#68 – Functional Water

20 01 2010

In the last decade, two products making little sense but extracting exorbitant amounts of money from the bogan have proliferated on the shelves of Australian supermarkets. Item number one is water in a bottle. Although widely available from a tap for less than one two thousandth of the price, the bogan happily pays more for a litre of water than it does for a litre of petrol. Because it’s conveniently packaged in a shiny plastic bottle, and it has a brand.

The second is vitamins. Also in a bottle. Always looking for an easier but more expensive way of doing things, the bogan happily hands over $15-20 for a bottle of vitamin C, cold pressed fish oil or specially formulated emu’s knob, despite the fact that most of these vitamins and minerals are present in everyday fresh food items or offer only spurious nutrional benefit. Vitamin pills promising vague but appealing outcomes such as “vitality” appeal strongly to the hypochondriasis that many bogans selectively commandeer to attract attention. It should come as no surprise that the corporate junta’s latest assault on the bogan hip pocket should combine these two bogan-approved products.

Enter ‘functional water.’ Water that does shit. 2000 years after biblical literalists vow that water allowed an amazing prophet to walk on it, product marketers have risen to a god-like level by creating another amazing profit on it.

Not content with the astronomical profit margins and environmental damage incurred by bottled water, beverage manufacturers worked out that by adding red food colouring and supplements like ‘dragonfruit’ and ‘triple antioxidants,’ they could charge the bogan 4000 times the price of tap water.

With x-treme names like ‘power C’ and ‘triple X’ (there is a strong link between product names featuring the letter X, and popularity amongst bogans –see future entry) and promising seemingly magical properties, vitamin water promises the bogan incredible attributes such as endurance, power, and energy.

After finally gaining traction with its massive cans, the Coca Cola company is at the centre of the functional water heist. Its glacéau vitaminwater (replete with exotic Euro diacritic) product displays an alarming understanding of the bogan. The company has allocated some of the phenomenal profit margin to paying for product placement on Sex and the City, and getting bogan idols Jennifer Aniston and 50 cent to endorse its product. It has also created a pointless Facebook group for the product, which the bogan may join to construct its brand-based identity.

The outcome of all of this can be seen at your local gym, where the male bogan is getting huge next to the female bogan who is getting tiny. Both of them are proudly carrying a $4.50 bottle of brightly coloured and branded water, empowered by the fact that 0.3 ml of dragonfruit will make their bogan dreams come true.


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206 responses

20 01 2010
Trina

‘Jayden we’re not going anywhere until ya finish ya vitamins’ – direct quote overheard while waiting outside a suburban Brisbane courthouse (I was there for professional not criminal reasons). Bogan mother was addressing her approx. 5 year old son, chugging down an orange flavoured bottle of that stuff!

20 01 2010
berihebi

Weird, if she’d just told him to finish his orange lolly drink he would have been more likely to comply.

20 01 2010
Christopher Rimmer

Such beautiful writing, I can’t stop laughing!

20 01 2010
Brimstone

Not a bogan, not religious in the slightest, but ‘2000 years after creationists vow that water allowed an amazing prophet to walk on it’ is a weird sentence. that should be Christians, not creationists… not all Christians are creationists

Fair enough, too. Consider it amended. – TBL

10 02 2011
GrilledCheesus

…but the comment didn’t imply that all Christians are creationists. Just that all creationists believe in Jesus.

20 01 2010
berihebi

Goji Juice does wonders for my vitality.

20 01 2010
Nelson Esq

A few years ago after a recommendation I tried goji and it does increase your vitality. It’s hard to find and bloody expensive, so I haven’t had any since.

20 01 2010
berihebi

Yes, it also cures cancer and it’s very exclusive. At $40 a litre no wonder all the Hollywood stars are drinking it.

20 01 2010
Anonymous Bosch

You’re not looking too hard: Goji Juice is available at any Coles Supermarket. If you actually read the label closely, it is basically padded with about 99% Apple Juice, so that one percent of Goji Berry is the difference between a two litre bottle of Apple Juice that costs $2, and a 500ml ‘exclusive magical wonder health drink’ that costs upwards of $30.

I have ongoing health problems, and every Bogan I unfortunately know has preached the Goji Berry Cure to me.

This about sums it up:

http://blogs.smh.com.au/thedailytruth/archives/2007/06/berry_bad_things.html

20 01 2010
Nelson Esq

That acticle is pretty much spot on. I bought some about 5 years ago from an acquaintence who was a chiropractor and into natural therapies. My mistake was commenting to her how well she looked and that started the whole Goji conversation. She claimed it was the newest and next big thing in ‘wellness’, that she felt better on it and had more energy and told me all about the cancer fighting proerties etc etc…and she just happened to have some bottles in her car which were meant to be for sale at her practice! How convenient!! Being pretty run down at that time and wanting to shut her up, I said OK, I’ll give it a go…unfortunately for me I didn’t ask the price first! Well fuck me…it better be good, I thought, for what she asked me to hand over in the folding stuff.

I remember reading the story on the side of the bottle about how the goji berry has been a big secret in the Himalayas for centuries or whatever and it read like a passage of the ‘Celestine Prophecy’ (another load of crap..and don’t get me started on that one!) but took the 30ml shot every day as instructed. This stuff wasn’t mixed with apple juice.

