Plan B for Bogan
Commentators in various newspapers have been decrying how boring the current election campaign is, compared to previous ones. They’re complaining that it doesn’t seem to be ABOUT anything, and they’re pretending that they don’t know why this is the case, when it’s perfectly obvious that it’s due to fewer bogan bribes. Have our politicians finally seen the light and eschewed the self-interested pork-barrelling of bogans? Yes and no.
Due to Labor signing Australians up for years of budget deficits in order to stave off recession, neither the ALP nor the Coalition have access to a vast bucket of bogan bribe bucks for middle class welfare initiatives such as a “breathing bonus”, or a “reprobate rebate”. While both Abbott and Gillard are acutely aware that scrambling the bogan’s intermittent mental function is crucial to winning the election, their parties have only ever had to bribe the bogan. There has been no plan B.
A televised debate between Abbott and Gillard was conducted; an awkward hour of polite smiles and antimatter chatter. After a furious dressing down from their superiors, none of the staffers at Liberal or Labor HQ slept that night. By failing the bogan’s needs, the political strategists had in turn failed their illustrious leaders. At 8am the following morning, the search for plan B commenced. The results so far have been mixed. Tony Abbott was dispatched to Northern Queensland to eat raw fish and operate earthmoving equipment, which the bogan male approved of despite its own unwillingness and inability, respectively, to emulate Tony’s REAL ACTION. Labor’s plan B involved tarting up Julia Gillard and getting her on the cover of Women’s Weekly for a warm and fuzzy 13 page spread which steered clear of empty fruitbowls sitting on leaky kitchen cabinets. The female bogan approved of this.
But can this strange new nobility last the duration of the campaign? Fuck no. With the bogan’s crippled attention span, it is simply not sufficient to cobble together baby-kissing photo ops in order to obtain the vote of the self-obsessed bogan. Witnessing her opinion poll figures crashing, Julia Gillard has now realised that it’s time to show the bogan the REAL JULIA; the maxtreme footy fan that understands the bogan’s “Real World”. Previously unwilling to debate Abbott again, she sprung a surprise debate invite onto him, during which she would presumably behave in a more bogan-friendly (read: unfriendly) way.
Both parties have jumped in with a middle class welfare handout in the form of paid maternity leave, targeted along similar lines to the bogan-cherished Baby Bonus. Abbott’s policy is considerably more expensive, and due to the lack of bogan cash bucket at Liberal HQ, he’s proposing to fund it via a 1.5% tax on “big business”, which is sufficiently abstracted to please the bogan. A hastily constructed string of “cost neutral” bogan bribes won’t be far away, and by “cost neutral”, the parties will mean “divert money away from really meaningful policy and towards REAL bribes”.