#81 – Ministry of Sound

9 02 2010

While the bogan can’t always decide whether its favourite country is Bali or Phuket, it knows that come Sundays, its favourite techno band is Ministry of Sound. Just like commercial radio, the Ministry of Sound corporation acts as a filter for the bogan, packaging the world of music into glamourously-branded compilations so that it doesn’t need to think, search, or be faced with the confusion of choice. The full spectrum of the bogan’s moods can thus be catered to, by MoS compilations like Maximum Bass Overdrive (fighty), Clubbers Guide (fighty/strutty), Chillout Sessions (fighty/strung out), and the MoS Annual (fighty/nostalgic).

While the bogan is unaware of the origins of Ministry of Sound, it knows it’s something to do with Ibiza in the Greek Islands, which is probably full of hot sluts. If a song is too slow for the club, the bogan knows that Ministry can be relied upon to staple a programmed kick drum and a pneumatic buzzing synth sound to it. If a song is too frenetic for a Sunday afternoon, the bogan knows that Ministry agrees, has removed the kick drum, and called in some chick who sounds like Enya to sigh it over a sample of breaking waves and wind chimes. The bogan is safe from harm in its ministerial cocoon.

By fencing off the galaxy of music into a small pen, Ministry of Sound also enables the bogan to confidently participate in conversations about dance, electronic, and ambient music with its friends. Even better, the range of MoS branded apparel allows the bogan to physically affiliate itself with the logo, and then strut around like a DJ/celebrity. It feels at home near velvet ropes. The male bogan knows full well that an uptempo Ministry compilation is the correct mating call to pair with its plumage of large biceps and personalised numberplates while it competes for turf up and down popular nightclub strips.

Many a new bogan has heard the urban legend about the time that a bogan was in a metal club for its cousin’s birthday, unhappy with the confusing music that it didn’t know how to dance to. It approached the DJ booth, demanding that the DJ play some “fucking Ministry or something good”. Unexpectedly, the DJ nodded enthusiastically, and started playing an industrial metal song called “Jesus Built My Hotrod“. Few modern bogans have yet realised what went wrong, but many now cautiously add the “…of Sound” suffix to their request, just in case.


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205 responses

9 02 2010
Loftie

Leading to a generation of deaf bogans in the next 20 years??

9 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Such as “Choc-o-Block” did to their parents (and in many cases), grandparents.

9 02 2010
Tone

ROFL! Nice!

I bet when Ministry’s hot rod was built with the help of Jesus, it wasn’t a Chevrolet Commodore with 20″ chrome wheels and a subwoofer the size of Lake Macquarie in the boot.

19 02 2010
Faux-gan

No way man – it was a 1980 Torana SLR 5000, twin carby with Acca dacca in the tape-deck.

I used to go to Summernats with my dad when i was a boganling with my dad, Jesus was a busy mechanic in the 80’s

9 02 2010
j-ho

Love the Ministry urban legend… haha

9 02 2010
brad

gold

10 02 2010
Si

…So there was only one thing I could do…was ding-a-ding-dang my dang-along-ling-long.

9 02 2010
John Vardanega

“it knows its something to do with Ibiza in the Greek Islands, which its probably full of hot sluts”.

Beware the Grammar Police.

Noted and amended. We can’t well get around missing our basic apostrophe skills. Great catch! Only took about three minutes. TBL

9 02 2010
Anonymous Bosch

Strange, the Bogans I went to High School with were all over ‘Jesus Built My Hotrod’. It’s got that ‘Novelty Single’ air that Bogans always seem to respond to.

9 02 2010
Gav

At a recent summer music festival i saw a bogan branded with a large MoS tattoo on his (huge) right arm. (From reading your post and putting two and two together I can only assume it was his fighting arm?)

9 02 2010
Benjamin Hill

For some reason this doesn’t ‘gel’ with how I view a bogan, I mean ambient music? come off it. Bogans are hard core and would never let their guard down. I should know.

We need topics like ute musters, aussie slang, text message abbreviations, the Southern Eighty, soccer, international bogans i,e, Kiwi’s and shit like that.

9 02 2010
Indi

Seems you missed a few reels of the movie.

You rightly identify old school bogan activities and items, but the nouveau bogue is open to having almost anything marketed at it, and trying to look classy and sophistimacated, and that. Long consumer prosperity will do that.

I have also had the odd experience of hearing doof-doof coming out of a metallic lime green ute in the main street of Deni.

9 02 2010
Benjamin Hill

I can understand the doof doof part in Deni, although Barnsey seems more appropriate but ambient music? Nouveau, old school, middle school or private school, I ain’t buying it.

90% of the list is, as you say, nouveau bogue and in no way reflects any traditional bogan qualities, you know mullets, utes with big fucking spot lights and RM Williams stickers. Maybe it should have been TNBL?

9 02 2010
Sten

So what’s the problem? If you’re here, you’re probably well familar with the stereotypical tastes of the 80s Bogan (but I’ll re-iterate in no particular order… pies, footy, VB/New/XXXX, V8s, Chisel/Barnesy, mullets, flannelette, bourbon, anti-intellectualism, thongs or ugg boots etc)… but, just as Australian society has changed, so too has the Bogan… TBL are just reporting on the changing tastes of the almost self-same beast (let’s face it, New Bogans are just Old Bogans with a taste for conspicuous consumption, and national pride taken to the level of jingoism).

