The bogan does not like wine. Wine does not come in a ready to drink can, it does not require the addition of fruit, grape varieties have foreign sounding names and wine glasses are terrible for glassing folk. Unless the bogan has ascended to Carey-esque heights of boganity. There is, however, one exception to this rule…wine tours. On a wine tour, the bogan is instantly transformed into a knowledgeable and enthusiastic wine buff, a connoisseur of all things viticultural, a regular James Halliday.
The tour starts early, departing from a shopping centre car park at 8:00am. Hungover and cranky from the night before (despite explicit instructions to stay off the grog for a night), the busload of bogans stop at maccas for a sausage and egg mcmuffin to line their respective stomachs for the day ahead. Three Beam and Colas/Vodka Cruisers and a few choruses from Sex on Fire later, the group arrives at the first winery on a tour of the six wineries in Australia they have heard of.
After a quick tour of the winery itself – in which they quickly become bored and start asking “when do we get to drink wine?” – the restless horde of bogans descend on the tasting room like one-legged seagulls on a burnt chip. Greedily scanning the tasting notes, the males in the group immediately demand to taste the winery’s reserve $100 2001 shiraz (the one with ‘NOT FOR TASTING’ written after it), while the females ask the exasperated winemaker if he makes any Marlborough Sav Blanc.
Angrily settling for wines actually available to taste, the male bogans then try to outdo each other, carefully examining their glasses, sticking their noses ineffectually into their glass and repeatedly swirling their wine until most of it ends up on their designer jeans and searching their limited lexicons for adjectives in which to describe the wine. Having managed to come up with adjectives ranging from “fruity” to “white” and “red,” the bogan sneaks a glance at the back of the bottle before loudly commenting on its “young body” “minerally nose” and “hint of cinnamon.”
While this argument takes place, the female bogans chuckle conspiratorially with each other as they speak of how awful chardonnay is, in the belief that this confers the requisite level of wine snobbery onto them. This continues until the sommelier points out that the last three glasses they each gleefully put away were the winery’s three most recent vintages of chardonnay.
After sampling the winery’s entire range twice, the bogan refuses to purchase any wine. When politely told he’s had enough, the bogan becomes angry and unsuccessfully tries to glass the sales staff. The bogan is not adept at brandishing a fluted glass in anger, preferring the predictable squatness of the pint. Remembering that he thinks wine is shit anyway, the bogan retreats to the safety of the bus and the more familiar taste of pre mixed drinks and soothing tones of Caleb Followill.
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TBL, you have provoked some powerful, accurate and hilarious imagery with this entry. I love it! However, you’re wrong about wine in a can:
http://www.wineinacan.com/
There’s also this delightful business:
http://twitpic.com/424xw
!
Words escape me. Honestly.
My God, it’s Bogue-tastic, Shirley!
The imagery is so wrong …
Vomit in a bucket more like. Looks like a kiddies energy drink.
LOL. I assume the yearly tour I do through France with Sommelier is excluded. This is a statement, not a question.
Do they have to hose the minibus out when you’re finished, Fi? I think that’s the critical difference being explored here.
LOL. No, I assure you, Chauffeur does not have to perform any such task.
Do you just have one chauffeur that you take everywhere, Fiona, or do you have one per continent?
LOL. I have two, and only two in total. One (or both) travel with me, depending on where I go.
Fi, Has chauffeur ever gotten himself in such a state that he made a pass at you? Just wondered, because last time (or probably the time before that…) I was travelling abroad with a female companion, our chauffeur became so emotionally overwrought that he made quite a fool of himself with her.
Miss Dahl,
No disrespect to your friend but the thing is you see ,Fiona is a ” Lady of the Realm ” . This makes it impossible for a mere Ladies Driver to be at all personal. Unless of course he is in reciept of a clear and explicit request. That is entirely a different matter and is the sort of thing that is never discussed in common company.( The company of common people that is)
I trust that this explanation assists you and please understand that i make this explanation of my own volition purely to save Lady Fiona the distastful business of explaing matters of a tawdry nature.
LOL. Oh dear James, very well expressed – well, so far as yours can be, given your unfortunate condition, which I shan’t mention.
Fiona,
Thank you…thank you.
I shall ponder long and hopefully ,meaningfully,in an attempt to detetmin which of my conditions of the social, financial,profesional and medical kind you may be refering to.
Your best wishes to the success of this pondering I am bold enough to accept ,albeit prematurely.
I’m going to have to stop reading the comments section before too long. Fiona’s droll postings are becoming tiresome and a bore.
Time to come up with some new material or give it a rest…
Just scroll through Notortious, that’s what I do, don’t tar us all with the same brush. Please….
*Notorious – sorry :(
bravo.
well Notorious
Fi makes better reading then your carping
But James in all fairness…your opinion is from a person who hangs stuff off his cock.
Mr Hunter… aka ‘The Towel Rack’
Albert has a point JH..Does it hurt? Ouch…
well Pinky, Antosha and Albert :
I only hang things like a slab of beer( Please Note it is not “Lite” beer ! ) from the four rings in my scrotum. People who hang things from their Prince Alberts end up doing a mischief!
Does it hurt? well in a word, yes.
But not like some one who runs till they get a stich in the side or a woman in child birth . and there is a lot more doing that kind of serious shit !
JH,
HAHAHA your so cool. LOL
Pinky,
Thank you, thank you
bows waits for the appaluse to die down
Thank you and good night .
Pinky,
I try never to take myself too seriously, I believe there enough others doing that !
Fiona of Toorak (09:20:04) said: LOL. I assume the yearly tour I do through France with Sommelier is excluded. This is a statement, not a question.
Oh god, mainlining goon attached to a camelpack while hitch-hiking with a smellier Frenchman is counted as wine tour now? No wonder bogans like it. I weep for the future.
A. A wine glass can be used to glass somebody, especially if hurled
B. there was a thing in the Herald’s Good Living yesterday about the canned wine people claiming they’d won wine awards… Good Living reckons it’s dodgy
and where do goon sacks fit in? bogans and lads and kids drink them
Good point re the goon – or Fruit’o’the Pillow.
I went through a mad, reckless saving period last year, when I thought I could drink from the silver pillow to save a few $.
As it emerges, I was wrong.
my dad knows about wines and reckons that in Aus even a $10 bottle is decent… i’m pretty broke, so it’s good to know. apparently Aussie wines have a great reputation, here and overseas
beer, too… i’ve never even tasted American beer. don’t think i’m missing much
if i’m so broke i’d drink goon i’ll just grab a longneck instead
America, due to having different tax laws to Australia, has a plethora of excellent microbreweries that produce some sensational beers (but obviously hard to get a hold of in Australia). Americans see Budweiser similarly to how we see VB or New – cheap shit that is only acceptable for getting pissed off.
As for wines, good winemakers can make a drinkable wine out of pretty much anything. It is possible to get a decent bottle for $10 if you search around.
It’s worth trying the odd cleanskins wine (no/simple/generic labels) that usually go for less than $10 in most largish bottle shops.
Many will be pretty ordinary, but some can occasionally be very good indeed – I understand that sometimes wineries wish to dump unsold/excess wine without diluting the brand, and it gets released this way.
I have bought some excellent cleanskin wines. It can be a gamble, but I happen to enjoy the lucky dip nature of the purchase.
Not even a hard search Tom, there is many a good drop. I know this because I have been broke most of my adult life (read: Kids) so I am well versed in buying good “cost effective” wine. :D That and my step-mum use to own a vineyard. :D
yeah The Dad said that too
Tom,
Bottlos round the Hunter here have good cleanskins for round the $5.00/$6.00. Partic some Merlot and Merlot blends,for my taste.
ALAS…
A decent bottle of vino would set me back at least $30 – $40 in my part of the world…
There’s some awful Chilean stuff available in the supermarkets.. but it’s akin to gargling with engine coolant.
I’ll stick to the 500 ml locally brewed beers for 80 cents a pop.
Over in Sweden grog is so expensive that there is an urban legend (not sure as to its veracity) that alcoholics put folate into methylated spirits to denature the methanol in it.
Tom,
we are so fortunate in Aus the “Methylated ” spirit is actually straight ethanol. It is denatured with something like mercaptan to give it a bad smell and taste.
Arn’t we lucky!
ALAS !
It worries me Mr Hunter that you know of such things!
The bums here don’t have to worry about the poisonous effects of Methanol.. one can purchase a 500ml vodka bottle in the supermarket or corner store for 3 or 4 bucks.
No way I would touch it though.
Antosha,
Well you see PETER mentioned it in one of his monologues one time !
Sounds like Brazil, a bottle of 1,000 ml Stolly was about $3.20 USD !
