#115 – Moët Hennessy • Louis Vuitton

29 03 2010

Years ago, marketers figured out that correctly branding a product allowed a company to charge four trillion times as much, and that bogans would still purchase it. Some companies were better at pulling this off than others, with the concept of European prestige appearing to resonate particularly well inside the cavernous chamber of the bogan skull. This was despite the bogan’s only experience of Europe being a 12 day vomit-packed blur aboard a Contiki bus.

In the late 1980s, the scattered configuration of European luxury companies began to clot into a magnetic lump of bogan joy. Moët et Chandon, Hennessy, and Louis Vuitton were brought under the one roof, and more and more additions were made after then. The French parent company believed it had uncovered the ultimate formula for savaging bogan bank accounts, and they wanted to do it with as many brands as possible.

Indeed, the bogan is willing to send itself deep into the pit of insolvency in order to acquire LVMH products. Female bogans display 100% interest in Louis Vuitton products, and are willing to pay 20% interest to Mastercard in order to bolster their egos in this manner. The male bogan is not immune either, as it is prone to spending $3,000 on a TAG Heuer watch, another LVMH brand.  TAG Heuer understands the bogan’s warped concept of mateship, and the brand has conspicuously stuck with its multimillion dollar sponsorship of disgraced, soon-to-be-forgiven sport star and adulterous womaniser Tiger Woods. This increases the bogan’s desire to purchase the watch.

Even though the bogan rarely drinks champagne, and has no idea of the difference between a subtle, effervescent drop and $5 sparkling Sauvignon, it will celebrate occasions by conspicuously swilling a $70 bottle of Moët. It does this out of its deep compulsion to live like a celebrity, and it will retain the empty bottle in a prominent position in its house for many months. The bogan will loudly describe the experience to anyone who will listen. It is not interested in other brands, unless someone has told it that its favourite celebrity drinks Veuve Clicquot. However, the bogan is even worse at pronouncing that brand name, meaning it will generally stick with either its Mowee or Mowert.

LVMH has spun numerous other sticky webs to trap any airborne bogan bucks. Brands such as Marc Jacobs, DKNY, Fendi, and Kenzo have been known to penetrate the bogan’s oversized Christian Dior sunglasses… the parent brand of the entire LVMH empire. This galaxy of glittering brands has sent thousands of bogans broke. At this point, they will run from the tax department… by jumping on Jetstar to Bali or Thailand, where they will purchase five different knockoff Louis Vuitton handbags, three pairs of Dior sunglasses, and a duty free bottle of Moët.


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279 responses

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. *sob*

29 03 2010
Benjamin

There, there.

29 03 2010
Gorey

You must have known this was coming.

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I did not. 😦

29 03 2010
Tubesteak

Does it irk you even more knowing that the bogan considers itself a genius if it can buy a knock-off because it thinks that no-one can tell the difference?

And it saved money by buying the knock-off!

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. It does. Or rather, did. Time for me to remove LVMH from my life I think.

29 03 2010
Gorey

Toorak will be next.

29 03 2010
Robbie

So Fiona is a bogan after all ?? – I refuse to believe

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. How dare you! *glass*

29 03 2010
Robbie

well I did refuse to believe until you glassed me 😛

29 03 2010
Benjamin

Fiona, quit slumming. It is quite unbecoming.

I think this forum is bringing you too close to the bogan, and I sense you are becoming tainted.

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Are you suggesting I leave this forum? I like it here – it’s helped me develop the “common touch”.

29 03 2010
James

But glassing requires no actual touching when carried out correctly.

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I meant with how I deal with people here. I feel I’m becoming quite natural at it.

29 03 2010
Benjamin

No just remember your station, and your inherited responsibilities.

Your place is not down in the muck, watching reality television, or empathising boganity.

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I certainly don’t empathise with it, I mock it with the best of you.

But yes, I must remember not to become TOO attached…

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

“…if you can walk with kings, yet not lose the common touch…

then yours is the world and all that’s in it
and, which is more,
You will be a Man my son.”

(Rudyard Kipling – IF)

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I hope he was using “man” and “son” in the sense we’d now use “adult” and “child”!

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

it was the nineteenth century.
women had not been invented.

in Rudyard Kiplings world

29 03 2010
Paul

should have done that a long time ago! if I was female I’d steer well clear of it.

29 03 2010
AlyssaKT

Those knock-offs drive me insane; surely understanding the thought-process whatsoever would mean you too were mad…?
“I will buy a cheap rip-off of my ‘favourite’ brand because then people will think I paid a trillion times more for this cheap shit and I will look special?”
I like my brand names on the inside.
Conspicuous cunts. *glass*

29 03 2010
Robbie

LOL – oh snap AlyssaKT 🙂

29 03 2010
Tubesteak

Understanding their thought processes = mad?

Uh oh we’re all screwed!

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

Snip Snap

15 04 2010
JacJacJacqui

No one can tell the difference unless they work for a Louis Vuitton retailer. How could you tell? Whether it’s real or fake, the quality is cheap.

16 08 2010
Johnno

How about an entry on: The ALP. Bogans love ’em!

20 09 2012
Albert Einstein

Hilarious! Utterly Hilarious! *Sobs* *Sobs*

29 03 2010
Tombarina

What about t-shirts with massive, bejewelled D&G logos? You could knock one of those up with a Nikko pen and a Bedazzler kit, and save yourself at LEAST $11.

29 03 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

We could do a bejewelled range called
BOGUE
Ca$h in, these idiots will buy anything that glitters.

29 03 2010
Tombarina

Pass me the Bedazzler! Edna, you’re a genius. If we get cracking now, we’ll be able to product-place this quality line of shiny clobber for orange folk in Hey Hey It’s Saturday….

