#90 – Baby (insert brand here)

22 02 2010

It’s true, life is short. Any bogan you care to ask will thus tell you to ‘play hard’. There is certainly no time to spend at school learning, and no time to waste in establishing yourself at the top of the social tree. Social success via fierce conformity is crucial. The bogan likely grew up so unfairly disadvantaged as to attend an ‘independent’ school, yet not be given the designer duds that would grant them the social standing they so richly deserved. Hence the bogan today has a near-superhuman attentiveness to the similar hardships their own children may face.

Seeing as the bogan is such a couture-clad, semi-revivalist fashion maven, it makes complete sense to them that it is an utter imperative that their offspring receive the biggest sartorial leg-up they can. To wit, they dress their children in a manner as close to themselves as possible. Not for the bogan the notion that children be allowed a chance to develop their own style, based on the myriad factors that influence their developing brain. No, branding indoctrination is the hallmark of the modern-day bogan parent.

Thus, little Sharryd not only arrives at school clad in bitching new Cotton On Kids polo, establishing himself as the alpha boaglet, but is well on the way to a permanently entrenched lifestyle as a nouveau-bogue. Of course, though, in a school full of budding bogans, the competitive nature of the parents cannot stop at something so banal as Cotton On.

Then the juvenile bogan arms race picks up pace, moving from shopping centre basics to ‘couture’ labels; baby Armani, followed by Armani Junior, were popular, as, for the first time, genuine luxury brands moved to embrace bogan bucks. Like Happy Meals before them, junior designer labels appealed to kids’ desire for gifts with bogan parents’ desire to ensure their children did nothing (and were denied nothing) that would result in them standing out from the crowd, except for their impeccable taste in tastefully branded couture wear.

Meanwhile, back at school, little Sharryd’s getting the shit kicked out of him by slightly less little Jaxon, who despite his Ed Hardy hoodie, covets the cultural cachet that an Armani Junior provides.


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53 responses

22 02 2010
Jasper

“alpha boaglet”
Solid gold.

Can I use that please?

23 02 2010
Edhardy

Absolutely love the choice of language.

22 02 2010
Tone

I can’t wait until Hef’s crack marketing team releases a line of Playboy Junior merchandise, including ‘My First Pole’. I suspect the dolls would look like Slutz dolls, only with bigger boobs.

The more I think about it, the more I believe that getting a vasectomy was the best decision I ever made.

22 02 2010
Kat

There has already been a my first pole toy. It ended up being shamed out of stores. It encouraged little girls to wear skimpy things and dance to their favourite hot tracks.

22 02 2010
Kat

Oh God – I think it even had fake money to tuck into their panties.

22 02 2010
AlyssaKT

I wish I thought you were making this up

22 02 2010
22 02 2010
Tubesteak

I’ve been seeing commercials recently for acting/drama schools for children.

Just when you thought Gen Y were a bunch of pretentious self-absorbed over-indulged tossers now the generation that follows will all be pumped up to think they are special and talented

Just because their parents forked out fistfuls of cash to have a failed “actor” tell them they are special and talented and could be the next Miley Cyrus

22 02 2010
Tone

This isn’t a new phenomenon.

When I was a youngster, there used to be something called the Johnny Young Talent School. This was basically for baby boomer parents to live vicariously through their poor, long-suffering Gen X spawn. I think it was sold under the pretext that your kid could be the next big thing on Young Talent Time.

Exploitation of children for the purposes of entertainment and an inflated sense of self-worth, whilst embraced by NaB breeders with gusto, is an age-old problem.

22 02 2010
Tubesteak

Johnny Young: there’s a name to send shivers down the spine

22 02 2010
Storbz

I know what you mean Tubesteak. I saw exactly the same thing 10 years ago when I was coaching 3 – 6 y.o. kids at a tennis clinic called Pee Wee Tennis.

It was the LLeyton Factor: because he played in the same association as a junior, bogan parents in our area saw Mum and Dad sitting in the stands at Wimbledon and jumped on the “Turn-Your-Kid-To-Cash” bandwagon. They’d berate their children – and us – if their little darlings weren’t hitting backhand winners within 5 minutes. All the kids wanted to do was to have a little fun and make friends, but no, the parents wanted them to take it seriously and heaven help those that smiled or laughed or even looked like they were enjoying themselves. Seriously, one parent was screaming at their 5 y.o. to “concentrate, Ethan, you won’t get anywhere by mucking about!”.