I have to say that I did feel better and a little more energised while taking it. But then again, I feel good after a glass of OJ too. But for the ‘bang-for-your-buck’ factor, I couldn’t see the any value buying it again, so have never actually looked for it anywhere else.

20 01 2010
Simon

I get the same feeling from Red Wine.

20 01 2010
Nelson Esq

That would be the anti-oxidants in the red wine doing their job!

20 01 2010
John Vardanega

The sincere response to glory juices and change-your-life cocktails is that, after all these years, aloe vera still remains one of the most beneficial plants for humans. The pure stuff is rather reasonably priced (for an alternative-lifestyle liquid, at least). And if the bottle you find yourself holding in your hand isn’t 100% juice, put it back and look for some that is. It ain’t too hard to find for around $3-4/litre.

6 08 2014
jd

The reason Goji Berries make you feel vitalised is that they have an extremely high concentration of sugar in them. You might as well have a Red Bull, they’re a lot cheaper and easy to find!

20 01 2010
Kris

do you chug it down after you’ve taken your HORNY GOAT WEED tablets for virility…

20 01 2010
bec

Deserves linking, I guess…

http://www.badscience.net/2006/11/the-awful-poo-lady/

If it weren’t so WASPified, I’d label the whole alternative ‘medicine’ scam as a very bogan thing. Jury’s out, I guess?

20 01 2010
Nelson Esq

I’m glad I have shares in Coca-Cola Amatil, so I too can profit from the bogans unsatiable desire for drinking massive cans of energy drink and vitamin water.

20 01 2010
James

Don’t you mean insatiable?

20 01 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

Dont you mean sensatiable? As in “Mate ‘e took a sensatiable mark!”

20 01 2010
Nelson Esq

yes…typo…the i is next to the u…

20 01 2010
James

Excellent. Got worried for a moment there – if Nelson Esq turns bogan, what hope is left for the rest of us?

20 01 2010
Nelson Esq

Good point; I don’t want anyone losing hope!

I better sell the VZ Commodore then, before it drags down my BQ when the bogometer comes out!!

20 01 2010
AB

The caption that accompanies the Fifty Cent picture is one of the funniest things I have ever read! Well done TBL, well done……

20 01 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

lol – is that a Chevvy Ute behind Fiddy???

It’s a Ford F-one-fiddy 🙂 TBL

20 01 2010
Simon of South Yarra

50 Cent – not the full quid!

how can white supremacist bogans listen to black street music (rap), surely it must mess with their heads!

20 01 2010
Lana

Yes i agree Simon, he couldnt even be a dollar 😛

Rap music, especially gangster rap is what gives the bog a false sense of being x-tremely dangerous..

Half the time it fails cause then the Bogan starts thinking they are black.. and then start referring to people such as fiddy.. as bro, cuz or in the african american sense of the word.. My n***a..

20 01 2010
j-ho

His name means ‘he’s bringing change to da game’. And he is as rare as a 50 cent coin. (which are rare in the states) You’re welcome for the useless information.

20 01 2010
Lana

lol Not trying to be rude but did you get the meaning of his name from urban dictionary? its not a very realiable source you know..

And what change? *just asking*

Rappers who sing not rap are destroying the game, wait thats a good thing because hiphop is noisy..

*Please dont do a drive by my house now* 😛

20 01 2010
j-ho

No, I was in New York and picked up his debut (didn’t get released here) in about 2000. Also I have read it in an interview around that time. Remember 50 cent existed before “In da club” and he was a pretty decent rapper too.

20 01 2010
j-ho

Oh and Lana, his words, not mine remember.

20 01 2010
Lana

True i agree with u J-ho

I heard about his debut album before he went mainstream..

Thats the same one that got him shot 9 times right?

Anyway.. i can understand why he says he brought change, the whole genre is just a joke now..

Lil wayne? perfect example..
wonder what Tupac would do if he were still alive

20 01 2010
Lee

Real rap died in 1995 with Eazy-E in my opinion though I still bust out the old public enemy records from time to time.

20 01 2010
Loftie

Oh I like that….
+1

20 01 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

So Boost Juice is out and $4.50 bottles of cordial is in with the nouveau boge?

I am find this an exhausting excercise, attempting to keep up with bogan hip and culture.

What happened to the good old days when bogan just meant poor?

20 01 2010
Lana

i blame hollywood

27 01 2010
Luscious Llama

Mining 😉

20 01 2010
Tubesteak

I read an article on how Coke lobbied the government to be able to sell this product. If I wasn’t so lazy (and using an iPhone which makes using multiple browsers even more difficult for a lazy person*) I would search the SMH websie for it.

It’s disturbing that something with almost the same calorie, sugar and carb content as Coke can be marketed as ‘healthy’.

*Its better that the IP address of this site is not logged on my work computer

20 01 2010
Indi

Anyone want to work up an allegorical painting ‘The Triumph of Marketing over Science’? Why bother to have a healthy diet and drink water?

20 01 2010
Bogue

Why bother with water, just go on a ‘Think Yourself Thin’ diet whilst chugging down your morning iced coffee (from a 1-litre bottle).

20 01 2010
James

Or perhaps ask the universe for thinness/vitamins/whatever, align yourself with the universe, and open yourself to receiving it while you chug down your high-fat milk products.

