#173 – Police Procedurals

13 09 2010

The bogan hates following the rules. It believes that it is no respecter of something so pathetic and limiting as the “law” or “reason”. Strangely, though, even though it sees itself as a battle-hardened, street-smart wiseguy/gal, it still wants to see evildoers PAY. But only if it can vicariously wallow in the evil first, then bask in the reflected glory of the good guys pursuing megajustice. All in one hour.

Meanwhile, just as the bogan hates rules and rulebreakers, it loves franchises. When it decides that it likes a Big Mac and thick shake, or Mango Magic smoothie, it wants access to one everywhere. When it decided that it enjoyed watching police chase down bad guys and prosecute them in 43 minutes plus commercials, it wanted the ability to see it on TV at any time of the day. Thus was born Law and Order: SVU. As well as Law and Order: Criminal Intent. And CSI, CSI: New York, and CSI: Maxtreme.

The bogan needs closure. The only kind of open-ended story the bogan will even remotely tolerate is one that effectively promises that the bogan will get a sequel, but this ending will only come after rounding off any and all existing storylines. Nowhere is this more applicable than in police procedurals. Each week, the bogan can expose itself to at least ten sequels to various shows – basically the same show as last week. A person gets killed, police arrive on the scene, then spend the next thirty minutes either discussing cool words like ‘motive’ and ‘opportunity’, or awesome acronyms like ‘MO’, before catching and prosecuting the bad guy. The bogan is not aware that this is an acronym for a Latin phrase. If made aware, it will ignore the inherent intellectualism, and continue rooting for the cops to catch the crims. Meanwhile, in CSI: Maxtreme, the bogan even gets to watch attractive women wear lab suits while putting things into test tubes and beakers, while David Caruso removes and replaces his sunglasses.

Thus, the bogan feels as though everything in the world is in order, and can go home unafraid that it will be assaulted by a paedophile armed burglar. The bogan can sleep soundly, secure in the knowledge that Horatio Crane is out there, protecting bogans and their spawn everywhere.


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208 responses

13 09 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. Thankfully you didn’t mention “The Wire”.

13 09 2010
Nick Buick

Indeed – The Wire was a great series.

13 09 2010
Fiona of Balwyn

The Wire is far too intellectual for the bogan.

It requires a smart mind and a good concentration span. Neither of which the bogan is capable of.

13 09 2010
pb

and it isn’t shown on 7, 9 or 10.

13 09 2010
Fiona of Balwyn

Sheeeeeeeet indeed

13 09 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. Omar coming!

13 09 2010
James Hunter

Comming , or just breathing hard ?

13 09 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. Neither. Whistling “The Farmer in the Dell”.

13 09 2010
James Hunter

Fi ,
OK and what about the Pussy in the well ?

13 09 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. Ew, perve!

13 09 2010
James Hunter

Fi ,
We all have our strengths. ! or ?

13 09 2010
James Hunter

Fi ,
Just had a thought,(dont say a thing)
Are you going to grab a jetplane and come up fot the 23rd October gig ? I will put you on the door list if your comming

13 09 2010
Clipper

They did try it on Ch. 9 I think, but moved it around the schedule from week to week. Worked much better on ABC2

13 09 2010
Shirley M

An excellent insight into the internal contradictions of the bogan.

Has anyone seen Law & Order: Missing Letters Unit on Sesame Street? It’s fantastic.

13 09 2010
Bec

I love it.

14 09 2010
devil's advocate

My favourite L&O’s are:

Law&Order: Elevator inspector’s unit
Law&Order: Trial by jury

Jokes aside, I really enjoyed the insight into the US jury system (exaggerated though it was) in trial by jury. Although in fairness I would be a sucker for a show about jury consultants. Something about jury consultants just fascinates me – probably the fact that they have actively built a legitimate and lucrative career out of being politically incorrect. If that makes its bogan by extension, so be it.

13 09 2010
lol-plates

Bleagh! These cop shows are the worst, my wife loves SVU *sadface*. I find British police shows for more interesting, they seem to tread in places that American and Australian commercial t.v doesn’t dare to.

Who could for get Inspector Rex or Turbo?!

13 09 2010
Shirley M

Inspector Rex is the best cop show ever made. Perhaps it’s the best show ever made about anything. I’m sure we can all agree that it’s the best show about a Viennese police dog, anyway.

13 09 2010
pb

rex is fantastic. who wouldn’t love a dog that solves crimes and has stopped people falling off cliffs with his super-strong police-dog jaws?

13 09 2010
Sten

Hahaha, yeah, Rex is a great show.

I also don’t mind The Bill, but won’t go out of my way to watch it.

13 09 2010
Sten

I also found Stockinger to be quite funny, simply because of the eponymous character’s fear of dogs and general awkwardness.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

Did you ever see Stocki’s spin off show?

13 09 2010
Sten

Yeah, that’s the one to which I was referring, Shirley.

But I draw the line at Rex in Rome.

