Bogan Bribe Watch – August 6th

6 08 2010

Plan B for Bogan

Commentators in various newspapers have been decrying how boring the current election campaign is, compared to previous ones. They’re complaining that it doesn’t seem to be ABOUT anything, and they’re pretending that they don’t know why this is the case, when it’s perfectly obvious that it’s due to fewer bogan bribes. Have our politicians finally seen the light and eschewed the self-interested pork-barrelling of bogans? Yes and no.

Due to Labor signing Australians up for years of budget deficits in order to stave off recession, neither the ALP nor the Coalition have access to a vast bucket of bogan bribe bucks for middle class welfare initiatives such as a “breathing bonus”, or a “reprobate rebate”. While both Abbott and Gillard are acutely aware that scrambling the bogan’s intermittent mental function is crucial to winning the election, their parties have only ever had to bribe the bogan. There has been no plan B.

A televised debate between Abbott and Gillard was conducted; an awkward hour of polite smiles and antimatter chatter. After a furious dressing down from their superiors, none of the staffers at Liberal or Labor HQ slept that night. By failing the bogan’s needs, the political strategists had in turn failed their illustrious leaders. At 8am the following morning, the search for plan B commenced. The results so far have been mixed. Tony Abbott was dispatched to Northern Queensland to eat raw fish and operate earthmoving equipment, which the bogan male approved of despite its own unwillingness and inability, respectively, to emulate Tony’s REAL ACTION. Labor’s plan B involved tarting up Julia Gillard and getting her on the cover of Women’s Weekly for a warm and fuzzy 13 page spread which steered clear of empty fruitbowls sitting on leaky kitchen cabinets. The female bogan approved of this.

But can this strange new nobility last the duration of the campaign? Fuck no. With the bogan’s crippled attention span, it is simply not sufficient to cobble together baby-kissing photo ops in order to obtain the vote of the self-obsessed bogan. Witnessing her opinion poll figures crashing, Julia Gillard has now realised that it’s time to show the bogan the REAL JULIA; the maxtreme footy fan that understands the bogan’s “Real World”. Previously unwilling to debate Abbott again, she sprung a surprise debate invite onto him, during which she would presumably behave in a more bogan-friendly (read: unfriendly) way.

Both parties have jumped in with a middle class welfare handout in the form of paid maternity leave, targeted along similar lines to the bogan-cherished Baby Bonus. Abbott’s policy is considerably more expensive, and due to the lack of bogan cash bucket at Liberal HQ, he’s proposing to fund it via a 1.5% tax on “big business”, which is sufficiently abstracted to please the bogan. A hastily constructed string of “cost neutral” bogan bribes won’t be far away, and by “cost neutral”, the parties will mean “divert money away from really meaningful policy and towards REAL bribes”.


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112 responses

6 08 2010
James Hunter

TBL,
“divert money away really meaninful…..” Really ! away from , surely ?

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Jimmie, Pendant alert Whoop, Whoop.

6 08 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
I know…I know still I thought TBL was above and beyond mistake like that !

Did you mean mistakes? TBL

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Touche.

6 08 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. Or did you mean misteaks, JH?

6 08 2010
James Hunter

TBL,
Game , set and match 1 I won’t even try to get out of that by claiming mistake was by way of example.
BTW if you ever look at my web site you would see that I do occasionally play to my audience !

6 08 2010
vivisection

Pendant – is it Pandora?

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Nah, Tiffany. High value pendant is JH.

6 08 2010
vivisection

Oh, I thought you meant pedant. 😉
JH is classier than Pandora now you mention it.

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Just for the record I know it is pedant (comes from pedantic) but pendant sounds so much better don’t ya think?

6 08 2010
vivisection

Of course you knew SImon, of course.

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Thanks for your overwhelming display of confidence Viv.

6 08 2010
vivisection

Actually, Pendant does sound better. I may borrow it in the future.

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

You’re welcome.

6 08 2010
Shirley M

I disagree. You can spit pedant out with more anger. On the other hand, it would really give a pedant the shits if you were to call them pendantic.

6 08 2010
vivisection

I think that’s the beauty of it.

6 08 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. No. Because it’s WRONG.

