Finally, it is done.
After months of both parties attempting to deny the need for bogan bribes, the parliamentary deadlock required phenomenal amounts of Independent MP bribes instead. After a stupefyingly lengthy press conference, Rob Oakeshott finally windbagged his way to announcing support for a Gillard Government on Tuesday afternoon.
So how did they get the verbose one to direct his clichés and his support towards the “red team”? Here’s a quick rundown of the Independent MP bribes that have flung at Katter, Windsor, and Oakeshott; collectively known as the WindOtter.
After tossing ten billion dollars at regional Australia, which hereafter is restricted to the area between Port Macquarie and Tamworth, and offering to reupholster Tasmania, the newly-minted minority government managed to dig up funds for bribes which prior to election day were not forthcoming for bogans. Bogans living in western Sydney must now wait another three years before receiving their triennial influx of election funding.
So, after months of faux-austerity, and weeks of surprise largesse, what has the bogan taught us about Australia over the course of election 2010?
The bogan will loudly voice its displeasure at both major parties (most likely due to the marked absence of major bribes), cast an informal vote, then loudly voice its displeasure that one major party or the other fails to form government, leaving them in the hands of ‘unelected’ independents. The bogan only considers politicians legitimate if they voted directly for them. The bogan believes in democracy only insofar as the side it prefers wins.
The bogan will complain on election day that it has to trudge down to the local primary school to exercise the democratic duty that millions throughout history have fought and died for. It will then ravenously and happily eat a sausage, before complaining again that it is still hungover and is going to donkey vote. Having professed such distaste for democratic processes, it then learns that government is not formed, and insists on another election. The bogan, like its inability to handle tied sporting events, or films with ambiguous endings, is ill-equipped to wait for more than three days before demanding any unresolved event be repeated.
The election period has also reinforced the long-held TBL view that while the bogan will take any opportunity to loudly yowl about the state of Australia, its decision-making is ultimately a product of pure, unadulterated self-interest. Unless the bogan is lunging greedily towards a big, juicy bogan bribe, the bogan voting bloc is about as difficult to organise as a herd of kangaroos.
But for once, the Bogan has not gotten its way. Finally, following the endless weeks of boring, interminable speculation of politicians and TV pundits, with nary a redhead or speedos joke to tickle the bogan’s lol-valve, the bogan has developed democracy fatigue, and switched off entirely from the process. The independents are surely aware of this, and will have to wait for their moment before stabbing Gillard in the back. This will probably be after the next series of Masterchef has thoroughly cleansed the bogan’s collective memory of this dark and traumatic period of nothingness.
Now that the WindOtter has selected our Prime Minister, we here at TBL feel that we can hang up our Bogan Bribe Watching binoculars, and can return to cataloguing the bogan’s various ineptitudes and illogics. This means we’re short a regular Friday special. Does anyone have a suggestion as to what we should be reporting on at the end of each week? Whack them in the comments.