#87 – La Porchetta’s

17 02 2010

Pasta is an excellent, excellent food. The bogan knows this – hell, everyone knows this. But for the bogan, it is extraordinary. It can be purchased at low cost. There are dozens of varieties of pasta and pasta sauce that can be purchased for around $4.50 from the local Coles. For the bogan male, it is incredibly high in carbs, which is perfect for their ‘carbo-loading’ regime they require before they spend 3 ½ hours the next day focusing solely on their biceps. For the female bogan, who conveniently ignores the presence of this fearsome pile of carbohydrates, it is flavoursome and can be cooked in around 15 minutes, while offering the appearance of gourmet cooking, merely by placing a couple of pieces of parsley on top of the Barilla pasta and Dolmio sauce.

But the bogan, when presented with a shortcut, cannot resist. Restaurants have arisen, and been embraced with the ferocity of semi-formed bogan teens at the opening of the latest Supre superstore. These restaurants have successfully targeted precisely the appropriate bogan pleasure zones to elicit a mass spending response. La Porchetta’s (and its ‘gourmet’ cousin, Sofia) have emerged in fully-formed bogan form, popping up at dozens of locations near to bogan nesting and activity zones. While bogans love rhyming in their products, they do not ask for “cheddars on their Porchetta’s”, instead demanding that their Porchetta’s be concreted with a 6mm thick parmesan layer.

Most restaurants start small, looking to make nice food, and slowly build a following. When it becomes clear that bogans enjoy fast food, but like it even more when it is in the guise of full-service dining, the race to the bottom tends to begin. Not for La Porchetta’s. They saw the bottom and honed in on it like a Predator drone on a Pashtun wedding party. La Porchetta’s is cheap (tick), fast (tick), is franchise branded to enable the discerning bogan to trust it (tick), gives the imprimatur of fine dining (i.e. it has table service. Tick), and offers a mass-produced, tasteless version of international cuisine (tick).

The bogan also likes big things taken to the x-treme. La Porchetta’s know this. Hence the unwitting bogan will arrive at the restaurant looking for a solid feed. It will, naively, order the main course-size ravioli bolognese. Four minutes and seventeen seconds later, a waitress emerges, groaning under the weight of carrying the bogan’s three-kilogram heaping of flour, water, tomato and beef mince. The bogan is thrilled. One mountainous helping of gelato later, they are ready to leave. As they do, the male bogan cannot help himself. He turns to his lady, chuckles and says “I feel like a Dolmio grin”…

A fairy dies.


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198 responses

17 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I’ve never even heard of this place. Chef would kill me if I suggested eating out there.

17 02 2010
Benjamin

You allow your servants to dictate your behaviour?

Oh dear!

17 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Only Chef. He’s rather temperamental. And his culinary skills dictate I give him a little more leeway than the rest of the household staff.

17 02 2010
Benjamin

A slippery slope.

17 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. True, but I keep a firm but benevolent hand on the rest.

22 02 2010
big_fat_floppy_juloppies

FULL OF IT

17 02 2010
Going bogue

But there’s a La Porchetta on Toorak Rd!

17 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Good Lord, is there really? I’ll keep my eye out for it. What does it look like?

17 02 2010
Ads

Never fear Fiona, for I am of Italian descent. When we get married I will make you only the finest traditional calabrese recipes.

Thankfully, I myself have never seen La porchetta but i’ll keep an eye out for it and its clientele the next time in in Freo. Our equivalent here in the wild west would probably be ‘House of Pasta’. Classy stuff.

17 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. a), we’re not getting married and b), even if we did, I’d insist on keeping Chef on staff.

17 02 2010
Ads

Oh Fiona, why must you break my heart so?

17 02 2010
Nat

Ads, there is a La Porcetta near the Hoyts in Freo. I had the misfortune of going there for a birthday dinner once…

17 02 2010
Ads

Haha, I’ll be sure to avoid it! Now I’m gonna live in fear whenever someone organises an evening or night out in Freo.

17 02 2010
brad

and a Sofias on Bourke Rd Camberwell you must of passed it while shopping out in the burbs

18 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. “… must of…”. The use of “of” for “have” is the single most telling hallmark of the bogan.

18 02 2010
Sam

Picking on Brad for poor grammar is like picking on James Hunter for poor grammar…done to death and a waste of time.

They both come up with some decent insights which can usually be deciphered from their text. Insightful people with poor spelling and grammar are much more interesting than stupid people who bother to proof read their pathetic posts.

18 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. And certainly more interesting than people who complain about people who complain.

19 02 2010
brad

ill learn me spelling and stuff one day guys

31 01 2015
Jesse Cohen

You can’t have it both ways. If people are Bogan for supposedly misspelling children’s names then others who can’t spell are bogan too. To claim otherwise is hypocrisy, right?

23 04 2010
big_fat_floppy_juloppies

We need a “people who have grandiose personal myths” on the bogan list…..or psychiatric list

17 02 2010
Harold Holt's Floaties

quality – the last 2 sentences of this post made me almost laugh a mouthful of tea over my monitor

17 02 2010
Tubesteak

I have never heard of this place.

However, my understanding of a guy looking at his other half and talking about a “Dolmio grin” probably does mean exactly what you intended it to imply.

That is disturbing, but brilliantly worked in there

17 02 2010
CarbonDogg

Well done TBL! I’d never heard of this place either, but was just saying to someone the other day how odd it was that no one was capturing the pseudo-classy table service mall restaurant market in Australia to serve local bogues the way their American cousins have been enjoying for years. This looks like a dumbed-down — if that’s possible — version of the Olive Garden, so clearly someone’s been thinking the same thing.

21 02 2010
caracal1788

I thought everyone had heard of them – now!

The weird thing is, the original single restaurant in Rathdowne Street in Melbourne was wildly popular with the inner-city cool set in the ’80s (yes, I am that old) and it had a great atmosphere and was extremely cheap.

The came the franchises… Just another reason why the current manifesto is so painful for those that remember.

11 02 2011
Louise

And they would deliver if you lived nearby, were a regular, and were too inebriated (or whatever) to get your pizza yourself :p :p :p

17 02 2010
Storbz

Oh this one is right on the money. Good call, TBL.