29 03 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Yes Yes, we will bedazzle the orange folk.
Hoover up some filthy lucre!!!

Bogue will be the new Bogue with Bogues

29 03 2010
Shirley M

Oh thank you TBL.

29 03 2010
Matt C
5 08 2014
jd

more a ‘mwette’ than ‘mowett’

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

LOL @ keeping bottles.

…except my empty Granges.

29 03 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

I only kept the 60A’s

29 03 2010
Tombarina

Oooh, I missed the bit about keeping the bottles. Lovely!

I thought that was the sort of thing people only did when they were 18 and living in some squalorous sharehouse with five other equally impoverished mates – when bottles were forced to do double-duty as receptacles for rotgut, and also as a jaunty decor accent.

Surely not even bogues combine alcohol and home decoration…surely?

29 03 2010
Jo

more commonly used as ash trays…unless that’s what a receptacle for rot gut is…

29 03 2010
Shirley M

They make gorgeous candleabra.

29 03 2010
James Hunter

Tombarina,
They were the thing as candle holders

29 03 2010
Tombarina

True – I’d forgotten.
Shame you can’t use CUBs as candleholders.

29 03 2010
James Hunter

you can ,if you get them to bend over far enough

29 03 2010
Tombarina

JH, I salute you. And it’s eminently achievable by scattering G-Unit merchandise on the ground before them.

29 03 2010
Benjamin

Well, you can.

But it’s *really* unattractive.

29 03 2010
James Hunter

guess you could use them as egg cups?

29 03 2010
vivisection

I entered a bogue abode once to be confronted with wall size cardboard Jack Daniels advertising boards in the lounge and master bedroom. Not a student house either, but a professional.

29 03 2010
Mezz

Yeah it’s out there.. I know of this fella who found a monster size empty JD bottle complete with metal stand and filled it with black tea and it’s the centre piece of the lounge room. Hideous stuff!

29 03 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Yeah men’s gift shops are full of it.

Vast range of alcohol advertisements.

29 03 2010
Gorey

Some even combine alcohol and home BUILDING:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beer_Can_House

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

We had some spectacular wines at our wedding (I must tell you about it),
for a while I kept a few empties as part of a wee shrine on a bookcase.

Bogan? Yes.

High Romance? weeelll…

anyway,
we found this gorgeous little winery down at McLaren flat of all places, and it being lunchtime we indulged ourselves at the little restaurant attached. Well… My Fucking God! It was awesome. So we asked the proprietors and they said weeelll… and we were like ‘carn, and they were like ok. Oh my god the most darling old german couple, anyway they had this fabulous little art collection in the tasting room, and the old gent was well, lets say only just shickered… It was just a delight! In the vineyards, incredible food (it turned out the chef had just swept the annual fleurieau food awards) so Pop forward about a year and there we are. Just 40 friends and family out there among the tahitian limes under the mighty old eucaalypt, with the vines in full greenery on the slope. The bride is wearing George Gross (the 2008 summer collection wedding dress … just … oh …) The groom (your narrator) in a hired suit from Ferrari Formalwear. Well it was such a pretty little ceremony and again, The Food!
God I can’t even remember. Was it local Angus rib eye on the bone sweetheart? God what did you have? The Salmon? You were pescatarian then weren’t You? anyway. Uncle Mark was emcee and we just played music from our iPods (photo’s by friends and family) Oh and we missed out on the hors d’ourves because Uncle John just had to get one more photo… Oh we laughed. Uncle John. Didn’t he get really pissed and let off a ripper in the bus on the way home? Oh no that was nathan’s wedding. Anyway how would we know?
We were back at the Rose Cottage by then.
Makin’ Love.

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

OMG
he spelt hors d’œuvres wrong

30 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

… what happened to wedding week?

29 03 2010
Shirley M

I’m acquainted with some CuBs who have 2 Maltese Terriers named ‘Mowee’ and Chanel.

In fact, I have many tales of woe that this article brings to mind.

29 03 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Yeah, they are always the same type of dog too.
It always seems to have shit in the “breed” name.

A Shitzeser..

All frufru’s

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

shitzoodle

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. People, please… I don’t want to distract from the main point here, but did anyone watch “Air Ways” last night?

O.M.G!

29 03 2010
Shirley M

The ad was enough for me.

29 03 2010
Tone

That, and Bogan Security, are the only two watchable things on PLUS7.

29 03 2010
Gorey

You’ve used that diversionary tactic already, Fi! Why are you watching “Airways” and not protecting your Mowee from thieving hordes of bogans? Nothing is safe from them!

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. But, but, but… I had no idea such people existed! OMG, it was HILARIOUS!

29 03 2010
robí

I watched it.

29 03 2010
Tombarina

Fi, did it end in an uber-bogue wedding with vows which included “I promise to keep my pub sessions to under two hours”? If so, then yes – I saw the end of it. I kept waiting for the punchline, but it never came…..

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. YES! But that wasn’t even the best part!!!!! The woman who missed her flight to Canberra was priceless.

29 03 2010
Tombarina

Oh, bollocks. I love a good public tanty.

It would have to have been spectacular to out-feral the wedding. I swear, little baby fairies were dying left, right and centre as this heinous couple pledged their troth.
TBL’s Wedding Vow Generator isn’t in the same class as that pair. And nothing says “matrimonial bliss” like a big, scrawly tatt peeking mischievously over the collar of the groom’s hired suit.

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Her main argument for being allowed on the plane seemed to be that she was going to see the Degas exhibition in Canberra! Upon realising she wasn’t going to be allowed to board, she asked (or rather, arxed) if she could pass a message to her already on board relatives. The message was letting them know they were staying at the Canberra Caravan Park…

29 03 2010
Tombarina

Ha! Two bogue-funny words in the same sentence: “Canberra” and “caravan”.
Oh, WHAT a merry jape of a family holiday that would have been.