9 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. And an incomprehensible love of Christian Audigier.

9 02 2010
Sten

Conspicuous consumption (eyewateringly blatant and tasteless, in this case) at work again, Fiona.

9 02 2010
Simon

Fiona you need to see this. Covers for mobile phones, Ed Hardy design, price – $1000+. Not quite sure why the chick was chosen to do the promotion though.

http://videos.webpronews.com/2010/02/01/ed-hardy-goes-techie-with-icing-products/

9 02 2010
Edward

oh dear; I love how little Miss Bimbo pronounces “mobile”. Very bogan and a classic fail on the quest to sophistication.

23 02 2010
dizzy

bogans who would be seen “smashin’ up the clubs” on a saturday nite need something to come down to… hence MoS chil out sessions…

9 02 2010
j-ho

What’s the southern eighty?

9 02 2010
Benjamin Hill

http://www.southern80.com.au/

It’s a place where big time bogans go in groups of 50, camp out (ooh err) on the banks of the Murray River and drink bucket loads of piss. Oh and there’s a speed boat race as well.

9 02 2010
j-ho

oh, what a bogan festival

9 02 2010
Loftie

it is more of a bogan institution…

its a right of passage – much like the Deni Ute Muster, or jumping the fence at the Big Day Out…

I’ve been to a couple of Southern80’s… and it basically has everything a bogan wants…
Camping, Drinking, Chicks in Bikinis, drinking, Loud Motors buzzing, drinking, alcohol related merchandise, drinking, getting muddy, bonfires, drinking, lots of chevodore utes (to tow the boats), drinking, and at the end of the weekend there is trophies to the winner the race… followed by celebration (read: drinking)…

9 02 2010
Indi

Only thing missing is:

http://www.v8superboats.com.au/

Only the “International Professional Bullriding” on offer soon in Albury says old school bogan more.

9 02 2010
Lee

It’s like bathurst on the murray, but with boats an shit.

9 02 2010
Indi

The truly disturbing thing is the racing venue in Albury is NOT on the river. but in a large puddle – sorry, dam – a stone’s throw from the airport. Visions of air-borne boats colliding with Dash 8 s.

9 02 2010
Lee

I was talking about the Southern 80, but the jet sprints are pretty good too!

9 02 2010
Lee

Indi if I’m not mistaken that coincides with one of the few weekends that the Temora aviation museum is open. I want a joy flight in a spitfire!

9 02 2010
Indi

Someone in Albury has a P-51 Mustang in exquisite condition. Last time I was at the airport it was being flown around gleefully.

9 02 2010
Lee

Unreal!

27 08 2014
Bob

Whoa – can you imagine what that would be worth if it was genuine airframe or at least built up from original numbered parts. There can’t be many operational ones left and it is key mechanical icon to a great deal of post war US industrial based culture, ie Ford Mustang etc.

9 02 2010
Toddo

Benjamin, don’t you know any Bogans who are into ‘whale music’?
I had a Senior NaB manager in a previous job, that spent every lunch time explaining his latest diet that his 3rd wife had him on.
The guy was nearly 60 yrs old, and thought he was 25, worked purely to meet repayments on his retiree McMansion near a lake, and any $ left over went towards his next trip to Bali.
From what he explained, his routine every night was to get home, take his workboots off, and sit down on his new lounge in his giant home relaxing to whale music.

9 02 2010
toony

Wha? Soccer?? How do you figure that one Benny Hill? Bogans won’t go near football as its supposedly for poofs and wogs. No my friend, it’s Rugbys (?) League and Union all the way….. Ask a bogan anything about football (other than about Becks) like;
“Newcastle any chance of coming back up?”
or even
“Chelsea better with both Anelka and Drogba together?” and I can guarantee a bewildered response!

9 02 2010
Sten

Urk! I’d rather have my auditory canals gouged out with a screwdriver than listen to a minute of anything associated with Ministry Of Sound (incidentally, is that an Orwellian-sounding name or what?).

But yeah, I sure do remember Jesus Bulit my Hotrod… when I was about 15 or so, Ministry was one of my “gateway” bands which took me from my comofrtable Metal upbringing and introduced me to the dystopian world of Industrial music. God I’m glad the Bogans never got hold of that. I couldn’t imagine them walking around in Skinny Puppy or Frontline Assembly shirts – probably the closest we ever came to that was during the short-lived Rammstein craze of the early 2000s…

10 02 2010
Si

Heh. Or when bogan chicks got into pashing other bogan chicks when the dodgy club remix of NIN’s Closer came out.

9 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. The natives aren’t buying into this one so far TBL. Perhaps you’ve hit cut deep and hit their inner boganic nerve…

9 02 2010
Benjamin Hill

ROFLMFAO.

9 02 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

I am really pissed off the bogan appropriated Ministry of Sound for their own warped view of themselves and their “status”.

I have some pretty good MoS from 2000 and 2001. I suppose I feel a bit like original KoL fans before the boge got wind of “Sex on Fire” and completely usurped the band for their own asasine and ignorant devices.

