Things Bogans Like

Bogan Bribe Watch 4/6/2010

Kevin spends the bogan’s taxpayer dollars to give the bogan cancer

Three years ago, the bogan finally grew tired of John Howard’s bribes, and decided to line up for some of Kevin Rudd’s instead. Kevin seemed like a high-minded individual, yet determined to give the bogan the “fair go” that it regularly does little to deserve. Rudd seemed to hate politicians as much as the bogan hates almost any intellectual, and he vowed to crack down on the trick of using the bogan’s precious taxpayer dollars to sell it policies via advertising blitzes. But that was Kevin oh-seven, a Kevin not as familiar with the bogan’s hot buttons as Keven-Ten.

A couple of years in office taught Kevin that the bogan will buy almost anything, if that anything is advertised via mass-media in a big-budget manner. Speaking of budgets, the recently announced 2010-11 Federal Budget contained a big new tax devised to raise enough money to backfill the fiscal black hole created by the bogan-approved $900 cash handouts 12 months prior. The new mining tax would fill up the coffers, at the mining companies’ expense. Incensed, the mining companies took over the airwaves at great cost, informing the bogan that it would be no longer able to go and work in the mines if the tax came into effect.

The battle for the bogan’s mind was on.

While the earlier, morally virtuous Rudd saw government advertising sprees as “a cancer on democracy”, he now realises that having cancer is more palatable than not having the bogan vote. A $38.5 million multimedia assault on the bogan’s frontal lobe was immediately in the works, designed to convince it that it can still go and work in the mines if it wants to. KRudd is banking on the fact that without the miners’ bogan bucks, there is no way that bogans can be bribed at subsequent elections. The bogan, with no capacity to think about next week’s repayment on its no-repayment loan, let alone next election, does not care. The television is telling it that mining is the heart and soul of this country. Having no desire to learn about tax, the bogan assumes that this combination of a big tax and the heart of the nation is a bad thing. Ergo, Kevin must go. Then, the bogan learned that Kevin is going to hit the airwaves by spending its taxpayer dollars on things that aren’t the baby bonus or first homeowners’ grant.

The Ruddster had better pray that his ads are bloody good.

ALP Score: 20 taxpayer cents on the dollar

Clive Palmer Score: 7 insulin shots out of 10