#158 – Party Buses

19 07 2010

The bogan does not like public transport. It will, whenever possible, burn the maximum amount of fossil fuels it can in order to get from A to B, occasionally via L. While it has, over the course of the past five or so years, migrated swiftly into newly gentrified inner suburbs, the bogan has brought its deeply held love of driving any distance more than 200 metres with it. As such, despite now living less than five minutes walk from almost every necessary service, the bogan will drive three minutes to the gym to walk on a treadmill for half an hour or lift weights of Warner Brothers-esque proportions. The bogan won’t be seen dead on a train, unless it’s the first train on a Sunday morning, which it can then advertise to its cohorts in an effort to demonstrate its capacity for maxtreme partying. Trams are for latte-sipping poofs. Buses are barely mentioned. But there is one bus, aside from the Vengabus, that no bogan can resist the lure of: the Party Bus.

A mobile bogan convention of epic proportions, the Party Bus (or in the original Latin, Buseus Boganicus) has become the vehicle of choice of partying bogans with short attention spans who cannot afford a stretch Hummer or know too many other bogans to fit in one. The party bus will take the bogans to many, many bogan venues over the course of four hours, charge the bogan great amounts of money for what is in effect a large, smelly taxi. Irregardless, the Bogan Bus is now home to every conceivable bogan celebration. Of which there are three; 21st birthdays, bucks nights and, especially, hens nights. During these sessions, the boguettes will engage in a variety of thrilling activities, from truth or dare games, to pole dancing competitions, to fake orgasm competitions, all guided by their trusty host, Steve.

No one knows where these hosts go during the day, but they appear to be some kind of supra-bogan. It is as if they were once bogans, but have transcended into a state of pure boganic energy, emerging in corporeal form only to guide confused and disoriented bogans around the CBD to ever more seedy bars before popping last year’s designer drug and trying to nail the hen’s best friend/drunkest chick there.

If you encounter a Bogan Bus in the wild, the wisest course of action is not to turn around, not to run. Instead, resist the natural human inclination to flee, and simply back away slowly until you are at a safe distance; at which point you should calmly turn around and take to your heels. Once you’ve gone, the participants in the maxtreme bogan party session will search for Rachael, who was last seen at Velour Bar with the host, before heading off, leaving her to catch the first train home tomorrow morning.


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198 responses

19 07 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. “Irregardless”. The irony of your choice will be obvious to most, but not all. Can’t wait to see which bogue is first to gleefully call you on it…

19 07 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

It would have been far more enjoyable had it not been pointed out, Fiona.

19 07 2010
Bogue

How bogan, to point it out.

Irregardless, it would be sporting to allow Raechyll and her Hens to continue blowing their penis whistles throughout the evening, oblivious to their ritual slaughter of the English language.

19 07 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. I wanted to point it out before Pinky arrived, thus allowing me the joy of making her squirm AND being able to say “I told you so!”

19 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ Fi

What are you going on about now?

19 07 2010
Sheikyerbouti

There are no bogans called “Rachael.”
There are plenty called “Racheal.”
I’m serious. I know three (work clients).
Spelling isn’t a Bogan’s strong point.
They are likely to have friends called Makaylar, too.

19 07 2010
Will S

I know at least one Raesheal… is that even the same base name?

19 07 2010
pb

sounds more like ‘racial’.

19 07 2010
Shirley M

Party bus in latin is actually ‘Omnibusica Boganicus’. Otherwise, very good. 😉

19 07 2010
James Hunter

and Shirly in latin is Omnipresicus Shirlensicus ?

19 07 2010
Shirley M

No. It’s just Shirley.

19 07 2010
dlew919

Shirley you can’t be serious…

20 07 2010
Shirley M

Oh yeah, deadly serious. This is no place for shits and giggles.

21 07 2010
Chris

I appreciate the reference, even if no-one else does.

19 07 2010
dean

Not many bogans living in my inner city suburb they just arrive on the weekends and drunkenly stagger around like a foul that’s just been hit on the head

19 07 2010
dean

LOL. foul = foal!

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I was thinking fowl Dean. Either is funny though.

19 07 2010
James Hunter

Simon
See you and raise you one.
Foul, fowl , would do it ?

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

JH,

It is foul to foal a fowl!

19 07 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
It would indeed be foul to foal a foul fowl ?

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

10’s all round.

19 07 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
Thank you. Just noticed, It was a full house too .!

19 07 2010
Anna

and after they leave “trendy” Brunswick Street, they do a wee in a shop doorway, leave their Mc Wrappers and empty stubbie all over the ground then drive off into into Bogan Oblivion

20 07 2010
Brimstone

i used to live in Glebe and i saw all the party buses parked at the Harold Park Raceway…

19 07 2010
Mark

Fiona..”gleefully” you fake hipster pleb. I call bullshit on you and all of your ilk.

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Ding, Ding, Ding.

19 07 2010
Bogue

‘Glee’, now THAT’s bogan.

19 07 2010
Sten

Too right. Am I mistaken, or are they going to make a “reality” version of that god-awful steaming turd? If that’s so, then Glee is especially Bogan.

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Do I remember rightly that they did a P!nk special? The world is going to hell in a handbag.