I heard in Sweden (where alcohol is very expensive) gay guys soak tampons in vodka & insert them into their sphincter for an instant high. Anybody else heard of this?
T.M.,
I have heard of it but you can get a pretty quick effect by taking “Pure Polish Spirit” which is 140 Proof and hold a mouth full for as long as you can… repeat to effect.
The alcohol is absorbed very quickly by the mucous membrane in the mouth.
enjoy
Thanks James. Sounds more comfortable than inserting tampons into my rectum. ;o)
Whoo boy, you’re right about the Polish stuff, James. One whiff and it’s like New Years Eve!
Why do you assume it would only be gay guys? What about straight guys and women?
Also, wouldn’t the alcohol being applied directly to something as sensitive as the rectal wall BURN LIKE THE CORE OF THE SUN?
Oh, James Hunter, a couple of minutes to two and you finally surface. Just another night at home last night then? Bargain hunters stand by. If there’s one thing James Hunter knows about is where to get the cheapest (and nastiest) booze. He needs to, he shifts about 3 imperial quarts a day.
Brimstone,
You can pick up a lovely bottle of Jamison’s Run on special for $10 it’s usually 15. The 2005 is superb.
Oh, Le Chateau Cardboard, always a false economy. And you have to carry it home. The shame
We’ve all been there Vivi. Sometime ya gotta do what ya gotta do. :D
If my brother and his girlfriend come around for drinks, they usually bring a 5 litre fruity lexia and bottles of sprite and V to mix it with. It’s always dreadfully embarrassing when they don’t finish it and a more civilised guest spots the box in the fridge. I keep it, however, to offer my mother in law when she comes to call.
Noice.
May I suggest expanding the M-in-L drinks menu to include Sparkling Mango and a splash of Stone’s Green Ginger.
And, naturellement, Italian champagne.
Suggestions noted and added to shopping list.
LOL. PLEASE tell me they refer to the lexia as “fruity elixir”. :-)
I’d like to Fiona, but alas, they refer to it simply as ‘goon’.
Shirl M,
So you know what it is like when you have goon too far?
I’m a leading authority on gooning to far, James. Many years have lapsed since my last episode, however memories like those never fade.
LOL. What IS gooning???? I’ve never even heard the term before.
Best not to know, Fi. Trust me.
LOL. I’ve learned so much about the lives of you lesser people, but perhaps the overarching lesson is that the more I learn, the more I realise there is to learn.
Fi,
When you come visit the Hunter Valley I take you where you can experience it yourself. Probably somewhere close to the John Hunter Hospital would be good.
Fi,
The “goon”. It pre dates you.
Almost nothing is sold in flagons anymore. The cheaper end of the marke having fallen to tha Australian invention the Cardboard Cask as I am sure any of your staff would be familiar.
Yes, Fi, I have often heard Bogans brand Fruity Lexia with that appellation. Well, usually Fruit (sans “y”), but close enough.
I never fail to chuckle inwardly.
LOL. I must confess to having overheard one of the lesser people talking about “spaltese (sic) elixir” too.
Viv,
if they drink enough they dont get to take it home !
There are some decent goon wines. Try a Morris ,”Pressings” red and a DeBortalis, “Merlot” both more then decent. De Bortalis do a range of decent white and reds sall in cardboard.
I served free Goon at my 21st … ALAS.. so long ago..
I thought at the time ‘I’m supplying decent beer, so if anyone wants wine.. they can make do with Goon..’
Footnote: My opinion of ‘Decent Beer’ back then was Carlton Cold, Hahn Ice, and XXXX Gold…. ALAS….
A bogan acquaintance once turned up at a BBQ at our place brandishing a “madnum” of “Italian champagne”.
Hands up, who’s for an Asti Riccadonna?
Oh, how we tittered….
ewwww
Haha, Riccadonna. The height of bogan sophistication.
Isnt he a soccer player ?
Oh, dear God, Tombarina… you’re bringing back some awful memories of my underage drinking days. I’d usually bring a six-pack, or some kind of white spirit… the 15-years old private school girls we used to drink with would often bring along Spumante (emphasis on the first syllable), or (choke!) Passion Pop.
After I turned 18, I’d hurry on past the bottleshop near my local train station, lest the larval Bogues accost me and ask me to buy them some Passion Pop or West Coast Coolers. Keeping the change was seriously not worth the derisive stares from the staff and other patrons.
We private school girls were all class, bahahaha.
I once bought a case of passion pop one under-aged night.
Noice lol-plates!! In my time at my private girls school. We loved UDL’s and a bit o pop of passion…which was NOICE. HAHAHA good times, unlike bogan’s we grew up and stopped buying it.
Oh TBL, you have hit the nail on the noggin with this particular one I live in a well-known wine producing area and can attest to everything in today’s post. I still recall with a wry smile the day I was visiting a local winery for lunch and hearing the strident tones of a femme-bogue insisting on trying the “red chardonnay” that she was adament existed…. I had to leave the room to gather my composure.
I used to work in hospitality, and as such have attended many a wine tasting. I was informed by a mutton dressed as lamb, sodden bogue wench that the Sem-ill-orn was to die for. True story, kids.
“I live in a well-known wine producing area ”
New Zealand?
LOL. Chile.
Fiona, if you’re going to call me Chile, please at least put “Honey” in front of it. With a southern twang.
Syble,
then that be Chile , sweet chile, Chile.
Fi
if you like Chilen and Argentine wines it is worth flying to south america with Airolinas Argentinas They serve a bottomless glass of red and white and Very Decent quality it is too.
In my experience wine drinkers are, to use TBL’s words, “fruity”, “white” and sometimes “red”.
Who said the well was dry…? Having lived in the Barossa Valley, this is another very insightful observation, TBL.
Case in point: the Barossa Gourmet Weekend was a brilliant food, wine and music festival, with almost all wineries participating, where you could enjoy a nice wine, a small serving of gourmet food, and listen to a local jazz band playing discretely in the background. You head to one winery, stay for an hour or so, buy a decent bottle or two, and move on. Sounds pretentious I know, but due to the fact that most that came had a genuine appreciation of what was on offer, the atmosphere was very relaxed and welcoming.
Then the bogans arrived by the busload, all utterly smashed on West End Draught (blokes) and cheap vodka mixers (girls) that was consumed in the hour-long drive from Adelaide, and it completely changed. Because they wouldn’t actually buy anything (why, when there was “free” beer on the bus?) and generally made a messy nuisance of themselves, a lot of the fantastic smaller wineries pulled out. Jazz bands turned into attrocious rock cover bands, and the food went from gourmet to the sort of mass-produced garbage you’d buy at the footy. The atmosphere changed from one of appreciation, to one of intimidation, almost instantly. As soon as I was almost beaten up for accidentally bumping into someone on the way to the toilet, I knew the end was nigh.
I used to really love these kinds of festivals, but the bogan has ruined it for me, forever.
That’s what the bogan does, Jason. Ruins stuff.
see also: Jazz in the Domain
Bogans do jazz?
bogans do anything if it is in the domain. they think it’ll be just like carols by candlelight.
I use to go to Grape Grazing, in the Victorian wine region, it was awesome, similar to Jason’s description, the story finishes similar to what Jason said as well.
So what I’m hearing is, this is happening all over the country? How utterly depressing.
We must do something to stop this bogan menace, before it’s too late.
Sadly and apparently so. I use to look forward to Grape Grazing every year, I love red wine (white turns me into a screaming angry heap that no one likes) and thanks to my french background have been able to enjoy and appreciate wine from a young age. There’s is nothing to look forward to now, only being felt up by some bourbon swilling boob who thinks that I find him dribbling all over me attractive and “sweet”.
I am so depressed…
Maybe we could organise a TBL exclusive wine tour, no bogans or your money back.
Yes, even here in the West, nothing is out of bounds for the bogan to spoil.
On the first weekend of October, we have Spring In The Valley, in Perth’s Swan Valley wine district. Ostensibly, it’s all about fine wine and bespoke foods being on display. But alas, it has been colonised by minibus-loads (as well as stretch limos and Hummers for those who cleaned up at the moines) of drunken sh!ts in their Sunday best, making complete goons (pun intended) of themselves, ruining it for those who want to simply make a day of the carnival atmosphere it may have originally had. I went once with a couple back in ’04, never went there again. Ugh. If I want to sample the undoubtedly fine produce on offer, I go on any one of the other 51 weekends to avoid these said f***knuckles.
Pinky, not only the Yarra Valley Grape Grazing Festival, but the Macedon Bud Burst Festival as well, have been over run and ruined with bus loads of drunk bogans who wouldn’t know what a good wine tastes like. “Yeah, nice drop that!”
If they actually buy any wine to take home, it’s only one bottle and the comment is “That’ll look good in the collection”. Please note that the bogues wine collection consists of 5 bottles in a small wine rack that can hold a dozen bottle, sitting proudly on display in the lounge room next to the fireplace that never gets used.