20 01 2010
Keeping Kosher Klansman

A few years ago when this vitamin drink fad was in its infancy, there were some rather lithe, scantily clad young ladies handing out free bottles in Melbourne’s CBD. Naturally I grabbed one, took a sip, shuddered, screwed the cap back on, left it beside the bed that evening and forgot about it. That is until the bastard exploded at about four in the morning, scaring the shit out of myself and my ladyfriend. Sounded like a damn firecracker. I don’t think that particular drink is still on the market but it gave me quite an x-treme lift, thereby fulfilling its desired effect.

20 01 2010
Simon of South Yarra

Oh, you grabbed the bottle, not the scantily-dressed young lass, the story was going well until I realised it was the drink you were talking about

20 01 2010
Loftie

Slightly different is the NUDIE juice (functional water to a point)….

The amount of people I see walking around with this drink, simply because it says Nudie on it (he he he he)…

Another clever marketing ploy that seems to magnetise to the bogues…

Because as far as I know – if you asked a bogue what a pomegranate was… I’m sure the response wouldn’t be fruit…

20 01 2010
James

If I think that the Nudie people make really nice-tasting ice blocks, does that make me a little bit bogan?

20 01 2010
Jen

Nudie juice is actual juice though, and it’s delicious. Costs a fortune though.

20 01 2010
shazza

I suspect the writing is on the wall for bottled water. Like plastic bags, they will become collecter’s items sooner than later.

20 01 2010
Pete

Like those moronic “Oxygene Bars” that sprung up around the place a few years back? I bet todays bogues miss handing over a dollar a minute (?) for otherwise free air!

20 01 2010
Bogue

This is where the lines blur…I don’t associate vitamin drinks with bogans, I associate it with professionals who go to the gym to pose, urban idiots who are too lazy to eat fresh fruit as they’re to busy in quest of a ‘lifestyle’, and new age quasi-hippie types (depending on the brand). Am I wrong? I thought bogans liked bling 25″ wheels, life size Betty Boop statues and feature garages, where the bar fridge would be stocked with Becks, not functional water…there’s too many syllables in it for a start.

If it’s marketed as a brightly branded shortcut to fitness or glamour, the bogan is likely to want it. TBL

20 01 2010
Linda

I agree with you Bogue!!!!!!!! very true.

20 01 2010
Lana

Aww but Bogue,

You forgot the nouveau bogan.. The cashed up bogan who looks normal until they either the mouth is opened or even better being a creature of habit, will eventually do something that will class him/her as bogan

This new breed attempt by all means to be hip but fail in the process,

Let me elaborate..

Hipsters go vegan, Bogans thing lite and easy is a better option
Hipters drink water and get Vitamin D from sunlight, Bogans assume they can get all those added benefits in a bottle of vitamin colourful water,
catch my drift?

20 01 2010
Bogue

True, but I associate the shortcut to fitness more with the office jock or the stay at home mum. I guess either one of these could also be bogans, but then, so could I! I’m sure we’re all guilty of a bogan slip up every now and then, surely? E.G. I thought Anchorman was quite funny, but so was Adaptation. My partner likes Kings of Leon (apart from the new crud), but also supports local artists (not the airbrush tattoo types, the visual artists trying to make a living). Are we compromised, or simply human? To err is to bogan?

20 01 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. You’re thinking too hard – or what passes for it in your world. The simple truth is that you’re a bogan.

20 01 2010
Bogue

Oh no! I guess, as Westie, I should have known, but now I’ve been by confirmed by someone from Toorak, it must be true! ;-P

I are bogan.

20 01 2010
Keeping Kosher Klansman

Think the “stay at home mum” comment hit a little too close to Toorak…

20 01 2010
Bogue

Pretty close to my abode too…now I’ve been outed, I’ll have to check if da missus is gettin’ her funkshn’l water vitamins, or at least slimming down with a Carlton Blonde!

20 01 2010
Nelson Esq

Bogue, Bogan is what bogan does, yet not all bogues are created equal. Some people are more bogue than others in the way they think and by what they do. You may show bogue traits in certain areas of your life, yet no traits in other areas. These people are the confused ones, which sounds like you may be one of them.

You are a prime example of why I have previously argued for the need for a bogometer to measure the level of one’s boganity, or Bogue Quotient (BQ) if you prefer. Once we understand the level of boganity in ourselves, we can either embrace the bogue within or learn not how to be a bogan. But if you want to learn the easiest/quickest/cheapest way, your attempts will be utterly futile, you bogan!

20 01 2010
Bogue

I understand, and I support the notion of a BQ. I’m hoping I have a low BQ, probably evident by the fact that I haven’t got any children called Hendricks or Ailartsua, no FCUK t-shirts or Tommy Hillfinger (sic) toiletries…but since the shock revelation that I have evident bogan traits, who know what will show, and when! I won’t know to what degree I should be aware of my ‘condition’ until I know my BQ…I must have it!!!

26 01 2010
Annette

Hey! Hey! Hands off the stay-at-home mums!

21 01 2010
Bogue

I’ll never doubt you again TBL…here’s the evidence to support your agrument on several levels, taken from Facebook!

[IMG]http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g191/Lordosis/Bogan.jpg[/IMG]

20 01 2010
Pom

50 Cent actually owned part of the Vitamin Water company before selling it to Coca-Cola, making $400m in the process (http://www.defsounds.com/news/Coca_cola_buys_50_cents_vitamin_water_50_pushes_album_back)

But yes, it’s definitely Bogan.