19 07 2010
Sten

I don’t know, mate. Glee is one show where the ads alone broadcast a subliminal message to me (and others, I hope) to instinctively avoid such drek.

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

With you there, the ad sets my teeth on edge.

20 07 2010
vivisection

During my holidays, watching lots of daytime telly, I did see advertised the new P!nk coverband “Funhouse” – of the horror! We could hire them for the TBL end of year festivities.

Another Bogan related highlight was seeing a loud mouth Teenbogue walk onto the plane and announce to her boguette friends and the entire cabin that her ears were popping already. They hadn’t even closed the doors.. Gold.

20 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Welcome back Vivi!! We’ve missed you! MWAH

20 07 2010
pb

i wonder if her ears pop when she goes up stairs.

20 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Were you flying Tiger Viv?

22 07 2010
vivisection

My god, I go on holidays, get back to work and catch up on things and then turn around and find my good self slandered by suggestions that I might have flown Tiger. I am outraged! It was Virgin….

19 07 2010
reparty

Please list these newly gentrified suburbs so I can avoid them. Sounds like a guy I used to work with showing up the Exeter Hotel in Adelaide for drinks in his Windsor Smith boots with his Rodney Rude tour tshirt tucked into his jeans, he’d moved to a nice little cottage in the city because it was close to work and picturesque (and he was a nice bloke), but always needed some subtle guidance……
Funny thing is, now living on the Gold Coast, I rarely see these mini versions of the Jetstar flight to Bali here. They seem to be taken over by the stretch Hummer. In Adelaide, however, they seem to still have that red double decker thing driving around on a Saturday night.

19 07 2010
amr

Could just be Adelaide’s up to date public transport buses still driving around

19 07 2010
Bogue

I beg your pardon, we have two trams at least.

19 07 2010
amr

I know, one of them goes nowhere.

19 07 2010
Bogue

A Mystery Cruise? 😉

19 07 2010
amr

No mystery. A bogue place of worship….the ‘Entertainment Centre.’ Or giant tin shed now with parachute entry forecourt.

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Coming to The Port near you, a tram. Geez things are going to get sophisticated’n’shit out there Bogue.

19 07 2010
amr

Perhaps all those bogue investors at Newport Quays will be able to afford trips into town on the tram instead of just paying off the mortgage of an overpriced elevated shoebox.

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Ok, cancel the tram, the city is infested enough. Newport Quays, more like suckers are us. Urban Construct, selling overpriced crap since 1993.

19 07 2010
Bogue

Closely resembling a low security remand centre, overlooking an industrial wasteland void of useful facilities – paradise.

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I’ve been there and it is soul destroying.

19 07 2010
reparty

Mind you, I drove past my families old house in Norwood…..the old guy next door must have died and no shit, in the space of a year they’ve torn down the old maisonette and erected a fucking two story eyesore. Right next door to the old bluestone house that got torn down 5 years ago and had 2 two level monstrosities built there. AAAAAARGH. Adelaide……how did I used to love thee?

19 07 2010
urbanreverie

Teneriffe, QLD
Bulimba, QLD
Green Square, NSW
Pyrmont, NSW

Mind you, it’s a special kind of bogan – the sideburned salesman spiv kind of bogan, with lime green ties, an entry-level Lexus or BMW on lease, and a “money talks and bullsh!t walks” attitude.

19 07 2010
reparty

Hmmmm….now that I think about those suggestions I can see the light. Although Green Square still seems to be abandoned car yards, factories, and South Sydney Hospital. Teneriffe will always hold a place dear to my heart, where you can visit someone who wants to live close to The Valley, New Farm and the city without the amenities they provide. Just so you can listen to them bitch about how there’s no parking anywhere.
I’m pretty sure in both locales the influx of rate and tuition paying Asian students is to blame though.

19 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ urban

is this a new sub-species of Bogan?

19 07 2010
urbanreverie

Indeed, Pinky. Bag O’ Turnips and I discussed this a few weeks ago.

If I recall correctly, it was BO’T who came up with the idea of the “inner city bogan”, a kind of bogan addicted to wheeling and dealing and property investment and who desires the status that comes from living in the inner city. I had always thought that they were just smarmy yuppie gits with wanky sideburns that were too precisely edged, but it took Turnips for me to see the light.

And Reparty, Teneriffe is just … terrible. It’s not that it’s badly planned, and I love the adaptive re-use of the old wool stores, but the whole vibe of the place is just … terrible. It’s the kind of place where wankers with far too much gel in their hair drive red Alfa Romeos and boast in the cafes about how much money they “pull in” so that the equally shallow female inner-city boguette will be impressed.

Green Square (and indeed the whole of South Sydney) is starting to change, ever since they built the Airport Line and the Redfern-Waterloo Authority was given carte blanche to do as they please (i.e. turn over tough but decent mixed-use working-class neighbourhoods to the development lobby). The old Dept of Defence naval stores, the Leyland factory, parts of the Eveleigh railway workshops, etc. are being replaced with the same oddly-angled glass-and-concrete overpriced holes you find in all the Saturday papers.

