#83 – Twenty/Twenty Cricket

11 02 2010

The bowler turns on his heel as he approaches the top of his run, tosses the ball from hand to hand, steam very nearly bursting out of his nostrils, given the furious energy he has built up leading into this moment. Gradually, he begins his run, first at an amble, then a run, before hitting the crease at an Olympian sprint, simultaneously throwing his arm over his shoulder and releasing his small leather projectile at his nemesis at nigh-on 100 miles an hour. The die is cast, the first delivery bowled in anger of what will hopefully be an epic contest.

The batsman, in a split second, sizes up the speed, trajectory, movement and bounce of the ball. Instantly, he assesses the placings of the fielders, the chances of success. He’s facing a great bowler with a head full of steam, and he’s yet to find his rhythm. He steps forward, raises his left elbow, presents a straight bat, and sends the ball safely back to the other end of the pitch. Game on.

Then, from the crowd, emerges “Fucking hit the thing you lazy cunt! It’s twenty twenty!”

Welcome to Twenty/Twenty (or in the bogan-abbreviated, text-speak vernacular, T/20) cricket. Cricket, thirty years ago, was abridged for the nascent bogan into World Series Cricket – taking the traditional 5-day, 450-over epics and trimming them down to a neat 100 so that they could all be bowled in time for bed. Colourful clothes and night games were the norm, and bogans embraced the x-treme spectacle of cricket for the attention-deficient.

However, as is always the bogan way, turning a five-day sporting event into an eight-hour sporting event was not enough. Thus, from the depths of the mother country, T/20 was born. Cutting back like a newspaper editor who just saw his daughter reading TMZ, cricket was whittled away to a positively skeletal 40 overs, creating the ability to finish a match in three hours.

Of course, x-treme brevity was not sufficient to mollify the bogans’ impatience for sixes and fours. Cricket geniuses incorporated ‘power plays’ from one-day cricket, because clearly the bogan enjoys power of any sort, its total lack of awareness of what power plays are or their effect notwithstanding.

The boundaries were moved even closer to the batsmen, almost guaranteeing that if they closed their eyes and connected, said fours and sixes would ensue. And naturally, when these inevitable fours and sixes are scored, the bogan masses, clad as they are in flag-capes and cheap knock-offs of the Australian uniform, can celebrate. Celebrate along with fireworks. Fireworks that are effectively large stoves, spewing forth flame, allowing one household’s annual natural gas consumption to be spent igniting flame bursts on the sidelines. Meanwhile, over the loudspeakers, ‘Who Let the Dogs Out’ pumps, elevating the bogan to a new level of patriotic hysteria. Meanwhile, at the pub among those already kicked out, a bogan glasses some cunt.


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87 responses

11 02 2010
j-ho

Massive bogan event. Off topic TBL, I hold grave concerns over Yeasayer, after 3 years of having them to ourselves I fear they may be embraced by the masses with the new album…

11 02 2010
Tone

As we all know, ADHD is just shorthand for ‘shithouse parenting’, another thing many bogans like (generally those that are heading more into the feral end of the bogan continuum).

11 02 2010
James

Especially when said “shithouse parenting” can result in the legal acquisition of methamphetamine and dexamphetamine – then little Jaydynn becomes a real asset.

11 02 2010
Bogue

Australian cricket’s equivalent to baseball, possibly one of the most boring games on the planet. Who would have thought shortening and already abbreviated version of a supposedly dull 5 day sport would make it duller still? I guess it’s the difference between chess and checkers.

11 02 2010
svunt

How long can it be until we’re down to a penalty goal shootout style game, best of five balls for each team? The game would be over in twelve minutes, a world series could be done in an afternoon, then the bogues could post a few tweets along the lines of ‘smashed the curries 2 da Xtreme lol’ and be behind a velvet rope by dinner time.

11 02 2010
Loftie

Svunt – I was thinking the same thing…

Each batsmen gets one ball to do something…
Total of 2 overs (max)…

Then the bogan can get back to the real sport – getting sloshed…

11 02 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

Waiting for this one.

No glasses at cricket grounds, the security remove all glass from the bogans at the gate.

Good point. We’ll fix that. TBL

And whats with the music at these 20/20 games? They have a dj (usually blackcause only black dj’s have the cred) with a couple of turntables, but the selected of the 10 second sound bite, sound slike they just turn the volume up on a radio tuned to MMM.

Hideous game.