6 08 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
Thank you, esp if you had ever seen my pendants !

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I saw today The Libs are making a play for Brimstones vote by promising not to bring in an internet filter. Should please the bogues as they will be able to continue to view max-treme pornXXX.

6 08 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
Brimstone may still be a US citizen in which case it’s all wasted , you beauty

6 08 2010
Shirley M

I doubt most bogans even understand the proposed internet filter. Regardless, they would hear the word ‘filter’ and interpret this as ‘nanny state taking away my freedoms’ and thus be opposed.

Vote 1 cock, this election.

7 08 2010
Steve

8 08 2010
Girl of Madness

This ‘debate’ has me losing faith in humanity at a rapid rate. How are we all going to be better people, creating a better world with governments, corporations and churches running our lives. Either way you vote in this election, for the next 3 years, major global mistakes will be made but whichever faacktard got elected. Now, I’m going for my 100km walk… as I’m lucky enough to be as far away from this mess as one could be!

6 08 2010
John Smith

I’m pretty sure the lack of an internet filter is negated by the fact that the national broadband network will be scrapped. It’s a lose lose.

6 08 2010
martin

And if you don’t want the internet filter you will end up with work choices. So the porn is a bribe for work choices.

I’d prefer trains over an NBN. But hey, that would make too much sense. The bogan probably doesn’t give a stuff about trains because he drives a ute to work. There’s nothing in it for the boomer bogans who are busy with their million dollar houses and investment properties claiming pensions.

Man we are so f#cked.

We need a post about boomer bogans.

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Martin, I think you should write it. I had a go at writing a post this week and it came out ok. So go for it. #165 Boomer Bogans by Martin.

6 08 2010
martin

You did? Which one did you write?

6 08 2010
martin

I might like to write it one day but I’m a bit stressed out with work and a bit muddle headed at the moment. We’ll see.

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Martin, see comments on #163, I wrote an entry on personal trainers. I scored a 9/10 from Tone.

6 08 2010
martin

Oh, I thought you meant you wrote an actual TBL thread. Not just in the comments bit.

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

No, I have not reached those lofty heights Martin. But it was fun.

6 08 2010
Antosha

My previous stance was that if there was an internet filter implemented in Oz I would never come back.

But looking out over my bushfire smoke infested city of abode, reading how it will be 42C tomorrow… an internet filter does not seem so bad..

6 08 2010
James Hunter

Antosha,
See you already have work choices !!

6 08 2010
James Hunter

Hey dont scrap the broadband network, where I live I cant even get ADSL2+ and Know what , Telstra couldnt give a F#$k

6 08 2010
Mick

I need this to be over. Enough of elections. I’m sick of raising doubts and getting the “It’s all Liberal/Labor’s fault” answer.

And then watch their heads lift and ears prick when they sniff a bribe on the wind. It’s like watching a hungry tiger. A hungry bogan tiger that needs to be fed. Now.

6 08 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

Personally, I blame Labor…

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

What, for everything?

John Howards slating of Powerfoxxe was very funny yesterday.

6 08 2010
pb

particularly considering the only thing the powerfox has done so far is call an election.

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

She is blundering around like an unco elephant. All Tony has to do is not stuff up and it’s all over I reckon.

6 08 2010
vivisection

So there is still hope for the ALP.

6 08 2010
Mick

Don’t think so.

The only way Tony could stuff it up now is to dig up Peter Brock and wear him as a hat. Even then I’m not sure.

6 08 2010
Shirley M

I’d say he lost himself a fair chunk of votes with his ‘I guess in Julia’s case no doesn’t mean no’ soundbyte.

6 08 2010
Mick

Not sure on that one Shirley. The average response around the golf club was ‘typical labor feminist over-reaction’.

6 08 2010
Shirley M

Perhaps. But feminists also vote, you know.

6 08 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

Perhaps, Shirley, but only if their husbands let them…

*prepares to receive a severe beating*

6 08 2010
Shirley M

A friday funny, James! Ho ho ho!

6 08 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

The sarcasm is duly noted, Shirley.

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Don’t agree, only libtards were offended by this and they won’t vote for him anyway.

