#139 – Bear Grylls

13 05 2010

With rogue crocodiles freely roaming northern Queensland and going entirely unhunted for several years, those absent hunts had gone unfilmed. As a result, commercial television programming was lopsided, and predictably propped up by endless repeats of Two and a Half Men. While the bogan was happy with this solution on the surface, something was missing; new animals had to be told who was boss on behalf of the bogan.

Hungry television producers, meanwhile, were busily looking for a way to make money from the bogan’s love for adventurous idiocy. They sorely missed Steve Irwin. Then on a dreary June morning, somewhere in the Isle of Wight, a Bear was born. But this Bear was different from most. Three Kings came to visit its manger, named Max, Maxx and Maxxx. This bear sought refuge in the dreams of scaling unscalable cliffs, fighting poisonous predators and generally being awesome like Robinson Crusoe.

Luckily, its parents were wealthy and influential, and less than six winters from being a mere daydreaming cub, Bear had successfully conquered Mount Everest, swam around the world, mapped the Amazonian rainforests, and wrestled six-headed alligators with its bare hands. But all that did not matter to bogans, who were mainly interested in what the Bear could do for THEM.

Courtesy of network television, the bogan now has its hourly fix of watching a crazy adventurer do maxtreme shit and eat a variety of crazy foods for its own amusement. The Bear’s quest for protein, while being followed by a camera crew laden with muesli bars and doughnuts, led him to consume an array of semi-foods that left the bogan agape at his stunning levels of awesome. In the period of one year, the Bear ate turtle, grasshopper, raw goat testicle, raw sheep heart, myriad unidentified insects, rotting zebra carcass, giant larvae, then drank liquefied elephant shit, camel stomach fluid and his own urine.

He was a survivor, adventurer, foodie, TV star and legend.  The bogan sat on its recliner, in front of the television, hair windblown by the infinite levels of maxtreme wow emanating from the LCD. “I’d probably be able to eat that too”, it remarked as the Bear consumed a rotten rat kidney under a blazing sun, comfortable in the knowledge that its claim would never be put to the test.

UPDATE: Here is conclusive evidence that the bogan watches, and mimics, the Bear.


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169 responses

13 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. When I go on safari, I make sure I have at least 6 well armed hunters, teams of Land Rovers and first rate accommodation brought along too. And Chef.

I don’t really need Bear Grylls to tell me how to survive in these conditions.

13 05 2010
devil's advocate

Driving down to the local westfield shopping town in an SUV does not constitute a safari, no matter how much the denizens of said shopping mall may resemble big game.

13 05 2010
miss dahl

Ouch! Devil by name and by nature!

13 05 2010
Paddington

This is the best comment, ever, on this site. Well done!

14 05 2010
big_baggies

it’s old now

5 12 2010
LMFAO

Says Fiona Of Toorak, who is following Bear Grylls on Twitter, lmao.

You by the way, are a fuckwit.
xo

6 12 2010
James Hunter

kmfao, takes one to know one

13 05 2010
Budovski

Bullshit you pretentious wank lords! The Grylls is fucking awesome and limp dicked fringe obsessed emaciated coolsie spank offs like you guys need to show some respect. The Grylls is fantastic and he is on bloody SBS… How many bogans ever turn to that channel? TBL is starting to fall to pieces, takes you a whole week to come up with this shit when easy stuff like ‘Staffies’ have not been touched.

Staffies? Untouched? Au contraire…TBL

13 05 2010
Mick

‘The Grylls’. People call him that?

I would suggest that is quite bogan in itself.

13 05 2010
Sibyl Ince

I find myself in the position of agreeing with you, Bud. TBL is becoming pretentious and self-congratulatory, imho. (IOW pretty much a mirror of its regular posters)

As for ‘Staffies’… if you mean the canine variety, well I have to say I’ve never ever seen one during any of my many trips to Straya. The only dogs I see there are those hand-held attack dogs; the ones you’ve got to get in really close to use properly, then stow in your handbag, manbag or knapsack.

16 05 2010
caracal1788

Staffies, or Staffordshire Bull Terriers, are actually quite a common dog breed in Australia. As a vet, I’ve noticed many people can’t distinguish between Staffies and Pit Bull Terriers. Let me assure you that the bogans can, especially since Pit Bulls are regulated if not illegal in most states. The bogan enjoys this flouting of authority, even if it does list it as a “Staffy cross” to be on the safe side.

13 05 2010
vivisection

Budovski, What bogans would tune in to SBS? – Fat Pizza Bogans and Swift and Shift Courier Bogans, that’s who.

You left out pre-Channel 9 Top Gear. TBL

13 05 2010
devil's advocate

TBL, if you go after Top Gear, you really, really will alienate a lot of otherwise devoted people. Some things need to be sacrosanct.