29 03 2010
James

I noticed something a bit off when visiting that exhibition. But if Tiger is flying in to Canberra, it makes a whole lot more sense now.

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. At the end of the show, we found out that the bogues didn’t end up making it to Canberra for the exhibition. Thus, one less Shardonay will have been forced, er, sorry “inspired” to take up ballet…

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

come on…
give ’em a point for Degas.

29 03 2010
Tombarina

No. Not a sausage. Shan’t.

29 03 2010
AlyssaKT

I turned it over after you reported it on here, Fiona (1 hour and 10 years behind in Qld) and was overjoyed when the bogan couple with 2 kids reported that they were off to the Gold Coast for a “special occasion”! I said “I bet they’re getting married!”. I was so pleased to be correct.

29 03 2010
Tombarina

The words “special occasion” should have been the give away, AKT. Narrows the field down to either:
1. A wedding, with the happy couple’s brood as attendants;
2. A court appearance; or
3. A double-bill of monster trucks AND Crusty Demons.

If there’s an opportunity to see last night’s wedding online, I highly recommend it – in addition to pub-time-limiting promises, there were also vows relating to cooking vegetable dishes and the consumption thereof. Bogalicious!

29 03 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
I did and must admit I missed seeing you.

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Of course you missed seeing me, I wasn’t on it!

29 03 2010
James Hunter

Of course,Tiger is one class

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. You mean one classless.

29 03 2010
Mezz

Absolutely NOT!

29 03 2010
James

Shit! I normally always watch “Bogans fly places”, but had to do some marking last night, and didn’t set the DVR. Now I am really upset.

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. A wasted effort no doubt – on both fronts.

29 03 2010
James

Sorry – which fronts exactly? Reading so many essays written by those in pursuit of a lesser degree has vastly lowered my comprehension skills, and it will take me several days to recover.

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Wasted in a positive sense: the time you spent marking. And in a negative sense: it took you away from watching “Bogans Fly Places (and by “Places”, we typically mean “The Gold Coast”).”

29 03 2010
James

Ah. Thank you. Hopefully I will be myself again soon…

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. If it’s any consolation, you seem to be about par to me.

29 03 2010
James

I choose not to understand that.

29 03 2010
AlyssaKT

Yes, they’re all here now. We are grateful when they go home. Many don’t.

29 03 2010
Tone

The hilarious part is that most bogans can’t tell the difference between Moët and Passion Pop.

29 03 2010
Gorey

The price?

29 03 2010
pinky has a brain

There not that smart Gorey…

29 03 2010
Skitter

They’re

29 03 2010
Shirley M

Would we like Skitter to continue checking the rest of the document?

29 03 2010
brad

He could prove too be a valuable asset

29 03 2010
Shirley M

Remove valuable and ‘et’ from that sentence and you’ll be spot on.

29 03 2010
brad

add n

29 03 2010
Tubesteak

Bogans like to show off their sophistication by declaring that there is no difference between the two because they can’t tell the difference.

It will then convince itself that it is merely a marketing ploy designed to rip it off.

Don’t dare suggest however that XXXX and VB taste the same or Falcons and Commodores are the same……………

29 03 2010
AlyssaKT

Or Crown Lager and VB…
The bogans love Crown Lager – at any event with a drink package they’ll be “hitting the good stuff”.

29 03 2010
Gorey

Haha. Yes, the old Crown Lager rip-off. I find it amusing that CuBs don’t realise CUB is just serving them up the same shite, repackaged with a gold label. Goes to show that for some people, you CAN polish a turd.

29 03 2010
Tone

Although some NaBs will dismiss Crown Lager as being the stuff the scrape off the top of the VB fermenter, whilst happily chugging down on carbonated piss straight from the bladders of Mexican bogans, only with a lemon on top to make it smells slightly less pissy.

29 03 2010
J

You can’t polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter…or in this instance wrap it in a gold label and feed it to the bogue horde.

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

bravo!

29 03 2010
devil's advocate

Actually there are now significant differences between falcons and commodores, ever since the blue oval discovered overhead cams and turbochargers.

Sure, it was 20 years after the rest of the world, but holden are still stuck in the era of pushrods for the most part.

29 03 2010
Ghengis

Plus, Ford fanatics have (marginally) more teeth.

29 03 2010
Home of the Gunt

Your awareness of these facts, coupled with your reference to the Ford motor company as “the blue oval,” clearly marks you as a bogan.

29 03 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Guntox!!!

29 03 2010
brad

May i just add that Crown Lager is actually scraped off the top of Fosters and it is now .3 percent stronger than VB or Carlton due too new alcohol volume tax laws-just so you know

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. What actually IS “Crown Lager”? Some sort of beer I gather?

30 03 2010
James

I can help with that. Its a type of bottle they put Carlton Draught into when the queen came to visit in 1954.

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

it is impossible to not know the difference between Moet ( I can’t do the umlaut) and Passion Pop

29 03 2010
loftie

Fashion and Bubbly….
2 things that I admit – I know nothing about…

29 03 2010
Shirley M

Either does the bogan. That’s why they love Louis Vuitton and Moet.

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. 😐

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

simple.
Champagne is like drinking the Stars.
Fashion is for People with no style.

29 03 2010
A-Bomb

My earliest awareness of the nouveau-bogue was some years ago as a waiter at a function centre. All the ferals had come down from the hills to the big smoke of outer-suburban Melbourne for Shayxxxne and Jesssiccah’s deb ball, and they were loud and obnoxious all night. They were quite friendly to me after I brought them a $100 bottle of Moet, to go with the VB they were drinking as well, and they gave me a $50 tip. Most tables wouldn’t spend a third of what this table did.

