The bogan is reliably informed that successful rock bands get shitloads of drugs and groupies. The bogan wants these things. Working against its hopes in this instance are a general lack of creative talent, and an unwillingness to apply itself to a task that requires patience and dedication to excellence. Thanks to modern technology, an alternative to these years of glory-free learning has emerged on Playstation, replacing 6 strings and a couple of dozen frets with 5 large, brightly coloured buttons.
While Guitar Hero would seem to be a poor pathway to cocaine and pornstars, it provides the loud noises, flashing lights, and illusion of instant breathtaking skill that stimulates the reward centres in the bogan’s brain. This encourages it to play vigourously, and for extended periods. Raised on a stodgy diet of commercial radio, the bogan recognises a quarter of the songs available in the game’s menu and restricts itself solely to those, staying far longer on the comfortable beginner level than is necessary. This is due to its addiction to the approving roar of the digitised, unwitting crowd, and Aaron’s desire to beat Shane at the guitar solo in “Dammit” by Blink 182 for the 47th time.
The rise in bogan popularity of electronic and dance music in the past decade has made the bogan realise that these days, DJs get at least as many sluts and drugs as rockstars. More than guitar solos, the bogans’ new greatest love is loudly professing their desire to buy ‘some turntables, then go to op shops and buy a bunch of old vinyls’, so they can start scratching like Mixmaster Mike. The game developer behind Guitar Hero (Activision, owned by a French conglomerate that also controls the Universal music label) identified this, and set about stripping revenue from Ministry of Sound by releasing DJ Hero onto games consoles in late 2009.
The plastic guitar is swapped for a plastic turntable, with the bogan-trusted brightly coloured buttons positioned on the “record”. This summer, a bogan nest near you will be lurching to the stuttered sounds of “Around the World” by Daft Punk, as a team of bogans attempts to press their shiny DJ buttons in time with the music in order to become The Hero. The bogan male hopes that by beating its girlfriend or female acquaintance on Hollaback Girl, she will subsequently strip naked and produce a bag of last years designer drug. At the time of writing, there have been no reports of this actually occurring.