20 01 2010
Lana

50 Cents is the bogan equivalent in the black community.. true story

20 01 2010
Chris of South yarra

hey leave fish oil out of this, it really does work lol

20 01 2010
Loftie

Chris –
if they make fish oil from fish…
what do they make baby oil from??

20 01 2010
Lana

LOL nice one 😛

20 01 2010
Indi

The stuff left over from the powder

20 01 2010
Robbie

Another classic entry from TBL.

btw, where’s Fiona today??

20 01 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Here. Had a long breakfast with the girls this morning.

20 01 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I just have my own water flown over from a Swiss glacier. And no, I’m not telling you which glacier it is – I have the exclusive rights to it.

20 01 2010
Azza

So what happens to your exclusive rights when it melts and runs out to sea?

20 01 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Uh, it’s so big it doesn’t entirely melt in summer and it just refreezes, as big as ever in winter. Oi, you lesser people will be the death of me yet. Is there ANYTHING I don’t have to explain in minute detail?

20 01 2010
Lana

*Oi, you lesser people will be the death of me yet. Is there ANYTHING I don’t have to explain in minute detail?*

The Oi part brings out your inner bogan Fiona 😛

20 01 2010
Lis

I thought she was channelling the Jewish bubbie stereotype – ala Fran Drescher in The Nanny.

20 01 2010
Nelson Esq

Maybe Fiona’s Jewish. There’s a Jewish stereotype that says ‘oi’ a lot!

20 01 2010
Benjamin

The Hebrew is Oy! Not Oi. So now you know.

20 01 2010
Nelson Esq

I’m just a stupid goy then!

20 01 2010
Bec

I thought ‘oy’ was Yiddish. I could be wrong, though.

20 01 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. What’s the difference? Actually, don’t tell me. I don’t care really.

20 01 2010
Benjamin

No, you’re right. It’s Yiddish.

I am a yoghurt.

20 01 2010
Simon

Fiona, you have been talking with the lesser people too long and let an
Oi slip out. You will be joining the Fanatics soon.

20 01 2010
shazza

I suspect she has two aussie flags attached to her Hyundai by now.

20 01 2010
Simon of South Yarra

Oi vey, as I have heard in East St Kilda and such climes, please not the fanatics! those zany guys in mexican sombreros coloured green and gold, with the Orstrayun flag ,draped a la Superman over their shoulders, and wearing kooky multi-coloured zinc creams. Heaven forfend that Mistress Fiona should join, even as their putative leader, the ranks (and I do mean, rank!) of the fanatics (they don’t deserve to be capitalised).

20 01 2010
Simon

True on the capitals, just thought Fiona was practising her Aussie, Aussie etc so she can go and cheer on Little Lleyton at the open. She was probably breakfasting with Bec this morning. I think I just heard a shiver run down Lofties spine.

20 01 2010
Loftie

Oh thats cold Simon….
Cold and Cruel….

20 01 2010
Linda

I pinged your IP adress Fiona. You are not in Toorak LOL.

20 01 2010
Simon

You mean Fiona may be an imposter. Tell me it is not true.

20 01 2010
Lee

That fact has already been established Linda!
There has been speculation as to what Fiona actually is, besides the obvious trollop, boy , girl, ladyboy, bogan scrubber that married into money and so on.
Would anyone else care for a guess?

26 01 2010
Annette

Bleached-blonde updo (her natural hair colour is mousey brown), nails like hot pink talons and on her 3rd husband this century. Ex-hooker?

20 01 2010
Loftie

Jewish?
Toorak??

No….

Really??

20 01 2010
Nelson Esq

There’s heaps of rich Jews in Toorak, Loftie. Get off your tuches and schlep down to Melbourne to check it out yourself.

20 01 2010
Kaiks

I detected a tone of sarcasm from Loftie.

20 01 2010
Loftie

Well detected Kaiks… 🙂

20 01 2010
Nelson Esq

I just wanted to say ‘tuches’ and ‘schlep’ 🙂

20 01 2010
Indi

Mel Brooks is Jewish?

20 01 2010
Kaiks

(o’.’#)O=(~.~Q)

Sarcasm or stupidity, you deserve it!

20 01 2010
Indi

I have no idea what that means. It was sarcasm, shatzi.

20 01 2010
Kaiks

Knockout punch, you’re on the left.

20 01 2010
Kaiks

I think the name ‘Cordial Water’ Would be more suitable although it wouldn’t go down well with the bogans. It’s got no veneer of being beneficial to one’s health.

Nestea and Lipton Ice Tea are funny too, the excess sugar that makes it so ‘refreshing’ whill likely eliminate any health benefits of tea.

20 01 2010
Indi

Cordigal, surely?

20 01 2010
Simon of South Yarra

Absolutely! Great memories, thanks, Indi

20 01 2010
Kaiks

Maybe a product called ‘CordiGals’ with a label featuring “stunning hotties” would sell quite well, it may need a whimsical story for each colour to describe the cultural significance and effects.

20 01 2010
Simon

As long as it is in big cans I think you should apply for copyright on this. Bogans love a bit of retro mixed in with busty chicks and oversized drinks.

20 01 2010
Keeping Kosher Klansman

Warning: X-essive boguesque consumption may result in Type 1 diabetes and/or keeling over and waking up hooked to a cordialysis machine.