13 05 2010
Gavin

Yes i agree, a show about high performance cars hosted by a moron who shouts POWER at least 47 times per episode is strictly non-bogue… right?

13 05 2010
Tone

Top Gear is deceptively complicated. You have two people on it that are opposite ends of the bogan spectrum (the most maXXXtreme Richard Hammond vs the least maXXXtreme James May). Then, you have Clarkson who successfully walks a very fine line between balls-out boganity and understated intellect.

TG challenges the bogan by providing maXXXtreme inner conflict. As staunch anti-intellectuals, they hate smart arse pommy wankers. But they love burnouts and celebrities. It does the average bogan’s head in. That said, Nein have successfully bogued TG up to the point where it’s now virtually unwatchable on TV.

13 05 2010
devil's advocate

Top Gear would be bogan if they wanked on about v8 utes and bloody commodores. As it is, they overwhelmingly prefer Aston Martins and AMGs to typical CUB-preferred cars such as lamborghini and ferrari. Also, they have a true appreciation for all things automotive, and don’t just see it as a tool for burnouts/impressing chicks.

To understand the distinction fully, see Top Gear Australia, which is both rubbish and bogan.

13 05 2010
Mick

Top Gear loved the Vauxhall Monaro thus giving the show an infinite amount of bogan delight.

13 05 2010
devil's advocate

One vauxhall does not a bogan make.

Sure, they have fun, but by and large the show is anything but bogan.

13 05 2010
Mick

Oh, i agree with you. it seems to me the bogan enjoys this show on a much different level to most.

A level that doesn’t understand wit, style or intelligence but enjoys burn-outs and a man in a racing suit.

13 05 2010
pb

it’s cars going fast and sometimes going boom – how can it not have bogan appeal?

14 05 2010
Brimstone

everyone likes the cars that go boom

13 05 2010
Valo

Having a crossover from your life on this list does not a bogue make. However if the Ed Hardy fits…

13 05 2010
Pete

HA!! Too funny!

14 05 2010
Brimstone

i don’t own a car and hate the outdoors, but Top Gear and Man vs Wild are both awesome

14 05 2010
TGS . . TopGearSux

Sorry, Top Gear blows utterly. It’s a car show for people who don’t know, and don’t want to know, about cars. It’s banal entertainment, which surely explains its success.

13 05 2010
Thomas

And those who loved the terrible bogan pride.

13 05 2010
Kat

That really was terrible.

13 05 2010
Carlos the Jackal

And let’s not forget, Budovski, that the bogan heard something about being able to see some massive cans on SBS…

13 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Exactly Carlos, they don’t even care that it’s in foreign language. The bogan loves it’s soft porn…**rolls eyes**

13 05 2010
martin

Is TBL saving all the good stuff for the book? I’ve never seen this Grylls person. As a somewhat bogan person in my yoof I watched Malcolm Douglas religiously and dreamt of doing a trip around the top end in an old 70s landcruiser and eating a goanna.

Now I’m old I wouldn’t want to put up with the long hours driving and the stinking fucking heat and living like shit in dirt. Which imo is basically what camping is.

If by ‘good stuff’ you mean ‘things Martin agrees with’, then no. TBL

13 05 2010
BloodyHeel

Staffies are non-bogan if you’ve got one that is nine years old, right?

13 05 2010
Kat

Why nine years old? Staffies were bogan 20 years ago, along with bull terriers (not pit bulls, the normal English bull terrier).

14 05 2010
Lol-plates

I love bull terriers I love their Temprement and that nose! I had a bull terrier/ kelpy cross when I was a kid.

13 05 2010
miss dahl

Why is he awesome? Is it because he (literally) eats shit and anything else unfit for consumption just for the sake of ratings and a truckload of cash? Our definitions of “awesome” (the word itself has become hackneyed) seem to differ somewhat. Or is it because he was/is a priveleged rich kid who climbs big mountains in other countries (amazing what people with massive financial resources and a nine year old boy’s imagination can do in their lengthy spare time!) When I see truly awesome, I’ll comment.

13 05 2010
Budovski

Dahl, quit your hate and get down and bow before the awesomeness of The Grylls! Can you stomach a mouthful of your own fermented piss from an improvised snakeskin water bottle? No, that’s because you are soft and The Grylls is a fucking hard ass nut ruler. Would love to see you skinny jeans addicts trying to parachute balls out style into a mangrove swamp infested by Alligators. You would have shit dripping down your legs and be praying for Jarvis Cocker to come serenade you. Time for TBL love fest to smashed apart, Grylls style!

13 05 2010
vivisection

Fermented Piss, bah!, alligators, whatever – shit in your pants – nothing to it. I’ve worked with some mean, vicious Queens over the years. Some of these bitches could reduce the Grylles to a quivering mess and guess his cock size with one withering glance. Try wearing the wrong shade of red with orange, having a new haircut, gaining a kilo or mixing synthetics around some these divas and you’ll shit your pants to a internal Ministry soundtrack and wish you could relax in a mangrove full of alligators.