13 09 2010
Sten

That also reminds me, some of the Scandinavian shows are alright too, particularly Unit One and Kurt Wallander.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

Ahh sorry, I thought you just meant the character. Rex in Rome is a bit disappointing, but I watch it anyway because I just love Rex so much!

13 09 2010
Sten

Yeah, he’s an adorable fella, isn’t he? And I say that even though I’m not much of a dog person.

13 09 2010
SD

My great-aunt who knows not a word of English or German or Italian or any language really except Malayalam adores Rex – she used to watch it when here and then we had to send her as many DVDs as we could 🙂

13 09 2010
Sten

I only speak a little bit of German (and that’s Standard German, not the Austrian dialect), but I’m sure Rex himself is why the show is so popular.

Oh, and apparently the older birds really dig Tobias Moretti.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

Was Tobias the one that played Moser? I love Moser. It was the other guy that was more popular though – Brandtner. I think his name was Gerhard something or other.

I used to speak fluent German. I’ve forgotten most of it now, but generally I can watch Rex and ignore the subtitles and still know what’s going on.

13 09 2010
SD

Agree, Moser is ace-I thought he was more popular?

13 09 2010
Shirley M

I think Moser was the more popular character, and definitely had the closest relationship to Rex, but Brandtner had more sex appeal and was definitely more adored by the ladies (and probably the homos too). He was always taking his shirt off and stuff.

13 09 2010
Sten

Yeah, Moretti played Moser.

13 09 2010
pb

i learnt german at high school so i’d always argue that watching rex was me being extra studious. our whole class used to watch it and then discuss it the next day.

13 09 2010
lol-plates

I remember reading somewhere that CSI has spawned forensics aware criminals.
How much damage can one t.v show do?

13 09 2010
Deathsquad.

I totally dig Friday nights on ABC. Real crime shows like Silent Witness beat the shit out of the formulaic dross like CSI. And best of all…. NO ADS.

13 09 2010
Brimstone

i like Cracker

and a bit of original Law and Order, mostly ’cause i’m super-homesick

13 09 2010
James Hunter

Brimstone,
How long you been out?

14 09 2010
Brimstone

7 years

13 09 2010
JimmmyMick

Hmm. Just where does one purchase a paedophile to arm oneself with when burglaring?

13 09 2010
Fiona of Balwyn

A few years ago some English bogans (chavs as they are known) graffitied and trashed the offices of a pediatrician in Plymouth and wrote the word “peado” on her door.

13 09 2010
JimmmyMick

While I’m thinkranting about it, wtf thought that “RBT: Random Breath Testing” should get made, let alone broadcast?

Methinks ChNein’s scriptwriter was really crying for help at that point.

13 09 2010
lol-plates

I had the missfortune of watching an epsiode, I could feel my brain running out of my ears and nose. It is POINTLESS, come on what is the point to watching people count to ten and then told that they are all clear?
When Wifey turns the telly on I high tail out of its vacinity as it just crap after crap and she refuses to watch grown up news too!

13 09 2010
pb

you really need to make a stand.

13 09 2010
lol-plates

Gives me an excuse to play StarCraft competitivly.

13 09 2010
Tone

Out of all of them, the one I REALLY don’t get is Law And Order: SVU. What kind of sick freak would want to watch a show about sex offenders?

13 09 2010
lol-plates

It is one of the tamest of them all, ‘wire in the blood’ is where the money is at if you like that kind of stuff.
SVU is just another paint by numbers bland fest.

13 09 2010
Tone

I’ve never heard of Wire In The Blood. It’s probably just as well.

13 09 2010
Fiona of Balwyn

It’s pretty graphic and very far fetched but I’ve been sucked in by it many times late at night!

13 09 2010
lol-plates

Thats the best thing it doesn’t pretend to be real. It is just trash albeit well scripted and acted trash.
I liked Rebus too.

13 09 2010
James Hunter

Rebus is cool as is Taggert

13 09 2010
vivisection

Not even me.

13 09 2010
martin

Love it TBL. This is never going to end is it.

I am 1000% non bogan for this one. I can’t stand cop and lawyer shows and the small minded piety. I watched a couple of episodes of Dexter but the guy he killed was some ridiculous caricature, some drunk driver that had killed about 500 people and was constantly let go.

13 09 2010
SD

Yeah never got Dexter. Plus all the bogues in my office appear to be naming their spawn after the show.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

I quite like Dexter. It has a good balance of scary, drama and comedy.

13 09 2010
Dgusten

Yeah, Dexter is in no way a police procedural.

If for no other reason than because it’s main story lines are season-long arcs…

13 09 2010
Brimstone

Dexter is awesome
he’s a more realistic CSI guy then the guys on CSI
would love to see CSI Miami try and handle him
or a three-way CSI Miami/Dexter/Burn Notice crossover

14 09 2010
Sten

I’ve never seen Dexter, but am a huge Burn Notice fan… CSI and Burn Notice don’t even belong on the same continent.

13 09 2010
Bec

Not fair. Detective John Munch is the best damn scrapbooking instructor this side of Balboa Towers.