I don’t think they even new what Moet was. To them it was just the most expensive drink at the bar and they had to have it. No class; just money to burn.

29 03 2010
Mezz

I’ll have a Moet with a VB chaser – Classy stuff!!

20 05 2011
Miss P

Actually calling the city area ‘the big smoke’ is bogan in its own right! I’ve heard those words uttered by a bogan from Grafton NSW who thinks living in St Kilda VIC is ‘trendy’

29 03 2010
Saskia of Dalkieth

Even more uber tragic are the bogans that go to op shops (where I do my volunteer work) and snap up used LV fake bags and the like *shudders*
I have even seen one buy an empty Moet bottle.

29 03 2010
vivisection

I love the bogans in the op shops I frequent, they clear out all the crap and leave the gold for me to find. Who else is going to buy all the $2 shop crap? They are like the bottom feeders of the op shop world, scrounging up the shit nobody with taste would consider.

29 03 2010
freud's beard

He he, love the suburb reference! But I have two questions: 1) who buys an empty wine bottle and 2) who sells an empty wine bottle? Obviously I don’t go to many op-shops in Dalkeith, perhaps they do things differently over there in the western suburbs 🙂

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

dalkeith!
lol
shameless self promotion sir!
where Bondy lived?
I ask you!

29 03 2010
Peggsy

Watching Airways last night, I wondered how long it will be before Channel 10 starts start filming the dole queues at Centrelink – now that would be exploitation television at it’s finest.

Hurrah for today’s entry – I suspected some of my D&G-loving, debt-ridden friends were massive bogans, what with their $900 plastic sunglasses and handbags!

29 03 2010
Gorey

Channel Ten’s programming is positively classy compared to what the other two networks serve up.

29 03 2010
Peggsy

True…apart from The Biggest Loser.

29 03 2010
Simon

And The Simpsons!

29 03 2010
Ghengis

I can’t wait to watch the Centrelink dole-queue show, oh wait… there are already 2 shows like that!! They just package them as “public affairs.”

29 03 2010
James

Nothing beats a live performance though, Ghengis.

29 03 2010
Peter

Not unsurprisingly, while watching “Air Ways” last night I felt similarly despondent to the female passenger who had been excluded from boarding her flight. However any similarity ends there as our mutual feelings stem from totally opposing forces.

And James Hunter… Stop annoying Fiona.

29 03 2010
Joelby

Surely the next post should be about the Bogan desire for “makeover photography”. It stuns me how many of my bogan relatives live out their fantasies of a non bogan life with a steaming hot pile of trashy photography.

29 03 2010
pinky has a brain

Glamour photography…ewww i didn’t realise there was enough Vaseline in the world to take the edge off some of those toothless grins…I feel ill…

29 03 2010
Kate

Just saw this advertised on TV recently: Turn a photo into a painted portrait.

29 03 2010
Tubesteak

Painted?

Wouldn’t they prefer imitation rhinestones on velvet?

29 03 2010
James

I have a relative (in-law) which does that shit for a living.

29 03 2010
Simon

Entry #32 people.

29 03 2010
Regina Phalange

They love Moet because they couldn’t begin to fathom how to pronounce Veuve Clicquot.

You need to do a follow up on how bogans love the bags they buy expensive stuff in, and how they use them to death (such as when they bring their lunch to work on the train in a blue Tiffany’s bag every day until it disintegrates)

29 03 2010
Shirley M

A time honoured bogan practice which began with Harrod’s bags.

29 03 2010
vivisection

When I was in Japan last year I was reading an article on how young Japanese women were surviving the credit crunch by reusing their designer plastic / paper bags. They even buy them second hand on ebay to give the illusion of having shopped at the brand store. Often they use them for quick purchases on the way home from work ie vegetables. Gotta love the Japanese

29 03 2010
Mezz

They have some weird traits from what I hear. Apparently if you are getting married and have no friends, to save yourself from humiliation you are able to “hire a crowd” of people who come as your guests and pretend rather convincingly to have known you all their lives. When I heard about this I almost fell about. I think the Japanese have some cultural characteristics which a clever marketeer could slightly modify and use to make a killing from the bogan market. They did give us the Tokyo Shock Boys long before the bogan icon JACKASS came along.

29 03 2010
vivisection

Can you imagine trying to organise a “rent a bogan crowd”? I would call it “Bogues ‘R’ Us”. Actually its not that far removed from those sad twats who hire a faux “Paparazzi”to chase them around Bourke St Mall. Sick Sad World

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

Bravo Shock Boys

29 03 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Let alone Louis Roederer.
but they don’t have to.
*
**
*Crystal*

29 03 2010
reparty

Ha! Try selling the stuff to them. Mowee, Verve, and Pole Roger (as in the mans name). Then watch the husband start reading descriptions, giving himself a good laugh. Nothing like someone rocking up in a Lexus and loudly carrying on about how good Krug (mispronounced, with a flat u) was in Paris. All the while thinking that I must be an idiot who has never been to any of these places or drunk more of the stuff in a month than they will in a lifetime. Thank God I don’t have to do it anymore, and thank God they now all go to Dan Murphy’s to annoy some of my former colleagues. Funny how they can’t tell the difference between Matthew Lang and Bollinger, most of them REALLY don’t like the Bolly, I’ve done tastings where you can see the look of revulsion on their faces when they try it. But when faced with Bundy or Mt. Gay…that’s a different story.

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

Bravo!
or watch bogans on a coach winery tour. trying to talk it up like they’re not there for the free piss. “This one smells like wine, but much winier than that other wine” Ooh I like the colour. Red. Much redder than that white one. worse is the serious wine bogan who memorised the whole entry from halliday in the car park. And wants to try and talk about it. In front of the plastic slapper he rolled in with.