13 05 2010
Budovski

Listen Viv, while your jamming amyl nitrate in your rectum, people like the Grylls are out there teaching millions of kids some decent skills. People like you can’t even survive further north than Brunswick road let alone tough it out in Patagonia. The Grylls is a damn good man, he loves his wife and kids and provides millions of people with hours worth of solid entertainment. Thats more overall entertainment than all the Indie music ever made. What do you make of that?

13 05 2010
vivisection

I’ve been in the northern wilds near the corner of Sydney rd and Albion Street for 6 years now! Skills schmills, Patagonia is for pussies. Didn’t that Ainslie Harriot celeberity chef have BBQ’s there?? I can recall him can-can-ing about and having a merry old time with a mince pattie and friendly locals.

If the Grylls loves his wife and kids so much, why is throwing himself into alligator filled mangroves at the first opportuntity?. And you right, if making a dick of yourself is considered entertainment, he has contributed more than the indie music scene ever has or could.

13 05 2010
Budovski

Pfft Albion street is the new greville, loads of studpid cafes with uncomfortable box seats and vegan food. Bet you have never ballsed out and gone into Crystal T’s whilst eating a Kebab from kebab station Coburg.

The Grylls throws himself into danger so we can all learn from him and avoid danger. The Grylls suffers so we can be safe.

13 05 2010
vivisection

I did go to Crystal T’s for a Nurse Betty Party a few years back. Lot of angry lezzos, fucked up queens and low rent trannies, but didn’t see The Grylls there though. Maybe he was scared off that night? Or having a nice one in with the missus and sprogs. Perhaps it was curry or fish’n’chips night at the Grylls’ “emoh ruo”

13 05 2010
vivisection

The Coke Zero Swilling Swamp Donkey also threw herself into danger so we could all learn. Where’s her tv series? I mean what more does she have to do? She hasn’t “drinken” water for more than 2 years! She beat her boyfriend up for Coke Zero. She cant afford hair bleach and she spends her life on the front porch swilling shit all day. And she can’t spend quality time with her kids at the movies because of her commitment.
Don’t try and tell me The Grylls is looking out for us all!

13 05 2010
James Hunter

Bud,
Maybe what we need here is a show where the main character take the audience through the kill and eat routine for all the things that bogans normally eat? abatttoir to big mac and lamb roast? longline fishing to tuna sandwich? chicken processing plant to Kentucky fried? Second grade tommatoes into tomatoe sauce? Great chunks of bleading liver into pate? All fantastic for either people who are realists or for those who dont kno or care. Wonder where the bogan fits?
Any luck we may turn some off food for life and they will longer. ? Sorry thats obviously a bad idea!

13 05 2010
Budovski

I like your idea Hunts,

‘KILL & EAT’ 8:30PM Wednesday Ch 9, bogans get to eat a dead rotting chicken off the floor of a battery hen farm before the KFC truck arrives to deliver it to store!

13 05 2010
James Hunter

Kfc truck leaves hen farm , country road ,dark night,dead rabbit in the lights ahead, truck screams to a stop driver leaps out ,picks it up throws it in the truck. “That makes up for the chook we were short. Keep your eyes open. a couple more and we get a bonus”

13 05 2010
vivisection

see a chicken turn into salmonella, into a kebab at coburg kebab station…. oooh more explosive diarrhoea, just like the Grylls!

13 05 2010
Alister

Budovski, I do not think your comments are supporting the assertion that Bear Grylls is not bogan.

13 05 2010
Budovski

Alister, don’t you start mate or you will end up in a world of hurt. Firstly your name is that of a complete snooty twat, almost as bad as Sebastian or Paris. Secondly when addressing or referring to Bear Grylls use the the term ‘The Grylls’ or ill jam an improvised pungi stick in your eye. Make sense?

13 05 2010
Girl fo Madness

Budovski – you are obviously a bogan and do not belong on this site. Go back to your giant plasma bought with the baby bonus money and watch the Bear do his thing. Whatever. I’ve met the Bear – he’s ok. Pretty enthiusiastic about life. However his show is made to entertain, even he admits this. Everything on television is there to make money and for absolutely no other reason. Stop deluding yourself mate.

13 05 2010
Mick

Best troll ever!

*applause*

13 05 2010
Juice

Awesome!

Some real debate and controversy on TBL again, and not JUST that pain in the arse Fiona LOLOLOL polluting the comments.

28 09 2010
Les

lol, freedom of speech incarnate.