We don’t have La Porchetta’s in A-Town, but this chain of appalling “Italian” restaurants called Primo’s. Their food is cheap, bland and tasteless; the restaurant itself is commonly attached to the Westfield Shopping Centre (allowing the bogan to feel smugly superior to those eating in the food court), and is staffed exclusively by 20-something semi-attractive bogans with no food service skills whatsoever. I have eaten there once, and regretted it.

Oh, and the best bit? They saturate prime time TV with a commercial featuring an Italian Gen Y saying the ridiculous slogan: “It’s pretty good, eh…!”. Ugh.

Indeed. This entire post really could subsitute any number of state-based pasta chains for ‘Porky’s’, as it’s affectionately titled among Melbogans. The facts remain unchanged. TBL

17 02 2010
Tone

Yep, Caffe Primo is the Adelbogue equivalent.

And yes, those ads with that wogan telling us that the meals cost ‘$11.90 … pretty good eh!’ shits me, too. I swear those ads cost less than $11.90 to make.

17 02 2010
Storbz

Notice how they started at $8.90, then $9.90, now it’s $12.90…all for the same mass-produced crap. It’s lured the bogans in, so now they can flog off their so-called surf n turf (with crayfish, no less! Classy!) for $30.

But credit where credit is due, they’ve hit the bogan hot-buttons: cheap, fast and a menu featuring chicken parmi.

17 02 2010
James

I thought crayfish lived in fresh water, not the sea. Or was that your point?

17 02 2010
Simon

James, in WA lobster are called crayfish, same thing and live in the sea. Yabbies, Marron etc are freshwater.

17 02 2010
James

Ah – thanks Simon. I learn so much from this blog.

17 02 2010
Simon

My pleasure.

17 02 2010
Sten

Hahaha… I was wondering when we’d get a referrence to the venerable Parma.

17 02 2010
brad

fasta pasta-food just as bad ,but in sparrow like portions,a must eat for the femme bogue watchin her waistline

17 02 2010
CarbonDogg

Oh my. I’ve just been looking at their menu … what a disaster. Alright, that does it. I propose a TBL meet-up at the Blacktown La Porchetta!

17 02 2010
Kaiks

No mention of the bogan referring to La Porchetta affectionately as Porkies?

17 02 2010
Sarah

Never heard of it, but the Predator drone line was gold.

Found: http://www.laporchetta.com.au/home/

17 02 2010
Ethan

It makes me wonder how much food is left over at the end of business each day, the remainders ending up in landfill. What a waste!

A fairy dies…

17 02 2010
Kaiks

A workmate told me that the staff at Sofia in Camberwell used to scrape the leftover pasta back into the huge pot so they could re-serve it.
I didn’t believe him but he seemed pretty sincere, he grew up in Camberwell and said it was common knowledge.

17 02 2010
Ethan

Oh my god, that is awful!
It sounds like such a far fetched story, but part of me can cringe and believe it to be true.
So, does that mean that the big pot full of pasta and sauce gets increasingly more potent in powdered parmesan cheese, each time a plate comes back into the kitchen?

17 02 2010
Benny Hill

Similar to the ‘Specials’ board at a restaurant isn’t it? To get rid of the stuff that’s going off?

17 02 2010
Nelson Esq

Sofia’s was closed down for a short time a few years ago because several people suffered from food poisoning / salmonella (sp?) after dining there. Not sure if it was from the pasta or the horrible fake ham they put on the pizzas. It must be true, because I think I saw it on ACA.

17 02 2010
j-ho

The fake ham you refer to is known as ‘shredded cotto’

17 02 2010
reparty

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, love it. Epic bogan re-naming.

17 02 2010
brad

the wogan staff have also been known too be quite hands on with the younger female patronage-wife calls it creepy sofias

18 02 2010
FT

Kaiks, I’m pretty sure I remember eating at Sofias in Camberwell once, many many years ago after spending a Sunday arvo drinking with friends at a nearby pub. This was at least 10yrs ago, and it was mentioned back then that the staff scraped the leftovers back into the pot. For that reason, we made sure we all ordered pizzas instead of pasta, but we were still all sick afterwards.

20 02 2010
Si

I have had the misfortune of eating at Porkies twice. Both times it was a work lunch, so I had to gird both loins and intestinal tract and tag along. Now, these were TWO different locations, a couple of years apart. Both times, I thought “I’ll go with a VERY basic pizza, no way I’ll get sick.” So I got a Margarita pizza, both times. And I still got sick – each time. From pizza dough, tomato sauce, cheese and herbs. How is that even possible? It takes effort and committment to be that shonky!

11 02 2011
Louise

They’re a cheap restaurant. I worked at a franchise restaurant 22 years ago, and whole meals were regularly sent back. So, they were kept, microwaved, and sent out to the next person who ordered that meal……

17 02 2010
Simon

It would make good landfill because it is unlikely to decompose.

17 02 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

Doesn’t the name mean fat pig in Italian?

Really it is cheap and nasty, but if you have two teenage kids it is not even cheap (at least $70). The food is passable, however the clientelle is usually appalling.

Last time we frequented our local fat pig a group of bogans with their feral kids made an absolute mess of the table next to us, allowed their toddler boge to tear the complimentry bread rolls into pieces and throw it all over the floor, allowed their five year olds to run about screaming knocking over their meals and grinding fat drenched french fries into the carpet, and the adults left food strewn all over the table.

IT took three waitresses to clean it up and about 10 minutes. My wife asked one of them if this was a usual occurance. She said that it happens all the time. The bogan family comes in, orders mountains of food, distributes all over the table and surrounding floor space, and then ups and leaves without even a bye your leave, and with no thought to anybody who wants to use the table after them.

Typically indulgent, selfish, slovenly, and ignorant bogans.

17 02 2010
Loftie

La Porchetta = The Roast Pig….

17 02 2010
Kaiks

Is roast pig or pork on the menu at all?

17 02 2010
Nelson Esq

The ‘etta at the end of Porch makes it mean ‘Little Pig’.

17 02 2010
Sten

Oh… so they named the chain after their prospective clientele?

