Christian Audigier is far more of a menace than we at Things Bogans Like could possibly have imagined. Sure, we knew that he has made a career out of repackaging the creative talents of others, turning up the glitz, and selling the end product to the bogan for incredibly high prices. Sure, we knew he is an evil genius who will only rest once all of the world’s bogan bucks are in his possession. But we didn’t know he could shapeshift.
A few years ago, Audigier, the middle-aged Frenchman, started spending some of his time in the form of David Guetta, a middle-aged Frenchman. Pleased with his new capacity to profiteer from the bogan’s auditory system, Audiguetta settled down to his new task. After some initial trial and error, he realised in 2003 that a series of compilation albums from Ibiza called “Fuck Me I’m Famous” would accord perfectly with the bogan’s concept of celebrity. But the sales results in English-speaking countries remained poor. There was something missing.
In 2006 more progress was made. Guetta impacted on US and Australian charts for the first time with, wait for it, a mash-up OF a remix. This concept amazed the bogan, who previously thought it possible to only butcher a song once before moving on to something else. By now full of confidence, Guetta returned to his Audigi-cave and readied himself for his greatest feat of evil.
In the spring of 2009, Guetta cursed the world with “One Love”, an album that shared its name with a bogan-cherished clubbing institution in Melbourne and Sydney. The album featured the vocals of the second hottest chick from Destiny’s Child, the non-chick from Black Eyed Peas, and other super celeb RnB stars. The bogan was hooked. This sample-laden effort had all of the anthemic choruses that the bogan needed for its clubbing purposes, with the third single from the album being directed by someone who goes by the name of “X”. The album racked up three top ten singles in Australia, with “Sexy Bitch” going all the way to number one. The song, three minutes and eighteen seconds in length, repeats the phrase “sexy bitch” 19 times (or once every 10.42 seconds, for the mathematically minded). In effect, this offers the bogan male 19 opportunities to try its chances with femme bogues, finger-gunning one female per “sexy bitch”, and checking for its reaction. The pre-chorus of the song outlines Akon’s struggles, where he tries “to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful”, before settling on “damn you’s a sexy bitch” as a satisfactory means to achieving his goal. Despite Christian Audigier providing the bogan with a soundtrack to accompany its attempts to cajole females into granting it anal sex, the male’s Saturday night concludes with it performing “the stranger” while sitting on the edge of its bed.