13 09 2010
vivisection

I enjoyed the first series of The Wire but that’s the only cop show I’ve ever watched an entire season of. It’s also the only one that wasn’t formula rubbish. I didn’t mind the series about the guy who gets knocked in the head and wakes up as a cop in the 70’s either – but I didn’t watch the second season.

I desperately miss Stingers too. Don’t panic, I made that up.

13 09 2010
Fiona of Balwyn

You didn’t continue with it?! Season 4 is my favourite, it’s insightful and heartbreaking.

You’re referring to Life on Mars, that was cool too. John Simm is a dude.

13 09 2010
vivisection

I have plans to go on with The Wire – its a time thing at the moment!

13 09 2010
SD

Life on Mars. Very Good. But only the UK one.

13 09 2010
Sten

Agreed, SD. I remember the days when everything on TV was American-made.

Now it’s just American remakes of British shows.

13 09 2010
lol-plates

There was an American ‘fly on the wall’ documentaryish police show set in one of the precincts of New York. It was great but depressing it was pretty realistic it had (I think it was fiction): detectives in rundown offices with electric type writers in 2002, understaffing, long hours of tedium when doing surveillance and beat cops dealing with petty thugs all day.

13 09 2010
Simon of South Yarra

Hill Street Blues – was awesome

and then 21 Jump Street for the ladies

13 09 2010
vivisection

Hey Shirley, A pitch for a new show to launch you into maaxtreme celebrity. You can get your new black UV light and make your own show : Random Semen Pants Testing – RSPT Brisbane. Put on a lab coat, set up a van on the side of the street and check for sparkling stains on anyone you decide has an M.O. that looks like they may be a serial rapist or slurry gal. Just harass foreigners and teenage girls and you should reach a target bogan audience (the same audience that watches border security, RBT, Worlds Strictest Parents etc). You can also have a Schoolies and Toolies Spin off: RSPT Gold Coast

13 09 2010
Bec

I would watch that…

13 09 2010
Shirley M

I love it Viv! But instead of the lab coat thing, I think I should go undercover. We could call it RUST – random undercover semen testing. The schoolies special is a fab idea. I think the title ‘Shirley Mullet: Semen Detective’, suits me very well.

13 09 2010
vivisection

Nice idea! Maybe you should dress like a trollop to lure in punters and then whip out your official badge and Black Light when they least suspect it. The Schoolies Special could be called RUSTY – Random Undercover Semen Testing Youths.
I think we need some lab action still, maybe we could have some back at the lab analysis scenes to break it up – nothing too smart though. “Meanwhile, back at the Lab….”

I will happily be back at the lab with PB – we will critique the soiled clothing carefully and make ill-informed judgments about the owner of the clothes sexual proclivities and their fashion sense. I will be a nasty bitchy queen who shares celebrity semen gossip. Kind of like “What Not To Wear” meets Richard Reid. It could only help grow the bogan audience demographic.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

We absolutely need lab action! A lab with LOADS of cool high-tech shit, even though it deals almost exclusively in semen. I’m sure they’ll be plenty of times when ownership of semen needs to be established. And freshness.

RUSTY is gold. Isn’t Rusty also a brand of surfwear?

13 09 2010
vivisection

Oh there will test tubes galore, a light spectrometer (whatever that is), the occasional background explosion as our Semen Freshness tester overloads, a lab sniffer dog and a series of mannequins wearing things like a replica of Monica Lewinsky’s dress and other stained garments showing spray patterns and the like.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

Spray pattern! You can be an expert in attributing penis size, age, height, weight, hair colour and star sign of the perpetrator, based on spray. GOLD.

13 09 2010
vivisection

And then there is the taste test….

13 09 2010
Shirley M

Oooh, I could find black light evidence of semen, but like when cops on telly find bags of white powder, they always dip their finger in and say… “cocaine”, I would say “Semen. And the perpetrator has been eating pineapples”.

13 09 2010
vivisection

“or is it asparagus, lets send this back to the lab…” Meanwhile young boguette is sobbing the DJ off her cheeks and saying “But he said he loves me…”

13 09 2010
vivisection

too which Shirley Mullet Semen Detective turns slowly to face the camera and says wisely to the young viewers at home, “There’s a difference between like and love, don’t swallow the evidence.”

13 09 2010
Shirley M

I’ll be one of those hard ass cops, but occasionally I’ll show real empathy towards these poor skanks. Like that boss guy from NCIS.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

hehehehe.

13 09 2010
vivisection

Is this a new low for us Shirley?

13 09 2010
Shirley M

Ultimately, I think semen as a subject matter is more highbrow than ‘food for the arse’, even if we are talking about tasting strangers semen samples that we find on the handkerchief sized skirts of skanks.
(How’s that alliteration!)

13 09 2010
SD

I am conflicted. There is the alarmingly detailed knowledge of “police procedurals for bogans”. On the other hand it is deconstructed wittily. So carry on!