Seriously, we had one of these in the far north of Sydney a few years ago. I took one look at the corpulent, gurning, toga-wearing mascot and thought “It’ll be a cold day in hell before I eat there… I’d rather pig sphincters wrapped in barbed wire than eat at that dump.”

Maybe three months later, the place closed down. Apparently people had gotten sick. Sadly missed.

17 02 2010
James

Sounds like a Bogan family visiting Sizzler up in QLD. I saw a family leave a table that was so dirty, there was food in almost every conceivable place in and surrounding the area.

Pathetic. No respect at all.

17 02 2010
Loftie

Unofficially – in the western suburbs of Melbourne… there are food eating competitions held at such places…
Always at a fast food outlet, varying from KFC, Maccas, ‘Jacks, LaPorchetta, anywhere were you may be served a mountain or multiple items…
Maccas = the 20 nugget challenge (fastest to finish all 20 nuggets wins)
KFC = 10 piece frenzy (fastest to finish all 10 pieces of chicken wins)
HJacks = Cheeseburger Chomp (order 6 cheeseburgers, get thru em)
Porchetta = Basketti Spaghetti (order a main spaghetti, first to finish)

There is more – I just can’t think of them right now… There’s another one with the ‘all you can eat’ nachos from Taco Bill but I can’t think of it…

In fact – there is another TBL entry right there… ‘all you can eat buffet’ like Smorgy’s, Sizzler, and so on…. Bogans love that stuff…

17 02 2010
James

Whenever we let out daughter choose where we eat out, she (being six) chooses a vaguely Asian-themed all-you-can-eat joint, because, in her words, “I can eat only chips for dinner, and then have three lots of ice cream”. Pretty painful for mum and I, but we suck it up on the back of the knowledge that next time it will be our choice. And believe me, those places are full of bogans. It always makes a me little sad for some reason, and I walk away feeling a touch empty. I’ve never quite worked out why, but I think it stems from noticing the kind of people I am surrounded by. I feel a little sad thinking about it now, actually.

17 02 2010
Simon

James,

I was lucky as a child as my parents refused to take us to any of these places and we are better for that although I do remember going to pizza hut but this was in the 80’s. I get the same feeling you do when forced into a place packed with bogues eg a shopping centre, Port Adelaide footy game etc. Another fairy dies and a feeling of despair creeps in that takes a while to get rid of, a good glass of red helps though.

17 02 2010
Kaiks

When I’d go to buffet as a child, it was my mother’s rule that my siblings and I would eat a dish from each of the soup, salad and pasta bars before we were allowed to help ourselves to multiple desserts. My mother always set her own standards and never listened to our complaints that “the other kids’ parents let them”.

17 02 2010
Simon

If you can’t eat your mains you can’t eat sweets was a constant refrain. And this meant broccoli and all. My sister used to throw brilliant turns over having to eat greens and I sometimes think my mum did it for her own amusement. The other kids argument never worked for us either but somehow I don’t think we missed out at all, infact we are all fine examples of notbogues.

17 02 2010
James

Funny thing is Kaiks, my daughter always justifies her choice of restaurant that way, but never seems to carry it through. Usually she ends up eating pasta, rice, maybe one serve of chips, and then a bowl of ice cream that she never finishes. You won’t hear me complain though – in so many ways, she is far too good for her parents.

17 02 2010
Simon

I love a happy ending. Seriously.

17 02 2010
Kat

Most teenagers are bogan. I remember going to Sizzler’s or Smorgy’s or something like it with two male bogan friends who were 19 at the time. They ate something like 5 heaped plates of food, then went to the toilet, vomited, and came out to eat more. It was astonishing.

Children of really tasteless bogans are very scary.

17 02 2010
Sten

Hahahahaha… that’s GOT to be some kind of eating disorder, almost like bulimia with the objective being another binge. Truly, this behaviour astonishes me.

17 02 2010
pulang

bogan teenagers will also be hiding tupperware/plastic containers in their bags, into which they fill items from the dessert section, to be consumed later… ‘stealing’ stuff that’s not nailed down (barmats, street signs, extra dessert) is a bogan passtime.

8 03 2010
Chuck

Bogan? Or poor students? I’ve definitely been there, done that during my university times.

11 02 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

Guilty as charged.

17 02 2010
brad

“in the western suburbs of Melbourne”-a new challenge could be at an Indian restaurant, for every extra strength vindaloo consumed you get too bash one of the staff!

17 02 2010
Peter

One of La Porchetta’s several claims to fame is: “Our meals taste better because we use fresh ingredients. La Porchetta’s tomato sauce is made fresh daily from sun-drenched tomatoes grown in the rich fertile soils of Italy”.

I’m not Einstein, but from that I interpret ‘fresh’ as the food they’re using hasn’t been canned (or frozen, dried etc). Either the good folk at La Porchetta are air freighting just picked toms from Italy on what must be almost a daily basis or they’re telling porkies – or porchies…

Anyway, the Sydney branch is located at Blacktown. I’ve not been nor will I go.

17 02 2010
Kylie

I know that their tomatoes aren’t grown in the “rich fertile soil of Italy” like it says on the box because I knew someone who worked for a hydoponic tomato farm in West Gippsland and the local La Porchetta had a standing order with them.

17 02 2010
reparty

Not to mention that the rich fertile soils around Naples have been poisoned for years by mafia dumping of toxic waste. But that kind of takes away from the romance.

27 08 2014
Bob

Bingo, that’s why the imported Italian tomato cans in supermarket are so much cheaper than the SPC canned stuff grown here. It’s dumped on international market as is widely known that through 70 & 80’s mafia controlled rubbish contractors dumped illegal chemicals from manufacturing in big holes wherever they could across Italy – old mines, old farms etc. The same contractors also used civil war strewn Somalia in 80’s to dump barge loads of toxic waste off the coastline, decimating the local fishing dependent economy – hence the boom in piracy.

17 02 2010
Apple Pie

” I will have the Bolognese Lorenzo with the Parmarzan Au Sophia…also the Spring Garden Salad with Milan Truffles…..and a glass of your best Chablis, 1990 or 1991 if you have it ”

” Cool….hey….you want fries with that ? “

17 02 2010
Tone

A fair dinkum bellissimo entry from Casa De TBL.

