They just didn’t listen. They thought it’d just work out. “There’s no money in the post-GFC budget for bogan bribes!”, said one. “But the other party isn’t pork barrelling the bogan with wasteful bribes either!”, said the other. For the first time in living memory, the bogan dragged its knuckles up to the polling booth last Saturday without a clear answer to its eternal question: “ask what, what my country can do for me”. Now look what’s happened.
Australia’s politicians have learned what marketers and entertainment executives have known for years: the bogan is incapable of thought. It needs to be told what it thinks, and the instruction needs to come in the form of something shiny. A high speed broadband network is no good if it’s the bogan’s hand-eye coordination that limits how many inane facebook groups it can join per hour. Paid maternity leave, whilst more lucrative to the bogan than the “baby bonus”, is not named in a sufficiently alliterative or blunt manner to catch its eye.
So many different boxes on the Senate ballot sheet, none of them Brazilian waxed. Not even the Sex Party’s box. Unemployable politicobogan Mark Latham suggested a donkey vote when the Nine Network made the mistake of paying him to undertake a task. Donkeys are well hung, and the bogan is now able to find very frequent opportunities to mention and subsequently snigger at the term “hung parliament”. As predicted on BBW last week, both major parties are unable to reach the 76 seat number required to form a majority government. Australia is on pause.
At the time of writing, the fate of the nation lay in the hands of a bogan-reviled smarmy hippie from Melbourne, two rogue cowboys from places that the bogan has never been to, and a hat wearing, narcoleptic 65 year old from up on the Reef. The previously proud Abbott and Gillard, having bribed an inadequate amount of bogans to achieve government in their own right, must now bribe these four, and maybe another bloke from Tasmania, with complete and utter shamelessness. The bogan is furious that these previously unimportant politicians look like receiving all of the bribes that should belong to the bogan.
The Australian political establishment has paid a very high price for not catering to the needs that it progressively developed in the bogan over a number of electoral cycles, and you can be certain that it will not happen again in the parliamentary lifetimes of any of our leaders. For the next three years, the passage of key legislation is likely to mysteriously coincide with the unveiling of monorails in four particular electorates. Equally strangely, the incoming majority government after the next Federal Election is expected to be able to think of four very good places to situate nuclear dumps.