Love the urban myth, except the dj would never have played “Jesus built my hotrod”, a bit to popular for a metal dj. “New World Order” would have been more appropriate 🙂

9 02 2010
Simon

I don’t think you can blame the bogan for KoL. The band made a decision to go for the market and they will have to ride the waves of derision from the old fans on their new yachts.

9 02 2010
j-ho

Yep, true. KoL (notice how it’s been abbreviated since the bogans love them?) made a fucking shit commercial radio nicklebackesque sounding album so they could be superstars. Fuck them….

9 02 2010
Simon

That’s the attitude, many bands have done it and deserve our scorn, just as those that stay true deserve our support. I believe that I am truly blessed as I have never had the misfortune of listening to MOS(hate techno/dance music, boring repetetive crap). I do have Ministry’s tape with Jesus built my Hotrod though.

19 02 2010
Faux-gan

When i was a little Bogan we used to vilify people who listened to MOS.

Now that i am a bigger bogan not much changed…

23 02 2012
Kev

Well spoken Simon, and I concur 100%. I don’t know why they call it “dance” music though – it’s undanceable and I found it took enough energy just staying awake to it, never mind dancing to it. It can’t really be called music either – how appropriate they call themselves the Ministry of Sound.

9 02 2010
Robbie

Benjamin Hill – how does Soccer factor into your Bogan equation??
Bogan’s see soccer as ‘wog ball’ and soccer players as a ‘pack of poofs’!

9 02 2010
Benjamin Hill

Exactly, they like taking the piss out if it.

9 02 2010
Simon

Wogans LOVE soccer Robbie, any ethnicity can be just as bogan as the next.

9 02 2010
Benjamin Hill

Yep, it’s somewhere to go to punch on, light flares and throw shit.

9 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. When did this become about tennis? I thought you were discussing soccer.

9 02 2010
Edward

it is called FOOTBALL – bogans call it soccer

9 02 2010
Simon

No Edward, people who don’t care about it call it soccer because it pisses people who do like it off greatly. See it works!

9 02 2010
Mark

primary use of feet non egg shaped ball = football

9 02 2010
brad

soccer i says

19 11 2010
Martin

Actually the English called it soccer first, when the game split up into rugby football and association football. Soccer was a shortened version of association.

9 02 2010
Simon

Bingo, Bogan.

9 02 2010
Carlos the Jackal

That sounds just like the Adelaide United vs Melbourne Victory game I worked at – there were plenty of bogans there, as well as the usual wogan crowd…

9 02 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

Any form of football will have a huge % of bogan there.

Doesn’t mean it is exclusively bogan.

As someone else pointed out, this blog is not called Things bogans exclusively like, on the contrary, it is the usurping of certain persuits that the bogan thinks will enhance its status, or its primeval instinct to hunt in packs or be in tribes that creates the NaB.

Most footy bogans are actually old school.

9 02 2010
Bogue

…and brainlessly repeat the hurled ethnic abuse their parents taught them. After security has evicted said wogan, and they’ve waded through traffic waving a flag of some description (cautious to avoid pedestrian crossing in order to create an obstruction), burn-outs in front of Hindmarsh Stadium are the order of the day! Viva the World Game ‘n’ that.

9 02 2010
Mark

Bogans don’t like soccer! Find the various “fuck the World Cup, ALF rulz!” groups on Facebook and you’ll see what I mean

10 02 2010
clairebbbear

ALF rules?

Nah – I think bogans prefer Diff’rent Strokes, or maybe Perfect Strangers…

10 02 2010
Bogue

It’s the Melmac residents that really ruin this forum.

9 02 2010
berihebi

The upside of being old and a bit of a nerd is that I don’t spend too much time in places that play Ministry of Sound. I did do a trial visit to the gym once where they were pumping it out but I was too lazy to go back so was spared more of it. That’s also the upside of being lazy.

9 02 2010
Bogue

Thankfully, I’m not aware of ever hearing it…or at least not anything I can identify as MoS. Obviously it’s nightclub fodder, or the panel-rattling muffled crud that spews fourth from every second Nissan Skyline?

9 02 2010
Loftie

that is one of my favourite things about RICE cars and Bogans…
They never secure the rear numberplate well enough, which means that everytime that ‘fullsik subwoofa’ thumps… the numberplate rattles like an old tin can…

not really relevant to the bogue-steerer (driver) as he can’t hear the rattle in the car…
but every single pedestrian can – louder than his ‘systum’ is pumping thats for sure…

9 02 2010
Bogue

Being a non-insured, highly financed JDM import, it’s likely their Veilslide drift machine doesn’t feature the correct numberplate mounts.

10 02 2010
Si

My gym plays appalling music. There’s one cd they play that has some guy with a speech impediment/intellectual disability doing Elvis covers. I thought the apocalypse was on the way one day when half-way through my workout I copped 3 songs in a row from the High School Musical soundtrack. But the worst is some MoS-esque CD that has – I shit you not – a nasally, whining chick doing a doof cover of Beds Are Burning. I’ve now invested in a Shuffle and loaded it up with good aggressive stuff. In a room full of middle-aged women I get to do my thing to March of the Pigs and leave for work a much calmer woman.

9 02 2010
Tubesteak

I dint find this funny. I find it sad and depressing.

I used to go to nightclubs, raves and dance parties before MoS came out and then when it was just another label among the many. I even remember some of the early MoS compilations that were pretty good and featured some unknown artists.