17 02 2010
Storbz

…and it’s made in New South Wales.

17 02 2010
Tone

Champagne comedy!

17 02 2010
Storbz

Hahaha gone are the days of funny Australian sketch comedy.

Makes me so depressed, I might cook up a big plate of Dickhead Tonight for dinner.

17 02 2010
Simon

You can watch Two and a Half Men while you eat that. Very funny Storbz.

17 02 2010
Storbz

No – I could never be so depressed as to watch that show.

But that’s how it starts; first it’s Two and a Half Men, next thing you know you’re watching Wipeout and on the slippery-slope towards voting on Australian Idol.

17 02 2010
Right and proud

In all fairness, something had to fill the massive void left when ‘Big Brother’ was axed.

17 02 2010
Simon

Dickhead Tonight would be appropriate when viewing either after Home and Away has finished.

17 02 2010
Benny Hill

Has TBL done a write up on ‘reality’ shows? I for one like The Hills.

18 02 2010
James

Since the Border Security entry, I have taken to watching these airport themed shows, and they are quite funny. Our favourite part is identifying the bits where the bogan viewers are jumping out of their chairs screaming at the “reffo bastards” for wanting to bring meat products into Australia. As far as I am aware, that is as close as TBL has come to a reality show entry – that and their entry on voting.

8 06 2014
franz chong

Except for Adelaide and Perth that show has ceased to exist.About Time too.If they can ditch Home and Away for good after this year and put on some proven American Sitcoms after the news all the better.

17 02 2010
brad

ha ha gold

17 02 2010
Tone

Feel like something a bit different? How about Grant Spatchcock’s Gourmet Pizza …

17 02 2010
JimmyMac

In Brisbane it’s Fasta Pasta. About 15 years ago I used to think F.P. (and Sizzler, for that matter) was a great place to eat. Now … not so much. Not since I learnt how to make my own pizza dough and pasta from scratch (got a pasta machine for a birthday). Not since I actually went to Italy for a 3 week holiday, where even the cheapest, nastiest pasta and pizza (cooked by Chinese, no less) was better tasting than Fasta Pasta.

TBL, I don’t recall seeing a post from you about Hog’s Breath, or places that sell a 1kg steak…..

17 02 2010
Tone

I think that’s why La Porchetta didn’t infect Adelaide so much: we already have Fasta Pasta and Caffe Primo. There aren’t enough bogans in Adelaide to support a third chain of lowbrow faux-Italian chain restaurants.

17 02 2010
Bogue

Just look what happened to Sizzler as soon as they introduced their special ‘garlic bread’…Lone Star indeed.

8 06 2014
franz chong

It was a short lived Adelaide Experiment that is thankfully gone.This might come as a surprise to some of you but get this They even had one in Dulwich of all places which is supposed to be a classy area.

17 02 2010
j-ho

I worked in La Porchetta during the mid to late 90’s. Oh the stories I have about that place…

17 02 2010
Apple Pie

Hey…anyone recall that story about the Lone Star Steakhouse ?…the young and beautiful asian lady who dined there alone….I used to hear that story everywhere I went a few years back….an Urban Myth, no doubt……sorry….good taste prevents me from telling it here.

17 02 2010
Ethan

Oh go on share it with us. The only poor taste here is what I see in the above photograph; the mountain trio of pasta heaven!

17 02 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

You know the story already – she wakes up with horrible sores around her mouth. Yes, an urban myth. At least 6 different bogans talking about 6 different places have nearly broken down in tears trying to convince me that it is true. Back on topic…

17 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I’m sure snopes would be happy to set the record straight on this one. Another things bogans like – passing on obviously false tall tales.

17 02 2010
brad

sizzler pr at work

17 02 2010
AB

TBL, you forgot to mention the completely bogan (and scary) behaivour of the owner, Rocco. Rocco shot and killed the uncle or father of a female waitress who accused him of sexually assaulting her, after the uncle or father confronted him in one of his stores. He claimed self defence, he got off.

Rocco can often be found at the original Rathdowne St ‘restaurant’ in Nth Carlton, throwing his weight around and admiring the pictures of himself on the walls with various ‘celebrities’. Word to the wise – do not make him angry.

17 02 2010
j-ho

yep in the Niddrie store, he even sent off for the gun as he knew what was coming.

17 02 2010
Nelson Esq

Ahhhh, the Niddrie store…the place is crawling with young wogans. In Summer particularly, you see them dining el fresco on a Friday or Saturday night, drinking Peroni beer, keeping an eye on their doof doofed VL Commodore shitbox blinged with 20 inch chrome wheels which is parked out the front and trying so hard to look cool to all the other wogans who do the Keilor Rd cruise… Very sad.

17 02 2010
17 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Just to change topic slightly (mainly as I can’t contribute much to something I’ve never heard of), but here’s a topic for a (not too distant) future entry: “Temporary Tattoos”.

http://www.redcarpet-fashionawards.com/2010/02/16/runway-to-allan-border-medal-lara-bingle-in-michelle-jank/

What’s interesting about this topic, in my not so humble opinion is that it will by-pass the usual route of “trendsetter -> hipster -> bogue” and simply begin and end with the bogue. Christian Audigier should get in on the act so la femme bogue can co-ordinate her “outfit” with that of her “man” when heading out for an evening of fine dining at La Porchetta, followed up with the inevitable glassing of some poor c*nt.

17 02 2010
Simon

But the Tatts are from Chanel and will go with your No5 Fiona.

However if the Bingle is in on it mass embracing by Femme Bogues is only a step away.

17 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Well, I half agree with you. The latter half.

17 02 2010
Peter

Also very telling at these horrible places is the “concreted with a 6mm thick parmesan layer” style of eating. I love parmesan. The genuine product. I’ll willingly eat many of the several local parmesan styles, but then there’s the MSG ridden yellow powder often mistaken for parmesan. It’s usually seen in chain restaurants and available to caterers in multi-kilo bags. It stinks to high heaven, by which I don’t mean it’s a good stinky cheese stink. It stinks in a bad way. It tastes awfully metallic – and I have tasted it and it was awful – and, typically, ignorant diners (aka boges) will readily shove great heaping spoonfuls of the stuff onto any pasta dish but especially onto any pasta dish with seafood as an ingredient. That’s when the smell becomes very, erm, how did Blanche DuBois describe the smell of cheap perfume: penetrating.

