#84 – SMS-Speak

12 02 2010

In da earli dayz of digital mobile telephony, it wuz devised dat lil chunks of data could b regularly transmitted az test signals from phones 2 towers 2 refresh info. An example of this is da “cell info display” fnctn, which tells u what town or suburb ur in @ ne givn time. Cuz these test signals only get fired thru wen there’s spare capacity in da ntwrk, they effectively cre8 no xtra demand or bottlenex.

LOL, OMG, WTF, BRB, IMHO, SUM1, SXE

It wuz also realised in da 90s dat dere might b a commercial application 4 this test signal, in da form of text msgs btwn users. There wuz an engineering limit of 160 characters in da signal, so dat became da size of a text msg. As it turns out, da bogan is deeply in ❤ wit the SMS. Bcuz da bogan rarely has neting subtle or nuanced 2 say, 160 characters is almost always enuf, unless da bogan in question is a 16 yr old girl who enters her illegible stream of consciousness in2 her keypad for mins @ a time.

2MRW, GTG, PMSL, L8R, GR8, TTYL, WKND

Da othr big ting dat bogans hav gained frm SMS, is SMS speak. Tired of bein told dat it cant spell, the bogan has cr8ed an elabor8 system of space saving remixd xtreme words, dat allow it 2 fit more inane babble in2 160 characters. Bcuz all of da words r wrong, da bogan cn project its aptitude for pl@itude as ‘@itude’. These communiqués cre8 a time-consuming and frustr8ing decryption task 4 ne unfortun8 non-bogan recipients.

AFAIK, NE1, PLZ, ROFL, LMAO, 2NITE

In da same way dat a bogan is prone 2 updating its fb status many times per day 2 broadcast da minutiae of its existence, it can bcome hopelessly hooked on SMS. Many bogans will pump out thousands of msgs per month, wit a total amount of substance comparable 2 a piece of navel lint. Globally, 4.1 trillion SMS msgs were sent in 08, billions of these by and 2 bogans. Da phone companies, meanwhile, harvest hundreds of millions of $z from this compulsion. As mentioned earlier, da telco companies need invest in zero additional infrastructure 2 earn mountains of bogan SMS $z. It’s basically a financial colostomy bag, linking da bogan’s phone & wallet pockets, & transmitting da $z back 2 HQ in a packet of test data of 160 digits or less.

ThEn, ThErE r PrEmIuM SMS SeRvIcEs. OMFG.

*UPDATE – English translation for the non-bogan*

In the early days of digital mobile telephony, it was devised that small chunks of data could be regularly transmitted as test signals from phones to towers to refresh information. An example of this is the “cell info display” function, which tells you what town or suburb you’re in at any given time. Because these test signals only get fired through when there’s spare capacity in the network, they effectively create no extra demand or bottlenecks.

Laugh out loud, Oh my god, What the fuck, Be right back, In my humble opinon, Someone, Sexy

It was also realised in the 1990s that there might be a commercial application for this test signal, in the form of text messages between users. There was an engineering limit of 160 characters in the signal, so that became the size of a text message. As it turns out, the bogan is deeply in love the SMS. Because the bogan rarely has anything subtle or nuanced to say, 160 characters is almost always enough, unless the bogan in question is a 16 year old girl who enters her illegible stream of consciousness into her keypad for minutes at a time.

Tomorrow, Got to go, Pissing myself laughing, Later, Great, Talk to you later, Weekend

The other big thing that bogans have gained from SMS, is SMS speak. Tired of being told that it can’t spell, the bogan has created an elaborate system of space saving remixed x-treme words, that allow it to fit more inane babble into 160 characters. Because all of the words are wrong, the bogan can project its aptitude for platitude as ‘attitude’. These communiqués create a time-consuming and frustrating decryption task for any unfortunate non-bogan recipients.

As far as I know, Anyone, Please, Rolling on the floor laughing, Laughing my arse off, Tonight.

In the same way that a bogan is prone to updating its facebook status many times per day to broadcast the minutiae of its existence, it can become hopelessly hooked on SMS. Many bogans will pump out thousands of messages per month, with a total amount of substance comparable to a piece of navel lint. Globally, 4.1 trillion SMS messages were sent in 2008, billions of these by and to bogans. The phone companies, meanwhile, harvest hundreds of millions of dollars from this compulsion. As mentioned earlier, the telco companies need invest in zero additional infrastructure to earn mountains of bogan SMS bucks. It’s basically a financial colostomy bag, linking the bogan’s phone and wallet pockets, and transmitting the dollars back to HQ in a packet of test data of 160 digits or less.

Then, there are premium SMS services. Oh my fucking god.


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201 responses

12 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. OMG.

12 02 2010
Benjamin

A painful read, but wonderful.

5 stars, chaps.

I’d reply in SMS speak, but I’m useless at it. I’d prefer to make a 10 second call than spend a minute or more struggling with my phone to write a legible message.

12 02 2010
Loftie

yeah very difficult to read that one… makes you realise how ANNOYING it is…

my pet hate is the ‘older generation’ (ie:baby boomers) who attempt to talk in that way (speak and sms) its embarrasing…

OMG LOL WTF? BRB…

12 02 2010
Bogue

Yes, thankyou for the translation, I was beginning to develope a headache by the middle of the first paragraph…it may have been due to my brain shrinking.

12 02 2010
JimmyMac

What annoys the F*K out of me is that my mother, a retired English teacher, insists on sending me emails littered with txtspk abbrvtns. AAAARRRRRGHGHGHGGHGHGGHGGGG!!!

12 02 2010
Indi

Fiona, quid solium subluto podice perdis?
spurcius ut fiat, Fiona, merge caput

12 02 2010
Simon

No Indi I think Fiona drives a Bentley not a Fiat.