19 07 2010
reparty

Myself I blame this new form of bogan squarely on the shoulders of Channel 7. The repeated (and may I add, absolutely fantastic) episodes of Minder on Saturday nights have created Arthur Daleys and Del Boy Trotters without the charm.

19 07 2010
Sten

Ah, Only Fools and Horses… truly, Del is the Spiv’s spiv.

19 07 2010
pb

well channel 7 now has some studios at eveleigh/redfern, in one of those hideous box-shaped buildings so they’re leading from the front.

20 07 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Hi urbanreverie, been busy stockpiling my acorns, as it were, during the holidays from uni.

In Perth, there are several clean-sheet redevelopments on brownfield sites in particular where NaBs lay their trilbies and park their BMWs: East Perth, which is built atop a former gasworks site and full of Neo-Georgian townhouses straight out of (apologies to) Legoland and utterly ill-suited for our sunnier clime; the newer developments of Subiaco, of which itself was the first gentrified area over three decades ago, where on old industrial land Tuscanstrosities vie with hash-jobs of Modernist style for accommodations; Northbridge, where all those apartments have been built over the freeway tunnel, where which once lived migrants and students in (long razed along its easement) run-down modest turn-of-the century semi-detatcheds; and at the Burswood Peninsular, where a couple of modern nondescript apartment towers, of which wouldn’t look out of place in Jakarta or Shanghai, are pitched to that one-and-same audience as luxury residences and all but an inebriated stagger to Packer’s Palace (Burswood Casino).

With exception to the first area, where the only nightlife were derroes milling around Wellington Square and now pretty much devoid of anything after dark, these new developments (employing the selfsame spivs who’ll invariably call these areas home after flogging the other units), they are often sufficiently distant from those elements that were the raison d’être why all the cool people tended to gravitate to those areas, hoping for that patina of cool to transfer to them, whilst not being quite immediately upstairs from the action. As for Burswood, well, there was no urban action before, as it is built upon the site of a rubbish tip and cement works, on the other side of the river from the old East Perth gasworks and powerhouse (of which the latter is still standing, but has yet to be redeveloped into something purposeful).

21 07 2010
ArtieFufkin

I really hate the gentrification of inner suburbs across australia. All it has invited are CUB with a need for property investments to flood these areas with poorly and cheaply built shoeboxes thus they can buy at cheap and rent out to silly bogues who feel the need to live in the city. They bring with them there bogan loud ways or most of them think they need to turn into some yuppie meets bogan.

So many innercity suburbs that were cultural, creative and community hubs have been destroyed by dodgy councils bending over allowing dodgy developers to flood these areas with high density badly built shoe boxes.

I cannot believe how much Melbournes innercity has changed in so little time..i hate the change..and one of the reasons why i left Sydney.

26 07 2010
Lord Boofhead

Whats fucking worse is when they turn around and whine about the noise of the trendy Pub down the road is making!

ABC’s ‘Love Is A Four Letter Word’ said it best, they all move into to the inner city because they want to be Sarah Jessica Parker from Sex In The City. And then whine about everything that makes the Inner City the Inner City…

19 07 2010
Sten

Agreed. Only Green Square is no doubt full of Bogues who work in the transport industry (trust me, I’ve worked in the sector for a number of years, the industry is chock-full of Bogans of both stripes).

I’m sure you’re right about Pyrmont too, being full of spivs and shills.

19 07 2010
pb

green square is full of absolutely nothing – completely barren wasteland.

19 07 2010
Sten

True, at the moment… but weren’t the developers turned loose on the place, or has nothing happened yet? Since I don’t go anywhere near there anymore, I wouldn’t have a clue.

20 07 2010
pb

last time i went through there it was still just a couple of major roads and some light industrial yards. i live on the train line that goes through green square, and not that many people get on or off there. it may be getting a bit more developed, but there’s still not a lot.

20 07 2010
Sten

I wonder why people don’t use the Airport line, pb? I used it once, and frankly, an extra $4.00 to go from Mascot to Central… truly, anything Macquarie gets involved in is a screw-job for the man on the street.

Hey, is the Police impound yard still there? There used to be all sorts of interesting things in there, along with all the noisy machines confiscated from naughty Bogues.

19 07 2010
gordie

Pyrmont too?
eek!
😦

20 07 2010
The Westurbia Guy

Hmmm…sounds like real estate agents to me…

19 07 2010
reparty

Oh, and for those with an iphone, I seriously suggest you get the Radio 5.0 app and listen to the Queensland Police feed, brodcast direct from Logan and Redcliffe. Count the number of times you shake your head on a Thursday night.

19 07 2010
Melissa

Sydney’s BEST nights out!

Thursdays: CRUISE 69
3hr cruise on Sydney Harbour – DJs, dance floors, & drinks!
$30

Saturdays: ROUTE 69 Party Bus Pub Crawl
Transport to and a drink at each bar!
$40

02 8307 0593
http://www.route69.org/

19 07 2010
Shirley M

That looks exactly like my idea of hell, Melissa. But thanks for sharing.

19 07 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. Route 69? But what if there’s less than 69 people on the bus?