17 02 2010
Kaiks

With a case of political correctness gone mad, we must now call it Parmesan ‘style’ cheese.
Perhaps this example you speak of is the reason the Parmesanians kicked up such a fuss.

17 02 2010
Martz

Well, when you consider the (blessed) cheesemakers have been artfully creating their product for centuries and that it is illegal in Italy to call a cheese “parmigiano” when it’s not from one of the approved regions, it seems fairly legitimate to ask companies producing smelly yellow powder not to capitalise on their good name.

17 02 2010
reparty

Ooof. Was working in Cannon Hill in Brisbane (old school houso bogans), and a couple had started up a deli selling some really good stuff. Then Lavazza took the coffee machine back as they weren’t selling enough. Then came the inevitable get rid of everything before it goes out of date sale. Then they closed own. I felt like a vulture buying stuff so cheap (I had bought a fair bit a full tote). But the poor, dejected, owner (who by this time had the same look of sad, mistrusting despair that the majority of people in that area have), said “I don’t care. I’d rather sell it to you than deal with someone else asking if I have fucking Parmesan in a can. I fucking hate this place.”

17 02 2010
Benny Hill

Not since I moved have I been to La Porchetta’s. Not missing anything by the sounds of it. Fasta Pasta used to be our closest pizza and pasta ‘joint’. Well, Domino’s was closer however I don’t classify that as food. Thank god we have Pizza Capers where I live now.

The Fasta Pasta at Harbour Town on the GC is full of NaB’s. All think they are beer snobs drinking Crown Lager or Peroni with their Gnocchi after they have shopped at the factory outlets (which are usually more expensive than the normal shopping outlet). Oh how I giggle.

17 02 2010
James

“…like a Predator drone on a Pashtun wedding party.” Best line ever.

17 02 2010
Jo

never heard of these franchise fast-food pasta places, but most independently owned pasta restaurants around where I live don’t have pasta over $15 and have particular nights where they can go as low as $7, I guess thats why none of the Pasta franchises opened up where I live because there are already better alternatives.
I’m kind of confused though, would hogs breath, SSS, Lone Star etc fall under this entry? if so then I guess I can grasp what TBL are getting at…although from the looks of the above comments Steak-house franchises would have been a more obvious entry than these Pasta franchises that many of us haven’t heard of. I feel a bit uncomfortable about the fact that bogans have heard about something before I have.

17 02 2010
devil's advocate

I think the distinguishing factor that differentiaties porchetta’s from hog’s breath et al is that the former has pretensions to class and sophistication; the latter embracing wholeheartedly its boganity.

It is the belief that they are patronising a classy, table-service establishment and elevating themselves above other bogues that makes the la porchetta entry compelling. Including steakhouses etc is akin to pointing out that AC/DC is bogan.

18 02 2010
Jo

“Including steakhouses etc is akin to pointing out that AC/DC is bogan.
I see your point.

17 02 2010
Tubesteak

That is my only frame of reference for this topic, too.

No chain pasta stores where I live. Only a chain pizza store. Never heard of these places. Have been to HB and know that it is mostly pre-cooked and reheated

The Italian places near me are family-owned and cook their food in the same way that places in Italy do…… In a microwave (excluding the very upmarket Italian eateries, of course, but I’m too tight to pay rental for utensils and table)

17 02 2010
WordNerd

I think La Porchetta pales in comparison to the sheer voluminous bogan magnitude of the Hog’s Breath Cafe.

There’s three words one never usually associates with fine dining.

17 02 2010
James

My bogan sister in law thinks Hog’s Breath is pretty upmarket.

17 02 2010
Ethan

True; the three words I generally associate with fine dining are: pretentious, meager and exorbitant.
Don’t mistake me, I appreciate fine dining and quality food and I detest poor quality food, but fine dining restaurants leave me feeling a little cold, unloved and unsatisfied. Ooh another three words; I should have said six before!

17 02 2010
Simon

What “Sheer Voluminous Bogan”.

That’s what you see walk out of these places after a 1kg steak and sweets.

17 02 2010
dazz

Have to agree on Hogs Breath, my what an institution.. kids eat free.. but you just paid 25bucks for a cheap piece of meat tarted up with char lines and cut to resemble a real steak…. but they do have customised number plates glued to the wall.

17 02 2010
Benny Hill

Hogs Breath has nothing on Hooters, nothing.

17 02 2010
Paul

Were you referring to dried barilla pasta? The kind that should be cooked for significantly less than fifteen minutes – you subtly made a good point there, typical of a bogan to overcook pasta! Bet they don’t put any salt or olive oil in the water either, and just give it taste from X-treme helpings of off-the-shelf sauce.

17 02 2010
Ethan

Italians don’t put olive oil in the water when we cook pasta we only add salt to the water. (Think of Nonna telling you that it has to taste like the Mediterranean Sea)
If you put olive oil in the water then the sauce won’t stick to the pasta when you stir it through. Sorry touchy subject for me LoL.

17 02 2010
Jo

this is true! so many of my friends don’t believe me that your not suppose to put oil in with the pasta water, we all cook a lot of pasta not because we’re bogans but because we’re dirt poor and pasta can be a healthy, fufilling, cheap meal, also a lot of them are vegetarian/vegan and pasta works for that too.

17 02 2010
Simon

Yep, no oil just salt.

17 02 2010
brad

put the olive oil in a small pot,add italian dressing,garlic,spice rack(oregano,marjoram,ect),butter,dash of hot english mustard and heat at full strength,but dont caramalise-pour on cooling down pasta ,adds alot of flavour too the pasta leave the meat untouched

17 02 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

The oil will stop the water from boiling over though.

17 02 2010
Simon of South Yarra

Thank you, Ethan – you are correct. No self-respecting pasta preparer would ever put oil in the water.