13 05 2010
Glass 'em all

Never watched it, though Bear seems to have a list of genuinely awesome achievements. Does this show have a super at the end saying “Plenty of animals were harmed during the making of this programme”?

13 05 2010
devil's advocate

He does seem to find particularly barbaric ways of murdering the animals he eats.

Well, the ones that aren’t already long-dead.

13 05 2010
James Hunter

you have no doubt not seen where Kentucky Fried comes from?

28 09 2010
Les

i turned my tv on to see him throwing rocks at a poisonous snakes head and then proceeded to, quite foolishly, cook it over a fire in the middle of the american wilderness when bears where around. hes a knob.

13 05 2010
Jake

Another thing the bogan does not understand is that he is also ex British SAS so he’s most likely killed a bunch of dudes too. Awesome.

That, Jake, is a most excellent point. TBL

13 05 2010
Shirley M

Of course they know he’s ex SAS! Not 3 minutes of Man vs Wild can pass without Bear saying ‘I learnt this in the special forces’. Some of them may not have made the logical leap that this means killing humans, though.

13 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. And ate their sock filtered testicles!

13 05 2010
Blueballs

Actually, Bear was a member of the reserve part of the SAS, which, despite technically been ‘special forces’ makes him a choco. From what I can gather, he never served on active duty, hence never killed anyone.

Yep, he’s no Ranulph Fiennes and he sure as hell isn’t Major Les ‘The Bush Tucker Man’ Hiddens, but i would’ve thought Bears popularity transended the niche Bogan market TBL have him pinned for. Me’s thinks TBL is clutching at straws here?

13 05 2010
vivisection

Me thinks JB HI Fi sky rocketing sales would beg to differ.

13 05 2010
Kat

I don’t know – the only people I’ve heard mention Bear Gryll also have huge blownup glamour photography in their house and work in the mines.

13 05 2010
Shirley M

Until now.

13 05 2010
Shirley M

I absolutely love Bear. I would never make out with him, though. Not since he ate a yak’s eyeball.

13 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. You don’t make out with Bear. You lie there and enjoy the ravishing he gives you.

13 05 2010
Shirley M

That would be fine with me as long as he didn’t touch any part of me with his completely non-discerning mouth.

13 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I can see it now (all too well, sadly). Bear looks up at you, fresh from completing a maxxxtreme round of oral coitus and with a boyish grin, says “mmm, fishy”.

13 05 2010
Shirley M

That would NEVER happen!!!!

13 05 2010
vivisection

Just lie back and think of England.

13 05 2010
Mick

Or a scrumptious dead squirrel in England.

14 05 2010
Solskjaer

G O L D

13 05 2010
James Hunter

Now ,Now Fi, That would make you shudder . Just a little tiny one but a shudder just the same.

13 05 2010
Willy

No. There are some things that even Bear Grylls won’t eat.

13 05 2010
Girl fo Madness

Hahaha best comment 🙂

13 05 2010
Fiona of Balwyn

He’s head of the scouts in the UK too.

Bogans do love him but I think a lot of non-bogans love him too.
When I lived in the UK in a house with 3 boys it was the other only show we’d all be in for and watch together.
He’s a psycho but I have happy memories.

Oh did you also know he is a hardcore Christian and his family are super Conservative having a number of relatives who’ve been Tory MPs?

13 05 2010
Sibyl Ince

Christian, Tory, Scout Leader. Are you saying he’s a paedo?

13 05 2010
vivisection

Better watch him around that knocked up horse married to the new British PM that looks like a spoon.

13 05 2010
SD

Vivisection, even for someone in Gordon’s camp like me that was mean.

All this SAS talk reminds me of another former soldier who was at pains to remind us of his soldiering, James Blunt.

Blunt or Bear, I steer clear of them all. Bear seems to have a non bogan following solely because he is Steve Irwin with a plummy accent.

13 05 2010
Sten

Ugh… James Blunt. I now use his name as rhyming slang for c*nt.

13 05 2010
Paddington

I am *definitely* stealing that! It’s fantastic!

13 05 2010
SD

Vivisection, even for someone in Gordon’s camp like me that was mean.

All this SAS talk reminds me of another former soldier who was at pains to remind us of his soldiering, James Blunt.

Blunt or Bear, I steer clear of them all. Bear seems to have a non bogan following solely because he is Steve Irwin with a plummy accent.

13 05 2010
vivisection

Sorry, i had just forgotten her name. And really she is a prime target for the Bear – ultra-conservative family, buckets of old money, equine, inbred features (mean maybe, but undeniable nonetheless) and pregnant. If as Sibyl suggested, the Bear is a paedophile, and we know he is partial to eating animals, she and her baby are in definitely at risk.

Unless you think I was mean for saying her husband looks like a spoon. I will qualify that by saying a greasy spoon would have been more accurate.

