Things Bogans Like

#163 – Executive Consultant Account Coordination Management

The bogan has always been well aware of the glittering treasures offered by success. Maxtremely fast cars, immediate access to the far side of velvet ropes, and the chance to have massive cans installed in one’s chest or bed. The bogan will enthusiastically announce that it has the talent and X-factor to become a success, coupled with a flimsy ego-preserving clause explaining why it has not already occurred.

But, much to TBL’s chagrin, the bogan’s mediocrity is sometimes short-lived. A few months ago, when the bogan was sitting at work browsing a Fairfax news site to discover which celebrity had allegedly undergone an arse implant procedure, it noticed an advertisement on the side of the page. A job ad, for a “Sales Consultant” role. This is an actual job ad:

Do you love Promotions?! Being on Center Stage?!

we’re looking for 2 fun, outgoing individuals

Do you feel like you are being held back?, Need a new challenge?, Craving a fun team environment?

·  Are you a TALKER?

·  Looking to earn great $MONEY$?

Do you…

The bogan knew that it was unbeatable at elbowing its way through post-Christmas sales, and had the insight to contribute at a high level to this company. While the finer points of role description sounded a lot like its current job, the bogan knew it was ready to step up to the consulting level. The bogan, underskilled shortcutting narcissist that it is, leapt at what appeared to be a golden opportunity to be lauded for being good at being its totally awesome self.

After using its charm, wit, and savvy to secure its prestigious new role, the bogan told its friends that it was now a consultant. Inspired, the friends applied for new jobs too. Within three months, the previously unremarkable collective of bogans had brilliantly transformed into a Business Development Manager, a Travel Coordinator, and an Account Executive. Despite the general lack of increased salary or responsibility, the bogans intuitively knew that it was time to start walking the walk as business elite. There would be boardrooms to dominate, business class travel junkets to enjoy, and more lunchtime Moët than their livers could reasonably accommodate.

This incredibly fast and easy ascent into the corporate stratosphere serves to bring forward a bogan’s mid-life crisis. Not long after, the bogan can be seen driving a flashy convertible, attempting to choke its way through cigars in beer gardens, and conspicuously using the “platinum card” that it is paying $50 extra per month to possess. But like every good expedited mid-life crisis, the flurry of ego-buttressing is eventually halted by insolvency, health problems, and a still-unshakable existential void. Yes, it’s time for the bogan to rise to “Senior Sales Consultant” level, so that it can bully someone else into fetching the morning coffee.