20 01 2010
Indi

Moulded bottles in the shape of Ralph models or celebrities:
Daanii
Breanna
Pammy
and the extreme super classy:
Marilyn

20 01 2010
Simon

Or for those on a diet the Keira Knightly.

20 01 2010
Indi

Ouch, pointy.

20 01 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

Taken Daily.

20 01 2010
Lee

Corjigal Idie, corjigal!

20 01 2010
Indi

Nicely done

20 01 2010
Lee

Sorry *Indie* !

20 01 2010
Lee

Sorry *Indi* : ) It has been a long long day…………….

20 01 2010
pulang

So true. When out and thirsty (ie have no access to tap), it’s impossible to find anything NOT full of sugar (aside from overpriced water). thank god for asian groceries selling reasonably priced, sugar-free REAL iced tea!

20 01 2010
Sam

If only they would all just drink the Kool-Aid.

20 01 2010
Pete

Surely this trend heralds the imminent arrival of a new alcopop Vitamin Cruiser, maybe called “Cruiser Vitalizer” (deliberate American spelling).

20 01 2010
Lana

Talk about added benefits

– Alcohol- for that light headed feeling CHECK
-Pseudo vitamins- for that health boost CHECK
– Flavoured water- because its healthy CHECK

My only concern with this is..

The chemical composition of all these will not add up, the alcohol having the highest components would override the vitamins.. and there is nothing revitalising about being hung over

20 01 2010
Nelson Esq

Of course it makes no sense, that’s the beauty of it! It’s all in the marketing that the bogan will lap up.

You could tell them that it contains Vitamin B, which will cure your hangover before you even get the hangover. Therefore there is no need for a berocca in the morning. What the hey, why not start the day with a cruiser vitalizer for all your vitamin needs!

20 01 2010
Simon of South Yarra

The penchant for having red bull with alcohol comes to mind here – like having a Mimosa (champagne orange juice, don’t you know) – you become a healthy drunk, never get colds (vitamin C) and don’t care idf you do anyway!

20 01 2010
Indi

From the other direction, there’s a doctor making wines in which the chemicals compounds with supposedly beneficial health effects are at much higher levels.

20 01 2010
Keeping Kosher Klansman

Enter Ed Hardy brand Berockenrollaz – and the circle of bogue is complete… Like a snake tattoo eating its own tail.

20 01 2010
Lana

That spelling of *Berockenrollaz* just makes me want to cry..

20 01 2010
bec

I propose a telethon to raise funds so you can fly out to Christian Audigier and sell this to him.

20 01 2010
Tristram

I guess these guys have never been to Adelaide

20 01 2010
Indi

Where what comes out of the tap looks like the contents of the bottle?

20 01 2010
Tristram

If you mean what comes out of the tap is the same as the contents of the Yarra river in Melbourne, then yes, exactly like that.
However if you’re referring to crystal clear drinking water then…..

20 01 2010
Indi

I meant the bottle at the top of the page, but I’m sure it varies from day to day.

20 01 2010
Tristram

I see what you’re saying. No, I was referring to their opening paragraph on bottled water, not the coloured kind.

20 01 2010
Indi

I know people who travel for work have been shocked in the last decade at the extent of bottled water aisles in Adelaide supermarkets. Deply mystified at first, because Adelaide is the most working class of Australian cities (market researchers tell me so), so it wasn’t yuppies, it was just how awful the tap water was.

As a part South Australian, I can say it always was pretty ordinary.

20 01 2010
Lee

I’ll take your word for it Indie, though Brisbane water is pretty ordinary or was when I was last there. It tastes and smells like it comes straight from the local swimming pool.

20 01 2010
Indi

I’m on rainwater in a rural area- which horrifies European friends initially- so any town water tastes like something out of a Driclad pee-ool.

20 01 2010
Lee

You can not beat nice, sweet, cold rainwater…….oh how I miss living in the bush.

20 01 2010
shazza

You don’t need to live in the bush Lee. My last house, on 500sqm of suburb block, we had 3 water tanks (and chooks/ vegie patches). I miss that smug feeling.

20 01 2010
Lee

There is no way in hell you would have me drinking sydney rainwater it’s only god for washing the car but I do have vegies and chooks!

20 01 2010
shazza

God washes your car? Aren’t you something?

20 01 2010
Lee

Oh dear a spelling mistake! Please be gentle.

20 01 2010
Bogue

No no, you’ve got it all wrong Indi…South Australia was the country’s only non-convict state, and thus, the thoroughbred of the nation. They invented the arts festival and many non-bogan cultural events. Unfortunately, as pennance, South Australia’s location means it is forced to live downstream from Sydney and Melbourne, thus drinking the Eastern States’ combined filth. Desalination is putting an end to this, supposedly, but the cost will mean South Australian’s will soon be forced to bathe in Evian to save money.

21 01 2010
Indi

Where to start?

Let’s just say I live on the Murray headwaters, my father comes from Whyalla, and I have five generations of ancestors in Adelaide’s cemeteries so I have a fair idea about this stuff.

As for geography- another time.

22 01 2010
brad

vic was non convict-once upon a time

20 01 2010
Bogue

No self-respecting Adelaide bogan in their right mind would be caught holding a bottle of brightly coloured vitamin water, unless it was for the missus whilst she went to the loos. Nouveau Bogue of this magnitude hasn’t hit the shores of Glenelg Bay yet.

