#96 – Late Night Logistics

2 03 2010

Usually the bogan just doesn’t care. Its conduct is that of a self-interested cretin; utterly unwilling to think sequentially, and merrily taking delight in the misfortune of others. But like an octogenarian who has exhausted his supply of Viagra, there is a definite soft spot in the bogan’s leathery shell. This hidden side of the bogan is a compassionate one, it is a supportive one, it is a thoughtful one. The bogan wants nothing but the best for you.

Unfortunately, the bogan suffers from confidence issues, and usually finds itself too shy to express its beautiful true self to strangers. This is society’s loss, and it pains the bogan to the point that it will turn to hard liquor to dull the persistent pangs of guilt and shame. You can find the bogan standing in a dark corner of a bar late in the evening, intoxicated on its own existential torment, and hoping that one more drink will liberate it from its inhibitions.

Over in the middle of the bar is an obnoxious drunkard who is rigorously exercising its freedom of speech. The drunkard is gesticulating wildly to make its fallacious points, with its tentacles flinging dangerously close to bystanders. Mid-sentence, its motor skills finally abandon it, causing its bottle of locally brewed, foreign label beer to fly from its hand. Time stops. Or it goes into that bullet time thing from The Matrix.

The camera pans to the unfulfilled bogan in the corner, watching the bottle majestically soaring towards the wall. Caught in the moment, the bogan forgets his fears. He is suddenly alive, catlike, and purposeful. As the bottle crushes into the plaster, the bogan is moving toward the drunkard, ready to offer advice and assistance. A temporary flash of self-doubt returns, so it rehearses its proposed dialogue.

“Excuse me sir, I couldn’t help but notice that your tipple has slipped from your fingers and come to grief. I am saddened for your loss, and do not judge you. I’m attuned to your emotions, and sense that you may be embarrassed. I’m here to help, perhaps I could arrange for your safe egress from this establishment? It’s no trouble at all, I’d be only too happy to be of assistance.”

In the same instant that the sound of splintering glass rings through the air, the Pavlovian bogan lets its spirit flow.

“AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA ya dumb shit. TAXI! TAXI! HAHAHAHAHA TAXI! TAXI! SOMEONE GET THIS DICKHEAD A TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! AAAHAHAHAHA GET A TAXI YA PISSHEAD! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! AAAHAHAHAHAHA! TAXI! TAXI!


Actions

Information

103 responses

2 03 2010
Benjamin

(LINK) x 2 chaps!

True enough. It feels like Monday morning today, even though it isn’t. TBL

2 03 2010
Benjamin

And a lovely light hearted entry BTW. Thanks folks, it got a hearty laugh from me.

2 03 2010
Tubesteak

Put this one back in the oven for a bit. It’s only half baked.

Plus, is that how we spell “liquor” in this country?

2 03 2010
Andrew

how else do you spell it?

2 03 2010
DIMI VLAVMAN

taxiiiiiiiiiiii

2 03 2010
Peter

(LINK) x 2 chaps!

Pedant alert! Quick, call James Hunter.

2 03 2010
Benjamin

I don’t know about that – the TBL people seem to genuinely appreciate the proof reading.

2 03 2010
AlyssaKT

non-bogans often do….

2 03 2010
James Hunter

Thank you Peter
I shall getr right on it.

2 03 2010
Tone

Possibly one of the flimsiest TBL entries yet, however it was extremely well padded. I guess trying to come up with 400 words to describe 1 word is a lot more challenging than it sounds. Good work, TBL!

2 03 2010
berihebi

Bogan emotion
Late at night in Chapel Street
Glass enters eyeball

2 03 2010
Sten

Bogan-inspired Haiku… love it!

2 03 2010
Brimstone

I thought this would be about the various choices you make on a night out involving bars and kebab shops and whatnot
or total strangers coming up to you trying to be friendly and checking if you’re okay or if you’re too drunk or if you’re not drunk enough. its annoying. go away
not sure which of those things are bogan things though

2 03 2010
JimC

The first two sentences of this post are the greatest thing ever written on this site.

Everything else that could ever be said about the bogan naturally comes from that.

