Celebrities are better than the rest of us in every way. The bogan understands this in an intuitive, unassailable manner that many of us are simply not equipped to embrace fully. For decades now, the bogan has been striving to look, act and sound as much like a celebrity – either an actual celebrity or a generic notion of one – that there really were few places left to go. It now wants to smell like one.
But just what does a celebrity smell like? This is a mystery as most bogans’ interaction with actual famous people extends no further than the television, radio or trash mag. Luckily, there are celebrities at hand just waiting to tell the bogan exactly how it smells! And first to the post was ultra-mega-super-x-treme bogan icon Britney Spears.
She first released ‘Curious’, and the bogan, who responded to the name by inquiring fervently at the fragrance counter at Myer after it, wound up slathering itself in ‘Curious’ for a solid year after it received a bright pink bottle of the stuff from its hulking life partner for Christmas. Unfortunately, Britney then just managed to confuse the bogan. Over subsequent Yules (the bogan is most interested in smelling like celebrities in December, it seems) Britney released ‘Fantasy’, ‘In Control’ and ‘Believe’. It’s Curious that the bogan never realised that it’s a Fantasy to Believe that Britney was ever In Control of her odour.
The bogan, who at no point questioned the fact that the stuff these bottles emitted smelt something like a lactating salamander, was dismayed at the array of smells Britney was throwing its way. What did she really smell like? This anti-existential pain caused the bogan to look further afield.
Thankfully, there was no shortage of other celebrities the bogan could now opt to smell like. Gwyneth Paltrow (‘Pure White Linen Light Breeze’, ‘Pleasures’, ‘Pleasures Delights’), J.Lo (‘JLo Glow’, ‘Still’, ‘Miami Glow’, ‘Love at First Glow’, ‘Live’, ‘Live Luxe’, ‘Glow After Dark’, ‘Deseo’, ‘Deseo Forever’, ‘Live Platinum’, ‘Sunkissed Glow’), Christina Aguilera (‘Xpose’, ‘Christina Aguilera by Christina Aguilera’, ‘Inspire’, ‘Christina Aguilera: By Night’) and of course, Paris Hilton (‘Just Me’, ‘Heiress’, ‘Can Can’, ‘Fairy Dust’, ‘Siren’), Katie ‘Jordan’ Price (‘Stunning’, ‘Besotted’) and Kim Kardashian (‘Voluptuous’) all offered the bogan sufficient dubious connections to the world of celebrity, while smelling suspiciously like balsamic vinegar.
The male bogan, having blindly purchased the required stink for whichever appropriate female bogan it is pursuing, realises that the fierce musk its target now reeks of acts as an effective negating agent of the Lynx Effect. The bogan laments.
NOTE: Yes, we know this was the perfect time for a Carl Williams-oriented post, but we feel we said enough here. TBL