Bogan Bribe Watch – August 27th

27 08 2010

Independent’s Day

They just didn’t listen. They thought it’d just work out. “There’s no money in the post-GFC budget for bogan bribes!”, said one. “But the other party isn’t pork barrelling the bogan with wasteful bribes either!”, said the other. For the first time in living memory, the bogan dragged its knuckles up to the polling booth last Saturday without a clear answer to its eternal question: “ask what, what my country can do for me”. Now look what’s happened.

Australia’s politicians have learned what marketers and entertainment executives have known for years: the bogan is incapable of thought. It needs to be told what it thinks, and the instruction needs to come in the form of something shiny. A high speed broadband network is no good if it’s the bogan’s hand-eye coordination that limits how many inane facebook groups it can join per hour. Paid maternity leave, whilst more lucrative to the bogan than the “baby bonus”, is not named in a sufficiently alliterative or blunt manner to catch its eye.

So many different boxes on the Senate ballot sheet, none of them Brazilian waxed. Not even the Sex Party’s box. Unemployable politicobogan Mark Latham suggested a donkey vote when the Nine Network made the mistake of paying him to undertake a task. Donkeys are well hung, and the bogan is now able to find very frequent opportunities to mention and subsequently snigger at the term “hung parliament”. As predicted on BBW last week, both major parties are unable to reach the 76 seat number required to form a majority government. Australia is on pause.

At the time of writing, the fate of the nation lay in the hands of a bogan-reviled smarmy hippie from Melbourne, two rogue cowboys from places that the bogan has never been to, and a hat wearing, narcoleptic 65 year old from up on the Reef. The previously proud Abbott and Gillard, having bribed an inadequate amount of bogans to achieve government in their own right, must now bribe these four, and maybe another bloke from Tasmania, with complete and utter shamelessness. The bogan is furious that these previously unimportant politicians look like receiving all of the bribes that should belong to the bogan.

The Australian political establishment has paid a very high price for not catering to the needs that it progressively developed in the bogan over a number of electoral cycles, and you can be certain that it will not happen again in the parliamentary lifetimes of any of our leaders. For the next three years, the passage of key legislation is likely to mysteriously coincide with the unveiling of monorails in four particular electorates. Equally strangely, the incoming majority government after the next Federal Election is expected to be able to think of four very good places to situate nuclear dumps.


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60 responses

27 08 2010
Elitist Coffee Lover

Bob Katter is too much of an easy target. I mean, at least he represents North Queensland quite accurately.
I think he’s made some interesting points this week. Is anyone awhere of how much food we import? We Import bananas for christ sake and we have a so called ‘free trade agreement’. Free trade for who? How much suitable land is available for agriculture? And I never knew suicide amoung farmers was so prevelent.
I feel sorry for country folk they aren’t bogans through choice, as opposed to suburban bogans. My theory is they grow ‘redneck’ tendencies because they are so cut off from the world.

I was in the highlands of Papua New Guinea a few months after the 2007 cyclone that flattened much of Australia’s banana plantation. In PNG, fresh local bananas were selling at a price of two for five cents. On the other side of the 200km gap between the two countries, Australian consumers (well, those lucky ones who were even able to access this nutritious food) were paying upwards of $12 a kilo (or about six thousand percent more) for a blackened and blemished fruit from Katterville because banana imports remained illegal due to political lobbying. The growers in PNG were illiterate, impoverished, and trapped in a cycle of immense disadvantage, partly due to the inhumanely protectionist policies of Australia. The bogan wholeheartedly supported that nationalistic and erroneous definition of “free trade” which you refer to. We’re not going to be able to adequately solve an issue of farmer suicides through import tariffs or bans. Now that Katter has fallen into the position of being a pivotal decision maker in national (and, by extension, global) politics, it’s entirely reasonable to hold him to a higher level of account than just questioning whether he’s an accurate depiction of his atypical local electorate. TBL

27 08 2010
Shirley M

You’re right, TBL. Is is entirely reasonable to hold him to a higher level of account, but it’s also incredibly idealistic. Whatever happens I fear we are going to spend the next three years in a constant state of campaigning and getting f*ck all done. Thanks Gillard and Abbott, you KNOBS.

28 08 2010
senexx

You forget that Bananas went up only in that area of FNQ and we were still growing them in NW Aust where they weren’t affected and still had to pay that ridiculous price for them in Aust. Yet that is exactly where PNG got their bananas from.

All isolated and ignored areas of any country become bigoted after all the fact that they’re being ignored starts it. So the bigotry starts on the other side first.

31 08 2010
Muz

FOF!

