Welcome dear readers, to a new TBL initiative for Fridays. In our never-ending quest to ensure that the bogan menace is properly catalogued, assessed and mocked, it is about to hit a whole new level. There is an election coming. When, we’re not sure – the smart money seems to be sometime from late August to early October, but no one really knows right now. And when there’s an election, the bogan-industrial complex goes into meltdown.
So, for the next howevermany weeks, we here at Things Bogans Like will undertake the civic service that is bogan psephology – the study of whichever political party throws money/fear at bogans, and who promises to make housing more affordable while ensuring that house prices keep rising. The party that does these things more effectively will win. The bogan has the power. So, let’s get to it.
The bogan loves AC/DC. It matters not, here, whether we are referring to the bogan of old, or the modern bogan menace; they all love AC/DC. Hence, the ALP was onto a winner when they decided to release a budget that was all about ‘returning the budget to surplus’, thereby guaranteeing a raft of headlines the next day that riffed on the idea of Australian being ‘Back in (the) Black’. By associating itself so closely with the Young brothers, the government virtually assured itself a bump in the polls after a horror week of losing the votes of every smoking bogan in the country.
However, in terms of pure bogan politics, the budget was a mixed bag. The bogan is deeply assured that the government is capable of running the country in a manner that avoids crippling debt, as it stares mournfully at its own credit card statement, and contemplates how long it will be before Mr Norman comes to retrieve his couch. The bogan is also thrilled at the idea that the government has abolished tax returns. While the annual tax return is the one and only piece of official paperwork the bogan will lodge on time, the abrogation of that responsibility is an enormous, vote-winning burden off its shoulders.
Elsewhere, the government has promised to spend $1.2 billion extra dollars fighting illegal foreign people. The bogan loves this idea because it sounds warlike, and the bogan deeply believes that its true place is on the frontline, if only it wasn’t burdened with crippling laziness and cowardice. Previously announced, was the mining ‘super-profit tax’. The bogan doesn’t really know what that means, and is confused. It hates tax, loves the things tax buys, likes hearing about super things, but not super taxes. It’s enough to make a bogan’s head spin. However, it is reassured that much of the money will go towards working families. The bogan works periodically, and has a family. Kevin did it for them.
There are, however – and this is important – no new handouts to bogans. The first homeowners’ grant has not been extended. Its child’s ADD medicine will be more expensive as PBS funding has been cut. And the negative gearing tax break has been halved. This is terrible news for the bogan considering expanding its already bulging property portfolio (which is a word the bogan just LOVES using). Also, there is a line in the budget setting money towards ‘removing material which is refused classification’ from the net. The bogan will publicly suggest that it is in favour of this law, in order to protect the children. In the privacy of the polling booth, however, the bogan male will vote to protect its porn.
All in all, the bogan is unlikely to change its mind over this budget. It fails to pass the ‘what’s in it for me’ test, which the Howard government made the ultimate litmus test for the success of a budget at bogan-baiting. The Herald Sun and Daily Telegraph will tell the bogan what to think about it via a crisply produced infographic.
ALP Score: 5 killer riffs out of 10