**sobs heartily**
Breaking News: I just read that the McLaren Vale Sea & Vines Festival this year will have…a beer tent.
A little part of me died inside reading that.
**cries even harder**
Stop it Jason, you’re killing me.
I suspect that next year will be the last year us Adelaide folk can enjoy the Crush Festival before it gets hijacked by bogans.
I recently visited Prague and Mrs Antosha and I quite accidentally stumbled across quite a quaint little wine tasting event on the hillside in the center of town.
Approx 3 Euros for 5 glasses of wine.
Made a nice change from all the beer (I think I gained 5 kilo’s in 3 days) and there wasn’t a bogan to be seen!
Hey Pinky i used too go to that too but knew the end was nigh when one year a huge brawl broke out in the bus area at one of the wineries.The whole fesitival turned into “just another Sunday Session” might as well be at The Geebung.The Yarra Glen races were a good option on this day.
Just like music festivals, eh?
Tragically, this is a common theme, Jason.
Queensland’s Granite Belt has an annual Apple and Grape Festival, which used to be a celebration of the marvellous produce and Italian heritage of the area.
The event was then discovered, and appropriated, by bogans. It has henceforth been known as the Grapple and Rape.
In all fairness…..I worked with a girl from Stanthorpe who said the thing to do was quit school at 16, smoke hooter, and get pregnant to some dude who picks apples from time to time.
the word is “huta”.
thankyou.
Not if its a Camberwell Carrot – then its hooter!
Camberwell Carrot!
LOVE that movie!
Hahaha oh yes “the camberwell Carrot” brings back some very fuzzy memories.
Vivi, you didn’t work in. Cafe in camberwell Vic many years ago? Oh I hope so!!
baffled
It’s from the movie ‘Withnail and I’. An absolute ripper from the 80’s starring Richard E Grant.
this is how out of the loop I is Shirl! Must look up movie… :D
aaaah…
remember the fillum but not the line.
Are you sure they’re bogans in that photo? I can’t see any Ed Hardy gear…
(I think you’ll find a lot of the wineries use those little plastic ‘glasses’ now, for insurance reasons. Wimps.)
Matching purple cowboy hats are an unmistakeable boganic identification tool.
That is so true about the cowboy hats Shirley.
I was dragged along to a bbq at my uncle’s place years ago and my auntie’s femme bogue daughter in-law wore a lime green cowboy hat.
Crass to the max and kept talking about the winne-bagel as a mode of transport/accommodation.
Hilarious to this day!!
Winne-bagel! That’s a fine malapropism if ever I heard one.
Winne-bagel!
*giant coffee snort*
ouch….
That’s the problem, Mick – their disdain for jazz is overruled by their love of consuming alcohol in large groups.
That’s the common theme in the blog. No matter where the bogan goes, or what events it attends, it’s only EVER a backdrop for drinking in groups. The bogan knows nothing about Wine, Jazz, Thailand, Horse Racing or even ANZAC history. It just wants a new backdrop for the same idiocy.
The corollary is that it never experiences anything beyond the flashing colours and marketing slogans associated with these places, which can give the rest of us a certain satisfaction/relief in the face of things being ruined by them!
bravo Will.
drunkenness is the sower of all true boganism.
the pursuit of drunkenness the hallmark.
But everyone I know gets drunk in groups
perhaps it’s the purpose
i get drunk at music festivals and gigs to get more into the music and get rid of some of my inhibitions
bogans just go to music festivals to get drunk
roger that.
I only seem to get drunk by accident…
so yes, none of us stands alone, but we are supported by the weight of the crowd around us.
I have expressed a previous proclivity for psychonautics, so I’m not usually drinking for effect, it just happens sometimes. :)
or bogans get drunk to go to music festivals?
Maybe that’s why they stand out. They’re leathered a lot earlier than I am.
Getting drunk is the first and foremost motivation of the bogan. The first thing they do when they get to a music festival is buy up big on drinks tickets. And they’ve probably already started drinking before they arrive. I personally don’t really drink at festivals. Can’t be arsed lining up with a bunch of shirts off sweaty neaderthals wearing stubby coolers on their wrists and sluts in bikini tops, gosford skirts and cowboy hats in order to procure a VB in can for a criminal amount of money. I’m there for the music. And the drugs. But mostly the music.
Shirly M
Im with you, other advantage of not drinking is that one subsequentally does not have to line up for the privaledge of yusing a filthy toilet.
I’m usually reviewing, so i need to be sober enough to remember/take notes… but not too sober that i’m the boring guy in the back with his arms crossed. I hate that guy
so for festivals i pace myself
there were a few gigs – Bronx, Eddy Current, Angels – where i just said ‘fuck it’, got smashed, and moshed. you need that sort of thing sometimes
Yeah then vomit in the spittoon.
Ew. Thanks Bruce – needed that.
Hilarious article folks! The wife and I usually do our trips to Wineries mid-week*, so I’ve never seen this thing in action, but can well believe it. We have done a weekend or two and have been lucky I guess.
Up in the Hunter there is a festival called the Lovedale Long Lunch, which I’m told by one of the winemakers saw 20,000 people go through their winery in a single weekend the last time this was held. We avoid it like the plague but it really must shift a few bottles, otherwise they wouldn’t do it surely. Maybe these folk are more from the CUB spectrum, and wish to conspicuously outspend the previously served bogan.
* Highly recommended. The cellar doors are quiet. The regular, involved and knowledgeable cellar door managers are in (not the help that some especially smaller wineries hire to do the weekends), and sometimes the winemaker themselves will be at the counter. The tasting glasses are always glass, and generously filled (not that it needs to be). Occasionally the cellar door staff will wander away to grab some museum stuff for tasting, or pull some fresh out of the barrels for tasting and comparison purposes, especially if you are a regular visitor. They like wine just as much as you do and love sharing it.
When are we going Benji?
We would both seem to have kids… So you probably understand that we don’t go as often as we once would :-(
I hear you Benji, :( but that’s what grandma’s are for. :D
Off topic Benji,
What kind of coffee grinder do you have? I am in the market for a new one and need a starting point. I’ve looked at Isomac et al; but look at the price tag and wonder if it’s worth it.
Your insight into this dilemma will be muchly appreciated :D
I bought a cheapish breville (about $150 or so IIRC) about 9 months ago. It was on sale at a local shop. Here it is on Amazon, complete with mostly favourable reviews.
http://www.amazon.com/Breville-BCG450XL-Conical-Burr-Grinder/product-reviews/B000MDHH0Q/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_helpful?ie=UTF8&coliid=&showViewpoints=1&colid=&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending
As long as it’s a conical burr, is adjustable, and can grind fine enough then you’re probably good. There were no cheaper alternatives that could grind fine enough for espresso that I could find. Chopper style “grinders” don’t do anything resembling an even grind and are probably not worth a look.
Previously I used a bog standard hand grinder, but that was a bit slow; but no complaints on the quality though!
Like espresso machines, there are stupidly expensive ones too. I’m not terribly convinced that there is that much more to be had going more expensive, besides bragging rights.
My espresso machine cost $150 about 8 years ago and is still going. Simple, but gets the basics right (temperature and pressure) and I cringe in fear of the day that it dies. You don’t need to spend a fortune to get a decent coffee IMO, just know how to get the best out of what you have.
Maybe I’m not big enough of a wanker; might need to work on that…
Anyway – good luck.
Benj, on the offchance that your expresso machine shuffles off to the big cafe in the sky, take heart – Choice recently rated coffee makers.
Number one was a $329 jobbie from Sunbeam. A Breville cheapie came in at 2, and 3 was a $200 Sunbeam. Waaaayyyy down the list were the $1500 ones.
I’ve just ordered the top-rated machine from *gulp* Harvey Norman, as they have it on sale for $247. From memory, the model number is EM5600, if you were looking for a good value backup….
Good news – thanks!
Benj, I have a sunbeam – cost about $600 – mainly because it’s red. However it has been a good machine to date – I had cheaper breville that cost about $450 before that – NEVER again – always clogged, spluttering etc . The Sunbeam has been good to me for about 18months so far.
Thanks Benji, I appreciate that. I have a Rancillio Coffee machine after we used an abused a couple of sunbeams. Best thing I ever did was to get a really good machine, never fails to make a really good cuppa. I looked at their grinders, passed out from the shock of the price, look at some others, felt poor, thought of you!
So do you think $100 mark is reasonable? Keeping in mind the extremely high consumption of coffee that resides in the Palace of Pinkelstein. :D
Amazingly my Espresso machine is a sunbeam. One of the early thermoblock thingies, and it still works beautifully. Perhaps I’m just lucky. The stuff I make is still much better than things friends have made on much pricier machines.