Given that the majority of all the food grown in Australia is exported it is a a bit rich, not to mention hypocritical, to bang on about imports and tariffs. If everyone else in the world took the above view then we would have a very sorry agricultural export industry.

The fact of the matter is Australia is a nett, by a long way, exporter of food and to hear the ignorant masses crap on in the media all the time about how us poor old Aussies don’t have enough arable land etc etc is enough to drive you up the wall. (Think wheat, wine, dairy, meat regards exports.) Australia could easily, foodwise, sustain a population at current agricultural output, of 60 million people. (Infrastructure and services arguments aside.)

Living in Singapore in years gone by it always struck me how you could buy better quality fruit than you could in Australia and then I was told just about every single piece of fruit you see in a supermarket or grocer in oz is at least one rung down from the A-grade stuff that gets exported for more dollars.

FOF!

27 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

The most succinct and accurate appraisal of recent events. At least as it strikes my mighty intellect anyway. I’ve spent about the last two months in and around Katter Kuntry. It’s great scenic beauty is matched in scale by the ignorant insular and bigoted attitudes of the populace and it is just these attitudes which have delivered this representative misanthrope. I can’t speak for the genteel intelligentsia of melbourne or the prosperous cow cockies of new england but I can assure you firsthand there is nothing in the electorate of kennedy to contribute to progressive democracy.
just ask the Murris.

27 08 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Chubby reminds me of an incident which sums up Katter Kuntry for me.
We are presently at a place called Cooktown waaaay up the East Coast. An almost quaint little town barely touched by the rampant commerciality of the rest of the (queensland) east coast, set in utterly spectacular scenery (Black Mountain, Tropical Beaches and the magnificent vista of the Palmer River stretching into the North West distance through what looks like pristine rainforest) and rich with fascinating local history. Back in the heart of Katter Kuntry – Innisfail (another dogsh!t, medium sized burg set in the middle of cane fields and banana plantations) when I mentioned to some overweight, underdressed, vapid shop drone that we were heading here, she replied “Why would you wanna go there? There’s just a shop and heaps of blackfellas.”
She could have been the mayor, so representative was she of the local attitude. I love North Queensland but I hate the people: a toxic blend of new and old bogue.
In fact I’m tipping Bogue will soon be the official state recognised religon of North Qld. Which makes Katter the high priest.

27 08 2010
Mick

I lived in Innisfail for seven years. Twenty years in Nth Qld. You should now understand why I’m such a bitter, twisted and cynical soul.

Thankfully at the moment I am in Margaret River sampling the wines. I’m gonna go sample some more right now.

Cheers.

27 08 2010
Jay

Dear God… if I recall correctly from previous discussions we’ve had here you are, like me, born and bred in Toowoomba, Mick? FNQ and the Darling Downs… wow you must have been some kind of seriously bad guy in a former life. Not to worry, I think you’ve paid your penance 😀

Enjoy the wines and Margaret River. You’re just up the road from where I now live, having moved pretty much as far away from Toowoomba as I could without leaving the mainland.

27 08 2010
Illusionary

Just a quick correction to the above – Mark Latham was recommending an informal vote (one with a blank ballot paper), not a donkey vote (this is one where you just number the boxes 1 to whatever starting at the top). Both are still stupid thoughtless things to do.

Correct, Illusionary. But donkey provides so many more opportunities for jokes, does it not? TBL

27 08 2010
Shirley M

So the latest update gives Wilkie Dennison, with Brisbane the only seat left in doubt, that will likely go to the Libs.

I just want it to be over.

27 08 2010
Grant

Well I don’t watch TV, I only read the online pages I’m interested, and I don’t have I high opinion of government … I mean locking up refugees is one thing, but then taking several years to decide what to do with them is something else completely.
I’m happy for this to continue forever – too bad the AEC is required to declare a result by a certain date!

27 08 2010
Shirley M

According to the ABC, all seats are now decided, so let the bribing begin in earnest.

27 08 2010
James Hunter

Shirl,
I’m suprised that since you seem to defend the gross commerciallity of the gold coast you may be expected to support cowboy bob ? ..with his comercial instincts the world of bananna growers will be solved for a short time , untill imported pests and bugs destroy the local inmdustry compleatly.
Mind you he will be making expensive alcohol for car fuel , realy rellavant now that lots better ways have been developed.

still bob the mad hatter is better then that religitard Steve Fielding.
He only wants to block any minority governmint that JG might cobble together just because it is labour led. Now that is an even more disturbing interpretation of democracy then bobby the hatter katter.

27 08 2010
Shirley M

Are you suggesting that because I’m not offended by signs in foreign languages on the Gold Coast that I’m supposed to support Katter? Or the opposite? Or don’t you know either? My money is on the latter.