19 07 2010
Jubm

Oh wow, I didn’t even get the route/root bit. I was already impressed by the brilliance of using the number 69 in the business name (Bogan Marketing 101: doing so increases profits by 69%).

But that just makes it all the more awesome.

19 07 2010
Chairman Miaow

I still think donkeypunchRus.net would have been better. Or maybe pukeonmytits.com.

19 07 2010
Bag O'Turnips

In CUB Central, there exists a bar called Devilles Pad, which has a telephone number of 9225 6669, of which I happened upon when listening to some commercial station at work: I think that the too-clever-by-half juxtaposition of both triple-6 and 69 within the last four digits of their contact number would be bogan baiting at its best, by both invoking Satanic imagery and throwing in the number which Miss Piggy cannot say, due to her having a frog in her throat (I know, pissweak ol’ joke there).

Funny how the bogan lurves the idea of being risque in its dilettante steps treading those devilish dares; despite this flirtation with danger, they are, as we know, rather moralistic and that they are more evil in their mendacity and mediocrity, than attempting to appropriate the glam of Saaaay-tan!, while pulling the Rocker! symbol with their hand.

Speaking of matters infernal, time to watch Media Watch…

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

If there is no 69 you can always resort to The Stranger.

19 07 2010
Shirley M

There would need to be 70 people on the bus, would there not?

19 07 2010
Claire

That would be “fewer than 69”. Obviously your higher degree in the classics skipped over English grammar. LOL.

19 07 2010
James Hunter

Claire,
Maybe you too missed grammer? Style would perhaps have been a critism, though not one ,in the circumstance , that I would have made

19 07 2010
Glass 'em all

Hey, an Ed Hardy bus!

19 07 2010
Chairman Miaow

A party hardy bus.

19 07 2010
Chairman Miaow

route 69, you’re just too subtle for us melissa. Try the Summer Nats forum or something.

19 07 2010
Shirley M

Actually Melissa, I’m interested to know which bars the bus stops at.

19 07 2010
Chairman Miaow

Not to be picky Melissa, but BEST is inherently singular ie there can only be one BEST, so to call it BEST nights out is just wrong. Try ‘bestest noight out eh’, or ‘It’s the shit’, or… well that’s enough free marketing for you I think.

20 07 2010
The Westurbia Guy

Or ‘It’s the schizzle…’

19 07 2010
Chairman Miaow

Ahh, the party bus. Coming a close second in Syders is the party boat. A memorable Doug Anthony Allstars gig at a wharf theatre one night had us dragged out by the lads on to the wharf as a party boat was cruising in with the disco inferno turned up to 11. On the count of 3 everyone… ‘F&%K off Captain Cook’… something like 200 people yelling at the non-plussed hens was a beautiful thing.

We live not far from where the boats dock to let off the Charlenes and every FRi/Sat night the side road is full of parked lads from the western suburbs hoping to pick up a drunken shag for the night. Bogan biology 101.

19 07 2010
Shirley M

I’ve not seen a party bus in Brisbane, but we have ‘The Island’.

Behold: http://www.theisland.net.au/

19 07 2010
Chairman Miaow

We get the stealth treatment in Sydney. With Hardy’s wine none-the-less.
http://www.stealthcruises.com.au/

19 07 2010
Shirley M

Yep, Brissy has an equivalent of that as well. Wildboys Afloat. *shudder*

http://www.wildboysafloat.com.au/main.html

19 07 2010
Chairman Miaow

Some sensible advice from the good folk at stealth.

Tip 6. Be sure someone is responsible during the evening to make sure all ladies are well hydrated with H2O, no one likes holding anyone’s hair back in public places!

http://www.stealthcruises.com.au/party-tips.html

19 07 2010
Shirley M

Tip 7. Make sure your party girl is dressed for her occasion – hen’s tiara and veil, and make sure she feels a little naughty and definitely sexy – have you included her MUST-DO list for tonight?

Who ARE these people? What’s a MUST-DO list? Get shitfaced and blow at least on of the strippers?

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Does she need to remember her undies or is it assumed they go Britney style?

19 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Number 10 is a corker…hahahah

10. Always remember you can’t always please everyone but know that they will all have a great time as long as there are hot men, dancing and tiddly champagne flowing.

@Chairman

Thank you so much. This is too funny.

19 07 2010
pb

gah at tip 8! ensure not insure! although, i guess humiliating pictures can be insurance of a sort.

19 07 2010
Whistling Nixie

Brisbane also has Sisil’s… I see their red buses all the time.
http://www.sisilsbuslines.com.au/page/party_bus.html
(“Bold Hills?” I thought it was Bald Hills.)

19 07 2010
Chairman Miaow

That Bold Hills group would have been a tough gig for the sizzles driver… a gunt load of wee stops there for sure. Sadly no alcohol involved.

19 07 2010
Shirley M

I’ve booked a Sisil’s bus before. Met the man myself. I didn’t realise that he did the party bus thing, though. He wouldn’t let us drink on the bus, so I was under the impression he was a bit of a party pooper!

19 07 2010
Bogue

There appears to be a vast knowledge of available cruisers on this forum, I’m confused/shocked/impressed at the research undertaken by my fellow forumites.

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Some people here are very dedicated in their research, either that or they are recovering bogans.