6 08 2010
Shirley M

It wasn’t only offensive because it made fun of an anti-rape slogan, it was also offensive because it wasn’t funny. It highlighted the fact that Abbot is a complete clown shoes.

6 08 2010
Antosha

Agreed Simon – I don’t think he lost so many votes with that one – just drove his non-fan base further away slightly.

6 08 2010
vivisection

If he wore the hat to a women’s crisis shelter, maybe he would loose a few femme-bogue votes – they love Brockie, but he was an alleged wifebeater and their inner P!nk would not be happy.

6 08 2010
James Hunter

He’d do better if he dug up brokkies secrete energy power booster magnetic blanket thinngy

6 08 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

You underestimate Mr Abbott’s capacity for verbal miscalculation, Mick. I think the ALP is holding back its best weapons until after Abbott says or does something silly. That, it seems, is the source of the perception highlighted by pb and Simon above.

Well, that and the fact that the Liberals seem to be pulling out the big guns the last week or so after those Cabinet leaks. Whether or not they were premature in doing so remains to be seen.

6 08 2010
Mick

Perhaps. It might even come today. It would appear some of his fellow Liberals want his parental leave thingy modified. Maybe his stuff-up will come commenting on that.

Mess with the bribe and you mess with the bogan.

6 08 2010
James Hunter

Foney’s case of premature elejeculation

6 08 2010
Tombarina

*wine snort*

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

In breaking news the report on the school building program is out. And guess what, it has been poorly managed (read right royally stuffed), minister in charge – powerfoxxe.

Another free kick for the libs. I don’t see how she is going to win this one.

6 08 2010
martin

Labor is still favourite to win at $1.55 with the Libs at $2.45. It was at $1.25 to $3.25 a few weeks ago. Tony has done a good job at closing the gap.

http://www.iasbet.com/Sport/BetTypeContainer.aspx?SportId=33&CompetitionId=25445&BetTypeId=22&FutureFlag=False

Yeah I can see Tony winning. Spending all that money on tradies and developers was a bit of a rort. I think I heard on Q & A the other day that Labor has spent about $150 billion. I would think that would buy at least a couple of train lines. Very sad and disapointing.

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The party line is that money saved 200,000 jobs. Problem is that equates to $250,000 per job?!

They could have just given me the money and I would have stimulated away.

6 08 2010
martin

They could have just flushed it down the toilet and I’d have preferred that than making bogans richer.

About the best thing that happened was Rudd was humiliated and cried like a bitch. Unfortunately the schandenfraude is not enough compensation.

6 08 2010
Shirley M

Tony’s chances of not stuffing up are slim to none.

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

He needs to do a Peter Garrett and just hide under the bed until it is all over.

6 08 2010
vivisection

How can he sleep while the beds are burning? Sorry…

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Oh dear, more coffee Viv?

Perhaps he has a Short Memory.

6 08 2010
Mick

Nope.

Everything’s set, everything’s fine, you just got to stand in line.

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Whos going to save me
Whos going to save me
I pray for sense and reason

6 08 2010
James Hunter

could he get under the bed with those ears ?

6 08 2010
Mick

That’s it.

*slams door shut, walks to beach and keeps walking*

6 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

It’ll come down to which of them has the power and who has the passion I think when Australia votes who’ll be king of the mountain. It’s certainly a big bribe fest between there’ll be bread on your table tonight, there’ll be pay in your pocket tonight.

6 08 2010
Shirley M

The kissing babies tactic is really a no-go for this election. Gillard looks awkward around the younguns, probably because she’s trying really hard to look like she likes them, and Abbot is a creepy motherf*cker who looks like he might eat babies.

6 08 2010
Mick

Yes, that ad about creepy Abbott on Gruen the other night would have made a few kiddies wet their bed.

6 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

2010 and they pull out the kissing baby cliche – lambasted since, what, the fifties?

Doesn’t even the most star struck Brianna, movver of Tyler, lock up the kiddies within cooee of a pollie and a shopping centre??

6 08 2010
Shirley M

I know I wouldn’t let any pollie swines near my son and heir.

6 08 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

Ms Gillard once visited my daughter’s school, and my progeny was part of the reception committee. Now, every time Gillard is on the news I must suffer through stories of how great she is, from my own child no less. Soul destroying stuff.