27 08 2010
James Hunter

Shirl,
the gross bogan comerciality of the gols coast is why I and others of gentle sensibilities do not go there any more as we find it most offensive.( note to Microsoft : not the merer maids, they are noice)
The foreign ness that I most objet to is the Jap tourists in groups organised by jap tourist companies stay in hotels owned by japs on land owned by japs in tour coachs owned and crewed by japs taking bus loads of japs to tourist stores owned by japs with jap shop assistants. Yep I can see the huge benifits for Australians ???
As for Katter, anyone who believes that a system that allows one man elected by about 150,000 similar crazies from ean electorate of weed growers to wish to dictate the acts of a parliament that is designed to represent the democratic majority of the whole country has got to be a few banannas short of a bunch.
The key is the majority of the whole country not the majority of Kennedy..

27 08 2010
Shirley M

My original question remains. What me, the Gold Coast and Bob Katter have in common.

Consider it a rhetorical question, James.

27 08 2010
broggly

I’m not sure how foreign-owned all the tourist services are, but at least our government will be getting the taxes.

28 08 2010
SD

JH, at least they are better behaved than the Aussies colonising Phuket.

27 08 2010
Going Bogue

Happy to have a hung Parliament – now only significant legislation on which everyone agrees will get through. That means an impotent gov for the next 3 years, but also one which can’t fuck things up in the way that politicians usually do. Hopefully, it means that people in this country will spend the next 3 years doing things for themselves.

27 08 2010
Ian

I’m sure that a monorail will be able to put the Independent’s electorates on the map just like North Haverbrook and Ogdenville when they got their monorails.

27 08 2010
potluckarchive

Is there a chance the track will bend?

27 08 2010
Bec

I call the big one ‘bitey’.

27 08 2010
Jason

Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

27 08 2010
devil's advocate

Batman’s a scientist.

27 08 2010
Tone

Lisa needs braces!

27 08 2010
brad

you’ll all get cushy jobs

27 08 2010
James Hunter

which life is the question.?

28 08 2010
phil

But main street’s still all cracked and broken.
Sorry mum, the mob has spoken.

28 08 2010
James Hunter

which ? the one down along the beach ?

29 08 2010
pb

mono…d’oh!

27 08 2010
Tombarina

That a barking loon from the deep North is now one of the four most powerful people in Australia is cause for deep concern.

To reiterate: Katter’s not just an eccentric, or a colourful character or a maverick. He’s nuclear-grade potty and about as predictable as feral cat with a lit firework jammed up its clacker.

The fact that he attracts so much of Kennedy’s primary vote is a tragic indictment of how regional and remote Australia PERCEIVES it has been regarded by successive governments.

Most people living out in the sticks accept that they will have substantially poorer infrastructure, opportunities and services – that’s a fact of life. What they won’t accept is feeling that they’re regarded as behatted lantern-jawed halfwits.

If a few more pollies actually ventured beyond the eastern seaboard just to have a listen – not necessarily DO anything, but at least listen – then it might loosen the reliance on wombats like Katter.

Bobby Kennedy once said that people get the governments they deserve. Looks like Katter will be punishing the lot of us.

27 08 2010
Mick

Katter shouted me a beer at the pub in Cardwell a while back. I thought that was nice. He wanted to talk to me then. Not so nice.

The man is a loon. He’s got a massive head as well. Frightening up close.

27 08 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

Having also lived in Innisfail, Mick, I’m sure you know as well as I do how much those bastards up there love him.

I wonder how much they would love him if his Lebanese ancestry was better known…

27 08 2010
James Hunter

I will be a cruel punishment if knutter Katter and his ilk hold the whiphand. Worse still if Family first’s religitard “Iotolla Fielding” controlls the senate
One man hijacking the senate for religious purposes. Makes the Taliban look honest.

27 08 2010
Pendant

Sorry to be a pendant but the sentence fragment

neither having _not_ bribed an adequate amount of bogans to achieve government in their own right

blows my mind

You’re adept at determining the bits I tried to fine tune after getting home from the pub, Mister Pendant. TBL

27 08 2010
Jason

Wouldn’t a pedant know the difference between a pedant and a pendant?

27 08 2010
SD

And a pedant wouldn’t recognise the ironic use of pendant?

27 08 2010
pb

and now, not to be outdone, steve fielding’s making a bid to be (remain?) our most moronic parliamentarian: http://www.smh.com.au/federal-election/fielding-threatens-to-block-labor-rule-20100827-13ulc.html#poll

27 08 2010
Steve

The guy that replaces him (John Madigan from the Democratic Labor Party) is disturbingly also a religitard.