As for the $100 grinder – Depends – which one is it? Got a link? If it’s one of those grinders with a grinding disk rather than a cone, you may be disappointed; they rarely grind fine enough for espresso. YMMV.
Here you go, P!nky – Choice’s top 8 from 14 tested (less than 12 months ago):
DeLonghi KG100 $179
KitchenAid Artisan Burr Grinder 5KCG100 $379
Breville BarAroma Coffee & Spice Grinder BCG450 $200
Sunbeam Café Series EM0480 $219
Isomac Professionale $280
Krups GVX2A2 $160
LaPavoni Jolly Lusso V.230 $495
Rancilio Rocky Doser $599
A friend has the Delonghi – works great. Nice to see my choice in there.
Forget the domestic grinders, go for the smallest commercial grinder. A Mazzer Mini can be bought for around $450 new and is worth every cent.
Conical grinders are really only of use in high volume cafe’s. If you can’t adjust the grind on the Mazzer you should switch to tea.
I love me Cillio!
Mr Pinky and I have gone through 3 sunbeam’s. And blown the pump on all of them.
The Cillio can be serviced, parts can be replaced rather then the whole machine (unlike Sunbeam)
The first Sunbeam lasted me about 8 years or so. The second 12 months, the third 3 months, replaced it, then the replacement lasted 3 months.
I don’t care if I’m a wanker for having a Cillo, it’s well made, has a commercial pump and commercial head and being on one income, we can’t really afford to be splashing around $150 bucks all the time for a beloved coffee.
@ Gregbie
I looked at the Mazzer and ummed and ahhed but I think I should have gone with my gut.
I’d rather buy something once and have it for a long time.
THANK YOU EVERYONE as always your awesome.
MWAH
When I make the step up from my ole stove top, I am getting a machine with a commercial basket/head (having worked at a roasters and cafes I can’t have become a coffee wanker)
Folks have got one wicked coffee, but it is harder to use than a home unit and can cost serious money.
Used to be able to get ones with Peugeot mechanisms, like the peper grinders and motor cars. they worked well and lasted for ever. dont know if they still around.
rancilio.
grinder and machine.
make great coffee and impress friends and strangers with the shiny monster.
costs waaay too much, but you can definately spend more if you want on more exotic apparatus, so you don’t look like a complete tool.
that’s how we chose anyway.
make sure you have the loader on the grinder too.
mine was worth every cent Chubby. I’m not out to impress anyone, I just want a good coffee. I’m a bit obsessed with it, but I worked the Melbourne Cafe scene for many years and have always loved my coffee.
Unfortunately, I have never had the money to really get into it, untill recently. I know it sounds wanky, but I get so much out of it.
Aren’t I sad little creature.. :D
How are you Chubby? How’s your trip going?
It depends on the cellar door. Bogans only go to the massive corporate winery cellar doors, so the little family owned wineries are safe. Case in point: when we went to the Grampians a few years back, we had the choice of two wineries that were across the road from each other: Seppelt Great Western and Best’s. We chose Best’s, as we’d never heard of it and it didn’t look maxtreme – Seppelts looked like a factory rather than a winery.
Well … best choice ever. Ended up buying about 2 dozen bottles of some truly sublime wines, including a 2003 Bin 0 Shiraz. As we were the only people there, we got a nice individual tour of the winery (including the bit built in the 1850s) by the dude at the cellar door, and we even got sent home with some free bottles that had been opened earlier in the day but would probably end up being chucked as it was nearer to the end of the day and it had been a bit slow. So, we ended up with about 1.5 bottles worth comped … which is what got consumed that evening.
Cool story, bro.
I’m originally from that area and I agree that Best’s is a great winery. Next time you’re around that region Tone also go and source out some wines from Mt. Langi, Clayfield, Montara and Fratin Brothers vineyards. Mt. Langi shiraz is a very nice wine, try any year in the early to mid 2000’s but especially the 03.
My bogan wine moment of shame…
A few years ago in Cape Town some mates and myself decided to walk up Lions Head. At the top this girl introduced herself as a producer for a South African tv series on wine. Her and the presenter of the show were waiting for a helicopter to film the opening shots and asked us to mill about with the presenter and look like people of culture. No worries.
So helicopter arrives, does a few circuits and thanks and smiles were in order. It was only afterwoods that I realised I was wearing a shirt that I had bought at some maxXxtreme safari lodge. All over the back in giant yellow letters was the saying “GET A LIFE”.
I’m sorry South African wine people.
You’re making it very hard to forgive you, Mick.
Taffeta.
Forgive I say – we’ve all done things we’re ashamed of.
Ouch!
*hangs head in shame, suddenly finds urgent things to do elsewhere….*
Sorry.
Just to even things up a little – I’ve thrown up on a bus, and successfully blamed someone else (ie the drunker person).
That’s not the thing I’m most ashamed of either.
Benji. I threw up on a bus after attending a wine convention with my little brother. He was so proud of me.
Awww. That’s sweet.
Benj,
never tasted it myself ,would have thought it sour.
’tis only as good as the ingredients.
I witnessed the proud moment of my sister in-law chundering on herself in a bus, when it went over a bump.
I will never forget the smell and the spray of chunder as it bounced off her chest.
Edna,
Your absence was noted.
Do you ever wonder at the marvel of the human body.It is capable of putting carrotts and tomatoe skins in every chunder no matter how long since you last consumed them !!
Mind you I have it on good authority that an Hawian pizza makes a tasty mess.
Yes Mr Hunter, I have noticed the carrot and tomato skins in every chunder and I have wondered. What I also think is really funny is the chunder that sets off other chunders. What starts as a solo act of blowing chunks turns into a room full of heaving, moaning and chundering.
Edna ,
You think perhaps the smell has sometging to do with it?
I have noticed this on the ferry to Kangaroo Island in very rough weather. those down stairs in the warm and soon as one starts the rest are into it.
Mean while I stay up on deack enjoying the ride and the clean salt spray !
The family that throws up together stays together.
the family that voms together bonds together.
sorry, i’m glassing myself for that bad rhyme already.
The family who barfs together laughs together.
The family that chucks together … ah, maybe not. Not on the mainland, anyway.
poetic genius there, shirley.
yep like chunder to a blanket
I said sorry.
However, with merchandise like that for sale it does prove that SA does have it’s own bogan types.
Boergans?
I’ve never been able to like wine so I’m with the bogan on this one. Except I wouldn’t go to a wine tasting thingy unless I was dragged along. I’d rather hang out with bogans in a pub than a bunch of wine tossers.
Alchohol is for getting maggoted. Wine is for putting in a casserole to make it taste better.
heathen!
Martin,
Go and sit in the naughty corner please and THINK about what you just said.
**Give evil mother stare**
Lol. Yeah I have thought about it.
Recommend me some red wine?
Martin,
Wine is one of the most important things in life. I have posted here a website for a wine wholesaler. Sign up to him and you will get a monthly list of specials etc with recommendations. Does great mixed dozens which is a great way to try different styles and see what floats your boat. Hope this helps.
http://www.winedirect.com.au
Martin, I’m not very keen on wine either… admittedly, I’ve never really given it a go, but if I do, Merlot is usually the go. It’s red, but quite mellow.
I find Jamison Run is a good lable, not too heady but warms you up a little. There Sav Cab is adorable as are there blends.
Hardy’s special reserve is also a nice drop on the lighter side of the sav cab/ merlot is generally soft, and is a really great place to start.
If you go to a boutique wine shop, the people who run them are usually very keen to suggest a good drop.
I say give it ago, a good wine makes the bogan’s less painful.
I don’t think I’ll bother and just stick to beer.
Is it a grape thing? I mean do you have to really like grapes to like wine? Because I’m not mad about grapes either.
In the classic sense? Then yes, I suppose so. But in every pre-1980s homebrewing recipe book I’ve read, there’s usually a few recipes for some more unusual types of wine. The one I’m most interested in making one day would be blackberry wine. I love blackberries and could only imagine the final product to be delicious and quite intoxicating.
I also am not mad about grapes.
I agree with Martin on this one – I am a beer and whiskey man myself.
However, given that I do not particularly like the raw ingredients involved in the production of either, I would argue that the grape thing has little to do with liking wine.
Agree there James. I don’t think you need to enjoy grapes as a fruit to love wine, just be a person of taste and class who appreciates the finer things in life.*ducks to avoid thrown beer bottle*
I wish I had read this before I went on my first (last) wine tour last year!
It sounded so civilized: a tour of several wineries as well as a cheese and a chocolate factory and gourmet lunch at one of the wineries. We were picked up first at 8am and had a nice chat to the bus driver until we reached the next pickup location. This is where it started to go horribly wrong. We collected 10 or so people, one of whom tried to board the bus with open UDL in hand (by this time it was 8:15am) and another of whom was missing several teeth.