6 08 2010
pb

what, and miss out on the opportunity to be on tv for a few seconds?

6 08 2010
James Hunter

well he had studied to be a priest … so you know what they do with younguns

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

JH,

There were 2 Catholic priests on the Titanic. As it started to sink one priest said to the other “do you think we should grab a buoy”, the other replied “do we have time for that?”.

An oldy but a goody.

6 08 2010
EddieH

Quite depressing that the 2 potential leaders of our country could be chosen based on who outbogans the other. Who will win: the ginger with the broad aussie vernacular who could be an extra on Kath and Kim or the ex footy playing, speedo wearing, adoption denialist, conservative fundamentalist?

6 08 2010
martin

Yes. It’s a competition of who can pretend the best that they care because we all know that once the election is over they’ll just continue to turn the country into a shit hole to benefit the few at the expense of the many.

6 08 2010
Shirley M

DID YOU KNOW?

There is a candidate for the seat of Chisholm named Nimrod Evans. He’s a member of the Secular Party. True story!

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Chub and Edna will be pleased their son is not the only Nimrod out there.

Errr, I think…..

6 08 2010
vivisection

They will have to spell it Nimhrohd Ghympea now, just to make it a little bit different, you know.

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Viv, you are a master of bogan spelling, well done.

6 08 2010
vivisection

Chears. Noice to sea that a pendant loikes my werk.

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Youse is doin growse werk sun.

6 08 2010
vivisection

Nothing at all to do with the election, or bogans, but hey its friday afternoon.

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I like to leave my pussy in the rain so it gets wet.

6 08 2010
Tombarina

Oh God, Viv. I can not believe we’ve sunk to “mah pussah”.

*self-glasses*

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yeh, we’re usually so classy Tomba.

7 08 2010
vivisection

Oh you loved it Tombarina. Next time it rains you’ll think about Mrs Slocombe’s poor drenched pussy drying out in front of the fire.. You all will. And stop wasting glasses

6 08 2010
urbanreverie

And, from the letters page in today’s Sydney Morning Herald …

BOGANS RULE, OK

Whoever wins the election it seems we are witnessing the dawn of the boganocracy, an era in which a few outer suburban seats, dominated by selfish, narrow-minded, grasping voters whose national vision goes no further than the letters ”m” and ”e”, but who are welded firmly to the teat of middle-class welfare, will determine who holds government.

What a disgrace.

Wayne Duncombe Glebe

6 08 2010
Mick

I think I like Wayne.

6 08 2010
urbanreverie

I might like Wayne too if I ever had a soy latte with him at a second hand bookshop on Glebe Point Road, and I love his neologism “boganocracy”. But I don’t like his appalling generalisations. I was in a bit of a rush before and just copied, pasted and posted – so it probably appears as though I wholeheartedly endorse Wayne’s sentiments!

The only thing I don’t like about the letter I reposted here is the idea that people who live in outer-suburban marginal electorates are necessarily “selfish, narrow-minded, grasping voters”.

Certainly there is a geographic component to the bogan menace, and there definitely are areas, typically on the periphery of metropolitan areas, where bogans are the predominant life form. But even in the most resentful McMansion-ridden districts, you will find decent examples of the human race.

My best mate and his young family live in the marginal outer-suburban seat of Macarthur. He is an educated professional with a senior role in local government and holds progressive values. My grandmother, the most tolerant person I know with the patience of a saint, also lives in the same electorate. I can assure you that none of these people are bogans.

My ex lives in the marginal outer-suburban seat of Robertson. He is a bit of a greenie and is an environmental scientist, and I doubt that he would much appreciate being labelled as a person “whose national vision goes no further than the letters ”m” and ”e””.

Like I said, an appalling generalisation. Wayne could have attacked the way the bogan’s selfishness, short-sightedness and intolerance create an unwelcome influence on Australian politics without spraying people who live in “a few outer suburban seats”.

(end rant)

7 08 2010
Mick

Um…I would have thought Wayne was another one of those personas used to rile up a comments section.

So, is Wayne for real or taking the piss?