20 01 2010
Lana

Question?

Can Self respecting and Bogan be put in the same sentence without the words colliding? Nope

Now lets rephrase your sentence again.

20 01 2010
Bogue

No self-righteous egocentric masogonistic new-money racist Ed Hardy clad Becks toting high carbon fottprinted bogan in their ‘right’ mind?

20 01 2010
Lana

LOL Bogue, you are my new best friend

Very nicely put 🙂

20 01 2010
Bogue

Thanks for correcting my word collision Lana. As a recent revelation, I have discovered that I am actually part-bogan, so I have a conflicting tendancy to protect the species with phrases like ‘self-respecting bogan’. I’m hoping this will be bred out of the next generation.

20 01 2010
Lana

Your most welcome 🙂

But would’nt breeding out mutate the already confused breed of noveau bogan and create a whole new mutated breed that would be alot harder to wipe out dont you think?

20 01 2010
Nelson Esq

You’re not talking about a ‘Superbogue’ now would you? Oh the boganity! God help us all!

20 01 2010
Lana

Oh no..

If a superbogue is ever created.. im skipping earth..

20 01 2010
Bogue

Superbogue may have already arrived…I will have doctors check my son’s DNA strain to see if it resembles a barbed wire tattoo. If so, we may well be doomed. No stress.

20 01 2010
bec

I always presumed it would create some sort of meta-bogan who would be so bogan that it would turn in on itself. It would be so egotistical, determined for fame and materialistic that would fear stepping outside or opening its mouth for fear of anyone not loving them. Thus, so bogan that they would become a regular, rational citizen.

21 01 2010
Bogue

I see, the so far South it’s North theory. You may very well be right…I’ll let you know if meta-bogan has arrived, he’s not showing any bogan tendancies at the moment, except to throw a tantrum when not the centre of attention.

20 01 2010
Robbie

How about the spray on ‘vitamin spritzer’. It uses osmosis to give you that ‘vitamin high’ and I’m sure if there was a ‘Posh & Becks’ special addition, bogues would buy by the pallet.

Good to see that Fiona has flown back in to grace us with her wit 😛

20 01 2010
Nelson Esq

Fiona hasn’t commented since we called her Jewish…I think she may be upset!

20 01 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Fear not, Nelson Esq, I’ve simply been spreading joy in previous blog entries, engaging my natural enemy (that bogan “Shazza”) and on my twitter account.

Some of my best friends are Jewish – even though they never pay for ANYTHING. Oh well, I can afford to “shout them” (is that the expression?) quite easily of course.

20 01 2010
Nelson Esq

Nice to have you back, Fiona. Now since we’re no longer total strangers after bantering on this blog, there is no need to be so formal in salutation, you may just call me Nelson.

20 01 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Thank you. You should probably refer to me as “Your Majesty” or “Your Higness”.

20 01 2010
Paddington

I prefer to call you “Mrs Bucket”.

20 01 2010
bec

It’s pronounced Boo-kay!

20 01 2010
Paddington

*chuckle* Of course it is. That’s what she tells everyone over those candlelit suppers …

20 01 2010
Toddo

I admit that I am trying to wean myself off of Iced Coffee, which is the same concept (ie; Cheap base product + a few additives= 300% mark up on price.)Having consumed one a day for the last 17yrs or so, not only am I the proud owner of an adorable little paunch (doesn’t look so bad in the mirror if I flex)
but I am $1000 + poorer every year as a result.
In my younger blue collar days, blokes I worked with would literally drink 3 litres of the stuff a day, and would talk with gurgly voices as they juggled flegm in the back of their throat.

20 01 2010
Loftie

Flegm…

Is that not one of the best words in the english dictonary??

That… and Mucus…

20 01 2010
Indi

You might find phlegm more easily in the dictionary.

20 01 2010
Toddo

yeah whatever, I’m a busy man. Sorry for not spelling Phlegm correctly.

20 01 2010
Nelson Esq

LOL. That reminds me of “Blackadder Goes Forth” when General Melchett talks about ‘job’ and ‘crevice’ being ‘relatively disgusting words’

20 01 2010
James

If this stuff is functional water, is that meant to imply that regular, colour- and vitamin-less water has no function?

That’s a logical deduction, yes. The companies marketing this product refer to their segment as functional water. In Coca Cola’s case, however, they also market multiple varieties of plain water. This suggests some sort of internal departmental war over semantics. TBL

20 01 2010
Lana

To the Bogan- normal water has no functionality

but to the Average Homosapien *excluding Miss Toorak (she’s an elite) :P*- we all think otherwise..

Okay pick sides now

20 01 2010
shazza

Except to ride their jet ski’s on Lana.

20 01 2010
Lana

LOL i forgot Shazza, thank you for that one..

Oh yes the jet ski.. Gosh it seems the bogan has a love for normal water other than drinking it..

– surfing (note the number of shark attacks have risen)
-jet skiing (great contributor to global warming- fuel emission is not cool)
-wakeboarding (see above)
-bodyboarding (still dont understand this one- i would rather surf)
ect…

20 01 2010
Robbie

It has no function to the bogan – no bright/fluro colours or promises of increased health, strength, libido and no real celebrity endorsements….kinda boring really even through the human body is over 50% water and needs it to sustain life.