2 03 2010
Nelson Esq

Every bogan thinks he’s a comedian and calling out “Taxi!” when someone is drunk is classic bogan comedy. The joke just never gets tired and will always get a laugh from other bogans. Yelling out ‘Taxi’, is the bogan version of a peacock spreading its tail; an act to draw the attention of other bogans, particularly the femme-bogue and to say “Look at moie, Oi’m a good bloke and fuckin’ funny and can hold me piss unlike that c**t!”. And of course the bogan just hates the attention…

2 03 2010
Going Bogue

I used to know some bogans who revelled in yelling “TAXI!”. So much did they enjoy this that they actually had different scales on their “TAXI-o-meter” (well, only two really) with your standard “TAXI!” call for the early-evening accidental glass breakage and “Oh, that’s a five-seater!” for later on when the culprit was really pissed and the breakage far more obnoxious.

2 03 2010
Nelson Esq

Actual bogan late night logistics…
While a taxi may be the transport of choice for some drunk bogans with a bit more of the folding stuff than others after a huge night out, there are other options.
1. The passenger seat of your mate’s XR6, who is also drunk but will drive you and 6 other mates home anyway. Destination: Powerpole or tree.
2. The back of an ambulance because you’ve been a glassee. Destination: The Alfred Hospital
3. The back of divvy van because you’ve been the glasser. Destination: The nearest Police Station for a night in the lock up.
4. The Night Rider Bus (which you wouldn’t be able to get a seat on if not for the options above). Destination: The intersection of 2 main roads in the middle of some bogan infested outer suburb about a 3 kilometre walk from the bogans actual house.

2 03 2010
Ghengis

Isn’t it normally a Clubsport, or a Skyline

2 03 2010
Benjamin

I think the Falcons have been prominent in this area of late.

Also, Skyline drivers tend to be sober hoons, in my experience at least.

2 03 2010
James Hunter

Nah
Nissan 2 ltr 180 s or 200 s, Sylvia
with a megaphone exhaust and a waste gate to atmosphere, now thats boag

2 03 2010
Antosha

Tell me… back in Oz are the WRX’es still the domain of the Wogan these days?

2 03 2010
Simon

Oh yeah. Or the Asiagan.

2 03 2010
clairebbbear

Oh nice.

Which brings me to another Thing Bogans Like: Roadside Memorials.

2 03 2010
AlyssaKT

I think yes and no, Clairebbbear;
The ones who knew someone who knew someone who died there like roadside memorials.
The ones the roadside memorials are supposed to deter from stupid driving practices like ignoring them.

The simple white crosses are good to remind everybody.

3 03 2010
ant

Otherwise known as Bogan Shrines.

2 03 2010
Loftie

The only thing missing was the ‘Glassing of some cunt’ and perhaps a visit from the constabulary…

Plenty of links there… Love your work TBL

2 03 2010
Loftie

Apologies Nelson Esq…
It appears that I should perhaps read each individual post, rather than skim read, and re-post the same comment with a couple of different words…

*(Perhaps another TBL entry for another day)*
Ignorant Reading (skim reading)

Thats how bogans read quality literature (ie:Herald Sun)…
Generally only pulling out the bits that they feel relevant…

Like today’s Herald Sun – featuring a nude Lara Bingle…
I’m sure that it will sell plenty of copies today… (well played Herald Sun)
But will any bogans actually read the article??
They’ll applaude Brendan Fevola (read: KING Bogan) and wish that they had also received the MMS that was circulating…

I wonder how many nude boguettes will be circulating around the interweb via MMS this weekend – with such motivation as above…

2 03 2010
James Hunter

You ,read, the Herald sun??

2 03 2010
Loftie

No – you’ll notice I didn’t once say that “I” read the Herald Sun…

2 03 2010
Jo

I don’t think I understand this post…is it about the sometimes occurance (go ahead and correct me you type-o-lame-o’s) of bogans being creepily nice when their drunk rather than a usual reaction like cunt glassing or a string of homophobic name-calling?.
If so I have an anecdote to share. Last weekend, much to the embarrassment of three of my friends, they all showed up in the same black motorcycle/punk style jacket, this resulted in many’a bogan approaching us asking if we were in a gang (oblivious to the fact that motorcycle jackets are just a popular trend with us “young hipster-fag” types…I guess their like our Ed Hardy) anyway all night we had to listen to southern cross clad bogans talk about various gangs they’ve been in, they seemed genuinely excited about hanging about with people they would usually be throwing glasses and insults like “emo-fag” or “hipster-fag” at….not sure what this had to do with the post

2 03 2010
AlyssaKT

no, Jo, us “type-o-lame-o’s” (sic) wouldn’t bother correcting your post.