27 08 2010
SD

A bit like the tweet on Yes we Canberra from Tony Crook. Finding Wilson mild and inoffensive.

I am distracted by those tweets – can barely watch the show.

“They just didn’t listen. They thought it’d just work out. “There’s no money in the post-GFC budget for bogan bribes!”, said one. “But the other party isn’t pork barrelling the bogan with wasteful bribes either!”, said the other.”

In spite of helpful pointers from 14 Bogan Bribe Watches

27 08 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

Is that the same DLP my grandmother insists saved us from the communists?

27 08 2010
Steve

The very same.

27 08 2010
pb

victoria, what are you doing to us?

27 08 2010
urbanreverie

Isn’t Victoria supposed to be the most progressive, enlightened and cultivated state in the Commonwealth? Aaaargh!

31 08 2010
natlee

Maybe you’re thinking of Victoria, Canada.

31 08 2010
James Hunter

natlee
Well, the Murray Mallee is very cultivated .Does that count ?

27 08 2010
brad

sorry pb what do you expect from a place where the state government has beaten the populace inti submission due too a lack of opposition.

27 08 2010
Ian

I love it how they’re upset on their website that they took Fielding’s seat.

27 08 2010
Steve

haha and also some other guy whose name they’ve misspelt.

27 08 2010
Grumster

If the thinking non-bogan can’t make sense of what Oakeshitt is saying what hope does the bogan have? He makes Rudd look concise. The man is a threat to boganocracy.

27 08 2010
Wicked Infidel

Bob Katter reminds me of Catch 22 Major Major’s dad who to quote

“He was a longlimbed farmer, a God-fearing, freedom-loving, law-abiding rugged individualist who held that federal aid to anyone but farmers was creeping socialism. “

27 08 2010
dean

Hey TBL, next time you are in Coles keep an eye out for the Coles Brand Kitten food that sports patented technology called REAL MEAT INJECTION.
The blurb on the side of the box looks like a piss take written by TBL. Food designed for Bogan’s cats.
Myabe Ill scan it when i get home, it is Friday night tho so dont quote me.

27 08 2010
Jerry

Not that it’s related to this post but I had to be the first to place this link:

http://www.news.com.au/technology/giant-skill-tester-could-rip-apart-unbreakable-ute/story-e6frfro0-1225910978861

PURE MAXTREME BOGAN ENTERTAINMENT!!!

27 08 2010
Dave

Scary story … followed by even more scary responses:

red of necksville Posted at 4:16 PM Today

this is just the coolest things I have ever seen!! I love beer and I love utes and I love big stuff, awesome

Comment 5 of 19

Rach of Melbourne Posted at 4:41 PM Today

Carlton Draught rocks! Hiluxes keep going even after a rollover. I JUST HOPE I WIN!

Comment 17 of 19

27 08 2010
BigPanda

oooops….reply..

Try these….FFS….give a bogan a focus, n all their dreams can come true…

Jason of Pasadena Posted at 5:22 PM Today
A million people around the country just had a bogasm thinking about having a go at this.

Wayne of Franston Posted at 5:58 PM Today
Bogasm!! I’m now sporting a halfa.

Lozza of Perth Posted at 6:27 PM Today
@ Jason of Pasadena, “Bogasm” is my new fave word of the day! LMAO

27 08 2010
Mandi

I watched ‘On Our Selection’ the other night, fast forward to the political discussion between Dad Rudd and his sons mother in law about independents vs the labor party, in fact just watch the whole thing.

27 08 2010
bogueoz

actually, as a natural pessimist, it seems to be going better than expected.
yes, it’s a stalemate of sorts, and nothing will really be achieved, but considering that the next 5-10 years in oz politics were bound to be a bogan-bribing bottom-scraping disgrace anyway, am i naive to think that the greens having the balance of power will, at the very least (maybe/perhaps), prevent some of the more ridiculous political measures getting passed?

27 08 2010
BigPanda

Try these….FFS….give a bogan a focus, n all their dreams can come true…

Jason of Pasadena Posted at 5:22 PM Today
A million people around the country just had a bogasm thinking about having a go at this.

Wayne of Franston Posted at 5:58 PM Today
Bogasm!! I’m now sporting a halfa.

Lozza of Perth Posted at 6:27 PM Today
@ Jason of Pasadena, “Bogasm” is my new fave word of the day! LMAO

28 08 2010
STOP THE BANANAS!

Bob Katter sounds like a very reasonable and intelligent man when compared to Fielding. At least he cares about some real issues. And being a bloke you call when “there’s a croc on the loose”, he’s pretty maxtreme too.

29 08 2010
Benny Hill

Why he was left out of The Expendables I will never know…

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