13 09 2010
vivisection

Good alliteration, Postage Stamp Sized Skirts of Skanks would have worked nicely too.

Your point is right, I briefly forgot about the Food For The Arse project.

We are highbrow.

13 09 2010
vivisection

SD, interestingly all my knowledge of these shows comes from the ads. I guess if you added up the number of ads per week, they alone would account for at least 2 hours of police show viewing. Shirley and I became experts by osmosis.

My knowledge of semen spray patterns, tastings and related details are purely coincidental. Shirley on the other hand….

13 09 2010
Shirley M

Yes SD, most of my police procedurals knowledge comes from the ads, and the occasional one I have to sit through when I am under the same roof as my mother. I suppose I have drawn a lot of my knowledge from Inspector Rex, but that doesn’t count because it’s in a foreign language.

My knowledge of semen spray patterns is a mix of personal experience, pornographic films, anecdotes of acquaintances and lastly but most importantly, speculation.

13 09 2010
SD

@Viv, from the ads – I am very impressed!

I think Shirl is going to write the even more outre sequel to Jaivin’s Eat Me.

13 09 2010
James Hunter

Shirl,
Semen spray patterns or Dribble Signatures ?

13 09 2010
James Hunter

Rusty’s how it ends up

13 09 2010
pb

i’ve always wanted to star in a dodgy police procedural! maybe we can come up with a classification system for perpetrators based on their clothes – the bill talks about ic1 and ic2 males, we can talk about bl(bogue level)1 and bl2 etc perpetrators.

13 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I will pin the dudes and dudettes to be inspected against a wall with a broken bottle. Anyone who moves cops it.

Also the best cop/spy/investigator show is Get Smart. Certainly the most realistic.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

Yes, you can be the hard as f*ck interrogator. When all else fails, we’ll say “there’s nothing else for it. Make the call to our GaA’.

13 09 2010
vivisection

Good idea PB, Shirley Mullett Semen Detective will need codes and abbreviations to call in on her CB radio: ie Breaker Breaker – back up required – we have an SL2 with a PN, NK and BA, needs urgent AA response team

Translation : Hi There, need lab support , we have a Slurry Level 2 with a Pearl Necklace and Bad Attitude reuqiring urgent Attitude Adjustment (Beating Squad)

13 09 2010
vivisection

forgot to translate NK = No Knickers

13 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Don’t forget DJ – Dribbling Jism.

13 09 2010
pb

i’ll be the profiler – using my deep knowledge of fashion to assess the perp and victim’s mindsets based on their ed hardy shirts, tramp stamps, and diamonte g-strings. now i just need a suitable job title.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

Fashionenzic Scientific Profiler. FSP pb.

13 09 2010
James Hunter

Fashionista Sexploitation Police

13 09 2010
vivisection

“The way he avoided staining the Ed Hardy Sparkly Skull shows an Obsessive Compulsive cleanliness, fear of death, latent homosexuality and narcissistic personality, this shirt belongs to Richard Wilkins!!”

PB, maybe you could use some psychic abilities too.

We’ll have a good title for you in no time.

13 09 2010
vivisection

Nice title: FSP

13 09 2010
pb

ooh i like my title! psychic abilities i can do too – that was we can incorporate viewers of medium and ghost whisperer into our viewing audience.

13 09 2010
Twiggy Forrest

This didn’t pop up in my RSS

13 09 2010
urbanreverie

Good post, as almost always, TBL.

Putting on my serious hat here – and you can always count on me to wear my serious hat – I’ve often wondered why the hell the bogan is so damn obsessed with crime and the law. Why? Crime is boring and mundane. The law is boring and mundane.

I have just spent four days suited up in the Supreme Court, notepad on my lap, reporting on cases for a university assignment. I’d rather work as a toilet cleaner than become a lawyer or judge. Toilet cleaners have more exciting subject matter to deal with. How the hell scriptwriters and network executives can turn such tedious twaddle into the highest rating shows on TV is beyond me.

Nor is this obsession with crime among the masses a recent thing. In the 1930s newsagents were filled with cheap paperback detective novels that all followed much the same script and cost only sixpence each. Then in the early days of television you had shows like Homicide, Colombo, Dragnet, Division 4, etc.

Like I said, I don’t get it. Is it just another example of vicarious living, in which the bogan can squint and pretend that it’s a good guy trying to catch a bad guy?

13 09 2010
vivisection

I think they attribute it to Sept 11 in the United States – whenever there is general anxiety in the population these shows and their formula of baddies get caught and locked up every time, appeals to the viewer’s need for security. I guess back in the depression they faced similar insecurity and powerlessness.

13 09 2010
pb

i have heard that, and i guess on some level it makes sense. it doesn’t explain the breath testing and speeding shows, though.

13 09 2010
Mick

Perhaps someone could fly an aeroplane into the offices of the people who make such crud.