Perhaps the worst thing was that in our first chat to the bus driver, he came across as a well-read, witty guy who really knew his wines, but when the bogans boarded he assumed the ocker, swaggering bus driver role. Presumably, this was to avoid appearing “up ‘imself” as they became increasingly drunk and unpredictable.
By the end of the tour we were cringing up the back of the bus with a few other couples while the rest slurred loudly through “That’s Amore” and “Khe Sanh”.
off the topic but too good to resist: http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/women-as-young-as-18-going-overseas-for-cosmetic-surgery/story-e6frf7jo-1225877242721 and her name’s ambah.
PB
WTF!!
I can’t and wont comment on her being a young mum, I was one too. But this woman who says she’s “the perfect candidate for surgery”. Where did this woman get her qualifications? The university of “life” I suppose.
The only thing this girl is a perfect candidate for is Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)
Although, I will counter point that young Ambah, is a bogan and lacks any brain to have any kind of disorder.
PB
Can I put this on the FB page..? I’ll cite you! :)
go for it.
Done ;) FB page is good, but lacks the edge of the blog. My opinion of course. :)
The first, and most obvious, thing she could do to improve her appearance is to ditch the pig-ugly boots. From the knees down, she looks like a llama.
So, to recap, we have the clearly vaccuous and unfortunately-named Ambah, borrowing money (36 months interest-free?) to get new pink bits. I do hope they comes with vajazzling.
*come*
*self-glass*
Once she’s got her flat tummy, bountiful boobies and designer vagina, she’ll be able to go out, pick up some Jayden or other, get knocked up and stretch her bits out all over again. Bless her.
Heh.
So she really is “the perfect candidate for surgery”. A repeat customer.
hahaha.. yeah. I wonder if she’ll get a discount the second time round?
maybe something like those cards some cafes have – instead of your tenth coffee free, maybe your fifth boob job can be free?
So how does she afford it? Even Malaysian plastic surgeons charge in the four figures for procedures – for a single mother at 18 – is she an heiress?
maybe “hairless”
Ambah has borrowed $13k from a friend. She has an eye for a wise investment, that one…..
That’s one generous friend.
The investment will grow right befor their eyes !
I think the mentioned friend maybe “Centerlink” ;)
I thought the investment might mature to 3.0 Kg at 9 months ?
6lb 10oz for the grannies there; erh, probably more like for the great grandma, as nanna was likely to have gone to school in the age of Metric (Aus changed to that system mostly between 1972-77)
There is nothing worse than when somebody brings out those cut glass goblets that look like a prop from an old Hammer horror movie (showing my age). A nice Riedel for me on a special occasion or a normal wine glass any other time. Sounds wine poncy but for me it makes a difference!
Good dvd to get is Keith Floyds ‘Uncorked’ Its all set in France but Floyd is on form for a change and he and his wine expert give out some useful info and you get to see a bit of the French countryside
Riedel is the most bogan glassware you can get. Case in point: http://www.riedel.com/index.php?article_id=212&clang=0
Sure, they spelled it wrong, but if you want a maxtreme wine glass, Riedel have just what you’re after.
Wow.
To be fair to Reidel, I think it only proves that they have savvy marketing folks.
Do Ed Hardy do wine glasses? I read somewhere (here) that they did wine.
Imagine if Ed Hardy had a cellar door. That would make for an interesting research visit.
Maybe not yet, Benjamin, but if the Bogan is succeptible to being fleeced in that manner, it’s only a matter of time.
Mmm… $400.00 bottles of Chateau D’Antifreeze…
Benj,
They did,and probably still do Mrs Hunter was advertising and promotions assistant to the MD at Incorporated Agencies, the importer in the 1977 to 1980 sort of time and they found the people who spent the most on quality glass wear, dinner sets and knife sets foer example were in the western burbs, places like Blacktown. Double income and no hugmongeous mortgage, no three kids in private school and two chevrodores in the drive not a porsche and a merc. They had the aspirations and the cash.
Interesting… Thanks James.
“Gourmet Glass Concept” BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh…hahaha
I used to sell Reidel many years ago, people would be so insistent that other glassware/crystal just didn’t make wine taste the same. Personally, I find a Brokenwood 1993 tastes just as good in a pyrex tumbler as it does in any of the Waterford stemware.
Miss Dahl,
Was that from Incorporated Agencies? Thats where Mrs H used to work.
Any way, If you were to drink quality cask wine you can take it out of the box and balance it on the shoulder and drink straight from the spigot.
At least that is what PETER says is the way to go and I figure he would know. Im Sure PETER will fill us in on the finer points of this method when he settles in for the nights exertions.
I’m not familiar with Incorporated Agencies, but give my regards to Mrs H, anyway. As for quality cask wine, well I gave that up at least a quarter century ago… and if cask wine is the custom at Peter’s house, then it isn’t my business to say anything, unless, of course, he invites me over and serves it to me!
I havew helped a friend out on some occasions by driving his bus for wine tours out of Newcastle.
This posting is sooooo true.
Not all but most. They drunk when you pick em up they have a couple or more eskys full of beer and passionfruit crusers. Then the bar b que then interminable piss stops on the way back with a dozen or more giving conflicting directions to the next drop of point. High lights are the karokey turned up so loud you cant hear the poloice siren and idiots blowing whistles in ones ear , just for fun.!
Im soooo over it.
i’d be hoping you get paid bucketloads to deal with that, jh. your friend must either be very strong-willed or completely insane to do this as a proper job.
completely insane
That sounds Ghastly Mr Hunter…
On a trip back to New Holland (not to be confused with the Dutch East Indies); ex-Miss Antosha and I embarked on a tour departing from The Rocks to see dolphins and whales in Jervis Bay. Not a single bogan on board.. and the bus driver was a very friendly chap.
I take it the bogans are far more interested in the winery tours than they are in spotting native wildlife or visiting national parks?
The only wild life they hunt is size 10 in size 8 Levi cut offs and similar
This must be some other Jervis Bay…
they talking about the Jervis Bay on NSW south coast where the Naval bbase is.
I spent 22 years in SA and cant recall if there is one down there?
Indeed Mr Hunter… the big Jervis Bay.. in NSW
(I am a littel old school.. I sometimes refer to Oz as New Holland)
Off-topic (although it still involves alcohol) – am I alone in finding the whole Sex and the City thing is bogue to the maXXX?
I am SOOOOO sick of Seabiscuit and her sidekicks. I fail to see why seemingly rational women suddenly need clump together in braying packs to watch this unmitigated shite en masse.
Three times now, I’ve been asked “how would you like to come along”. About as much as I’d like a rectal probe, I imagine.
Tomba,
The love of Sex and the City is baffling to men and bogan as f*ck. I think it is insulting to women but they seem to find it empowering how the men treat the women like crap on this show. My slight knowledge comes from the fact my wife loves it, and she is normally an intelligent lady. I have to leave the room when it is on because I can’t resist making snide remarks about horses and sluts.
LOL. I didn’t mind it. It’s good to see how the lesser people live.
Fi,
*speechless wanders off muttering to self about lack of standards etc and kicks cat*
LOL. It’s my equivalent of you watching a documentary on African tribesmen.
No because African tribesmen have class and are interesting.
LOL. Well, perhaps you’ll agree the common factor is the difference in social standing.
No,No,No,No,No!
Don’t tell me Phil Gould’isms have infiltrated this blog !
From our Agent-at-Large in Adelaide, of all places? I’d be VERY surprised. Shocked, even.
Who is Phil Gould?
Interesting. The tribal folk have a certain nobility that you seem to lack, Fi.
aaah.. cat kicking..
should be an Olympic sport !!
Antosha,
more fun then cat kicking is
“take one AK47 or M16 and thread cat over the pointy end, aim and fire”.
This form of cat missile is of the “fire and forget” type.
The design of this weapon is not registered and may be copied or adapted by third parties.
Animal cruelty – the apex of boganry!
Too true, too true. Those harpies have less character and integrity than a tapeworm… indeed, I would rather endure the privations of a tapeworm infestation than countenance such Bogan mind-slop.
SATC 2 is what happens when the film’s effects team go way too far with Photoshop. None of them look nowhere near their stated ages (i.e all well north of 40) and usually one, at that stage in their lives, would struggle to look like that, even when augmented with makeup (applied with cement mixer and trowel, natch) and/or plastic surgery.
Makes one almost hanker for a time when judiciously applied airbrushing was what it took to modify one’s visage in the printed form and when makeup could only go so far when shooting on gelatine emulsion. I love digital, but equally despise it too, when abused so flagrantly.