It now disturbs me that dance music festivals are now mainstream and adopted by bogans who aren’t there for the vibe but to Get Smashed, Jump Around, Wear Flouro, Pick Up and Go Off.

If I wasn’t so old, lazy and unable to tolerate large groups of people I would go to one of these festivals.

Yesterday I was asked who Armand van Helden and Busta Rhymes were by some Gen Y ignoramii who frequent these festivals. RIP music………

9 02 2010
Loftie

RIP Music…

If Armand van Helden and Busta Rhymes are who you are measuring ‘music’ by… that is quite scary…

9 02 2010
Tone

IAW Loftie.

Grandmaster Flash and Kraftwerk are far better yardsticks against which to measure hip-hop and electronic respectively.

9 02 2010
Bogue

RIP music! Well, you should be on stage when you plug in (shock, gasp) a real guitar (i.e. not a Guitar Hero plug-in) and see the annoyed faces of the Gen Y bogan, as if you had emmitted flactulence and blown a loud horn in their face simultaneously. Yet, the same bogan would leap onto their feet and dance wildly to Basement Jaxx ‘Where’s Your Head At’ in 5 seconds, given the same opportunity at the same time in the same venue. I fear music has been dying for some time.

9 02 2010
Simon

Bogue, history has a way of repeating itself. In the 80’s we went down the same path with horrible synth music or lame generic rock and hair metal. That phase threw up Pixies, Sonic Youth, Fugazi etc as a reaction against the lameness and that was all for the good. Could we be so lucky again?

9 02 2010
Bogue

I certainly hope so…alas, I’ll be too old to enjoy it. I didn’t leave my room during the 1980’s, sheltering amongst old Slade and Humble Pie albums until the arrival of Ride and Swervedriver. Like the Prince being thrown Repunzelle’s (spelling? Perhaps a NaB baby name) hair, I was released. However, now I’m rapidly losing interest, and Repunzelle ain’t what she used to be.

9 02 2010
Simon

I hear your pain. The radio has me stumped, what do you listen to? too young for talk back, Triple J going (gone) to the dogs and don’t start me on commercial radio.

9 02 2010
Loftie

I noticed that Scott Dooley (aka:Dools) is now on NOVA with Merrick and Riki-Lee Coulter…

Interesting combination…

There’s been a few of late that have come from JJJ
Merrick & Rosso, Myf Warhurst, etc…

Never thought Dools would go across to commercial radio… he was one of the strong opposition to the ‘icey cold cans of coke’ and the ‘black thunders’ with their ‘secret sounds’…

9 02 2010
Simon

Yeah, but so was Wil before he went commercial.

9 02 2010
Bogue

3d Radio…it’s like monotonous talkback, hits ‘n’ memories and new music at the same time. Otherwise, my iPod. I’m glad you share my pain Simon…misery loves company just as much as Ministry does.

When Triple J went live off-air a couple years ago, due to strike action, they replayed old shows from the early 1980’s through to the mid 1990’s…what an ear-opener that was! The station has been all but hijacked by some kind of NaB festival going hipster cross-over…I blame ‘Roots music’ for leaving the door open to the bogans cousin, the hippie.

9 02 2010
Valo

Don’t forget Triple J’s love of Aussie Hip Hop, which they ram down our throats at every opportunity. It seems every 3rd song is some second rate Aussie Hip Hop group getting middle class gangsta.

9 02 2010
Bogue

Oh yes, with lots of talk about ‘summa daaayz’ and kickin’ back with some friends, as if the exaggerated Australian accent makes it somehow more credible and artistic.

11 02 2010
Shane

Wiggers.

9 02 2010
reparty

God damn! I remember a 3D tshirt from the mid-90’s, fashioned after the whole Triple J “Follow the Leader” thing with white sheep following a black one. 3D version had the black one dead with “Scene but not herd” underneath.
And on dance music and the bogan…..I broke my no festival rule to go see Underworld here at the Gold Coast. Fuck me, idiots wondering when they’d play ‘Born Slippy’, asking me if I had “any pillz brus?” The cream was on the bus back…..roided up NAB’s telling the bus driver to “fuckin’ drop us in Surfers cunt”, then going on how Toca’s “I need a Miracle” MoS remix was sik. And singing it too.

9 02 2010
toony

Depends on where you live Simon. I’m unfortunate enough to live in Brisbane yet fortunate to have 4ZZZ. No playlists so you get a wide variety of music and news. Australias oldest community radio station. If you haven’t got any local public broadcasters, the Zeds stream.

http://www.4zzzfm.org.au/ (click listen online up the top)

9 02 2010
Simon

Adelaide Toony.

9 02 2010
reparty

Problem with the Zed’s is that you can hear a fantastic song and they won’t back announce it for half an hour. Then they won’t put the playlist on the website, so you’re stuck. But hey, still heard 100 more bands that I like than listening to JJJ…..noe only if I can fix the reception down here on the Gold Coast!

9 02 2010
toony

Reparty, if you want to know a song title/band, just ring ’em up. 32521555 and ask for studio. We are an obliging mob 😉

Simon, give the stream a crack? Of an evening it’s a bit partisan with gay/dance/lesbian/kiwi/prisoner programs on, but hey! Spice of life.