17 02 2010
Paul

hehe it’s a lineball call for me, I find it helps prevent the pasta sticking together 🙂

17 02 2010
Ethan

Hey Paul,

Traditionally when making pasta dishes, as soon as the pasta reaches the stage just before al dente you take it out; drain it, then stir it immediately through your sauce. If you find that your pasta sauce has thickened too much during the cooking process, we generally use a little bit of the pasta water to lighten it up again, so be sure you reserve some when you strain the pasta. You will find that the pasta won’t stick together and also it will finish cooking just that fraction more to perfection.
Also with some pasta dishes you can actually cook the pasta in the sauce itself, quite yummy indeed.

17 02 2010
Martz

Use a bigger pot – the pasta won’t stick if it has room to move. Also, give it a stir once the water has come back to the boil and keep an eye on it for signs of clumping. Don’t be afraid to move the pasta around (unlike rice). As for it boiling over, maybe try turning it down a notch – the water doesn’t need to be bubbling like a (corner) spa on Valentine’s Day. In fact, that can often lead to the pasta breaking up, which releases more starch, and then you get that awful cappuccino-esque foam that goes over the sides and takes forever to clean up!

17 02 2010
Paul

thanks folks! much appreciated 🙂

17 02 2010
brad

your poor Nonna must weep when she sees how such a masterful culinary tradition has been prostituted-serious

17 02 2010
Eh.

Being on the bottom end of the poverty scale on occassions, I admit to buying a $1 bag of pasta, and a $2.50 bottle of Dolmio sauce, and maybe some mushrooms – this fed me and my partner. It was horrible. I will never do it again, because it’s shameful.

17 02 2010
Simon

The following quote is from Hot Chicks with Douchebags and if you simply edit in Bogan it is a stunning distillation of all that we have been discussing here over the last few months. Thoughts?

“In our media saturated age, we turn bodies into billboard. We brand ourselves with tattoos, piercings and designer clothing to enter the endless ADHD competition to hold an attention suffering from eternal distraction.

The douche is simply one who self-brands through the corporate culture of logo. The hott cannot rise out of the framework to regain control of her buying impulses. For she has already been indoctrinated through a lifetime of advertisement-triggered purchasing instincts. And thus, she seeks the peen attached to the product she’s told she wants every day through the cacophonous corporate shock doctrine.”

17 02 2010
B. Oganspotter

I think Adelaide only has one La Porchetta, but heaps of Fasta Pasta, and Caffe Primo. Primo started out the cheap cafe for the bogan with a three price structure, 9.95, 12.95 and 15.95. It was HUGE. Primo saw all the customers and used this to their advantage, and changed the pricing structure to the standard cafe pricing. But then people went back to Pizza Hut and other fast food outlets. They are now only in a handful of bogan areas, however a few remain in the upmarket areas where people will aknowledge Primo for what it is & was, and can ingorne that for an hour before they see a movie.

8 02 2013
franz chong

Not anymore.They used to get this have one at Dulwich of all places which if coming from the City Side of Greenhill Rd is on the way to Burnside Village which I found was rather strange on the old Pizza Hut Restaurant Site(They moved it later to Linden Park before it shut and got turned into something else).I live in a Predominantly Italian Area of Adelaide and we also have some Independent Pizza Stores,A Couple of Pizza Hut’s and a Marcellina and this is in a part of town where houses start from 400,000 dollars.I used to be a regular at Primo as it was a Church Sunday Night hangout for a meal afterwards place most weeks a long time ago.

17 02 2010
Death Squad

The Hooters in Cronulla closed due to lack of business and the site is still vacant. Perhaps an opportunity exists for La Porkies to move to Sydney’s Bogan Central?

17 02 2010
nathan

Correction. The 3kg of main course-size ravioli bolognese is at Sofia’s. La Porchetta do the sneaky and the entree and main have almost the same amount of food. Only difference is plate size.

You may as well add that we bogans do enjoy inviting friends to Sofia’s for the pure joy of watching them order the mains and see their reaction at the sheer quantity of the food that comes out. Sofia’s = quantity over quality.

17 02 2010
Going bogue

Sofia’s is full of Asian international students who go for a meal and leave with a week’s worth of dinner.

17 02 2010
lauren

Years ago I was dragged to a farewell at the La Porchetta in Parramatta, and I think it was actually an old church…. so it was kinda sacreligious at the same time as being God awful…
This topic reminds me of the article I read today stating that Domino’s profits are 8 million above what they expected thanks to the iPhone app, the new super sammiches and the biggest loser pizzas and all I could do was shudder at the utter Boganity of it all…

17 02 2010
reparty

On the whole Primo/Fasta Pasta thing. On my many trips back to Adelaide to see the fam, I’ve been dragged to several establishments in Norwood and surrounds that have worse food at a more expensive price. My mother’s parents (ye olde schoole vege garden and chook shed wogs) used to react in horror when I’d go out for coffee or something to eat down The Parade. The refrain of “We’ve got food here. Why pay for coffee?” I always put down to the fact that they were cheap. But no, I think it was because they knew IT WAS SHIT. Meanwhile, luxury car driving cafe owner laughs all the way to the bank, having paid for the car with the profits of his shredded cotto.

17 02 2010
Storbz

That is so true, reparty – particularly at one establishment on The Parade which shall remain nameless. The owner pretty much used stand-over tactics to get us to order, eat and get out; I would have felt more comfortable in a Crows guernsey at the Alberton Hotel than in there that night.

22 02 2010
caracal1788

Awww – I have fond memories of The Parade from my time in Norwood – it must have changed. I’d better stay in Melbourne, then, where I at least know which places to avoid.

17 02 2010
JP da BM

and what a pig-ugly website to boot (laporchetta.com.au)

17 02 2010
BloodyHeel

There seems to be many located in Regional Victoria …. hmmm Interesting.

17 02 2010
LP

I love the fact that La Porchetta is very Melbourne/Victoria centred restaurant, and that Melbourne loves to brag about their good quality coffees, restaurants, etc… (I would say bogans love to brag about anything actually, specially how their cities are better than another)… Anyway, I guess other places in Australia have their share of cheap Italian restaurants too.

