Bogan Bribe Watch – September 3rd

3 09 2010

Where Were These Bribes When the Bogan Needed Them?

The bogan now knows where all its hard-earned bribes went. To Richard Wilkins. The bogan wants them back. Wilkins’ new $340 million Hobart hospital, presumably with an expanded plastic surgery and tooth whitening ward, does not appear to be for the bogan. . Not since the cancellation of the Easternats has the bogan been more likely to riot. After years of believing Tasmania was only a target for hilarious gay and incest jokes, the bogan has spent the week feeling angry and impotent. It is not used to decisions of national significance being made without being sweetened with bribes for the bogan. It would be unwise at this point in time to suggest to the bogan that it could consider hardening up, and suggestions that the bogan contributed to the situation through its confusing-to-everyone-but-the-bogan twin demands of more bribes and lower government debt are also thought to be exceptionally risky. Ordinary Australians are strongly urged to hoard canned goods and seek shelter as far away as possible from items made of glass.

The bogan is also furious that after months of being told that the government was intending to live in a manner of frugality that the bogan itself was in no way beholden to, suddenly Tony Abbott was offering Wilkins one billion dollars ($1,000,000,000) to build a hospital in Tasmania. Tasmanian bogans are furious that Wilkins turned it down for $340,000,000 to fix a hospital in Tasmania. All thoughts of fiscal austerity and the primacy of surpluses out the window, this $660,000,000 shortfall is perplexing to the point of insanity to the bogan. Surely a one billion dollar hospital is 194% better than a 340 million dollar hospital?!

Moreover, the bogan is thrice-furious at Wilkins’ efforts to restrict the bogan’s ability to win mad cash at the pokies. The bogan, technological auteur, odds-making savant, wizard of inanimate gambling machines that it is, just knows that it has a max win just around the corner. No longer, as Wilkins’ efforts to limit the max bet on pokies to one paltry dollar, hence limiting the bogans max winnings.

“Why, oh why?” cried the flummoxed bogan, staring mournfully into the cold, government-free night. “Why must I be subject to the whims of people I didn’t vote for? I didn’t elect Bob Katter like I didn’t elect Julia Gillard! This is fucked!” And now, the bribes that were not forthcoming during the campaign suddenly rush forth like a biblical flood into fixing the dollar for Bob Katter, the removal of party politics for Rob Oakeshott, getting gays married for Adam Bandt and subsidising Tasmania for Wilkins. The bogan voted for none of these things, and weeps. Then prepares to storm the beaches of Wineglass bay. The bogan wants its bribes back.


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49 responses

3 09 2010
MarkD

Wilkins is just using the hospital as a front to funnel eleventy million dollars to celebs in hollywood for exclusive cash for comment on breaky tv.

3 09 2010
Gorey

That Richard Wilkins! What a scoundrel.

3 09 2010
Matt

It’s not often I agree with John Howard, but the recent confusion (bogan and otherwise) about who votes for who and how governments and prime ministers are commissioned seems to indicate a need for better civics education. And not only in schools.

3 09 2010
karina

* Wilkie. Bogan error.

For the record, we laughed heartily at this. TBL

3 09 2010
Shirley M

Bah! The only thing I love more than a TBL post is some clown shoes who doesn’t get the joke.

By your logic, you should also have pointed out that his first name is *Andrew.

3 09 2010
Shirley M

I accidentally clicked submit before I added:

You’ve made my effing day.

3 09 2010
James Hunter

Shirl,
Mark D didnt even realise that the real reaso for tall the cash to Tassie is because Film Corp Tassie have done a deal to pay Hoages Tax in return for Hoages serialising his con tre temps with the ATO.
All shot in Tassie , shots of Hoages on the farm, in the casino (where the pokies limit is irrelevant) and banging Mrs Hoages with his hat on backwards.
?

3 09 2010
Antosha

Greetings all. I am back from my 2 week sojourn in The Reich. Whilst in Austria I looked for some of their famous cabbage – but alas I was disappointed… their cabbage was not as nearly as delicious as a previous poster had led me to believe.

Now… has my nation of citizenship found a leader yet?

5 09 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Welcome Back Antosha!!

5 09 2010
The Stranger

You knew someone would fall into your trap.

The Wilkins/Wilkie joke startled me at first, but I didn’t laugh heartily at it.

Nor did I join in the look-I-get-it-too laughter that followed.

See #27 – Rove.

Now cue the cheer squad.

3 09 2010
AlyssaKT

Hahahaha – best of all Bribe Watch articles!
Imagine if all those turkeys hadn’t taken Latham’s ridiculous advice and we actually had a government now, we would have missed out on this gold from TBL 😀

3 09 2010
chris

A bit off-topic but these sad specimens are well overdue for a bit of TBL love:
http://www.news.com.au/national/father-who-took-out-alp-mp-jon-sullivan-recants/story-e6frfkvr-1225913604309

3 09 2010
Tombarina

Oh, super.