13 05 2010
Shirley M

Bear is nothing like Steve Irwin. Steve Irwin played with snakes and crocodiles and shit for fun. Bear EATS them! Raw! And pisses in their skins! And then DRINKS the urine! Then, he gets explosive diarrhea! Awesome!

13 05 2010
SD

And it’s on TV, so it must all be true! And Bear is so all man the testosterone is spilling from my TV!

PS: Duh, sorry about the double posting.

13 05 2010
pb

and he doesn’t say crikey!

13 05 2010
vivisection

I’m no fan of the guy, but his hair is better too.

13 05 2010
Shirley M

So is his bum and sense of humour.

13 05 2010
Paul

Classy, vivisection. You sound like typical Labor bogan poor trash.

13 05 2010
vivisection

Paul. Wrong, don’t think much of the Labour party, haven’t voted for them in years. Vote green. Not poor either, well paid job. Middle class. Don’t bother trying again.

17 05 2010
The Penguin

A vote for Green “Is” a vote for Labor.

13 05 2010
toony

@ Sibyl – given that he’s also hell bent on the unneccesary killing of random creatures, and the suggested link between that behaviour and kid-fiddling…
Saw him once in a clip from his show in Australia, and he killed a beautiful Olive Python for no purpose (other than ‘entertaining’ bogans).

Now I see he’s coming to Australia again? Hmmm…my first and only glassing of cunce. 🙂

13 05 2010
Tubesteak

Methinks you’ve watched it too much to be able to know everything he’s done.

I watched part of an episode recently because there was nothing else on. It made me long for the days of Harry Butker and Les Higgins

13 05 2010
Tone

I don’t think that Bear Grylls will reach his maxxxtreme potential until Channel Nein steal the rights to his show from SBS, cut it to pieces, fill it with ads and show it 4 times a week. Hey, it worked for Top Gear …

13 05 2010
vivisection

Don’t forget they need to make a half arsed local version.

13 05 2010
Tone

Complete with some unfunny ex-pat that’s been living in the UK for the past 20 years and shouts too much.

13 05 2010
vivisection

Could we give Ranger Stacey a weekend of SAS training and send her outback with nothing but a pair of Khaki shorts and a light pashmina. Actually is Bindi Irwin too young?

13 05 2010
T-ra

I have absolutely never heard of this Bear person before reading this post! If that is really a Zebra carcus he is eating from, then I have positively no desire to become acquainted with him either. As for Bogans not watching SBS, I thought lots of them watched SBS, especially late at night in the hope of seeing boobs!

13 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

T-ra, I’m with you. How watching something like this is entertaining I do not know, sorry Fiona of Balwyn, but it’s just too stupid.

13 05 2010
Jo

I think Bear appeals to us “limp dicked fringe obsessed emaciated coolsie spank offs” in a “this is so stupid its kind of funny” way and he appeals to the Bogan in a “this is so awesome and exxxxxxtreme to the maxxxx (etc)” way, the difference is the Bogan takes him seriously, whereas we do not.
I like to tune in every once in awhile to see what he’s using his urine for, the possibilities of recycled urine are endless with Bear.

13 05 2010
vivisection

Sound like a good theory. I tuned in once and got hooked when the silly twat was stung by bees on the face and wandered around the desert for the rest of the episode looking like the elephant man. Seeing the fool get his comeuppance was entertaining though I haven’t watched it since.

13 05 2010
toony

Where’s a big fuck-off stingray when you need one….

13 05 2010
Franco

I think that “Grylls” is a bogan thing to like. I very much agree that his efforts are maxxxtreme. I have watched the show and heard people talk about it and I think it is a disappointing form of entertainment.
Top Gear is bogan too. All fast cars and crashes. Orsum! I happen to really like Top Gear, I find it really interesting and entertaining.
Bogans can find their way to any channel on the TV. From their reclining chairs they surf through looking for cheap thrills. It’s not hard.
If because you like something you think it is not bogan, then you are missing the point. We all have an inner bogan, we like following the crowd, mindless entertainment, creature comforts.
Great work TBL. I think you are on the money with your blog. Sometimes it hits close to home for me and I cringe at my inner bogan. But I know that I am not exempt from the bogan mentality. Just because I aspire to be a ‘hipster’ does not make me immune from being a bogan.

13 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

You’re right Franco, except about wanting to be a hipster 😉 (joking) I have read articles on here and gasped “Oh shitballs, that’s me” maybe not as maxtreme as full on Bogan’s but still a light shade of bogan non the less. I like my big screen teev, my gadgets, and fragrences. But I do none of these things because I am driven by trying to out do my friends, I do it because I like it. My big screen is second hand and everything *Shock! Horror!**and I didn’t buy it with the baby bonus.

Is it true that his name is Edward? My son’s name is Edward…his nick name is Bear. Is my son going to drink his own urine?