19 07 2010
Bogue

Recovering from a weekend party cruise by the sound of it.

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I have not been on a cruise since I lived in Perth where I was lucky enough to do several for work shows (Christmas etc). Maybe I should buy Popeye and set up in business?

19 07 2010
Bogue

Only to stoop to filling Popeye with bogans, blowing it up via remote control, and claim the resulting mayhem on insurance…not that I advocate incinerating bogans normally.

19 07 2010
Bogue

False insurance claims…how bogan of me! I’ve outed myself once again. *crushed can of West End Export on forehead*

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I was just looking to hoover thier wallets dry but if you think mass genocide is the way to go………………. I’m in.

19 07 2010
Bogue

Maybe a more astute purchase would be the steamboat featured in the background on West End commercials…it could hold more bogans, and is already in situ to maXXimise the bang for your bogan.

19 07 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
Beware . I put in a satirical post on the benifits of eugenics last week and had howls of indignation from the right for life types.
They wouldn’t know reality if it bit them on the bum.

19 07 2010
Sten

That’s my job, according to Simon. 😀

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Bogue has been away. He probably does not know of your talents Sten.

19 07 2010
Sten

All good, Simon and Bogue.

20 07 2010
Bogue

True, I’ve been *gasp* busy working! I’ve missed Sten’s musings over the last few months.

20 07 2010
Sten

Whereas I haven’t, Bogue. Redundancy is still treating me well, but I suppose I’d better get back to work if I want to save any of my hard-earned.

19 07 2010
Chairman Miaow

Bogue – Sun Tzu … know your enemy.

19 07 2010
Bogue

Correct…excellent Miaowism.

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

To know your Enemy, you must become your Enemy.
Pretend inferiority and encourage his arrogance.
If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him.
If ignorant both of your enemy and yourself, you are certain to be in peril.
It is only the enlightened ruler and the wise general who will use the highest intelligence of the army for the purposes of spying, and thereby they achieve great results.

All these will be helpfull.

19 07 2010
Bogue

…well, all these, and a pink stretch Hummer.

19 07 2010
James Hunter

A pink stretch hummer with four roo lights mounted on the 3″ chrome roll bar and more whip aerials then a prawn trawler
Maybe two or three pig dogs in the boot. ?

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

JH,

No need to mention boguettes in that way.

19 07 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
Thanks for that now I know why they have their tails docked !

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Not to mention angry if you are putting them in the boot.

19 07 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
Hey they are getting off light. We could be putting the boot in or is it sinking the slipper ?

19 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ Si

BAHAHAHAHAHA….

19 07 2010
Chairman Miaow

Well that’s us fucked then.

19 07 2010
martin

I always feel I have to fake inferiority whenever I go to my bottlo. There’s something about a lot of the bogans who work at bottlos that make them feel that they’re above what they are. Even though they’re just a combination of a checkout chick and a shelf filler. Lots of use of the word “mate” occurs from both customer and bottlo worker. It’s like some sort of sacred ritual, the purchasing of the mass produced beer. The statement that says “I too am bogan” “I drink beer”.

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I wonder if Sun Tzu knew about bogans in the 6th Century BC and was warning us. Monk Bogans = Mogans or Bonks.

19 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ Si
**Round of applause**

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Sankyou.

26 07 2010
Lord Boofhead

Bogans and Mongols share many Traits, they come from the west (if you are Chinese) and tend to trash the joint and nick anything that isn’t nailed down…

19 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ Marty

They are the Gatekeeper to the Bogan Amber.

20 07 2010
Bogue

I purchased a 6 pack of James Squire from my local bottle-o a few years ago, and was presented with a complimentary glass I could “take home to ya boyfriend”. He being a bogan, me being a male, I assumed the glass was complimentary, but the ‘friendly’ store-keep was not. A top effort nonetheless.

20 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Well obviously Bogue you are a poof. Not only were you buying designer beer but only a 6 pack. This is not allowed.

20 07 2010
Brimstone

i’ve been using ‘mate’ and ‘no worries’ since i landed here. they seem to placate everyone

20 07 2010
devil's advocate

Well, I’m not even going to bother with the assertion that drinking beer makes on a bogan, or that beer is something predominately bogans like. Bogans clearly prefer UDLs.

Further, even the type of beer one buys doesn’t say anything meaningful about the purchaser. I drank a lot of tooheys red and vb when I was younger, not because I was a bogan but because I was a uni student and hence fairly broke.

20 07 2010
martin

I didn’t mean to imply that devil’s advocate. I drink beer too. I still hate wine. Wine sucks. Wine *is* for poofs. Haha.

Oh and James Squire sucks. Rough as guts beer for twice the price. Redback is the shit. Well it’s better.

Cue beer war.

20 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

*glass* re wine comment. Beer and wine both have a place in my life depending on mood and temperature. Yes Redback sucks.

20 07 2010
James Hunter

Martin,
Arguing about which beer is best is like arguing about which football team is best. It is both futile and very bogan.

20 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Rugby League also sucks JH.

20 07 2010
Shirley M

Beer good. Footy bad.

20 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Beer good, footy good, both in unison heaven.

