#142 – Buying a Snowboard

24 05 2010

Each winter, the bogan stares balefully out of its window, through the sleeting rain, and dreams of being maxtreme. The sun has gone, and the bogan can no longer visit the beach once a month, wander around shirtless and pretend to know how to surf. Its fantasies of warm-weather maxtremity dashed for four months, it has been reduced to a blithering mess of sporting brand-free misery.

Then, sometime around mid-June, the bogan is watching breakfast TV. Glumly shovelling Nutri-Grain into its mouth, it notices something different. After the obligatory dwarf weather segment, the robot host cuts to a new character, one the bogan vaguely remembers, swathed in brightly-coloured Michelin tyres, and its muffled voice speaks into a microphone about ‘crisp powder’, ‘lifts operating’ and ‘black runs’. Setting aside its iron man food, it pays attention to this human marshmallow. And it comes to a realisation; it has found winter nirvana. Australia has snow. And snow people are exactly like beach people, but with snow. The bogan immediately buys a snowboard. And not just any snowboard…a snowboard that can achieve maximum altitude. A snowboard that will get it up to X-Games standards. After all, if that 16 year old kid at the Winter Olympics do it with a broken hand, surely the bogan can do it with its broken grip on reality.

Upon arrival at the lodge, the bogan will automatically adopt the local vernacular in spectacularly unconvincing fashion. It will speak of ‘hitting the slopes’, ‘carving it up’ and refer tangentially to ‘whistler’ as a snowboarding manoeuvre. It will troll around the lodge, keeping one eye peeled, as it has always dreamed of hunting the extremely rare, highly seasonal, arctic cougar. It will be happy, as this entire exercise has offered in an opportunity to acquire an array of garish, brightly coloured, heavily branded specialty clothing, without actually having to go outside and get cold and/or wet.

Emerging groggily onto the slopes the next morning, the bogan decides it should put its shiny new equipment into practice. Naturally, upon hearing that ‘black run’ means the most maxtreme, the bogan decides to enact its newly remixed winter dreams on the crisp powder. Lessons are for pussies without natural talent. Thirty minutes in, the bogan decides that the inability to snowboard is actually called ‘freestyle’, and tells it to anyone who will listen henceforth.

Come summer, the bogan will look gaily out of its window at the bright sunshine, and glance fleetingly, scornfully at the hot-pink snowboard in the corner, before heading out and buying a surfboard. And not just any surfboard…


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241 responses

24 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Thankfully I’m spared these people on the Double Black Diamond runs of the European ski slopes I frequent.

24 05 2010
Brimstone

i went to uni near a ski resort in Western Massachusetts. i never skied, but the sushi was nice

24 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Amherst? A fine liberal arts college. Of course, not good enough for my higher degree in the Classics.

24 05 2010
devil's advocate

Fiona of Toorak (11:22:53) said: LOL. Amherst? A fine liberal arts college. Of course, not good enough for my higher degree in the Classics.

You’re just lucky people on this board allow you the latitude of including the collected works of Eric Hill in your definition of “the Classics”.

25 05 2010
Gazza

Zing!

27 05 2010
julia

brilliant.

24 05 2010
vivisection

I’ve never even seen snow up close. I’ve only seen it on mountain tops in the distance. I grew up and Qld and even though I’m in Victoria, I haven’t seen snow yet. For 10 years I’ve nagged Mr Vivisection to take me, but he tells me to play in the freezer, apparently its the same with less hassle.

24 05 2010
Brimstone

i miss snow

24 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Are you a bit homesick Brim? Awww **Big Hugs**

24 05 2010
James Hunter

Brim,
I went to school with a miss snow.!
I grew up in the New England tablelands and have seen -13 C in a blizzard and have also (once) seen it snow in Christmas day. quite often at Guyra and Llangothlin you could get drifts up to 1,000mm and up to 200/300 on the roads..
I know that is not snow to yanks and canaks, but it does happen. great time to go spotlighting foxes !
My young sister and i used to walk across the local creek on top of the ice on way to school at a place called Furracabad , out from Glen Innes. We used to there also have the water in the cattle grids frozen for months at a time.

24 05 2010
pb

i spent a year in canada for uni and the canadians just could not comprehend that i’d never seen snow before. trying to explain what counts as winter in australia when you’re in ontario and the wind chill is -40 is pretty hard.
i didn’t go skiing over there, the university town i was in was in ontario, which is very flat, but i did try curling which is really a lot of fun. and the only time i’m ever likely to see 20 year old guys wanting to use a broom.

25 05 2010
brad

spent some time in Colarado-“boardin” in Aspen with with a mate ,really hardcore carving.But it just wasnt enough so me mate and me got some BB guns and scored some stockings off some ho we were tappin and robbed the local bank.Alas after spending a few years as a guest of the US Marshall i now know what its like too be rode hardcore on a cold hard surface.

26 05 2010
Sten

Ahahahaha… nice anecdote, Brad. One could almost suspect art is imitating life.

26 05 2010
brad

Stranger than fiction ha ha

26 05 2010
James Hunter

Now Brad,
You,Are ;Stranger then fiction.

26 05 2010
brad

Why thanks ;(takes a bow), i shall draw a long bow here and suggest that some on this blog may think likewise of your good self?

24 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

I love the snow Vivi. Mr Pinky and I will take you if mean old Mr Vivi wont! 😉

24 05 2010
Brimstone

Yeah i mean I can’t say it’s exactly warm in Sydney but i can barely see my breath and if i go out without a coat i’m not going to die of frostbite

i miss sledding, and snow angels and snowball fights and snowmen and hot cocoa

it does get pretty annoying after 4 months on the ground but you haven’t lived until you’ve had a white Christmas

27 05 2010
julia

you’re not missing out on much. it tastes nice, though 🙂

24 05 2010
Ezzmay

Fiona Im tippin ur joking with such fantastically wanky comment, either way it definitley made me giggle!

24 05 2010
vivisection

Fiona, I’m surprised that you ever leave the bar.

24 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I make sure my entourage come well stocked in case I feel like a tipple on the way down.

24 05 2010
devil's advocate

Fiona of Toorak (09:10:22) said: LOL. I make sure my entourage come well stocked in case I feel like a tipple on the way down.

I’m guessing your education in the classics has prepared you well for your career as a cocktail waitress in Europe’s finest ski resorts. Although I’m not sure I approve of them people to serve drinks on the slopes themselves. It must be fairly dangerous for you having to balance a tray of drinks while negotiating a double black diamond run.

24 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I see comprehension is your weak point (or rather, one of them). My entourage carry the drinks tray – I just take the drink.

24 05 2010
devil's advocate

Fiona of Toorak (11:45:12) said: My entourage carry the drinks tray – I just take the drink.

So if you take the drink to the patrons, who gets the tips? Or do you just divide them up evenly at the end of the night?

24 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. *sigh*. You are so VERY tiresome.

24 05 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
just call “security” , they will take care of him, he may evfen trip on the way out the door.?

24 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I might call Victoria Police. They seem to be doing a simply marvelous job today.

24 05 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
I suspect that like cm he is off his meds and heavily disguised as an adult

24 05 2010
devil's advocate

Me? Tiresome? Pot, meet kettle.

24 05 2010
Benjamin

What about the maxtreme injuries? No bogan’s snowboarding tale is complete without stories of blood gushing and compound fractures.

