with the tipex to put some eyes and teeth in it. sent it back and suggested the improovements. Didnt hear back. pity.

16 09 2010
Phil

Love it.

16 09 2010
BigPanda

Sorry to sidetrack, but have a look at this….ever get that sinking feeling???

http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/that-sinking-feeling-reversal-of-fortune-dampens-drivers-day-20100916-15e6e.html

19 09 2010
chris

Ahh the Chrysler 300C, the CUB chariot of choice. Nothing screams bogan combined with stupidity and bad taste quite like these abominations.

16 09 2010
Trent

The worst kind of Bogan is one with traits of a wanna-be-gangster (as a classify them) It’s truly sad that so many fail to realise the menace to society that the Bogan has so thoroughly become.

Perhaps (stick with me now), the Bogans were the construct of an alien race, in order to weed out any capable of intelligence, so that none could successfully resist them… (just joking. That would be improbable to the extreme)

Though the sacrifices are heavy, I fight them knowing that a single spark of courage can ignite the fires of hope, and restore peace.

16 09 2010
martin

An alien race? More like the descendants of cockroaches or locusts.

The sacrifices are heavy in not acquiescing to their fuckedness, but to do so is to die and to live as the undead!

17 09 2010
Mick

Have the Ernie Awards beaten TBL to the punch?

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=7962734

18 09 2010
pb

ooh looky looky! after complaining about never getting these email scams, i got one today! hearing others’ stories of fun with responding to them i thought i’d ask people here for some suggestions. this is the email i received:

Attn:
Your contract payment that has been hold for long time has been approved to
be release via swift card (ATM CARD) your daily withdrawal is $4,000 This
will now enable you either download your payment at any ATM Machine or at
your bank. And the total contract amount we are sharing together is 12.5
Million Dollars, you are getting 40% while we get 60% If you have any
question or confused about this write me immediately so that I will direct
you properly for details, confirm your private phone
number , Full Legal Name , Home address . The Visa Card Application Form
will be
faxed or email to you as soon as we hear from you . Kindly reply here with
your details if not here i won’t be able to get your message Email here for
quick response : smailen2@aol.com

Email : smailen2@aol.com
Dr Steven Mailen
Director, Foreign Operations
ATM Card Dept

i was thinking of feigning amnesia and asking them to remind me of all the details of our agreement, but haven’t decided for sure. suggestions welcome.

18 09 2010
James Hunter

Maybe say you live in the bush and dont have any ATMs and what should you do as you dont want to miss out on the great opertunity?

When you get sick of him just send the email to Federal Police. They have ways of spoiling his day

16 10 2010
3 12 2010
Personalized Mugs

it is difficult to find some hot smokin russian wife with very good manners, most of them are just after the money ‘`’

7 01 2011
Helen

All I could think of reading this was a reference to The Sphinx in Geelong… I can’t believe there actually was one.

14 07 2011
online games

quite intriguing post

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