20 07 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
absolutely does keep the casualty department full at the weekends.
goes close to taking the blood mug award from road accidents and glassings

20 07 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

In the bogan mind, da, I would imagine that those Woodstock bourbon and cola cans would come before UDLs. Not only does Woodstock and cola come in massive cans, it also provides an excuse for them to “crack a woody”.

26 07 2010
Lord Boofhead

Bogans do drink their beer in a special way. Long necks is one such way. I was once in a bottlo and overheard One boggan say to another, “Lets have a long neck[party, we have done that for a while!”

24 07 2010
The Battlers Prince

God save DAAS…

19 07 2010
James Hunter

I have had the misfortune to get suckered into driving one of these party busses on a number of aoccasions to help a mate out . He had the bus and the booking but on the day no driver. I’m sooooo over it.
wether there are twenty or fourty on the bus there are always at least half a dozen ass holes. guys or gals about the same.
They start the trip at least half shot , they bring enough booze in eskys to start a Dan Murphy’s. then Karoke machine up to maximum volume and the pub crawl starts. at each pub stop the difficulty of getting every one back from the bar,the pokies, the Tab becomes progressively worse.Then the toilet stops always urgent and often as the night progresses barley moments after starting off again. Then the panic barf stop. If the driver cannot stop a 12 tonne bus immediately any where, like in the middle of a round about or freeway then they throw up in the bus and then the driver is to blame.Never the bogan who has consummed Maxtreem amounts of beer and coyboy chasers. One of the “people having fun” goes into an achohol coma all their friends become agro as we wait for the ambulance to come take them off for emergency detox.
The evening is topped off by the drop offs around the streets of bogan suburbia. Directed by people who cannot remember their own name yet all want to give conflicting directions to the next persons home.
The participants say”its a party bus , we can do whatever we want” and they do, with a vengence.

19 07 2010
Sten

Ugh… sounds like hell on earth, James.

19 07 2010
Jaydyn

The Melbourne CBD and South Yarra areas are awash with these things. Anyone know how they’re licensed to drive around with such a setup?

19 07 2010
amr

These things are still going?
I had to endure a night on one more than 20 years ago. I had blocked it from my mind until now. Might have to stop reading TBL now otherwise I might start needing therapy to forget again.
I suppose the same host is still going strong and even more supra-bogan than the young upstarts on opposition buses.

19 07 2010
James Hunter

“young upstarts on opposition busses”
Would that be Fony Rabbit on the federal Opposition Party Bus ?

19 07 2010
Boort

Hi TBL

It’s a bit nit-picky… only because I wouldn’t want our collective knowledge to stoop below that of a bogue ripped on last years designer drug(s)

Buseus Boganicus is the incorrect terminlogy

The rules for binomial romenclature indicate the text should be in italic font, and should be written as ‘Buseus boganicus’ (note the lower case for boganicus)

Where more than one species apperars in a report, you can abbreviate the names – in this case B. boganicus (again in italic font)

19 07 2010
Chairman Miaow

last year’s designer etc. Just to pick nits.

20 07 2010
Bag O'Turnips

@ Miaow

Very clever, me likes!

All those meth scabs…

19 07 2010
James Hunter

Boort,
The Corsa Rodentus is too much for me. Where are my pants I want to go home.
I suppose if from the Islands it would be Corsica Rodentus ?

19 07 2010
Peter

It appears you’re moving forward..,

19 07 2010
Peter

Long ago The “Sydney By Night” bus stopped at Rouges.

19 07 2010
devil's advocate

I wholeheartedly endorse this TBL entry. I was aware of the existence of these buses but this entry, and subsequent user-posts, has given me what I feel is a reasonable grounding in the subject matter and, furthermore, sufficient understanding to be able to recognise and avoid them.

It’s developing my life skills, and really that’s what TBL is all about.

19 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

“The bogan does not like public transport. It will, whenever possible, burn the maximum amount of fossil fuels it can in order to get from A to B, occasionally via L.”

Best opening ever!!!

I’m still laughing…tee hee

19 07 2010
William Shatner pants

Have you fallen off your chair again Pinky?

19 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ William

Maybe. HAHAHAHA

Welcome back dude. 🙂

19 07 2010
Sten

Sad but true, Pinky. I actually have friends who are proud to say they’re too lazy to walk more than 200 metres to buy a bottle of milk.

19 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ Sten

Outrageous.

19 07 2010
Sten

Too right… it’s as if some of them see fuel consumption as some kind of measure of success.

Sad, sad, sad.

20 07 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Hi Pinky, been offline a while…had several night shifts to rake in some much-needed holiday income. The vagaries of mature-aged student life.

Funny how the newer mutations of bogue wouldn’t been seen on a bus, unless it is a tired ex-Transperth Mercedes-Benz with over 1.5 million kilometres (nearly a million miles over 20 years before decommissioning thing them) on the clock, warmed over with a lairy lick of paint, coloured lights and a fu¢k-off sound system that will render them with tinnitus two decades hence.