12 02 2010
Whistling Nixie

I’d love to see Triple Zed introduce RDS (so far, only commercial stations have this).

9 02 2010
James

Rapunzel. Repunzelle is indeed the bogan version.

9 02 2010
brad

and the beat goes on simon early 90s indie music was a godsend for a while because of aforementioned bands until jjj went national and then every coverband from coast too coast were playing smashing pumpkins to appear edgey

9 02 2010
James

There is a bogan female in our apartment block who is in her early thirties and listens to the Veronicas and Taylor Swift (or at least that is what my daughter assures me it is) constantly. On the weekend we were having a bit of a clean, and I was playing The Freewheeling Bob Dylan, and she had the nerve to ask me to turn it down. I was outraged that she thinks it is good to listen to the Veronicas (FFS, the Veronicas!) really really loud, but Blowin’ in the Wind, Girl from the North Country and Don’t Think Twice its Alright is not. Reading your post gave me the same feeling just now Bogue.

9 02 2010
Bogue

Rapunzool told me I was a dud bash too.

9 02 2010
Indi

I have found Mahler stumps them. It’s really loud for very long periods, but without a drum beat, an’ classical an’ that. I suggest Symphony No 1 – you’ll pick it up for $9.99 or less on Naxos – and go shopping if it’s not to your taste.

9 02 2010
James

I’ll give it a try Indi. Thanks.

9 02 2010
Jimmy

Tone wrote:
“Grandmaster Flash and Kraftwerk are far better yardsticks against which to measure hip-hop and electronic respectively.”

I saw grandmaster flash last year. He played ACDC to a group of fluro clad wasted bogans jumping up and down. He mixed the entire set on his Mac. Not a single turntable on stage. Not sure about that yardstick anymore either…

9 02 2010
Tubesteak

Loftie
The irony is that one of Armand van Helden’s first albums had a Playboy Mansion theme and was included in it’s title

NABs did not even know this. This is simultaneously funny and depressing

9 02 2010
SM Adelaide

Tubesteak, you have my symphathy…they did the same thing to Rock n roll – as the Phillip Seymour Hoffman journalist in Almost Famous predicts – they will take the music, strangle the life out of it and turn it into an industry of cool.

Fortunately there will always be new bands/artists playing good music, just don’t fall for them so hard that you get dissappointed when people rock up to their gigs/raves purely to say they where somewhere with cool cred whilst engaging in the hedonism of drugs and booze

9 02 2010
LindaD

Excuse me, Benjamin Hill, but Kiwis aren’t international bogans. The average Kiwi, in fact, has more modesty and better manners than the average Australian.

9 02 2010
berihebi

sheep rooter

9 02 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

damn straight.

If bogan was a geographical location, it would be called new Zealand.

Their version of Upstairs Downstairs is Outregeous Fortune (doesn’t matte rwho hard they try – even partial quoting Shakespeare – Slings and Arrows of…, the characters in that show are considered upper class and dignified in Nw Zlnd).

And as berihebi states the national pastime is sheep rooting.

9 02 2010
Tone

Motorway Patrol pretty much confirms that NZ does have it’s fair share of kiwi bogans. I remember seeing an episode once where a cop told some NZB that was busted for driving without a licence that if he was caught driving again, he’d be arrested. Sure enough, NZB was caught driving again just a few minutes later.

After a low-speed car chase, NZB finally gives himself up, the cop goes over to arrest him and said ‘you’re under arrest, you know your rights eh’. The cop cbf reading NZB his rights, he just said ‘you know your rights eh’. Classic!

9 02 2010
Sten

Heh heh… they’ve got a few shows like that… I seem to remember one revolving around their Fisheries patrol, trying to catch people who’d taken undersized scallops and the like. Somehow, I just don’t think that’d be exciting enough TV for today’s Bogan.

9 02 2010
berihebi

God I hate scallop poachers!

9 02 2010
Indi

The sequel, Bouillion Court is pretty good, though.

9 02 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

“Somehow, I just don’t think that’d be exciting enough TV for today’s Bogan”

What about Survivor: Scallop Poaching, or
Scallop Poaching gone Wild?

9 02 2010
Simon

X-treme Fruits de Mer. Classy and dangerous

9 02 2010
Sten

Hahaha… nice one, Simon! Shame most Bogans can barely speak English, let alone French.

9 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I can (sadly) visualise the Ed Hardy wetsuit the poachers would be wearing…

9 02 2010
Tone

Probably to make themselves look like Really Big versions of the very expensive tropical fish they attempt to keep at home.

9 02 2010
Tone

True.

Compare Border Security (Au) with Border Patrol (NZ). Border Security jumps between 3 stories, spending 30 seconds or less at a time on each one. The 3 stories are usually (a) American drama queens with visa issues, (b) something to do with drugs and (c) Asians with dodgy food.

Border Patrol also has 3 stories, but each story is told in full before going to the next one. Yes, Border Patrol does the same stories as Border Security. I’m guessing NZBs have longer attention spans than Aussie bogans, and they say stuff like ‘I’m not racist but … eh bro!’.

9 02 2010
Apple Pie

Aussie on holiday in NZ…comes across kiwi in paddock who is rooting a sheep.