20 01 2010
Bec

I have a theory about the explosion of all these bogus health and weight loss products on the market.

Back in the day, the self-righteous, overly pious and abstemious cashed-up bogan could get that feeling of purity through sexual abstinence, which they got to brag about whenever they were in their mega-churches. But with sexual abstinence, there’s not much in the way of outward appearance to let the casual bystander know that the bogue was more pure than you, save for absence of pregnant belly or weeping sores.

Enter the replacement of sexual abstemiousness with physical ‘purity’: a body devoid of fat and toxins was purer, and more worthy of a long and comfortable life, than other schleps. People could instantly see how pure your body was (and by extension, how good and pure YOU were).

But this posed a problem for the cashed up bogan: this would require hard work. Unlike megachurches, who demand nothing but tithes and lip service to ‘family values’, you would have to make an effort. Enter the highly expensive ‘healthfood’ with dubious merits (goji berries, etc): as the bogan loves to purchase an image and lifestyle, so too would their financial outlay convey the sense of health onto the buyer – moreso than actually conveying health.

20 01 2010
shazza

There’s merit to that theory Bec.
Furthermore, on the subject of bogans and religion. I’d like to suggest that the primary ‘religion’ of bogans would most likely be Scientology. After all, it’s got star pulling power, and its got science in the name. They also don’t go on about all that god shit.

20 01 2010
bec

Acute observation. And yet, not a huge takeup? And which of the Packers or Murdochs were the scientology kids?

20 01 2010
shazza

James.

20 01 2010
bec

That’s right. Mind you, the 2nd gens of both Packers and Murdochs are perfectly, delightfully bogan.

20 01 2010
shazza

The Murdoch’s? Really? I know the Packers have been all wonky since Kerry, but I thought the other mob were a little more circumspect.

20 01 2010
bec

See, the Packers were never quiet about their boganity. The Murdochs are the quiet achievers: outwardly normal, but I bet you there’s nothing Sarah loves more than taking the Seadoo out for a spin to wind down after a hard day rocking the fuck out to Cut Copy and the Presets.

21 01 2010
Nelson Esq

If the Murdochs are bogans and since they have residences in Toorak, that means one thing…bogans in Toorak! Run Fiona, run!!!

20 01 2010
Chris of South yarra

lol scientology is far too expensive for bogans…

20 01 2010
shazza

Cashed up bogans Chris of South Yarra. Then again there are ways of working for the church to ensure you can continue to purchase the tech.

20 01 2010
amr

I think it is more a case of the cult of the ‘celebrity’ and the need to follow whatever their new ‘thing’ of the moment might be.
I don’t get the celebrity thing and I certainly don’t get ‘buy what the celebrity endorses’ thing either.

Hey TBL, how about one on that mecca of bogan fine dining, the food court?

Like utopia for the bogan on a Thursday night spending spree with all the brightly coloured fa(s)t food chains in one location.

20 01 2010
Toddo

The Food court is a cracker!
I would nominate the one at Rockinham shopping centre.

20 01 2010
bec

Haven’t the CUBs migrated to Gloria Jeans and those hideous Go-Sushi places though? (Not that they don’t exist in food-courts. I’d imagine that this was where they saturated the market and imprinted.)

20 01 2010
Azza

What happened to their appreciation of buddah Shazza?

20 01 2010
shazza

Having a statue of Buddha in your garden isn’t a relgious relationship, it’s just a groovy decoration to show how deep you are.

20 01 2010
Toddo

Megachurches cater to the inner Bogan’s appetite to be a celebrity.
If they can’t crack it on the worship team, or as a singer, or aren’t suited to being a faux hawked youth leader, they can at least rest in the peace of the ‘you are special’ message that is constantly preached, or you can ‘name it and claim it’ (the Green SS Ute).
This is only a new concept.
The last 1990 odd yrs of Church history (aside from Papal oppression) focussed on a message of Jesus dying on a cross because our sins were too vile, and us in our inherent selfish Bogan nature were destined for Hell (where flaming tatts would really fit in)
This is too much to bear for the average koala, even though all they have to do is believe, which on entering the Church, they should allready be doing, and the other thing is REPENT.
Repentance is where the Bogan opts for ‘Church lite’, dons an oversized pair of white sunnies and a neck scarf and boogies on down to the Megachurch, where lost in anonimity of thousands of people, he is un-accountable, and free to head off to the Sunday session to tune chicks in the afternoon.

Save your excellent words on this topic – we have an upcoming entry (I assume in the next 5 days) that will be a good vehicle for them. TBL

20 01 2010
bec

Genius observation. I would hazard a guess that 90% of dudes with dreads these days are hardcore born-agains.

Catholicism is also completely totally anathema to the bogan – what, with the emphasis on giving, volunteerism and clergy who have a genuine sense of humour as opposed to spray tans and the ability to cry on demand.

20 01 2010
Toddo

Not so muchan observation, rather a personal testimony.
I went from Bogan to Try hard surfer, to Hippy, back to Bogan ( I didn’t wear Metalica shirts, but did enjoy doing burnouts, wanted to get into fights, lifted weights, used the ‘F’ word every 3rd word, and also had very little self control, and was abusive to my wife)
Then I ‘found God’ in the true Bogan way, and went through the whole Church process.
Finally God gave me a good slapping, I repented, and the old Toddo died.
All have, unfortunately, fallen short of the glory of God, and no matter how much of a legend you may be in your own lunchbox, We are in need of a saviour

20 01 2010
bec

Interesting. For the moment, my saviour is a $2 cleanskin from Dan Murphy’s, but I am certain my time will come for sincere faith.