These venerable vehicles are better suited as baravans, which is a portmanteau of bus and caravan, to perform a lap of National Highway 1, rather than being defiled in the long march towards the end of their service lives as chunderbuses for bogans on a spree. I was fond of the old green-liveried Mercedes O305s, which were built for Transperth between 1975 and 1986, with the last ones just retired from active service…some were in operation for 27, due the previous state Wiberwal wallies not acquiring new ones in the mid-90s for about five years.

Sorry, got all bus-spotter like on you all 😮

19 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Watching bogan chick pretend to pole dance on a bus is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.

The last grape grazing I went to, someone brought along their CUB sister. She was only young and had just move to the “city” (Ringwood, Vic) from some country town on the boarder of Vic and SA. She was a hairdresser and was making a fortune cutting other young CUB’s hair in the latest and groovy style.

Well she got sh!t-faced in the first five minutes of the bus trip. Then it happened, one of the best “bogan in it natural habitat” sightings ever.

She proceeded to gyrate around the bus. This bus was one of those old school double Decker buses so on the bottom level there were “poles”.

Anyhoo, She’s swaying ever so seductively in the breeze out of time with the Armin Van Buuren chill out CD. Some of the male grape grazers had caught the young Femme-bogues eye and she grabbed the pole in front of one of the lads and climbed up it. With a look of horror and not knowing whether to laugh or scream and unable to get away, the young man watched as she performed her mating dance and slid down the pole “mini skirt” at waist and G-string for all to see. She wraped one dimpled leg around the pole and slid down making the ever so seductive ‘skin sliding on metal’ sound and went crashing to the floor.

The young man at the centre of the attention just happened to be my boyfriend at the time. He looked over at me as I was killing myself laughing.

It was 10am. And the day only got better.

19 07 2010
Chairman Miaow

arf, arf. ‘skin sliding on metal’ is a aural imagery that I didn’t need but it gets across the numbing horror of the moment. Douglas Adams had the right idea about hairdressers.

I once sat next to a pole dancer on a plane to LA. Well, she called herself a professional and exotic dancer and she was en route to Paris to try out for the knickers-n-kicks theatre (what the hell is the name of that place??).

I’d looked up as she was shuffling into the seat and I’d just stared at the huge boobs in front of me with cleavage you could drive a truck down. I must have looked stunned because her first words were ‘They’re real’, with a proud giggle. 12 hours. Could have been worse I suppose.

19 07 2010
pb

miaow, it’s the moulin rouge, but i think knickers-n-kicks is a much better name and plan to use it from now on.

20 07 2010
Chairman Miaow

Of course! Lousy movie. Ms Kidman just does not do it for me at all. Sexual attraction is such an inexplicable thing.

19 07 2010
brad

Ringworm is known for its exotic wildlife Pinky i should know having worked at a few of its finer drinking holes.On the subject of pole dancing,i was walking past the “School of Pole Dance” opposite Ringwood station the other week on my way too catch an evening train,when a quite well put together woman,actually girl asconded from the premises almost bowling me over in the process.While getting my thoughts together i innocently followed her fleet-footed progress across the street with my one good eye;only too be shaken out of my semi delirium by two equally young “students of pole” (not as robust as the first poley-more clock face than hour glass) who greeted me with the words-“whaa tha faarck you lookin at ya faarkin dipshit why dont ya faarck off”.Well i tell you usually i would hang my head and shuffle off like a scared little-un,but i thought too myself,”this is a TBL moment and i replied “faarck-off ya scrag or ill glass ya” True story(except maybe for the last bit-i just started speed walking for my train!)

19 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ Brad

**Round of Applause**

HAHAHAHA

I love the made up bit 😉

19 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ Brad

RE: Ringers

This chick had me in stitches all day. She was trying so hard to have a crack at my boyfriend! Too much. I remember asking him why he wasn’t interested in such a deluxe catch? I tried not to wind him up too much as his friends were doing that for me

She also was drinking Cardy from the bottle, which you know is always Klassy. She wasn’t an ugly girl, she just had layer upon layer of maxxtreme make up. I was curious as too how she was going to remove it all. The hair extensions were positively hideous and while she wasn’t a big girl, you know she wasn’t small either but dressed like she was a size 6. The skirt around the waist was a highlight, the fact that she was wearing a g-string a very very lowlight.

Good laugh though.

Better to run away from the bogue banshee’s they hunt in packs and no single non-bogan would be able to fight against them

She would be-cry “Youse wanna daaance wif me?” and I would be in stictches as the poor love had to try and politely say no.

19 07 2010
brad

Im sure she had a great time-“the grape grazin shit was okay,but geez talk about a bunch of straighties on the bus,ay least i got me a free wine glass and leather thingy pouch too go with it”.Scarey shit ,i once went on a tour one year and a guy broke his leg falling down the platform stairs at the toilets-didnt know he,d broken his leg till the next day of course,just kept plying reds and whites like they were free beers at the footy club happy hour.Gotta love Ringers Pinky ha ha.

20 07 2010
The Westurbia Guy

They hunt in packs but head butt singly.

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms
19 07 2010
Shirley M

They are recommended to be worn in every day life. It even specifies the office. Umm, yeah.

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I wonder if James not H would like a pair to wear to his lectures?