I stopped doing it after the first month, because couldn’t take seeing the joy of playing sport sucked out of children at that age anymore.

22 02 2010
Going bogue

Yeah, I think both the Baby Boomers and Gen X have a lot to answer for when it comes to Gen Y.

22 02 2010
Bec

Oh dear. Agreed 100%, and I’m a private drama teacher.

Old school speech and drama – the classical poetry, public speaking and phoenetics stuff you learn for Trinity or ACL – is amazingly useful and nurturing. It builds confidence, teaches an appreciation of language and literature, and is amazing for public speaking and teaching proper pronunciation. No glitz, no famewhoring, just kids getting up and having fun without pressure. Sooooo incredibly sick of stagewhore parents who scream out “whaddaya MEAN little Dykota won’t get an agent this way?!?$?!!!!!” at me when I refuse to arrange auditions for advertisements and local tv shows. N00bs at theatre.

23 02 2010
nauseated

Oh Bec. The Horror!

Does the bogan even understand classical poetry? I think not.

23 02 2010
Tone

Oh, I dunno. I’m sure some bogues out there consider certain limericks to be ‘classic’.

22 02 2010
Loftie

*defensive parent stance*

My kids wear some ‘brand name’ duds (most that have been bought cheap by my wife’s friends whilst they travel thru thailand and bali)…
They have DC shoes, and Nike shoes, and for Race Weekends and Car Shows, they’re dressed in the muscle car/race gear… just like Dad…

But mostly, the clothes that they wear (the designer/branded clothes) were given as gifts at birthdays and xmas… and there’s not a lot that I can do about that… The kids have to wear something… and if someone else stupidly wants to pay $35 for my little man Rhylee to wear, then so be it…

To be fair – I can see the shade of bogue that this creates… especially when mummy gets the same ‘Ed Hardy’ logo that Sharryd is wearing tattoo’ed on her lower back…

My little Boaglets will continue dressing in what they’re given, until they can make their own decisions on which designer brand will ‘sell out’ to boganinity next…

22 02 2010
Skitter

Oh god kill me now

22 02 2010
Sarah

“for Race Weekends and Car Shows, they’re dressed in the muscle car/race gear… just like Dad…”

In as many words… “my spawn and I are card-carrying textbook bogans.”

22 02 2010
Loftie

not sure if i’ve received my card in the mail… they told me to wait 4-6 weeks for delivery…

as for text books… i’m actually more in to writing them… 😉 it’s the family trade
(and if you think i’m making this up, i’m not)
http://www.boomerangbooks.com.au/author/Graeme%20Lofts

22 02 2010
Faux-Gan

Careful defending your kiddies on here loftie, last time someone did that boy did it cause a shitstorm!

24 04 2010
Cotopaxi Carles

where did that happen? i have to see this…

22 02 2010
AlyssaKT

HAHA Loftie! Haha… right?

22 02 2010
berihebi

A lady at the company I work for was last year busted for using the corporate credit card for personal use to the tune of $250k. Among the list of purchases was 5k at Pumpkin Patch – must have walked in and told them to put the whole store in a bag. Mum in jail is perhaps just part of growing up for young bogan.

22 02 2010
Kat

Unfortunately they don’t usually jail mums. Apparently it is ‘bad for the kids’. I don’t think they’ve ever done any studies on whether mummy staying at home is actually worse for the kids.

22 02 2010
berihebi

True and true. The courts would be doing both mother and child a favour really by sending her away for a bit but they probably won’t.

22 02 2010
jay

i wonder if, especially old-style, bogans regard the jailing of a parent as building character in their ghastly off-spring?

22 02 2010
brad

Never take an expectant mother too Pumpkin Patch unsupervised,they are very vulnerable too having a total flip out and releasing the inner bouge that dwells within us all.The staff are very aware of this and coerce that l demon genie right out of the bottle-she had 250k and they only got 5k out of her,fuck i bet someone at PP didnt get their sales bonus that month

22 02 2010
caracal1788

The increasing prevalence of designer kids’ clothes drives me to dress my kids in solid basics from Target. Amusingly, they’re often mistaken for exclusive brands by parents who’d never set foot in there…

22 02 2010
berihebi

Target and K-mart are good although I wish they’d discover colours other than pink, blue and flouro.