11 02 2010
Tone

I also wonder about ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’. I thought there were only three tracks in the standard Sporting Ground DJ’s playlist, all by Queen: ‘We Will Rock You’, ‘We Are The Champions’ and ‘Another One Bites The Dust’.

11 02 2010
Your Local Dandy

Eye of the Tiger by Survivor would surely be on that list.

Or was that merely Steve Waugh’s rev-up music?

Wait, are we talking about cricket? Do I care?

Cricket. Hideous game.

11 02 2010
Bogue

You’ll just have to plastic the c**ts instead w_m_a

11 02 2010
Tone

I expect that would work better. Blunt knifes inflict more pain than sharp ones, would the same principle work if some c**nt gets cupped?

11 02 2010
Gav

maybe plastic snake the c*nts??

11 02 2010
hel

The concept of bogans “cupping” one another leads to a visual image I am not sure I can cope with. Way to many homo-erotic connotations for the bouges there.

11 02 2010
Tone

Two bogues, one cup?

11 02 2010
hel

Oh lord, I can, unfortunately, picture it now…..

11 02 2010
SM Adelaide

The only surprise is they didn’t contrive a way to spell twenty twenty with an x

11 02 2010
FT

SM, how about xx/20 ??

11 02 2010
Kaiks

20/XX or XX/XX?

I don’t think boganised cricket needed any “X” marketing and I have a feeling basic roman numerals are beyond the average bogan. I, II, III, V & X are the only roman numerals used in movie sequels.

11 02 2010
Bogue

Didn’t the bogans sack Rome? Or was it the Vandals?

11 02 2010
Sam

maybe the Goths?

11 02 2010
SM Adelaide

Maybe they feel they got it covered with the four x beer advertisments?

11 02 2010
Jimmy

RIP cricket

😦

11 02 2010
Bogue

Just over 8,000 people attended the last ODI in Adelaide…I believe the 3rd umpire is making their decision on the death of the 50 over game as we type.

11 02 2010
Storbz

Yes, that was a pretty lame crowd, half the ground being renovated notwithstanding. I went to the game vs Pakistan on Australia Day, and there were more people at the Redbacks Twenty20 match a couple of weeks prior!

If you told me a year ago that we’d get more people to a domestic match than an international one, I would have laughed in your face…then cried.

11 02 2010
Tubesteak

Cricket Oz has much to answer for. 5 games against the same poor performing team with no real competition gets boring

11 02 2010
BG

Nail on the head. Last year was good, because there was an actual contest taking place.

It feels mildly vulgar watching on as Australia tears their opposition apart within the first 4 overs, only to (apparently) receive a directive to string it out a little so that we can chase a total that’ll take more than 3 balls to reach.

Likewise, the Ashes next summer will see attendances & ratings back through the roof.

12 02 2010
Sam

It reminds me of the Commonwealth Games.

When are they going to stop the Commonwealth Games?

11 02 2010
Bogue

The high-profile Sub-Continental teams spend all year ’round thrashing ‘minow’ sporting teams and the crowds turn out in their droves. I believe the most recent Australian tour by India was responsible for local crowds losing interest – the appalling lack of sportsmanship from both sides, the lack of gumption of the Australian side, the sniping and bitching at ground and administration level – it was pathetic. To be honest, it’s only the infusion of new blood in the Australian team that has made me sit up and take any notice of the game at all.

11 02 2010
Going bogue

It’s also important to note that this current team is quite possibly the most unlikeable team since the 80s – I mean Ricky Ponting is one if the good blokes in this team, FFS!

11 02 2010
Frazer

Bogans for some reason love seeing Australia demolish poverty stricken nations,whether it be the West Indies or Bangladesh. The lust for dominance bubbles to a peak during the Commonwealth games. Seeing our athletes destroy sporting powerhouses such as the Maldives, Botswana, The Cook Islands and Malawi, makes the bogan feel all warm inside.

12 02 2010
Tone

It’s the same reason why bogans like holidaying in Bali, but would crack the shits if a Balinese family moved in next door to them. Of course, when they crack the shits, they’ll start their anti-Balinese rant with ‘I’m not racist, but …’. Then they’ll suggest that their neighbours keep a close eye on their dogs in case they go missing.

12 02 2010
Sten

Oh, and Iraq, Afghanistan… maybe even Iran this year…

11 02 2010
Peter

Good point about the fireworks. Domestic animals, and presumably native fauna, do not handle fireworks too well. At midnight on December 31 each year I say a quiet pray for the welfare of all animals but particularly those in the surrounding area of The Sydney Harbour Bridge. I think the attraction to fireworks is very immature.