19 07 2010
Chairman Miaow

It even tells you how to put them on. With video. Mantyhose indeed.

I especially like the look on the model’s face here:
http://www.e-mancipate.net/-exclusive-for-e-mancipatenet/130-going-out-in-mantyhose

‘I’ve just shat myself and feel another explosive burst about to erupt’

19 07 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

I would rather wear a Che Guevara t-shirt, Simon.

19 07 2010
Shirley M

I think the Che shirt and mantyhose would go together fabulously.

19 07 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

Perhaps with a fetching red and white keffiyeh…

19 07 2010
Shirley M

And no pants. Hawt.

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Would you be more comfortable if we add leather patches to the mantyhose J n H?

19 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Those models must have been hard up for a crust. I think I would resort to porn before this.

19 07 2010
pb

i think most sane people would resort to being in a snuff film before this.

19 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Proof that there is no god. HAHAHAHA

19 07 2010
martin

I agree Pinky. I think I’m going to have to renounce by agnosticism and become a fully fledged atheist. Open mindedness and tolerance just isn’t cutting it for me. It’s clearly just being abused by the world at large. There’s just no excuse for mantyhose! Or Ed Hardy, which these mantyhose seem to be some sort of derivative of.

19 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ Marty

Atheists are more altruistic/tolerant/open minded than any religitard based organisation.

These people need to be put in a padded room.

19 07 2010
Sten

Funny, I always held the notion that Latte is Bogue-friendly, but ONLY if said beverage was purchased at Starbucks or, possibly worse, Gloria Jeans.

I couldn’t picture old-schoolers drinking it though.

19 07 2010
Will S

This was the funniest entry for a while. The vengabus and driving A to B via L were LOL-worthy.

19 07 2010
pb

i was a little unhappy with the reference to the song-that-shall-not-be-named because i fear i’ll need therapy to rid myself of the memory of it again, but the rest of the entry made up for that.

19 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Off topic but a prime example of a brogan

The Age Odd Spot:
Thursday June 24, 2010

“Unable to open the door after flipping his car while drink-driving, New Zealander Paul Sneddon opened another beer as he waited to be rescued because “he had nothing else to do”. “

20 07 2010
The Westurbia Guy

Well spotted! Must say I missed that one…if the NZ coppers weren’t so ripped they would also have noticed he had smoked several splifs…whilst hanging there…upside down…waiting for help…suckin back a ‘broski’…

20 07 2010
The Westurbia Guy

He flipped the fully sicknthat hsv (bro eh?) because his massive can obstructed the steering wheel…couldn’t quite complete the turn…what with smokin a spliff, eating a man size burger (with at least two massive patties…and bacon), texting, answering a call, photographing himself and adjusting the smooth choons on his maxxstreem sound system by remote control…

20 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ Westurbia

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I had similar visions in my head while laughing! HAHAHA Oh just priceless.

20 07 2010
miss dahl

I realise I’ve arrived late to this one, but I know these people!!!!
(a) burn the maximum amount of fossil fuels it can in order to get from A to B
(b) wouldn’t be seen dead on public transport
(c) living less than five minutes walk from almost every necessary service, the bogan will drive three minutes to the … (insert shop, gym etc)

oh, the pain of it all ….

20 07 2010
Tracy Rimjaw

I had one of these party buses on my bucks night, imbescile bogan mate thought he’d be smart and pair us up with a hens night (on the same bus) to ‘save money’. Fucking hedonistic horse bangin’ skanks decided to lose all their inhibitions and were flashing their soupy tits at as many cretonish on-lookers as possible. Thank fuck I couldn’t remember anything and there were no incriminating photos.

20 03 2011
XXX

“Fucking hedonistic horse bangin’ skanks decided to lose all their inhibitions”

You obviously don’t get out much. That is the way young women are these days. They behave like that all the time! It is also the reason my 17 year old son already prefers young ladies who come from cultures where the girls are brought up better.

24 07 2010
The Battlers Prince

Wouldn’t “Party Bus” in Latin be “Pulor Omnibus”?

30 07 2010
johnintardis

Have you seen some of the people on public transport…… Dirty smelly unwashed 😮

Where is the EEK idon

8 02 2013
franz chong

Not me Personally but my mum has and it was horrible.She even sometimes encounters them at either the Wine shop or the Supermarket to the point she wants to quickly get served and out of there in a hurry.

30 07 2010
johnintardis

I mean icon

20 03 2011
TURBO

Fuknslapperbusses-vomiting sluts screaming and screeching at anyone etc etc – it’s digraceful bullshit and a good reason for bogan selective IEDs – I cringe upon having the misfortune to cone within 500m of these horror mobiles – I sincerly hope the driver is on $750K or more.

20 03 2011
XXX

They are only one step down from the hummer limos in my books. Hummer limos for wedding, funerals, formals – you name it! I cannot think of anything more bogan than hiring a hummer limo for a funeral – the height of bad taste and disrespect. Oh, that’s right, Roberta Williams rode in one to Carl’s funeral – nuff said!

13 08 2012
franz chong

I have been on one of these in Cairns some years ago They take you to all these party clubs every weekend.A ball of fun if you ask me.No I am not Bogue I just like a good time.

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