I’ve heard similar sentiments from other people who’ve escaped the charismatic mega-churches. It really is full-on how much “love-bombing” and celebrity culture underpins the organisation of churches like Hillsong.

Ok, looks like we’ve had our next entry decided for us. In 11 hours ye will find a suitable venue for debate on this very worthy bogan topic. TBL

20 01 2010
Toddo

Your pretty good value Bec.
I feel like a loser writing internet comments, buts its fun.

20 01 2010
Bec

I’m not as good value as that cleanskin is. It’s a corker.

Get it? Cork- oh, it doesn’t matter. They’re all screwtop anyway.

21 01 2010
Robbie

Looks like TBL has another great post up his/her sleeve….the megachurch/Hillsong phenomenon is certainly worth it’s own entry 🙂

21 01 2010
Salaam wa aleikum

This water you write of looks very refreshing, I must try it. Is this similar to the new steak sandwiches one can get at establishments like McDonalds and Hungry Jacks? I mean who would have though I could get a whole Angus steak for 4 bucks let alone in a sandwich. This world just gets better the more I live in it.

21 01 2010
Lana

:/ tell me your joking?

سلام

21 01 2010
Salaam wa aleikum

أنا لست جدّيّة صديقتي

21 01 2010
Lana

أنا لست جدّيّة صديقتي

21 01 2010
Salaam wa aleikum

I can’t do Arabic obviously. I was joking about the faux-meat marketed to be actual prime Aussie beef as well as the fruity drinks. My name is Chris, I enjoy procreation, calendars, eucalyptus oil and long walks on the beach. My perfect partner is someone…

21 01 2010
Indi

With a submissive attitude in a headscarf?

22 01 2010
Somebody

OT to bottled water but look at this story

http://media.theage.com.au/national/national-news/cigarettes-jim-beam-and-flowers-1057436.html&exc_from=videobox

How about doing something on that? I really don’t get the bogan way to mourn, they get cigarettes, lighters & Jim Beam bottles and sticky tape them to the tree their friend’s car hit?

WTF

23 01 2010
Barbie-up

I worked in a servo until recently in a bogan-ish area and those vitamin drinks were really popular. Those and Winnie blues.

25 01 2010
kwv

The only Functional Water bogans like is in beer?

3 02 2010
TJ

Wow tbl is run by a bunch of bilble bashers. Its all clear to me now

4 02 2010
Jac

I’ll drink bottled water when I have finished all the filtered water I bring from home in my hiking bottle to avoid drinking tap water. For those who have researched what goes into tap water (ie. fluorosilicic acid – an artificial fluoridating agent, an untreated industrial waste also contaminated with cadmium and arsenic among other nasties), we’d rather be thought of as a bogan that put that shit in our bodies. In my opinion it’s very ‘boganish’ to ridicule those who choose not to drink cheap, contaminated tap water as it comes from a place of ignorance and seeks to instill feelings of aspirational cultural superiority.

4 02 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Yes, I quite agree. I mean, when you consider all those people suddenly dropping dead from drinking tap water…

4 02 2010
James

Wow he really bought the Coca Cola Amatil propaganda hook, line and sinker. I hope you realise Jac that Amatil just fills those bottles with tap water…

12 02 2010
the trav

so when does it cease becoming water, and become soft drink/cordial (or corgigal in boge speak)

19 02 2010
Nicki

Those vitamin water drinks make me laugh. I bet those that love them never even look at the ingredients listing down the side.. they’re basically water, sugar and food colouring, with minute amounts of vitamins added. I think it’s criminal that they’re allowed to be portrayed as a healthy alternative to beverages such as soft drink.. talk about false advertising.

8 03 2010
j

I drink bottled water too… but purely because I can’t go anywhere without water (diabetic) and having a bottle with me is convenient. And I have no problem with filling the bottle up with water from the tap once I’ve finished it so I hope that doesn’t make me bogan.
Bottled water needs to go, I agree. But I personally still need some kind of bottle that I can carry with me everywhere.
maybe guys have it figured out
http://www.inhabitat.com/2009/07/09/australian-town-bans-bottled-water/

15 06 2010
#148 – Wii Fit « Things Bogans Like

[…] is thirsty, it will not merely drink water, it will crave a boost juice (actually a smoothie) or a functional water (actually cordial). If the bogan wishes to leech some cultural cachet from the bloated corpses of […]

26 07 2010
Andrej

We have been paying for bottled water for much longer than one or two decades. Canned and bottle soft drinks are mostly water! The CO2 and flavours are a small percentage of a soft drink’s weight or volume. According to wikipedia, percentage by weight of sugar in coca cola is about 1.5 times the percentage by weight of water. So Coke is mainly sugar and water, as are most other soft drinks.

So, if you _have_ to buy something to drink, and you can’t find a nice tap or bubbler nearby, it would seem that the wiser choice is to buy the bottled water and not the fizzy junk.

19 07 2013
Jay

Oh dear. Who could have foreseen it…. “Vitaminwater to face class action.” http://www.news.com.au/business/companies/vitaminwater-to-face-class-action/story-fnda1bsz-1226681794238

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