13 09 2010
Brimstone

oddly enough, the 9/11 ‘Truther’ theory was predicted by the first episode of X-Files spin-off The Lone Gunmen. Byers, Langely, and Frohicke had to stop the govt remote controlling a plane into the Twin Towers

13 09 2010
pb

i don’t know if that show ever made it here. i watched the x-files for most series, dropped out for a while in the middle but came back for the last few, but i don’t remember hearing about a spin-off. was it any good?

13 09 2010
Will S

It’s some kind of voyeurism; it’s fun watching ferals “gettin done” for DUI.

14 09 2010
devil's advocate

Also remember that, at least with the original law and order, the story lines are very, very close – painfully so, sometimes – to real events that take place in NYC. Maybe people there can relate, and this also explains why Australia’s nearest analogues are based on DUI offences.

14 09 2010
pb

if these shows are meant to parallel actual cases, does that mean we can look forward to csi gold coast: glassing unit/

15 09 2010
devil's advocate

Yep, and CSI: PUS (Public Urination Strikeforce).

[insert unfortunate acronym relating to domestic violencing]

13 09 2010
Tombarina

Nothing cures the average bogue – or human – of an arcane interest in courtroom drama than actually having to sit through it.

It’s long. It’s painfully boring. And, on occasion, it’s heartbreaking. I sat through countless hours of court as a baby journo, and it was generally utterly unedifying.

However, a bogan colleague was recently all agog when called up for jury duty. When tour of duty ended, bogan complained that boring people talked for HOURS about science’n’$ht and NOT ONE PERSON cried or shouted and there were no spontaneous confessions or droll exchanges between the judge and the “counsellors”.

Bogan was appalled to learn that trials are not wrapped up in 11 minutes of high drama. Bogan has “lost faith” in the justice system.

13 09 2010
Mick

Oh Oh Oh…I’m just home from the courthouse. I’m off to play golf now but if I had time I could regale you with bogans a’plenty stories.

And that’s just the jurors.

13 09 2010
vivisection

The problem is that the courts don’t have sponsored ad breaks to help the bogan brain catchup, find out what it needs and help it live properly. And they call it justice.

And I must confess that I was briefly obsessed with Sargent Megan De Wynne on the police reality show in Melbourne – I suspect she is a honking lesbian. She drives around and she gives lippy hoon bogans grief. The rest of the show is crap, but Sargent Megan DeWynne is cool.

13 09 2010
Mick

‘A honking lesbian’

May I steal that, kind sir?

13 09 2010
vivisection

Take it, its yours, use it nicely or not at all.

13 09 2010
Mick

I’ll share it with my German lesbian friend who i suspect is an Inspector Rex fan

13 09 2010
Tombarina

I chanced upon Sgt Megan one evening and, although I was sitting on the couch and not drinking alcohol, I still felt vaguely guilty. She has the same effect on me as Lee Lin Chin – that of fear.

And Mick, I’ve been waiting on your jury duty assessment. I’ve mentally tagged it Legally Bogue: Half-Ar$ed and Fully Ripped.

13 09 2010
vivisection

I know a few paramedics and fire people who work in the north west suburbs of Melbourne – Sgt Megan De Wynns territory. I’ve begged them to get me an autograph next time they see her at a car accident. So far no one has come through with the goods. Sure its a bit awkward having to work the jaws of life and get an autograph, but these people should be able to multitask.

13 09 2010
Tombarina

I agree. It’s scandalous that such a simple request should go unheeded. “Emergency” personnel? Puhleeezze….

Of course, you could give up work, buy yourself a police scanner, find out what shifts she works and simply turn up at every prang in Meganland until you meet her. That’s not the same as stalking. Is it?

13 09 2010
vivisection

Not if you really care. And I care.

13 09 2010
brad

Not that i like too name drop,but i went too high school with her in melbournes outer east,she has a twin brother that looks exactly like her and an older brother who was an officer but is now deceased(car accident while on duty),she comes from a good family,and i always crack up when i see that show,because i still see a cheaky yr 8 handing out tickets.(oh yeh viv she is-no surprise there)

13 09 2010
Fiona of Balwyn

For incredibly pompous but justified reasons I refuse to watch all those reality shows so I had to look up Sgt Wynne… I dare say she is a ‘honking lesbian’.

Lesbian or not she gives bogans grief and in my book that makes her a star!

13 09 2010
vivisection

She has a Facebook Fan Page – Brilliant !!- my fav. comment :

“I think we need 60 minutes to do a story on Megan. She is just so down to earth. Would love to see her for a whole 20 minute story.”

So true.

13 09 2010
pb

did jury duty a few years ago – it was quite entertaining. my fellow jurors were all pretty normal and friendly, the guy on trial was your quintessential bogue with massive cans. and incredibly stupid to boot. listening to the testimony did get quite dull, so i drew lots of pictures in my notebook.

13 09 2010
Chairman Miaow

Did mine some time ago too. Depressing really because in the main they are just very stupid, stupid, stupid people who basically gave themselves up with completely moronic behaviour. Finding my sad little dope guilty was like shooting a puppy in a barrel. Too easy and too hard.