Oh and snowboarding is for dweebs. If they were really x-treme – they wouldn’t be *just* snowboarding – they’d be jumping out of helicopters. In a suit. With a drink in hand.

24 05 2010
vivisection

The corporate health group i used to work for ran the medical centre at Mt Buller every winter, a few years back. Every year they would try and bribe Drs to go up and work for the season, but no-one wanted to go. Its like a war zone of bogue’s with concussions and head injuries that refuse to stop heading out to the slopes, and day and night is spent plastering up broken arms and legs. The Medico-legal aspect of working with these morons who won’t listen to medical advice is a nightmare!

24 05 2010
J

Cue No Win, No Fee*

26 05 2010
Sten

As long as it’s a terrible lime-green suit.

24 05 2010
Tubesteak

If only there was a way it could convert its jetski into smoething that could traverse the snow

Oh wait…….

Coming soon…..no talent needed. Just hop on and maxtremeski around the slopes!

24 05 2010
Tone

Those are called ‘snowmobiles’. Canadian bogans have been enjoying them for YEARS.

24 05 2010
Brimstone

there was a fun snowmobile chase in a James Bond flick
or maybe that was a ski chase

24 05 2010
common man

i prefer riding the slopes on a nice ski bunny

24 05 2010
James Hunter

cm,
your halicinating again you naughty man they told you not to stop your meds suddenly

24 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

My maxxxtreme bogan ex is a freestylin’ snowboarder. Pitty he survived. But the thing is he’s a tight arse bogan, no maxxtreme apparal for him!! so hopefully this year he will get hypothermia or break his legs again either way it’s happy times. He use to crack the shits with me because I can actually ski, loved showing the arse clown how shit it is. Nothing better than a girl making a male bogue look even more stupid… Bahahaha

24 05 2010
Simon of South Yarra

The summer version is the wakeboard – with those huge water craft carrying ninety people, stacked wakeboards and a sound system formerly owned by U2.

24 05 2010
amr

I bought a snowboard over 15 years ago.
Still carry it around the world to snowboard every year and of course to the giant Australian ski slopes when there is actually snow.

I find out I am a little bit more bogan every day.

Thanks for nothing TBL.

On another note, I don’t know how anyone can eat Nutri-Grain. Bogan or not. I think it is the only man made substance that has more sugar than a Farmer’s Union iced coffee.

24 05 2010
Tracy Rimjaw

S’ok amr, we all have a bit of bogan in us.

24 05 2010
Simon of South Yarra

Wakeboards are the summer version – maxtreme boats mucking up the banks of the Murray

24 05 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Beautifully put as ever TBL.
I can soon see bogans deserting Thailand for the piste in droves. Once they realise the snow far outstrips the beach for maxtreme conspicuous consumption branding, in addition to all mentioned previously. I mean, at the beach, once you have your billabong or your roxy , your three hundred dollar sunnies, block of Dr Zoggs and your cardboard cut out surfboard, that’s about it. The shere maxtremness of snow means specialised conspicuously branded equipment is required for every aspect of your mere existence. Bogues love to shop for sh*t they can bleat at other bogues about.

24 05 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

*sheer

sorry, tiny keyboard

24 05 2010
AntiPajero

Very frustrating that snow-bogans never take the free (FREE, dammit!!!) lessons when they get to the snow. And when they inevitably fall down and stay down to regain their breath (breath? You’re not jogging, you’re SLIDING. Downhill..!) They clog up the high traffic fast bits of the mountain without exercising the basic courtesy of being decent moguls.

24 05 2010
Benjamin

The bogans won’t take the snowboarding lessons for two reasons (from my experience at Thredbo)

1. The lift and lesson pass denies them access to the maxtreme bits of the mountain (ie – anything besides Friday Flat and Merrits).

2. The first several days of snowboarding lessons involve sliding sideways slowly, and landing on their arses.

No hope.

I do notice that the skiiing lessons are always well attended, which is good. But skiing, unlike snowboarding, can be picked up pretty quickly by many folks, and have them confidently negotiating the greens and easier oranges in just a few days.

Snowboarding on the other hand appears to be much more difficult to do well. I don’t get to spend much time at the snow, and enjoy my skiing, so I’m not going to take up the snowboard for myself for these reasons.

Bogans have no patience…

24 05 2010
west_melb_antibogan

Snowboarders with no experience are even more dangerous than skiiers with no experience.

Novice bogan Snowboarders have no inkling of on piste ettiqute and just plow through other boarders or skiiers who have stopped at the side of a run or who are attempting nice, slow, in control turns.

Oh no not for the bogan snowboarder, just plow on through, taking out all an sundry, fcuking up the groomed runs, and generally making every body elses day a misery due to their own selfishness.

As for snowboarding, it seems all you do is grovell about in the snow and falling on your arse.

Shouldn’t they all get MaxXxtreme at the half pipe anyway?

24 05 2010
Benjamin

“and generally making every body elses day a misery due to their own selfishness”

Pretty much the very definition of Bogan 😉

I have no problem with the experienced version though – who in my experience have been generally pretty polite on the slopes, and to me at least seem to stay out of trouble.

25 05 2010
sweetbiscuit

oh, memories of working at Perisher many many years ago.

Anyway, old joke:
Q: How does a snowboarder introduce himself?
A: Sorrry Mate, are you alright?!

24 05 2010
AntiPajero

I still take lessons, as I only go to the snow once every few years. I probably don’t need them, but I enjoy them. At intermediate levels, you get taken on a variety of pistes where I’d otherwise tend toward the same old ones.

Snowboarding is far less intuitive than skiing. And unfortunately for the snow-bogue (and for the rest of us) It’s also far less intuitive than acquiring conviction in one’s own super-triple-diamond-awesome-maxXxtremeness by osmosis from a dreadlocked, fluoro zinc-creamed “dude” woo-hoo rockin’ out the mountain right after Video Hits.

Even after a mountain battering, the bruised snow bogue tourist then wears its unbruised attitude pinned to its snow gear to the pubs and bistros where they treat the local staff who LIVE THERE ALL YEAR ROUND as though they couldn’t know anything about maxXxtreme snow sports.

24 05 2010
devil's advocate

Benjamin (09:53:20) said: …But skiing, unlike snowboarding, can be picked up pretty quickly by many folks, and have them confidently negotiating the greens and easier oranges in just a few days.

In my experience skiing is way more difficult than boarding, and I say that as someone whose only experience is occasional boarding. Controlling 2 skis and stocks is harder than 1 board. Boarding is pretty intuitive and once you learn how to turn the board sideways to slow down and then to turn – which should take no longer than say 1 day – then it’s fairly easy to get up to the intermediate runs quickly.

I’m by no means a talented athlete and I picked it up pretty quickly. It’s an accessible way of enjoying the snow for people that can’t dedicate maxxtreme numbers of weekends going to the snow.

Skiing, on the other hand, requires a bit more committment.

This is why I think bogans prefer boarding over skiing.

24 05 2010
amr

Don’t agree here. As someone who skied for 10 years before turning to the dark side, it is much easier to stand up and move slowly on skis than a board as a beginner.
Need speed on a board for balance to happen.
That is why a bogan on a board, without first taking lessons, becomes a bulldozer. Taking down anything in its path.

