As we have already established, the SMS has been a wildly successful exercise in creating “perceived value” of a service in the eyes of the bogan, while not actually costing the phone companies a damn thing. This magical cash fabrication process is commonly referred to as marketing genius. Not content to only exploit the bogan in this way, telecommunications overlords realised that this rort could be taken so, so much further.
A marketing manager for a digital media company was walking through a megamall one day, and was struck by the amount of loitering teenaged bogan clusters. Being a marketer, he wanted to know what they were up to. Sidling past groups of them at a distance close enough to hear, but not so close as to be labeled a sex offender, he listened to their verbalisations.
“Ha suck shit, your phone has the shittest ringtones ay”…
“Oh totally, like, I wonder if he’s my perfect match or not. Ohmygod.”…
“As if anyone even knows the answer to that hard question, fag”
The marketing manager, who was previously walking on a tiled foodcourt floor, felt his feet leave the ground. Soon he was walking through the clouds, and the clouds were lined with other littler clouds, which were in turn lined with millions and millions of $5 notes. He rushed back to the office to tell his boss. “I think we can make bogans pay for ANYTHING over the phone”. “What?” said the suspicious employer. “Well, we can make a random number generator from two lines of computer coding, and sell each random number to bogans thousands of times for $5 as a love match calculator. Then we can pay a music student $200 to make a gimmicky 10 second tune, and sell it to 50,000 bogans for $5 each as a ringtone. Then we can pay a uni student to provide inane and vague answers to the bogan’s inane and vague questions about its life for $3.50 per message, about 5 times per day. Then we’ll just spam them with ‘opt out’ stuff that they have to pay for each time.” “Commence your evil ploy at once”, said the boss.
And he did. Twelve months later, our ambitious young marketing executive was driving a Porsche, luring bogan females with his new bling. Meanwhile, phone bills for thousands of dollars were landing in bogan letterboxes nationwide. Bogan parents were outraged, complaining en masse to Today Tonight about their kids getting ripped off, and nodding approvingly at the resulting story from their interest free lounge suite. In a moment of despair, the same bogan teen cluster observed in the shopping centre consulted their favourite $3.50 per message “answer any question” service: “Dear Bongo, how r me n Tyleesha going 2 afford 2 pay our bills this month lol?!?”