13 09 2010
martin

I tried watching Rumpole of the Bailey last night. I lasted about 20 minutes. Leo McKern was cool but being bombarded with the excrutiating minutiae of the case left me for dead.

13 09 2010
Tombarina

TBL, you’ve missed the opportunity to righteously flog another, possibly more irritating and deserving, group of bogues…the quasi-literate who reads Patricia Cornwall tomes, and is therefore an expert on cause of death (sorry: COD), time-since-death intervals, decomp (See? Lingo!), SOP, et al.

These are usually single middle-aged femmebogues with multiple cats and a tendency towards sticking “Magic Happens!” stickers on their cars. I maintain they qualify as bogan by virtue of an inability to distinguish between fantasy and reality, and a short attention span.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

I recently unloaded a pile of Cornwall’s at my local op shop. They were given to me by a lady I used to work with. She said ‘I noticed you like to read, so you are going to LOVE these!’. They were in good nick, so I tried to give them away to people I know but not one person wanted to take them off my hands.

13 09 2010
vivisection

I know one of these PC Magic Happens types types – I was thinking of buying her one of these: But she might get offended.

http://www.neatoshop.com/product/Im-Savin-Up-for-a-Unicorn

Click on the image that shows the side of the tin and have a read.

13 09 2010
pb

love the manufacturer’s notice.

13 09 2010
pb

even better: http://www.neatoshop.com/product/Im-Savin-Up-for-Some-Good-Weed the side panel for the savin’ up for good weed moneybox.

13 09 2010
Chairman Miaow

What happens when you pull the rip cord?

13 09 2010
lol-plates

COD as in Call of Duty?

13 09 2010
Doctor G

I have a collective name for all of these shows because as you say TBL, they are ALL the same. NCSIVU: ABCS (Another Bloody Cop Show).

This genre includes NCIS, Lie to Me, Criminal Minds, City Homicide…the list is seemingly endless.

Mrs G loves these shows and I can understand their appeal in limited doses. You can watch a single episode in isolation without having to think too much. But 25 of them, that is ridiculous.

The Wire and Dexter (for example, I’m sure there are more I can’t think of right now) are different, because they are not nicely rounded up in 43 minutes plus commercials. They build a story arc over the course of a season and require a bit of commitment to follow (esp. on commercial TV), allowing the writers and producers to develop a more complex story than the formulaic methods of NCSIVU: ABCS

13 09 2010
martin

What about the Australian ones. They seem to have made about 5 new ones in the past year. There’s a new one with the bogan darling watzername from Home and Away. She’s so respectable now because she’s hot but not really and not just another twat of home and away.

They should make seperate suburbs for people that watch them and never let them out.

13 09 2010
martin

Haha. If you can spend 20 years being a twat on some lame soapie you’re not a twat anymore.

13 09 2010
Mandi

I’m surprised nobody has mentioned the new channel nine show ‘Cops, local area command’. It has that girl who used to be on Home and Away in it, so I’m sure it will be a hit (cough cough).
I watched the first series of East/West 101 and it was pretty good, I think there was a second series but I missed it.

13 09 2010
vivisection

Oh God, the Australian efforts are always the most cringe worthy aren’t they. Is it Sally from H&A? – she needs a new vehicle to use her mad acting skillz in for the next 25 years.

13 09 2010
SD

The Chk Chk girl has also got herself a scamming gig.

http://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/tv-and-radio/nine-hopes-new-show-will-chkchk-boom-20100911-1561b.html

Off topic but did anyone watch Junior MC? Was it both admirably smart kids and facepalm cringing like those spelling bee things?

13 09 2010
vivisection

I watched about 10 minutes of it, and after every other child was called Isabella I realised there was nothing in it for me. Especially when they are whipping up poached eggs on smashed potato while stove mums looked on. There was only one Tayla while I was watching, and not even an H in her name, or an apostrope. Boring.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

There was a Dakota. Or Dakhotah, perhaps.

13 09 2010
vivisection

I opted to watch Seed Of Chucky instead – This weekend I was on a mission to watch all of the Childs Play films while eating as a much seafood as I could stuff into my face while Mr Viv is in Perth on a holiday. He doesn’t appreciate crap horror and seafood like I do.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

What’s not to like about crap horror and seafood?

I have a valentine’s day tradition of watching as many horror films as I can fit in to the day, usually revisiting my most loved.

13 09 2010
vivisection

Not only did I watch all 5 Childs Play films, but also my favourite Danish Dwarfsploitation flick, “The Sinful Dwarf” and “Castle Freak”. I also chewed my way through a kilo of barramundi, 500grms prawns, 1 kg mussells and 1/2 kilo of scallops.
I was like greedy white trash. Only neater.

13 09 2010
Sten

For f*ck’s sake, can’t that horrible skank just trip over on the stairs or something?

Trust Nein to enter into such a Bogue-tastic association.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

I’m pleased I now know what LAC stands for, but I’ll continue to interpret it as a LAC of depth, talent and entertainment value, if that’s ok with everyone.