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

dude
that was lame

29 03 2010
Kat

I don’t know … it seems to me that so many aspects of ‘class’ are just very imitable. It’s not really a big deal to learn your wines or champagnes – not even as difficult as doing a first year Arts degree. No biggy. The same goes for gourmet foods and table manners and buying and wearing clothes. If that’s all that is holding a bogan back from being ‘classy’ then I guess all our class indicators are fairly useless.

29 03 2010
vivisection

I guess the inability to continue imitating class under the influence is the bogans undoing.

29 03 2010
Shirley M

You’re right. Yet there is a big difference between fashion and style. The bogans can buy as many chunky, plastic, vomitous Louis Vuitton bangles as it pleases, but it will never be able to imitate style.

29 03 2010
Sten

Is Maxwell & Williams crockery still fashionable? If so, I would suggest an entry on it, as I know a number of bogues enraptured by the stuff.

30 03 2010
Saskia of Dalkieth

Oh me too, but only if it’s white. White makes it reallly classy.

30 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

are square plates still “in”?

29 03 2010
James Hunter

The difficult thing about the upperclass for the bogan is that no one can imitate the upperclass as well as the upperclass can.

29 03 2010
Will S

Every struggling bogan mother seems to have the Guess or D&G handbag/purse… has the bogan hijacked these 2 brands completely?

29 03 2010
James Hunter

they are only chinese knock offs from the markets

29 03 2010
Shirley M

D&G probably merits an entry all of its own. Bogans love the gigantic, shiny, bedazzled emblems this brand offers. I particular love the way they say ‘dolchay an’ gabarrnah’. This brand in particular is very popular with the orange hued homosexual bogue.

29 03 2010
Tombarina

Couldn’t agree more. Although I’d LOVE to see the return of the Bedazzler. A friend managed to find one on eBay last year, and has since been wreaking havoc on stonewash denim jackets from Lifeline.

29 03 2010
Shirley M

I have a leather motorcycle jacket with ‘Shirley Mullet’ emblazoned on the back in bedazzlers and glitter. It’s a masterpiece.

29 03 2010
Tombarina

Tres chic!
I spotted Brian Mannix at Brisbane airport a year or two ago wearing what appeared to be a home-Bedazzled Uncanny X-Men denim jacket. It went beautifully with his blonde man-streaks. Phwooooaaarrrrrrrrr…….

29 03 2010
Robbie

Oh dear Lord have mercy….

29 03 2010
Tombarina

I know. It was most distressing. AND in the Qantas Club, too.

29 03 2010
vivisection

I recall Molly Meldrum wearing a bedazzled Egyptian themed leather jacket on televison in recent history? Spicks and Specks maybe?

29 03 2010
29 03 2010
pinky has a brain

what about Sass and Bide…I love hearing the bouge mispronounce that…Sounds like they are referring to a bidet. hehehehe

29 03 2010
Kate

Sarse n Biday jeenssssssssssss as it is pronounced in the English dialect of Bogue.

29 03 2010
pinky has a brain

so funny…yet so very wrong

19 11 2010
Michael

I recall attending a picnic afternoon in the Alexandra Gardens, perhaps 20 years ago (?) which was attended by many homosexualists, as it was a social function attached to The Midsumma Festival. (Could the festival’s nomenclature qualify as an example of corporate bogan nomenclature, perhaps?) Surrounding me was a bevy of carefully toned young hairdressers with full-head bleach jobs, all sporting D&G bedecked white garments to set off their tanning-salon bronzing (it was pre-orange days, after all!) Many exhibited conspicuously branded D&G underwear waistbands hovering above their hipsters.

“What’s all this D&G nonsense?” I muttered into my Billecart Salmon Rose Brut. “Don’t you know?” brayed Barrie Kosky, “It means dumb and gay!” Bless you Bazza: got it nailed in one!

29 03 2010
Peter

Buying ‘unbranded’ anything (anything of quality) is one of the great challenges of life.

29 03 2010
amr

Bonds grey and black t shirts still a favourite with me.

29 03 2010
Toby

This site is funny and usually spot on but you are setting yourself on a pedestal. Moet is a Dutch name and is actually pronouced “Mowett”, not “Mo-ay” as you presumably think it is. Now who’s the bogan?

It’s more of a “Moette” than a “Mow-it”, which is what we we going for. TBL

29 03 2010
Nelson Esq

TBL, I thought a Moette was a female bogan from Moe…

29 03 2010
vivisection

no, that’s a scrubber

29 03 2010
Toby

Not really. In English it’s pronounced with a schwa. Only aspirational bogans would call it Mowette.

30 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

schwa?
now who’s on a pedestal?

29 03 2010
loftie

Renepô Gel was the classy wine of choice that I thought all Bogans drank…

Has anyone seen or heard of this select drop??

29 03 2010
Tombarina

Is it like Sparkling Mango, the evil step-brother of Passion Pop? A whiff of that stuff, and the enamel starts flaking off one’s teeth .

29 03 2010
vivisection

A distant cousin of Nikov Vodka and Orange in a cask? Kiwi Fruit Juice and Paint stripper, I mean Vodka anybody?

29 03 2010
James Hunter

It,s great for getting road film of your windscreen

29 03 2010
Simon of South Yarra

The name of the esteemed drink which has famous aphrodisiac properties is Rene Pogel and named after the famous french pants man

29 03 2010
loftie

Simon has it bang on the nose… though it may be called different in some parts….

Read it backwards people…. Rene Pogel or Renepô Gel…
Either way, if you drink it… you’ll have the solution…

29 03 2010
Tombarina

Tricky! And yes, clearly closely related to Sparkling Mango, although it’s more your Recudni Timov.

29 03 2010
loftie

You’ve got it Tom!!!

29 03 2010
vivisection

Oh, like Casks of “Fruity Legopener” – 4 litres of sugared, alcoholoic vinegar – I used to have a friend who drank this with pineapple juice , as a toner.