24 05 2010
devil's advocate

Hrm. Well, I and my friends picked up the boarding quite easily, but found the skis quite difficult.

I totally agree on the bulldozer point, I guess I should qualify my remarks by saying that while I found it very easy to learn how to “go”, the ability to “stop” came much later. I also find it really hard to slow a board down when on the icey bits.

The other aspect of boarding is that, unlike skiing, it has a “blind side” which I think probably contributes to most collisions where at least 1 party is on a board.

25 05 2010
Benjamin

“saying that while I found it very easy to learn how to ‘go’, the ability to ‘stop’ came much later.”

Bingo. Arguably this is the most important skill on the slopes – and it’s easier to do on skis…

24 05 2010
Tombarina

Not only does the bogue take to snowboarding like a duck to a non-aquatic substance, it does it in maXXXtreme clothes in a maXXXtreme location – ie, it shells out around $3k on apparel which renders it indistinguishable from a neon peacock, and heads to Queenstown.

Q’town’s chief appeal is that it’s “OS” – rather like Thailand, but with grossly overpriced drinkies and fewer hookers – and it offers snowboarding conditions which show up our domestic slopes for the big girls’ blouses that they are.

Here, the bogue, unencumbered by any prior experience, is able to draw on its immense internal reserves of innate talent. This results in maXXXtreme multiple fractures and a tricky and abhorrently expensive medical retrieval, for which the bogue will have taken care to secure no travel insurance.

Faced with bankruptcy and the seizure of its 60″ plasma and HSV ute, the bogue will then phone Slater and Gordon and appear on ACA and/or TT to protest its inhumane treatment at the hands of a foreign government. It now knows how Schapelle feels.

24 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. A worthy codicil indeed Tombarina.

24 05 2010
amr

Now I know why Queenstown is one of the few places I have yet to snowboard and Thailand another place I have also yet to visit.
Thanks for confirming those decisions Tombarina.

24 05 2010
Benjamin

I went to Queenstown once with Family.

I remember if being nice. Very pretty/beautiful surrounds, and we had to go via Christchurch (difficulty with organising direct flights – had an overnight layover) which was good too.

My experiences were pretty much the opposite to yours. There was very little snow(!), and we stayed just outside the town and only visited Queenstown center during the daylight hours when we weren’t skiing. So I think we managed to avoid the bogans.

I’m beginning to think I’m frightfully boring… This might be worse than being bogan.

24 05 2010
Tombarina

Benj, you’re not boring.

Q’town is indeed gorgeous. It’s also chockful’o’w@nkers from June-September, a distressing number of them Australian.

Remember, “boring” is highly subjective and frequently circumstantial, but “bogan” is a heavily-branded, loud, obnoxious state of mind.

24 05 2010
martin

They also get to show some class whilst not having any by wearing wrap around Oakley sunglasses. Or whatever the fuck is the latest trend in brand name sunnies these days.

I had to put up with a combo from an ex friend’s bogan mother. He and some other bogan ex friends were at the snow and I ran into her at the shops whilst they were there and she lorded it up over me that I “wasn’t there”. So the combo was some sort of status anxiety mixed with this “cool people go to the snow” shit. Ergh.

Another lovely bogan trait. Expecting money and ‘status’ without doing anything that takes a lot of skill.

If it wasn’t for bogans we’d all live until we’re 100.

24 05 2010
Shirley M

I once worked with one of these snowboarding bogans. Well, he’d decided he was going to go to Canada and become a snowboarding bogan. He was always talking to me about the awesome snowboarding playlist he’d made on his iPod which he would listen to once he’d become a snowboarder. As far as I know, he’s still in Canada, carving it up. It’s always nice to know we’ve exported another one.

24 05 2010
SD

I have a colleague who is the bogan of bogans – and just today he was showing off his newly bought kit for a Chilean ski trip (he is a loaded bogan). But on the whole I think they prefer the surf because you know – you have to wear too much shit for the snow.

I am also bored of 7, 9 and 10 filing breathless reports on the lack of snow in the Snowy come July. I thought they like needed machines to get the snow there to the maxtreme levels of the – umm – great mountains of the world.

24 05 2010
Tombarina

Your bogan of bogans – to be referred to forthwith as “BoB” – wouldn’t happen to work in the Sunshine State, would he?

I’m hoping your answer is “yes”, SD – otherwise, it means we’re talking multiple BoBs, and it’s too early in the week to grapple with that concept.

24 05 2010
SD

Maybe we need to have a BoB contest then as this bloke is a certified Sydneysider (the Shire wouldn’t you know). He once explained the complete intricacies of a Big Brother season to me – he was a keen follower and is no doubt mourning its demise – whereupon I bestowed the moniker on him. Though a BoB contest as a televised spectacle at the end of which they are all let out of the country sounds strangely appealing.

25 05 2010
sweetbiscuit

oh good grief. I live in Chile at the moment. Luckily, it is horribly expensive to ski here, so we don’t get to many Aussie Bogans turning up. There are however many many Chilean Princesses in ludicrous high heels and midriff baring fur coats. It’s a real treat to see them trying to negotiate the pathway from the car to the bar at Valle Nevado after a decent snowfall.

25 05 2010
sweetbiscuit

oh heck, wish you could edit these things – that should be “too”

24 05 2010
JimC

‘But on the whole I think they prefer the surf because you know – you have to wear too much shit for the snow.’

Yeah, it’s so much harder to show off your Southern Cross and gothic font belly tattoos covered up in snow gear.

24 05 2010
Shirley M

Only until they find themselves a bogan ice cougar to get naked with.

24 05 2010
SD

To make up for the lack of skin, they always have the option of wearing Ed Hardy snow gear of course. And what do you know, ta da!

http://www.edhardysnow.com/

24 05 2010
amr

Oh, dear lord. At least now I will have targets to aim for.

I hope they make them in one piece jumpsuits ala 1980’s parachute material as well.

24 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

HHAHAHAHA I use to wear those! Hot pink bib and brace with a vile 80’s inspired Jacket and skivvy combo!! The good news is, that I was only 5 😀

24 05 2010
James Hunter

Pinky, you still look great in them with the legs cut of them they be ideal disco wear ?

24 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

I’m still the same height 😉 I think my bower bird old man still has them…LOL
As for disco’s, I’m more of a raver (or i was in my youth) so I’d probably fit in with the raver bunnies. Which are like the bogan’s of raves.

24 05 2010
Tombarina

The words “parachute” and “material” in close association always evoke the musical stylings of Mr M. Hammer.

Stop! Hammer time…..

24 05 2010
24 05 2010
Tombarina

MEDIC!

There goes a retina….

24 05 2010
pb

don’t worry, tombarina – as head of the fashion police in our great new dictatorship of yourself and viv, such monstrosities will be banned. you will never need to trouble your eyes with such things again.

25 05 2010
Tombarina

Thank you, PB, I’ll sleep better now.

Albeit with one eye open – the one undergoing extensive medical treatment thanks to AMR’s thoughtless link-posting.

24 05 2010
Ryu

Fucking bogans!! ARRRGHH..

Anyone heard of Niseko? It’s basically the mecca for Australian bogan fuckwit snowboarders. Kinda like a Bali for winter.

I’ve skiied/boarder Nagano too but this place takes the cake.