However – a ‘typo’ is an accidental occurrence, like if I typd liek thsi. Not just poor spelling and/or grammar.

2 03 2010
Jo

“no, Jo, us “type-o-lame-o’s” (sic) wouldn’t bother correcting your post”

-(This is so obvious its painful)
you just proved yourself wrong by bothering to correct “occurrence” and describing the difference between a typo and spelling/grammer.

While we’re being anal, you don’t really need to put (sic) after “type-o-lame-o” because its a made up term and therefore doesn’t have an official correct spelling, so just putting quotation marks around it is enough to show the reader your simply quoting a term made up by someone else.

2 03 2010
AlyssaKT

My use of the word occurrence was coincidental. Your apostrophe in lamo-o’s was what offended me enough to use the old “(sic)”
If I wanted to correct your whole post it would take more time.

2 03 2010
Jo

type-o-lame-o’s is my term and I can spell it how I wish, I wanted it to be phonetic.
Your allowed to be offended, that was the point, but can’t you see that saying:
“no, Jo, us “type-o-lame-o’s” (sic) wouldn’t bother correcting your post.” was hilarious because you yourself were doing exactly that.
And lets be honest with ourselves here, people like you have nothing better to do with your time than to pick apart the spelling and grammar of posts rather than contribute anything of depth and meaning to a discussion, so why don’t you just go ahead and correct the whole post, I wouldn’t want you to miss out on your kicks for the day.

2 03 2010
FT

hahaha, “your allowed to be offended” vs “you’re allowed to be offended”.

Sorry Jo, it’s not that I don’t have better things to do with my time – it’s that I’m procrastinating on a rather important task and finding the humour in such errors is a great way to alleviate the stress. Plus, the only reason I don’t have anything of meaning to contribute is because I can’t be bothered adding to a post that really does speak for itself.

(God, I hope I haven’t made any errors in this comment…)

2 03 2010
Jo

“(God, I hope I haven’t made any errors in this comment…)”
it’s best just to take my stance and laugh at the people who care too much

2 03 2010
Keeping Kosher Klansman

Lady’s (sic), ladie’s (sic), ladys (fully sic), enough with the pedantic semantics. It makes one feel a bit (sic). A ba(sic) understanding of the English language is essential – but a Clas(sic)s degree, even a degree in pseudoclas(sic)s (Fiona of Toorak), in no way should serve as a prerequisite for a TBL post. Such rigid Lynne Trussian adherence to convention is often smugly wielded by (sic)ophants to Truss and her snooty grammauthoritarian ilk.

Incidentally, I have Type O Negative blood coursing through my veins and resent being called lame.

2 03 2010
hel

KKK I like this!

2 03 2010
Jo

well articulated.
but most people resent being called lame…that’s why I often use it as a pay-out.

2 03 2010
Brimstone

The friendliness creeps me out. Some goth friends were asked if they were vampires

2 03 2010
Mezz

Not the most engaging post today TBL. Valid points however. I still eagerly await the UFC posting.

2 03 2010
Loftie

and it will be posted…
Post #100??

Or post #110 (in refernce to UFC 110 that was in Sydney couple of weeks back???

2 03 2010
James

You seem to know a lot about UFC, Loftie…

2 03 2010
Benjamin

What the hell is UFC?

2 03 2010
Loftie

James – big assumption to make from a 2 line post… but deadly accurate… I’m a big fan of the UFC

Benjamin – UFC = Ultimate Fighting Championship
Its mixed martial arts, full contact, or fighting to the X-treme (in bogan terms)

It creates controversy because it is known for high-impact combat and also known for Knock Outs and lots of blood… Far more entertaining and actually more skillful than boxing and other ‘brands’ of fighting.
It was recently in Australia for the first time a couple of weeks ago in Sydney (reference to UFC 110)…

Bogans love it because its X-treme fighting, they can watch guys get KO’ed, and there is a good chance that someone will get drunk in the crowd and glass some c#nt…

2 03 2010
Tone

Calling someone ‘UFC’ via a text message would be a great bogan insult, for someone you want to glass but they happen to be somewhere else at the time you feel like glassing them.

2 03 2010
Peter of Kensington

“actually more skillful than boxing”

Mistaken opinion stated as fact……Bogan?

