There is a long, prestigious roster of ridiculous items that the bogan can be convinced to purchase. If the bogan is thirsty, it will not merely drink water, it will crave a boost juice (actually a smoothie) or a functional water (actually cordial). If the bogan wishes to leech some cultural cachet from the bloated corpses of Bach and Sinatra, it will try to illegally download some Andre Rieu or Michael Buble (actually a Canadian dwarf), before realising it doesn’t know what a torrent is, and buy it at JB. Of course, the bogan wishes to get fit and lose inches (never centimetres) off its waist, so it spent years embracing the Assmaster 5000 or some other nonsense. But in the modern age, buying strangely contrived exercise equipment over the phone seems a bit antiquated. The savvy bogan wanted to move beyond late-night exercise tools, and complement it with something state-of-the-art.
Nintendo saw this and Nintendo acted. Add to this illustrious list of amazingly pointless products, that in combination account for 40% of the Australian economy, the Wii Fit. By the time the bogan saw Delta Goodrem and Olivia Newton John spruiking this marvellous new way of losing weight and getting smart without moving or thinking, it was already hooked. With the Wii Fit, the bogan discovered an incredible new means of being ridiculous. And loved it. By the end of 2009, 800,000 Wii Fit consoles had been sold to bogans across Australia, as they realised that by standing on a plastic platform watching television and barely moving, it would lose weight and tone up.
Now, while the bogan is busily not consuming carbohydrates through a straw, it wobbles unsteadily on its cankles, looking for all the world to be swatting imaginary flies or some such, as poorly animated characters move at random on a five-second delay on an 89” plasma screen. Having justified a quick return journey to the McDonalds drive through without having broken a sweat or leaving the confines of the McMansion’s lounge room, the bogan can then work on increasing their Facebook IQ score by exercising their under utilised grey matter on Big Brain Academy: Wii Degree. Here, the bogan engages in arithmetic and problem-solving tasks aimed at eight year-olds, and sits back smugly when it manages to outscore five year-old Rylan. This Wii thing does make the bogan smarter. Oh, and fitter too.