With rogue crocodiles freely roaming northern Queensland and going entirely unhunted for several years, those absent hunts had gone unfilmed. As a result, commercial television programming was lopsided, and predictably propped up by endless repeats of Two and a Half Men. While the bogan was happy with this solution on the surface, something was missing; new animals had to be told who was boss on behalf of the bogan.
Hungry television producers, meanwhile, were busily looking for a way to make money from the bogan’s love for adventurous idiocy. They sorely missed Steve Irwin. Then on a dreary June morning, somewhere in the Isle of Wight, a Bear was born. But this Bear was different from most. Three Kings came to visit its manger, named Max, Maxx and Maxxx. This bear sought refuge in the dreams of scaling unscalable cliffs, fighting poisonous predators and generally being awesome like Robinson Crusoe.
Luckily, its parents were wealthy and influential, and less than six winters from being a mere daydreaming cub, Bear had successfully conquered Mount Everest, swam around the world, mapped the Amazonian rainforests, and wrestled six-headed alligators with its bare hands. But all that did not matter to bogans, who were mainly interested in what the Bear could do for THEM.
Courtesy of network television, the bogan now has its hourly fix of watching a crazy adventurer do maxtreme shit and eat a variety of crazy foods for its own amusement. The Bear’s quest for protein, while being followed by a camera crew laden with muesli bars and doughnuts, led him to consume an array of semi-foods that left the bogan agape at his stunning levels of awesome. In the period of one year, the Bear ate turtle, grasshopper, raw goat testicle, raw sheep heart, myriad unidentified insects, rotting zebra carcass, giant larvae, then drank liquefied elephant shit, camel stomach fluid and his own urine.
He was a survivor, adventurer, foodie, TV star and legend. The bogan sat on its recliner, in front of the television, hair windblown by the infinite levels of maxtreme wow emanating from the LCD. “I’d probably be able to eat that too”, it remarked as the Bear consumed a rotten rat kidney under a blazing sun, comfortable in the knowledge that its claim would never be put to the test.
UPDATE: Here is conclusive evidence that the bogan watches, and mimics, the Bear.