29 03 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

Dont think LVMH could survive without the Japanese. Their bogans are mad for it, and there are millions who save their pocket money all year to buy a bag or purse. The mum, baby and pram combo isnt complete without a massive LV bag for all her essentials.

As for slamming Asians, my God this was beautiful from the weekend trash news. I skipped the story and went straight to the comments.

If you are halfway through your cornflakes, remove the spoon now…

http://www.perthnow.com.au/news/billionaire-oswalds-declare-meat-war-on-the-building-site/comments-0-1225846350854

29 03 2010
brad

Maybe you should have read the story,fuck talk about playing devils advocate

29 03 2010
pinky has a brain

“Indeed, the bogan is willing to send itself deep into the pit of insolvency in order to acquire LVMH products. Female bogans display 100% interest in Louis Vuitton products, and are willing to pay 20% interest to Mastercard in order to bolster their egos in this manner. ” <– Thank you TBL, thank you

29 03 2010
Kate

I feel sad the sweatshop workers that make the knock offs of LVMH bags. As always, the bogan doesn’t realise that they’re supporting slavery and counterfeiting without giving a damn.

29 03 2010
Robbie

I don’t think they really care if their purchases are supporting child labour/slavery…that’s what makes me sad 😦

29 03 2010
brad

Fi cares(its a dirty job,but someone’s gotta do it!)

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. No, really I don’t. I care as much for them as I do for the man who made a special effort to correct TBL on the type of cancer Delta had, just so he could tell us he has it.

29 03 2010
brad

where angels fear too tread lol

30 03 2010
AlyssaKT

That was AFTER he told us that he couldn’t possibly be a bogan as he had never tasted beer, played a sport, smoked or had sex.

30 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Cancer is probably the highlight of his life then.

30 03 2010
Tombarina

I laughed at that.
I’m going straight to hell…

30 03 2010
James Hunter

Fiona,
Cancer may well be a high point but the highlight of life surely is death?

30 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. The highlight of my life would be your death.

30 03 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
to know that you care so much ,makes my day.

29 03 2010
AlyssaKT

The non-knock-offs of many popular brands are sweatshops too…

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

it’s a free market baby!
get yr shares.

(tongue firmly in cheek)

29 03 2010
JimC

It’s all the more depressing when you see the little Sharniqua and Jackxzin strutting around in their DG shirts and knock-off Oakleys.

There’s few things bogans like more than training their kids to be brainless consumerist label-whores just like them. Where in a few years they’ll be beating up other kids who dare to wear clothes that don’t come with enormous, obnoxious brand names on them.

29 03 2010
pinky has a brain

well said. I totally agree.

30 03 2010
JimC

But it’s okay because when their boguelettes start bullying other kids the parents can just shrug and say “Well, he’s got ADHD, hasn’t he? Can’t do anything about that.”

29 03 2010
Kat

I was looking at handbags recently and I thought “what if I was to buy a classic, handbag?”. The first one I saw that I liked cost $10000 from Hermes. Um, no. Is it actually classy to spend $10000 on a handbag? Only if you have $10000 to spend on something that unnecessary, I suppose. Otherwise, it just reeks of cheap values and poor self image, regardless of how classic the handbag actually is or how much it might improve your social standing when hobnobbing with people who care about that type of thing.

I won’t even speak of things like the Guess handbag. And various similar handbags seen while searching for the perfect classic handbag. They look as expensive as Jesse James’s mistress and exwife.

29 03 2010
pinky has a brain

“Otherwise, it just reeks of cheap values and poor self image” A la The Beckhams? What i can’t understand why anyone would want to look like someone who has to clench their bum cheeks in order to smile.

I’m no beauty, but if that what beauty looks like, I’ll stick with my ‘plain jane super brain’ clothing collection. 😀

29 03 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Jesus.
You could get your tits done for $10,000

😀

29 03 2010
Snag

Speaking of spending rediculus amounts of money on unnecessary things, last year I was coming back through the Hong Kong airport and happened upon a bottle of scotch for approximately AU$180,000! I couldn’t believe it. Who would buy something like that for that price? I’m still puzzled to this day.

29 03 2010
r.jett

Here i was thinking it was just dom. But this was not a surprise in hindsight really when you have the Moët pavillion in the birdcage at the melbourne cup. (Where bogans aspire to get into).

29 03 2010
SD

Taking off from Kat’s point, strictly speaking isn’t the desire for any brand bogan in essence? Those women waiting for the Birkin Bags, for e.g., are simply bogans with loads more spare cash….

So I am thinking Moet, Vueve Cliquot, JD, Perrier etc. = bogan
Drinking absinthe = not bogan

29 03 2010
Tombarina

SD, I agree – although there IS conscious anti-brand snobbery, which manifests itself as supreme self-righteousness and is most often seen among organic hemp-wearing Prius drivers with an abundance of recyclable shopping bags and children nearly as obnoxious as those of the CUB.

Somewhere between the two is commonsense – adults who may be brand-aware, but sufficiently self-assured to know that an “It” bag will NOT enhance their quality of life, make them more interesting, or compensate for being an unco boombalada during those awkward teenage years.

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I wasn’t an unco boombalada in my teens. Nor am I now, btw.

29 03 2010
James Hunter

Fiona,
Were you a ‘Barossa Pearl’, Girl by any chance

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I have no idea what that is, so I’ll say no.

29 03 2010
James Hunter

Sorry Ment ,
Phorphrey Pearl and Barossa Starwine .Two most dreadful white sparkleys with screw tops from the 70s

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Good Lord. Screw top wine? Anyway, I’m nowhere near THAT old!

29 03 2010
James Hunter

Well I must say you do not look that old.