Always hated it. I watched an episode with the then-missus, under protest, I might add… then mmbled something about housework and sidled out of the room. What dross this whole SATC thing is. Those women are the picture of everything wrong with Western society.
Seabiscuit… nice one Tombarina… might have to nick it.
Can’t agree with you more Sten…
ALAS.. even the Russians are lapping it up.. I thought they had more class.
Even Russia has it’s Nouveau-Bogues, Antosha. They were probably more apparent in the 90s when the Mafiya (sic) were buying up ex-government-owned companies for a song. A joke springs to mind, which could easily be adapted to ‘straya:
Russian Biznissman 1: How do you like my new tie? It cost me USD$500.00!
Russian Biznissman 2: Ah, my friend, you’ve been conned! You could’ve bought the same tie at the place over the road for TWICE that!
Sten,
Zounds like “funny bizzness “
Zounds, James! Indeed, from I have read on the subject, Russia’s transition to Crapitalism was funny bizniss from head to hoof.
Indeed Mr Sten – that’s a well known joke in these parts… and quite apt !!
You should see some of the Bogues here… I saw a quite new Porsche 911 the other day… spray painted with some undersea / dolphin / blue type mural over every square centimeter. Ghastly.
Of more concern was current Mrs Antosha saying ‘wow.. that’s cool!’
That’s really disturbing… about as disturbing as clown sex. Still, there was a similar thing I saw recently which really made my want to cry and vomit at the same time… a Ferrari of some sort painted in some kind of terrible Hello Kitty scheme.
“Clown sex”? I nearly fell of my chair reading that. A vivid combination of many childhood nightmares.
Me too, James. I don’t think I have ever before visuallised clown sex, now every time I close my eyes that’s all that’s there. I guess I’ll just have to make my minds eye clowns more sexy. Thanks, Sten.
Arse-clown sex?
You’re very welcome, Shirley. Feel free to use it amongst your acquaintances and chortle at the reaction you get!
James
If that is the case you realy should tell us all much more about your childhood.
I was terrified of clowns, JH. Add that to my recurring nightmare of walking in on my friend’s parents doing things that I didn’t (at age 11) think were possible, and in my mind, that is what Sten has described using the words “clown sex”.
i was petrified of the concept of Santa. Something about an old, overweight man breaking into my house and creeping around in the dark while I slept just didn’t go over too well.
I still am. To my way of thinking, anybosy who isn’t scared of clowns is the sort of person who thinks juggling five chainsaws while drunk is a good idea.
That is the spirit in which the simile was intended, James. Indeed, when I dragged it out at the Pub on Wednesday night, one of my friends was rammed into petrified silence… but my brother laughed and said he could just about picture it. I’ve always had doubts as to his sanity though.
Oh, and just to prove the Internet knows no bounds to its depravity, I give you:
http://www.clown-porn.com/
Seabiscuit is my gift to you, Sten. Use it wisely, my child.
Aw… thanks Tombarina! I missed you in my absence. I am of course happy to reciprocate, should any of my vitriol so take your fancy.
i’m proud of the fact i’ve never seen a full episode. i saw bits and pieces – often the last 10 minutes or so while waiting for six feet under to start afterwards, thanks nein for putting the good show on so late at night – and hated every second of it.
Imagine a show where 80% of the alleged jokes are bad puns and you have an idea of what SEX AND THE CITY is like.
It’s like being caught in a Kathy Lette fever dream.
A kathy Lette Fever Dream is certainly a very bad place to be in.
PB
I haven’t even seen that. I saw an interview with SJP for a whole second and was like “WTF?” My girl friends have been saying “Oh I love Sex In The City, you should come over and watch it with us” “Erm..PASS”
I’m sure with the money they spend on this absolute shit (that insults women to an all new level) could probably eradicate AIDS in Africa.
The thing you have to remember about SATC is that it is made by a marketing company not a production company. The advertising is sold & then the show is written around it. There are a number of these shows appearing & sadly will probably be the way tv shows are made in the future.
Of course… product placement is a vital tentacle of the trashmedia kraken (with props to the TBL crew for that fantastic mental image)… right up there with soft news and attack journalism.
There was some other post where we got onto the topic of SATC2 – can’t remember which one (one of the bogan bribe watches?), but myself and others all aired our grievances there, and I believe it was SD that posted a link to the most spectacularly written, venomous, fantastic, hilarious review EVAH!
oh yes! that is such a fantastic review. here it is: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/burkas-and-birkins/Content?oid=4132715
That is the single most superb piece of venom I’ve read….possibly ever. Thank you, Shirley. Thank you, SD. Thank you, PB. Above all, thank you, Lindy West.
You truly do rock. And I salute you.
Cheers pb, for doing what I was far to lazy to do myself. :-)
My need to jezebel every other day led me to find the review. I think Lindy West went to some kind of reviewer heaven where she was feted and idolised for all of one week for the best review – evah.
Her other reviews are good too, like if you want to be gender neutral and all she got stuck into Transformers too.
The Stranger has been having a good run – this week some poor Af-Am child was sent home for smelly hair due to her “Olive Oil Moisturizing Hair Lotion”. Cue column from dad and explosion of comments.
All I know of wine tours is I went on one for the tourists. A friendly Aussie bogan bloke took us around the wineries and said – down with the French and their wine snobbery, drink the $5 bottles , a lush fell asleep on my shoulder and the bus driver drove us insane droning on about property prices for each goddam suburb we passed through by way of “commentary” – yes Mr. Driver we really really wanted to know which suburb to buy into.
Hilarious – they all dress up to sit in the dark!
As Borat said, “I always thought it was about three prostitutes and their mother”
It’s the number one movie watched on the weekend, which has finally confirmed to me that australians in general are just trash. How many things get popular in Australia that the rest of the world has dissed? ABBA, MADONNA* etc etc.
*Madge was ignored by the rest of the world and holiday slowly drifted into obscurity until one Molly Meldrum picked it up and played non stop on countdown. The rest they say is history. Same goes for ABBA. Australians managed to make a eurosong winner popular not once, but twice. See priscilla for the second coming of ABBA.
ArtieFf
Realy my dear chap, any one who finishes a statement with ” ECT ECT . ” ,is a bogan. ect, ect . is only used when you have run out of facts and ideas. It is meaningless PADDING.
Asside from that You have a very good point !
Oh, James Hunter, you clearly are one of the world’s heavyweights come to when confirming a writing style. Laying around on a couch all day in some God forsaken dust bowl West of the Hunter Valley (aka the Valley of the Trolls) clearly gives you a decided edge on all things literary. Oddly though, when I mention you name to any of my many friends in the print media (eg at the book launch I attended last night celebrating a new publication entitled Alan (“The Red Fox”) Reid no one – that’s not one – has ever heard anything of you. You go, Tolstoy’s toyboy!
Ah Ha, The Kraken Wakes.
Mixing wine with orange juice is popular with the boguettes as well, then declaring “I like wine, but I just don’t like the taste.”
Fi, you could try this while you watch SATC.
LOL. Good Lord no. I can’t imagine what Sommelier would say. Or worse, do!
@ Valo
HAHAHAHA yeah I remember that, as looked in horror as my cousin added homebrand OJ to my father’s Moet. HAHAHAHA loser
On the side.
I got stuck behind a 4WD yesterday with testicles on it. Very bogan.
Worse still is hey presto, I’m looking around the web and find this!
http://theworstofperth.com/page/8/
And then I takeit further and find this site!
http://yeehaa.net.au/shop/index.php?main_page=featured_products
Oh my…
I don’t know whether I should laugh or cry…Why would any one want one, let alone have the idea to manufacture these things…and at such reasonable prices. Tempted to buy one, just to make sure it’s true…
I see TBL’s own Bag’o’Turnips rates a thumbs-up. Go Turnips!
Eeeek – sorry, the above should have been under http://theworstofperth.com/page/8/
I’m not aware of Turnips having any vested interest in stick-on latex nurries.
Absolutely no vested interest in truck nuts whatsoever, Tombarina. Except that the car featured was a Torana (ultimate old-school bogan chariot) and given that my parents drove one back in the day, it gave me an excuse to rattle off a shedload of automotive haiku.
We are fellow travellers (certainly in the perjorative sense!) at The Worst of Perth and cast a critical eye over all that is lamentable about the Most Isolated City with Over A Million People on Earth, and how that seems to affect its citizens, especially in the mindless parochialism and sense of entitlement that comes from mineral wealth: did you see Gina Rinehart with a bullhorn? What a prat. The coming insurrection of mining magnates and their cashed-up bogan minions, bleating away as if they were victims. Bah, humbug to that. I’m one of those rare Sandgropers who doesn’t believe that WA could make it on its own, in the idea of secession. Sure, we got a wuckin’ huge quarry, along with some other primary resources, but we have SFA of any meaningful manufacturing (or even processing) capacity…even QLD and SA (in its nowadays diminished state) has more than us.