Disgusted Aussie: ” Hey mate… in Australia, we shear those ! ”

Amorous Kiwi: ” Bro, I’m not shearing this with anybody ! “

9 02 2010
Simon

Kiwis come to Australia because they think the Canning Stock Route is an annual event.

An oldy but a goody.

9 02 2010
Loftie

on the flipside (and pardon my ignorance)

but what are the kiwi jokes about aussies???

9 02 2010
AlyssaKT

Oh I have one!
Aussie goes to EnZid to visit a Kiwi mate who works on a sheep station.
Kiwi is showing him around the property when they come across a sheep stuck in a barbed wire fence.
Kiwi goes over and has his way with sheep.
Turns to Aussie when finished and says “Now it’s your turn, eh, Bro”.
And so the Aussie goes and sticks his head in the barbed wire fence.

(I’m an Aussie but I hear our jokes ‘slagging off’ Kiwis all the time, thought this was a fun one to remember when I heard it.)

9 02 2010
Bogue

InZid…the land of the long flat vowel sound.

9 02 2010
Indi

Surely the short flet vowel sound, and the Land of the Long White Sock.

9 02 2010
Benjamin Hill

What’s long and hard and fucks Kiwi’s?

Kindergarten.

9 02 2010
Linda

LOL!!!!!!!

9 02 2010
Apple Pie

Q: What do ya call a kiwi who wears a shirt and a tie ?
A: The Defendant

9 02 2010
Lee

Q: What do Kiwis and sperm have in common?

A: A million come out but only one works.

13 02 2010
Mick

Q: How do Kiwis spell sheep?

A: They don’t root them for a week.

9 02 2010
brad

how do kiwis find they’re sheep in long grass?
delightful

9 02 2010
Lee

Ha ha haaaa, that is piss funny Brad!

9 02 2010
Benjamin Hill

Sorry Linda, this site has a way of shattering one’s beliefs.

9 02 2010
Going bogue

NZ itself is full of more old school bogans. The problem is all the ones who move over here and / or their offspring who have to taken to Australian NAB behaviour like ducks to water. This is, in my opinion, due to the way that many Aussie NABs exhalt their kiwi bogan brethren, especially those of Island or Maori extraction. If you ever happen to see a group of Islanders or Maoris at, say, a shopping centre, you’ll always notice a little lapdog NAB following closely.

9 02 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

Kiwi/Sheep jokes on this forum? A few of you guys have been outed I am afraid. Cheap racism disguised as banter is and always will be “Champagne Bogan Comedy”.

9 02 2010
Bogue

…baaa.

9 02 2010
James

Does New Zealander count as a race?

9 02 2010
Bogue

It depends, Maori would be race, Caucasian would be race. Maybe only Caucasian Australian’s are allowed to make jokes about Caucasian New Zillanders, ergo avoiding the racist tag.

9 02 2010
Simon

Must be countryism, any way NZ sheep jokes are always funny and if that means there is a bit of bogan in me I can live with that.

9 02 2010
James

Just listened to some of this rubbish on youtube, and my God it is awful! Admittedly, I listen to Bob Dylan, so I may not be fit to comment on what constitutes good music, but this Ministry crap is repetitive, crass and annoying. Is there no depth to which the nouveau bogue will not sink?

9 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Are you being rhetorical? There is, of course no depth they’ll leave unplumbed…

9 02 2010
James

A fact which I am, post by post, discovering more and more with each day that passes Fiona. Even though some idealistic part of me hopes that they have at least some shred of humanity.

9 02 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

In other news police are looking for a overbuilt upper bodied man in an Ed Hardy tee, seen driving off in a Chevvy ute to the doof doof of MoS after give this cunt what he deserved

http://www.theage.com.au/national/nightclub-glassing-leaves-victim-with-horrific-injuries-20100209-nnt9.html

9 02 2010
Anonymous Bosch

This isn’t as confusing as people think: the concept here is not purely the awful music, but the whole Branding Process that has made Ministry Of Sound an Industry far beyond simply putting out mix cds.

This ties back to the whole 80’s ‘herd mentality’ / ‘anti-intellectual’ style of Bogan. You don’t need to risk ostracism as risky stylistic choices don’t have to be made: you simply buy whatever displays the branded logo.

I actually suspect that fierce Brand Loyalty, (including the concept of *anything* being able to be turned into such a brand), is the major hallmark of the Modern Bogue. Even their tribal tatts – it’s all a case of not having to think, just buy.

9 02 2010
BG

Exhibit A: Ed Hardy ‘Rockstar’ bowling alleys

9 02 2010
Bogue

Anyone remember Ripper compilations, or Stars on 45? This is generational boganity. I was reminising about Dino Records and their string of non-original artist compilations, thinking it was a ‘lost art’, and then came Australian Idol and Glee. Suddenly, my reminising turned to nightmarish reality again.

9 02 2010
Indi

Who wrote all that stuff on some poor girl’s arse, and in what medium?

9 02 2010
Nate

I took this photo at Stereosonic in Brisbane in 2008 which combines two of the bogues favourite things…

9 02 2010
berihebi

You were attracted by his jocks hanging out weren’t you Nate

9 02 2010
Simon

No, it was the mandana.

9 02 2010
Loftie

oh dear god – i thought TBL was joking about ministry of sound tattoos…

9 02 2010
Indi

Just two? I thought having no muscle tone was for skinny bogan chicks.

