While reality shows like Big Brother allow the bogan to send a slew of SMS votes at moderate expense, there is a pronounced lack of merchandise and consumable products bearing its logo. The same is true of bogan reality favourites involving cooking and dancing. This is a key factor that has made bogan musical talent quests so successful; it combines the bogan’s desire to vote, with CDs, concert tickets, clothes, and iTunes downloads. A purchasable, cleverly marketed identity.
It started with “Popstars” in 2000, which brought the bogan Bardot and Sophie Monk’s breasts. Both Bardot and its grammatically disfigured successor Scandal’us scored number #1 singles, as the bogan lapped up the idea that it could create celebrities with its keypad. Three years later, the genre mutated into Australian Idol, the creation of a then-43 year old Englishman. It was a slicker operation with a greater sense of boganic instant gratification. The British and American incarnations of his show were being judged by a surly Englishman one year his senior. Soon, the bogans at home were taking more delight in the conspicuous failings of untalented bogans who were so transfixed by the idea of pop stardom that they forgot that they possess none of the required elements.
And so it came to be, that Simon Fuller’s music reality shows had come to dominate the bogan’s consciousness, and the bogan enjoyed being outraged by Simon Cowell’s acerbic barbs. Simon C’s time on these shows had given him an x-treme understanding of what the global bogan requires in reality TV music talent quests. Tired of being a judge on someone else’s show, he created his own show, and named it X-Factor. The British version features Cowell and the mediocre and plastic Dannii Minogue (breasts), while the Australian version flopped because it only had the mediocre and plastic Mark Holden, whose breasts were uninteresting to the bogan. Simon F also raised his bogan-buck ambitions, creating shows such as “So You Think You Can Dance”, and the new “If I Can Dream”, which involves locking aspiring performers into a house and transmitting 24/7 webcam feeds to people with no aspirations of their own.
Simon C refused to be outdone. He defies time and space to also be a judge on Britain’s Got Talent, and produces America’s Got Talent. The 2009 version of Britain’s Got Talent brought a special treasure to the bogan’s television; Susan Boyle. This middle-aged, loudmouthed frump from a small village in Scotland defied her sceptics to be a capable singer of a song that the bogan had not heard of. This convinced the bogan that for all of its own physical or social shortcomings, it probably also had capacity to become a celebrity. The bogan responds to this new dawn of possibilities by purchasing Boyle’s CD, loudly vowing to take singing lessons, and then sitting back down on its couch to channel surf for a show that features bogans trying to cook. Indeed the bogan will watch, do, and purchase whatever these Simonz sayz. The pair is currently understood to be working on a new show called “X-Cook-X-Sing-X”, which will cost the bogan thousands of dollars in SMS votes.