Kid’s clearly a little turd, sister’s a sweet-faced chubby-to-be, hambeast of a mother looks like she’s had a heavy day on the cone and dad has a very tenous concept of truth.

Thanks, Victoria, for exporting your unemployable and undisciplined swamp-donkeys. That’s just beaut.

5 09 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Your Welcome Tomba!

5 09 2010
chris

Good call, Tombie and eloquence personified. I can’t bring myself to hate the poor little tyke too much; my diagnosis: some designer-label strain of ADHD brought on by the red jelly snakes and maxxtreme cans of V he’s had for breakfast for the past five of his six wretched years.

5 09 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

“I want everyone to understand that what I said was not what I meant to say,” he said yesterday.

Read more: http://www.news.com.au/national/father-who-took-out-alp-mp-jon-sullivan-recants/story-e6frfkvr-1225913604309#ixzz0ycfBx6Kf

FFS… BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Ever thought of shutting up!? LOL

3 09 2010
pb

i love the photo caption.

3 09 2010
Shirley M

Too funny. Thanks chaps.

3 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Reporting live from Koh Samui -Tall frosted glass of Singa close at hand

Well bogans in Asia?

They don’t go to Singapore anyway, they change planes and fly on to Bangcock so they can buy drugs and f*ck a ladyboy. Except one poor Ed Hardy clad who was looking lost. Had curry at little India (great coincidence for previous post). The wife and I had a Tandoor tasting plate so got a bit of everything but fairly suptle spice. My sister ordered Spiced Mint Chicken, the sauce appeared to be made entirely from dried scud chilles, maxxtreme!!! Lots of conspicous consumption in Singapore. We got back to our hotel the first night by remembering the following directions. Turn left at the Ferrari, go past the Aston and 3 Bentley’s to the Lamborghini and turn right etc. I love me a good supercar so great fun.

The Raffles long bar however is bogan. You can’t get into the proper hotel bit, probably where Fi stays with The Colonel and Mater on her way to Europe, which looks great. But they will let anyone into the long bar so they can charge you $25 for a Singapore Sling which you drink wishing you had ordered a beer instead coz it would taste much better.

Koh Samui is not quite the bogan mecca that Phuket is (I guess the name is not rude enough) but there are still some here, mostly Eupopean though. Anyway when arriving in country the bogue will rent a scooter and a girl to sit on the back. Not sure how much this costs (you know renting a hot asian chick for anal) but there is plenty of it going on. Also glamour photography. We hiked up to a waterfall and there was a young bogan taking boobs out photos of his hot asian chick. He got quite a shock when we emerged from the rainforest, probably getting ready for a fingerbang hey Viv, or that thing with the hotdog? Oh dinner music last night was Kenny G and Michael Bolton?!

Anyway must go. See if you can spot the spelling mistakes, I have cunningly hid several in there.

3 09 2010
vivisection

Don’t forget to purchase a Singha singlet to wear out on the town and on special occasions. Have fun looking at the bogues of the world.

3 09 2010
Shirley M

On that note, don’t bring me back any Singha clothing as my souvenir. I already have 2 t-shirts.

3 09 2010
Shirley M

Nice to hear from you Simon, and also nice to know you are continuing your vigilance against the bogan threat even whilst holidaying.

I did spot a couple of spelling mistakes, but I won’t point them out because I don’t want to spoil the party for the pendants.

3 09 2010
Benny Hill
3 09 2010
James Hunter

simon,
Better by far at some of the halfway decent eateries and watering holes down by the waterfront ? They dont attract boages either which is the real bonus.

3 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

JH,

Had a meal at the waterfront after visiting the Raffles.

Have no fear, Singa singlets for everyone. They are in the post. I did a deal with a dude on a street corner who wanted to sell me ganga? Anyway I’m sure he is trustworthy, any one who misses out address your complaint to Ray in Koh Samui and let him know you missed out on the order from Mr Simon, ok.

5 09 2010
Peter

Oh, James Hunter, not Armidale’s waterfront…

3 09 2010
Antosha

I am jealous! SE Asia is the best part of the world.

4 09 2010
urbanreverie

Simon,

If you’re stopping over in Singapore on your way home and want to do a bit of bogan spotting so you too can feel the acute sense of disgust I felt at the demeanour of my compatriots, I highly recommend the Changi Chapel & POW Museum on Upper Changi Road East. You can also see some scattered on Sentosa Island. Believe me, quite a few oz-bogans visit Singapore – you were probably just not in the right places!