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Of course I don’t – I’m not!

29 03 2010
James Hunter

Just because your a cougar does not mean you have to tell every one !

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I am FAR from the age one would need to be to be labelled with that unflattering epithet.

29 03 2010
loftie

I love it when you speak like that Fiona…

I can just imagine how ‘Unco Boombalada’ just rolls off your tongue…

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I suspect you imagine a lot more than that rolling off my tongue…

29 03 2010
Simon

The fair maiden softly whispers “Loftie, get out of that f**king tree and come into my bedroom big boy”

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. More like “security, check the perimeter…”

29 03 2010
James Hunter

Fi ,
You promised !
Now I’m soooo jelous

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. *shudder* I did no such thing!

29 03 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
Grrrrrr I just love it when you “shudder”

30 03 2010
loftie

Oh I like where this is all going… 😉

29 03 2010
Benjamin

Get her to say Plinth.

Get your wife/significant other to say it and watch their lips. According to Robert Rankin it is the sexiest word, and I do believe he is correct.

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I just watched myself say that in a mirror. Yeah, it was rather sexy, if I say so myself.

29 03 2010
brad

i bet you were aways asking your carpenter about plinths during the works too the estate?

29 03 2010
Nelson Esq

Bogan says “Plinff, what’ so f*ckin’ sexy ’bout that? What’sa plinff anyway?”

31 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

I think it’s called sophistication.
complexity.
nice

29 03 2010
SD

People driving Pruis and wearing “eco clothing” priced exorbitantantly and flogged off by some ageing rocker’s wife = bogans thinking they are anti-bogans and all class.

People who can’t be bothered either way and are probably buying some generic brand on the run based on not breaking the bank = you and me.

I would like to think TBL writers wear Edwardian frock coats and drink absinthe whilst “penning” their blog and are far away from all above categories – but one may well be mistaken!

29 03 2010
Sammie

Brilliant post. I have hated LV bags from the first time I saw one and can’t comprehend how something so ugly can be so popular. It’s the same bag but in different sizes and sometimes in different shapes. I think the only appeal of it is that it’s “Italian or something?????”
My sister works in a poster shop and bogans frequently purchase anything by Da Vinci because “He’s the guy from the book and he’s Italian…. yeah… wow…. he’s like the most famous artist ever eh?????” *shudder*
On another occasion, a bogan asked her “Hey, did Pro Hart paint that nude man in the corner?” (referring to the Vitruvian Man….)
I think it’s the bogan’s desperate need to be worldly and to appear worldly to his bogan mates that fuels the marketing machine….

29 03 2010
Mezz

“Hey, did Pro Hart paint that nude man in the corner?” That’s priceless!!

Don’t forget that dego that painted that ceiling in Rome – what was his name again?

*Shudder* is pretty accurate

29 03 2010
Shirley M

You mean the cistern chapel guy?

And yes, I have actually heard someone say that.

29 03 2010
Mezz

Yes Yes – The Cistern Chapel!! I’m struggling not to fall off the chair here – Thanks Shirley!

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Don’t you mean “the throne”?

29 03 2010
James Hunter

The white china throne?

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. They’re made of white china? Interesting. Mine are gold. Not 24k of course – that would just be stupid.

29 03 2010
James Hunter

and the bidet ?

29 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Well duh! Same of course. They must match.

29 03 2010
Benjamin

I can kind-of agree with the name “Cistern Chapel”. When I was there I got that kind of impression.

Yes, the roof is beautiful. Yes, it is designed after the measurements of Solomon’s temple. But boy is it a dank dark room.

29 03 2010
pinky has a brain

maybe it needs a noice feature wall or some tizzing up with some fake flowers. 😀

29 03 2010
Simon

I went there and got to say it impressed the shit out of me.

29 03 2010
Benjamin

Don’t get me wrong – I was impressed!

Just to me the setting didn’t cast the art in its best light.

29 03 2010
Simon

Yeah, but did you get my little joke, you know cistern/shit, ok sorry bit obtuse but it is monday and takes a while to warm up.

29 03 2010
Benjamin

Ha! I admit that the joke flew over my head.

Hopefully the glassing will also.

29 03 2010
jay

the guy who painted the cistern chapel? he was awful. artistic license? i’m only the bloody pope. i may not know much about art, but i know what i like!

31 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

solomon eh?
hm.
*eyebrows*

29 03 2010
Valo

Prior to the horrid Da Vinci Code books and films, bogues only knew of Leonardo as the blue ninja turtle.

29 03 2010
Mezz

Very true. And I’m sure that there a still a few out there who think the artist was named after the ninja turtle.. Sad

29 03 2010
brad

was he the one whom was voiced by Corey Feldman?

29 03 2010
Shirley M

No. Corey voiced Donatello. I think.

29 03 2010
brad

your right must have been the other Corey

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

whom was it corey did voice?

29 03 2010
pb

this is fantastic, tbl – add me to the list of people who’ve never seen the appeal of overpriced brands, particularly the emblazoning of the brand name on the clothing/accessory item. paying for the privilege of being a garish billboard is utterly bogan.

29 03 2010
Ironhalo

I don’t get people who buy REAL Louis Vuitton products. EVERY Asian woman in Sydney I see on the streets has a ‘legit’ LV bag *cough* so why accessorise with something that is so crass?

It’s like being proud of wearing a ‘rool Von Dutch’ shirt.

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

ding!

spot on.

branding is for the feeble minded!
You have been had Sirs.
Smarter men than you work in advertising!

like “Sukkah!”

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

and guess what sweetheart?
whatever the bag tells you,
this is NOT monaco.

don’t listen to the bag.

29 03 2010
Tombarina

What about the faux-Ralph Laurens with the eNORmous silhouetted polo pony cantering across one’s left bosom?
I saw a bunch of loud chaps in matching fake RLs lined up at a bar recently – looked like the starting gate at Flemington.