So we arrive 2 years ago on Australia Day. Up for a bit of fun we go to an Australia Day party at one of the clubs.

Surrounded by bogans (ration 90% men to 10% women) getting maxxxtremely drunk, of course a fight breaks out. IN JAPAN.

I’ve been half a dozen times and sometimes you’re lucky to see another white person, let alone civil disorder of any kind, but ooooh no, the bogan has claimed/ruined Niseko.

Hence none of the locals go there, they stay over in Higashiyama.

Fucking bogans.

24 05 2010
Tombarina

Ryu, I’m not familiar with the Japanese snow scene. However, a friend has just endorsed whole-heartedly every single thing you wrote.

His theory is that the Oz bogues there are even worse-behaved than usual ‘cos they’re, like, in a TOTALLY other country’n’$hit.

24 05 2010
James Hunter

Tombarina,
If they just wanted to be in a totally different country then they only need to go to Mt Hotham
Haaaaaaaaaaaaa

26 05 2010
Sten

What a shame Mt Buggery (look it up, it actually exists) isn’t covered in double black runs… the Bogan could get togged up in it’s Ed Hardy snow gear, drink Jagerbombs apres-ski, and retire to it’s dorm room for a session of maxXxtreme buggery with the snow cougar it just picked up.

All one would have to do is hijack a nuclear weapon, et voila, no more Bogues!

11 06 2010
Ryu

bit late, but just wanted to congratulate you on the phrase “maxxxtreme buggery”. gave me a right laugh, and sounds like a lot of fun.

24 05 2010
James Hunter

TBL
Surely the ability to contemplate the ski slopes across the brilliant whitness and expanse of a toe to hip plastercast is one of the maxtreeme highlights of a bogan’s winter holiday. They can boast about the death defying run on an avalanche and indulge in fantasyies of attentative nurses.
wow way to go.

24 05 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
Good to see you on the job so early.

24 05 2010
west_melb_antibogan
24 05 2010
Benjamin

Perhaps this bloke was, but I’d hazard that many adrenaline junkies are not bogan. They’re just borderline insane.

Things like base jumping and what not often require training, skill, and in many cases a large amount of planning (an extreme example is the French loony who strung a tightrope between the world trade center towers and walked between them many years ago).

These things are well beyond most bogans. So this guy could have been the victim of bad luck rather than the bogan need for the easily acquired maxtreme.

24 05 2010
Tombarina

Either way, it’s been a busy old weekend for Qld emergency services. The two-day tally for the Sunshine State includes:

• A 32yo helmet-less motorcyclist in a critical condition after attempting a wheelstand on a 1000cc motorcycle in a Brisbane street;
• An allegedly drunk clown and his mate, charged with crashing a stolen excavator;
• A 46yo woman who fell to her death while climbing from one balcony to another at a Gold Coast highrise – she was apparently “in the habit of visiting other people by accessing their balconies”;
• One BASE-jumper charged, and another two on the run, after allegedly leaping from a crane on top of a Broadbeach highrise under construction;
• Another muppet in hospital with spinal injuries after BASE-jumping off a cliff near Boonah; and
• The North Queenslander who died jumping 305m from an Ingham waterfall – his friends defended him to The Cairns Post as “an experienced jumper – not some idiot yahoo”.

I wouldn’t want to hazard a guess as to the human, community and actual fiscal cost of these ludicrous, utterly preventable incidents.

It’s beyond stupid.

24 05 2010
vivisection

And meanwhile an ambulance driver has deal with the reality of having to scrape these morons / street pizza off the ground and ship them off to the morgue / intensive care unit..

24 05 2010
James Hunter

Viv,
just another batch of “Tempory Australians”

strange is it not , when there are boat loads trying to be permanent australians ?

25 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Vivi,
Don’t forget the nurses and doctors who then have to deal with these people in ED, on ward, etc.

24 05 2010
amr

Evolution is weeding out the stupid quick enough. They are still breeding faster.

24 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

i agree amr, but evolution has a habit of catching up. 😉

24 05 2010
Peter of Kensington

Really?

Do you realise that a major school of thought suggests risk-seeking behaviour is an evolutionary trait? I am sure you understand that throughout human history, survival has depended on people with an appetite for risk as much as those that are risk adverse.

So I struggle to see your point (ignoring the idiotic notion that someone who knowingly takes risks to pursue a life’s passion is a loon/moron etc)

24 05 2010
James

Do you mean to argue that a person who jumps from a cliff wearing a parachute is not a moron? If that is indeed “a life’s passion”, then I would posit that it is the passion which is idiotic, not the notion that those holding the passion are moronic.

24 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. ❤ Peter of Kensington's in for a spanking now!

24 05 2010
James Hunter

No more then Jessica Watson for sailing round the world

24 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. To be fair to Jessica, she needed to do something pretty maxxxtreme to get a boyfriend.

24 05 2010
James

Surely nothing that ten or twelve premixed drinks couldn’t fix. Seems like a much simpler solution that sailing around the world, anyway…

24 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Yes, but it’s not her that needs the 10-12 premixed drinks!

24 05 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
Poor Jess, if only she did not have to go without her braces for so many months.
Seriously though my bet is that you would not find a long que of wankers/bogans willing to sail anywhere on their own.
Maybe John Eagan will pick up the challange ?

24 05 2010
Peter of Kensington

James,

It depends. If a person understands the dangers, takes every precaution to mitigate and minimise their likelihood, and still feels the activity constitutes and acceptable risk…. then no, they are not a moron. They may have different priorities in life, but they are not a moron/loon/casualty of evolution.

I accept that you may not understand that passions of others and feel they are moronic, but that in no way reflects the character of the person pursing these activities.

24 05 2010
James

Fair enough.

I would say that some things – base jumping for instance – are moronic no matter what. Given that the only way to mitigate and minimise the dangers of base jumping is not to do it, I would say that anyone who still goes ahead with it is in fact saying a lot about their character. Which is to say, I guess, that some things are objectively moronic, rather than simply subjectively moronic, as you posit in the second part of your response. Base jumping, again in my view, is an objective case. Anyone that weights the dangers and constitutes that to be an acceptable risk has something wrong with their risk assessment abilities.

24 05 2010
Peter of Kensington

“I would say that some things – base jumping for instance – are moronic no matter what.”

Again, you are entitled to your opinion.

“Given that the only way to mitigate and minimise the dangers of base jumping is not to do it”

While I have not BASE-jumped, I know people who do and it’s not something anyone takes lightly. Only after years of experience should it be attempted. With their skill level and knowledge, they are probably safer jumping of a bridge than attempting more mundane activities, such as learning to ride a motorbike (is that objectively moronic?…I lose track of these things)

“goes ahead with it is in fact saying a lot about their character”

What would it say about someone’s character if they did not pursue their goals out of fear?

“Anyone that weights the dangers and constitutes that to be an acceptable risk has something wrong with their risk assessment abilities.”

Again, you can only seeing it from your point of view, applying your own assumptions. A lot of humanities greatest achievements involved considerable risk and would be considered moronic by many people.

24 05 2010
James

Maybe my subjective reticence to jump off a building or cliff leads me to make those judgments. Still, I find it hard to imagine that such an activity would bestow any kind of benefit upon humanity for it having been conducted. Apart, of course, from the fact that the person potentially being killed or maimed in the process will not have the opportunity to pass on their genes, which in part led them to think it was a good idea to jump off a cliff.