12 02 2010
Loftie

Simon you’d be wrong…

Bentley owners don’t drive anything…
Their driver’s drive the car…

They generally sit in the back…

12 02 2010
Simon

True Loftie, should have said is driven, how is the view from the back seat?

12 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Like he’d know… *eyeroll*

12 02 2010
Simon

Fiona, you are a model of discretion. Your secret is safe with me.

12 02 2010
Loftie

Ironic – but on the weekends I ‘moonlight’ as a wedding chauffeur…
and have had the pleasure of sitting in both the front and rear seats of a couple of high class vehicles such as Bentley, Rolls Royce, Aston Martin, etc…

So – my dear Fiona – I do know…

But, I certainly don’t have the pleasure on a daily basis as you would…
(they are very large cars – difficult to park in those parrallel spots on Toorak Rd, though when you’re in a Bentley, you can double park and get the driver to come back and get you once you’re finished at the salon)

12 02 2010
Bogue

I thought only ‘gangstaz’ ride in Bentleys these days (that’s how the roll, excuse the pun)?

12 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Not.

12 02 2010
Indi

os et labra tibi lingit, Fiona, catellus:
non miror, merdas si libet esse cani.

12 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Indi’s discovered Latin epigrams on Google. No match for my higher degree in the Classics, of course.

12 02 2010
Indi

So, translate for the people.

12 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL.

My Trans:

Your little dog licks your mouth and lips, Indi.
I am not surprised. If your dog likes to eat shit.

With one minor edit…

12 02 2010
Indi

Well done.

12 02 2010
Benjamin

How so? I googled that latin phrase and the translation Fiona quoted was the first hit…

12 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. A variation, no doubt. Unlikely to be exactly the same.

Or did you expect me to translate it into something completely different – i.e., wrong?

12 02 2010
Linda

That translation was not correct

12 02 2010
James

Hmm. Remember this Fiona?

“LOL. The bogan is, however, all too aware of the need to flash their credentials…”

12 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. “All bogans flash their credentials” is not the same as “all people who flash their credentials are bogan.”

I don’t really expect you to understand that, even though it’s a simple concept.

12 02 2010
James

Or alternatively, it is just as likely that there is a little bogan in you. In the absence of other evidence, at this stage either conclusion is serviceable.

12 02 2010
Sam

You are correct, they are not the same statement.

However, both statements are true.

12 02 2010
Linda

hahaha, I’m surprised you even understood the TEXT SPEAK Fiona hehe

12 02 2010
persephone

You really should link this to the entry on personalised number plates.

12 02 2010
Loftie

same theory – fit as much into 6 characters…

(though in WA they must be dumber bogans – they can have up to 10 characters on their plates… making it much easier to get the words in)

12 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. You must be right, I believe Shazza hails from there.

12 02 2010
Olly

Fiona. Are your language skills so negligible that you dont realise that any word or phrase repeated endlessly quickly becomes redundant and loses any meaning. LOL OFF!

12 02 2010
Benjamin

You fed the troll. You lose.

12 02 2010
Olly

Devastating response

12 02 2010
Benjamin

Not intending to be so. Sorry – my original response was a bit terse.

Just pointing out that Fiona is a troll, and she is *actively trying* to get responses like yours. So, she trolls, you bite, she wins, you lose.

The best way to get rid of trolls is to ignore them, but she does seem to have more staying power than most. Look at her comment history over the last 80 something articles to get the picture.

12 02 2010
Mr Results

Funny read about all the flame warriors including Trolls.
Very recommended

http://redwing.hutman.net/~mreed/

12 02 2010
Benjamin

Thanks for that – good fun. The Necromancer is definitely my favourite.

12 02 2010
brad

kung-fu master is me i am

12 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL.

12 02 2010
Loftie

LOL Indeed.

12 02 2010
Linda

hahahaha

The use of the word “troll” is boganish too 🙂

12 02 2010
Benjamin

How so?

Genuinely curious here…

12 02 2010
Kaiks

I thought the bogan word for “troll” started with “c” and rhymed with dunce.

12 02 2010
Paddington

An academic I know shudders to have to mark tertiary-level assignments that feature smatterings of accidental text-speak. Habit overcomes knowledge every time, it seems. The response is usually predictable: Only 37 out of 100? WTF!

12 02 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

Shouldn’t exams be over mobile fone nowdays anyway? Much easier for the boge.

Another fleecing of the bogan or more to the point, fleecing of an unfortunate victim, the parents of teenage children.

$49 caps with $10 trillion free text and carrier to carrier calls pfft.
Still costs me about 70$ a month over the cap for the kids.

One thing good for parenting is that a threat to take/suspend/ destroy phone will make teenage child act like a human (for at least 5 minutes).

12 02 2010
Jo

Submitting an assignment with text-speak should result in automatically being kicked out of uni/tafe/whatever……or at least an automatic fail, 37/100 is pure kindness!

12 02 2010
James

I have seen it in essays far more often than makes me feel comfortable. Even postgraduates are guilty of this. I am not sure if it is a lapse or an error in their drafting process, but either way it results in a savage mark down.

12 02 2010
Jodie

It’s funny you should say this. I received an excellent mark last year for what I thought was a rushed and average-at-best scientific report. I asked my lab demonstrator what gave my work the edge (so I could do it again next time) and he told me that it was because my spelling and grammar were good and I used blocking and punctuation properly. I asked him if it was really that rare (I would have thought those things were expected at uni level) and he replied that sadly, yes, increasingly so. He told me he received submissions containing text speak. I thought he was joking.