13 05 2010
vivisection

Or worse yet, someone else’s urine?

13 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Indeed Viv…I think I’ll just call him Eddie from now on…

13 05 2010
pb

so instead he’ll host a bogue-tastic game show.

13 05 2010
James Hunter

are you taking the piss?

13 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

God, I hope not, surely the lack of commercial teev will do something to influence him…

13 05 2010
amr

I don’t think the bogan has actually watched SBS given it is on pay tv as well.
I know this from the pay tv ad on free to air….
What show isn’t hyped up and heavily edited for television? Man vs Wild is no different.
Happy to say I am bogan if it means admitting I enjoy the show.
But like others I now do not watch Top Gear as channel two and a half have killed it with their typical kind of maxtreme promotion.

13 05 2010
Carlos the Jackal

Funnily enough, all the bogans (and wogans, too, for that matter) I’ve heard talk about ‘Man vs Wild’ talk about having seen the program on Discovery Channel. And ‘Top Gear’ on Nine would be more watchable if they didn’t cut stuff out, fill those gaps with adverts, and if Nine would stop pretending that episodes shown on SBS at least 12 months ago are new – even bogans can see through that one.

The fact that multiple series of ‘Fat Pizza’ were commissioned suggests that bogans do in fact watch SBS. It’s the ABC that bogans will generally steer clear of. There was some suggestion a while back that many bogans thought dumbing down the ABC meant “takin’ all that dumb shit off Channel 2”.

13 05 2010
flamin

this site lost all credibility by having a go at MVW. of course there is a fucking camera crew – it’s a TV show

13 05 2010
reparty

Bogans stay away from SBS, shit is too hard to follow. I stayed with a decidedly bogan mate for a weekend, and whilst searching for something to watch on the tube, SBS and ABC didn’t even get a sniff. And by that I mean he skipped right through them on the channel selection screen.

13 05 2010
bellastarkey

I do the same thing with channel nine.

Luckily on foxtel its right at the begining and next to the soft porn channels so i have no reason to go there

13 05 2010
bellastarkey

I like how he eats everything raw even though there is ample opportunity for him to cook it.

Like when the Bedouin or whoever they were in the camel gut episode gave him a testicle and he just ate and was all “this is supposed to be a delicacy but it is disgusting” and you can totally see the guys in the background going “No you stupid man, it’s mean to go on your shish kebab”

13 05 2010
Loftie

Wow… its been a while…

Imagine the incredible television show that could be created if Bear Grylls was to team up with Chuck Norris on an reality/adventure based crime fighting show??

If there was a Cameo by Charlie Sheen and a crossing into another country (aka: Border Security)…

Surely this is a ratings bonanza… infact the only way the above show could be any more x-treme and awesome would be if they stumbled onto some sort of secluded Wipeout jungle gym… and found Jeff Probst in the process…

I need to sit down… its difficult to process all of this talent at once…

13 05 2010
vivisection

Charlie Sheen could be in the boot of an exxxtreme car, crossing the Mexican border, trying to escape Chuck Norris who is hunting him down to make him pay for his crimes against comedy. Meanwhile, in the boot of another exxxxtreme car, Bear Grylls is surviving off the air from an inner tube of a spare tyre, racing against the clock to get to the Jeff Probst Maxxtreme Jungle Gym. Who will get there first? Will Jeff Probst have a plate of maxxxtreme jungle gizzards for them to eat, and will Charlie Sheen be off his trolley enough to think that Chuck Norris is his girlfriend and beat the shit out of him?

13 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Welcome back Loftie!!

You should be a teev exec for Nien!! LOL even I would watch that!

13 05 2010
James Hunter

For fifteen years I have been eating live earth worms on stage and believe me it is a very rare occasion that any one take up the invitation to try some. Fact is Red Simons was probably the last and I suspect he only did it to spin Dani Minogue out. As for my mate Scotty the Dwarf; no one has ever takn his challange to try some of the live cockroaches that he chomps. So yes I would say that most boagans are wimps when it comes to “bush tucker” Mind you I must admit a pice of well aged yearling porterhouse with a mushroom and white wine/cream sauce is hard to beat.

13 05 2010
djm

Bogans emulating his culinary feats (shudder) without the level of medical support he undoubtedly receives is likely to suffer a foreshortened and painful life as a result of helminthiasis.

13 05 2010
James Hunter

DJM Please explain that those are not the worms that I eat !

13 05 2010
djm

Do you eat earthworms? I think these are annelids and aren’t parasitic. Though you never know what microbes they or, more likely, their past dinners might be carrying…

13 05 2010
13 05 2010
Tracy Rimjaw

I’m going to post it again only because I think it’s hilarious.

13 05 2010
13 05 2010
Craig

He has a new show in the US called “Worst Case Scenario” where they engineer things like car crashes and Bear shows how to survive it.