12 02 2010
MillersEdge

i’ve never understood the fascination with fireworks. In 2002 when sydney was burning with the bushfires it was hideous that they allowed the fireworks to happen on NYE.

This country is frustrating 99% of the time due to the stupid nature of the bogue.

11 02 2010
Storbz

OK, I’m gonna play devil’s advocate here. Yes, we know it’s not real cricket in the traditional sense, but I’ve been to a few games and there’s been just as many kids as bogans – if not more. They get right into it, because it’s exciting, there’s always something happening, and over before they get restless. It’s actually a nice way for a family to spend an evening together, and anything that gets a child out from in front of the PS3 and 50″ plasma and possibly interested in taking up a sport, can only be a good thing.

I love my test cricket, but the prospect of taking a family to a venue that is full of sunburnt morons who have spent 8 hours on the Hill drinking twice as many beers as they would normally (because it’s mid-strength) just scares the crap out of me.

11 02 2010
Harbinger

Yeah, nah, but, with games starting in the early evening, the bogue has hours to charge up at the nearest pub before getting to the ground.

11 02 2010
JimmyMac

ODIs are about as short a cricket match as I can get my head into. XX/xx is over well before I start to get interested.

11 02 2010
John Vardanega

“Welcome to Twenty/Twenty (or in the bogan-abbreviated, text-speak vernacular, T/20)”

Or, given that TBL has itself proven to be quite the stickler of accuracy and correctness in others, how about using the official notation: Twenty20.

Because the bogan often refuses to be correct about anything. TBL

11 02 2010
Going bogue

Children and bogans like T/20. Ergo, bogans are children.

11 02 2010
Bogue

Similar level of maturity

11 02 2010
Robbie

“Meanwhile, over the loudspeakers, ‘Who Let the Dogs Out’ pumps, elevating the bogan to a new level of patriotic hysteria. Meanwhile, at the pub among those already kicked out, a bogan glasses some cunt”

LOL….fucking hilarious 🙂

11 02 2010
pominoz

I think 20/20 needs the cheer leaders bouncing in front of the bogans. The wickets could be lit up like a neon sign (maybe with advertising as well) and if anybody catches a ball in the crowd they get to drink as much as they want for free. There are some many things you can do to make the game more exciting.

11 02 2010
Sten

Gawd, pominoz… I could just imagine what would happen if your suggestions were adopted… as soon as a six is hit, the Bogues are squaring up to each other, ready to deck the other c*nts desperate to catch the ball and get sloshed for free.

Sort of like a male version of catching the bouquet. Actually, I could see that as highly amusing (mind you, watching Bogans duke it out is usually pretty damn funny in any case). Bring it on! Otherwise? Cricket… ghastly, ghastly game. I’d rather get my scrotum caught in a paper shredder than watch five minutes of it.

11 02 2010
Apple Pie

Bogans will suck on poison if it’s packaged just right. Packer knew that, and the other Genius Prick at Channel 9 who invented the six ball over, knew that a shorter over means even more commercials at thirty grand a pop.
The Genius Prick researched, and found Bogans did indeed have a short attention span. Also, they had ‘stuff to do’… like shopping at Harvey Norman, Paintball, and a ‘call to arms’ at Cronulla beach.
And found that the commentary of Ian Chappell…had a somewhat soporific effect if endured for more than 2 hours at a time…
Bogans were nodding off during the commercials….holy shit….
NOT FUCKING ON !!!
Meetings with Sales Managers of 3 Mobile, Harvey Norman and Dominos to brainstorm it.

All sorted now ( you Genius Prick )

11 02 2010
Mezz

It’s sad really – these clowns are there for the taking. To be mass marketed to (in the tackiest possible way) and exploited on mass due to their naive mindsets and gullibility. The result is a social loss the rest of us just have to wear. I still reckon we need a page on the Ugg Boot focussing specifically on the neo bogan fondness for the hideous bloodty things and also touching briefly on it’s roots from the bogans “Classic Era” when the mullet and the flano ruled the world – well the west anyway…

4 09 2011
Shirley

Dag nabbit good stuff you wiphpresnpapers!