24 05 2010
James Hunter

Peter,
you put it well.When I was at high school and for the years after till i left Armidale myself and friends used to climb down the gorges which for those who have not been there are up to about 700/800 mtrs deep. no pathways no ropes, yes it was dangerous but we were well prepared and never came to grief, similarly walking from “Point Lookout” on the edge of the escarpment near Dorrigo to places like Bellingen or Kempsy. again no tracks no GPS no radio.
But , we did develope planning skills and self reliance and dicipline, things unfortunately the bogan wont develope in a weekend chasing snow cougars.

24 05 2010
Tombarina

Peter’o’K, I’m well aware of this line of evolutionary theory – particularly, that some researchers believe risk aversion is anathema to societal development and advancement.

Personally, I see a lot of logic in this argument.

But I really don’t think it applies to nuff-nuffs who climb over highrise balconies in the middle of the night to say “howdy” to the neighbours, or who try for high-speed wheelies on big-motor bikes in suburban streets sans helmet. These people are simply tragic idiots.

24 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

I was just being silly Mr Of Kensington. But I suppose the Neanderthals were once greatly populated weren’t they? Do we see their ancestor’s in the modern day bogan?

24 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ Peter,

I feel you are somewhat talking down to me. If that is so, please don’t.

25 05 2010
James

Especially considering his own use of incorrect grammar. “Humanities” is the plural of humanity, and does not indicate possession.

25 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Perhaps it’s because he doesn’t possess any humanity? 😐

24 05 2010
Benjamin

Good point.

If the loons had to get insurance, perhaps things would be different. As for the bogans – well – not much can be done about those.

24 05 2010
martin

Our bogans in Sydney have been bashing and stabbing each other over the weekend. Must be a lack of women up for butt sex and maybe the McMansion and ‘luxury’ apartment industry is dying off. If we get a depression you won’t be able to go out at all.

http://www.smh.com.au/nsw/cbd-brawl-victim-fights-for-life-20100524-w4ke.html?autostart=1

24 05 2010
amr

I meant ‘not’ weeding out.

24 05 2010
vivisection

Hey James Hunter – I just saw a picture of you when i was perusing the Dick Dale’s Cheesey Knob Nasty Fan Page on Facebook! Don’t ask …. Nice Shower scene!! 🙂

24 05 2010
vivisection

Which i might add good folks, is a respectable fan page for trashy films – lift your dirty minds.

24 05 2010
James Hunter

Viv,
Yep, Dick and i go way back, well about 15 years i guess. That scene was in a trash movie of Dick’s “Busted” circa 2000/maybe 2001if you have not scene it its not bad. I was the “Siberian Sodemiser “in a Flash back.
Dick actually introduced me to the first female lead that I had while in SA. “Lady Cruella.”
We also did a great spoof of the MGM roaring lion.
Me naked with a sixpack hanging from my scrotum laughing maniacally.
Dick puts on a trash movie festival every year and tyravels it to Melbourne, Sydney and Newcastler pluss others.It is called “Trasharama” and is realy worth catching

24 05 2010
john egan

Don’t you ever get tired of being a wanker Fiona of Toorak?

24 05 2010
James Hunter

John,
I dont think Fi will become tired , not if it flushes people like you out into the open.

24 05 2010
martin

That’s how a lot of them get rich in the first place. By being an epically self absorbed wanker. It must be quite taxing.

24 05 2010
James Hunter

Martin,
and your jelous because your a one shot wonder ?

24 05 2010
martin

I’m not jealous. Most of them don’t earn it in the full sense of the word. Especially after the last ten years of the free for all credit binge. One shot wonder? What’s that mean? I get drunk after one shot of alchohol? Wtf?

24 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Although in relative terms we do generally pay less tax, in absolute terms, we pay a significant amount. So yes, it would be accurate to describe being wealthy as quite taxing.

24 05 2010
martin

I meant being a perpetual narcissistic wanker would be quite taxing. I didn’t really mean it though, because I think it’s just a natural state when you have certain mental conditions.

For normal people it would be quite taxing which is why only a small percentage of people are truly wealthy.

25 05 2010
devil's advocate

For more information on why Fiona pays “a significant amount” of tax in absolute terms, refer to the alcopop tax and the recent increase in the cigarette excise. Despite any class aspirations, it is difficult for Fiona to shed her true roots.

Now, some of you may query whether the alcopop tax and cigarette excise are “taxes” in the true sense of the word. But rest assured, for someone of Fiona’s background, they truly are compulsory exactions. We could not expect Fiona to give up these heavily taxed items any more than I could expect you to give up the air you breathe.

25 05 2010
James

You are really putting some thought into this, aren’t you?

25 05 2010
devil's advocate

Not really. The boganity is blatantly obvious to even the casual observer.

25 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. As Oscar Wilde said James, the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. 🙂

25 05 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
welcome on board; i had thought i was the only living person who still quotes Oscar Wilde.

Interestinly when asked whom he would most like to meat in the afterlife, with out hesitation Sir Winston Churchill said “Oscar Wilde”.

25 05 2010
Shirley M

I think you’ll find that Oscar Wilde is one of the most quoted people who ever lived. Especially by living people.

25 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Perhaps dear Winston had had enough of rum and the lash in this life?

26 05 2010
James

LOL! I believe you left something out…

26 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Catch up genius! I left something out on purpose – perhaps it’s what Winston wanted from Oscar in the afterlife…

I see the whimsy in my humour needs to be explained to those of you without the benefit of a higher degree in the Classics.

26 05 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
I understand your wit , even with my poor man’s engineering background .I must admit to having an interest in more classical / traditional literature though.
Unfortunately rewpartee is lost on the lower classes.
The whimsey in your humour didn’t perchance come from Dorathy L Sayers ,Lord Peter Wimsey series ?

26 05 2010
devil's advocate

James Hunter (14:24:13) said: “Fi, I understand your wit , even with my poor man’s engineering background .I must admit to having an interest in more classical / traditional literature though.”

That’s a pretty loose definition of classical literature. However, to put this in terms you understand:

“See James suck up to Fi.

James can suck.

Suck, James, suck!”

(apologies to Eric Hall)

25 05 2010
devil's advocate

martin (16:51:10) said: It must be quite taxing.

Fiona has previously confessed to (complained about) being heavily taxed. It was ultimately revealed that she lacks the resources to engage in tax planning sufficient to effectively minimise her tax burden. Hence why she feels so aggrieved at subsidising the bogan lifestyle.

25 05 2010
James Hunter

da,
if you spent some of your resources on a course on Philosophy that may improove your resources so as to enable you to construct a decent argument.

25 05 2010
devil's advocate

How does one “improove” one’s resources? Is that some maxxxtreme version of improve? Would it be covered under English I or II?

25 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. You said “hence why”. For your information, the “why” is redundant, being implied in the “hence”. Once again my higher degree in the Classics comes to the fore.

25 05 2010
devil's advocate

Once again, being about to sound your way through the poly-syllabic words in Judy Bloom does not constitute study of “the Classics”.

25 05 2010
James Hunter

da,
suggest after you finish Philosophy I you try English Literature II
.Oh , if you pass English I that is.