You know, because who goes to the jungle these days? Being MAXXTREME in an urban setting is a ratings gold mine waiting to be tapped.

13 05 2010
Kath Lockett

Bear is AWESOME. This post finally confirms for me that I am a bogan. A slightly self-conscious one but Bear has sealed the deal. There’s nothing fun-ner that sitting at home in my warm house, eating chocolate and reaching for my second glass of red, seeing Bear scrape his goolies whilst shimmying down a silver birch; literally crapping himself whilst scaling a waterfall; peeing into a t-shirt to cool his head or spending the night inside a dead camel to entertain me.

I do wonder though – what does his camera man eat when Bear is chomping through live spiders and dead zebra? Is he standing there licking a Cornetto or unwrapping a kit kat chunky?

His endless optimism is either due to the slightly less legal powers of the stinging nettles he puts in his tea or a series of loose synapses but most of us would give our right arse cheeks for a knife that can do what his does.

Love yer work, Bear?

13 05 2010
SD

Tracy’s post above will explain the dietary mysteries of the Bear Grylls show

13 05 2010
Mark
13 05 2010
CoffeeSnob

Dare I mention that despite the maxxxtreme boganous feats of Bear… sorry “The Grylls”… there are some valid survival techniques demonstrated (and that I have used, prior to seeing the show that is).

Which would make it educational.

Is a bogan show allowed to be educational?

13 05 2010
James Hunter

I think a bogan show can be educational , just dont tell them otherwise they would turn it of. Wheather or not having educational value is excuse for watching a bogan show is a diffwrent question. I would think that if you have the “need to know” then watch.

13 05 2010
martin

I think Top Gear is definitely bogan. Even though the presenters aren’t really bogan and are pretty smart and charming.

Having a tug over a bunch of cars you’ll never own has always been the domain of bogans.

13 05 2010
devil's advocate

Speak for yourself, champ, only a handful of the cars shown on (the UK version of) Top Gear are cars I can rule out ever owning, and even then only some of those are on the basis of cost.

They regularly test hot hatches, performance sedans and niche-market affordable racers which are well within the reach of CUBS, let alone polite society.

13 05 2010
martin

Most people buy a car about once every 10 years. I didn’t say they weren’t affordable individually. Having lots of them is.

14 05 2010
devil's advocate

So even by your estimate that’s around 7 cars over the course of your life. You may think that having a show that tells you about the range of cars you might like to purchase at any one time is irrellevant, I don’t.

Also, here’s another pro tip: sometimes people are interested in things (such as cars) just because. That is, regardless of whether they might buy them.

If you want to start to argue that merely being interested in cars as a concept is inherently bogan then by all means go ahead. Run it up the flag pole and see who salutes.

15 05 2010
brad

im guessing you think motor and sport go together-petrol heads are nerds masquerading as tough guys

15 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

I’m a nerd, I love high performance cars, and like DA said “just because”. I’m not trying to be tough (I’m a chick so what ever the chick equivalent is), I’m not trying to be anything except someone who enjoys watching it.

13 05 2010
Bjorn

I’ve got to admit, I am partial to grasshoppers, they make a nice protein supplement when you are carrying all your food for days at a time. I draw the line at eating things that are dead when I find them; but then again, I’ve never been really hungry.
Bear Grylls provides a rich vein of entertainment amongst my B App Sc. (Adventure Ecotourism) contempories. There are bogans amongst us, but they are also doing rather than observing, which excuses their upbringing in my book.

14 05 2010
Sibyl Ince

“provides a rich vein of entertainment”

Provides a rich vein of self-aggrandising bullshit, also.

13 05 2010
julie

Haha thanks for posting that video Tracy. I had always assumed that the show would be full of deception. I feel that bogans like Bear Grylls for the same reason they liked Jackass…the hilarity of watching semi-attractive-but-mainly-non-threatening males do stupid stuff and eat inedible objects. Jackass’s popularity was beyond me…I still dont understand it.

13 05 2010
miss dahl

Ok, ok, how’s this for a contest: unarmed combat in a cage, your Mr Grylls, and an angry polar bear.

13 05 2010
vivisection

or “The Grylls Vs Morag from Home and Away” – caged, hungry and no hold barrred

13 05 2010
James Hunter

miss Dhal, for your cagew fight how about the grylls verses the kitchen cook from the Nissan add? the one who drops the rissole on the floor and egg slices it up onto the hamburger?
That might have some milage?

13 05 2010
miss dahl

I just went to youtube to see what all the guff is about. This nob Grylls just ate a semi-freddo Yak eyeball. He looked like he was having a stroke just chewing on it (close shot with the juices running down his chin). Then genius makes the unbelievable announcement that it tasted awful. Who would have thought?

