There are some words that, by their very presence, indicate that absence of the thing they’re supposed to mean. Bogans adore these words. If a bogan feels the need to indicate that it is in control of a situation, it is not. If its clothes are ‘couture’, they are not. The bogan likes to eat, wear and listen to things that are ‘classy’ and ‘sophisticated’. They are not.
Some time ago, the bogan realised that it didn’t mind listening to something that wasn’t David Guetta or Kings of Leon. Much as the bogan is enamoured of those artists, it knows full well that they do not confer the requisite class or sophistication that it craves. Moreover, the bogan’s definition of ‘classy’ music effectively means that it has a slower tempo than its more frenetic counterparts.
Ministry of Sound attempted to capitalize on this by simply removing the processed beats from Guetta and his ilk, then adding whale noises. The bogan, while intrigued, simply saw it as ‘cool’, not ‘classy’. It wanted both. It knew of Sinatra, of Van Morrison, but they were old, and the bogan, in its quest to be cool, needed to listen to something ‘new’ and ‘fresh’ as well as ‘classy’.
Then, as with every time the bogan wants something, there was a marketing genius attuned to bogan needs ready and willing to rush in and fill the vacuum with the speed of Guetta’s processed beats. This time, it was a Canadian midget who, through various crafty camera angles and performing on the show of our very own diminutive bogan avatar, managed to convince the femme-bogue that he was hot. He then begun to sing the songs of Sinatra and Morrison. Badly.
He had the bogan about thirteen seconds into his cringe-inducing reproduction of ‘Moondance’, as he mimicked the Robbie Williams formula of bogan-baiting by wearing a tux and engaging in a great many finger-guns at the camera. The bogan instantly was imbued with class. The male bogan knew it now had an insta- means of pulling max hot sluts, by virtue of the classy music it listened to.
Confronted with the corporate lawyer-cum-lingerie model at the local glassing barn, the bogan hesitated before proclaiming that the Bublé song being covered by Appletini on the stage above was awesome. ‘What, Sinatra?’ the CLCLM asked. The bogan mumbled something before shuffling off to find a classier chick.