When China can no longer depend on American, European and yes, Australian (most clearly at the personal level) indebtedness to further consume their manufactured output, we in WA will especially be rooted, due to our (in my sincere opinion, rather obscene) dependency upon raw minerals. Hence the prattling about a super profits tax; sharing the dividends for the national interest is an alien concept to too many West Australians. But then again, what did you expect from the only state that had someone from the Wiberwals unseat a sitting Labored Member, as well as picking up another ALP seat vacated by a retiring MHR? It shouldn’t surprise you that those seats, Swan and Cowan, are CUB and “Li’l Aussie Battler” heartland. Ignoramuses. Philistines.
Oh, I went of on one of my bloody tangental rants again…bloody bogans. Wreckers of the true ethos of the “fair go”.
Very true.
I liken West Australians to those city kids who don’t know that milk comes from a cow. The whole concept of growing a cow, milking it and then growing another one when the previous one is empty is a foreign concept to them.
They think they have an eternal cow-god type entity who just puts milk in the fridge for them with no effort.
bravo Sir.
and
hear hear!
Nice one, Turnips. I become nearly incandescent whenever that mouthpiece for the fatcats appears on TV with his bleating.
They’re lucky I’m not the PM… I’d seize the mines on principal. Spolied rich bastards. Howard’s long gone, get used to it!
Try dealing with the schlubs at an in-store wine tasting…..’Is that all I get? Got any sweet red?’ Was down the Hunter a few years back for work, and the poor woman at the cellar door explained that they had to put a sign out the front…”No coaches and no football teams”
Best however is Two Hands wines…first up their Tyre Kicker red as a tribute to those who fart around, and the next is the policy of $10.00 to taste. Totally refundable upon purchase of any wine, and that includes the moscato. So, to try the $17.00 sweet to the $120 shiraz in the appropriate clean Riedel, you get a nice package. Just watch the bogues beat a Benny Hill exit when they see the fact you have to pay…..once again not reading the fine print fucks them.
Which is a bit of a bonus really. Watching them try and argue there way out of it,,,hahaha Then bitch and moan as they hand over their hard earned Tenna, about how only pooftah’s drink wine anyway. I get some pleasure out of knowing that.
Goon bags? They call them ‘box monsters’ ’round ‘ere.
Also when did anyone eat Micky D’s to line the stomach, I thought it was Big M’s…
as usual, I’m too late to offer anything of worth…
but when did that stop me?
wine is like anything else, one gets what one pays for pretty much.
we remain parochial as adelaideies; there are the Clare, Barossa and Eden Vallies, the Maclaren Vale and NOTHING. as far as wine goes.
you’re entitled to your opinion.
We, like Benj, only go on the weekdays, and we find cellar door folk are pretty happy if you don’t try and be a tool. spitting rather than swallowing will establish one’s credentials swiftly. good wine is self evident and I don’t feel the need to try and identify every subtle flavour and nuance for the benefit of some local lass who’s just filling in for fifteen bucks an hour cash.
We did just recently have a day tour of a queensland region. We thought it would be a lark. (Adelaidies) TBL commenters offered their opinions at the time and were pretty much spot on! Natch. We drank a lot of Verdellho which I would have to characterise as pretty unremarkable. One stand out surprise was an ’05 shiraz from a place called captain’s paddock. remarkable at $26, easily worth a higher price point. I sent a case home just so we can surprise the (many, many) wine wankers in our circle down that way.
The funniest thing we found was at each cellar door the first question we were asked was “Do you like sweet wines or dry wines?” without exception. Using the word “sweet” in relation to wine in SA will have you in temporary detention on Nauru while your bona fides are re-examined.
we were also exposed to a goon bag recently called San Bernadino via some camping bogans. didn’t taste it but were fascinated to see it described as a “wine based beverage” @ 10% alcohol on the box. later in the wee small hours we heard them having a screaming blue. following tombarina’s reasoning we decided it must have been from Qld.
Caveat Emptor.
ALAS !!
Sometimes I think this blog should be re-named ‘Things Queenslanders Like’
ALAS.. my poor home state.. the subject of such lampooning… ah well.. at least we are entertainment value..
… * sob *…
Antosha,
In the great scheme of things, all things have their use. Entertainment is one of them. Of course as an entertainer, myself, I may be a little biased.
love it.
Bogan wine tours are the principle reason why wineries exist in areas which are totalling unsuited to the production of quality table wine, such as the Gold Coast hinterland!
Is there anything people can do now these days without being labeled a bogan? This used to be a very amusing website. Even though wine tours are as contiki tours are to travelling, at least more people are getting out there these days. Take a good hard look at yourselves. Before you become as sad and profoundly but disappointingly interesting as the bogan itself.
It’s not about what you do, kell. It’s about why and how you do it.
ok
I think you’re basically restricted to reading “literature” instead of novels, watching channel 2 and french movies, having dinner parties with wine poofs, maybe a little yoga and tai chi on the side and living in the Inner West which will cost about a million for a semi, so you better have an awesome job in some sort of chardonnay socialist type setting, like a chancellor for a uni, sell out the uni to os students and get some bonuses.
Or maybe you could assassinate Geraldine Doogue or Kerry O’Brien and get their job at the ABC.
You could always become a geek, but I hear the social life is terrible, or maybe do an economics/law degree and become a neo con but then you’d have to sell your soul and you may be reborn as a cockroach in the next life.
LOL. Inner West? Ew! No, that would still be bogan.
You don’t count, Fiona. As we have been repeatedly told you exist in the rarefied zone of the ancestral manse outside of which everything is bogan. We are talking of lesser mortals here. Or shall we omit the lesser?!
LOL. True enough. I suppose that whilst the “lesser” is (obviously) redundant, it’s good to keep it in use to remind you all of your station in life.
Fiona,
Speaking of their station in life I don’t suppose they would use the Upfield line?
You’re a neo con Fiona. So if you were to be in Sydney obviously the Lower North Shore or the Eastern Suburbs would suit you. The Inner West is a libtard area.
Probably the north shore as they are seemingly a bit more mindless, the eastern suburbs requires a bit more risk and character as it is more embracing of zionism.
LOL. Ew! Fortunately Toorak is a libtard free area.
or become a drop-out pseudo hippie :D
I was listening last night to ABC Radio National (automatic libtard free pass), listening to Life Matters with Richard Aedy, of whom had a guest who was organising an anti-gentrification fair in Fitzroy, where they made a ballgown out of the sticky carpet pulled from the floor of the recently closed Tote bar. This guest was concerned about the influx of yuppie scum colonising areas that were once the preserve of the working class, migrants and students, all of whom have been priced out of these areas over the last near-on two decades.
With gentrification, what happens is that when suave, cashed-up types move into a slightly bohemian district to have some of the cachet rub off onto them, they gradually erode what was originally there culturally that gave that area its charm in the first place, until it becomes another rich ghetto, full of moderate Liberal voters and advertising gurus. What this woman is trying to do is to activate those in with the old ethos (DIY yet interdependent, cosmopolitan but unpretentious, left-field and altruistic) to “scare away” the trendies, for whose sensibilities to accommodate these idiosyncrasies only goes so far.
Unfortunately, as much as I laud her valiant attempt at reclaiming the inner city/inner suburban areas, I feel that it’s somewhat quixotic, insomuch as that it’s bolting the gate long after the horses have fled the stable. There are perhaps areas in all the major centres in Australia where this wankerfication of these near-city areas that can be at least spared the full Paddington/Carlton/Subiaco transformation: in Perth (aka Dullsville, which has taken to gentrification like a duck to water), there are two inner-suburb areas that still haven’t completely lost their feral edge despite their handy location: namely Victoria Park and Fremantle (South and central). You know when a district is going to to the dogs (in the neat sense) when you can’t get a decent meal after 10PM and all the bars shut early. When that occurs, it’s time to make a stand, and demand that the funk stays beneath the nails: no urban manicure handjobs here, thanks!
Aargh, bugger! Another quality rant from Bag O’…
Again, agreed. Though I seldom venture down that way myself (I’m happy living in Sydney’s Far North, with its bushland, somewhat decent public transport and last vestiges on tranquility), Newtown is pretty much the same. It used to be a down-at-heel bohemian haunt, but the monied wankers flooded the area and it’s had its hard edge blunted. Now the place is home to trust-fund Punks and Hippies and pretentious art-wankers.
When I visited Sydney last year, I stayed in Annandale: a great location, but I’m afraid I have to concur with you there. Similar story. Try spotting an Italian migrant family there these days.
More’s the pity…
Ah, well it’s Leichardt if you want Italians, Turnips.