11 02 2010
Ethan

Cricket for me is like the soothing sound of the ocean; if it is being broadcast onto my television set, I cannot help but feel relaxed, subsequently drifting off into a most peaceful sleep.
Please don’t take cricket away it bores me to sleep…. the most peaceful sleep you can imagine on a hot summers day LoL
Maybe if spectators followed my lead, then this sport would turn into a massive sleep festival and the ensuing glassings might be a thing of the past!

11 02 2010
Nathan

Why are you sleeping during the day you lazy cunt?

11 02 2010
Ethan

Cause your mum makes me tired – Ethan

11 02 2010
Indi

Cricket, the Noh Theatre of sport.

11 02 2010
Ethan

Ooh, Noh Theatre and Cricket combined could very well be a fantastic cure for insomnia. A one day international sleep festival, brilliant!
Minus the glassings of course LoL

11 02 2010
r.jett

exactly. If alcohol can’t make a game less boring, why bother with it? hell- even playing cricket was boring….

11 02 2010
Bogue

You could say the same for ecstacy and electronic music.

11 02 2010
Chris

leave electronic music out of this!

11 02 2010
Bogue

ADD?

11 02 2010
Chris

so’s ya face

11 02 2010
Benjamin Hill

How dare children be immature and like fireworks.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch I have succumbed to something I have been in denial about for a long time. I am a bogan, I like 20/20 cricket, as a matter of fact I like all forms of cricket and on top of that I’m a fucking beer snob.

Damn you TBL!!

I don’t know who makes up the rules about not allowing glass at the 20/20, Charles Darwin would be turning over in his grave.

11 02 2010
Paddington

What about french cricket? For those without the wherewithall to learn the rules of the gentleman’s game, right proper.

11 02 2010
Lee

I love cricket season. My wife hates it.

11 02 2010
Benjamin Hill

Oh and let’s not forget the cricket drinking game.

Every beer is worth 10 runs and every piss is a wicket.

I’ll let ya’ll figure the rest out.

11 02 2010
ibakestuff

I love playing cricket, but not so much watching it anymore…and most definitely not watching it live.

“The batsman, in a split second, sizes up the speed, trajectory, movement and bounce of the ball. Instantly, he assesses the placings of the fielders, the chances of success. He’s facing a great bowler with a head full of steam, and he’s yet to find his rhythm. He steps forward, raises his left elbow, presents a straight bat, and sends the ball safely back to the other end of the pitch. Game on.

Then, from the crowd, emerges “Fucking hit the thing you lazy cunt! It’s twenty twenty!””

Pretty much sums it up for me.

11 02 2010
Bam

I scored some members passes for a 20/20 game at Adelaide oval recently. We had a good view right across to the seething mass of Bogans on the hill (the seething mass that I have been a part of in years gone by).
Unreal, especially the name of the game – The KFC Twenty20 Big Bash – How super fucken eXtra Awesome is that name??!! KFC AND Big Bash. Genius.

They also sold full strength beer, I guess the game is just short enough to get away with it without needing the riot squad on standby for when it gets a bit Rapey.

Then, just as the crown were nicely drunk and ready to get properly hammered, the game finished, the gates opened and 5000 drunk Bogans were unleashed into the city on a quiet weeknight. Gold. Gold for Australia.

11 02 2010
Mike

Oh fuck me that intro is the funniest.

12 02 2010
Simmo

20/20 is not cricket period

12 02 2010
Bam

20/20 is to cricket as Nickleback is to music.

12 02 2010
hel

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA best quote ever! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I know that many HAHA’s is bogue but that deserved it! brilliant!

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?v=feed&story_fbid=330696475589&id=612357283#!/pages/Can-this-pickle-get-more-fans-than-Nickleback/282013353726?ref=ts

12 02 2010
Bam

Thankyou for the nice response, but Im afraid I cannot check the link you posted.

I would rather de-vein my cock with a clam knife than go anywhere near facebook.

Be that as it may – Pickle for the win.

12 02 2010
hel

bogans love facebook ;p

12 02 2010
Bam

Yes, yes they do.

TBL – future post, Social networking?

The quest to have more friends than people with no friends.

A guy I know still tells everyone that Dave Grohl is his friend. Dude, really.

I understand the attraction, but cannot commit to the inevitable shit-storm of Bogans from another life that would come out of the woodwork. And Im sure they feel the same about me 🙂

13 02 2010
Gorey

Dave Grohl, or “Dave Grolh”, from whom I got a request last week?