25 05 2010
devil's advocate

James Hunter, thanks for the suggestion, but people with above-room-temperature IQ’s, or aspirations above cocktail waitress, don’t bother with liberal arts degrees.

25 05 2010
martin

Yeah. Who wants to read a bunch of books chosen by a bunch of libtards. I had enough of that and the white guilt at my public high school.

In fact I say the libtards constant bombarding of the bogan with white guilt is one of the main reasons behind this ghastly state of the bogan. Libtards, you have created a monster!

You know, kind of like how heavy metal and punk was a reaction to the hippy music before it.

26 05 2010
James

That is not fair martin. We can lay the blame for a lot of things at the feet of the political left, but bogans are not one of them.

26 05 2010
devil's advocate

No but the left has radicalised the bogan. This of itself is bad enough.

Then there are the ‘house bogans’ – like Fiona of Toorak. She is an aspirational bogan who seeks to construct about her an air of faux-aristocracy, however due to the overpowering strength of her boganity, and the weakness of her imagination, ends up projecting a laughable caricature of what a bogan imagines the upper classes to be like. It is an ill-conceived mishmash of BBC period dramas and tired social cliches.

It is kind of like watching a teenaged girl at a bar tottering about in high heels for the first time. Somewhat endearing, even a little cute, but ultimately pitiable.

The question I have is, are the radicalised bogans, or the house-bogans, more detrimental to the social fabric?

26 05 2010
James Hunter

DA

!!

24 05 2010
Sherilee from Mill Park

Yeah Madame Fiona from Toooooooorack, Yore a wanker! Ya hear that? A wanker!

24 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Isn’t “Mill Park” where those bogans wrapped themselves around a tree, thereby making Mill Park the most maxxxtreme bogan suburb in Melbourne?

24 05 2010
Sherilee from Mill Park

You leave my mates alone, you hear? Anyhows, I’ll see ya on the piste (get it???) and me hubby will get ya when ya posing in the lift queue.

24 05 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
I think its one of those places where you see tee shirts on women saying ” Property of (insert wanker husbands name))” supermarkets specialise in Zero Coke by the slab and have security staff to controll the bougettes children. Boys like to drive Chevradores with whip aerials and driving lights on the roof and “no fuck no ride home” stickers in the back.
spaces between the houses stacked with empty boxes from wide screen Tv and other similar from Hardly Normals. These do give the Pitt Bull dogs a place to sleep and gnaw on straw babies.
It would make a good training ground for Army Sprecial Forces.
If they can rescue the baby ,kill the pitt bull with out breaking the Plasma TV they pass.

25 05 2010
James

Well done, JH. A vivid, and very bleak, picture is painted by your words.

25 05 2010
devil's advocate

Fiona of Toorak (18:48:32) asked: LOL. Isn’t “Mill Park” where those bogans wrapped themselves around a tree, thereby making Mill Park the most maxxxtreme bogan suburb in Melbourne?

Car chases in a suburb are a neccessary, but not sufficient, condition for boganity in a given suburb.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2007/09/24/2041093.htm?site=news

To take the crown, you have to have drive-by firebombing.

http://abc.gov.au/news/stories/2010/04/26/2882634.htm?site=news

25 05 2010
James

Wow. Was that your place Fiona?

25 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Fear ye not, James (and everyone else). Twas not the ancestral manse of your beloved Fiona.

25 05 2010
devil's advocate

The subterranean “manse” is immune from firebombing, being as it is the rented basement of some aspirational bogans who, stung by the unexpected rise in interest rates, sought to offset their crippling mortgage by taking in a boarder.

This arrangement was mutually beneficial, because it facilitated not one but two bogues in being able to claim an erstwhile upper-income locality as their own. And hence the thin end of the bogan wedge was inserted into Toorak.

24 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Those operators of Australia’s sacred cow abattoir, TISM, summed it up nicely in “X-Treme Sports Can Kiss My Arse”, from De Rigueurmortis:

Base jumping’s for pussies
Kick boxing’s for thugs
Jet skiers are morons,
Weight lifters need drugs
Abseiling is pointless
Why climb up a wall?
Only right wankers
Play beach volleyball.

The X-Treme Sport you haven’t tried yet
is kissing my arse.
Kiss my arse.

Met a snowboarder
Who wasn’t a turd?
Nah, neither have I!
The idea’s absurd
You get on a plank
Slide down some slush
Fall on your arse
Say “Man, what a rush!”

I turned on the telly
I just went, like, “Whoa!”
And used the remote
To flick through the shows!
I think I’ll watch footy
I know it’s not x-treme
But why take it to the max
When you can take it to the mean?

I think Ron Hitler-Barassi forewarned us all back in 2001 about snowboarders. So thanks, RHB.

25 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ Turnips

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

25 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

No wukkas, P!nky. Geez, I miss TISM. Rather partial to Humphrey B. Flaubert’s new band, ROOT!, reinventing himself as DC Root, swapping balaclava for a Stetson—’tis the next best thing for a recovering Victim, and just as engaging live as TISM were, but with far less of the knobhead yob quotient.

When I had my first opportunity to try out something on the snow back in 1998, I had the choice of either snowboarding or skiing. And even as a young lad then in his early 20s, I was still able to refrain from choosing the former, and finding skiing not that hard to get a handle on. In hindsight, I was able to spot the potential for snowboarding to become a magnet for wannabe maxxtremists.

25 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

I have never been on a snowboard and as a skier it just doesn’t appeal to me. I’m glad that the genre of skiing I prefer is cross country, it’s not maxxxtreme enough for bogans.

25 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

BAHH

“I’m glad that the genre of skiing I prefer is cross country, it’s not maxxxtreme enough for bogans.”**

This SHOULD read:

I’m glad that the genre of skiing I prefer is unpopular with bogans. Cross country is not maxxxtreme enough for bogans.

**not sure what or how the original crap came from but let us move on…

25 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

I’ve never listened to TISM. Probably more circumstantial than anything. Will go and listen to some on iTunes, I have a lot of time for anyone who can so beautifully express the stupidity of the bogan in song.

25 05 2010
brad

i highly recommend Great Truckin Songs of The Renaissance for starters and work forward from there they have some true gems and their gigs were always a great laugh.

26 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Seconded.

26 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Also significant in the context of boganism, http://www.tism.wanker.com (no longer a website, but the title of their 1998 album) is a twisted take on the concept album, for the concept is about the dualism of society into “yobs” and “wankers”, each of the songs dealing with either or both at least quite implicitly, if not so obviously. Some of TISM’s most intriguing and caustic observations are found there, such as “Whataerya”, “Dumb ‘n’ Base” and the embittered campfire refrain of “I’ve gone and pissed thirty years up against the wall”, in their paean to being stuck at middle-management in your mid-life, “The Men’s Room”

26 05 2010
brad

“Who is your favourite genius? James Herd or James Joyce?”.Such clarity in thought in that line,it sums up everything-life,death,James Hunter.I suspect TBL may be Ron Hitler-Barrassi’s illegitimate love sporn!

26 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

And to think someone made an ad with James Hurd and referring to him as a genius, I couldn’t help but silently laugh at all those dills out there who’ve never heard “Whatareya”, much less read Joyce. The same silent laugh I chuckle at one of my fellow students who wears Ed Hardy, a name charm on a necklace (in case they forget their name) and does poledancing recreationally—a bogan pursuit for young women who have any tickets on their own (alleged, self-reported) hotness and think they are a little bit like those Playboy models they wish to emulate, whilst at odds with their moral conservatism.

