The bogan is thought to derive 72% of its night time xtreme energy requirements from massive cans. The remaining 28% is attributable to last year’s designer drug, pre-mixed drinks, and an as-yet unexplained consequence of the Lynx effect. But what about during the day? Sure, there’s Boost Juice, but that’s all the way down at the megamall. The bogan craves something hardcore to fill the corroded divots in its stomach lining caused by its diet; a way to rebuild itself more awesomely than ever.
Much to the bogan’s relief, there exists a breakfast cereal made out of little bricks. Something so xtreme that it can turn a bogan from a leech on society, into former iron man Guy Leech. On the sporadic occasions that the bogan male will eat breakfast, it’s almost certain to be Nutri Grain. This so called “iron man food” excites the bogan immensely, as its favourite movie of 2010 is Iron Man 2, a movie that offers the familiarity of a comic-derived sequel, sick special fX, and Scarlett Johansson’s train derailing curves clad in a skin tight action suit. Yes, a breakfast that will turn the bogan into Iron Man 2 is just what the bogan wants. The bogan pauses to contemplate who has replaced Guy Leech for the sequel, but quickly shrugs and gets down to eating its mega manly Nutri Grain.
At the other end of the cereal market segmentation scale lies Special K. The male bogan knows that this is the most pissweak way in history to fill a breakfast bowl, and is likely to cause instant ovulation even to an alpha male like the Nutri Grain devourer. Nutri Grain is packed to the max with protein, carbs, and energy, making it trillions of times better than even the next best cereal. Do not tell a Nutri Grainer that the girl food contains 98% as much energy, 90% as much protein, and 2% MORE carbohydrates, because it will trigger an identity crisis that will eventually place great strain on the public health system. On the same note, do not inform a dieting female bogan who pecks away on Special K that it’s pretty likely to turn her into Iron Man 2.
Just leave them be.