7 08 2010
urbanreverie

Hmm Mick, perhaps you are right. It never occurred to me that Wayne might be taking the piss. Hell, he might even be a lurker on here, he’s probably rolling on the floor with maniacal laughter at the reaction he got on this thread! 🙂

A little fishie also took the bait in today’s Herald …

ENLIGHTEN US

We outer-suburban bogans in the marginal seat of Robertson need to know more about the national vision of selfless, enlightened and charitable inner-city voters (Letters, August 6). I await news that Wayne Duncombe has sold up in Glebe to become a living example in Woy Woy.

Steven Cowgill Lisarow

8 08 2010
pb

am i exceedingly immature for noticing that steven’s surname is one letter off being cowgirl?

8 08 2010
martin

The whole letters page could just be a little private joke for the writers? Maybe they’re fed up with how inane the media is.

8 08 2010
pb

ooh, like some sort of detournement? a big commentary on society, media and knowledge?

8 08 2010
Mick

Thank you. I’ve just learnt what detournement means.

This place is so educational.

6 08 2010
Antosha

TBL – Let’s recruit Wayne. Do we have room in our salary cap?

6 08 2010
James Hunter

Antosha,
I dont know that TBL would discuss such tawdry matters.
Bit like Fiona who would certainly have such matters attended to by staff.

6 08 2010
martin

I disagree. It’s hardly only the outer west that is guilty of the ‘me’, ‘I’m alright jack screw you’ attitude.

I think it’s a case of their situations being more precarious so are therefore more sensitive to government decisions.

I think Wayne is a libtard tosser.

6 08 2010
James Hunter

Martin,
you could be on to something there. Glebe is one of the recently “Gentrified” suburbs. lots of old terrace houses. typical “two up two down” ,parapet walls. I worked for a company that occupied an old flour mill in Glebe about 43 years ago and it has certainly changed. even the old flour mill is now expensive apartments ,int the original building .
The thoughty of it, three floors no elevator no of street parking and the Harold Park Harness racing track only a few hundred mtrs away.

6 08 2010
martin

Glebe along with Balmain and Newtown has been chardonnay socialist central for at least a decade now.

Yeah ‘gentrified’ meaning it has a bunch of libtards wearing trendy glasses and working as graphic designers.

They wear scarfs and jackets that look like they’ve been bought from vinnies and like to go out and get coffee. Maybe visit a second hand bookshop and look for a copy of one of the classics. They like to have some hari krishnas run through the main street every now and then. They like to get turkish pizza so they can think of themselves as cultured.

Still beats the hell out of a bogan suburb, but soley calling the bogans selfish is incorrect in my opinion.

6 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

Hey, leave my Balmain alone. Besides, I drink Viognier.

6 08 2010
urbanreverie

Balmain was cool back in the 1930s when unemployed workers burnt their “susso cards” en masse – the cards which “entitled” them to collect the means of their existence from the local police station.

Balmain is not cool now. The houses which once sheltered Ma, Pa, four children, an uncle and a grandmother now shelter Mr Pointy-Sideburn with a lime-green tie and a tight sales contract upon which Mr P-S’s prosperity depends upon how many parcels of land swap from one person to another.

(By the way, just finished watching a DVD, “The Majestic” … wondering about your thoughts of it, I’m thinking “Yes, good movie, only because it hits all the right emotional spots; those spots being patriotism and respect for war veterans, and though they might be quite worthy issues, it’s still purely emotive!”)

7 08 2010
Mick

A friend of mine reckons that those pointy-sideburn things are a good indicator of who not to talk to in a bar.

She also uses the Shannon Noll growth under the bottom lip as a sign of the tosser.

8 08 2010
martin

Sometimes I forget to shave that bit and I feel like a huge tosser.

8 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

This is not the case. Mr P-S probably exists in small numbers throughout any inner city area. Balmain, after 18 years here is my community, where my kids have been schooled, where it takes me 30m to walk down the shops because I bump into people I know. As a home area should be. Probably like most suburbs where you’ve settled a long time. Does it contain tossers and chumps? Yup, just like every other burb.

Don’t know The Majestic –

8 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

Also urban, don’t confuse visitors to the pubs n cafs with the residents.

8 08 2010
James Hunter

C.M.,
Are you a little tinsey bit tender about this issue ?

8 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

Ha! Guilty!

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