13 09 2010
amr

COPS LAC….lame Australian crap

13 09 2010
James Hunter

Murder Call is a nice Aussie cop show ? and Da Vinci Code although not local .

13 09 2010
Brimstone

you guys barely have any crime!

13 09 2010
Chairman Miaow

Ooh look, tramp stamps and thigh tatts, aussie flag bikini, forward facing mullet, and no idea about politics … it’s a, hang on, a … oh yes. BOGAN

http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/people/pms-stepdaughter-poses-in-bra-20100913-1577x.html

Dad must be so proud.

13 09 2010
urbanreverie

@Miaow

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Thanks, that’s my self-righteous disgust quota for the week filled already!

13 09 2010
vivisection

I’m so outraged, I don’t know where to begin. Firstly, that monster thigh rose should have been on her tit tat. Secondly, Oh god, i’m lost in my outrage – everything is next. everything.

13 09 2010
James Hunter

Viv,
non the lessI would I rather find her shoes under my bed then Jewlery Hickup.
Also ,realy the tatts are not too bad realy. But then I do think tatts on a spunk look hot.

13 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Punk hair stylist. She would not know punk if it came and gouged out her tatt’s sans anesthetic. I bet she idolizes P!nk. Just another slapper looking for a quick buck. Where the f*ck is my stubby.

How’s that for outrage Viv?

13 09 2010
Sten

Yep, she’s hideous alright.

13 09 2010
Mandi

she’s not the PM’s step daughter if she and her partner aren’t married. But so much for wanting the media to respect her privacy.

13 09 2010
pb

and she apparently didn’t have all that much contact with her father growing up, so there’s even less connection.

13 09 2010
Mick

The media doesn’t need connections. All they require is tits and outrage.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

Tits and Outrage is an absolutely brilliant name for a band. Mind if I steal it?

13 09 2010
Mick

Be my guest.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

I’ll give you free tickets to my first stadium show.

13 09 2010
Mick

I’ll need a tour tshirt. Tits and Outrage is a designers dream.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

For sure. I may be jumping the gun, but I’m thinking of ideas right now. Maybe a topless chick holding a broken stubbie.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

I might call the tour the Bogan Slogan tour.

13 09 2010
Mick

Breasts of Vengence regional tour

24 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

No Shirl – a topless chick glassing another topless chick.

13 09 2010
Tone

From those pics, I can’t tell if she’s pre-op or post-op.

13 09 2010
Tombarina

Swamp.
Donkey.

The End.

13 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I bet she swills Jacks and Coke like Fevola loose at a complimentary bar.

13 09 2010
martin

She’s a bogan/lesbian/libtard combo. Try to please everyone, you please no one.

13 09 2010
James Hunter

Martin,
She may also just be pleasing herself

13 09 2010
martin

Yes. Well good for her. We can have libtard and bogan politics. After all Gillard won. Which completely contradicts what I said. She’s kind of an icon for the new paradigm. Empty symbolic gestures towards the bogans and I guess empty symbolic gestures towards the libtards for the most part. But it’s still early days so we’ll see.

13 09 2010
James Hunter

Very good TBL but “please explain” what kind of burgular arms himself with a peadophile ?

13 09 2010
Wot, Caaaarnt?

Ha, indeed! Was actually going to suggest this topic as something Bogans Like, but you’ve beaten me to it. And awesomely so.

Something that always makes me laugh about these shows — when I have the bad luck to be exposed to them at friends’ places, that is. You wouldn’t catch me dead with that tripe on MY personal idiot box, cripes no. But yeah, the amusing thing I’m talking about is the way that no one on the show being questioned at their place of work, or in their homes or wherever, by the cops, can, for chrissakes, stop what they’re doing and just sit and answer the detectives without their attention totally diverted by whatever. Ever notice that? In real life, despite the unsavoury and impolite ways inherent in humanity, I’m pretty certain that when coppers come knocking with their queries, most folks are more yielding to them than the ones who populate those crap shows.

14 09 2010
devil's advocate

That’s a pretty sophisticated insight into these shows for someone that claims to only watch them at friend’s houses.

13 09 2010
Trent

Yes, I was beginning to wonder when TBL would write about these monstrous programs. I have to mainly stick to ABC (for documentaries) and SBS (for documentaries). I have found that approximately 70% of channels 7, 9 and 10 consist of awful police shows that make me want to wretch.
The only time I watch other channels is for the occasional movie (Star Wars, Star Trek). I used to watch channel 72 for Stargate Atlantis, which unfortunately ended a few months ago 😦

Sometimes I wonder how the Bogans evolved from humans. Perhaps there was a horrific radioactive accident which altered their DNA………

13 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Re Caruso,

How come the only good bloodnuts on TV are femme sidekicks on Scifi shows?

13 09 2010
Mick

*sigh*

Amy

*Bigger, longer sigh*

13 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yep, and Scully. Watching Xfiles on DVD at the moment.

14 09 2010
Sten

Funny, that. Me too, Simon. Where are you up to?

