The bogan has spent the week carefully analysing its horoscope, footy fixture, and navel lint. As a result, it knows with utmost certainty the precise date that the Federal election will be announced and conducted. This is not from any awareness or political savvy, but the ability to regurgitate page two of the Herald Sun. Ignore the bogan. Moving right along…
The bogan is moving on up. Steppin’out. Possessing a deficient regret gland and an absent self-assessment lobe, the bogan doesn’t look backwards. And unlike many grazing quadrupeds with side-mounted eyes, the bogan looks forward. The powerfox knows this, and is acutely aware herself of the imperative to move in a forwardly direction. Because while the bogan may refer in passing to existing policy or historical precedent, it is really only concerned with what the government is going to give it next year. And low interest rates. Thus, upon whisking KRudd from stage right with a particularly long walking stick, various members of the caucus (referred to by Liberal-leaning bogans as ‘factional warlords’, implying Vin Diesel-esque levels of vascularity,) decided that they needed a better catchphrase than ‘programmatic specificity’.
Thus, the powerfox and the government decided ‘Move Forward’ was a phrase that could deliver optimum bogan traction. She deployed this during her speech at the Lowy Institute, called ‘Moving Australia Forward’, saying “Australia is a country that wants to move forward”. This can be interpreted as “The ALP does not want to be scrutinised for anything that is has or has not done since it was elected in 2007”. While the bogan insists on not being responsible for anything that it did in the past, it is quite happy to retain ancient grudges for things that were inflicted upon it, so Julia is attempting to distract the bogan by sprinkling glittery clichés across the horizon. With the ALP at the wheel, forward-moving bogans can be reassured that Australia will be steered firmly in the direction of forward.
This is bound to cause voluminous talk about just how far forward things will be moving, and the many bogan-friendly things located directly forward from here. Like most things said during elections, the bogan understands this to mean that it will get something from the government soon. Despite its incessant, whining insistence that it wants the country to be debt free, and the fact that it owes Harvey Norman $16,000 for a TV that only fits in the formal dining area. Perhaps, the bogan muses, the government could take a leaf out of the bogan book, and just use its Westpac credit card to pay off its Commonwealth Bank credit card. Maybe this is why the bogan expects the government to deliver budget surpluses, and also pay the baby bonus, allow negative gearing, keep coughing up the first homeowners’ grant, offer a tax rebate on school uniforms and books, and reduce the crippling and unjust tax on billionaire miners. This election, the bogan is looking forward to moving forward, and the powerfox is at least one step ahead of it.