9 02 2010
Bogue

No, as long as you have the girth to carry it, it’s a bogan right of passage. If you can’t get huge, be huge. Otherwise, you’re woik.

9 02 2010
Indi

So you’re saying he worked to get his twentysomething body like that? Nice ab.

9 02 2010
Bogue

Slab ab.

9 02 2010
Benjamin Hill

It’s unfortunate that his mates are too piss weak tell him that the stretch marks, sunburn and the bandana (tucked under the faux mullet) won’t attract any ladies, ever.

What is also unfortunate is that we don’t know how these poor souls will turn out later in life. If you had of known he was going to be like that you would of knocked it on the head at birth.

9 02 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

Holy shit. People actually get Ministry of Sound logo tatoos??

What in gods name is wrong with these people???

I mean, I can almost understand a tribal tatoo, but a commercial logo? Whats next, the Golden Arches???

FFS

9 02 2010
Gav

I think I saw that person at SummaFieldDayze as well… Things Bogans Like – Ruining Music Festivals

9 02 2010
persephone

Oh, that is truly horrendous. YUCK!!! You know that in 20 years time it will have faded into a massive smeared blob. And those underpants!

9 02 2010
Simon

You mean the dude?

9 02 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

Actually a longer look at that pic reveals a fair range of bogan persuits and accessories, big sunnies on the femmebogue, MoS tatoo (FFS) and mandana on the male bogue, a can of enerhy drink, and even in the backroung one can spot some kind of printed tee.

Nice capture of bogan in its natural habatit.

9 02 2010
Indi

Just needs a David Attenborough voice-over.

9 02 2010
Bogue

Oh gawd, I don’t want to see them mate, the ritual for attracting a partner would be nauseating enough!

9 02 2010
Indi

Well, you could just have the dramatic ‘glassing’ segment, or the happy bogan grazing in his ancestral grounds, the summer pilgrimage to festivals the length of the east coast, or the search for a new home sequences.

9 02 2010
Bogue

Charging the HSV 200 meters across the ashphalt tundra to the local MacDonalds drive-thru, to trap and capture its prey?

9 02 2010
Indi

You want a seqeunce of innocent hamburgers being born, little suspecting that they are simply the base of the bogan pyramid of life?

9 02 2010
Bogue

Nature, it can be so cruel. Did you know that hamburgers are born in clusters (know as ‘shifts’), that then make a break for the front counter as soon as they are born? Sadly, as they que up waiting to make their dash to freedom, almost all are pecked off by predators…very few survive, and of the survivors, almost all are Fillet-o-Fish.

9 02 2010
Indi

And the final shot of the carpark littered with their shells, and back to an orphaned FOF looking dazed out from behind the counter.

9 02 2010
Bogue

Sniff. Sob. 😦

9 02 2010
Indi

It’s only a story.

9 02 2010
Jarrrydd

Hey TBL, there’s probably a whole entry to be had on the bogan’s love of “that bit in that song”, where “that bit” comprises a sample of an entirely different song to which the bogan is oblivious. in fact, the bogan would probably glass the cunt who tried to play the original at a party.

Some examples off the top of my head:

Eric Prydz’s ‘Call On Me’ sampling Steve Winwood’s ‘Valerie’

Utah Saints’ ‘Something Good’ sampling Kate Bush’s ‘Cloudbusting’ (OK that’s going back a while)

Everything by Fatboy Slim

Rihanna’s SOS sampling Soft Cell’s ‘Tainted Love’

…and indeed almost anything vaguely ‘R&B’ (cough cough) in the Top 40.

I did witness a bogan singing the Elton John sample from 2Pac’s “Ghetto Gospel” on the train a couple of days ago. If he knew he was singing the part of a 62 year old flamboyantly gay British knight, he would not have been pleased. TBL

9 02 2010
Keeping Kosher Klansman

Excellent idea. Don’t forget the Gary Numan synth sample in ‘Where’s Your Head At?’

9 02 2010
Bogue

Or the many crimes against Elvis Costello’s ‘Pump It Pump’ administered in the name of the bogan buck over the years.

9 02 2010
Lukas

SPOT ON

9 02 2010
Kris

Where did the ‘THINGS BOGANS WILL LIKE’ thread go to TBL? Because ‘Feb Fast’ needs to be added there STAT….

(I’ve a scary feeling that it’s the new Movember)… **Shudders**

On the upside (in the bogan ahem, “mind” at least) ‘Feb Fast’ = the perfect opportunity for all the femme bogues to “get back to their pre-baby weight’ and a great excuse to suck down some more Boost Juice of course.

9 02 2010
Indi

Is this what used to be known as Lent?

9 02 2010
Bogue

Now known as Lease, sponsored by Radio Rentals

9 02 2010
Kat

I can sympathise with the bogan in this instance – the vast number of subgenre’s in techno (can we even call some of it techno?) is pretty confusing. I thought about exploring what it all meant once and decided I couldn’t be bothered. I really do understand not wanting to be an expert in everything – especially when 70% of it is not worth knowing about.

However, I also do not own any MoS compilations.