At least the Annadale Hotel still stays open late… and has live acts most nights of the week. And I’m not sure, but I don’t think a band has ever played a cover of Sex On Fire… at least, not on any of the occasions I’ve been there.
When I was there, I saw ROOT!, a spinoff of TISM, play there. Great gig, love the venue, in that it’s a true “sticky carpet” muso’s venue. And to be sure, they have helped in the cause of keeping those herpes heroes’ songs off of the stage.
Herpes heroes. Love it, Turnips.
Only one letter separates the heroes from the herpes, Sten, and it’s not just a French one either. Though it helps, I’m sure…
Where do you come up with this material, Turnips?
Well if and when we get this depression, these so called “yuppies” which in my experience are usually just a pack of half wits who made a lot of money out of the bubble but are too deranged and ignorant to see that and or have the humility to acknowledge it, will die off to a satisfactory extent. Then again 15-20 years of cheesedick fuedalistic soccer mum/country road culture will be hard to kill. I think it’s literally going to require WW3.
And furthermore, kell, there aren’t too many folk with such X-ray-like insight to judge, assess, ponder and ultimately adjudicate the intentions of others through scant observation of their actions combined with the astonishing delusion of a low-bottom drunk. Fortunately though, you’ve stumbled across a fairly large group of them right here. In other related news, some here are from Queensland, while others with extra special needs hail from rural Maitland.
seriously, why do you bother?
“ultimately adjudicate the intentions of others through scant observation of their actions”
“astonishing delusion of a low-bottom drunk”
fundamental disconnect.
mockery fail.
Chubby,
also, Anybody give a shit? fail
I’d like one Things Bogans Like poster please.
Say a word cloud of all the titles so far. But I will pass on a graphic of Anal.
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2010/03/24/stuff-white-people-like-posters-now-available/
I like things things bogans like like.
cheers!
Ask James Hunter #17 – The fundamental business of connecting business names.
James Hunter:
the following name has been selected from a short list of possibilities to be used as the trading name of a start up company whose primary business concern will be finance:
Luke, Luke, Weinberger & Luke
Any good?
Peter
ps chubbybloodfart, I ‘bother’ because… because… I bother because I suspect there is a limit to the amount of middle-class guilt that even your overly sentimental altruism can induce.
oh, sorry.
I went to bed.
but I like the word “cockneck”
I think I will use it in another forum somewhere.
Peter Cockneck… I like it!
and thanks for the feedback.
overly sentimental altruism.
I think it’s a compliment.
Peter,
for you, “nor enthalpy ” !
Go away fucktard!
Not you Mr Hunter, I meant Peter.
in unrelated but generally feel-good bogan news, ACA did a follow up story on the coke addicts they found
you’ll be pleased to learn they’re both recovering and got some free gym something or other :)
that’s nice.
maybe John Safran can take them to Tracey Grimshaw’s house.
Good idea. While he’s at it, he could also do a rummage through Anna Coren’s wheelie bin too, so then ACA can be gazumped by TT; Safran gets off looking a hero (well at least to us libtards anyway!), all the while Tracy Grimjaw and Anna Bloody Coren (and their respective camera operators) can bitchslap each other in trying to get the scoop and see who’ll claim first dibs in being a victim punk’d by Safran. And just to add icing on the cake, get John’s regular sparring partner, Fr. Bob Maguire, to absolve Safran of any wrongdoing, explaining that indeed the greater evil is perpetrated by those 6:30 televisual tabloids, only deciding which one is the more nefarious by means of a coin toss.
aaah,
I see you’re in the industry…
compelling viewing indeed.
Nah, chubby, not anymore: did dabble in photography for a time, but it’s full of prissy primadonnas and precious egos, not to mention the influx of wannabes—of which I was but one—armed with digital technology at increasingly affordable pricepoints. Although I do have a remnant interest of the machinations of the industry, now as an outsider looking in, I have moved onto something far more satisfying in the form of community services, working for people with disabilities, in addition to currently undertaking further studies in that field. The very antithesis of the glamour of media and marketing.
OT, but relevant: notice that those who work in those purportedly glamourous occupations are usually quite surly: people who work in media, bookstores, florists, music stores, design and yes, photography. My guess is that those industries are rather cut-throat to get ahead in and those who get an in try to assiduously protect their patch of turf, even though a lot of those on the lower rungs are taken advantage of, because of their delusions of grandeur of being within that coterie. On the other hand, you get those who work amongst either muck and odour (waste disposal, plumbers), blood and guts (butchers, fishmongers) or disadvantage (carers, social workers), often are quite approachable and cheerful, if not equipped with at least an ironic sense of humour and a healthy perspective of things.
another quality rant.
we love your work.
we have lots of arty chums, Mrs Bloodfart (aka Edna) has an extensive resume in the disability services field, btw and as an erstwile tradie myself…
we concur.
Edna,
I must have missed something ! As I often do, some would say. I can not recall anything you have said that i could take a fence at?
Even if I did the fact that it was for Peter over rides all else.
James Hunter, my other comment is in moderation and it was directed at Peter.
I said a rude word.
oops.
must have been a cracker!
didn’t make it up.
wish I could think of something TBL won’t print.
oh there it is!
seriously.
what’s wrong with f*ckt*rd?
For Victorians I think the wine tour has replaced that long-gone tradition of the Pokies Tours where the bogues and bogettes would pile into a bus to hit the NSW border and piss their hard earned into a machine.
I just saw Ryu pop up.
where is chairman miaow?
and AlyssaKT?
Superb! I sold wine for four years and the impeccable insight in this entry is stunning; especially the bit about chardonnay, which has really lifted its game here in recent years.
Actual album description posted on colleague’s facebook, (it is referreing to the Sea & Vines festival in SA):
“Besides the rough start of a 9am pickup, which I was still in bed for (did not get to sleep until 5am-due to the previous photo album), we had a FANTASTIC day. I am not sure what I enjoyed more, the Wine, the Food, the Limo, the Dancing, actually I better say the company. I think McLaren Vale didn’t quite know what hit them as we took each winery by storm, burning up the dance floor and spilling our wine everywhere. It was a great day had by all (from what I can remember.) Same time next year??”
Haha. Amazing. TBL
Oh the humanity. The paper today is reporting that there were “only” eight arrests and Sea and VInes this year. I’m assuming your colleague was not one of them. There is no god.
We actually went on a wine tour yesterday. I felt way overdress in my sensible RM boots, jeans & top. The bogunettes were all wearing high heels, sleeveless dresses with the hems way nearer to their girlie bits than I would ever be comfortable with.
No spewing on our bus, although the bus driver did play some classic Aussie rock on the way home which accompanied by tuneless singing from the boguns down the back.
Were told in no uncertain terms that there was no drinking allowed on the bus – thank goodness!
Very amusing…
I have worked at a number of big wine shows over the years, and these seem to operate, for bogans anyway, on a similar basis to the winery tour.
The bogan approach to the wineshow seems to consist of tasting all the wines they are familiar with (ie in their comfort zone), unless the winery offers something sweet which will always be tasted. When offered something different one often gets the “I know what I like” comment, which is up there in the pantheon of most stupid comments.
Spitting is almost never an option, even if the wine is not liked, indeed the looks I got at a recent wine show when I spat seemed to indicate that many in the crowd were unaware that that’s what those sawdust filled bins are for.
Big overoaked overripe shiraz is popular for bogans, largely because no thinking is required, as are whites which purport to be ‘dry’ but in all likelihood taste much like tropical fruit juice (classic blends, unwooded chardonnay, chenin blanc, Oyster Bay), and insipid cab merlots.
While many bogans are happy with their late harvest riesling, or whatever sweet sparkling is currently doing the rounds, aspirational bogans seem to be obsessed that a wine is at least termed ‘dry’. The ambiguity of the word ‘dry’ in wine is mind boggling, but to aspirational bogans it seems the word dry is all important as it seems to convey the impression, in their own eyes at least, that they are wine connoisseurs. It is best reflected in the fact that bogans rarely buy riesling, as they think riesling is sweet (and they are by no means alone there), and since they are usually only drinking wine as an alcohol delivery system it is not worth the challenge or possible opprobium of their friends by rocking up with a riesling to their next BBQ .
Interestingly though the bogan influence has taken hold at wine shows now. Years ago wineries tended to look down their noses at the lumpen proletariat, but in their current weakened financial state more and more boutique wineries/winemakers are making sweeter wines that they would never drink (or admit to drinking) in pursuit of the c.u.b. dollar, proving that money talks all languages.
I went to a winery up in the Hunter today with my aunt and uncle (they needed a sober driver and my parents were busy). We came across a Bogan Wine Bus and I witnessed everything short of an attempted glassing by flute.