Where Were These Bribes When the Bogan Needed Them?
The bogan now knows where all its hard-earned bribes went. To Richard Wilkins. The bogan wants them back. Wilkins’ new $340 million Hobart hospital, presumably with an expanded plastic surgery and tooth whitening ward, does not appear to be for the bogan. . Not since the cancellation of the Easternats has the bogan been more likely to riot. After years of believing Tasmania was only a target for hilarious gay and incest jokes, the bogan has spent the week feeling angry and impotent. It is not used to decisions of national significance being made without being sweetened with bribes for the bogan. It would be unwise at this point in time to suggest to the bogan that it could consider hardening up, and suggestions that the bogan contributed to the situation through its confusing-to-everyone-but-the-bogan twin demands of more bribes and lower government debt are also thought to be exceptionally risky. Ordinary Australians are strongly urged to hoard canned goods and seek shelter as far away as possible from items made of glass.
The bogan is also furious that after months of being told that the government was intending to live in a manner of frugality that the bogan itself was in no way beholden to, suddenly Tony Abbott was offering Wilkins one billion dollars ($1,000,000,000) to build a hospital in Tasmania. Tasmanian bogans are furious that Wilkins turned it down for $340,000,000 to fix a hospital in Tasmania. All thoughts of fiscal austerity and the primacy of surpluses out the window, this $660,000,000 shortfall is perplexing to the point of insanity to the bogan. Surely a one billion dollar hospital is 194% better than a 340 million dollar hospital?!
Moreover, the bogan is thrice-furious at Wilkins’ efforts to restrict the bogan’s ability to win mad cash at the pokies. The bogan, technological auteur, odds-making savant, wizard of inanimate gambling machines that it is, just knows that it has a max win just around the corner. No longer, as Wilkins’ efforts to limit the max bet on pokies to one paltry dollar, hence limiting the bogans max winnings.
“Why, oh why?” cried the flummoxed bogan, staring mournfully into the cold, government-free night. “Why must I be subject to the whims of people I didn’t vote for? I didn’t elect Bob Katter like I didn’t elect Julia Gillard! This is fucked!” And now, the bribes that were not forthcoming during the campaign suddenly rush forth like a biblical flood into fixing the dollar for Bob Katter, the removal of party politics for Rob Oakeshott, getting gays married for Adam Bandt and subsidising Tasmania for Wilkins. The bogan voted for none of these things, and weeps. Then prepares to storm the beaches of Wineglass bay. The bogan wants its bribes back.