9 02 2010
Kris

@ Indi:
No LENT begins on Feb 17. Feb Fast is a whole different beast:

http://www.febfast.com.au/

9 02 2010
Indi

Timing aside Kris, it’s looking pretty much like a Lent substitute to me. There are even Time Out days, which my most devout friend designated Holy Days of Obligation in Lent, to allow her to drink alcohol occasionally Did they start with pancakes?

9 02 2010
berihebi

Wasn’t this originially Sober for October? did they not get enough people sober back then?

9 02 2010
Benjamin Hill

I think it coincided with Oktoberfest and Angry Anderson didn’t know what the fuck to do.

9 02 2010
Simon

But fasting means not eating , not not drinking. Can’t even get that bit right.

9 02 2010
Simon

Ok looked it up and am wrong on this one, fasting can be food or drink, carry on children. Sorry for the interuption.

9 02 2010
Going bogue

Most bogan house / electro / electronica song of all-time?

9 02 2010
Going bogue

Fedde Le Grand’s ‘Put your hands up for Detroit’ has to feature in the top 5.

9 02 2010
Lee

The amount of people I heard with that as their ring tone was astomishing. Then all of a sudden it disappeared.

9 02 2010
berihebi

How about the one about the Rolex?

9 02 2010
Lee

Fuck, I had forgotten about this piece of excrement untill now. Thanks berihebi this will be stuck in my head for a while now! Might spoon the insides out of my ears……….

10 02 2010
Simon

May be wrong Genre but The Prodigy (pile of smelly poo that they are) push all the bogan buttons. Burning shit, beating up their chick etc. Most bogan band ever!

10 02 2010
Lee

…….”smack my bitch up”……..

10 02 2010
Simon

That’s the one.

10 02 2010
Bogue

Along with the faux-lesbian filmclip (or is it faux…tantilising)

10 02 2010
Simon

Faux of shit. They try so hard and suck so much.

23 04 2015
powerlounge

From their one and only really safe, commercial record. The rest of their stuff is actually ahead of the curve IMO.

Electronic punk, but not for everyone.

23 04 2015
powerlounge

Yet bogans have never really gotten into them. They prefer the safer stuff that gets thrashed to death on MoS and B105

9 02 2010
Lee

We left out MoS Breaks……

9 02 2010
Kris

another contender would have to be ‘FINALLY 2008″ (the remixed/remake of CC Peniston’s ‘Finally’ from about 1992)

9 02 2010
Going bogue

What about Mylo’s ‘Drop the pressure’ which bogans loved for featuring the MF word.

God there’s so many…

9 02 2010
Nelson Esq

“While the bogan is unaware of the origins of Ministry of Sound, it knows it’s something to do with Ibiza in the Greek Islands, which is probably full of hot sluts.”

Oh that is good! How I laughed!

Does the bogue listen to Ministry of Sound when taking last years designer drug?

9 02 2010
chris

It took a while but i’ve found a bogan trait in myself , i love drum n bass dubstep and minimal 😦

9 02 2010
reparty

Drum n bass and dubstep bogan? Both are too complex for them, D ‘n B too fast/not throw your hands up enough, and dubstep just way too grimey for their tastes. How do I know? Have played heaps of both at work and the bogan will always say “put on sum fukkin tekkers will ya? This is shite. Here, I’ve got the new Skitzmix”

9 02 2010
chris

haha i really hate skitzmix, im really into liquid Dnb ❤

9 02 2010
chris

i think in the uk Dnb, bassline, dubstep is really popluar with the “chavs” so i guess its only a matter of time before Australia catches up and ruins a good genre.

9 02 2010
dazz

They have also hijacked JBT. – another post perhaps, loosely linked to hijacking Triple J.

9 02 2010
Lee

Can we do something about this fucking “tick tock” song that is getting flogged to death? It just played on the tele ( 7two) and I nearly put my foot through it.

9 02 2010
Going bogue

I can’t wait for the Hilltop Hoods post!

10 02 2010
James

That’s gonna be heaps good.

11 02 2010
Shane

Wiggaz!

9 02 2010
Albert

Magnificent site!
Bogans I have known love the new age music! The female of the species listens to it while giving Jaiyden his latest homeopathic medicine to cure his ADHD (which by the way is the school’s fault!).

9 02 2010
Felyshya

For some reason the name ‘ministry of sound’ reminds me of the various ministries within the party in Orwell’s 1984. Proliferation of human independent speech and thought in its entirety…

10 02 2010
Tone

Hmm. ‘MoS’ could also stand for “Mountain of Shit”. Co-incidence?

11 02 2010
GuyLeDouche

“Male Oral Syphilis”

I’m glad this one got the work over, it’s all true.

The bogues of my era had never heard of Ministry, They where too busy destroying the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Nirvana

25 02 2010
Bob

I used to like Ministry….

19 03 2010
DJ Trevor

sorry to be a bogan, but ibiza is in spain…

23 04 2015
powerlounge

Most bogans don’t know that, whence the reference

9 06 2010
Jason

ASoT > MoS

20 10 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

I know a variant of the Ministry urban legend to be true.

I once managed to convince a couple of drunk boguettes to come to a metal night I was promoting as they were passing by – mostly because I liked my chances once it ended.

One blast of thrash metal later and their brains were scrambled and they started hassling the band to “play something we can dance to” and the DJ’s response was to throw on Slayer. Naturally, they started running soon after and I did not sleep with either of them.

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