I was going to mention the X-Files before, but it’s not really Police Procedural, and is probably waaaay too intellectual for the Bogan.

14 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Sten,

Onto season 3 currently. I missed it back in the day so quite enjoying.

14 09 2010
Sten

I know what you mean, Simon. I didn’t watch it when it was all the rage, but I enjoy it now… am currently half-way through Season Four.

14 09 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. Only a bogan would call the X-Files “intellectual”.

14 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

That may be true but Sten has a point in that it would be way over the head of bogans. It’s not Dostoyevsky but then not much is.

14 09 2010
Sten

Exactly.

14 09 2010
James Hunter

Sten,Simon and Fiona,
lets not forget that all of lifes pleasures are in the eye of the beholder.Be it TV,theatre,music,food wine beauty,art or sex.”One mans love …. “

14 09 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. Ew, I don’t want your man love!

14 09 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
I know not that I offered.?

14 09 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. Thankfully.

14 09 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
You see ! We do agree on some things !!

13 09 2010
brad

i cant beleive no-one has mentioned “The Shield”

13 09 2010
Guinea Pig

Someone mentioned Danish crime shows, which are pretty good as they actually develop characters.

Did anyone watch ‘the Eagle’? Multi Euro locations, multi-lingual and even the unit’s chief, who sounded like a female Jabba the Hut, got some action with a Serbian MP who got assassinated. Hallgrim was brilliant!

14 09 2010
Sten

That would’ve been me. And yes, GP, I quite forgot The Eagle.

13 09 2010
SD

I just remembered that possibly the only police show I ever regularly watched was Prime Suspect in which Helen Mirren was stupendous.

And talking of the Danes and women detectives I don’t mind an odd helping of Anna Pihl (SBS)

13 09 2010
Mick

So this morning I toddled off to the Courthouse to do my bit for the judicial system. Not real keen but still better than sitting in the dock.

I walked into the juror’s room to be met by 50 pairs of eyes and quickly dismissed as being of unimportance and possibly aboriginal so best not to stare(this is Nth Qld). Their eyes all returned to the giant plasma on the front wall where what was showing? Yep, morning television. I’ve hit the mother lode. Luckily I had brought a book with me so I scurried off to the back row and buried my head in it…something that a few bogues thought and announced quite loudly was a great idea and next time they would do the same and “tell me, what are you reading?”

Then a femmebogue appeared. Squealed with delight when she spotted a friend. “What are you doing here?”
“Jury Duty.”
“Really? Me too!” and then stared at a young girl until she gave up her seat so the bogues could sit together.

It didn’t get much deeper than that. Definitely louder but not deeper. But today I noticed something. With the morning television on all of the bogues sort of became one big Sunrise. Except for the voices. Remember how the Cheschire Cat disappeared except for his grin? Well, with the bogue they all meld into one but the voice remains. And grinds.

13 09 2010
Mick

Next was the Experienced Bogan Juror.

There he was in his ‘Cheap’n’Nasty Homes’ business shirt and 47 different phones and giving the air of “Hey, I could make 400 gazillion dollars between breakfast and my lunchtime rub’n’tug if I wasn’t here”. He’d done this so many times he could conduct a trial himself, he reckoned.

Until it came time for jury selection. All of the newbies were confused and accepted that the loudest bogan knew best so gravitated to him. He had all sort of questions whispered at him and he got angrier and angrier as even the newbies realised he knew nothing.

It was fun watching him walk out and everyone dodging him.

13 09 2010
Shirley M

I just threatened to glass my partner.

I come here too much.

13 09 2010
pb

news just in – woman who’s gotten vicarious fame by opening her legs to any footballer she sees doesn’t like being called a slut: http://news.ninemsn.com.au/entertainment/860740/nrl-cougar-sues-station-for-slut-slur

13 09 2010
Shirley M

“Youse are all sluts, for callin’ us a slut. Ya sluts!”

13 09 2010
Onemickirooni

“Procedurals”

There’s a name for them now? pmsl :p-)

14 09 2010
James Hunter

That anything like epidurals?

14 09 2010
Sibyl Ince

They’re both numbing, so yeah, I guess.

14 09 2010
James Hunter

Yea, the Ed Harvey chain has been put into Liquidation. almost enough to think there is a god.

14 09 2010
The Quote Train

I fear whats next…

14 09 2010
James Hunter

Possibly a chain of stores titled “Mary McKillop Souvenirs”

15 09 2010
Sten

I don’t care, as long as I get another religion-based Public Holiday to abuse.

14 09 2010
Andrew

Bring back Homicide!
What do you think (pause) Alwyn Kurts (sneaky pause) would make (sideways glance pause) of (thoughtful pause) Horatio?

1 06 2011
franz chong

garbage in a can that is what crime shows are.How does NCIS justify it’s existence up against feel good TV like Winners and Losers/Packed to the Rafters and Parenthood and whatever the ABC serves up at the same hour of night.just watching the promos makes me cringe

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