2 03 2010
Loftie

Are you saying that boxing is more skillful than brazilian jujitsu, and other forms or martial arts?

because boxing only involves fists striking to the body and head…

brazilian jujitsu involves striking with fists, kicks, knees, elbows, as well as the ground manouvering…

Mistaken opinion stated as fact? I think not.

2 03 2010
Paddington

Oy vey. Arguing over whose bit of biff is the best?

2 03 2010
Peter of Kensington

Are there a higher number of individual skills required in BJJ? Yes.
Are the fighters more skilful? No.

“because boxing only involves fists striking to the body and head”

That shows a lack of understanding of the subject and I do not wish to enter a serious discussion on TBL, so I will leave you with my simple assessment:

MMA – Jack of all trades, master of none.
Boxing – Master of a complex and specialised trade

2 03 2010
Faux-gan

There have been some guys in MMA over the years that have been champions in their respective sports – wrestlers, BJJ, Kickboxers. Also some Golden Gloves boxers have made the conversion. Kickin’ heads in is skillful business no matter how you do it!

2 03 2010
JimC

Bogans love that stuff because they spend their waking lives thinking “I could bash a cunt like that…”, completely unaware of the fact that they’d last approximately 4.3 seconds in a ring with a real MMA fighter.

3 03 2010
Loftie

lets agree to disagree…
like you said Peter – serious discussion – TBL is certainly not the place for it…

3 03 2010
Korubell

I gave my jujitsu a brazilian, but it grew back after a couple of weeks.

3 03 2010
devil's advocate

I agree, UFC does not require more skill than boxing.

2 03 2010
James

Loftie,

I actually enjoy it too. A former martial artist myself, I appreciate the skill involved in the wrestling in particular. Anyone who has watched Randy Couture fight (and beat) much bigger men has to appreciate the skill involved.

2 03 2010
Benjamin Hill

Those who are true fans of either MMA, Muay Thai, Boxing etc do not bicker over which is more technical, they simply enjoy their preferred fight game and watch the rest. Personally I prefer Boxing any day of the week but I will not force my preference on other people, that act alone is the greatest of bogan traits I have come across.

3 03 2010
Sam

My favourite form of combat is glassing.

Glassing is the most skilled art as it involves thrashing someone in the head with a beer glass or bottle when they are not looking.

2 03 2010
Simon

The bogan has many strong Pavlovian responses similar to “taxi”. An amourous couple will always cop “get a room youse two”. Passing a cyclist will prompt the bogan to yell “get a car”. A band will always get “play (insert hit)” and a cunt will always get glassed.

2 03 2010
Shabadoo

Excellent stuff — slightly off-topic, but this little rant (and especially comment #1!) is a fantastic hard-core glace of bogan thinking that fellow TBL-lovers might enjoy: http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/angry-anderson-other-cultures-have-introduced-weapons/story-e6freuy9-1225835809885

2 03 2010
Korubell

If I were a journalist I’d be embarrassed to even report that story and, somehow, I feel dumber for having read it, but it’s nice to see those good, old-fashioned traditional Australian names (Innes, Anderson and Kerkyasharian) standing up and telling us all how un-Australian certain activities are. Indeed.

2 03 2010
Keeping Kosher Klansman

“Goodonya Angry. At last someone has the guts t’say wot evryone’s thinkn.”

Man, haven’t seen him for a while. He’s starting to bear a striking physical resemblance to everyone’s favourite padre, Father Bob Maguire of South Melbourne. Bound For Glory indeed.

I wonder if Angry considers c*ntglassing a socially acceptable form of Anglo-combat.

Have Your Say.

2 03 2010
Simon

Nah, Angry is old school and fists are the only acceptable weapon, he wouldn’t even kick you if you were down.

2 03 2010
Antosha

LOL !! Angry, 63, ‘grew up in the 80’s’

Better late than never I guess Angry.

2 03 2010
AlyssaKT

haha – I hadn’t noticed that Antosha!
Perhaps he doesn’t recollect anything happening previously!

3 03 2010
Korubell

Is he still angry these days, or is he just a bit irritable?

3 03 2010
Sam

Grumpy Anderson?

3 03 2010
devil's advocate

He’s just voicing the views of the silent majority.

3 03 2010
Korubell

What part of ‘silent’ doesn’t he understand?