26 05 2010
brad

She sounds um interesting,do you have her number?

26 05 2010
James Hunter

Brad,
I think She has your number !

24 05 2010
T-ra

Not being a snowboarder or a skiier and having only been in snow a handful of times in my life, I have nothing really to say about today’s post. However, I was in New Zealand in June of last year. Husband went skiing…me on the other hand thought to myself ‘there are some things in life, I just do not need to do’ so I curled up with a hot chocolate, a book at the cafe at Coronet Peak and just people watched for a few hours.

I must say the number of people (from all nationalities) all kitted out, with seemingly no idea of what to do (“all the gear no idea” as Husband would say) outnumbered the people who actually appeared to know what they were doing. I suspect this is not just an ‘Australian Bogan’ phenom, but something that can also be attributed to their knuckle dragging cousins right around the world!

26 05 2010
brad

Good morning James everyone has your number !

24 05 2010
Operative Me

If anyone here is unfortunate enough to know any bogans personally, and those said bogues are keen on the idea of skiing/boarding in NZ (because of course, it’s more maxtreme!), just suggest Queenstown during the last week of August.

It’s gay ski week then, of course, so not only will Bazza, Dazza, Braeydehn, and Domminyck be disappointed that their locally-brewed, foreign-label beer-fuelled (let’s not forget duty free bundaberg rum – oh god TBL WHEN will you do a post on duty-free???), snow adventure be thwarted, but they are doubly embarrasssed when ‘those farkin poofs’ are gliding down the remarkables with ease as they nurse busted limbs.

A double-win for the rest of us, right? 1) we get rid of bogans for a full week, 2) we they, for once, become the minority

24 05 2010
Tombarina

Hee-hee – very good!

I had my two cents’ worth earlier today on the unholy trinity of bogues, snow and Q’town, but was unaware of Gay Ski Week.

I’m beside myself at the notion of neon-clad buffoons sulkily shrieking “f@&kin’ poofters” as, outnumbered and outshone, they flail around like palsied baboons.

24 05 2010
Johnny

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/01/27/31-snowboarding/

But I suppose the difference would be the emphasis on just BUYING a snowboard. We can’t have overlap between white people and “the wrong kind of white people” aka American bogans.

24 05 2010
Peter

Ask James Hunter #11 – saying the right thing or saying what wants to be heard.

James Hunter

just in and as anticipated, the luncheon was a roaring success. at about 7pm, the postprandial tinctures, gloriously envisioned from about 3 o’clock onwards, became a boisterous reality.however beneath the rumbustious surface of this positively swaying – dare i say, blokey – crowd (made up largely of the prole-ish, unruly class) i repeatedly noticed a rather disturbing tacticle inclination. namely, the drunker these Johnnies got (obviously our company picked up the tab on this part of the shindig as well) the more prone they were to embrace one another. frankly, after witnessing some of their gropes and fondles, I’ve concluded they were all but touching one another up.

when married it was my unwavering policy to eat dinner every night with my wife. it enabled me with a perfect excuse to oil out of any frost offered. and believe me, Jim, in the area of business i operate in some of the scaliest invitations are forthcoming. but anyway, just earlier on i received a somewhat gracious reciprocal invitation to a “curry” later on tonight (and as etiquette more or less demanded that they’d pay, it would, no doubt, have been at some horrible backstreet greasy spoon in Haymarket). however the chap who requested my company extended his fin towards mine in such a suggestive, effeminate way that, worldly guy though i am, i practically recoiled in shock. i certainly didn’t want to give this dude the wrong (read, poofy!) impression, so I was, momentarily, caught off guard and couldn’t think of a single appropriate response (short of, “I’ll knock you out, cunt”). anyway, as luck would have it, my phone happened to ring allowing me to pretend that it was my wife thereby eliciting my rapid departure.

what should I have said to this camper had my phone not rung?

Peter.

25 05 2010
vivisection

“Sorry, I’m a homophoboic c#nt” would have been a good opener.

25 05 2010
vivisection

“I’m too old for you ” would be honest.

or

“You could do a lot better than me” would be truthful

25 05 2010
Tombarina

Peter, what does any of this have to do with snowboarding?

I’ve double-checked, and the topic du jour isn’t “Self-Absorbed Non-Contributing Twats With Nary An Original Notion To Their Credit”.

Enough, please. If I want to learn more about your thrilling existence and enjoy your incisive, witty repartee at length, I’ll wait for the biopic: “Not Without My Asshat: The Boring Peter Story”.

25 05 2010
vivisection

Tombarina : Just check his blog, save you buying the book.

25 05 2010
Shirley M

Don’t bother leaving a comment, though. It will never make it out of moderation.

25 05 2010
Tombarina

Peter’s Enormously Interesting Blog must have been mentioned while I was awaaaaaayyyyyy – and tragically, I missed it.
And I can’t find it, no matter how many times I google “Peter self-fancying prat blog”. Perhaps I’m being too specific…..

25 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I think you just click on his name.

25 05 2010
Tombarina

Nope. Shan’t.

25 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Good call Tombarina, I made the mistake of clicking…and I shall never be the same.

25 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

ooh I’m in moderation…please publish my last comment TBL and I’ll stop swearing so much!! PROMISE…;)

25 05 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
wonder if there is a “delete peter “function

25 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Who’s Peter?

25 05 2010
James Hunter

Six “tens” for Fiona

25 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Tombarina, Shirl and Vivi,

I thought I was the only one who was sick of this arse clown.

We all know that he’s 15, lives in McMasionland, and as if he has a job that doesn’t require “Would you like fries with that?”

Peter, please, fuck off back to your “blog” (I use the term loosely), or finish your homework, or go play WoW. Your imput is retarded at best. And I’m sick to death of hearing your homophobic bollocks.

No Gay man would ask you out, your must reek of homophobia…or is that Brute 33:?

25 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Shirl, it appears no one else bothers with comments on his blog. I wonder why that is?

25 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Perhaps it’s his winning online persona?

25 05 2010
James Hunter

he’s got a persona?

25 05 2010
Tombarina

ka-CHING!

25 05 2010
Shirley M

Perhaps, Simon. No doubt readership is low. I think it’s safe to assume that Peter presides as both ‘author’ and Goebbels on the blog, and only the favourable comments will ever be published. Hence, none.

25 05 2010
vivisection

Maybe some generously tipped “skirt” will send him comment or two?

25 05 2010
vivisection

He may be the modern day Ignatius J. Reilly from A Confederacy of Dunces. That’s how I picture him. Food gorging, ranting, self absorbed and opinionated. The only real difference being that the Ignatius Reilly character was likeable, despite being flatulent.

25 05 2010
Shirley M

Careful Viv. I’m a big fan of Ignatius. Let’s just say they share some qualities.

25 05 2010
vivisection

You’re right, I shouldn’t do such a disservice to Ignatius Reilly. I very respectfully tread a thin line….

25 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Oh my goodness! Great minds (or in our case, my great mind and your two) were on the exact same wavelength.

I read his latest missive and dear Ignatius sprang to mind immediately.

Ah, dear Ignatius. I wonder if his statue at the Chateau Bourbon survived Katrina? I really must look whence next I venture to my manse in the Garden District.