18 02 2010
Rob

LOL. On that note, if you’ve got a few minutes give this a read; Tony Martin argues why Melbourne is not the City of Literature but the City of Bogans:

http://thescrivenersfancy.com/scarcely-relevant/2009/10/21/books-or-bogans.aspx

The highlight, by far:

“True story: A couple of years ago, I’m in Readings in St Kilda – when it used to be Cosmos – browsing foppishly on a quiet Saturday afternoon – because it’s always quiet in a bookshop – and there’s this couple, swathed in football-related clothing, each with a baby in a pouch on their front, and the woman has suddenly shouted – loudly, shockingly – across the shop to the bloke:

‘Damian, come over here! I have found a book that is better than The Da Vinci Code!’

He’s come shuffling over, going, ‘Bullshit! There is no book – no book – that is better than The Da Vinci Code!’

And she’s said, ‘Well, look at this – The *Illustrated* Da Vinci Code!’

And he’s looked at it, for five minutes, just turning it over in his hands, going, ‘Fuck me, this *is* better…cos they’ve done pictures of everything.’

Those are the people who should’ve been in that picture in the paper for ‘Melbourne: City of Literature’.”

17 02 2010
17 02 2010
Simon

Brilliant, who said league players conform to a stereotype!

17 02 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

Oh the dripping irony

Justify Your Existance” tattooed across chest

It took two weeks before he noticed mistake

Oh the humanity.

17 02 2010
Kat

Cripes. Even if it was spelt correctly – why do so many people get such shite tattoos?

17 02 2010
Simon

Yee har, let’s all look different together. Kat it is because they are dropkicks with no more imagination than to get their body scribbled all over to prove how cool they are. Surely us non tatts must be the cool ones now?

17 02 2010
Simon

Storbz,

Out with it, I need to know where to avoid. Thanks. Personally Bravo and The European are ordinary, liked Manto’s but they are closed now.

22 02 2010
caracal1788

Oh, phew. Manto’s was the place I was thinking of when I replied to Storbz’s comment above.

17 02 2010
reparty

Worst breakfast ever at Bravo, or Barfo as my ex-wife called it. There’s one place, Mamma Rosa’s (?) next to Norwood Oval that was atrocious and expensive. Buongiorno’s always good at night to see the wogan’s showing off the Kappa. Broke my heart when Sam’s went out of business and had to walk down to Yanni’s for my fix of yiros. Norwood sucks now. Has sucked ever since they got rid of the pie cart. Don’t get me started on the pubs.

17 02 2010
Storbz

reparty, as far as I’m concerned the only place for yiros in Adelaide is Yianni’s on Hindley St.

17 02 2010
reparty

Aaaah, Hindley Street. Nothing like working at the Park Royal (Holiday Inn now?) and finishing at some ungodly hour. One personal fave night was the wedding where the couple met at some dump of a place across the road (can’t remember what it was called, was similar to Rio’s) and wow. Boagan Factor 30++.

17 02 2010
Simon

Hindley St is scary in the daylight, have not been there after dark for many years. Being nearly 40 it is probably not the place for me anymore.

22 02 2010
caracal1788

Makis Yiros in Glenelg was (is?) superb, so long as you’re not looking for decor. It was always too far for our Adelaide friends to go though – they used to ask us if we were staying overnight when we popped down there for dinner.

17 02 2010
reparty

Sorry, when Sam got smart and sold to people who couldn’t operate a business, let alone make a yiros from what I was told.

17 02 2010
T-Mac

Firstly, I’m surprised that there’s almost 100 comments…and they’re all about either the subject or Hogs Breath, and none of them have been about Fiona’s true identity.

Second, I’m ashamed to admit that I like both La Porchetta and Hog’s Breath…but I hate almost everything else that’s been a subject here (except Vitamin Water and Twenty20 cricket)…does that make me bogan?

17 02 2010
Simon

Yep.

But just a little bit. We all have some in us somewhere. Except Fiona?

17 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Because everyone knows I’m real, that’s why.

Also, I have been to a Hog’s Breath Cafe myself – in Key West of course, so it’s not boganish at all.

17 02 2010
Simon

Sorry amend that, even Fiona has Bogan in her, Hog’s breath forsooth.

17 02 2010
Nelson Esq

Oh Fiona! You actually went to a Hogs Breath Cafe? Did you wear a disguise? Did Chef berate you about what you would be doing to your insides after eating that muck!

Hogs Breath is for bogans, proven by the fact that they advertise to their target market by sticking their logo onto Craig Lowndes’ V8 Supercar!

17 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Well, if it’s any consolation, it WAS in Key West, so I was probably surrounded more by a bunch of rednecks than bogans.

18 02 2010
SD

I would have thought the very use of LOL marks one as a bogan….

18 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Then you’d be wrong, wouldn’t you?

17 02 2010
Storbz

OK. I’m talking about none other than Caffe Buongiorno, that other rubbish Italian food chain we have here. He basically hovered over us with a displeased – nay, almost spiteful – look on his face the whole time, because a) we didn’t immediately order when we were seated, or b) start stuffing our faces the second the food arrived, or c) race out the door as we swallowed our last mouthful.

Seriously, they might as well rename the place Caffe Arrivederci. Never again.

17 02 2010
Simon

Yes, had a beer there the other day and got a worse reaction because of the lack of food order! Cafe Fuckofski.

17 02 2010
Storbz

So nothing’s changed in 12 months then lol

I wouldn’t have dared ask for a jug of water for the table, I might have ended up in the boot of the guy’s Merc.

21 02 2010
reparty

A bit late in the piece I know, but I remember somethiing about the ATO staking out the place from the McCanns paint shop…something about massive tax avoidance and cash in hand payments…..

21 02 2010
Tone

Ah McCann, you’ve done it again!

17 02 2010
Peter

“With a case of political correctness gone mad, we must now call it Parmesan ’style’ cheese.
Perhaps this example you speak of is the reason the Parmesanians kicked up such a fuss.”

Not sure ‘we must’, but I did for ease of communication. I still like the Australian cheeses made along the lines of the parmesan style (although not the horrid canned variety), and I’m still Italian. Perhaps an Italian style Australian…

Sheesh!

17 02 2010
Sten

I believe this is in reference to a possible EU Protected Geographical Status (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Protected_Geographical_Status). My favourite Pommie beer (Newcastle Brown Ale) has one, and I’m sure thousands of other products do too.