Raffles, I didn’t enter. I was only wearing a t-shirt, shorts and hiking shoes at the time and didn’t think I’d meet the dress code, so I didn’t even try. I didn’t see any bogans, but I did meet two con men who tried to scam me on the footpath outside, including one who demanded I give him $50 after he “proved” that he was psychic!

Like you, I was also amazed at the number of luxury cars on the road, considering that only 1/3 of Singaporeans own a car and registration, tolls (even some streets are tolled) and vehicle taxes are ridiculously expensive. Did you ever go on an expressway? More dangerously exhilirating than any ride a Gold Coast 3-Park Superpass can offer!

I agree, the food is to die for. I ate like a king for pennies – I particularly loved chicken mee goreng and char kway teow. There are all these laksa joints in Tanjong Katong – they’re a bit harder to get to by public transport, being well away from the Mass Rapid Transit stations, but it’s well worth the inconvenience! The food stalls marked “Indian Muslim Food” are awesome as well. One thing about Singapore food – the servings weren’t particularly large, but one course always left me feeling full, unlike the crap served up in our fast “food” restaurants where you can eat a Super Maxxtreme Burger with Ultra Large Chips & Coke and still feel unsatisfied.

Singapore – It might be a fascist sh!thole, but at least they know how to throw on a feed!

Enjoy the rest of your trip!

6 09 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Thanks Urban,

You would have been welcome in the Raffles, they don’t seen to care as long as you shell out big time for the drinks. Still it’s sort of one of those things you need to do just once. My wife loves the chance to dress up so we were fairly overdressed compared to the crowd but it’s all good fun.

3 09 2010
Tombarina

Kudos, TBL – but only in limited quantities. This is too near the truth to risk unbridled thigh-slapping.

Overheard in this morning’s coffee queue: “If this drags on much longer, it’ll interfere with the start of the cricket season.”

WTF?!?!

3 09 2010
pb

weren’t you aware, tomba, voting season and cricket season must never meet.

3 09 2010
SD

Duh my comment got swallowed.

3 09 2010
SD

Anyway it was to Simon – enjoy your vacation!

3 09 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

Point of order for the gentlemen (I assume they are men) at TBL. Having marked literally hundreds of undergraduate papers written by bogans, I can assure you that they do not realise that one billion is one thousand million, and almost always assume it is one hundred million. Sometimes they make this mistake all the way into their Honours year, when we permit them to get that far.

3 09 2010
Shirley M

Pfft. Who cares. All you need to know is that one billion is c*ntloads.

3 09 2010
James Hunter

Shirl,,
How many C$ntloads to a Trillion $ ?

Immagine at the casino and there is Hoages betting three and a half C$ntloads on a hand of poker ? Probably Warnie or Jamie Packer would “See you and raise you another C$ntful” ??

7 09 2010
common man

@shirl?? Anyone in economics or finance

3 09 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I wonder if the Richard Wilkins Hospital in Hobart will feature the Collette Dinnigan Maternity Wing?

3 09 2010
Jay

Bwhahaha – very nice 😀

3 09 2010
James Hunter

BOT,
“Richard Wilkins Memorial Hospital”
Thank you.

5 09 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@Turnips

**Round of Applause**

3 09 2010
Coffeesnob

Why do I get mental images of a Dr Evil style character demanding “One..Billion..Dollars! Mwauahahaha!”?

4 09 2010
urbanreverie

I wonder how many older bogans in Sydney thought that the former weatherman on TCN-9’s evening news is the new Independent MP for Denison?

4 09 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Richard Wilkins is an independent indeed-a-roony! Independent of taste, talent, intellect, wit, consideration, all that burdensome sh¡t you don’t really need if you wanna be a wannabe famous for being famous for being famous.

Some of the bogues may twig that he hails indeed from a cool, lush island, but unsure if it’s the Shaky Isles, or is it Taswegia, now he’s in parliament, voted in a general erection, swinging away from a certain dressmaker…(sorry, can’t resist: I mean, what was she on?)

4 09 2010
urbanreverie

Hi Turnips,

Oops, should probably have explained my post to the non-Sydneysiders – I wasn’t referring to The Coiffured One Whose Name Must Remain Unspoken!

Rather, Alan Wilkie who was the weatherman on Channel 9 in Sydney for decades, the best in the business, and my childhood hero. Not too many people under 35 would remember him though.

5 09 2010
Peter

Pearls before swine, or rather, before landlocked rubes or ghastly inbreds from England.

5 09 2010
Mike

So should we add shapeshifting to Wilkins’ list of questionable talents? Or is he actually a T-1000?

5 09 2010
The Stranger

What, *two* robots on GMA?

5 09 2010
James Hunter

and Foney Rabbitt could be the “Flying Nunn” ?? with those ears hed be a shoe in

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