13 05 2010
Sam

The funniest parts of this post are the comments! The angry bogan in denial posts about Bear and TG are great! Angry denialism in spite of much anecdotal evidence and peer confirmation is such a bogan trait. Keep ’em coming please!

13 05 2010
Peter

Ask James Hunter # 4 helping to smooth every ripple in the pond.

James Hunter:

A woman who sits on the periphery of my social set never fails to irritate me whenever we meet each other or, when are amongst those in our crowd that we respectively claim as our closest and best friends.

I am not dependent on her for business nor are my relationships, which I value highly, compromised by her presence. Any association with her I undertake with characteristic humility and my enduring sense of fairness. However as time marches on I feel an increase in the level of my resentment towards this woman and, at times, would love nothing more than to loose off a string of choice invective appropriate to the decisions she makes the things she says while in my company. Obviously I cannot do such a thing, although an idea to strike a balance between spitting venom and continually sucking it up seems to have come to mind: during our next little chat I plan on dropping the phrase, ‘You’re very Northern Beaches…’ Which she undoubtably is. But the problem with my plan is that she may take it as a compliment. Forward planning suggests following through with, ‘But don’t worry, many willingly pursue such a thing’, but I feel sure she wouldn’t ‘get it’ or worse, be excessively offended.

What do you suggest I say?

Peter.

13 05 2010
Sam

Did I miss #3 – can you direct me there please?

13 05 2010
James Hunter

Thanks Sam,
It is far better that you ask the obvious.

13 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Who could possibly take “you’re very Northern Beaches” as a compliment?

13 05 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
people from Narrabeen to Palm Beach think that the edge of the world is at Spitt Brtidge.

13 05 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Surely these people have heard of Toorak and are aware of what it’s like here?

14 05 2010
devil's advocate

Probably someone with a penchant for SUVs and pretentious lifestyle accoutrements.

13 05 2010
Sam

Ask her if she would be interested in receiving a donkey punch from you. If she quickly walks away from you – win, if she winks and says “your place or mine” – win.

It is what we call a win-win situation Peter. I hope this advice helps you with your situation.

14 05 2010
miss dahl

I suggest you speak your mind. Let it rip. Tell her what you really mean. Everyone has the right to be offended.

14 05 2010
James Hunter

miss dhal,
I think your on the right track. peter must learn to offend everyone equally though.

13 05 2010
Peter

correc.

she makes regarding the things she says while in my company. Obviously I cannot do such a thing,

Sorry, James Hunter, I seldom edit.

Fiona, you’d be surprised.

13 05 2010
James Hunter

you “seldom edit”
as if we could not tell !!

13 05 2010
Peter

Oh, James Hunter, how very droll coming from you…

13 05 2010
Skitter

Thank you for this TBL. You hit the nail on the head!

13 05 2010
Jimmy S

Umm, I’m in a bind here, If you only watch Man s Wild on the faint hope Bear will suffer an ironic, Irwin-esque death, does that make you a certified Bogan?

14 05 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

No Jimmy…the opposite in fact 😀

13 05 2010
Anonymour

Hmmm, a bit poor TBL. Might as well rename this website “things that are popular that bogans also like”.

13 05 2010
Will S

Well, if bogans like a thing, it’s a thing bogans like, regardless of who else likes it!

although TBL #140: Oxygen would be a bit of a stretch

14 05 2010
Anonymour

Do oxygen bars still exist? I remember about ten years ago seeing them advertised. Envisioning a bogan looking at a flyer and saying to themselves “I could really use some flavoured oxygen” doesn’t seem to far fetched.

14 05 2010
Pete

#140: Stealing Oxygen more like it.

14 05 2010
miss dahl

Yes, but we’re stepping into murky territory here, the dividing lines will blur because a bogan can purport to like, say, a cashmere sweater, a Lamborghini Murcielago Roadster or even the notion of touring Europe on the Venice Simplon Orient Express. Does that mean that these things automatically become bogan? Something to ponder…

15 05 2010
Will S

Only if they start buying them in large quantities, which seems unlikely!

14 05 2010
Brimstone

this show has been out in America forever… wasn’t made for bogans

15 05 2010
Tombarina

Bear Grylls called his second child Huckleberry.

This indicates that, in addition to being one of the biggest spankers *insert deity here* ever shovelled guts into, he’s also something of a prick.

*glass*

16 05 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

I’m waiting for the episode where Bear bleeds out in the Attacama Desert after being ‘forced’ to eat his own penis, while the crew watch on eating cookie dough and complaining about the coffee.
Now I’d pay to see that. I’d probably still fast forward to the good bit though.
Maxtreme Bear.

19 10 2010
Charlotte

Only people from bogan backgrounds care what defines a bogan and what doesnt. Bear Grylls is dead sexy. Need we say any more?

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