The bogan likes ACTION. ACTION in every part of its life. ACTION so intense that its unruly sugar-infused child simply must have ADHD. It follows, therefore, that its political leaders need to be ACTION heroes. The only problem with this, is that the Australian political landscape has been ACTION-free since Mark Latham’s ACTIONS were declared too maxtreme for the ALP. Kevin Rudd was a nerd, Malcolm Turnbull a self-satisfied banker, and Julia Gillard is shacked up with a former hairdresser.
Earlier, a young man was studying to be a priest at the St Patrick’s Seminary. In a moment of clarity, he strode out of the seminary, and seeing that he was situated in the suburb of Manly, he realised his true calling. ACTION. Tearing off his robes, Abbott revealed a rippling and hirsute body, clad only in a triangular aquatic loincloth. He would tell people of his earlier career in boxing. He would become a firefighter. He would conquer oceans with his bare hands and a swimming cap. He would be the ACTION hero that the bogan could believe in. In fact, when he needed to scare bogans about Invading Communist Muslims, he promised to take ACTION with red arrows.
It follows then, that when Julia Gillard was revealed as his election opponent in 2010, Abbott would respond with ACTION. Not resting on his previous ACTION laurels, he created an ACTION CONTRACT with the bogan to underpin his credibility. This ACTION CONTRACT features liberal smatterings of Abbott’s signature, with a 12 point ACTION PLAN to crush Labor’s budget debt, destroy wasteful policies, crunch the mining tax, hammer illegal immigrants, slaughter carbon, smash criminals, and terminate dole bludgers. The bogan impatiently awaits a range of ACTION figures depicting Abbott taking DIRECT ACTION on anything that the bogan does not like.
To the bogan, the signature is of crucial importance. When Abbott appeared on channel 2 sometime and said that he was always lying unless he was reading off a piece of paper, the bogan, in an example of the mental gymnastics only it is really capable of, decided to laud Abbott’s honesty. So now that he has applied his John Hancock to each of his 12 ACTION PLAN points, the bogan is certain that these are gospel truth.
This is ideal for the bogan, who will never read the ACTION PLAN, nor ever learn more than one of its 12 points. All the bogan needs to know is that its Prime Minister will look after it, protect its codified rights, and deny those same rights to desperate illegals arriving by boat. The bogan dislikes illegal things, unless it is doing them. When confronted with disagreement, the bogan will simply refer to the action plan, and go back to watching Masterchef. Unfortunately, by polling day, the bogan will forget this ACTION CONTRACT ever existed.
Liberal Score: 5 A-Team Episodes out of 10