25 05 2010
brad

Fine dining in Sydney what a moron.

25 05 2010
vivisection

Fine dining in Crows Nest – hilarious

25 05 2010
Sibyl Ince

TBL you’re asking my imagination to run a little too far with this one. The day I see a bogan out of its thongs is the day I’ll believe they snowboard.

25 05 2010
amr

Oh they do Sibyl. I have seen it first hand. Every year.

The CUB has credit dollars to splash around on items to be used once on a full week trip to Mt Buller with the rest of the week spent in the bar or the spa making up stories about their maxxxtreme alpine feats on double blacks and halfpipes and their irresistibly to the alpine cougar for their poor CUB mates back home who couldn’t ‘afford’ to go.

25 05 2010
Sibyl Ince

“I have seen it first hand. Every year.”

With or without their thongs?

25 05 2010
amr

Without.

25 05 2010
miss dahl

Looks like I’m a little late with this one: I remember being in a bogan-filled tour bus heading down to Perisher many years ago with some Irish friends. The bogans (middle half of the bus) became particularly put off and mouthy when, bored with listening to their hours of bogan-related bullshit, we, from the back of the bus, started singing moving renditions of Irish classics, including a particularly soulful “Whiskey in the Jar”….

25 05 2010
Tombarina

Not the Metallica version?

25 05 2010
brad

Tis the best one

25 05 2010
Tombarina

Tis my favourite. And if that makes me a bogue, then so be it!

25 05 2010
brad

Whack for my Paddy Bogue, whack for my Paddy bogue,there’s glassin in the jaro

25 05 2010
Tombarina

Zing! I’d never considered that as an option….but it works.

25 05 2010
miss dahl

More the Thin Lizzy version …

25 05 2010
James

Here I was hoping you would say The Dubliners…

25 05 2010
miss dahl

On picking up the pace, we did, indeed. sound very much like the Dubliners.

25 05 2010
Simon of South Yarra

Speaking of snow – don’t forget to check out barry Humphries’look at snow people

25 05 2010
Peter

Presenting a brand new TBL service.

“Dear Fe”

Present Fi with the ripples you face in the choppy waters of modern etiquette. Rely on her with utmost confidence.

#1

Dear Fi

When engaging downstairs staff, ought the butler be present at the interview? My man Harmsworth is of the opinion that he should. While I say he should not. I could always overrule, but presently relations are already strained enough what with me wearing the toweling robe at the dining table. Although I suspect the real reason old Harmie wants to loiter is to learn precisely what level of envelope I intend disgorging so he can get in early for his cut.

What can I say to him when this tiresome matter is raised again?

Peter

25 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Quite right you are to raise both this service and this particular question, Peter.

Apropos your specific issue…

As a matter of good form, Harmsworth should be present (however, I do need to point out that it’s never good form to refer to your butler (or any of the help) in so familiarly a fashion as “Harmy”.)

Having said that, there may be times when you are right to exercise discretion and excuse him. At these times, Harmsworth should retreat with the grace and dignity of his position. Should he refuse to behave in a most gentleman like manner, a week of exile helping the kitchen staff should perform the necessary attitude adjustment.

25 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

If I may venture an opinion I think a jolly good rodgering is called for.

*glass*

25 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Just who are you glassing here Simon?

I shan’t hesitate to remove your glassing privileges you know.

25 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

As if you need to ask fair one. I take my task very seriously.

25 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. That’s fine. Just wanted to check.

Slash away Simon, slash away.

25 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

You may ask who needs the rodgering but I think we all know the answer to that as well.

25 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. 😐

25 05 2010
Peter

Fi,

Quite. However I failed to mention that Harmsworth’s mother comes from a long line of hoteliers; French hoteliers. His grandfather on her side was practically born in correct evening attire with an upturned palm extended outwards.

Peter

25 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. In that case, Harmsworth should know better than even your good self the etiquette required!

25 05 2010
Cam

As a fan of snowboarding I can’t help but be overwhelmed by sadness at the realisation that the things I love are being eroded away by the bogan… IS NOTHING SACRED TO YOU BASTARDS!!!

25 05 2010
Peter

Dear Fi

It is clear from this latest TBL offering that bogans do not avail themselves of ski or snowboard lessons. However bogans flush with funds think nothing of unbelting for services rendered by a personal trainer. However I strongly suspect the reasons for such common behaviour stem from the bogan’s innate inclination to leer at a leotard or footer shorts wearing, hot bodied member of the opposite sex.

What are three vitally important points to to remember when (or in my case, a rather big if) hiring a personal trainer?

25 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL.

I really can’t answer, as you are requiring me to respond from the bogan perspective, something my higher degree in the Classics, station in life and breeding make impossible.

I would, however, make the observation that I don’t like my PT’s to be in footer or rugger shorts.

26 05 2010
devil's advocate

It is indeed an enviable “station in life” – whereby you can get the Cranbourne line, the Franston line, or the Pakenham line.

Sure, I wouldn’t want to inhabit that station in life huddled in a corner, wrapped in newspapers and discarded clothes retrieved from the charity bin, asking for change from passers-by, as Fiona does, but at least her life if one of convenience.

25 05 2010
James Hunter

Peter,
the first thing your personal trainer should do is give you a jolly good rogering. This will save Simon the distasteful job. Think of it as a Circuit Breaker ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

25 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Would a 24% PbO crystal old-fashioned tumbler work well as an attitude adjustment tool in this context, Simon? Please elucidate.

26 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Bag O’,

Anything that gives a good jagged edge, that you can get a firm grip on and is robust enough for the job will suffice. I am not sure I would waste a nice crystal tumblet though. Walking in Peter’s suburb I suspect you will find plenty of broken stubbies around and these should be quite adequate for the adjustment.

Re the rodgering, I am not volunteering James so I think your suggestion re the personal trainer is admirable. Also personal trainers and their use is 100% bogan. I am sure TBL will fill us all in on the reasons soon.

26 05 2010
vivisection

Simon, do you mean to tell me that Shannon from Biggest Loser is a bogan? Just because he has a massive tribal tatt on his massive guns, yells a lot, hangs out with a skank in lycra. Oh ok…..

26 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Sorry to bust illusions dude…….

26 05 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Thanks Simon. I could rely on you to further educate us all on the fine art of Glassin’ C**ts. In those instances, forearmed is forewarned, rather than the usual consideration being transposed the other way around in any other matters of concern which call for discretion.

26 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Very true, hard to be discrete with a broken bottle in your hand and blood on the ground whilst screaming carnt.

26 05 2010
Peter

Oh, James Hunter, avoid laughing at your own jokes. It only confirms claims made by others that you regularly laugh out of context.

27 05 2010
fafajadmiko

If they were really x-treme – they wouldn’t be *just* snowboarding – they’d be jumping out of helicopters. In a suit. With a drink in hand.

28 05 2010
lol

The hot pink line at the end of this makes the article. my two bogan friends favourite colour is hot pink!

29 05 2010
Ironhalo

My brother’s g/f’s father is a member of one of the lodges at Mt Buller, and it’s named the ‘University’ lodge. After asking his potential father-in-law why it was called ‘the University Lodge’ he replied, ‘Well to gain membership and stay here, you require a university degree. We find it keeps the majority of undesirables out.’

Lol.

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