29 03 2010
Laura

LOL. Just LOL.

29 03 2010
Awesomerickee

This article needs more Ray Ban bashing

30 03 2010
AlyssaKT
30 03 2010
Simon

Rickee, people wearing Ray Bans are bashing themselves I reckon.

29 03 2010
Boganade

I turned on the television yesterday to see what was happening in the formula one and was unlucky enough to see an interview with Kit Willow who was the designer of the grid girls uniform. She must have said “premium” about ten times in relation to Qantas, each one sounding more forced than the last.

With the number of bogans going overseas (to Bali and Thailand) it is only a matter of time before they start flying on a full service airline as another status symbol.

Those of you bemoaning the former exclusiveness of the Qantas Club get ready for the onslaught.

29 03 2010
Tombarina

Boganade, as previously mentioned, Qantas Club has zero exclusivity. They let Brian Mannix in.

29 03 2010
Laura

Yep. Why, just the other day I attended a bon voyage do for a jet-setting bogue couple, and the smugness about them when they informed me they were going to Thailand with Qantas was palpable. And pitiful. Ugh!

29 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

wait until they are all in, offer them a free lap dance each. lead them through the secret door and
turn on the gas taps.

29 03 2010
Will S

Sorry to go off topic, but check out this front cover from the “Sunday Mail”

teacher bashing, free fuel, racism and dreamworld all in one package… i don’t know if “uninformed hating on asylum seekers” would quite fit the tone of the blog, but it’d be pretty cool to see something said about it

29 03 2010
Ironhalo

The haven that WAS the Qantas Club is now a packed madhouse of bogues trying their best to look like they are up to no good. I was there the other day and watched as a guy on thongs, stubbies and a wifebeater wandered up to the bar for no doubt his eighth ‘golden microphone’ (see Crown Lager) while no doubt giggling like a naughty school kid once he got back to his seat with his ‘woife and ruggies’.

I was standing behind three bogans in the Club queue check-in one day last year and heard the following exchange:
Bogue 1: ‘Oi what’s this line?’
Bogue 2: ‘Fucks me but at least we don’t have to line up!’
Bogue 1: ‘Hahaha yeah!’
Bogue 3: ‘I don’t think we’re meant to be here ey?’
Bogue 2: ‘Oi fuck up! It’ll be sweet, just shut up.’
Qantas Counter: ‘Next please…so can I just see your Club membership and I’ll get you guys checked in?’
Bogue 1: ‘What’s that?’
Qantas Counter: ‘I’m sorry sirs, you’re going to have to go down the end there and join the queue.’
Bogue 2: ‘This is bullshit!!!!’
*walk off mumbling about how they’re going to start flying Virgin and how Qantas has ‘gone to the dogs’*

My other half and I just snickered to ourselves, I seriously couldn’t stop myself laughing. But as for Q-Club, I’m not even sure it’s worth renewing my membership…it’s seriously less offensive now to just grab a coffee for 20 mins and jump on the plane once the queue has disappeared.

29 03 2010
Laura

Quality stuff, TBL. I like.

29 03 2010
Ryu

Top post.

I remember being at University with a chap who wore a Hugo Boss t-shirt. Thing was it didn’t really go with his cheap shitty jeans and Ford Laser.

But you know, I kinda prefer a bit of reverse boganism these days. I rocked up to Coles tonight in my converse one stars and husker du t-shirt in my M3 with Guns and Roses blasting.

And yes I appreciate that boasting about my car is inherently bogan. But fuck it.

30 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

hopelessly bogan. aligning your self esteem with your posessions is very thin ice Sir.

you wear a husker du t-shirt while listening to guns and roses.

there’s something here… can’t quite reach it… nope. gone.

anyway, where the hell do you get one stars?

I have this photo from the old livid festival, camera accidentally went off whilst pointing at the ground. when I had the roll developed everyone in frame was wearing one stars, with the exception of maybe one pair of cherry docs.

30 03 2010
Simon

Chubby, I’ll help you Tshirt says I want to be seen as cool but listening to GnR screams bogan (certainly not ironic cool). Bit jealous about the M3 though.

30 03 2010
Ryu

You got it 🙂

30 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

suggest removing all branding and just leaving the price tags on?

5 04 2010
Julia

Would Yellowglen (and Pinkglen, and the various other devil incarnates it has spawned) not be a more apt entry? It appears to be a “noice and classy” version of Passion Pop (which I do confess to drinking, as well as goon, but I am an impoverished student* and thus I have no choice).
* Alas, I am doing a vocational degree. Engineering.

8 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

go vocators!
farmers and engineers are the only people who produce anything new.
we shall all be parasites at your teat Sir!

8 04 2010
AlyssaKT

I just found this out and had to share!
My friend’s bosses (a married couple who own the company she works for) have an adult daughter working there also, named Moette. Gold.

8 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Like AlyssaKT, I just have to share this (from your beloved Fiona’s Twitter account): From @chanib88 “woah woah woah, im no bogan!… i like moet “

15 04 2010
JacJacJacqui

As horrendous as Louis Vuitton is, the true bogan wears Guess..

10 10 2011
M M

Mowert is actually pretty close to correct pronunciation of Moët, given that the family name behind the Moët side of the name of the company is actually of Dutch origin and not French, the French pronunciation of mow-ay would be incorrect. However given the bogans love for LVMH have actually given into pronouncing it the bogan way when the bogan visit the cellar door.

26 07 2013
Lady Moss

Michael Kors. Louis Vuitton for poor Bogans.

5 08 2014
jd

The bogan pronounce Vuitton as ‘vitt-on’… I think there needs to be an entry on Replica Designer Furniture. Nothing is more crass than buying fakes

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