13 02 2010
Bam

I hope you accepted the request. Then you would have one more friend. Congratulations. Keep them rollin in Mate, the sky is the limit.

14 02 2010
Sam

The more friends you have on facebook, the more important and better a person you are.

14 02 2010
Bam

Thats absolutely correct. Unless, of course, you are in reality, a Cockhead.

14 02 2010
Sam

I would say that you would have 3 friends (including your mum) or 1000 friends. Nothing in between.

12 02 2010
12 02 2010
Linda

Do a post on ECHUCA! weekends away in Echucha for the bogan

12 02 2010
Mephistopheles

I’ve no actual issues with the mechanics of Twenty20 and I definitely find it perceptibly superior to the one day game, which is more or less dullsville as far as I’m concerned. The latter lacks the intense strategic struggle of test cricket but somehow still more or less manages its stately pace save for the frantic final overs of any given innings.

T20 is an unabashed attempt to force players (batsmen in particular) to display raw technique, at the same time giving the game a bit of a hurry along.

Bogans may well like the spectacle, the noise and the myriad distractions offered at the ground but the game itself is perfectly watchable if it is divorced from the peripheral extravaganza that is on offer. From that POV, T20 is almost always best experienced on the tube rather than at the venue. My only excursion to a game left me somewhat agitated after hearing a few bars of a popular song pumped out of the ground’s PA system between deliveries. I was completely unsurprised by how grating it was.

12 02 2010
Not Paul but Paul

I agree Mephistopheles, T20 or Twenty20 or XX/XX or whatever they want to call it this week, is not a bad game, and far superior to 50 over cricket in my opinion. It is all the other crap that goes with it that makes it so bogan.

I have not seen a T20 game live and think that all that shit would give me the irrits too. However, I disagree that you can escape it by watching it on the box. Have you noticed that the commentators appear to have consumed vast amounts of red cordial prior to a T20 game so they talk atamillionmilesanhoursoalltheirwordsjointogether. They are not like this during the Test Matches. After watching the pre-game introduction of a telecast I feel like I need my medication for that ADHD I never had.

12 02 2010
Mephistopheles

The trick is to watch the game at a pub (preferably a pub in the inner suburbs). You can’t hear the commentary at all that way. A few jars of your preferred tipple and all’s well in the world. This does not work nearly as well for test cricket, where commentators can provide insight or entertainment as opposed to rapid fire delivery.

12 02 2010
Sam

T20 does not show a batsman’s raw technique at all. All it shows his power and slogging ability.

Too many games are decided by luck and by a single batter having a blitz for a few overs. There are plenty of no-name sloggers who can do this to the best bowlers in the world if they have a bit of luck.

Test cricket shows a batsman’s raw technique, temperament, stamina, concentration and adaptability.

Far fewer test matches are decided by luck and a batsman needs to bat for many hours to turn a test match – not many people are capable of this.

12 02 2010
dex

t/20 cricket is for bogans, anyone who genuinally loves criket will not stand for the demise of Test Cricket. Up yours 20/20.

15 02 2010
Kat

I don’t watch cricket at all, so I am finding it kind of amazing that they actually made the boundaries closer so that more 4s and 6s could be hit. It sort of takes from the achievement of hitting a 4 or a 6. It’s silly.

15 02 2010
B. Oganspotter

Personally as a person who cant stand cricket, I prefer Twenty/20. Only because as Channel Nine feel like everyone loves cricket and it has to interupt all programming, I’d prefer it to go as short as possible so normal programming can resume.

15 02 2010
Kat

Well yes but don’t they show 20/20 AND test cricket? Sadness.

20 02 2010
devil's advocate

These comments are quite reassuring. Prior to T/20, I could *tolerate* one-dayers and test matches were abhorrent. T/20 is good entertainment for me and turns cricket into a sport rather than some dudes sunbaking all day.

While it is clear that bogans like T/20, that does not dicate that all persons who love T/20 are bogans. So I will scurry away with my sense of superiority intact.

19 02 2010
Faux-gan

Dear TBL, just a small note – the initial one-day games in the 70’s were 60 overs a side making 120 overs for the day not 100 as stated in the above article.

I am watching cricket as i type this and thankfully australias dominance over a second string team from a second tier nation appears to to be intact

23 02 2010
Clappamungus

When this form of bastardised cricket finally nails the coffin lid on test cricket’s mouldering corpse, I will mourn. Until then, I refuse to watch it, and will pine for the days of lore where cricket was an ACTUAL TEST.

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