I’m no expert, but I believe the purpose of the PGS is to protect the identities of the regions in Europe where these things are made, so discerning customers can pick a “geniune” product rather than a “generic” one.

17 02 2010
Sten

Yep, here we are:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parmigiano-Reggiano

Complete with a photo depicting the vile American-made “Parmesan” in a jar.

17 02 2010
reparty

Two words I’d really like to say to the fuckin idiot bogans who whine about Champagne and other origin controls. UGG. BOOTS. emeber the stink when the Americans trademarked that?

17 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. ❤

17 02 2010
Kaiks

My comment was tongue in cheek. It is a shame that a can of powdered cheese is known as Parmesan cheese while the genuine product is more likely to be considered as ‘loik motsarallah’.

18 02 2010
DP

Blame narky Italian villagers and EU bureaucrats for that PC fiasco. They don’t count as bogans; maybe Eurotrash?

17 02 2010
Chris

There is far worse pizza/pasta franchises around, mainly pinkys pizza in victoria but still the arguement stands.

17 02 2010
Robbie

I don’t think Fiona is a bogan at all but sometimes ventures out to see how the ‘other half’ live 🙂

18 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. That’s actually why I’m here. It’s part of the learning process for me. Sort of like an anthropological study.

17 02 2010
jay

i’m surprised that so many people have visited pochettas. its web site has, inter alia, two very specific warnings about the quality of its products. the first is photos of the food. the second is the description of the frittura mista, ‘…incl. [sic] two pieces of fish, seven calamari rings, four scallops and four prawns’-only a certain type of restaurant uses that level of detail.

17 02 2010
Kaiks

My cousin took me along with her bogan friends once, it didn’t matter how many times I read the menu, it didn’t improve. The same cousin took me out with her friends for Chinese food, my sister and I were the only people who ordered rice with our meal. Beef and black bean with no rice?

‘…seven calamari rings…’ A prime number us bound to cause a verbal scuffle.

17 02 2010
MillersEdge

True story.

I was at a friends place when i was younger and the mother made pasta, left it cooking for 20 mins, then made the table and to my shock and disgust the sauce they were using…a bottle of heinz Big Red. I was so disgusted.

And i made the comment “whats with the sauce bottle” and i got blank looks.

It was a sad day.

18 02 2010
DP

Yes, sad indeed. Rude as a child. And still a supercilious adult.

17 02 2010
Regon

PLEASE, PLEASE TBL writers: it is just too bogue to ‘hone in’ on anything. the rest of us ‘home in’.

18 02 2010
Right and proud

I will admit that I like Hog’d Breath. The numberplates and old Service Station signs adorning the walls are a fair giveaway, as is the fact that their mascot is a bright-pink boar, but if I am out and I want to eat dinner somewhere that is a step up from McDonald’s but not going to cost an awful lot, HB’s is the perfect fit.

I’ve never been fussed with La Porchetta though. Like Guitar Hero and Kings of Leon (noticing a pattern here?) it’s one of those things other people seem to think are great but I can’t see what the appeal is?

18 02 2010
Right and proud

I will admit that I like Hog’s Breath. The numberplates and old Service Station signs adorning the walls are a fair giveaway, as is the fact that their mascot is a bright-pink boar, but if I am out and I want to eat dinner somewhere that is a step up from McDonald’s but not going to cost an awful lot, HB’s is the perfect fit.

I’ve never been fussed with La Porchetta though. Like Guitar Hero and Kings of Leon (noticing a pattern here?) it’s one of those things other people seem to think are great but I can’t see what the appeal is?

18 02 2010
Keeping Kosher Klansman

Ouch. After 86 business days of smug, agile bogue avoidance and a few self-conscious rationalisations, this (g)astronomical revelation has impaled me like a javelin through a haphazard Olympic judge, exposing a penchant that dates back to the days of $5 all-you-can-eat meal deals – Pizza. Good, bad, utterly filthy; it matters little. Although I would draw a line in the dough just this side of Pizza Haven, whose bases could only be described as, uh, vulcanised.

Dammit, wouldn’t know gormay quizine if it lurched over my shoulder and delighted me with its subtle, intrinsically sophisticated aroma.

18 02 2010
Michael of Canberra

There’s no apostrophe-S, but bogans love La Porchetta almost as much as they love “apostrophe-S”.

Michael has successfully deconstructed one of our point’s. TBL

18 02 2010
S-Man

I dined at La Porchetta Parramatta a bit over a decade ago, not long after it first opened. I was a student at the time, making it a financially prudent decision. As mentioned above, it is an old church, which I felt actually gave the place a nice atmosphere, dining in its cavernous interior. What was less beneficial to the overall dining experience was the vast horde of bogan co-diners and the cardboard coated in tomato sauce that was passed off as pasta.

26 03 2010
6 04 2010
Andrew

And the bogues, never ones to just let things go, they have to be x-treme in their grief…

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/graffiti-slurs-mar-funeral-of-pizza-king-rocco-rocky-pantaleo/story-e6frf7jo-1225850469230

17 04 2011
franz chong

They had some of these in Adelaide for a short time but were gone within one or two years.

30 08 2011
magicmunt

What about Dominos? That’s very bogan.

2 09 2012
ItalianBogan

Er….I’m Italian. What’s the apostrophe doing on the end of La Porchetta? La Porchetta’s would denote the restaurant’s ownership of something – or did you mean it to be the plural. If so, call them La Porchetta restaurants, or ristorante….thanks.
By the way, I like lots of stuff on your list…..but not this restaurant chain.
Thanks again.

16 06 2014
martin

I had to put up with this the other day. The restaurant seemed to have some interesting stuff but because I was with such utter bogans we had to have the “set menu”.

So we got served with about 20kg of penne in tomato sauce and some carbonara shit, yeah, like you don’t have those every day, they tasted like they were made by a 12 year old doing home economics, some greasy rissotto, then about 10 pizzas some with tomato sauce on it and some with a few bits of processed meat on it.

So then we all walk out having put on about 5 kg each in about an hour with a culinary experience on par with having picked up a no frills frozen pizza.

This was for a 40th birthday, the idea doing something a bit “special”.

F#cking bogans. I’m trapped.

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