12 02 2010
James

Never underestimate students inability to use language Jodie. It is sad but true. I regularly come across essays containing sentences that it is not possible to understand, spelling errors, SMS abbreviations, all sorts of terrible, inexcusable mistakes. Much like your demonstrator, when I find one without such issues I am genuinely surprised. For the record, I have only ever taught at ANU, supposedly our most selective university.

12 02 2010
James

Wow how dumb is that? In a post complaining about inability to use English, I leave out an apostrophe.

12 02 2010
Simon

James,

Not trying to be a smart arse but why are the students allowed to submit this stuff and have it marked. Shouldn’t it just be handed back to them to re-write proper like.

12 02 2010
James

That would not be fair on the students who put in the effort in the first place Simon. Plus the administration associated with that is a nightmare.

12 02 2010
Simon

Sorry James, only suggesting the ones who can’t be bothered writing properly get theirs back, to remove text speak etc.

12 02 2010
James

If an essay had text speak littered right throughout, perhaps a resubmit would be appropriate. After all, it is clearly specified that essays must be written in English. It seems I was not clear in what I wrote earlier – when it is encountered, text speak usually only arises once or twice in an essay, and comes across as more of a drafting error than anything else. It is also usually accompanied by many other errors which could be fixed with a basic proofread – which is why I go so harsh on them. I am yet to come across an essay so littered with text speak that a resubmit would be appropriate.

I did make one student resubmit for using words like “sheila” and “bloke”, and for using the word “Abos” about fifteen times though… but that is another story.

12 02 2010
Simon

Understood, perhaps I overestimated the problem. Good luck.

12 02 2010
Adam

I actually researched this.

In 2010 the number of text messages sent worldwide is expected to exceed 4 trillion. These brief written messages are now a serious communicative tool, complete with a distinctive language of playful and innovative shorthand. Such widespread use has caused some people to worry that text language will supplant standard written English, especially amongst adolescents. However, I think we should be optimistic of text messaging as it encourages writing in those previously less likely to do so.
Detractors of text language, often cite anecdotal incidents of text language being used in schoolwork. The predominant themes are negative; with descriptions most often concerning the perpetuation of lazy habits first used in text messages. One such detractor, Jacquie Ream—former teacher and author of K.I.S.S.: Keep It Short and Simple (2005)—contends that text messaging is destroying the way adolescents write:
These kids aren’t learning to spell. They’re learning acronyms and shorthand. Text messaging is destroying the written word. Students aren’t writing letters; they’re typing into their cell phones one line at a time. Feelings aren’t communicated with words when you’re texting; emotions are sideways smiley faces. Kids are typing shorthand jargon that isn’t even a complete thought.
Ream also comments that ‘we have a whole generation being raised without communication skills’. This is an unfair assertion as adolescents are actually writing and communicating more than ever. To further this, there is no compelling evidence that suggests texting damages standard written English. In fact, some studies show that adolescents who are proficient in text language achieve higher results in school literacy tests). This is because context is so important in all digital communication. And most adolescents understand text language has a distinct style that should be limited to situational communication. Had they not been aware of this boundary, they would have been less likely to score higher than students less proficient in txt ;-). Language expert Robert Schrag, a communications professor, also supports this argument:
We have always implicitly taught our children different language structures and how they function in different arenas… We use [a different] language structure watching a basketball game than in our place of worship. Most children will understand the difference.

12 02 2010
James

Certainly supports my impression that the students in question do not think it is appropriate to use text speak in essays, but simply mistakenly let them through the proofreading process, if indeed they proofread at all. Had no idea that people had studied this stuff though. Nice post.

12 02 2010
Benny Hill

I CBF reading that.

12 02 2010
James

FFS.

13 02 2010
DP

Jodie,

That truely is sad. Your marks have nothing to do with the quality of the work but merely the quality of the grammar. I weep for Australia’s future. Who needs bogans when mediocrity abounds. At least a bogan can build a house, or pour concrete, or fix the plumbing.

13 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. If not spell “truly”.

13 02 2010
DP

Damn, fluffed my exit – truly.

12 02 2010
pominoz

Ah mobile phones, the legal drug of people with more money than sense. How anyone can rack up a mobile bill of hundreds of dollars just texting shazza or Dazza amazes me. And of course paying huge sums of money for ringtones and stupid ‘fun’ applications.

12 02 2010
Simon

Got to love it when Shazza and Dazza give little Jaxxxun a mobile, get the first bill and run straight to ACA. It’s always the phone companies fault that the first bill is for $10,000 worth of porn.

12 02 2010
Going bogue

Maybe it’s just me, but before reading that I always thought that the ❤ symbol was a pair of balls cupping a really pointy cock.

12 02 2010
Shmelly

I didn’t get it either.
I thought it looked like a bum so the meaning was to show someone their arse… which made no sense in the context it was used in!

14 02 2010
Martz

Cherries.

12 02 2010
Tone

lol wut

12 02 2010
Tubesteak

My head hurts

12 02 2010
Benny Hill

Nice one TBL, nice one indeed.

Fiona eat your cock off!

Was tea-bagging covered in #35?

12 02 2010
Loftie

Wow – that came from nowhere…

12 02 2010
Simon

Can someone please translate the bits in between the paragraphs, I have not got a clue what they say

12 02 2010
Simon of South Yarra

omigod, i totally understood all of what was said.
I am utter mortified
I must now do a Kurt Cobain

12 02 2010
Loftie

make sure your laces are tied on those CONS…
don’t want to trip over on the shotgun ‘ya know… 😉

12 02 2010
the trav

no mention of the fact that text speak, or txt spk, is now infultraiting verbal communication, starting it hear the pharases , LOL, OMG, etc used in “real” conversation between people.

12 02 2010
Jo

I like using “lolz” ironically because it confuses me…why does lol now have a Z on the end of it? haha it makes me laugh…or it makes me lolz, as it were.

12 02 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

The kids use “lulz”. Jesus remixing tXt speak.

Will the dumbing down of the world ever cease?

12 02 2010
Kaiks

“lulz” is specifically at someone’s expense, there is a difference between “lulz” and “lolz”.

SMS isn’t as popular as tXt.

12 02 2010
Jo

I’m still not sure what the z is for?? and what is the U in lulz stand for?…..maybe I should just give up trying to keep up

12 02 2010
Simon

Jo, google Lulz and you can find out. I have had to google almost all the abbreviations here to have any clue at all.

12 02 2010
JimmyMac

for pluralizzzzm

12 02 2010
berihebi

I gave up reading after 2 sentences, but it was probably funny and true.

12 02 2010
JimC

It’s all come a long way since typing ‘BOOBIES’ upside down on your calculator.

Or maybe it hasn’t come very far at all…

12 02 2010
James

It has come some way at least. For example, BOOBIES is passe among the kids now – BOOBLESS is considered far more sophisticated.

12 02 2010
Going bogue

Only when you do the full calculations first

12 02 2010
Pellegrino

Old hat, sir. I was doing the BOOBLESS trick on calculators in 1982.

12 02 2010
Jenni

Is this a test to see how many have a slight boganesque trait coursing through their veins? I deny being able to make any sense of the above entry.Brings the ”Grammar police” trait out in me.

12 02 2010
Ethan

What I find irritating now is that whenever a company (for example: Coca Cola) runs a competition, you now have to text into a draw to be informed that you haven’t won anything. Bring back the good old days when a bottle cap could tell you this instantly. Who wants to spend more even money to enter a competition when the odds are always going to be so astronomically high?

12 02 2010
Benjamin

How else would they get your phone number, address, etc?

12 02 2010
Simon

Plus make money out of your text.

12 02 2010
Ethan

Ha ha ha ha Coca Cola keeping the world in line!

12 02 2010
Gav

ROFLCOPTOR

12 02 2010
Linda

What does that stand for?

12 02 2010
Kaiks

ROFL is “rolling on floor laughing”.
CPTR or coptor describes the helicoptor propeller like movement as they are rolling on the floor.
I don’t think this one is so much bogan as it is gamer, Gen Y or 1337.

12 02 2010
Bastard Sheep

I hate to say this, but is there any chance of getting this post repeated in plain English for those of us who despise text/1337 speak? I know that writing this post in text speak is half (if not all of) the joke, but unfortunately there’s too many sections of it I cannot make heads nor tails of.

12 02 2010
Simon

Hear, Hear.

12 02 2010
Robbie

LMFAO!!! Diz iz da shiz!!

12 02 2010
Jenni

I’m with you B.S.! Don’t mind an occasional LOL or ROFL,but full sentences give me shooting pains in my head.Please don’t do it again TBL.

12 02 2010
Claire

Shamefully I could read it…all of it. Back in my younger days as an unrefined youth I used to use text speak religiously. Now though most of my text messages (on the few occasions that I actually send one) are mostly written in proper English except for a few appreciations. My 16 year old cousin sends 100’s of text messages a day. I can’t remember a time when her mobile wasn’t permanently attached to her hand. It baffles me considering I sometimes don’t even know where my mobile is!

I also can’t understand those that speak txt speak aloud as proper words. Saying lol pisses me off the most. If your going to “laugh out loud” just freakin laugh. Although, it is a great word/saying to use to effortlessly take the piss out of someone (mainly bogans) when they think they’re being hilariously funny. I’ve been known to bust out a sarcastic deadpan “lol” in response.

12 02 2010
Pellegrino

I remember an early episode of Californication addressing the spoken “LOL”. An excellent take.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGz6NdLBF2Y if you’re interested.

12 02 2010
Simon

Thanks TBL. My head feels better now. Now if you can provide the same service for James Hunters comments all will be good.

12 02 2010
Benjamin

Ho ho! Thank you sir, that got a hearty laugh out of me.

12 02 2010
pominoz

I have heard that

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae.

So maybe there is hope for the great unwashed

12 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. And that lush, James Hunter.

12 02 2010
James

He’s busy over at The Punch, but I assume he will be joining us soon.

12 02 2010
Sten

Ah, I love irony… but seriously, txt speak is such a bloody irritating thing – one particilally needs a degree in linguistics and cryptography to decipher what these bloody bogan kids are on about.

I bet they’re not nearly as clumsy when it comes to mathematical competence… how else would they work out projected winnings from the free games on Queen of the Nile?

12 02 2010
Albert

I teach Maths to bogans.
Yeah, they are as clumsy – scratch that – they’re worse!
Basic addition? No?
How to measure something? Anyone? These are the guys who will be building your house!
Working out change from $20? Use the bloody cash registar! (Tip to make money – open a shop selling alcohol or fried food in a bogan area – then short change your customers like hell – three quarters would have no idea!)
Even fractions – no hope! (I thought Jayden would be good at this – dad buys on ounce for $400 and seperates it into quarters which he sells for $120 each….)

As a society we just keep setting lower and lower standards, and then we fail to achieve them!

12 02 2010
Andrew

i bought lunch at Subway the other day, there was some issue with the cash register (probably user error) and “sandwich artist” Tyniesha had the task of working out how much change to give me. The order was $7.50. I handed her $10. She got all flustered, stepped back, and said to me “I can’t do maths”.

I cry for the future sometimes.

12 02 2010
Simon

Dude, Subway?!

12 02 2010
Andrew

better than Maccas!

12 02 2010
Simon

True, and life is better than death.

13 02 2010
Gorey

Apparently. This may not be so.

12 02 2010
Bogue

Does Subway have a Heart Foundation tick? Proof that anyone can be bought.

12 02 2010
Simon

But Jarrod lost 100kgs eating foot long meatball sandwiches. It must be good shit Bogue. Remember Dominos Pizza is now endorsed by The Fattest Bogan.

12 02 2010
Andrew

I don’t know if Subway does – but Maccas does I think! Go figure

12 02 2010
Loftie

I’ve been there too… Amazing that they don’t whip out their iPhone and run the calculator app and sort it out… phones fix everthing don’t cha know!?!

My favourite is trying to get them to give me a note for change, instead of all the loose coins… (ie: $17.75 to pay, and I give them $22.75) and they get all confused, why am I paying them so much when I could just give them a $20 and get the coins back as change…

Sandwich Artist – bet that looks good on a resume…
putting together pre-cut salad between mass produced bread and microwaving the meat… at least they’re not called Sandwich Chef’s…

12 02 2010
Keeping Kosher Klansman

Those bloody pinko Sandwich Arts courses they’re teaching our kids these days. When are these so-called cultural elites going to grow up and get real? The only way to ensure young Tay’lah a successful career in retail is a course in Sandwich Mathematics and Sandwich Commerce at the School of Hard Sandwich Knocks. Wake up, people. As our education system falls by the wayside these Indian Sandwich Artists come here in droves to take our children’s jobs…

Uh, this is a News Corp-sponsored blog, right?

12 02 2010
Simon

They took our Jeerbs.

12 02 2010
Bogue

I did see a position advertised for a Sandwich Artist (in all seriousness) just yesterday – I had to consult with the other half to discover it was a deli counter assistant. So, it’s evident that ‘artist’ is the bi-word for banal job descriptions this year…in 2009 it would have been Sandwich Architect…in 2008 it would have been Sandwich Engineer…in 2007 it would have been Sandwich Technician…in 2006 it would have been Sandwich Manager, and so on. When did marketing jargon permeate every aspect of our lives? I’m beginning to think The Matrix was a documentary!

12 02 2010
James

Reminds me of when Big W started calling its employees “associates”.

12 02 2010
JimmyMac

In the US most retail companies don’t have many “staff” at all, just “associates” – who are not paid (or given benefits) anywhere near as well as real staff.

I don’t think BigW would be able to do that here, but I’m sure they’d try it if they could – after all, Qantarse managed to con people into working for Jetstar on worse pay+conditions….

13 02 2010
Jodie

Ugh, that reminds me of another of my myriad peeves- the term “team member” when used for some pimply 15 year old Kmart employee. There’s no cameraderie, they all secretly hate you and are just waiting for the day they can get a real job. I remember working at Hungry Jack’s as a teen and we would all laugh with incredulity and pity when our tragic, obese, friendless manager referred to us as a team. As if we gave a shit about hamburgers and customer service.

12 02 2010
toony

No different to ‘barista’. Someone who makes coffee for a living yet feels it ranks in importance alongside cancer research…..

13 02 2010
Benjamin

Been to Rome? Or going?

Go to Taza D’oro (just near the Pantheon) and have an espresso.

It might make you wonder.

14 02 2010
Sam

Agreed. In Europe “instant coffee” or Nescafe was a (quickly) passing fad and is not even used on camping trips anymore.

Unfortunately it has remained mainstream in Australia – due mostly to laziness and lack of a clue. It is a disgusting embarrassment. I guess that is why Bogans are so happy to spend a fortune at Starbucks on crap espresso – “It tastes heaps better then what we have at home aye!?”.

Sure, making expresso at home for a crowd takes a bit of time. But filter or at least plunger coffee is worth the wait.

14 02 2010
Bam

I notice you put an X in Espresso. Make sure you dont make that mistake next time you are camping in Europe……Bogan.

As for “Expresso takes time” well, theres no X in ironic.

Go make me a Milo.

14 02 2010
Sam

arrrrr, I got it right the first time. Did you see that? Seriously, with there are so many x’s on this blog, it is contagious.

Is camping in Eurpoe bogan? How so? What if you live there?

Now go have some Decaf Nescafe instant or ask Starbucks to drop a vanilla hot it in your eSpresso. It seems your full strength eSpressos are making you a bit edgy and aggressive.

12 02 2010
James

I have been considering taking a higher degree in sandwich classics. My sub-thesis could look at the interaction between Vegemite and cheese…

12 02 2010
Bogue

…and your subway-thesis?

12 02 2010
hel

Someone beat you to it with iSnack 2.0. Like their spelling and grammar, that too was an epic fail.

12 02 2010
hel

For your thesis, why not investigate “What did people say things were the “greatest thing since….” before we invented sliced bread?”

12 02 2010
Kaiks

Subway bake their bread daily in every store. Whether they mix their own dough or get it in easily transportable frozen bricks, I can’t say.

15 02 2010
Rawrr

Frozen bricks. Just like the cookies ; )

12 02 2010
brad

you sound like a really good teacher. Maths- what level of maths? What you describe sounds like primary school maths,how can you be so judgemental towards 10 or 11 year olds?

12 02 2010
brad

question directed too Albert

12 02 2010
Albert

No – the scary bit is I teach all senior high school kids.
My luck is that I have a fairly good success rate in convincing a good proportion that Maths actually does serve a purpose in life, and that life is hurtling their way.
Possibly I am a bit shell shocked. It’s the start of the year, I’ve got a whole bunch of new students whose abilities are (like usual) not great.
Bogans these kids may be, but I end up liking them pretty quickly, and want them to do well.

12 02 2010
brad

thanks for clearing that up,as an adolescent im sure i would have been thought of in the same light by my maths teachers, only when i started work and went to trade school did i appreciate the usefulness and purity of maths as i learnt to use it and absorbed it into my skill set,so there is hope for some of these bogans yet

12 02 2010
MillersEdge

Why has society decided that txt speak is the norm? Why as a whole have we allowed it?

Why should i have to put up with illiterate morons trying to make me irrelevant in this age of stupid because I refuse to engage in txt speak and when i do make a comment i am shot down.

And why oh why have people, especially the mentally challenged that use txt speak, decided that spending 2-3 minutes typing out 160 words is far more productive than picking up the phone and saying it in less than 10 seconds?

Is it because a person can lie as much as he wants and be dishonest in his emotions towards the other person? Like when someone sends a stupid txt msg which is far from funny and person replies with a LOL!

The devolution of society is frustrating.

12 02 2010
hel

I agree wholly!!! It is disgusting that we live in a society that contains many barely monolingual trogolodites who think there, their and they’re can be used as variants of the same thing. I have tried to explain that “there car is red” does not denote ownership or a red car but to no avail. I weep for the English language. I am also proud to say I found the above blog very tough to read as I myself am not fluent in SMS speak. Maybe soon TAFE will have night classes. ‘X-treme SMS 101 “Lol wit gr8 ez”.’

12 02 2010
hel

I can’t believe I typed or instead of of. Shame. If I had been SMSing I would not have had these issues!

12 02 2010
Sten

So true… as a society, we’ve put a gun to the English language’s head, forced it to dig it’s own grave and write it’s own eulogy… will anybody be able to understand it though?

Damn bogans… I’d rather endure a colony of fire ants in all my sinuses than read another one of their garbled, gibberish “txts”.

13 02 2010
William

Don’t want to be picky, but you have a couple of extra apostrophes there, Sten.

12 02 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

Is SOS Morse Code txt-speak? BHP corporate txt-speak? Is HIV simply STD txt?

I actually like AFAIK. Dont think Bogues would actually use this one. Something like As Far As I Know sounds too humble and not x-treem for a Bogue.

12 02 2010
Kaiks

I think TBL may have been slightly off the mark with a little bit in this entry, I don’t disagree with the intention. But some of the initialisms like AFAIK or IMHO are common place in online forums and I find it hard to believe that bogans would use these two.
After observing a troll raid on a some bogan Facebook pages, I saw some pretty awkward bogan text language in its purest form. It was angry, agressive and over capitalised. An example “USE DONT NO SHIT!!!”, this translates to “You don’t know anything!”.
The bogans’ way of saying the plural version of “you” is “use” and they spell “know” without the “k” or “w” and simplify(?) it to “know”

12 02 2010
James

While on the subject of bogans writing like they speak, my favourite (and encountered on this site several times) is when a bogan ends a sentence with “aye”. Being from Queensland this drives me nuts, because it is bad enough that bogans turn every spoken sentence into a question, let alone every written sentence as well.

12 02 2010
Benjamin

I admit that I do this from time to time, to add a conversational and friendly tone to an informal email, to telegraph some sarcasm or occasionally to impart some more feel without using emoticons.

Overdoing it is where things turn bogan.

12 02 2010
Kaiks

*edit*

they spell “know” without the “k” or “w” and simplify(?) it to “no”

My subconscious won by stopping me from boganising “know”

12 02 2010
YB

It’s interesting that it is being called text speech here, when the shortening methods are shared with computer communication where it is called leet speak. Leet is the coding acronyms, leet speak is using commonly shared, whether they are leet coded or not. Wikipedia Leet for more details. My fave leet acronym is ilshibamf – I laughed so hard I broke all my furniture. Now please excuse me while I go to pwn nub.

12 02 2010
Kaiks

I think a lot of people confuse elite speech and text speech. Elite speech has substance, style and take effort, things the bogan doesn’t comprehend.

12 02 2010
YB

Leet is the letter coding, Leet speak is using the coding and/or the common acronyms.

12 02 2010
JimmyMac

I blame the r33! 133t g4m3r d00dz

12 02 2010
BloodyHeel

I can’t stand it. I’m not a top student, but I do know how to spell correctly.
It especially bothers me when HD students can’t even spell words like “too” and “you’re”

12 02 2010
Andrew

That is my biggest irritation! How hard is it to know what’s “to” and what’s “too” or the difference between “your” and “you’re”? Sadly that is not just a bogan trait either, it is everywhere!

12 02 2010
Tone

It’s a pity TBL didn’t rename themselves ‘thngz bgnz lyk’ just for today.

12 02 2010
loftie

+1
I lyk dat 1 Tone

12 02 2010
James

What is a premium text service exactly? I only use my phone to make calls when I am not at home, and to receive calls (although I miss more than I answer), and I have never let a telemarketer get beyond “I was calling to see”, and thus have no idea how the concepts of “premium” and “SMS” fit together.

12 02 2010
Simon

James,

Premium only for the provider. You know the ads that ask you to text in your and your partners name and they will tell you how compatible you are. All for only $5.95 per text (other fees and charges may apply). Now that is how to charge a premium.

12 02 2010
James

Oh okay. Thanks Simon. So it is kind of similar to the mobile cap plans, where instead of the cap being the maximum you will pay, it is really the minimum that is capped.

What a wonderful exercise in doublethink.

12 02 2010
Simon

James happy to help. I never thought of a cap that way so you have also enlightened me.

12 02 2010
Bam

I am still pretty old-school when its comes to texting. If a text message actually requires a response, I make a phone call.

Having said that, I have been caught out by predictive text in the past. I have often sent messages like “I’ll be good soon”.

One interesting predictive interpretation did surprise me though. Try and write “Smirnoff” with predictive text. OMG WTF!!!!1111. Quite accurate really.

12 02 2010
Belinda

Oh I get gone/home/good and go/in sent to me here and there and I giggle, I use predictive text myself and sympathise but it must read very silly to people who don’t understand or use predictive themselves.

That Smirnoff one was a beauty too!

12 02 2010
Mark

So how many of these people who txt tlk join groups on Facebook like “this is Ostraya, we eat meat, drink beer and speak FUCKING English”?

Oh, and I was once handed a job application at the bar where I work, some bogan looking for to be a barman and he barely looked 18, his job application was full of SMS spk, as soon as he walked out the door, it went in the bin!

12 02 2010
James

I was reading over a discussion about “immagrents” on a Facebook group called “Speak English or Piss Off”, and it contained some of the most ridiculous spelling I have ever seen – and I have a six year old child who currently spells things by sounding them out.

The bad speller – an Albury-Wodongan by the name of Sam – claimed to be misspelling in the interests of brevity (“who wnts 2 fukin spel wrds out in full”), but I believe that “immagrents” contains the same number of letters as “immigrants”.

12 02 2010
James

Leaving out the letter “c” in “fuck” has somehow dodged the “Comment awaits moderation” status. You might want to fix that TBL.

I think we just set it up as a filter for anyone who was having a particularly vigourous personal swipe at other commenters, but the profanity of the comments in general makes it hard to come up with an efficient filter. Oh well. TBL

12 02 2010
hel

GOLD!

12 02 2010
Andrew

the annoying thing is, my mum has learned to txt speak. No idea who she got that from. Certainly not from any of her children. It’s almost as if she just picked it up by instinct which means, oh no, I’ve got bogan DNA!

12 02 2010
Bogue

Text speak.

12 02 2010
lauren

You are not alone Andrew, my mum tries it on too. My personal favourite is “Hvng a G8 time” and it wasnt a one off, I have received it several times.
Not entirely sure what a “Gate Time” is, not entirely sure I want to find out either……

12 02 2010
Bogue

Don’t you mean ‘greight time’, Lauren?

12 02 2010
Bogue

Argh! Worse, it is ‘geight time’!

12 02 2010
Bogue

Golden Geightime?

12 02 2010
Keeping Kosher Klansman

Obviously your mother has been to a few G8 summits. I hope all those powerful heads of government weren’t offended by her tapping out txt msgs during their discussions of global importance…

OMG, afta hiz speech about da menace of homosexuality stephen harper slipt frm da podium &faceplanted in2 sarkozys crotch ROFLMAO 😉

12 02 2010
Chris

She wouldn’t even know what a G8 summit is.

12 02 2010
Peter

Definitely off topic, but while passing time before a funeral service I attended in Bondi Junction today, I ventured into an Ed Hardy store for the first time. The sales assistant, showing a mixture of surprise and expectancy, asked ‘if I’d been inside one of our [sic] stores before?’ I replied I hadn’t, but I read TBL and was using the opportunity for research…’ At the time her porkpie-hatted colleague materialized barely concealing his contempt at my mentioning ‘Thingsboganslike’.

Good taste is its own reward.

12 02 2010
Simon

Wish I was there to see that. I was hoping she would as if you have seen their fully sic shop aye.

12 02 2010
Daniel

Best post so far. But that may be bogan speak- (“ever” endures for 1 day)

12 02 2010
Dan Macphee

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

Bogans didn’t create txtspeak. It was created by a bunch of nerds on Usenet way, way, way back before bogans knew about the internet. And not just any nerds… LAZY NERDS. Lazy nerds who thought, “Fuck, do I have to write these three words whenever someone says something funny? Bugger it, I’ll use the acronym…” And thus LOL was invented.

I know this because I was one of those lazy nerds who was happy using the bogan-free intermanets, LOLing at the antics of my fellow lazy nerds. And like barbarians invading a farmer’s field to steal his bovine, suddenly the world wide web became awash with bogans who stole our slang!

We nerds invented everything stolen and ruined by other subcultures. Take those creepy goatees that hipsters like. We invented those! And only because we were too lazy to shave. Now suddenly they’re a fashion statement? Fuck off!

13 02 2010
Simon

Dan, the site is called Things Bogans Like not Things Bogans Invented.

14 02 2010
Dan Macphee

Simon, I understand what you’re trying to tell me, but I think you missed the bit in the article I’m referring to:

“Tired of being told that it can’t spell, the bogan has created an elaborate system of space saving remixed x-treme words, that allow it to fit more inane babble into 160 characters.”

The bogan hasn’t created anything. It was nerds who created txtspeak and was adopted by bogans.

I know it’s a minor point to harp on, but I’m a nerd. Go figure.

15 02 2010
Kat

I agree – it was around a long time before bogans knew about it.

15 02 2010
Simon

I’ll go with that Dan, but it takes a bogan to make it incomprehensible!

12 02 2010
Pellegrino

I think a lot of the acronyms and shortening originally stemmed from IRC and other “chat” systems waaaaay back in the day. Also saw extensive use in Instant Messaging, if I recall.

When I used to use IM with an overseas girlfriend it’d start off as looking like fairly regular English, but it didn’t take long before the conventions of grammar and punctuation fell by the wayside in our attempts to keep the conversation as real-time as possible.

Admittedly, it’s a far greater pain in the arse to spell out some things on a phone keypad than it is to abbreviate or acronymify them. I can readily forgive txt spk in text messages, but when they bleed over into proper prose, it pisses me off to no end.

12 02 2010
Mathieu Tozer

You don’t seem to have covered ‘Premuim’ yet either. Was reminded of it two fold because of your use of it at the end, and because Telstra (and others) used it all the time to rip of bogans for other services!

13 02 2010
urbanreverie

I believe that all these rumours about the death of the English language expressed in this thread are greatly exaggerated.

The op-ed pieces in tomorrow’s Sydney Morning Herald won’t be written in textspeak, nor does Tony Jones pepper his diction with “lolz” or “ZOMG!” on ABC1’s Lateline. Contemporary literature is still written in Standard English (with a few specialised exceptions and dialectical variations such as the trans-Atlantic differences in spelling), and the next blockbuster Broadway play will probably feature few of the insensible abbreviations detailed in today’s TBL post.

Just remember – the bogans don’t own the English language (thank heavens). Nor do they determine the direction our mother tongue shall evolve towards in the future. As has been the case for seven hundred years, the literate and the intelligent will determine the “prestige” form of how our language is used – the form that is taught in high schools and which is used by our newspapers, even the tabloid News Ltd crud.

By the way, a great post from TBL, and an even greater thread. I haven’t laughed so hard at something I’ve found on the net for quite a long time – especially at Going Bogue’s comment about <3. My neighbours must hate me now!

13 02 2010
Dan Macphee

“Just remember – the bogans don’t own the English language (thank heavens). Nor do they determine the direction our mother tongue shall evolve towards in the future.”

Recently, I talked about something similar with some friends. We were discussing about how the misuse of the word “literally” became commonplace, whether r not the language was determined by people who had no idea what they were doing, and whether it’s the evolution of language or just plain wrong.

16 02 2010
pop

Agree.

For those that think texting is for the illierate, go and borrow the book “Txtng: the Gr8 Db8” by David Crystal. Crystal is one of the most famous linguists alive today and is a big fan of txtese/sms-speak. He makes the point that you have to be able to read and write before you can text. Yes, there are idiosyncrasies with people spelling words differently to others. But it’s a new form on writing.
He has also found that people aged between 20-40years actually use more correct spelling, syntax and punctuation than those who are 40years and above. Therefore we cannot assume that ‘idiots’ and bogans only use textese.

For those who think that it is an abomination that we have let “our English” get to this stage, relax. English is about to get a lot simplier. Languages historically become less complicated in their lifespan. For example, today we speak a version a lot simplier than Shakespeare did. Native English speakers are a minor fraction of global English speakers today. Perhaps in 100 years “our English” will be dead and everyone could be speaking a version from India or China and it will probably be the bogan who assimilates easier than speakers of “proper” English

13 02 2010
Fiona

You do know that most of the regular bloggers on this post are just as bad??? A Toorak bogan is still a bogan, even if writing in Latin. You can tell by the subtle sense of haughtiness and more obviously by the LOL (just ’cause it’s not in a text message, does not make it OK). Keep laughing at your estranged bros and sistas, kids; they are not as far away as you might like to think…

13 02 2010
Kaiks

“You do know that most of the regular bloggers on this post are just as bad???”

I think you might mean

“You do know that most of the regular posters on this blog are just as bad???”

14 02 2010
Death Squad

Jesus, I think I just lost 10 I.Q. points trying to translate that non-sense.
How about thisfor BGN SPK? gfckurslf. arshle.

14 02 2010
Death Squad

s brd cld kil mslf

14 02 2010
Kondor Man

All this talk about “text-speak’ brings back vague memories of George Orwell’s “1984”. Didn’t the ruling regime implement “good-speak?”, a dumbed down version of English that was meant to reduce creativity and imagination? Looks like it took about 25 years longer, but I reckon ol’ Georgie was on the money!

14 02 2010
Snag

I swear reading the text-speak took about 5 times as long as reading the article in English. Another great post TBL.

By the way, I love the use of IMHO (in my humble opinion). Just like “no offence”, it almost always proceeds a rude, ignorant or stupid comment.

15 02 2010
Kat

I don’t see that as bogan at all – that kind of texting was happening before bogans could afford a mobile phone.

15 02 2010
Kat

It reminds me more of l33t than bogan speech. They don’t even swear as much in texts.

15 02 2010
Snag

You’re right, it is more 1337-speak than sms. I guess it depends how many NaB’s frequent online forums.

2 03 2010
hel

OH LORD I just saw this post on a facebook website. I wept for the state of our education system, I appreciate a language must evolve but this would be easier to digest if it was vomited up instead. I quote “i love fb now lol its the tghing i do everynight n keep in tutch wiv me m8s n that but i did used to have a life” WHAT? Far out. Tutch wiv me m8s………… How do these people get jobs? Mind you if they have jobs and use correct spelling during work hours they should be applauded for being bi-lingual!

4 03 2010
#98 – Doing as Simon Says « Things Bogans Like

[…] Simon Says 4 03 2010 While reality shows like Big Brother allow the bogan to send a slew of SMS votes at moderate expense, there is a pronounced lack of merchandise and consumable products […]

7 03 2010
Sugatits

My in-laws type like this on Facebook. I have to get my husband to translate their messages.

7 03 2010
common man

10/10 tbl.

4 05 2010
Michael Farnbach

I reckon apply the tobin tax to SMS’s. .5 of a cent goes back into public expenditure. Imagine all that bogan-chick revenue? That would learn ’em! LMFAO!!!

12 07 2010
#156 – All Things Fast and/or Furious « Things Bogans Like

[…] up with the equally tremendous 2 Fast 2 Furious, the creators capitalized on the bogan’s love of SMS speak before the misstep of The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift which, possessed of unusual punctuation […]

20 07 2010
Anti-Fiona

God, you’re so annoying Fiona – you’re not the epitomy of class, as you seem to think, in fact, it really seems like you’re trying suspiciously hard to prove something. As the bogues would say – shut yo’ trap biatch!

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