2 03 2010
James Hunter

I have been on Fat Pizza a few times and this whole bogan blog series is so Paulie Fenec

2 03 2010
Jo

how does one BE on fat pizza? who were you?

2 03 2010
James Hunter

Simple answer: I was asked.
who was I ?
simple answer : my alter ego “Baby Hanibal”
see http://www.circusbizarre.com.au I’m the one with the concrete block on my head standing next to Fiona !! as if.

2 03 2010
Jo

oh that, I was going to check out that link when you posted it once before but I’m at work and I didn’t want to get in trouble haha!

2 03 2010
Loftie

TBL @ work is ok – circusbizarre @ work is not??

confused

2 03 2010
Simon

Not many photos of James lifting bricks with his dick on TBL.

3 03 2010
Loftie

Point taken…

2 03 2010
Ghengis

I won’t ask where Fiona is, because it might backfire, I still wonder what she does at night.

2 03 2010
Loftie

So do i….. *ahhhh* (staring into nothingness)

2 03 2010
Simon

Hangs upside down from the ceiling? Gives Chef a vigorous spanking? Sits on the porch sipping Pinot Grigio in Lingerie? The possabilities are as endless as Lofties imagination.

2 03 2010
James

My bet is that she sleeps in a box. Perhaps the local public library’s internet computers were all booked out today and yesterday?

2 03 2010
Gav

You are right; the last two days have been dangerously low on trolling. I can only assume an angry bogan mob finally breached the gates of her Toorak residence..

3 03 2010
Loftie

I didn’t see anyone??

2 03 2010
Happy

Since this entry was slightly piss weak, I just wanted to add an off topic remark; Bogans make better lovers than non bogans from a female perspective!

2 03 2010
Simon

Please explain!

2 03 2010
Faux-gan

PS What is with the accompanying picture for this post, it seems rather… obtuse

http://www.edpsycinteractive.org/topics/behsys/classcnd.html TBL

2 03 2010
freud's beard

No, it is a rather correct representation of Pavlov’s experiment, with TBL linking a “pavlovian” (or more correctly a conditioned response) behaviour of bogans to yell ‘taxi’ whenever someone drops a beverage at a bar. Interestingly my favourite site dictionary.com defines obtuse as “Lacking quickness of perception or intellect”

2 03 2010
FT

Perhaps Faux-gan meant to say obscure?

2 03 2010
freud's beard

Perhaps. I shall give F-G the benefit of the doubt

3 03 2010
Faux-gan

appreciate that FB but i don;t deserve it for having missed the bleeding obvious. I stand ready to receive the barbs

3 03 2010
freud's beard

Well played FG

2 03 2010
James Hunter

and I thought obtuse was from geometry ?

2 03 2010
Sam

trig

3 03 2010
Faux-gan

Gotcha, many thanks TBL – i see it now

*hangs head in shame*

2 03 2010
Simon

It is a pictorial representation of a pavolvian response which is what the post is about.

2 03 2010
hel

Bogans think a Pavlovian response is their asses getting bigger after eating too much of Shezzas special pav “wit da cream and kiwi froot”

2 03 2010
Peter

And while on the off topic subject of food, my suggestion for a future post is a debriefing on one those ridiculous cup cake shops increasingly littering the existing trash found in Westfield shopping malls.

2 03 2010
James Hunter

I remember the last time I was in a westfield mall…..1977 I seem to recall……

3 03 2010
Paddington

I have been absent from commenting for a while, but I believe I’ve noticed something becoming more obvious since I’ve continued reading without posting: TBL’s posters seem to be getting more posturing and more blokey with every entry *IMO*. And I reckon it can be pinpointed from around Post 66. I have a hunch we chaps have bolted through a gate previously unopened. There’s a distinct whiff of overbearing malehood starting to seep through.

3 03 2010
Peter

James Hunter, I can’t remember the last time I was in Lithgow, South Australia, Dubbo, New Zealand or whatever provincial hayseed town spat you out. Also, pops, I wasn’t even born in 1977…

3 03 2010
James Hunter

Peter,
You did not have to tell every one that..It is self evident and if you aspire to visiting Westfield then you sir are a bogan

3 03 2010
Peter

James Hunter, if you spot it you’ve got it, pops.

14 04 2010
Natasha

God, I hate when a bogan yells “TAXI.”

14 04 2010
AlyssaKT

I call “Limo”. But I’m neither cashed up nor bogan. It’s just better-ish.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: