The bogan holds a variety of convictions, which, whilst internally inconsistent, are rarely open to negotiation. These opinions are based largely on the incomprehensible and contradictory whisperings of the trashmedia kraken. Because the bogan is just a soggy rodent in the waters of political discourse, it will cling to these convictions like a piece of barnacled flotsam in a particularly savage maelstrom. The bogan can often be seen shouting in an incoherent and grammatically wrong fashion as it circles the political suckhole.
The bogan, uninterested in the high falutin’ opinions of ivory tower academics, will not have studied the relevant subject matter in even the most cursory manner. Being from the ‘real world’, the bogan understands things on a higher level than a mere academic. It is just as well the bogan has a preternatural sense for how things are in the ‘real world’, because it gets its news and views as part of the blinkered programming of one of three commercial television networks.
When it comes to Islam, the bogan is particularly at sea. When its ginormous TV spits out brief, vague and highly-coded news of events occurring in the Middle East, the bogan grips tighter to its barnacled flotsam. This particular flotsam comes in the form of the Qu’ran, which the bogan knows on an intuitive level, without having read any of it, or found out what happens in it.
The bogan will tell people that the Qu’ran binds all Muslims to a thing called ‘Shania’s Law’, which compels them to spread chaos and oppression throughout the globe. In the bogan’s mind, Muslims of all stripes, each one a potential suicide bomber, have been fighting each other since before the time of Jesus. This, the bogan believes, has all been in order to attain maxtreme quantities of virgins in the afterlife. The bogan is highly suspicious of this, as the bogan wants its virgins right away, without having to work for them.
In recent times, the bogan has become increasingly concerned that the thrice-locked boganic wonderland of Australia is under threat from these Shania’s Law-following, virgin-motivated warriors. After all, Muslim terrorists were responsible for shutting down one of the best bars in Bali, and the bogan barely saved Cronulla from being the beachhead for an Islamic caliphate. But strangely, the threat of bombing has taken a back seat lately to the threat of garment-based attack. The bogan is continually haunted by the image of a woman wearing the burqa, because the bogan prefers its women to be largely clothes-free, or at least to show a bit of exposed ‘G’. Because the burqa deprives bogans of their fundamental right to leer at every woman equally, the bogan does not like the burqa. But when it tries to convince someone of this, the bogan may even give an uncharacteristic nod to the female liberation movement, before skipping infuriatingly to a carefully crafted theory detailing how Sheikh Alcopop is using Saudi oil dollars to launch a jihad on massive cans.