22 02 2010
Tone

Target and Kmart are adequate if you have girl children. If you have boy children, their range is woefully inadequate: usually shitloads of Thomas merchandise with maybe the occasional Bob The Builder and whoever the male equivalent of Dora The Explorer is.

That’s another point: I wonder how far removed ‘licenced’ clothes (e.g. Thomas, Dora etc) is from the boganity that is designer labels for youngsters? I’m guessing they might be a little more old school bogan than NaB, but there is still a bogan element to it.

22 02 2010
Jaiydein

“…whoever the male equivalent of Dora The Explorer is. ”

http://www.nickjr.com/go-diego-go/

Jaiydein jr loves Diego!

22 02 2010
caracal1788

You’re dead right about the girl thing – I naively thought things were just fine until I decided to buy some clothes for my new nephew. I went everywhere looking at the piddly selection. I couldn’t find anywhere that I’d describe as “adequate” for boy’s clothing, especially if you have the same aversion to skulls & crossbones and witty logos about how tough they are as do I.

Yes to the licenced thing, too – but I don’t regard them as clothes, just companies wanting to put their advertising on my kids at my expense. At least Target puts all their licenced clothing down one end, so I don’t even have to look at it.

22 02 2010
Faux-Gan

I still buy my clothes from Target and Kmart – they do very reasonably priced Flannies and King-Gee shorts

22 02 2010
berihebi

You kidding? Their flannies are a rip off!

22 02 2010
Faux-Gan

Not at the beginning of summer they ain’t! you got to plan ahead man, think outside the check-pattern.

22 02 2010
pominoz

Wish I had started up one of those designer kidswear lines. Fleecing stupid parents out of huge amounts of money so they can dress their child in some ‘named’ clothes. Its not only the Bogans who fall for this either. Plenty of Mosman types fall for it.

22 02 2010
MillersEdge

On the weekend after revising most of the entries i became really sad about the future of this country. We really are screwed when their are thousands of bogans multiplying and creating a whole new range of things to be marketed too.

I am so sad..i really am. 😦

22 02 2010
Going bogue

Thousands? You clearly misunderestimate the prevalence of the bogan in this country.

22 02 2010
AlyssaKT

perhaps MillersEdge meant “thousands of bogans multiplying per second”?

22 02 2010
Robbie

such a funny post today TBL!
I was in the city yesterday (Sydney) and saw a bogan couple with 2 little bogettes..the mother and elder daughter (about 6y/o) were wearing matching outfits and the father had on an Ed Hardy singlet. As they were walking past me, I think the mother bogue must have accidently walked in front of the male bogue and the next thing you hear is the male bogue screaming “for facks sake, move ur fat arse ya dumb cunt”…such charm and style the little ones will pick up…especially as the Dad is decked out in designer EH.

5 03 2010
sha

Ferals in the making maybe? One step down from a bogan is definitely a feral.The male feral next door says that to his 3 young children on an hourly basis.

22 02 2010
Korubell

Wait… what?… they’re breeding?

22 02 2010
23 02 2010
Korubell

Okay, well she’s clearly not a very good bogue. At 39 she should be seeing her grandkids off to TAFE, rather than leaving her own kids in a car, surely.

And just what is it with ‘Ponds’ placenames? What FITH moron came up with that? One gets an impression of Australia as little more than a giant swamp.

22 02 2010
Muz

Rhylee!!!!!!!!! Friggin hell!

See earlier post on misspelt children’s names.

22 02 2010
Ironhalo

I hope Loftie for the sake of humanity amd all that is holy under heaven, that your child is not named Rhylee. Name yes, spelling no.

22 02 2010
Loftie

Sadly – it is…

It matches the tattoo on my chest…

22 02 2010
Robbie

mmmm….where’s Fiona today??

22 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Right here. This particular entry is one that is even more irrelevant to me than the usual fare served up by TBL.

22 02 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

So why bother replying.

Still thought you would be in hiding after revealing to the blog that your parents were bogan 🙂

22 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Because I was replying to specific question ABOUT me, genius! *eyeroll*

22 02 2010
brad

you may want too rethink your stance and produce some progeny(how ever which way you wish of course) lest your very happy nephew will end up with your “estate’ and blow it on extravagant nightclub openings and fashion shows-you cant take it with you lady

23 03 2011
dom

Whoever wrote this article has severly missed the point and clearly doesn’t understand what the word bogan even means.

Whoever. Severely. Whoever wrote this article has severely missed the point. TBL

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